Enjoy our team's carefully selected Weather Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What do you call a dog in August?
A hot dog.
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Why do cats like August month?
Because it marks the end of the dog days of summer.
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Friend 1: “Hey, I once went out on a super hot date!”
Friend 2: “Oh, really?”
Friend 1: “Absolutely! It was the month of August and a whopping 100 degrees outside.”
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While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm.
I decided to cyclone.
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Two college students accidentally miss the math final exam.
The next day, they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam.
When they both showed up, he told one of them to wait outside while he tested the other. So one enters and the other puts his ear to the door to listen.
The professor begins asking the question, “You are riding in a train car and you get too hot. What do you do?”
The student replies, “I open the window.”
“OK. Now that window is 2 feet wide and 3 feet high. The train is traveling 50 mph going north and the wind is blowing at 15 mph due east. How long will it take for new air to replace the old air in the car?”
The student is clearly confused by this difficult question and just answers, “I don’t know.”
So the professor gives him an F, dismisses him, and calls in his friend.
He begins asking his friend, “You are riding in a train car and it gets too hot. What do you do?”
He says, “I will take my jacket off.” “OK. But it’s still too hot. What do you do?”
“I take my shirt off.”
“I understand but it’s very, very hot.”
“I will just get naked.”
“OK. But there are people in the car who will see you get naked.”
“With all respect, professor,” said the student, “I don’t care if my grandmother and my priest are there, there’s no way I’m opening that darn window!”
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What do you call rain on Turkey Day?
Fowl weather.
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants.
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I was feeling blue once, so I went outside to walk it off.
Instead, I got struck by blue lightning.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of weather?
Gas-tly winds.
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“How long has your unit been broken?” says the specialist.
“Two weeks,” says the customer.
“Why did you wait so long?” says the specialist. This hot weather is no joke.”
“My in-laws were here,” said the customer. “They wanted to stay for a month.”
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Wife said, “Looks like it’s going to be chilly again tonight.”
I said, “No, that’s nachos.”
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What do you do when you get locked outside your house in the cold weather?
You talk to the lock because communication is key.
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A blonde crashed a helicopter.
The police officer asked her what happened.
She says, “It got cold, so I turned off the fan.”
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It was so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
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Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, “Didn’t you like the muffs?”
The Foreman said, “They’re a thing of beauty.”
“Why don’t you wear them?” The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, “I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! Never again, never again!”
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My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.
“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”
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It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.
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It’s so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.
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It’s so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
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It’s so cold, you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
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It’s so cold, the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
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A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.
Then one day his father dies.
When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.
But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.
The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesn’t know any of the people’s traditional teachings.
So to be on the safe side, he says, “Yes. Better start gathering firewood.”
So they do.
Later that week, he decides to call up the National Weather Service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.
They say, “Apparently, it’s going to be pretty cold this year.”
So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.
The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.
They say “Yes! Apparently, it’s going to be even colder than we previously thought.”
So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.
He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him it’s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.
The chief asks how they know that.
And the man tells him, “I have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!”
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It’s been raining for 3 days without stopping.
My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.
If the rain doesn’t stop tomorrow, I’ll have to let her in.
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What does Spider-man wear when it gets cold out?
A Peter Parka.
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When asked the temperature I enjoy giving it in Kelvin.
I’m losing my friends by degrees.
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It was so hot by the time I got home from buying eggs, I had twelve chicks in the bag.
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It is so hot that potatoes cook underground.
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It is so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
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It’s so hot that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog.
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It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
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It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
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It’s so hot that you can tell who has plastic surgery.
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It’s so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
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It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
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It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
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It’s so hot that firecrackers light themselves.
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It’s so hot that my clothes dried right after I took them out of the washing machine.
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It’s so hot that Satan went back to hell to cool down.
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It’s so hot that my popcorn seeds start popping.
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It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
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It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
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It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with pot holders.
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It’s so hot Siri asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water.
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It’s so hot in the Apple store because they have no Windows.
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It’s so hot my dream house in any house in Alaska.
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It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
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It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
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It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
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It’s so hot out that I baked lasagna in my mailbox.
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It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
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It’s so hot out that I walked through a car wash to remember what rain felt like.
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It’s so hot, that you could actually cook a full English breakfast on my forehead.
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It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
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It’s so hot, I went outside for a smoke and the cigarette lit itself.
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It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
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It’s so hot that all the bread in the store is toast.
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It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
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It’s so hot you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
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It’s so hot and humid outside, the air ironed the wrinkles out of my shirt.
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It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
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It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
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It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
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What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?
Reapply.
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A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said, “Why, my son, it is a “chechia”. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father, “It is very simple. This is a “djbellah”. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My “djbellah” protects the entire body.”
The son then asked, “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
“These are “babouches” my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These “babouches” keep us from burning our feet.”
“So tell me then,” added the boy.
“Yes, my son...”
“Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?
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The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.
That way you can keep your hands warm when you’re pushing it home in the winter!
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What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?
By the time she got home, it was toast!
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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. The appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
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Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun sweat.
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Your mama so hot when she visits Antarctica locals call it summertime.
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Your mama so hot scientists deemed her the leading cause of global warming.
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A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in a desert.
The brunette says, “I brought some water so we don’t get dehydrated.”
The redhead says, “I brought some suntan lotion so we don’t get sunburned.”
Then the blonde says, “I brought a car door.”
The other girls ask, “Why did you bring that?”
The blonde says, “So I can roll down the window if it gets hot.”
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Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun look like Antarctica.
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Yo mama is so fat that the National Weather Service names each of her farts.
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