Enjoy our team's carefully selected Winter Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the North Pole and his winters at the South?
A bi-polar bear.
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A trucker stops for a red light one day and notices a blonde in the car behind.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and the blonde says to him, “Hi, my name’s Julie, and I thought you should know you’re losing some of your load.”
The trucker just ignores her, raises the window, and proceeds down the street as the light changes.
A short while later he has to stop for another red light. The blonde in the car is still behind him.
Again, she jumps out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they’ve never spoken before, the blonde says brightly, “Hi, my name’s Julie, and I thought you should know you’re losing some of your load!”
The trucker shakes his head but apart from this, he ignores her again. He raises the window and drives on as the red light changes.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
At the fourth red light, the trucker jumps out of his truck and runs back to the blonde’s car. He knocks on the window and she lowers it.
The trucker says, “Hi, my name’s Steve, it’s winter in Canada, and I’m driving the salt truck!”
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Why didn’t the man want a spring mattress?
Because it was still winter.
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So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him, “What do you want your last meal to be?”
“Strawberries,” he responds.
“But it’s winter. We can’t get strawberries until spring.”
“Eh... I’ll wait.”
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What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
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Why did the boy only wear one snow boot?
There was only a 50% chance of snow.
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Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
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How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lettuce.”
“Lettuce, who?”
“Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”
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It’s the cold and flu time of year.
Or, as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.
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I was cycling to work when a snow plow suddenly overtook me at high speed, spreading salt which hit my face.
“BASTARD!” I shouted, through gritted teeth.
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How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.
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What was the snowman doing in the vegetable patch?
Picking his nose!
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What happens if you combine a vampire and a snowman?
You get frostbite.
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It’s as cold as a brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska.
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As cold as a witch’s tit in a brass bra.
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What do you do when you get locked outside your house in the cold weather?
You talk to the lock because communication is key.
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It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
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It was so cold that the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
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It was so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
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Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, “Didn’t you like the muffs?”
The Foreman said, “They’re a thing of beauty.”
“Why don’t you wear them?” The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, “I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! Never again, never again!”
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My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.
“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”
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It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.
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It’s so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.
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It’s so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
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It’s so cold, you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
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It’s so cold, the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a snowman!”
Doctor: “Keep cool.”
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One snowman said to another, “I’d heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...”
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What a morning...
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snowwoman.
8:15 I made a snowwoman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snowwoman’s voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snowwoman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 I am told the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter, “Yeah, if it’s up your...”
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 ISIS just claimed responsibility...
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What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
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Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
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One snowman asks another, “How do you stay in such good shape?”
He answers, “All I do is set the hairdryer on high heat and pounds just melt away.”
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What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow?
The “inedible snowman”.
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Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?
A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.
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What happens when you drop a snowball in water?
It gets wet.
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What do you say to a stressed snowman?
Chill out!
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A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.
Then one day his father dies.
When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.
But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.
The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesn’t know any of the people’s traditional teachings.
So to be on the safe side, he says, “Yes. Better start gathering firewood.”
So they do.
Later that week, he decides to call up the National Weather Service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.
They say, “Apparently, it’s going to be pretty cold this year.”
So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.
The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.
They say “Yes! Apparently, it’s going to be even colder than we previously thought.”
So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.
He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him it’s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.
The chief asks how they know that.
And the man tells him, “I have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!”
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What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.
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Which is faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.
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What do you call a snowman in summer?
A puddle.
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What do snowmen do in summer?
Chillout.
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Did you hear about the snowman who got angry when the sun came out?
He had a total meltdown.
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What did the snowman say to the birthday girl?
Have an ice day!
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When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?
When it’s a snowman’s nose!
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Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.
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The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.
That way you can keep your hands warm when you’re pushing it home in the winter!
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