Enjoy our team's carefully selected What Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What is a treeβs least favorite month?
Sep-timber.
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What do trees do during September?
Turn over to a new leaf.
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What can you expect on September 15th which is National Camouflage Day?
Hope to not see anyone celebrating.
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What do you call a dog in August?
A hot dog.
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What are a school teacherβs three favorite words?
June, July, and August.
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What do you call a slow learner born at the beginning of August?
A leotard.
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What do gymnasts use to season their food in June, July, and August?
Somersault.
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What is Brian Mayβs son called?
Brian June.
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What do you call it when someone says itβs June in July?
Ju-lie.
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What did the calendar say to the wall clock when it became June 1st?
βI am dismayed!β
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What do you call someone who doesnβt believe it is June yet?
A May-sayer.
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What do you call a striker playing a June match?
A spring forward.
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Whatβs a henβs favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
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Whatβs a henβs favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
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What is a vampireβs favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
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What did the bully do to the orange?
Beat him to a pulp.
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Whatβs a hairdresserβs favorite Christmas song?
βOh, comb all ye faithful...β
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What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdresser?
A middle parting.
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What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
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What does a snail wear to go dancing?
Escargogo boots.
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What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
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What do you call a dancing ghost?
Polka-haunt-us.
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What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
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What is a wolfβs favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
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What is a wolfβs favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
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What do you call a werewolf for sale?
A warewolf.
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What do they call a group of werewolves?
Weβrewolves.
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What did the mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
βOut of the way, Iβm about to Puma pants!β
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What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
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What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
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What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
βThatβs the end of me!β
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What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
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What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
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What are a prisonerβs favorite building materials?
Steal and cement.
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What do bees use to build roads?
Nec-tar.
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What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
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What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?
Flanagan.
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What do you call an Irish reptile?
Croc OβDile.
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What do you call three Irish lumberjacks?
Tree fellers.
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What kinds of beer makes you urinate vowels?
IPAs.
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Whatβs Godβs favorite beer?
Busch Light.
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What do clams do on a summer vacation?
They shell-ebrate.
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Whatβs Irish and stays out all summer?
Paddy Oβfurniture.
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What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the North Pole and his winters at the South?
A bi-polar bear.
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What was the almond tree up to all summer?
Nuttinβ.
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What is the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Their seasoning.
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Whatβs the secret to Jesusβ summer beach body?
Cross fit.
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What is a snakeβs favorite dance?
The Mamba.
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What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
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What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
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What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
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What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
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What is a volleyball playerβs favorite drink?
Sets on the Beach.
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Whatβs a Christianβs favorite flower?
Jesus Rose.
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What did the florist say to the customer who was trying to bargain over the price of the rose bouquet?
βTake it or leaf it bud!β
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Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
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What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
βHop on!β
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What kind of ears do trains have?
Engin-eers.
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What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
Toot-and-come-in.
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What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
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What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews.
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What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
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What is a European dragonβs favorite food?
Swiss charred.
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Whatβs a dragonβs favorite snack?
Fire-crackers.
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What do you call a lawyer whoβs also a pirate?
A barracuda-talking sea attorney.
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What do you call a group of lawyers?
A lawsuit of attorneys.
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What do you call a lawyer who sings?
An opera attorney.
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What do you call a lawyer who practices in the morning?
A dawning attorney.
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What do you get when you cross the godfather with an attorney?
An offer you canβt understand.
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What do you call a bad electrician?
A shock absorber.
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What kind of car does an electrician drive?
A Volts-wagon.
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What is a Jedi electricianβs favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
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What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?
Air conditioner.
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What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
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What did the client say when they saw the final ad concept?
βCan we make the logo bigger?β
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What did the little cacti say to the big cactus when they were running away?
βCactus if you can!β
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What do you call it when a whole bunch of cacti fall over?
A cac-tas-trophy.
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What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
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What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
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What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
βGotta take the gouda with the bad.β
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What is more exciting than baseball?
Acidball.
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What are Pee Wee Hermanβs favorite baseball teams?
The Expos and The Yankees.
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What do you call a fasting camel?
Hump-less.
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What does Muslim Sonic say when Ramadan begins?
βGotta go fast!β
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What do you call the end of Ramadan?
Ramadusk.
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What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
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What do you call a Muslim crocodile?
An Allahgator.
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What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist?
It is a great peach of work.
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What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?
Ancient Greece.
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Whatβs a sheepβs favorite holy text?
The Baa-ble.
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What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer?
A milk sheikh.
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What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
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What do you call a grape thatβs always getting into trouble?
A mis-grape.
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What do you call a grape that can perform juggle?
A grape-fruit.
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What is fruity and burns?
The Grape Fire of London.
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What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
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What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?
OLAY.
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What do you call a half-baked joke?
A pun in the oven.
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What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
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What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
Me ghosta.
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Whatβs the difference between a physician and a preschool teacher?
One has a job with patients, the other has the patience of job.
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What do you call an Italian mosquito?
Malario.
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What is an Italianβs favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
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What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda.
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What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
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What excuse did the bowler give when he was accused of stealing?
βI was framed!β
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What did the plumber call his restroom?
A home office.
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What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
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What do you call a person from Portugal?
Portuguese.
What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?
Portugeezer.
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What do you call an extraterrestrial that speaks Portuguese?
A Brazalien.
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Whatβs a toilet on a Portuguese jetty called?
A porto potty.
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What do you call a Portuguese person all by themself?
A Portugoose.
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What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
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What did the apple teacher say to her student?
βHelp me orange the chairs please!β
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Whatβs one thing that youβll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
Youβll both be filled with stuffing.
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What sound does a turkeyβs phone make?
βWing, wing.β
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Whatβs something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?
A family member giving you the bird.
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What do you call rain on Turkey Day?
Fowl weather.
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What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
βQuack! Quack!β
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What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Yammies.
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What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
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What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dogβs nose.
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What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
Fangs-giving.
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What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
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What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
God save the kin.
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Whatβs the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot.
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What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
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What is a teddy bearβs favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing.
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Whatβs Thanksgiving?
Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.
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What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G.
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What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?
Plump kin.
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What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
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What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?
Grave-y!
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What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?
24 Karat cakes.
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What is a bad bowlerβs favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving because they finally get a turkey.
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Whatβs a mathematicianβs favorite part of Thanksgiving?
Pumpkin pi.
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What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?
ββ¦This is the way.β
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What if the Indians would have given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey?
Weβd all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.
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What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?
βEasy, I tell the bird he is going to die.β
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Whatβs the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
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Whatβs the difference between retail workers and turkeys?
We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.
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What can never be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
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What do you call bread baked by a poet?
Poet-rye.
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What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
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What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
βTo be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.β
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What language do things that fly in the sky speak?
Plane English.
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What does vikings call English villages?
Chopping centers.
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What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
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What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone.
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Whatβs the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night?
Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
Horror night is...
When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.
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What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
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What is a pranksterβs favorite toy?
Silly String.
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What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
βApril Fool! Iβm not really dead!β
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What do you call it when you prank a person on Sunday?
Sabbathtoge.
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What do you call a streetcar that plays pranks on people?
A troll-ey.
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What do you call a leprechaunβs prank?
A St. Pat-trick!
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What did the mayo say after being pranked on April Foolsβ Day?
βWhat the hellmann!β
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What happens to corny jokesters who get jailed on April Foolsβ Day?
They go to the pun-itentiary.
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What is it called when shapes play pranks on each other?
Geometrick.
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What do you call a hammer bought on April 1st?
April tool.
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What do you call the people born in April who arenβt particularly intelligent?
April fools.
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What did the victims of a month-delayed April Foolsβ prank feel?
Dismay.
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What monster plays the most April Foolsβ jokes?
Prankenstein!
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What did the first person to get April fooled say?
βJesus! I thought you were dead!β
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What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?Β
Automobile.
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What would you callΒ an unidentified object which landed in Australia?
Australien.
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What would you call a walking mosquito?
An itch-hiker.
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What would you callΒ Israel if it disappeared away?
Wasreal.
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What would you call Santa if you found him at the South Pole?
A lost clause.
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Whatβs the similarity between a fresh pair of shorts and a Bugatti bought by a shady businessman?
Both were laundered.
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants.
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What is a pianistβs favorite cheese?
Mozzartrella.
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What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry?
Shrekspeare.
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Why doesnβt an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
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What happens if an owl doesnβt wash?
It smells fowl.
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Whatβs an owlβs favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
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What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?
Bond. Gold Bond.
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What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
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Whatβs it like to be kissed by a vampire?
Itβs a pain in the neck.
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Whatβs the worst part about going to the doctor and being diagnosed with diabetes?
You donβt get a lollipop afterward.
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What did Santa get the day after Christmas?
Diabetes.
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What did one broken ankle say to the other?
βLetβs stay positive and get back on our feet!β
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What do you call a dumb carnivore?
A meathead.
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What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?
A gastrophysicist.
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What do you call a flu that became a musician?
Achoo-bacca.
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What do you call a flying pig?
Swine flu.
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What is the most common illness in China?
Kung Flu.
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What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?
An immunicorn.
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What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?
Influen(zer).
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Whatβs the first sign that you have caught bird flu?
Fowl symptoms.
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Whatβs the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.
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What is an Indianβs favorite place to be?
Indiana.
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What do Indians, Pilgrims, and Puritans have in common?
The letter βIβ.
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What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
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What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
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Whatβs the hardest part of the roofing business?
The overhead.
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What is Bob Marley called on a motorbike?
Bob Harley.
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What do you get when you mix a motorbike with a joke?
A Yamahaha.
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What do nuns do?
Nunthing.
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What do you call a nun with a drinking problem?
A bad habit.
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What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
A nun rolling down a hill.
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What do you call oyster nuns?
Cloisters.
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What do you call a sleep walking Nun?
A Roaminβ Catholic.
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What do you call a red, white and blue pie?
Pastry-otic.
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What do you call cheese that is sad?
Blue cheese.
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What is a bearβs favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
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Whatβs the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale.
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What is red, white, and blue?
A sad candy cane.
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What do you call a sad berry?
A blue-fruit.
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Whatβs a blueberryβs favorite song?
Anything from the Blue Album by Weezer.
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What did the sky say to the ocean?
Nothing, they just had a blue period together.
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What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?
βHey, pal, want to blue me away?β
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What do you call a depressed unicorn?
A blue-corn.
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What did the blue paint say to the red paint when they met?
βYouβre looking rosy!β
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Whatβs a blue shoe?
A shoe with the blues.
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What did the blue cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
βHallou-mi!β
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What did the blue crayon say to the yellow crayon?
βThis isnβt cray-on you.β
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What did one blue eye say to the other?
Between us, something smells.
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What did the blue square say to the red triangle?
βHi-angle!β
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What do you call a blue owl?
A hoo-dini.
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What do you call a sneaky blue bean?
A navy bean.
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What did the blue crayon say to the green crayon?
βYouβre green-crayon me!β
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What did the blue paint brush say to the red paint brush?
βI blue you away.β
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Whatβs a sad shade of blue?
Bereaved.
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What do you call a depressed blue crayon?
Blue-tiful.
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What do you call a blue cat that likes to race?
A fast purrr-ple.
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What do you call a sad little blue planet?
A gloom.
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Whatβs blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
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What did the blue tie say to the little red dress?
βYou go ahead, Iβll just hang around.β
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What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blue-berry.
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What do youΒ callΒ a hip bone thatβs late for surgery?
Hip-late.
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Whatβs a hipsterβs favorite type of surgery?
A hip replacement.
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What do you callΒ a skeleton who just had hip surgery?
Hip-ster!
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What did one hip replacement say to the other?
βYou crack me up!β
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What did Uranus say to its moon?
βYou have the right to remain in orbit, anything you say will be taken out of context!β
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Whatβs the favorite genre of music on Uranus?
Space Opera.
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Whatβs Uranusβ favorite hobby?
Planet-ting.
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What did the other planets say to Uranus when it was feeling sad?
βCheer up, lifeβs just a gas!β
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What did Uranus say to Earth?
βYouβre always following me around. Give me some space!β
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Whatβs Uranusβ favorite ice cream flavor?
Gas-tronomic swirl.
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Whatβs Uranusβ favorite type of bread?
Gas-tly sourdough.
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What did the comet say when it visited Uranus?
βThis place is a gas!β
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Whatβs Uranusβ favorite type of weather?
Gas-tly winds.
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Whatβs Uranusβ favorite type of vehicle?
Gas-guzzler.
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Whatβs Uranusβ favorite subject?
Gas-tronomy.
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What did the comet say to Uranus?
βYouβre out of this world!β
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Whatβs Uranusβ favorite accessory?
A gas mask.
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Whatβs Uranusβ favorite type of humor?
Dark matter jokes.
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Whatβs Uranusβ favorite comedy movie?
Guardians of the Gas-laxy.
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Whatβs Uranusβ favorite party trick?
Its gas giant dance moves.
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What is the definition of breakfast?
What a driver does when a light suddenly changes.
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What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner!
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What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blueberry muffin.
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What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects?
A con artist.
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What is the result of an art competition?
A draw.
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What does an owl need after taking a bath?
A t-owl.
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What do you call an amazing day up a mountain?
A peak experience.
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What do you call a fire at the Internet cafΓ©?
An e-mergency.
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What is the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.
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Whatβs the definition of Specimen?
An Italian astronaut.
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What is the definition ofΒ laziness?
The art of taking rest before getting tired. Because prevention is better than cure.
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Whatβs the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
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Whatβs the difference in definition of complete vs. finished?
When you marry the right woman, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.
When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.
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What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?
Phil Ming.
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What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
βLet me give you a taste of your own medicine.β
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What do elves and registeredΒ nurses have in common?
They both do all the work and one guy in an oversized coat gets all the credit.
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What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
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What isΒ Harry Potterβs favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
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What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
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What did the red panda say after winning a race?
βIβm un-bear-ably fast!β
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What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
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What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?
A chirotractor.
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What did one roll of toilet paper say to the other?
βIβm feeling wiped out!β
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What do you call a male buffalo?
A buffellow.
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What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?
Itβs impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
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What did a dam say to the river?
βWater you thinking?β
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What did a brick say to a wall?
βIβve got your back!β
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What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?
An ambulance!
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What do you call your co-workers in a boring and depressing workplace?
Melancolleague(s).
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What do you call a tuna with a monocle?
Sofishticated.
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What do you call a zombie that writes the music?
Decomposer.
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What do you get when you send a wolf to therapy?
Aware wolf.
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What do you call guys who love math?
Algebros.
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What do you call a Spanish guy who has been discharged from hospital?
Manuel.
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What do you call a guy whoβs mad about his feet getting run over?
Lack-toes intolerant.
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What do you call a guy whoβs 19 years old forever?
Constantine.
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What do you call a guy who urinates on the streets of Europe?
European.
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What do you call a guy in a plaid suit?
Check mate.
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What do you call a guy leaning against a wall?
Art.
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What do you call a guy floating up and down in the water?
Bob.
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What do you call a guy whoβs laying down in front of a door?
Matt.
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What do you call a guy that works out a lot?
Jim.
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What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic.
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What do you call a guy who specializes in tile floors?
Tyler.
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What do you call a guy whoβs had too much to drink?
A cab.
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Whatβs the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
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What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
An orca-stra.
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What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
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What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.
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What do you call a Viking who canβt catch fish?
A cod-less heathen.
π π π
What is the most popular console with the Vikings?
The axe-box.
π π π
Whatβs the hardest part about being a vegan?
It is getting up at 4.30am to milk the almonds.
π π π
What is great in the US but awful in the UK?
Losing pounds.
π π π
What would you call a small scoop of ice cream?
A uni-cone.
π π π
What is special about unicorns?
Their unique horns.
π π π
What do a unicorn and an ocean filled with orange soda have in common?
They are both a Fanta sea.
π π π
What do you call a unicornβs dad?
Popcorn.
π π π
What do you call a unicorn with two horns?
A goat.
π π π
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
π π π
What do you get when you cross a robot and a tractor?
A transfarmer.
π π π
What do farmers use to make crop circles?
A pro-tractor.
π π π
βWhatβs the difference between curtains and toilet paper?β
βI donβt know.β
βSo it was you!β
π π π
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
βIβM BREADY TO DIE!β
π π π
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
βIβm taking you into crustody.β
π π π
What is Thriday?
That moment when Thursday starts to feel a lot like a Friday.
π π π
What is the busiest day for a chiropractor?
Throwback Thursday.
π π π
What do you call a Thursday that feels a bit off?
Thirst-day, because itβs always craving the weekend.
π π π
What do you call Texas if it ever successfully seceded from the USA?
Texit.
π π π
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saw-urus.
How do you call a blind dinosaurβs dog?
Do-you-think-he-saw-urus Rex.
π π π
What do you call a T-Rex thatβs been weightlifting all day?
Dino-sore.
π π π
Whatβs the nickname for someone who put their right hand in the mouth of a T-Rex?
Lefty.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between Netflix and a Bass guitar?
Netflix has Stranger Things 4 and a Bass guitar has 4 Strange Strings.
π π π
Whatβs the best way to talk to The Mind Flayer?
From a distance.
π π π
Whatβs the perfect St. Paddyβs Day breakfast?
Green eggs and ham.
π π π
Whatβs long and green and only shows up once a year?
The St. Patrickβs Day parade.
π π π
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
βYou are to little to smoke!β
π π π
Whatβs SpongeBobβs worst personality trait?
Heβs way too self-absorbent.
π π π
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
π π π
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
π π π
What is a slothβs favorite form of exercise?
Running late.
π π π
What did the slave owners use to purchase their slaves?
A MasterCard.
π π π
What do you call an Asian electrician who is skinny?
Light Ning.
π π π
What is the name of a skinny Pakistani cow?
A moo-slim.
π π π
Whatβs the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?
Theyβre both pointless.
π π π
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
π π π
What do you say at a robot funeral?
Rust in peace.
π π π
Whatβs a real estate agentβs favorite song?
βFor Lease Navidadβ
π π π
Whatβs the human psychology behind all this toilet paper hoarding?
Thatβs just how we roll.
π π π
What is a boxerβs favorite drink?
Punch.
π π π
Whatβs the hardest thing about skydiving?
The ground.
π π π
Whatβs the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?
The pavement.
π π π
What do you call a grizzly with no shoes?
Bear foot.
π π π
What did one ear of corn say to the other traveling down the highway?
Looks like we had a tire pop out.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between popcorn and pea soup?
Anyone can pop corn, but you canβt pee soup.
π π π
What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?
The dentist.
π π π
What do you call a polar bear on the South Pole and another Polar Bear On The North Pole?
Polar Opposites.
π π π
What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A polar bear.
π π π
What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
Mmmm, sandwiches!
π π π
What do you call a bear who lives in the Arctic and has extreme mood swings?
A bi-polar bear.
π π π
What do plumbers, garbage men, and economists all have in common?
They all deal with gross domestic product.
π π π
Whatβs a Pinterest userβs favorite type of weather?
Rainy, so they have an excuse to stay in and pin all day.
π π π
Whatβs a Pinterest addictβs favorite exercise?
Re-pinning.
π π π
What do you get when you cross a pineapple and a pig?
A porkyβpine.
π π π
What is a bank cardβs favorite fruit?
A PIN-apple.
π π π
What do you call a fat pineapple?
A pineapple chunk.
π π π
Whatβs the stupidest element on the periodic table?
Silicon.
π π π
What do you call a penny that thinks for itself?
A centient.
π π π
What did the grape say when the peanut butter tried to stick to it?
βStop jammin me!β
π π π
What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth?
You jam it.
π π π
Whatβs a pandaβs biggest life regret?
Never had a selfie in color.
π π π
What do you call a parrot when he canβt fly?
A walkie talkie.
π π π
What do you call a male panda?
Amanda.
π π π
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
π π π
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes.
π π π
Whatβs black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
π π π
Whatβs black and white and goes up and down?
A panda whoβs stuck in a lift.
π π π
What do you call an otter with acne?
A spotty otter.
π π π
What do you say to the otter with a bad tooth?
βYou otter see the dentist.β
π π π
What do you call an otter whoβs obsessed with trains?
A trainsp-otter.
π π π
What do you call an otter with a brand-new pair of glasses?
A see otter.
π π π
What do you call an otter who has yams in both of his ears?
It doesnβt matter, he canβt hear you.
π π π
What is an otterβs favourite fast car?
A Furrari Testerotter. It really is a dream otter-mobile.
π π π
What is a clinical trial done in October called?
A trick or treatment.
π π π
What do you say when itβs the end of the month?
Oct-over.
π π π
What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?
Band aides.
π π π
What do you call an older woman who was born around late November and early December?
Saggytarius.
π π π
What do you call the 1st of November?
Octover.
π π π
What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?
βWhat were you doing the night between November and May?β
π π π
What is the official tree of National Pi Day?
A Pi-ne tree.
π π π
What is the official animal of National Pi Day?
The pi-thon.
π π π
What did pi say when someone asked if it could explain what Pi Day was again?
βI donβt want to repeat myself.β
π π π
Whatβs my blood doctorβs favorite motivational quote?
Be Positive.
π π π
What is a mothβs favorite type of glasses?
Lampshades.
π π π
What do you call a moth that wonβt leave you alone?
Moth-erly.
π π π
What is a myth?
A female moth.
π π π
What is the worldβs largest moth?
A Mam-moth.
π π π
What is going through a mothβs mind when it flies into a car windshield?
Its abdomen.
π π π
What is the definition of a farmer?
Someone is good in their field.
π π π
What did the egg say to the frying pan?
You crack me up.
π π π
What did the squirrel say on Labor Day weekend?
βTime to get nutty!β
π π π
What did the barbecue say on Labor Day weekend?
Time to get fired up!
π π π
What did the beach say on Labor Day weekend?
Long time no sea!
π π π
What do nuclear plants serve their workers for the Labor Day party?
Fission Chips.
π π π
What did the chef say to his staff on Labor Day?
βLetβs take a break and cook up some fun!β
π π π
What do you call a group of union workers on Labor Day?
A day of rest-olution.
π π π
What did the factory worker say to his boss on Labor Day?
βIβm tired of working for peanuts!β
π π π
What do you call a lazy kangaroo on Labor Day?
A pouch potato.
π π π
What did the farmer say to his workers on Labor Day?
βI donβt carrot all, take the day off and lettuce celebrate!β
π π π
Whatβs a kangarooβs favorite type of clothing?
A jump-suit.
π π π
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A woolly jumper.
π π π
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
Great big holes all over Australia.
π π π
What do you call a tired kangaroo?
Out of bounds.
π π π
What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever!
π π π
Whatβs the most intelligent mountain?
The Cleverest.
π π π
What do you call an elevator filled with rational, intelligent people?
A lift.
π π π
What did the man, eating pickles, say to two of his friends who were complaining about Wednesday?
βYou two have got to dill with this hump today!β
π π π
What is a camelβs favorite day of the week?
Hump day!
π π π
Whatβs an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.
π π π
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.
π π π
What do you call a bird thatβs afraid of heights?
A chicken.
π π π
Whatβs black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A guitarist whoβs told too many drummer jokes.
π π π
What do feminists say at the end of their prayers?
Awomen.
π π π
What is a feministβs favorite type of candy?
Her-Shes.
π π π
What did Chuck Norris get when he visited the feminist rally for womenβs rights?
He got his shirt ironed.
π π π
Whatβs a feministβs least favorite food?
Gender rolls.
π π π
Whatβs a feministβs favorite music festival?
Burning Man.
π π π
What is the favorite fruit of feminists?
Mangoes.
π π π
What do you call a letter from a feminist?
Hate male.
π π π
What is in 2020s calendar?
January, February, Lockdown, December.
π π π
What do you say when someone dies between February 19th and March 20th?
Rest in Pisces.
π π π
What did the Elf on the Shelf put on his face after shaving?
Elftershave.
π π π
What do my ex-wife and the economy have in common?
Inflation over time.
π π π
What do you call someone who likes Easter but doesnβt believe in the Easter Bunny?
Eggnostic.
π π π
What is the Easter Bunnyβs favourite color?
Egg white.
π π π
What do they have for breakfast in earthquake zones?
Panquakes.
π π π
Whatβs a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
π π π
What do truckers celebrate in December?
The haul-idays.
π π π
What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
βItβs Christmas, Eve!β
π π π
What did the underpaid data scientist say?
βI need arrays.β
π π π
What did the doctor ask the composer right before his colonoscopy?
βHow many movements?β
π π π
What do you call an exploration mission to Uranus?
Colonoscopy.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between a doctor and a civil engineer?
A doctor kills people one at a time.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
π π π
What do you call a Catholic priest who became a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
π π π
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a millionaire?
A bunny with money.
π π π
What do you call a chocolate Easter Bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.
π π π
What is the common thing between an entrepreneur and a suicide bomber?
Do the job well on the first try and they are set for life.
π π π
Whatβs suicide bombersβ biggest fear?
Dying alone.
π π π
What do you call a bug that hesitates before biting something?
A nervous tick.
π π π
What did the guy with big ears say when his boss asked if he could have a word with him?
βIβm all ears.β
π π π
Whatβs the difference between a bassist and god?
God doesnβt think heβs a bassist.
π π π
Whatβs the definition of an optimist?
A bassist player with a mortgage.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between a bass guitar and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
π π π
Whatβs the best thing to play a bass guitar with?
A razor blade.
π π π
What did the banker say to the electrician?
βWe will pay for your current account.β
π π π
What do you put in a female balloon?
Shelium.
π π π
What do you get if you cross a porcupine with a balloon?
Pop!
π π π
What did the skydiver say in autumn?
I love the fall.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between an architect and an engineer?
If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own.
If engineers built all the buildings, theyβd be so ugly, weβd tear them all down.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between a doctor and an architect?
An architectβs mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.
π π π
What do nuns call prison air conditioning?
A convent.
π π π
What is the propeller used for on an airplane?
Many people do not know this, but is actually for air conditioning.
If you ever get to see it when the propeller stops, the pilot suddenly starts sweating.
π π π
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
π π π
What do you call an aboriginal hanging in a tree?
Abocado.
π π π
What do you call an aboriginal in a lamp?
An abori-genie.
π π π
What do you call an aboriginal rolling down a hill?
Abolanche.
π π π
What do you call a man with one leg?
Anything you want. He canβt run fast enough to catch you.
π π π
What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?
Lucky.
π π π
What does a one-legged man call karate?
Partial Arts.
π π π
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Tai Wan Shu.
π π π
What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Yearβs Eve?
Hogs and kisses.
π π π
What do you call always wanting a date for New Yearβs Eve?
Social Security.
π π π
Whatβs the problem with jogging on New Yearβs Eve?
The ice falls out of your drinks!
π π π
What did the peanut butter say to the jelly when it won the lottery?
βWeβre rich and jellyous!β
π π π
What did the peanut butter say to the jelly when they got lost?
βWeβre in a jam!β
π π π
What did the nachos say to the cheese?
We were meant to bean.
π π π
What did the Patriot apply to the dry patches on the skin?
Revo-lotion.
π π π
What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?
The wrong firework.
π π π
What do you call a Polish fisherman?
A fishing pole.
π π π
What do you call a Polish ape?
Chimpanski.
π π π
What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a volleyball court?
Annette.
π π π
What do spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
π π π
What do you call a Puerto Rican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
π π π
What do you call a Puerto Rican dish thatβs not spicy?
A mistake.
π π π
What do you call a Puerto Rican without a car?
Carlos.
π π π
What is the perfect profession for narcissists?
Architect. Because theyβll forever be making entrances and drawing stairs.
π π π
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
π π π
What is totally untrue about mummies?
That they are all evil. They get a bad wrap.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between a cow and a moose?
One moos, the other moose.
π π π
What do you call a small, yellow onion?
A Min-ion.
π π π
What do you call someone who has a lot of minions?
A minion-aire.
π π π
What do minions call their grandmothers?
Ba-nanas.
π π π
What did Kasparov ask Michael Jackson?
βDo you want to be black or white?β
π π π
What did the mermaid wear to her math class?
An algae bra.
π π π
What do you call violent mermaids?
Mercenaries.
π π π
What do you call a mermaid on a roof?
Aerial.
π π π
Whatβs worse than getting a job at McDonaldβs?
Not getting the job at McDonaldβs.
π π π
Whatβs a teacherβs favorite way to celebrate National Teacher Day on May 2nd?
By giving students a pop quiz to see if theyβve been may-taining their knowledge.
π π π
What do you call a Chinese lobster?
A crust-asian.
π π π
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean.
π π π
What did a llama mum say about the twin siblings?
They looked like the spitting image of each other.
π π π
What do you call a llama with his head underwater?
Anything you want, he canβt hear you.
π π π
What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help?
Lemon aid.
π π π
What do you call a PC made of legos?
Bricked.
π π π
Whatβs the most common operation in a Lego hospital?
Plastic surgery.
π π π
What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?
This is a fine mesh weβve gotten ourselves into.
π π π
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
π π π
What do you call tea made with weed and koala bears?
A High Koala Tea Beverage.
π π π
Whatβs a koalaβs favorite end-of-the-world food?
Apocalyptus.
π π π
What is a bearβs favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
π π π
What is it called when your knee transplant fails?
Iron-knee.
π π π
Whatβs the first month of the year in Transylvania?
Janu-eerie.
π π π
What do an insurance policy and a woman have in common?
They are both expensive, difficult to understand, and what you get is not guaranteed.
π π π
Whatβs a tall personβs worst fear?
Ceiling fans.
π π π
What did the doctor say about the tall person who was in a rush to see him?
βI just wish he was a little patient.β
π π π
What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?
A Volt-demort.
π π π
What do you call a left-handed woman with a gunshot wound in her right arm?
An ambulance.
π π π
What do you call a beautiful woman on a bass playerβs arm?
A tattoo.
π π π
What do you call a bass player who broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
π π π
What is Godβs favorite guitar chord?
G-Sus.
π π π
What do you call two ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese?
A paradux.
π π π
What do you call a possessed bird?
A polter-goose.
π π π
What do you call a little guy in a pointy hat on a train saying βtick, tick, tickβ?
A metro-gnome.
π π π
What do you call a psychic gnome that just committed a hit and run?
A small medium at large.
π π π
What do you call a red-haired baker?
The ginger bread man.
π π π
What is it called when two redheads have a kid?
Ginger bred.
π π π
What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem?
βLetβs try a different angle.β
π π π
What did the linguistics professor fail Geometry?
He was really bad a translating!
π π π
Whatβs the scariest thing to do on Friday the 13th?
Check your bank account.
π π π
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
π π π
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flamin-ghost.
π π π
What did the firefighter say when the church caught on fire?
βHoly smoke!β
π π π
What did dad say when he got a universal remote for Fatherβs Day?
This changes everything!
π π π
What do you call a person who overuses emojis?
Β―\_(γ)_/Β―
π π π
What do you call a gangster who wears eyeliner?
An emoji.
π π π
What do you call a detective electrician?
Sherlock Ohms.
π π π
What did one Egyptian say to the other when they farted at the same time?
Looks like weβve got a Tutankhamen.
π π π
What did the drummer call his twin sons?
Tom.
π π π
Whatβs a drummerβs favorite vegetable?
Beets.
π π π
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
π π π
What did the dragon say to the bad employee?
Youβre fired.
π π π
What do dragons like with their soup?
Firecrackers.
π π π
What do you call a dragon with no wings?
Draggin.
π π π
What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water?
Dolphout.
π π π
What do you get when you cross a Tyrannosaurus rex with explosives?
Dino-mite.
π π π
What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Plenty of room.
π π π
What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?
It runs in your genes.
π π π
Whatβs faster: lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
π π π
What do you call two depressed bears?
Bipolar.
π π π
What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?
Both demand you respect them, but donβt want to follow the same rules as you.
π π π
What is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?
Imagination.
π π π
What do you call a female crab who is also single?
Ms. Shell.
π π π
What do you call a crab that throws things?
A lobster.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between me and a camel?
A camel can work all week without drinking, I can drink all week without working.
π π π
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
π π π
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-a.
π π π
What do you call a pig stuck in a cactus?
A porcupine.
π π π
What do you call a gender-confused cactus that relocates to another country?
A trans plant.
π π π
What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
π π π
What do you call a bison that is good at telling lies?
Bluffalo.
π π π
What do you call a 200-year-old Buffalo?
A bison-tennial.
π π π
Whatβs the worst part about trying to contact a bingo player?
You have to send them a letter with your number B4 theyβll respond.
π π π
What do vampires play bingo with?
Stake money.
π π π
What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?
Hamsterdam.
π π π
What is a pressing thought of every pig?
βWhy do all bacon get cooked and cookies get baked?β
π π π
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
Pineapple.
π π π
Whatβs worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
π π π
Whatβs the largest species of ants?
Gi-ants.
π π π
Whatβs a cowβs favorite TV drama?
Graze Anatomy.
π π π
What do you get when you cross a turtle and an alpaca?
A turtleneck sweater.
π π π
What is an alpaca that is mixed with a dog called?
A Wool-f.
π π π
What is a NASA office workerβs favorite part of the workday?
Launchtime.
π π π
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.
π π π
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, theyβre already stuffed.
π π π
Whatβs the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turkey.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day.
On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
π π π
What do you call someone dressed as a clown who falls down the stairs?
An ambulance.
π π π
Whatβs the one thing in this human life that you can count on?
A calculator.
π π π
What do you call a talking turtle?
A cartoon.
π π π
Whatβs the fastest speed at which a seahorse swims?
At a scallop.
π π π
What is a seafood an Italian would love to have?
A moray.
π π π
Whatβs Shrekβs favorite item of clothing?
An ogrecoat.
π π π
Whatβs worse than a box full of snakes?
A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.
π π π
What do single people call Valentineβs Day?
Happy Independence Day.
π π π
Whatβs a poodleβs favorite kind of pizza?
Pupperoni.
π π π
What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
The Anti-crust.
π π π
Whatβs the lazy bakerβs favorite recipe?
Loaf bread.
π π π
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
π π π
What is a golferβs worst nightmare?
The bogeyman.
π π π
Whatβs a punβs best trait?
His pun-ctuality.
π π π
What do you call dental X-rays?
Tooth pics.
π π π
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
π π π
What do you call a pencil with two erasers?
Pointless.
π π π
What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist.
π π π
What do you call a dog with 2 legs?
Snoop Dogg.
π π π
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator.
π π π
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dinosnore.
π π π
What do you call a nosy pepper?
JalapeΓ±o business.
π π π
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
π π π
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyathinkysaurus.
π π π
What do you call a fish with 4 eyes?
A fiiiish.
π π π
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesnβt matter what you call him, he ainβt gonna come.
π π π
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom!
π π π
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
π π π
Whatβs the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
π π π
What do you say when itβs raining chickens and ducks on April Foolsβ Day?
Itβs fowl spring weather.
π π π
What is a soldierβs most active day of the year?
March forth!
π π π
What do you call a potato that has turned to the Dark side?
Vader Tots.
π π π
What do you call two Han Solos singing together?
Han Duet.
π π π
What did the lettuce say to the ship?
ICEBERG!
π π π
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I donβt know, lettuce sea.
π π π
What is a sailorβs least favorite vegetable?
Leeks.
π π π
What is a recently divorced womanβs favorite fruit?
Mango.
π π π
What do you call a Scottish girl with a fake tan in an Indian restaurant?
A mango lassie.
π π π
What is the opposite of mango?
Womanstay.
π π π
What did the internal auditor do to liven up the office party?
He didnβt show up.
π π π
What did the little boy take his bicycle to bed with him?
Because he didnβt want to walk in his sleep.
π π π
What do you have left over after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
π π π
What did the watermelon write on his Valentineβs card?
βYouβre one in a melon!β
π π π
What do you call a dog that herds watermelons?
A Melon Collie.
π π π
What do you call a Jewish fish?
Isra-eel.
π π π
What is a cucumber and a dolphin doing in the same room?
Sushi.
π π π
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
π π π
What did the avocado do at the wedding?
Make a toast.
π π π
What do you call an animal found under the avocado tree?
A guaca-mole.
π π π
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
π π π
What do vegetarians say when they meet someone new?
Nice to vegetable you.
π π π
What do you call it when one chickpea murders another?
Hummus-cide.
π π π
What did one vegetarian say to the other vegetarian?
We have to stop meating like this.
π π π
What do you call someone whoβs really into stationary biking?
A cyclepath.
π π π
What do you call cheese thatβs not yours?
Nacho cheese.
π π π
What do you call a Hispanic man who spilled his nachos?
A messycan.
π π π
What do you call tortilla chips with guns?
Loaded Nachos.
π π π
What do you call a row of trucks hauling nachos?
A cheesy pickup line.
π π π
What is a pirateβs least favorite workout?
Planks. His favorite is chest day.
π π π
What did the first egg tell the second egg when it didnβt make it on time?
Omelette.
π π π
What is small, square and green?
A small green square.
π π π
What is the proper way to use a stress ball at work?
To throw it at the last person that upset you. Instant de-stress.
π π π
What is the best way to criticize your boss?
Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.
π π π
What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?
The saddest vegetable known to manβa melonccoli.
π π π
What do you get if you cross a pig and a witch with sand?
A ham sandwich.
π π π
What do you eat at the beach?
A sand-wich.
π π π
What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?
The Deli Llama.
π π π
What do elves make sandwiches with?
Shortbread.
π π π
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
You make me melt.
π π π
What do peanuts wear on their feet?
Cashews.
π π π
What do you call a single kernel of corn?
A uni-corn.
π π π
What is a poetβs favorite legume?
Rhyma-beans!
π π π
What do you get if you eat onions on your beans?
Tear gas.
π π π
What do you call a retired old cowboy?
De-ranged.
π π π
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No ideer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no ideer.
π π π
What do you say to an angry baked sweet potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
π π π
What did the butter say to the bread?
βIβm on a roll!β
π π π
What did the customer say to the cashier who asked if he wanted his milk in a bag?
βJust leave it in the carton, please.β
π π π
What do you call it when you walk into a tea shop and feel like youβve been there before?
DΓ©ja-brew.
π π π
What is a deerβs favorite boba flavor?
C-antelope!
π π π
What did the dad turkey say to his stubborn child?
βIf your mother could see you now, sheβd be turning over in her gravy.β
π π π
What does a predator call a hummingbird?
Fast food!
π π π
What did the priest say to the salad before he ate it?
Lett-uce pray.
π π π
What did the salad say to the chef?Β
Lett-uce go!
π π π
What did the salad dressing say to the tomato?
Donβt look, Iβm dressing!
π π π
What did they call the first person to bake a pie?
A pie-oneer.
π π π
What do you call a pig thief?
A hamburglar.
π π π
What do you do when you see a severely injured pig that requires immediate medical attention?
You call the hambulance.
π π π
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
π π π
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
π π π
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
π π π
What do Santaβs little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet.
π π π
What is a math teacherβs favorite sum?
Summer!
π π π
What is a math teacherβs favorite tree?
Geometry.
π π π
What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke?
The snack thatβs also crack.
π π π
What do you call people with big ears?
Nothing, they might hear you.
π π π
What is CHEVROLET an acronym for?
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques.
π π π
What do you call a Chevrolet parked at the top of a hill?
A miracle.
π π π
What do you call someone who canβt stick with a diet?
A desserter.
π π π
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
βI be-leaf in you.β
π π π
What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs donβt turn into men when they drink.
π π π
What do you call someone whoβs happy on Mondays?
Retired!
π π π
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
Hope itβs Halloween...
π π π
What do you call a desert-dwelling witch?
A sand-witch.
π π π
What did the vampire say to his hungry friend?
Donβt B-negative. Look for more positive.
π π π
What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?
Spook-hetti!
π π π
What do ghosts use to do their makeup?
Vanishing cream.
π π π
What did people say when the headless horseman started dating a zombie?
Heβs lost his head!
π π π
What do you call a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.
π π π
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
π π π
Whatβs the problem with twin witches?
You never know which witch is which.
π π π
What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
Mummies.
π π π
What do you call six witches in a Jacuzzi?
A self-cleaning coven.
π π π
What is a vampireβs worst fear?
Tooth decay.
π π π
Whatβs a ghostβs favorite dessert?
I-Scream!
π π π
What is in a ghostβs nose?
Boo-gers.
π π π
What did one ghost say to the other?
Get a life!
π π π
What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day?
Lazy bones.
π π π
What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. Itβs good for business.
π π π
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
Do you believe in people?
π π π
What do you do when you get locked outside your house in the cold weather?
You talk to the lock because communication is key.
π π π
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
π π π
What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow?
The βinedible snowmanβ.
π π π
What did the leaf say to autumn?
Iβm falling for you!
π π π
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
π π π
What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?
βAre you feeling ill?β
π π π
What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?
βYou are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!β
π π π
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, βHey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.β
π π π
What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hot dog?
He relished it.
π π π
What do you call a dog with a fever?
Hot dog.
π π π
What do you have to put on your hot dogs?
Must-ard!
π π π
What did the American hot dog say to the German hot dog?
Youβre the wurst.
π π π
Whatβs the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
π π π
What did the man do when he saw a hot dog?
He put it in the shade.
π π π
What do you call a sea of hot dogs?
Frank Ocean.
π π π
What is the best way to enjoy a hot dog?
Relish it.
π π π
What did the people call the bad hot dog stand?
The WURST!
π π π
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot dog bun?
Frank.
π π π
What did the mom say when her kid dropped their hot dog?
It could always be wurst!
π π π
What do you call a saw that cuts hot dogs?
Sawsage.
π π π
What do you call a candid hot dog?
A frankfurter.
π π π
What do you call a claim that a guy could eat a foot long hot dog in two bites?
Hard to swallow.
π π π
What do you call a hot dog race?
Wiener takes all.
π π π
What do you call a frozen frankfurter?
A chili dog.
π π π
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter?
Ketch-up!
π π π
What did Alex say to his college roommate to get him to stop working on his college essay and come out for hot dogs?
Relish today...
And Ketchup tomorrow.
π π π
What did the hot dog say when it crossed the finish line?
βIβm a wiener!β
π π π
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it?
A hollow-weenie!
π π π
What did the constipated hot dog say?
Muuussttuurrrdd!!
π π π
What do you call Spider-Man with 20 eyes?
Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider-Man.
π π π
What do heroes like Spider-Man and Ant-Man have in common?
They bug the villains!
π π π
What do you call it when Spider-Man is involved in a love triangle?
A tangled web.
π π π
What do you call Spider-Man joining the Marvel Universe?
A Spin-Off.
π π π
What is the name of Dr. Strangeβs cousin who canβt do magic?
Doctor Normal.
π π π
What is Spider-Manβs favorite day of the week?
Flyday.
π π π
What is Spider-Manβs favorite part of the joke?
The punch line!
π π π
What did people start calling Spider-man when he started to stop minding his own business and started interfering in others?
Nosy Parker.
π π π
What is Spider-Manβs favorite sport?
Fly fishing.
π π π
What do you call it when Spider-Man defeats Iron Man?
Tony Stuck.
π π π
What do you call Spider-Man when he quits The Daily Bugle and starts working as a valet?
Peter PARKER.
π π π
What do you call Spider-Man when he parks his car?
Peter PARKER.
π π π
What is Spider-Manβs favorite Disney movie?
Peter Pan.
π π π
What is Spider-Manβs favorite food?
French flies.
π π π
What is Spider-Manβs favorite road?
Peter parkway.
π π π
What is Spider-Manβs favorite online music app?
Spot-a-fly.
π π π
What do you get when you cross Spider-Man with a flatbread?
Pita Parker.
π π π
What is Spider-Manβs favorite exercise?
Spin class.
π π π
What would you call if Spider-Man starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs?
Peter Parkour.
π π π
What is Spider-Manβs favorite pastime?
Surfing the web.
π π π
What is Spider-Manβs favorite brand of rice?
Uncle Benβs.
π π π
What is the 7th pin in bowling called?
Mother-In-Law!
π π π
Whatβs a bowling ballβs favorite sweet?
Skittles!
π π π
What do you call a triumphant procession held by the bowling pins?
A perfect strike.
π π π
What did the bowling ball say to the other ball?
βDonβt stop me now; Iβm on a roll!β
π π π
What did the bowling ball say to the balling pins on being overused?
Go on a strike.
π π π
Whatβs the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?
Deer balls. Theyβre under a buck.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.
π π π
What did Neptune say to Pluto when they fought?
Comet me, bro.
π π π
What did the planets drink when they wanted to bulk up?
Milky Whey.
π π π
What is Planet Earthβs favorite dance move?
The moonwalk.
π π π
What did Mars say to Earth?
Get out of my space!
π π π
What is a planetβs favorite gum?
Orbit.
π π π
Whatβs the best way to organize a space party?
Planet early!
π π π
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Get a life!
π π π
What do you call a blood-sucking arachnid on the moon?
A lunar tick.
π π π
What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?
A blood moon!
π π π
What is Draculaβs favorite type of moon phase?
A Blood moon.
π π π
What do you call a clock on the Harvest Moon?
A lunartick.
π π π
What do you wear to the September full moon?
A har-VEST.
π π π
What do you call a snowman in summer?
A puddle.
π π π
Whatβs the best way to watch a fishing tournament?
By live stream.
π π π
What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?
A watermelon.
π π π
What do snowmen do in summer?
Chillout.
π π π
What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?
Reapply.
π π π
What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?
A barberqueue!
π π π
What do you get if you cross a martian with a golf score?
A little green bogey.
π π π
What do you call a spaceship with a faulty air conditioning unit?
A frying saucer!
π π π
What do you call an alien that lives in a bog?
A marsh-in!
π π π
What do you get when you cross an alien and something white and fluffy?
A martian-mallow!
π π π
What do aliens on the metric system say?
Take me to your liter.
π π π
What did the alien say when he was out of the room?
Iβm all spaced out!
π π π
What do you give an alien?
Some space!
π π π
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien!
π π π
What did the alien say to the flower bed?
Take me to your weeder!
π π π
What do you call alien eggs?
Eggstra-terrestrials!
π π π
Whatβs an alienβs favorite treat?
Martian-mallows!
π π π
Whatβs an alienβs favorite chocolate bar?
A mars bar!
π π π
What do aliens like to read?
Comet books!
π π π
What do aliens like to eat?
Unidentified frying objects!
π π π
What did the alien think of the anti-gravity book?
He couldnβt put it down!
π π π
What did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?
βWhich craft?β
π π π
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.
π π π
What do aliens call an American who couldnβt cross the road?
A flat Earther.
π π π
What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?
I come in pieces.
π π π
What do aliens spread on their toast?
Space jam.
π π π
What do you call an alien with no eyes?
Alen.
π π π
What did the alien paramedic say when he first arrived on Earth?
βTake me to your bleeder.β
π π π
What do you get when you cross a red racing car, nuts, and chocolate?
A Ferrari Rocher!
π π π
What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate?
Coco pebbles.
π π π
What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?
Weβve got a rocky road ahead of us...
π π π
What do neckbeards like on their hotdogs?
Mβstard.
π π π
What do neckbeards put on their pancakes?
Mβlasses.
π π π
What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint?
McLady.
π π π
What do you get when you shave off a neckbeardβs neckbeard?
Mβstache.
π π π
What did the hipster tell his chef friend with a beard?
βYou ought to shavour every bite!β
π π π
What did the fancy bearded goat order at the cafΓ©?
A goa-tea.
π π π
What did the balding guy and teenager growing a beard have in common?
For them, every hair counts!
π π π
What did the man say before shaving off his beard?
βHair goes nothing!β
π π π
What did the beard say after growing back on the manβs face?
βIβve been hair before!β
π π π
What did the barber say to the man after shaving his beard?
βAll good things must comb to an end.β
π π π
What did the man with a beard call his pottery shop?
Hairy Potter.
π π π
What do you call a goat with a beard?
A goatee.
π π π
What did officials say after budget cuts forced them to cancel the last few moon missions?
We APOLLO-gize!
π π π
What do you get when you take a green cheese on the moon and divide its circumference by its diameter?
Moon pi.
π π π
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
π π π
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon?
A lunatic.
π π π
What do you use to hold things on the moon?
Crate-rs.
π π π
What do you call a crazy moon?
Lunacy.
π π π
What do you call a lazy man in space?
A procrastronaut.
π π π
What did the Moon say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime!
π π π
Whatβs closer, France or the Moon?
The Moon, obviously! You canβt see France from here!
π π π
What do you call a rampaging cow under the full moon?
Udder lunacy.
π π π
What did the therapist say to the moon?
Donβt worry, youβre just going through a phase.
π π π
What did the moon say to the sun?
βHello, Sun.β
What did the sun say to the moon?
βDad?β
π π π
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
π π π
What is the moonβs favorite cartoon?
Lunar-toons.
π π π
Whatβs the best drink they make in space?
Le-moon-ade!
π π π
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunar-tick!
π π π
What is the moonβs favorite type of cheese?
Moon-zerella cheese!
π π π
What is the moonβs favorite type of music?
Rocket and roll!
π π π
What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honey-earth!
π π π
What did the grouchy moon say?
Just get outer my space!
π π π
What did the French Fry say to the Hamburger?
I guess thatβs a wrap!
π π π
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
π π π
What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios?
βWow! Donut seeds!β
π π π
What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?
βIf I had as much dough as you, I wouldnβt be hanging around this hole.β
π π π
What did the taco say to the depressed donut?
Taco: βWant to taco bout it?β
Donut: βI donut know what to say.β
π π π
Whatβs under the Pillsbury Doughboyβs apron?
Donuts.
π π π
What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?
Eat donuts.
π π π
What did the sign on the bakerβs door read when she wanted to be alone?
Donut disturb.
π π π
What would you call a cute and sassy donut?
Glazing adoughrable.
π π π
What did the sad man say to the man at the dessert counter?
Donut kill my vibe!
π π π
What did you tell the shopkeeper at the grocery store?
Donut mind me, I am here for the hole food.
π π π
What did the basketball player who loved donuts say after the match?
Letβs go to Dunkinβ Donuts for the hole food protein!
π π π
What did the doughy wife say to the donut husband?
βDonut talk to me!β
π π π
Whatβs a donutβs favorite lullaby?
βSprinkle, Sprinkle Little Starβ.
π π π
What is the only thing that can cure a sick donut?
An antidought!
π π π
Whatβs the National Donut Day theme song?
βDonut Stop Believingβ.
π π π
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
βDonut hole me back!β
π π π
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut.
π π π
What do you call a cute donut?
Adoughrable.
π π π
Whatβs a donutβs favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
π π π
What do you call an underwater Dunkenβ Donuts?
Sunken Donuts.
π π π
What did the donuts do on their date?
They glazed into each otherβs eyes.
π π π
What do you call a kilogram of donuts?
Property of obesity.
π π π
What is every policemanβs favorite charity fundraiser?
Dollars to Donuts.
π π π
What do cops call it when theyβre called out to the local donut bakery?
Bread Alert!
π π π
What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?
Jail-y Donuts.
π π π
What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?
A Mute-ation.
π π π
What do you call a sausage whoβs been sunbathing all day?
Done!
π π π
What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?
Basqueing.
π π π
What is another fancy name for a sun fart?
A solar flare.
π π π
What do you call a female horse that refuses to work while the sun is up?
A Nightmare!
π π π
What do love and fatty foods have in common?
They both go straight for your heart!
π π π
What did the serial killer give his lover for Valentineβs day?
His heart! (Well, not his.)
π π π
What did the electric socket say to their spouse?
βI love you a watt!β
π π π
What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
βI love you with all my art!β
π π π
What did the butcher say to his girlfriend on their first date?
βNice to meat you.β
π π π
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
π π π
What is a monsterβs favorite part of a birthday celebration?
I scream.
π π π
What did the snowman say to the birthday girl?
Have an ice day!
π π π
What did the birthday cake say to the ice cream?
Youβre cool!
π π π
What did the ice cream say to the grumpy birthday cake?
Whatβs eating you?
π π π
What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
Ice cream.
π π π
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream?
Whatβs the scoop?
π π π
Whatβs the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?
Heaven ice day!
π π π
What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?
βSure, Bert.β
π π π
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody nose.
π π π
Whatβs the best thing about having a big nose?
Youβre the first to know when dinnerβs ready!
π π π
Whatβs the best thing about being an anteater?
Youβre born with a built-in straw!
π π π
Whatβs the best way to make a million dollars in horse racing?
Start with 2 million.
π π π
What do you call a picture of a mushroom with no arms, legs or head?
A stalk photo.
π π π
Whatβs the only room in your house you canβt go into?
A mushroom.
π π π
Whatβs the worldβs biggest mushroom competition?
The champignonβs league.
π π π
What did the mushroom say as he fell off a cliff?
βHelp! Iβm in truffle!β
π π π
What did the teacher say about the studentβs attempt at making pizza?
Thereβs so mush-room for improvement.
π π π
What do you call a mushroom that has nothing nice to say?
A shii-talkin mushroom.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between stormtroopers having a party and mushrooms being picked?
Oneβs bad guys having a fun time and the other oneβs fungi having a bad time!
π π π
What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
The ambulance.
π π π
What do you get when a giant steps on a house?
Mush-rooms.
π π π
What do you call a lady who enjoys mushrooms?
A fun-gal.
π π π
What did the fungi say when he was offered seconds at dinner?
βNo thanks. I donβt have mush-room left in my stomach.β
π π π
What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?
Fun-gi to be around!
π π π
Whatβs the difference between praying in church and at the track?
At the track you really mean it!
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What is green, white, and red all over?
An elf with a sunburn.
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What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?
Stop touching my buns!
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What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard because itβs the best thing for a hot dog.
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What do you call a pharmacist working at a veterinary drug company?
A FARM-ASSIST.
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What would you call the alarm clock, which always goes off at 2 am every day?
A ringing nightmare.
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What do you call it when an elf takes a photo of himself?
Nothing! Elves donβt exist!
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What is green and dangerous?
A thundering herd of pickles!
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Whatβs black and white and green in the middle?
Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.
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Whatβs the worst thing that can happen on a Friday?
When you realize itβs Thursday.
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What do you call people who were born on Friday the 13th?
By their names.
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Whatβs the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
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Whatβs green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
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What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A six-foot toothbrush.
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Whatβs brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
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Whatβs the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
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What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?
A rookie.
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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?
Smurf poop.
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What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?
βIβm sorry, Iβm too mature for you.β
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What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
Theyβre both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
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What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie.. or not to brie...
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Whatβs the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Start off with a big fortune!
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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people donβt?
Depreciation.
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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
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What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you donβt understand.
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Whatβs the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday!
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What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away!
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What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?
Keep trying until you get a reaction.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says βSpit your gum out!β and the train says βChew, chew!β
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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes!
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What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?
No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!
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What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
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What do you call a man who falls overboard and canβt swim?
Bob.
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What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lilly.
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What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?
Frank.
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What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?
Claude.
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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?
Phil.
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What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?
Eve.
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What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?
Lou.
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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
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What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?
Rob.
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What do you call London without electricity?
Londoff.
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What is the longest word in the English language?
βSmilesβ. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
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Whatβs the worst thing about having a big nose?
Birds are always perching on it!
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Whatβs worse than having a big nose?
Having a big nose and tiny hands!
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What do you do when you break your leg in two places?
Quit going to those two places!
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What did one flea say to the other?
βShall we walk or take the cat?β
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What is an alienβs favorite place on a computer?
The space bar.
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What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?
A Ford Siesta.
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Whatβs the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
π π π
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy bear.
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Whatβs the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
A tire.
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Whatβs the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
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What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
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What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
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What is the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moon-day!
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What do you call a witchβs garage?
A broom closet.
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Whatβs the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!
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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
π π π
