Enjoy our team's carefully selected Technology Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year’s Eve.
One was charged and the other was let off.
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A spider just crawled onto my keyboard.
Don’t worry it’s under ctrl.
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Pepito is writing a composition and asks his father, “Dad, how do you spell mobile phone?”
Father: “How it sounds.”
Pepito: “And if it is in vibrate mode?”
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While testing a newly installed computer, an army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer “Yes”.
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, “Yes, what?”
Instantly the machine replied, “Yes, sir!”
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What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?
A big mac.
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What do a lion and a computer have in common?
They both have mega bites.
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What do you call a PC made of legos?
Bricked.
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
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I changed my password to “incorrect”, so anytime I forget and enter the wrong thing, the computer tells me what it is.
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I named my hard drive Dat Ass, so once a month my computer asks if I want to back Dat Ass up.
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Can’t see an end. I have no control and I don’t think there’s an escape. I don’t even have a home anymore.
Think it’s time for a new keyboard.
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Me using the Siri App on my iPhone.
Me: “Siri, call my wife.”
Siri: “Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts.”
Me: “Samantha Gibbs is my wife.”
Siri: “I’ve added Samantha Gibbs as your wife.”
Me: “Call my wife.”
Siri: “Which wife?”
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Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.
Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn’t have a Flash player installed.
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Chuck Norris told his iPhone 2G it was a iPhone 4.
He can now multi task and use face time.
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Why is Apple offering a free case for all iPhone 6 buyers?
It doesn’t help with reception, but protects the iPhone when you throw it against the wall after dropping another call.
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Facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected.
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Why are PC gamers always sad?
Because they can’t console each other.
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I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app on my phone.
It sent an ambulance to my house.
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An engineering student designed a robot that would take his exams for him.
The other designed a robot that could cheat off the first robot.
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iPhone users, don’t bother sending the Meteor emoji to your Android friends.
It won’t have the same impact.
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I had to call an electrician out today after getting my finger stuck in the socket while trying to plug in my iPhone.
I can’t believe how much I was charged.
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What is software?
It’s the part of a computer you can’t hit.
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How many developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It’s a hardware problem.
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Today I asked my daughter for a phone book.
She said, “You’re such a boomer,” and handed me her phone.
So, now, the spiders are dead, my daughter’s phone is broken and she’s really mad at me.
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I asked Alexa what women want.
This thing has been talking for six hours.
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What does Alexa like to eat for breakfast?
Siri-al.
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I asked Alexa if she was considering running for President, but she said she was better suited for Speaker of the House.
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My wife asked me why I was whispering at home. I said, I was worried that Mark Zuckerberg was listening.
She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed. We all laughed...
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Wishing a happy women’s day to Siri and Alexa...
The only two women who listen to men and do as they say!
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I can’t wait to get my new Alexa. She’s going to do everything for me!
She’s due in 9 months!
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People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs.
That’s nonsense—what about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?
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Millennial superstitions:
If your phone drops in the toilet bowl, you will have seven years of frustrating eyebrows.
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My grandpa told me, “You Millennials are too dependent on technology.”
So I plugged out his life support.
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Why did Gen Z’er bring a ladder to the concert?
They wanted to get a better view of the band on their smartphones.
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My boss calls me “Computer”, but it has nothing to do with my intelligence.
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
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A jobless man applied for the position of Office Boy at a very big company.
The employer interviewed him, then a test “Clean the Floor”.
“You are hired,” the employer said. “Give me your email address, and I’ll send you the application to fill out, as well as when you will start.”
The man replied, “I don’t have a computer or an email.”
“I’m sorry,” said the employer, “if you don’t have an email that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.”
The man left with no hope. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 USD in his pocket.
He then decided to go to the supermarket, bought a 10 kg tomato crate, then sold the tomatoes door to door. In less than two hours, he succeeded and doubled his capital.
He repeated the operation 3 times and returned home with $60 USD. The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go every day earlier, and returned late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his fleet of delivery vehicles.
Five years later, the man’s company was one of the biggest food retailers. He started to plan his family’s future and decided to have life insurance.
He called an insurance broker and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email.
The man replied, “I don’t have an email.”
The broker replied curiously, “You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?”
The man paused for a while and replied, “An office boy!”
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Santa calls the Help Desk to complain to a computer problem.
Santa: “When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. What’s the problem?”
Help Desk: “Dear Santa, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person is standing behind, he can’t read your password.”
Santa: “Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me!”
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Why do Stormtroopers only have iPhones?
Because they couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.
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How does a robot eat its guacamole?
With micro-chips.
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How do you make a baby computer cry?
Delete his cookies!
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Which part of a computer is Spider-Man’s favorite?
The web cam.
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Why do the Avengers keep calling Spider-Man over to fix their computer?
Because they heard he’s a web developer.
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Why do wolves howl at the moon?
Cause they don’t know how to use cell phones.
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driver—a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tie—poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, “Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, “Sure.”
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“Impressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, “You’re on.”
“You are an auditor,” said the shepherd without hesitation.
“That’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. “However did you guess?”
“It wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. “You show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!”
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Why did the robot go on vacation?
He needed to recharge his batteries.
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I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
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Guess what the name of my new computer processor is?
Chip.
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WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT!
IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER.
THE POLICE
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I was on a Zoom meeting just now and my husband needed to go behind me, so he thoughtfully crawled to stay out of the camera, which means instead of seeing him walk by in his pajamas, my coworkers saw him crawl by in his pajamas.
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WFH day 3:
Was in a 15-person online meeting, thought I was muted, farted really loudly... Shit!
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During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background.
So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.
Turns out he was asking what’s behind me on our Zoom call.
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I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but the client was having technical issues.
The client texted and said, “Please bare with me.”
Thought it was an odd request, but he’s the client.
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Zoom meetings is a stupid name, and it’s branded.
We should call it a bit more casual like “coworker video chat” or something shorter, like “co-vid”.
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Today’s working from home tip:
Blowing on the wine in the mug will help convince your Zoom meeting that your tea is hot.
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I’m getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls.
Now I’m making ends meet by making meets end!
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I put my pants on the same way as everybody else.
Not at all because Zoom calls only see the top of the body.
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Turning off your Zoom camera is like getting food from a buffet at a party.
You want to do it, but you don’t want to be the first, and you definitely don’t want to be the only one.
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Working from home is tough.
I have to coordinate a desktop, a laptop and a handheld.
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My wife has a Zoom call for work, which means the dog and I have to stay in the bedroom since we don’t know how to behave on Zoom calls.
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My boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and can’t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting.
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Is it just me or do we all play Solitaire when that very important meeting is going on?
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Virtual background on Zoom?
But, we need virtual outfits!
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I missed my Skype work meeting today.
It’s funny how I’m not even remotely sorry!
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Zoom.”
“Zoom, who?”
“Zoom did you expect.”
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I propose a new rule:
meetings can not last longer than my laptop battery or my bladder.
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What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?
A Mute-ation.
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No one turns on their camera in Zoom.
They have been infected by Novid-19.
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Remote working has worked out well for IT professionals.
It was a hard drive to the office anyway!
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I was just on a Zoom call that ended automatically after 40 minutes because the organizer was on a free tier.
This is the single greatest advance to meeting productivity that I’ve ever seen.
Would pay extra for this feature!
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I told a joke over a Zoom meeting...
...it wasn’t even remotely funny.
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If you’re working on a desktop or laptop, make sure to put on a mask.
You wouldn’t want to catch one of those computer viruses.
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Yo mama so stupid she put her phone in airplane mode and thought she could fly.
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Why doesn’t the word “mushroom” make a good computer password?
It’s not stroganoff.
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When my boss asked me why I showed up late for our Zoom meeting, I told him that he wouldn’t believe the network traffic.
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Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.
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A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, “Your money or your life!”
The student keeps walking and says, “Sorry mate, I’m a computer science student. I don’t have either.”
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“Mum, I just won this phone in a race!”
“Who was in the race?”
“The owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”
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I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.
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What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?
The space bar.
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Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn't you get my E-mail?”
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Why do cats hate laptops?
They don’t have a mouse.
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