Enjoy our team's carefully selected Word Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What are a school teacher’s three favorite words?
June, July, and August.
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My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year, and he still can’t say the word “please”.
Which I think is poor for four.
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Noticed the ladies’ restroom door was missing the ‘W’.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen.
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A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence.
He pulls him out and says, “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”
The Mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, “I’m going to make it hard for him.”
He says, “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence. The three words are ‘green’, ‘pink’, and ‘yellow’.”
The Mexican man thinks, then says, “Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez “yellow?”.”
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I used to own a raven. It could speak English.
But the only word it could speak was “car”.
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Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
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English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
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Five word horror story:
Unexpected item in bagging area.
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For April Fools, my girlfriend replaced my Alpha-Bits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
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You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe, who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say?
“Poetry!”
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I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.
I just really feel the words a lot more.
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When my mother died, all my father said was “cough, fatigue, fever”.
He’s a man of flu words.
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“The word of the day is ‘contagious’,” said the teacher. “Who can use it in a sentence?”
Little Jenny stood up and said, “My dad has a cold and said it’s contagious.”
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said, “Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think it’s contagious.”
Happy with Billy’s response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up, “Miss, my next door neighbor is painting his house with a 1-inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.”
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Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads.
One said, “My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song, and they pay him 50 bucks.”
“Oh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem, and they pay him 100 bucks.”
“That’s nothing,” said the third kid. “My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon, and it takes six people to collect all the money!”
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A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words, and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling”.
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
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Two kids were discussing their back to school sets.
Kid 1: “I have a pen that can write underwater.”
Kid 2: “Wow really?!”
Kid 1: “Yep. It can write other words, too.”
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What word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly.
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Ole sadly died, so Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, “You just put ‘Ole died’.”
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just ‘Ole died?’ Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Ole. If it’s money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.”
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “Okay. You put ‘Ole died. Boat for sale’.”
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As today is Mother’s Day, I have three special words for my Mom:
“What’s for dinner?”
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People who cannot distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.
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Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.
Because actions speak louder than words.
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I taught my son speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
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Teacher: “Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word ‘geometry’.”
Little Johnny: “A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, ‘Gee, I’m a tree!’.”
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My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel.
I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me.
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I’ve got wordplay fever, and the only prescription is more pun-icillin.
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Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?
It means “Lousy Hunter”.
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Do songbirds get mad at hummingbirds...
Because they don’t know the words.
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Why do retirees smile all the time?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
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Chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”
“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.
“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”
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I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
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How do beat cops define the word “doughnut”?
A local bakery owner who is absolutely crazy about money.
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Why doesn’t the word “mushroom” make a good computer password?
It’s not stroganoff.
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Albert’s retirement party presentation.
“Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company.
Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.
So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.”
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Coach: “Your roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!”
Football Player: “Coach, It is just not true!”
Coach: “What is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!”
Football player: “Coach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!”
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What is the longest word in the English language?
“Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
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An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.
The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!”
She said, “I can teach it good manners.”
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?”
It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.
She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said “Brr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to, buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable”.
Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”
The redhead replies, “She's a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull’.”
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What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!
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