Enjoy our team's carefully selected Time Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What do you call a striker playing a June match?
A spring forward.
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What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch.
He decides what time it is.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ireland.”
“Ireland, who?”
“Ire land you in time-out, so be nice.”
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A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving night, planning to spend the holiday and meal together.
As the family gathers, the couple’s children are late to arrive, prompting the mother-in-law to complain aloud, “Ugh, your children, always late.”
Eventually, everyone arrives and sits down to eat. Despite the tension, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table, and no one has the strength to argue with her.
After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain again, “Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”
A few minutes later, the couple bring out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife. Everyone eats, and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says, “Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”
A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and narrowly missing her. Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself, “Ugh, this clock... always late.”
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Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme.
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What farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
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What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Where’s my watch?”
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What do you call a hip bone that’s late for surgery?
Hip-late.
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How does Uranus apologize for being late?
It blames it on its orbit.
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Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.
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An English teacher was getting late for school on Teachers’ Day.
Suddenly, a cop pulled him over and asked for papers.
He gladly gave him all of his students’ essays to grade and drove off.
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Why was the teacher late for school on Teachers’ Day?
She took the Rhombus.
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Why did the Puerto Rican keep looking at his watch at the party?
He was checking how late he was already going to be for the next one.
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How do llamas wake up in the morning?
They use allama clocks.
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I’ve got a meeting with the guy who invented the progress bar during the era of dial-up internet.
He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he’s stuck in traffic and he’s going to be here in 6 hours and 54 minutes.
Edit 2: He’s making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.
Edit 3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days.
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What time did Goofy have a dentist appointment?
Tooth Hurty.
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What time is it when you see a crocodile?
Time to run.
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Two kids are camping in their backyard, it’s gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.
“What time do you think it is?” One of them asks the other.
“Just make a ton of noise,” says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways.
After a few seconds of screaming a light turns on in another yard and a neighbour yells, “YOU CRAZY KIDS, IT’S 2 IN THE MORNING!!”
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How do chickens wake up on time?
Alarm clucks!
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Three gulag inmates are telling each other what they’re in for.
The first one says, “I was five minutes late for work, and they charged me with sabotage.”
The second says, “For me, it was just the opposite: I was five minutes early for work, and they charged me with espionage.”
The third one says, “I got to work right on time, and they charged me with harming the Soviet economy by acquiring a watch in a capitalist country.”
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When showing up on time is an actual miracle?
When everyone expects you to be late, and you roll up on time.
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Why did the girl sit on the clock?
She just wanted to be on time.
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What treat is never on time?
Choco-Late.
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What did the first egg tell the second egg when it didn’t make it on time?
Omelette.
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One company owner asks another, “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies, “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
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Why do retirees smile all the time?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
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I stopped by grandmother’s house and I’m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.
She’s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess I’ll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.
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Why don’t werewolves ever know the time?
Because they’re not whenwolves.
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Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
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The last twenty-five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.
For instance, I've lived through more Spider-Man re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.
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Why was Aunt May worried about Peter Parker?
He was spending too much time on the world wide web.
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An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn’t wearing his watch.
A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree.
The American approaches the Mexican and asks, “Excuse me, do you know what time is?”
The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, “4:30.”
The American asks, “How do you know that?”
The Mexican replies, “Well you get a handful of the donkey’s balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street.”
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Yo momma so stupid she thought parsec was a unit of time.
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How does an astronaut tell the time?
They just check their rocket watch.
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Yo mama so old not even the time stone could make her young.
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I love Valentine’s Day: the bottle of wine, the heart-shaped ice cream cake...
Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching YouTube videos.
Good times.
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The thing people overlook most of the time is their noses.
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Your nose was on time, but you must have been a few minutes late.
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What’s the difference between stormtroopers having a party and mushrooms being picked?
One’s bad guys having a fun time and the other one’s fungi having a bad time!
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It would have been a photo finish, but by the time my horse finished, it was too dark to take a picture.
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How do you know it’s time to retire?
It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!
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The worst part about being a giraffe...
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
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Your mama so stupid she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s very time-consuming.
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Your mama so hot when she visits Antarctica locals call it summertime.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
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