Enjoy our team's carefully selected Toilet Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What’s a toilet on a Portuguese jetty called?
A porto potty.
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Why do so many people like to do word puzzles in the bathroom?
Because it’s the best place for a vowel movement.
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How is the solution to the toilet paper shortage the same as the solution to a crossword puzzle?
One square at a time.
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Wife: “Do men wipe after they pee?”
Aging husband: “Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…”
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Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
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Why was the toilet paper in detention?
It was unraveling all the time!
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What did one roll of toilet paper say to the other?
“I’m feeling wiped out!”
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
He wanted to get to the bottom.
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“Have you seen our toilet roll?” asked my wife.
“Don’t be silly,” I replied. “A toilet is a stationary object.”
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I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I’m paying for it.
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Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They’re always getting ripped off.
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How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don’t know, it’s never happened.
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Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
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You never really appreciate what you’ve got until it’s gone.
Toilet paper is a good example.
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It’s as cold as a brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska.
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Why did Spider-Man flush the toilet?
Because it was his duty!
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It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
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Your mama’s so short that she can run track around the toilet!
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Your mama’s so short that she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.
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After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
She’s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”. EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.
October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”.
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here”. One of the clerks passed out.
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What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?
Lou.
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Yo momma is so dumb she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
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