Enjoy our team's carefully selected Working Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.
The boss felt sorry for him and didn’t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.
He said to the worker, “Why don’t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?”
The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.
“Sir,” he whispers, his throat feeling worse, “Please slow down, there’s a road crew up ahead.”
“Okay,” the driver whispers back, “I’ll try not to wake them.”
😄 😄 😄
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death—we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
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A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.
“Father, father look,” the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. “The Americans have gone to the moon.”
The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, “All of them?”
“No, just 3,” replies the kid.
“Damn it!” The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
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My interviewer leaned back in his chair and said, “Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
“But I never went to college,” I replied.
“Well then, I’m sorry. You are underqualified to work here,” he said, as he showed me the door.
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got tired of the HOLE business.
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Coworker: “Do you ever think about work at home?”
Me: “I don’t even think about work at work!”
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I don’t work well under pressure...
...or any other circumstance.
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If you’re working on a desktop or laptop, make sure to put on a mask.
You wouldn’t want to catch one of those computer viruses.
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I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop, but I turned it down.
I don’t like working on sundaes.
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My father was stupid.
He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
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The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
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Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.
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A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.
Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.
Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.
His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
“Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window.”
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Working from home is weird. I got so sick of sitting at my desk, I wrote my last blog from my kids’ trampoline.
The time-on-page was pretty good, but the bounce rate was really high.
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Working from home becomes more difficult when your bed and YouTube constantly beg for your attention.
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When you work from home, a Tuesday looks pretty much like a Saturday.
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Working from home is tough.
I have to coordinate a desktop, a laptop and a handheld.
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Sorry I didn’t respond to your email in a timely fashion.
I literally cannot tell days apart anymore and thought today was two weeks ago.
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I can’t work with idiots.
That’s why I work from home and got rid of all the mirrors.
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I’m out of bed and I made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?
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I like work. It fascinates me.
I sit and look at it for hours.
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I’m great at multitasking:
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
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They say to have a successful day working from home, you should wake up early, go for a walk, take a shower, and treat it as if it’s a normal workday...
...So is it considered unsuccessful if I wake up 5 minutes before my first call?
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When working from home, for focus and mental health, it’s really important to NOT just wear your pajamas!
Wear yesterday’s clothes you grabbed off the floor.
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Working from home:
the place where your hours are made up and your pants don’t matter.
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I like to wrap myself in a blanket when I work from home.
You could say I now work undercover.
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Professionals who think they can work uninterruptedly 9 hours a day end up watching Netflix and drinking a full bottle of coke.
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Pros of working from home:
· No pants
· Loud music.
Cons of working from home:
· You have to make your own coffee
· You talk to yourself too much.
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When I said, I wanted to work from home, I didn’t mean I work on Saturday.
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Working from home is making me go to the kitchen more often than usual.
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I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I’m working.
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Before “working from home” became a thing, I had no idea how great it would feel to walk around naked and fart all day whilst working!
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An ergonomic workspace is really important while working from home.
That’s why my couch now has a Pilates ball as a footrest.
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The hardest part about working from home is the distractions, my girlfriend never stops talking to me while I’m on my PlayStation.
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I like working from home.
It’s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
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A brief rise in suicide is related to the Covid pandemic.
Murderers are working from home.
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Sure, working from home can have its disadvantages.
I miss the office politics, the lack of freedom and having to wear shoes.
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Having a meeting at home sometimes means finding out that a more efficient way to communicate was by e-mail.
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Friend 1: “You’re working from home because of the coronavirus?”
Friend 2: “I’m working from home because I don’t have a real job. We are not the same.”
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At 11 am, my Boss asking me the status of work from home.
But at that time, I am trying to remember who is he.
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Today’s working from home tip:
Blowing on the wine in the mug will help convince your Zoom meeting that your tea is hot.
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Manager: “Sir, our employees are so habitual of working from home and can’t work in a normal office.”
“For a better environment, we have made the office look and facility like Home and ask them to come in their pajamas.”
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Husband: “I am working remotely.”
Wife: “You are not even remotely working.”
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The most annoying thing about working from home is awkward Skype calls with clients.
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I just saw a burglar kick in his own door.
It looks like he was working from home.
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My partner and I have been working from home since March 2020, and he has finally politely informed me that my typing sounds like 50 hungry woodpeckers trying to eat a keyboard.
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Now that I’m teaching remotely, I can’t reward my students for their good work.
So I tell them to visit my website for cookies instead.
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Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together:
Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on.
In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
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No thanks, pants! I am working from home today.
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My work from home plan isn’t going very well because my pet cat keeps hitting its paws on my remote working.
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Remote working has worked out well for IT professionals.
It was a hard drive to the office anyway!
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If you get an email starting with Knock Knock don’t open it.
It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home.
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I have been working from home since March of last year.
I am an Uber driver.
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Bill and Melinda were happy for 27 years
And then Bill started working from home.
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Started working from home recently building boats in my attic...
Sails are through the roof.
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How is my husband still late when working from home?
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Work is really interfering with my enjoyment of working from home.
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Working from home is not so bad. I’m starting to get the hang of it.
I can work in my pajamas, have a glass of wine with my lunch, and have my lunch at 9 a.m.
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My husband started working from home this week and is set up at the kitchen table so he sees me and the cats repeatedly coming in for snacks, and finally says, “So you guys just eat all day, huh?”
He does NOT understand our office culture and I don’t think he’s fitting in at all.
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How do people in the navy work from home?
Play Battleship.
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Working from home. Day 1:
This’ll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.
Day 8:
Engages in conversation with a lamp...
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Working from home. Day 6.
Client: “No! This is unacceptable. I want to speak to one of your superiors.”
Me: “Moooom!”
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The house cleaner told me that she was going to start working from home, so she sent me a list of chores.
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A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you’ve ever seen.
“Give me two shots of Jack Daniels,” he says to the bartender. “One for me, and one for you.”
“You know, I don’t drink on the job,” the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, “And that’s why I like you better than my barber!”
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A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview.
The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.
The first one asks, “Who do you think the best soccer player in the world is?”
The smart guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.
The second interviewer asks, “When did the phone come out?”
The smart guy replies, “The first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Do you believe in UFOs?”
The smart guy replies, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers, and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.
Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasn’t that bright so the first one asked, “Who is your father?”
The dumb guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.”
The second interview asks, “When were you born?”
He replied, “I came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Are you dumb?”
The dumb guy says, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
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Retail job interview (2012).
“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”
“You mean after the global pandemic or before the war?”
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
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Two friends talking:
“Hey, can I borrow some money? I’m broke.”
“Get money from your job.”
“I got fired.”
“Why?”
“My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.”
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I just got a job at a pharmacy. The pay isn’t great...
But the percs are amazing!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the disgruntled hot dog vendor quit his job?
He just didn’t relish it.
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Why did Spider-Man quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
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Spider-Man gets a job in the CIA.
What does the officer tell him?
Spy-there-man!
😄 😄 😄
Last year, I had a job at the bowling alley.
It wasn’t for long though; I was only tenpin.
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Just kissed my husband intimately on the back of the neck, as I walked past him while working from home.
He started this job on Monday. I thought he was watching a video. He was on a meeting with the CEO.
😄 😄 😄
My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.
I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
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There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after... and working from home.
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My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”
Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.
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Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy.
There were no survivors.
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It’s true women do make less money than men. But it’s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.
Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.
Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
😄 😄 😄
If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:
right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.
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I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
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I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.
Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.
I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
😄 😄 😄
A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread.
The judge is quite exasperated.
Judge to the homeless man: “Do you deny this?”
Homeless man: “No, your honor.”
Judge: “Do you have any coins?”
Homeless man: “Just a few quarters, your Honor.”
Judge: “Give them here.”
Homeless man: “Your Honor, they’re all I have!”
Judge: “That may be so, but please just give me those coins.”
Homeless man: “Very well.” Hands over the coins.
Judge to the stand owner: “Pay close attention.” Drops coins on the table. “Did you hear that?”
Stand owner: “Yes, your Honor.”
Judge: “Excellent. Now you take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat.”
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A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”
“Twelve dollars,” says the barber.
“And for a shave?”
“Ten dollars.”
“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”
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I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile.
Turns out they prefer money.
😄 😄 😄
Intaxifcation: The wonderful feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.
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Can anyone recommend a good bank account?
Mine’s run out of money...
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How much is the moon worth?
One dollar, because it has four quarters.
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An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.
He puts a sign outside the clinic “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail”.
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”
The nurse walks in carrying box 22.
Doctor: “Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”
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Which is faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.
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Why did the robot go on vacation?
He needed to recharge his batteries.
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What do snowmen do in summer?
Chillout.
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What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?
Reapply.
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Is it proper to eat donuts with your fingers?
No, fingers should be eaten separately!
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If my nose runs, should I catch it?
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What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose.
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The thing people overlook most of the time is their noses.
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What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
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What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away!
😄 😄 😄
A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.
She must be exhausted.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call London without electricity?
Londoff.
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Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!
😄 😄 😄
My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldn’t fix.
I suggested, “Break its legs.”
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What do you do when you break your leg in two places?
Quit going to those two places!
😄 😄 😄
What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?
Turn into bacon.
😄 😄 😄
When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When you’re a mouse.
😄 😄 😄
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make a little over $400 a week, why?”
The CEO said, “Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, handed the guy $1,600 in cash, and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?”
From across the room, a voice said, “Sure, he was the Pizza delivery guy and was just waiting to collect the money.”
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A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.
Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.
He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.
As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, “Do you know, fancy that, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”
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The child was a typical four-year-old girl—cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
“Now do you understand?” he asked.
“I think so,” she said. “That was when Mommy came to work for us?”
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great poet.
When asked to define “great”, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, no, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
😄 😄 😄
Keeping The Romance Alive
I still love to spoil the love of my life.
If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me she’s on her way. I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.
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What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?
“911 is an inside job.”
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The phone rang at my work.
My boss asked, “Why don’t you answer it?”
I said, “I’ll let it ring for a while. That way they’ll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.”
My boss shouted, “ANSWER IT NOW!”
I picked up the phone and said, “911, what’s the emergency?”
😄 😄 😄
I told my boss I was feeling blue, so he painted my office the color of the ocean. Now I’m working in a sea of tranquility.
😄 😄 😄
A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.
The police still can’t see the full picture.
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So, it’s about 1961, and I am ever so proudly part of a land survey crew working in a local neighborhood.
A young boy comes out from his house and states, “My mom wants to know what you are doing here!”
I state, “Well, we’re surveyors!”
And as the crew continues down the street, I hear his mom ask, “Well, what are they doing, Tommy?”
To which Tommy responds, “Don’t worry, mom, they are survivors!”
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I got fired from the bomb squad today.
It’s too bad really…
I had a blast working there.
😄 😄 😄
