Enjoy our team's carefully selected Sleeping Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being—an animal.”
Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past, “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, “RALPH, wake up! You crapped the bed!”
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What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
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Where do fish sleep in the summer?
On the seabed.
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How does an attorney sleep?
First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep.
He waits.
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I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning”.
If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
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911 operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: “Hi, I need to report a kidnapping. My son is taking a nap in my room right now.”
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I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
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A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.”
A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.”
A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.
The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.”
The other guy says, “Things are great, the bartender helped me.”
Psychiatrist, “The bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?”
The other guy says, “He told me to saw the legs off my bed.”
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What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
Mmmm, sandwiches!
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What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dinosnore.
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Guess what you call a sleeping piece of paper?
A napkin.
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I like working from home.
It’s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
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Why should you be quiet inside a pharmacy?
You might wake the sleeping pills.
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Coach: “Your roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!”
Football Player: “Coach, It is just not true!”
Coach: “What is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!”
Football player: “Coach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!”
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
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My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.
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Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, “Because people are sleeping!”
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What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
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