Enjoy our team's carefully selected Space Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What’s the definition of Specimen?
An Italian astronaut.
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Person 1: “Hey! I see a UFO up there in the sky take a picture now!”
Person 2: “Wait, I have to get the worst camera I have.”
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Aliens: “We’ve come to destroy the Earth.”
Greta: “It’s a bit late, right?”
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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
To find Pluto.
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An astronaut stepped in gum on the moon.
He’s stuck in orbit.
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You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
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August 20, 2020:
Scientists have discovered a “mystery object” in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.
March 1, 2021 (Update):
Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.
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If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?
Fleas.
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One alien says to another, “The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”
The second alien replies, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”
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Why do aliens not eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
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“I wanna be the sun of your life!”
“Then stay at 1 000 000 km of me!”
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Three astronauts are sitting at a table: one from the US, one from Russia and one from Poland.
The US astronaut says, “We’re going to Mars.”
The Russian says, “We made it to the moon.”
The Pole says, “We’re going to the sun.”
The other two astronauts say, “You can’t land on the sun, you’ll burn. There’s nothing to land on.”
The polish guy says, “Don’t tell anyone, but we’re going at night!”
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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon.
“Well,” he said, “it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn’t decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it.”
“And he won?” I said.
“Well, no,” he mumbled. “The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The twat.”
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The Earth and the Moon were talking.
Earth: “Moon, how are you?”
Moon: ...
Earth: “Moon! Are you okay??”
Moon: “What? Sorry I was miles away.”
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Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking.
One blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde turns and says, “Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?”
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A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.
One day, a spaceship with “UFO” written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.
The blonde’s boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
“Do you know what “UFO” stands for?” He asks.
“Of course.” She replies, “Unleaded Fuel Only.”
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I told my wife I’d never leave her unless aliens came to take me.
It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.
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An alien drops by the White House and exclaims, “Take me to your leader.”
The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.
“Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!” calls a Senator.
“You are right,” responds the alien.
“See you on Thursday!”
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After hundreds of years of speculation, aliens have finally contacted Earth.
They prepare a simultaneous broadcast to all humans to give us their message:
“Hello, people of Earth! We have been trying to reach you about your planet’s extended warranty.”
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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.
“Human creature,” the alien bellows, “we last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”
The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, “Well, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”
“That is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”
“Oh, nowadays we use two sticks.”
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An alien lands today, Nov. 4, 2020.
Alien: “Take me to your leader.”
Me: “You’re going to have to wait 10-12 business days for us to sort that out.”
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Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?
He was caught taking asteroids.
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What’s the difference between science and religion?
Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.
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What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.
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What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?
E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.
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A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.
“Father, father look,” the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. “The Americans have gone to the moon.”
The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, “All of them?”
“No, just 3,” replies the kid.
“Damn it!” The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?
Rename Uranus to Ouranus.
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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?
An Apocaclipse.
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.
She asks him: “Little Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?”
He: “Like the moon.”
The teacher: “That’s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful”.
Little Johnny: “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”
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Why do wolves howl at the moon?
Cause they don’t know how to use cell phones.
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What was the name of the first satellite to orbit the Earth?
The moon.
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Why did the cow jump over the Harvest Moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands!
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Why did the moon burp?
Because it was full!
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Why is the moon so hungry?
Because it’s only full once a month!
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Son: “Hey dad, can you guess what is worse than no moon?”
Dad: “No sun?”
Son: “You don’t even want to take a guess?”
Dad: “No sun!”
Son: “You’re so stubborn, the answer is no sun.”
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What did the moon say to the sun?
“Hello, Sun.”
What did the sun say to the moon?
“Dad?”
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Why couldn’t the moon finish its dinner?
It was a full moon!
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How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day?
92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
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What is another fancy name for a sun fart?
A solar flare.
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Why is the sun such an egomaniac?
He believes that everything revolves around him.
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Son: “Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: “No sun.”
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Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?
Because it has got less calories.
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Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
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I have never seen a UFO before.
Because I’m always able to correctly identify the flying object.
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I promised my new girlfriend the sun, the moon and the stars...
So, I took her to the planetarium.
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Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours.
They decided to call it a day.
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The moon landing is obviously fake.
Like come on, the moon is still up there. It never landed.
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My physicist girlfriend told me that she loves me to the moon and back.
I’m worried she means displacement, not distance.
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On the moon they love a fancy breakfast, today they are having crescents!
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Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
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The moon is a man because if it were a woman...
...we would have blood moons once a month.
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I don’t know why people expect to find aliens in Area 51.
Trump would have deported them by now!
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Are aliens from invasion movies actually British?
Because all they do is colonize.
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Mooning is very ASStrological.
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I’ll never forget this solar eclipse, it’ll forever be seared into my mind...
...and retinas. I really should’ve worn some glasses.
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Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system.
Uranus is between them.
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Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god?
Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.
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Being vegan is so easy that I literally just stare at the sun and I’m satisfied.
Thanks, photosynthesis.
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Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun sweat.
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Earth is the third planet from the sun.
By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.
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We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons.
If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.
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Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun look like Antarctica.
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Why are astronauts difficult to talk to?
Because they are not down to earth.
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What is an astronaut’s favorite chocolate?
A Mars bar.
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Why did the astronaut grow a beard in space?
He wanted spacial hair.
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Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect.
I saw him speak a while ago and he said, “I’m the second guy to walk on the moon...”
“Neil before me.”
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How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
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Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
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What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut.
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Why couldn’t the astronaut book a room on the moon?
Because it was full!
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What do you call a lazy man in space?
A procrastronaut.
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The astronauts were pretty upset there was no Wi-Fi on the moon, they wanted to update their spacebook status!
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It’s hard to have a serious conversation with an astronaut, you would think they would understand the gravity of the situation!
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How does an astronaut tell the time?
They just check their rocket watch.
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How do astronauts eat their ice creams?
In floats.
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What dance do all astronauts know?
The moonwalk.
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Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
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What does Michael Jackson have in common with NASA?
It’s been decades since their first moonwalk.
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NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts.
“Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon.”
“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”
“Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red.”
“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”
“Houston, we have a problem. Half of the moon is painted red and they continue.”
“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”
“Houston, we have a problem. Whole moon is now red.”
“Now is our time! Open compartment 3B/C, it contains white paint. And start painting: Coca-Cola.”
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NASA has finally announced what would have happened to the earth if the moon wasn’t present.
50% less poems and love songs.
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I wonder how NASA felt after Apollo 11’s success.
I bet they were over the moon.
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An Irishman walks into NASA and asks:
“Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon?”
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You know, if the moon landing was faked, NASA owes us a huge Apollo-gy!
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Yo mama so fat NASA thought she was a planet.
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I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take.
Don’t get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I known it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.
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NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...
They found it to be a poophole.
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An Alien visited the Solar system and ate Jupiter.
When asked how it was the Alien replied simply:
“Gastronomical.”
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Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon.
But they wouldn’t let us land because the moon was full.
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I was going to the moon on vacation and I read it gets to -280 degrees at night.
I might need a space heater.
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The reason that no one has returned to the moon for so long is that every time someone tries to book a hotel there, it’s full...
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Why don’t people like going to the moon?
It has no atmosphere.
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I’d move to the moon, but the cost of living is astronomical.
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I’m not really enjoying this space flight, I’d like to speak to the moon-agement!
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Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews... only 1 star.
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Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.
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Why did all the planets give the most attention to the sun?
Because the sun is the center of the universe.
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Why did Pluto have to go to the dentist?
Because he spotted some black holes.
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What did the planets drink when they wanted to bulk up?
Milky Whey.
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Why is everyone on Mars considered a communist?
Because they live on the red planet.
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Why do people on Earth like the way the planet rotates?
Because it makes their day.
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What is Planet Earth’s favorite dance move?
The moonwalk.
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What did Earth say to the other planets?
Get a life!
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Why shouldn’t you go to a party on Mars?
There’s no atmosphere!
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Why is Mercury the cleverest planet?
Because it has the most degrees!
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Did you hear about the happy asteroid?
It was over the moon!
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Why is the moon so grumpy?
It’s just going through one of its phases.
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How do you know there’s no hair on the moon?
The moon waxes 14 times a month!
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What is Dracula’s favorite type of moon phase?
A Blood moon.
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What do you get if you cross a martian with a golf score?
A little green bogey.
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What do you get if you cross an ex-Popstar with an extra-terrestrial?
Kym Martian.
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Why were there only 18 letters in the alphabet?
Because E.T. flew off in a UFO, and the CIA chased after him!
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What did the alien say when he was out of the room?
I’m all spaced out!
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Why did the alien throw beef on the asteroid?
He wanted it a little meteor!
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Why do aliens always spill their tea?
Because they have flying saucers!
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Why did the alien think the spaceship was so good?
It was out of this world!
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What did the alien think of the anti-gravity book?
He couldn’t put it down!
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What’s the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?
It is possible that UFOs exist.
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Men in black.
After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord.
He decided to seek help from his younger self.
Why did he travel to sixty years ago?
K, 9.
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What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?
Aria 51.
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What do aliens call an American who couldn’t cross the road?
A flat Earther.
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What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?
I come in pieces.
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What do you call an alien with no eyes?
Alen.
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Why do we call the aliens creating the pyramids a conspiracy theory?
It’s obviously a pyramid scheme.
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What did the dad say to his son when he became afraid of the full moon?
“Don’t worry! It’s just a phase it’s going through!”
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What do you get when you take a green cheese on the moon and divide its circumference by its diameter?
Moon pi.
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What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
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What do you call a person really crazy about the moon?
A lunatic.
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How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
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Why didn’t the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
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Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
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How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
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What do you call a crazy moon?
Lunacy.
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What did the Moon say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime!
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How does the moon do his nails?
Eclipse them.
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Why doesn’t the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
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Why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it’s a gray area.
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Why were there bones on the moon?
Because the cow didn’t make it.
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What did the therapist say to the moon?
Don’t worry, you’re just going through a phase.
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How do you know when the moon is going broke?
When it’s down to its last quarter.
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What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
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The sun and moon walked into a coffee shop.
Sun: “Oh man, I forgot my wallet!”
Moon: “Don’t worry, I’ll cover you.”
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What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honey-earth!
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Why is the sun such a famous celeb?
Because he is literally a shining star, as everyone knows.
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Why is the sun not very heavy to carry?
Because it is really very light.
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Why did the sun feel so dizzy?
Because he felt light-headed.
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What does nitrogen become when the sun comes up?
Daytrogen.
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Why does nobody trust the man on the moon?
He has a dark side.
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Why did Ms. Moon split up with Mr. Sun?
He never wanted to go out with her at night.
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What did Neptune say to Pluto when they fought?
Comet me, bro.
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How do planets pay each other?
With star bucks.
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Where do all planets go for their higher education?
To the universe-ity.
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One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night.
It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon.
Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted by the noises of the deceased chickens.
We had a poultrygeist.
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What squirms and howls at the Harvest Moon?
Wereworms.
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What do you wear to the September full moon?
A har-VEST.
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What do you call a spaceship with a faulty air conditioning unit?
A frying saucer!
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What do you call an alien that lives in a bog?
A marsh-in!
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What do you get when you cross an alien and something white and fluffy?
A martian-mallow!
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What do you call alien eggs?
Eggstra-terrestrials!
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What’s an alien’s favorite treat?
Martian-mallows!
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What kind of songs do aliens listen to?
Neptunes!
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What do aliens like to read?
Comet books!
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How do aliens pay for coffee?
They use star bucks!
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What do aliens like to eat?
Unidentified frying objects!
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What did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?
“Which craft?”
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In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place?
Extra terrestrials.
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What did the space alien tell Franz Schubert?
“Take me to your Lieder!”
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How do redneck aliens abduct people?
Tractor beam.
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How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
You rocket!
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What did the alien paramedic say when he first arrived on Earth?
“Take me to your bleeder.”
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What did officials say after budget cuts forced them to cancel the last few moon missions?
We APOLLO-gize!
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What do you use to hold things on the moon?
Crate-rs.
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Did you know, some fleas spend their lives jumping for the moon?
Lunar-tics.
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What do you call a rampaging cow under the full moon?
Udder lunacy.
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What is the moon’s favorite cartoon?
Lunar-toons.
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What’s the best drink they make in space?
Le-moon-ade!
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What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunar-tick!
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What is the moon’s favorite type of cheese?
Moon-zerella cheese!
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Why did the moon get a parking ticket?
They forgot to pay the parking meteor!
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What holds the moon up?
Moon beams!
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What is the moon’s favorite type of music?
Rocket and roll!
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How do you organize a party for the moon?
You just planet!
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I wonder what the moon’s favorite bagel is?
Probably cinna-moon raisin.
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What board game do they love to play in space?
Moon-opoly!
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If they used money in space, guess what it would be called?
Starbucks!
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What’s a vegan’s favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?
En-salad-us.
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What will reading sun jokes under the sun make you?
Well red.
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What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?
Basqueing.
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Which Marvel supervillain loves being under the sun?
Tan-os.
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What would the sun say if he had a wife?
You are my sol-mate.
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What does the sun drink out of?
Sun-glasses.
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What insect comes from the moon?
A luna tick!
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I told my friends I was a blood-sucking insect from the moon.
They said I was a luna tick.
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Did you hear they found a pushpin on the largest moon of Saturn?
That’s right.
A tac on Titan.
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The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidentally been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot.
They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered...
Neil before Zod.
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I’m currently obsessed with the Moon.
Although I think it’s just a phase.
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Did you hear about the alien who flew a spaceship from Neptune to Uranus in just 3 minutes and 21 seconds?
He’s listed in the Guinness Book Of Out-Of-This-World Records.
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An astronaut and an alien walk into a bar...
S p a c e b a r.
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Yesterday I was talking to an alien from space. Turns out they eat radioactive materials.
I ask it what its favorite meal was.
It told me:
“Fission chips.”
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A lot of people think Crop Circles are done by alien aircraft...
I think they’re done by Cereal Killers.
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I got abducted by aliens...
I was told to do my all chores, eat my veggies, take a shower and brush my teeth.
It was then I realized I was in the mother ship.
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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.
I guess there is life on Mars after all.
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When the cow jumped over the moon...
Never have the steaks been so high.
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My kids have recently been super obsessed with the moon and my wife is starting to get worried.
I told her not to worry, it’s only a phase.
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Did you know they found water on the moon?
But only when it’s waning.
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I suspect the moon wasn’t hungry last night.
It looked full.
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Went to a party on the moon once.
Didn’t really like it, no atmosphere.
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Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
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Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics!
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Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He’s over the moon!
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Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they’ll change it back.
It’s only a phase, after all.
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The moon gets a little more chilly in September, time to put on its harvest!
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Did you see the moon this evening?
It’s absolutely blue-tiful!
😄 😄 😄
No need to Apollo-gize, I know you didn’t moon what you said!
😄 😄 😄
You know, you’re being a little moon-dy, I hope it’s just a phase!
😄 😄 😄
When the moon is being super grumpy, its parents turn to each other and say, “Gibbous strength!”
😄 😄 😄
I went to my first full moon party at the weekend, I have to say, it eclipsed my expectations!
😄 😄 😄
I wonder if the moon prefers coffee or gravi-tea?
😄 😄 😄
The moon is so cheeky, it’s always playing lunar-tricks.
😄 😄 😄
The moon has been talking for a long time now, I think it’s just moon-ologging at this point!
😄 😄 😄
I don’t mean to sound o-moon-ous, but that meteor looks awfully big!
😄 😄 😄
Those who study the moon are real optimists, they tend to look at the bright side.
😄 😄 😄
Our cardboard spaceship will be great! Just use your i-moon-gination!
😄 😄 😄
Are you trying to moon-ipulate me?
😄 😄 😄
Ganymede left Jupiter and flew out of the solar system last week.
I saw it today in the orbituaries.
😄 😄 😄
There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you.
Second place is just a constellation prize.
😄 😄 😄
I asked my German friend how many planets are in our Solar System.
Surprisingly he said, “Nine.”
😄 😄 😄
I think Saturn’s name is the best in our solar system.
It has a nice ring to it.
😄 😄 😄
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
😄 😄 😄
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
“Let’s have another round, shall we?”
😄 😄 😄
Warning!
Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You’ll strain your eyes.
😄 😄 😄
The moon asked the sun, “Buddy, when you are so hot, why are you single yet?”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
Which planet is the richest of them all?
Saturn, because it has many rings.
😄 😄 😄
What is a planet’s favorite gum?
Orbit.
😄 😄 😄
Why is an alien like a collection of famous actors’ autographs?
They’ve both come from the stars.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien!
😄 😄 😄
What’s an alien’s favorite chocolate bar?
A mars bar!
😄 😄 😄
What do aliens spread on their toast?
Space jam.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the moon eat anymore?
It was a full moon.
😄 😄 😄
What was the first animal in space?
The cow that jumped over the moon!
😄 😄 😄
What’s closer, France or the Moon?
The Moon, obviously! You can’t see France from here!
😄 😄 😄
Which way did the cow jump over the moon?
The Milky Way!
😄 😄 😄
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it!
😄 😄 😄
How does the solar system keep its pants from falling down?
It uses an asteroid belt.
😄 😄 😄
What are the sun’s favorite chocolate bars?
A Milky Way.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the sun not go to college?
Because it already has a million degrees!
😄 😄 😄
How much is the moon worth?
One dollar, because it has four quarters.
😄 😄 😄
Which is older, the moon or the sun?
The moon, because it can stay out all night.
😄 😄 😄
What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?
The space bar.
😄 😄 😄
What is the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moon-day!
😄 😄 😄
What did Mars say to Earth?
Get out of my space!
😄 😄 😄
What do you give an alien?
Some space!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut break up with her boyfriend?
Because she needed some space.
😄 😄 😄
The moon seems to be going through another phase, should we get outer its space?
😄 😄 😄
What did the grouchy moon say?
Just get outer my space!
😄 😄 😄
If Trump was notified of an alien invasion.
“There’s an alien spacecraft but it’s not on course to earth.”
“Our specialists, they’re very special people, have concluded that this is just an alien spaceship making a simple flyby our solar system.”
“The alien ship is getting close to our American soil but there is nothing to worry about.”
“The aliens have landed off the coast of Florida but there is nothing to worry about, they’re just tourists.”
“Too many aliens are crossing our borders, we need to build a wall and make them pay for it and we WILL make them pay for it.”
“The aliens are eating our Americans, but don’t worry, they’ll eventually be stopped by our American armed forces in no time. You guys know a lot about aliens, right?”
“There are aliens outside of the white house but they’ll go away soon. We have riot police keeping everything under control.”
“The aliens have entered the white house, but don’t worry, we will negotiate something, and then everything will be back to normal.”
...
😄 😄 😄
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
The aliens are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub.
He sees a nearby alien and asks, “Where’s the pub?”
The alien gurgles back, but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, “Just around the corner.”
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it.
It’s labeled “The Keyboard” and he asks the bouncer, “Why is it called the Keyboard?”
The bouncer replies, “The boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he’s the bartender.”
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
“Excuse me, do you own this pub?” the astronaut says.
“I do,” the bartender gurgles back.
“Why is it called the Keyboard?” the man asks.
“Well,” the alien gurgles in reply, “since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name...”
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat.
“...The reason it’s called the Keyboard is because it’s a space bar.”
😄 😄 😄
Memo from Director-General to Manager:
Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes.
As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park.
Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information.
Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes.
For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director-General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director-General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse.
This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.
This will be safe if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director-General will eclipse the sun for two minutes.
This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director-General disappear.
It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.
😄 😄 😄
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
😄 😄 😄
A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview.
The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.
The first one asks, “Who do you think the best soccer player in the world is?”
The smart guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.
The second interviewer asks, “When did the phone come out?”
The smart guy replies, “The first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Do you believe in UFOs?”
The smart guy replies, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers, and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.
Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasn’t that bright so the first one asked, “Who is your father?”
The dumb guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.”
The second interview asks, “When were you born?”
He replied, “I came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Are you dumb?”
The dumb guy says, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
😄 😄 😄
I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...
The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so hairy when she auditioned for Planet of the Apes they made her pack leader.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat her belt is the equator.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat every time she took a step it caused an earthquake.
😄 😄 😄
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
😄 😄 😄
I’m chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I’m outside in the beautiful sunshine.
I guess I must be solar-powered?
😄 😄 😄
My kids are the sunshine of my life.
Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.
😄 😄 😄
Elon’s opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...
Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!
😄 😄 😄
I’ve invented a solar-powered still!
It turns sunshine into moonshine.
😄 😄 😄
Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But I’m not sure if I’ll keep them.
The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.
I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.
I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.
What luck! An ad for “Gorilla removal”.
I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.
5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.
At this point, I asked the guy, “Hey what’s the plan?”
He said, “Well, I’m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and you’ll never see that Gorilla again.”
To which I asked, “What’s the shotgun for?”
“Well, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
😄 😄 😄
I’ve finally saved up enough for solar panels.
What’s holding me back is that I can’t afford a house.
😄 😄 😄
Why are solar panels so trustworthy?
They don’t work in the shadows.
😄 😄 😄
Generating all of our power from solar energy...
... it’s not going to happen overnight!
😄 😄 😄
I don’t plan to put up solar panels...
But, if you do, more power to you.
😄 😄 😄
I own a solar powered food maker.
It’s an apple tree.
😄 😄 😄
CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!
I love the stuff. My only complaint is that it had a real e-lawn musk smell to it.
😄 😄 😄
What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?
U.V. Ray.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.
😄 😄 😄
When we go to the beach with the kids, we use a really strong sunblock.
It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
😄 😄 😄
How can Minecraft players avoid sunburn?
Sunblock.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?
Done!
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the snowman who got angry when the sun came out?
He had a total meltdown.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a female horse that refuses to work while the sun is up?
A Nightmare!
😄 😄 😄
Bread is like the Sun:
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
😄 😄 😄
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb she bought a solar-powered flashlight.
😄 😄 😄
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:
“Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”
😄 😄 😄
What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?
Turn into bacon.
😄 😄 😄
One Sunny afternoon, two blondes walk down the street.
One of them suddenly points at the sun and says: “Look! That’s the moon over there!”
The other one says: “No, that’s the sun!”
The first one: “No, it’s the moon!”
The other one, again: “No, it’s the sun!”
After arguing for a while, the “smart” one says: “Let’s go to that house over there and ask, what’s right!”
They go to the house and ring the doorbell. Another blonde opens the door.
The “smart” one asks: “Excuse us, can you tell us, whether it’s the sun or the moon in the sky?”
The blonde looks and says: “I wouldn’t know! I’ve only been living here for two weeks!”
😄 😄 😄
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth?
It’s meteor.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an extraterrestrial that speaks Portuguese?
A Brazalien.
😄 😄 😄
Aliens exist and they want to invade Earth, they are merely waiting for Chuck Norris to die so that they stand a chance.
😄 😄 😄
The universe expands because everything is trying to get as far away from Chuck Norris as possible.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris visited the sun and stayed for 2 nights.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris got into a staring contest with the sun today.
The sun blinked.
😄 😄 😄
What would you call an unidentified object which landed in Australia?
Australien.
😄 😄 😄
How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?
Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?
A gastrophysicist.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad little blue planet?
A gloom.
😄 😄 😄
How does Uranus stay clean?
It takes meteor showers.
😄 😄 😄
Why was Uranus sad at the solar system party?
It felt left out of the loop.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’s favorite game?
Twister, it’s always spinning!
😄 😄 😄
Ever heard of the planet party?
Uranus was the star, always the center of attraction.
😄 😄 😄
I met a comedian who specializes in Uranus jokes.
Suffice to say, their humor was out of this world.
😄 😄 😄
I asked Uranus if it knows any good planet jokes.
It replied, “Sorry, they’re just not my atmosphere.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the planet Uranus join a band?
It wanted to planet self in rhythm.
😄 😄 😄
Uranus’ puns are my favorite kind of humor.
They’re truly universal.
😄 😄 😄
I’m never afraid to make a Uranus pun.
They’re always out of this world.
😄 😄 😄
I’m not afraid to crack a joke about Uranus.
It’s a gas!
😄 😄 😄
What did Uranus say to its moon?
“You have the right to remain in orbit, anything you say will be taken out of context!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?
Space Opera.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Uranus get kicked out of the library?
It was talking too much gas-babble.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite hobby?
Planet-ting.
😄 😄 😄
What did the other planets say to Uranus when it was feeling sad?
“Cheer up, life’s just a gas!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did Uranus become a rock star?
Because it’s always surrounded by gas.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Uranus so good at baseball?
Because it has a great orbit!
😄 😄 😄
What did Uranus say to Earth?
“You’re always following me around. Give me some space!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did Uranus go on a diet?
Because it wanted to be a little lighter and have that celestial glow!
😄 😄 😄
Uranus has a real flair for fashion.
It always rocks the planet look!
😄 😄 😄
You’ll never hear Uranus complain.
Because it’s got a good atmosphere about it.
😄 😄 😄
My teacher told me I couldn’t make a joke about Uranus in class.
But hey, it’s my orbit!
😄 😄 😄
When Uranus threw a party, everyone was over the moon!
😄 😄 😄
I tried to tell a joke about Uranus.
But I couldn’t planet right.
😄 😄 😄
My favorite planet is Uranus because it’s just so well-rounded.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the comedy show on Uranus?
It was a real gas, but not everyone understood the humor.
😄 😄 😄
The planet Uranus is really good at keeping secrets.
After all, it has all those gas-tly atmospheres to hide things.
😄 😄 😄
I asked Uranus about its love life.
And it replied, “It’s complicated, I’m in a gas-tly relationship.”
😄 😄 😄
If Uranus was a comedian, it would always crack jokes with a little bit of gas.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the astronomy professor who was always talking about Uranus?
He was kind of a space case.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the planet Uranus?
It’s quite gas-sy.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?
Gas-tronomic swirl.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut bring a joke book to Uranus?
To break the space ice.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of bread?
Gas-tly sourdough.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the spaceship bring a snack to Uranus?
It wanted to have a gas-tro picnic.
😄 😄 😄
What did the comet say when it visited Uranus?
“This place is a gas!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of weather?
Gas-tly winds.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the meteor break up with Uranus?
It felt like it was crashing and burning.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut challenge Uranus to a staring contest?
It wanted to see who had the most gravity.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the alien bring a gift to Uranus?
It wanted to show its appreciation for the atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the asteroid start a podcast with Uranus?
They wanted to rock the airwaves.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of vehicle?
Gas-guzzler.
😄 😄 😄
How does Uranus apologize for being late?
It blames it on its orbit.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the moon break up with Uranus?
It wanted someone with a brighter personality.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite subject?
Gas-tronomy.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut bring a ladder to Uranus?
To reach for the stars.
😄 😄 😄
What did the comet say to Uranus?
“You’re out of this world!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut go to therapy with Uranus?
It had too many emotional craters.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Uranus always invited to parties?
It knows how to break the ice.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite accessory?
A gas mask.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of humor?
Dark matter jokes.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the alien invite Uranus to the party?
It knew Uranus would bring the atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite comedy movie?
Guardians of the Gas-laxy.
😄 😄 😄
How does Uranus apologize?
It says “I’m sorry, I need some space”.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite party trick?
Its gas giant dance moves.
😄 😄 😄
