Enjoy our team's carefully selected Short Clean Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
The tree hated losing its foliage in September.
When it grew back in March, he was so re-lieved.
😄 😄 😄
What do trees do during September?
Turn over to a new leaf.
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What do you call a washing machine with a September?
An autumn-atic washer.
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What can you expect on September 15th which is National Camouflage Day?
Hope to not see anyone celebrating.
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What do you call a dog in August?
A hot dog.
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Why do cats like August month?
Because it marks the end of the dog days of summer.
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Who came after Augustus?
Septembrus.
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Why does August always get upset at the calendar?
Because it knows that summer is about to “fall” apart!
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What are a school teacher’s three favorite words?
June, July, and August.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“August.”
“August, who?”
“A gust of wind knocked me over!”
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July 1st is International Reggae Day.
This is the day I dread.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“July.”
“July, who?”
“July’d to me when you said you didn’t eat my ice cream!”
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How are rioters like school in July?
No class.
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What do gymnasts use to season their food in June, July, and August?
Somersault.
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What is Brian May’s son called?
Brian June.
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I’m sticking with my citrus diet until June.
Cumquat May.
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Someone told me today is June 1st.
But they May be wrong.
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What do you call it when someone says it’s June in July?
Ju-lie.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“June.”
“June, who?”
“June need to open the door!”
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Did you hear about the people who were sick in June from eating bacon past its use-by date?
It was mayhem.
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What did the calendar say to the wall clock when it became June 1st?
“I am dismayed!”
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What do you call someone who doesn’t believe it is June yet?
A May-sayer.
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What do you call a striker playing a June match?
A spring forward.
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What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
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Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
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What’s a hen’s favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
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Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
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What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
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Why are orange jokes so dumb?
Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
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I asked the hairdresser if she ever gave a henna rinse.
She said, “No, but I once gave a duck a bath.”
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What’s a hairdresser’s favorite Christmas song?
“Oh, comb all ye faithful...”
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Did you hear about the time Bob Marley went to the hairdressers?
He was dreading it.
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Why did the banana go to the hairdresser?
Because it had split ends.
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It was hot today and when I went outside I saw a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers.
I thought to myself, “Such a lovely day to have a barber queue.”
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What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdresser?
A middle parting.
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How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
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I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving.
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
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What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
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Where do lobsters go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
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Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset.
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How does a lobster answer the phone?
“Shello?”
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The lobster is one shell of an animal.
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What does a snail wear to go dancing?
Escargogo boots.
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What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
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What do you call a dancing ghost?
Polka-haunt-us.
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Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
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What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
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Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
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Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
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What is a wolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
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Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
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What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
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What do you call a werewolf for sale?
A warewolf.
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What do they call a group of werewolves?
We’rewolves.
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What did the mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
“Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!”
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If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
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Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
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How do you make a wolf laugh?
Give him a funny bone.
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What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
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What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
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What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
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What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
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A Wolfswagon Rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
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What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
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What are a prisoner’s favorite building materials?
Steal and cement.
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What do bees use to build roads?
Nec-tar.
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I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
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How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs?
He logged in.
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As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme.
They stopped building monuments immediately.
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How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
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What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
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What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?
Flanagan.
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What do you call an Irish reptile?
Croc O’Dile.
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What do you call three Irish lumberjacks?
Tree fellers.
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Did you hear that Johnny’s grandma is 80% Irish?
Her name is Iris.
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What do clams do on a summer vacation?
They shell-ebrate.
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What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the North Pole and his winters at the South?
A bi-polar bear.
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Who changes the season when Summer is over?
No one, it happens Autumnatically.
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What was the almond tree up to all summer?
Nuttin’.
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What is the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Their seasoning.
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Where do fish sleep in the summer?
On the seabed.
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When does a farmer dance?
When he drops the beet.
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What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
😄 😄 😄
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
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What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
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What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
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What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
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Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
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Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
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How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar?
They both use drills.
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Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game?
No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
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What’s a Christian’s favorite flower?
Jesus Rose.
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It was a dull day, but I saw a pink colored rose.
I look at the bright seed of things.
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The rose had to inform his mom about a mishap.
He said, “I hate to be the bearer of bud news.”
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Why was the florist afraid of roses?
Quite honestly, she didn’t know where the fear stemmed from.
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What did the florist say to the customer who was trying to bargain over the price of the rose bouquet?
“Take it or leaf it bud!”
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Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors.
It’s always the first to rose and shine.
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What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
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What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
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Why would Sherlock Holmes make a good social media marketer?
Because he’s good at stalking other people.
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Some local engineers took a train for a service.
But the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
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I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed.
He said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
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Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
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Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
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What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
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What kind of ears do trains have?
Engin-eers.
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What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
Toot-and-come-in.
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When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
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What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
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I was reading a story about dragons the other day It just seemed to drag-on and on.
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Why are dragons such good storytellers?
Because they have long tails.
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What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a dragon’s favorite snack?
Fire-crackers.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a group of lawyers?
A lawsuit of attorneys.
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What do you call a lawyer who sings?
An opera attorney.
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What do you call a lawyer who practices in the morning?
A dawning attorney.
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How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
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What do you call a bad electrician?
A shock absorber.
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What kind of car does an electrician drive?
A Volts-wagon.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the electrician marry his colleague?
He couldn’t resistor.
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Where do electricians get their supplies?
The Ohm Depot.
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What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
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Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
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What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?
Air conditioner.
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An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office.
I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said, “No, this is light.”
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Just had lunch at the Pelican Café.
The food was good but the bill was enormous!
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Why was the T-Rex Cafe always hiring?
No matter what, they always seemed a bit short handed.
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A guy walks into a café and orders a coffee to go.
The coffee gets up and leaves.
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When I went to my favorite Irish café after years...
I felt deja brew all over again.
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Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Café?
Chocolate Moose.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
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Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
Because it had appeal.
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What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
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Why did the cactus join the orchestra?
Because it could play the prickle-o.
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What did the little cacti say to the big cactus when they were running away?
“Cactus if you can!”
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What do you call it when a whole bunch of cacti fall over?
A cac-tas-trophy.
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What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
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I bought a boat because it was for sail.
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How does a tiger move a boat?
He uses roars.
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Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
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I’m going to host a boat race. The winner will get pasta.
It will be called the Penne Regatta.
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Do you know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
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What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
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I can row a boat.
Canoe?
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My Ph.D. thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii.
To understand it all, I had to visit the ancient mooins.
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Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
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I banged my bike against the wall today.
It was wheelie unfortunate.
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If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
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I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it.
I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore, which is understandable.
The bike was already retired.
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I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
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I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike, but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
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While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm.
I decided to cyclone.
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What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
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What is more exciting than baseball?
Acidball.
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Do you know where the Torah mentions baseball?
In the big inning.
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Who is the most non-acidic baseball player ever?
Al-Kaline.
😄 😄 😄
What are Pee Wee Herman’s favorite baseball teams?
The Expos and The Yankees.
😄 😄 😄
Person 1: “I like Eminem.”
Person 2: “Well, I prefer Skittles.”
Person 1: “No, I meant the rapper.”
Person 2: “Why would you eat the wrapper?”
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Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn’t handle the bars.
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The child was a typical four-year-old girl—cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
“Now do you understand?” he asked.
“I think so,” she said. “That was when Mommy came to work for us?”
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What do you call a fasting camel?
Hump-less.
😄 😄 😄
What does Muslim Sonic say when Ramadan begins?
“Gotta go fast!”
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How do you call a cow in Ramadan?
A Mooslim.
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What do you call the end of Ramadan?
Ramadusk.
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Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?
They fast during Ramadan.
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What do you call a Muslim crocodile?
An Allahgator.
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Which rapper is the most acceptable to Muslims?
Halal Cool J.
😄 😄 😄
Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
To the peach.
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What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist?
It is a great peach of work.
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Where do you store peach juice?
Inside of a peach-er.
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If you are wondering about a peach’s favorite game.
It’s peach ball.
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The peach couple is in love.
They seem to be born for peach other.
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Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave?
He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
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How is bacon like southern Europe?
It’s got a lot of Greece in it.
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Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
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What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?
Ancient Greece.
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What’s a sheep’s favorite holy text?
The Baa-ble.
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What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer?
A milk sheikh.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Patrick Star Arabic?
Because he lives under Iraq.
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Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic.
But it was a false salaam.
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How did the ghost get from New York to London?
British Scare-ways.
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How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
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What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
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What do you call a grape that’s always getting into trouble?
A mis-grape.
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Why did the grape go to school?
To become a little wine-y!
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What do you call a grape that can perform juggle?
A grape-fruit.
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What is fruity and burns?
The Grape Fire of London.
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Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service.
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There’s a hair in my wine.
The grapes must have been fur-mented.
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What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
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At a get-together, one fruit asked another, “I was wondering how you have been.”
The other replied, “Just peachy, isn’t that grape?”
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What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?
OLAY.
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I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
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I seek to promote the welfare of a certain baked dish.
I’m a flanthropist.
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I found a “Fresh Baked Bread” scented candle. I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread.
But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.
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How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?
It uses Heinz sight.
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What do you call a half-baked joke?
A pun in the oven.
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I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
They smell just like burned toast.
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My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year, and he still can’t say the word “please”.
Which I think is poor for four.
😄 😄 😄
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said, “Si.”
😄 😄 😄
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
Me ghosta.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
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How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
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Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a physician and a preschool teacher?
One has a job with patients, the other has the patience of job.
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Johnny was a preschool student who did not know grammar or math very well.
While in class, his teacher asked, “What’s 2+2?”
Johnny answered, “I four-get.”
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If lawyers learn at pre-law but doctors learn at pre-med, where do teachers learn?
Pre-school.
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A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That’s a lot of heritage to inherit.
They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.
A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish.
After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi O’Lee.
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What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
😄 😄 😄
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
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A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling.
It’s a gnocchia.
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Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
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At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
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Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand. Stop, drop, and roll.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
😄 😄 😄
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda.
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What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
😄 😄 😄
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth?
It’s meteor.
😄 😄 😄
Where do bowlers go when they need a new team shirt?
New Jersey.
😄 😄 😄
What excuse did the bowler give when he was accused of stealing?
“I was framed!”
😄 😄 😄
After hours of waiting for the bowling alley to open...
We finally got the ball rolling.
😄 😄 😄
Bowlers do not make good employees.
This is because 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
😄 😄 😄
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying “Employees must wash hands”.
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Portuguese person all by themself?
A Portugoose.
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A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port in France and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places.
“Oui, monsieur. What is the destination port for this load?”
“I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil.”
“Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal?”
“Why is that, sir?”
“If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese, of course!”
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What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
😄 😄 😄
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy.
So it’s italicized!
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the eyeglasses walk into the classroom quietly?
They didn’t want to make a spectacle.
😄 😄 😄
I had to give up my glasses after they started causing more drama than a pair of celebrity spectacles.
😄 😄 😄
I broke my glasses and couldn’t see anything.
But then I realized it was just a broken spectacle illusion.
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The glasses on the table were feeling neglected, so I gave them a spectacle of attention.
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I didn’t wear my glasses to the party because I wanted to make a spectacle of myself.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the glasses so expensive?
Because they were designer spectacles.
😄 😄 😄
My father quietly retired from his job as an eyeglass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “What are the seasons?”
Student: “Salt, pepper, ginger...”
😄 😄 😄
A Sunday school teacher decided to quiz her students about what they learned that year.
Sunday school teacher: “Okay class... who can tell me what are some different names used when talking about God?”
Little Johnny: “Hallowed!”
Sunday school teacher: “Hallowed? How did you get that as an answer?”
Little Johnny: “It’s in the Lord’s Prayer: Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name...”
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The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
😄 😄 😄
What did the apple teacher say to her student?
“Help me orange the chairs please!”
😄 😄 😄
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”
And the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
😄 😄 😄
A physics student asks his teacher, “Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?”
The teacher answers, “Let me see if I can pull some strings for you.”
😄 😄 😄
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it.
A student handed in his work with “The Magna Carta was signed in 1215” written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, “Why did you write this?”
The boy replied, “Because you always say that history repeats itself!”
😄 😄 😄
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren’t paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, “Don’t you understand the gravity of this situation!”
😄 😄 😄
When the student asked the history teacher what questions would be there for the history exam, she answered “The past”.
😄 😄 😄
The teacher asks Little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
“Yes,” he says, “my daddy taught me.”
“Can you tell me what comes after three?”
“Four,” answers Little Johnny.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven,” answers Little Johnny.
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?”
“A jack,” answers Little Johnny.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn’t getting any hits.
😄 😄 😄
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based on old Greek and Roman performances.
That’s playgarism if you ask me.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blood-sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic.
😄 😄 😄
If your wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it’s a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
😄 😄 😄
Why is corn so popular on Thanksgiving?
Because it’s a-maize-ing.
😄 😄 😄
What’s one thing that you’ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
You’ll both be filled with stuffing.
😄 😄 😄
What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
“Wing, wing.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call rain on Turkey Day?
Fowl weather.
😄 😄 😄
Where did the Pilgrims stand after landing on Plymouth Rock?
On their feet.
😄 😄 😄
I tried to post a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys.
But it was removed because of fowl language.
😄 😄 😄
My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How did Thanksgiving go at your place?” the bartender asks.
“Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking,” the guy says. “So I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
“Quack! Quack!”
😄 😄 😄
Millions of people celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday.
The indigenous people, however, have reservations.
😄 😄 😄
So this chicken walks up to a turkey and says, “Hey, turkey! I’ve always wondered something…”
Turkey’s like, “Yeah. What’s up?”
And so the chicken says, “That thing. You know, that flap of skin or whatever that’s hanging down over your beak. What do you call that thing?”
And the turkey crosses his eyes and looks down and says, “Beak? What beak?”
😄 😄 😄
What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Yammies.
😄 😄 😄
How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
He was very thinkful.
😄 😄 😄
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
😄 😄 😄
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
😄 😄 😄
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
Fangs-giving.
😄 😄 😄
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
😄 😄 😄
“Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner?”
“I yam what I yam.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot.
😄 😄 😄
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated?
Turkey.
😄 😄 😄
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
😄 😄 😄
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Thanksgiving?
Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.
😄 😄 😄
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G.
😄 😄 😄
What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?
24 Karat cakes.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of key is edible?
A turkey on Thanksgiving.
😄 😄 😄
Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, “If your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”
Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.
😄 😄 😄
A girlfriend said to his boyfriend, “We need a gravy boat because we’re hosting Thanksgiving this year.”
The boyfriend replied, “In that case, we should get some gravy life jackets too.”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the Thanksgiving feast expensive?
It had 24 carrots!
😄 😄 😄
Who’s going to the concert festival on Thanksgiving Day?
The bands will be Meatloaf, Korn, The Cranberries, and Smashing Pumpkins.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear that I won the Thanksgiving turkey cookoff?
You butterball-ieve it.
😄 😄 😄
When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In a dictionary.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a mathematician’s favorite part of Thanksgiving?
Pumpkin pi.
😄 😄 😄
What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?
“…This is the way.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you know that some say their favorite Thanksgiving food is pie?
It’s irrational.
😄 😄 😄
Remember the guy who used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers?
He had to quit cold turkey.
😄 😄 😄
What can never be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
😄 😄 😄
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great poet.
When asked to define “great”, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, no, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
😄 😄 😄
A poet writes in verse.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call bread baked by a poet?
Poet-rye.
😄 😄 😄
I’m a poet and I know it.
“I dug,
You dug,
He dug,
She dug,
We all dug!”
It’s not a great poem, but it’s deep.
😄 😄 😄
I went to see a beet poet the other day.
There were lots of hip peas there.
😄 😄 😄
Hey, I know you’re in love, but it’s time to break up with your bed and get out of there.
😄 😄 😄
I used to own a raven. It could speak English.
But the only word it could speak was “car”.
😄 😄 😄
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
😄 😄 😄
Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
😄 😄 😄
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
😄 😄 😄
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
😄 😄 😄
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
😄 😄 😄
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?”
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
😄 😄 😄
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
😄 😄 😄
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn’t use proper pun-ctuation.
😄 😄 😄
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
An itsy bitsy book.
😄 😄 😄
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn’t speak English.
😄 😄 😄
What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
“To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”
😄 😄 😄
What language do things that fly in the sky speak?
Plane English.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
😄 😄 😄
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables.
We stayed in a tea-pea.
😄 😄 😄
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve just started to read a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
😄 😄 😄
Why do eggs like April Fools’ Day?
They love practical yolks.
😄 😄 😄
Which day is the worst to propose on?
April Fools’ Day.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
😄 😄 😄
April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?
The silly goose!
😄 😄 😄
What is a prankster’s favorite toy?
Silly String.
😄 😄 😄
For April Fools, my girlfriend replaced my Alpha-Bits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when you prank a person on Sunday?
Sabbathtoge.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Batman hate April Fools’ Day?
Because the Joker might be out!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a leprechaun’s prank?
A St. Pat-trick!
😄 😄 😄
What did the mayo say after being pranked on April Fools’ Day?
“What the hellmann!”
😄 😄 😄
What happens to corny jokesters who get jailed on April Fools’ Day?
They go to the pun-itentiary.
😄 😄 😄
Why do scientists suck at pulling pranks on April 1st?
They lack the element of surprise.
😄 😄 😄
What is it called when shapes play pranks on each other?
Geometrick.
😄 😄 😄
What is a monkey’s favorite day of the year?
The first of Ape-ril.
😄 😄 😄
Where do you go on vacation on April 1st?
Niagara Fools.
😄 😄 😄
How do deer celebrate April Fool’s Day?
They pronk each other.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a hammer bought on April 1st?
April tool.
😄 😄 😄
What did the victims of a month-delayed April Fools’ prank feel?
Dismay.
😄 😄 😄
What monster plays the most April Fools’ jokes?
Prankenstein!
😄 😄 😄
I ordered that new auto part for you.
It’s Honda way.
😄 😄 😄
What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?
Automobile.
😄 😄 😄
What would you call an unidentified object which landed in Australia?
Australien.
😄 😄 😄
What would you call a walking mosquito?
An itch-hiker.
😄 😄 😄
What would you call Israel if it disappeared away?
Wasreal.
😄 😄 😄
What would you call Santa if you found him at the South Pole?
A lost clause.
😄 😄 😄
Picked up a set of 20 Disney shorts on vinyl for only $30.
To be honest, though, I think they’d chafe less in cotton.
😄 😄 😄
I just walked past a man in shorts carrying a really long stick and I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said, “No, I’m German, how did you know my name was Walter?”
😄 😄 😄
I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty.
They’re my last reshorts.
😄 😄 😄
Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?
Because otherwise, they’d be boxers.
😄 😄 😄
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants.
😄 😄 😄
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese?
Mozzartrella.
😄 😄 😄
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t violins finish a crossword puzzle?
Because violins never solved anything.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the man who solved a puzzle in 10 minutes?
Even though the box said 2-4 years.
😄 😄 😄
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry?
Shrekspeare.
😄 😄 😄
You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe, who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say?
“Poetry!”
😄 😄 😄
I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.
I just really feel the words a lot more.
😄 😄 😄
I got a pet owl named Robin.
Robin Hoo-d.
😄 😄 😄
I said to my kid, “Someone just told me that you’re acting like an owl.”
My son: “Who?”
Me: “Exactly.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
😄 😄 😄
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
😄 😄 😄
What happens if an owl doesn’t wash?
It smells fowl.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the owl ’owl?
Because the woodpecker would peck ’er.
😄 😄 😄
What’s an owl’s favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hoo.”
“Hoo, who?”
“Are you an owl?”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owls say.”
“Owls say, who?”
“Yes, they do.”
😄 😄 😄
Britain’s most common owl?
The teatowel.
😄 😄 😄
A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman.
“What’s the secret to your longevity?”, he asked.
Old woman: “Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone.”
The reporter laughed, “That’s ridiculous. That can’t be the real reason.”
The old lady smiled and nodded, “You’re probably right.”
😄 😄 😄
Marri-Age and Old-Age
Relative: “You are getting old. You should get married now.”
Me: “Will that stop aging?”
😄 😄 😄
I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar.
I’ve now got milk all over the kitchen top.
😄 😄 😄
What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?
Bond. Gold Bond.
😄 😄 😄
I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love.
It never got published.
It was all in vein.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
😄 😄 😄
I’m reading a romance book in Braille. I don’t think I’ll finish.
It’s too touchy-feely for me.
😄 😄 😄
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
😄 😄 😄
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Ouch!
😄 😄 😄
What farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
😄 😄 😄
What was the trickiest question on a diabetes website?
It asked if I would accept cookies.
😄 😄 😄
How does a broken ankle apologize?
“I’m sorry for being such a stumbling block.”
😄 😄 😄
What did one broken ankle say to the other?
“Let’s stay positive and get back on our feet!”
😄 😄 😄
I asked a window cleaner if he liked his job.
He said he could see himself doing windows every day.
😄 😄 😄
If you were to clean a vacuum, would you be a vacuum cleaner?
😄 😄 😄
When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?
A gastrophysicist.
😄 😄 😄
I have a joke about the flu...
But I hope you don’t get it.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the flu virus go to the theater?
It heard the play was infectious.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the flu go to the art exhibit?
It heard there was a lot of culture there.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the flu feeling down?
It didn’t feel like it was being taken snot-seriously.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a flu that became a musician?
Achoo-bacca.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t flu viruses use social media?
They prefer going viral in person.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the influenza virus break up with its girlfriend?
She was too cold to him.
😄 😄 😄
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
😄 😄 😄
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
But the virus was as fast as lightning.
😄 😄 😄
You should get your flu vaccination.
It’s worth a shot.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a flying pig?
Swine flu.
😄 😄 😄
How did the pig get out of the tree?
The swine flu.
😄 😄 😄
I became ill after taking self-defense classes.
I think I caught Kung Flu.
😄 😄 😄
The bird developed an illness.
I think it started when the bird flu.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?
Swine flu.
😄 😄 😄
What does a sick ninja practice?
Kung flu.
😄 😄 😄
What does a nut with the flu sound like?
CAAAASHEW!
😄 😄 😄
They said when pigs fly...
But the swine already flu.
😄 😄 😄
What is the most common illness in China?
Kung Flu.
😄 😄 😄
How did the flu become so popular?
They promoted it using an influenza.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?
An immunicorn.
😄 😄 😄
Why do people think vampire always have the flu?
Because they be coffin all day.
😄 😄 😄
Doctor: “How’s the flu medicine going for you? I know it’s a little bitter.”
Patient: “No, the medicine’s fine, can’t even taste anything when I take it.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?
Influen(zer).
😄 😄 😄
Friend: “Where were you?”
Me: “I got sick and had to rush to the doctor.”
Friend: “Flu?”
Me: “Nah, just drove really fast.”
😄 😄 😄
What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?
Peak Aboo.
And which one gives them a flu?
Peak Achoo.
😄 😄 😄
My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he’s had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood.
Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?
Axeing for a friend.
😄 😄 😄
John thought he could never catch an illness.
When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly”.
A few months later, it finally happened.
The swine flu.
😄 😄 😄
“Doctor, Doctor, I think I’ve got the swine flu.”
“Here’s an oinkment to make it better.”
😄 😄 😄
They ran out crying ‘bird flu’!!!
I looked up and couldn’t see any, I’m sure they were lying.
😄 😄 😄
Outbreak: New strain of bird flu discovered!!!
It’s called Chirpies.
It’s a canarial disease.
It’s untweetable.
😄 😄 😄
The bird flu is pretty nasty.
Luckily, it’s tweetable.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the first sign that you have caught bird flu?
Fowl symptoms.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?
Apparently he got it from a cardinal.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.
😄 😄 😄
I can’t imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
😄 😄 😄
I did that ancestry DNA thing, and it came back that I was 20% American Indian.
It makes sense because after I went to prom it rained for 2 weeks.
😄 😄 😄
What is an Indian’s favorite place to be?
Indiana.
😄 😄 😄
On an application form I was filling out was the question “Who should we notify in the event of an emergency?”.
I wrote “The 911 operator”.
😄 😄 😄
911 operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: “Hi, I need to report a kidnapping. My son is taking a nap in my room right now.”
😄 😄 😄
911 operator: “What’s your emergency?”
Kangaroo: “I can’t find my children.”
Kangaroo 911: “Did you check your pockets?”
Kangaroo: “Oh, never mind.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?
“911 is an inside job.”
😄 😄 😄
Guy outside: “911! 911!”
Guy inside: “What’s going on out there? Why are you yelling 911?”
Guy outside: “Emerge and see!”
😄 😄 😄
I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
😄 😄 😄
Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.”
Dispatcher: “Do you have an address?”
Caller: “No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?”
😄 😄 😄
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
😄 😄 😄
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
😄 😄 😄
I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine.
I’m under a lot of pressure.
😄 😄 😄
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn’t go down so well.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
😄 😄 😄
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep.
😄 😄 😄
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It’s the depth charges.
😄 😄 😄
How is the submarine doing at school?
It’s below c-level.
😄 😄 😄
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
😄 😄 😄
A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him.
He stopped one of the runners and asked, “What’s happening?”
The runner replied breathlessly, “A lion has escaped from the zoo.”
“Oh my, which way is it heading?”
“Well, you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the roadrunner.
😄 😄 😄
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
😄 😄 😄
How did the roofing company become so successful?
They nailed it.
😄 😄 😄
I thought I saw a squirrel on the roof.
But it was just a roofing nut.
😄 😄 😄
I took a roofing class in college.
But all the content went right over my head.
😄 😄 😄
My roofing business is having a great promotion right now.
If you buy one roof, the next one is on the house.
😄 😄 😄
What is it that keeps roofing teams together?
Trussed.
😄 😄 😄
What type of construction are dogs good at?
Roofing.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the hardest part of the roofing business?
The overhead.
😄 😄 😄
When he was ten years old Warren Buffett called 911 to report a car had been in an accident near his local grocery store.
It was his first experience with a market crash.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him?
It was an emergent sea.
😄 😄 😄
Two skeletons rise from a grave one night and get on a motorbike.
Suddenly the one on the driver seat gets off again, runs back and rips out its gravestone.
The other asks, “What the hell do you need THAT for?”
And it answers, “Are you stupid? I can’t just drive without my ID!”
😄 😄 😄
What is Bob Marley called on a motorbike?
Bob Harley.
😄 😄 😄
Why won’t my motorbike run?
Because it’s two tired.
😄 😄 😄
What motorbikes do ghosts prefer?
A boocati.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you mix a motorbike with a joke?
A Yamahaha.
😄 😄 😄
The biker’s idea was revolutionary.
It was a real handlebar moment.
😄 😄 😄
I had to put my motorbike in the shop.
It needed a wheelignment.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the nun become an archaeologist?
She had a knack for digging up old habits.
😄 😄 😄
How many pretty girls are there at a monastery?
Nun.
😄 😄 😄
Why do nuns always wear black and white?
No particular reason, it’s just a habit they have.
😄 😄 😄
How did the Catholic priest finish the marathon?
He was second to nun.
😄 😄 😄
Why does it take so long for a nun to get her clothes?
It takes 21 days to make a habit.
😄 😄 😄
How many nuns are there in a temple?
Nun.
😄 😄 😄
What do nuns do?
Nunthing.
😄 😄 😄
How many Catholics can you fit in a habit?
Nun.
😄 😄 😄
Female monasteries are nun-profit.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call oyster nuns?
Cloisters.
😄 😄 😄
I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.
😄 😄 😄
I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.
She had a nasty habit.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sleep walking Nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a red, white and blue pie?
Pastry-otic.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the burger sad?
Because he had the blue cheese.
😄 😄 😄
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
😄 😄 😄
Why was red in awe of orange?
Because orange blue green.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah, it blue up.
😄 😄 😄
My sister was diagnosed as color-blind.
The revelation really came out of the blue.
😄 😄 😄
I read a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
😄 😄 😄
Blue jeans are immortal.
They never die, they just fade away.
😄 😄 😄
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light.
Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
😄 😄 😄
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy.
Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
😄 😄 😄
I was under the blues.
So I had to blue my nose occasionally.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call cheese that is sad?
Blue cheese.
😄 😄 😄
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
😄 😄 😄
Once I tried to paint the sky, but I blue it.
😄 😄 😄
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo.
They get really blue.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
😄 😄 😄
Red ship hits blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
😄 😄 😄
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
😄 😄 😄
What is red, white, and blue?
A sad candy cane.
😄 😄 😄
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay.
😄 😄 😄
I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.
😄 😄 😄
We’re feeling so blue.
We used to be the Blue Man Group.
😄 😄 😄
I tried to dye my dog’s hair blue.
But I guess he was blue-ish.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a party in blue shoes.
But everyone said it was a blue-sy idea.
😄 😄 😄
When the paint store was blue-out, they called it a palette cleanser.
😄 😄 😄
When the blueberry made a mistake, it had to blue-pologize.
😄 😄 😄
The blue light special was on sale.
But it left me feeling blue-tifully broke.
😄 😄 😄
The blue cheese thought he was the king.
But he was just a cheesy guy.
😄 😄 😄
The ocean was feeling blue.
So I told her to sea the brighter side.
😄 😄 😄
She’s feeling so blue.
She might as well be called the ocean.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad berry?
A blue-fruit.
😄 😄 😄
I saw a blue crab today.
It was quite a claw-some sight.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the blue plane that crashed?
They said it was a skyblunder.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a blue jay with a parrot?
A bird with no identity.
😄 😄 😄
I made a blue smoothie today.
It was berry good.
😄 😄 😄
Why do people love blue jokes?
They’re so pun-derful.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the sky that fell?
It turned the whole world blue.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blue people make bad singers?
They’re always feeling blue.
😄 😄 😄
I saw a blue horse the other day.
I guess you could say it was a rare-colored mare.
😄 😄 😄
I tried to dye my hair blue, but it didn’t work out.
I guess you could say it was a dye-lemma.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue paint cross the road?
To get to the other hue.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the blue pencil who broke up with his girlfriend?
He decided to draw the line.
😄 😄 😄
I’m feeling blue today, so I decided to paint my room blue.
I guess you could say it’s a shade of blue situation.
😄 😄 😄
The baby blue eyes were coldly warm.
😄 😄 😄
The sky was a cheerful shade of melancholy blue.
😄 😄 😄
His true blue loyalty was betrayed by his green envy.
😄 😄 😄
I told my coworker I was going to wear a blue shirt to work.
And he said he was going to wear his blue-suit-of-armor.
😄 😄 😄
I heard about a blue whale who was feeling down.
It was a huge ordeal.
😄 😄 😄
My friend said he wanted to start feeling more blue.
So I gave him a bottle of blue-cation.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a restaurant where all the menus were printed in blue ink.
I guess they were trying to get in touch with their blue-side.
😄 😄 😄
I heard that a blue jay and a cardinal fell in love.
But their relationship was a little blue-blooded.
😄 😄 😄
I asked my boss if things were looking up with our company.
And he said the future was blue-skied and full of possibility.
😄 😄 😄
I thought about dying my hair blue for a change.
But it turned out to be more of a blue-hair affair.
😄 😄 😄
My friend said he was in a blue funk.
But I told him not to worry because I’m an expert at funk-squashing.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a blues concert dressed in all black.
I guess I wasn’t feeling very blues-sympathetic.
😄 😄 😄
I asked my friend what he was doing to stay happy in his job.
And he said he was always searching for blue skies.
😄 😄 😄
I was feeling blue once, so I went outside to walk it off.
Instead, I got struck by blue lightning.
😄 😄 😄
My boss told me that work might be a little blue today.
But I didn’t know that meant the copiers were taking the day off.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a party once where everyone was dressed in blue.
It was like a sea of navy-tees.
😄 😄 😄
I heard about a blue tick hound who was feeling down.
His bark was way worse than his bite.
😄 😄 😄
People always ask why I’m feeling blue.
I just tell them I’m still waiting for my prince charming to come riding in on a blue motorbike.
😄 😄 😄
I bought some blue shoes to wear to the office.
But they made me feel downright feet-talistic.
😄 😄 😄
My coworker said that being blue is in his blood.
I asked him if he had been bitten by a smurf.
😄 😄 😄
My friend said he was going to start a feeling-blue club, but I declined.
I’m more of an upbeat kind of person.
😄 😄 😄
I told my boss I was feeling blue, so he painted my office the color of the ocean. Now I’m working in a sea of tranquility.
😄 😄 😄
The detective was following a blue-ribbon lead.
😄 😄 😄
He’s a blue-chip investment for any company.
😄 😄 😄
The party was a blue-ribbon event.
😄 😄 😄
He has a blue-collar job.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue-faced man get lost?
He was feeling blue and couldn’t find his way.
😄 😄 😄
What did the sky say to the ocean?
Nothing, they just had a blue period together.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blueberries get along with everyone?
They’re naturally blue-tiful.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?
“Hey, pal, want to blue me away?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Smurfs kick Papa Smurf out of their village?
He was giving them all the blues.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a depressed unicorn?
A blue-corn.
😄 😄 😄
I hate it when my blue jeans fade.
They’re not feeling so blue anymore.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the sad blueberry?
It was feeling blue.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the blue alien that landed on Earth?
He had an out of this world.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue paint say to the red paint when they met?
“You’re looking rosy!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s a blue shoe?
A shoe with the blues.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
“Hallou-mi!”
😄 😄 😄
What did one blue eye say to the other?
Between us, something smells.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue square say to the red triangle?
“Hi-angle!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue marker shy away from the red marker?
It was a little shy-nero.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sneaky blue bean?
A navy bean.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blueberry always tired?
Because it was feeling a little blue-combed.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue paint brush say to the red paint brush?
“I blue you away.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue-colored fruit hide?
It was feeling blue.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a sad shade of blue?
Bereaved.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blue whales need computers?
To go on their whale-net.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue paint laugh at the brown paint?
Because he was blue-tiful.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blue marker sad?
Because its life was point-less.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a blue cat that likes to race?
A fast purrr-ple.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad little blue planet?
A gloom.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bluebird get kicked out of the forest?
Because it was a bird of pray.
😄 😄 😄
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue tie say to the little red dress?
“You go ahead, I’ll just hang around.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a group of blue whales?
A pod of blues.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blue-berry.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t sharks like to eat blue whales?
Because they’re all blubber and no beef.
😄 😄 😄
The orthopedic doctor was feeling a bit patella-tive after a long day of surgeries.
😄 😄 😄
My orthopedic surgeon has the bone-dacity to tell jokes during surgery.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the hip bone so calm during surgery?
Because it knew everything would be alright.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a hip bone that’s late for surgery?
Hip-late.
😄 😄 😄
How did the hip bone feel after surgery?
Absolutely joint-ful!
😄 😄 😄
When the rapper needed surgery, he got a hip-hop replacement.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a hipster’s favorite type of surgery?
A hip replacement.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a hip replacement’s favorite type of music?
Hip-hop.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a skeleton who just had hip surgery?
Hip-ster!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the hip bone go to the coffee shop?
Because it needed a little perk-me-up after surgery.
😄 😄 😄
How does a hip replacement like to relax?
By taking a joint vacation.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the orthopedic surgeon bring a radio into surgery?
Because he wanted to tune into the hip-est station.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the hip surgery patient bring a suit to the hospital?
Because he wanted to be hip and dapper during recovery.
😄 😄 😄
What did one hip replacement say to the other?
“You crack me up!”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the hip replacement patient always winning at poker?
Because they always had a couple of joints up their sleeve.
😄 😄 😄
A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me.
Critics are saying it’s the new hip place to be.
😄 😄 😄
My grandma got a hip replacement.
My new grandma is a 24-year-old barista and an aspiring artist.
😄 😄 😄
So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.
He’s laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.
Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.
“Who are you?” the guy asks.
“I’m your hip replacement.”
😄 😄 😄
How does Uranus stay clean?
It takes meteor showers.
😄 😄 😄
Why was Uranus sad at the solar system party?
It felt left out of the loop.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’s favorite game?
Twister, it’s always spinning!
😄 😄 😄
Ever heard of the planet party?
Uranus was the star, always the center of attraction.
😄 😄 😄
I met a comedian who specializes in Uranus jokes.
Suffice to say, their humor was out of this world.
😄 😄 😄
I asked Uranus if it knows any good planet jokes.
It replied, “Sorry, they’re just not my atmosphere.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the planet Uranus join a band?
It wanted to planet self in rhythm.
😄 😄 😄
Uranus’ puns are my favorite kind of humor.
They’re truly universal.
😄 😄 😄
I’m never afraid to make a Uranus pun.
They’re always out of this world.
😄 😄 😄
I’m not afraid to crack a joke about Uranus.
It’s a gas!
😄 😄 😄
What did Uranus say to its moon?
“You have the right to remain in orbit, anything you say will be taken out of context!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?
Space Opera.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Uranus get kicked out of the library?
It was talking too much gas-babble.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite hobby?
Planet-ting.
😄 😄 😄
What did the other planets say to Uranus when it was feeling sad?
“Cheer up, life’s just a gas!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did Uranus become a rock star?
Because it’s always surrounded by gas.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Uranus so good at baseball?
Because it has a great orbit!
😄 😄 😄
What did Uranus say to Earth?
“You’re always following me around. Give me some space!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did Uranus go on a diet?
Because it wanted to be a little lighter and have that celestial glow!
😄 😄 😄
Uranus has a real flair for fashion.
It always rocks the planet look!
😄 😄 😄
You’ll never hear Uranus complain.
Because it’s got a good atmosphere about it.
😄 😄 😄
My teacher told me I couldn’t make a joke about Uranus in class.
But hey, it’s my orbit!
😄 😄 😄
When Uranus threw a party, everyone was over the moon!
😄 😄 😄
I tried to tell a joke about Uranus.
But I couldn’t planet right.
😄 😄 😄
My favorite planet is Uranus because it’s just so well-rounded.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the comedy show on Uranus?
It was a real gas, but not everyone understood the humor.
😄 😄 😄
The planet Uranus is really good at keeping secrets.
After all, it has all those gas-tly atmospheres to hide things.
😄 😄 😄
I asked Uranus about its love life.
And it replied, “It’s complicated, I’m in a gas-tly relationship.”
😄 😄 😄
If Uranus was a comedian, it would always crack jokes with a little bit of gas.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the astronomy professor who was always talking about Uranus?
He was kind of a space case.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the planet Uranus?
It’s quite gas-sy.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?
Gas-tronomic swirl.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut bring a joke book to Uranus?
To break the space ice.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of bread?
Gas-tly sourdough.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the spaceship bring a snack to Uranus?
It wanted to have a gas-tro picnic.
😄 😄 😄
What did the comet say when it visited Uranus?
“This place is a gas!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of weather?
Gas-tly winds.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the meteor break up with Uranus?
It felt like it was crashing and burning.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut challenge Uranus to a staring contest?
It wanted to see who had the most gravity.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the alien bring a gift to Uranus?
It wanted to show its appreciation for the atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the asteroid start a podcast with Uranus?
They wanted to rock the airwaves.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of vehicle?
Gas-guzzler.
😄 😄 😄
How does Uranus apologize for being late?
It blames it on its orbit.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the moon break up with Uranus?
It wanted someone with a brighter personality.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite subject?
Gas-tronomy.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut bring a ladder to Uranus?
To reach for the stars.
😄 😄 😄
What did the comet say to Uranus?
“You’re out of this world!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut go to therapy with Uranus?
It had too many emotional craters.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Uranus always invited to parties?
It knows how to break the ice.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite accessory?
A gas mask.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of humor?
Dark matter jokes.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the alien invite Uranus to the party?
It knew Uranus would bring the atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite comedy movie?
Guardians of the Gas-laxy.
😄 😄 😄
How does Uranus apologize?
It says “I’m sorry, I need some space”.
😄 😄 😄
What happens when a waffle gets mad?
It flips.
😄 😄 😄
My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a car’s favorite meal?
Brake-fast.
😄 😄 😄
What is dog’s favorite breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg cracked a yolk!
😄 😄 😄
What do authors eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns.
😄 😄 😄
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
😄 😄 😄
What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blueberry muffin.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blueberry muffin crumble?
It fell to pieces under pressure!
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blueberry muffin so sad?
It was feeling a little crumby.
😄 😄 😄
Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.
I like to play Muffin Roulette.
😄 😄 😄
Feeling blue? A blueberry muffin can be your rescue!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blueberry muffin get a ticket?
It was berry speeding!
😄 😄 😄
Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.
The landlady said to me, “We charge twenty pounds a night—bed and breakfast—or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.”
“Oh, all right,” I said, “I’ll make the bed.”
And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.
😄 😄 😄
The bed-and-breakfast I stayed at had a great view.
It was truly sight-resting.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a haunted bed-and-breakfast in France.
That place was giving me the crêpes.
😄 😄 😄
What makes nuts healthy?
They have many nut-rients.
😄 😄 😄
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can’t really peer pressure them.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects?
A con artist.
😄 😄 😄
The artist was great.
He could always draw a crowd.
😄 😄 😄
What is the result of an art competition?
A draw.
😄 😄 😄
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
😄 😄 😄
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot puzzles.
It’s OK though... I know where to draw the line.
😄 😄 😄
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bat walk in her pajamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
😄 😄 😄
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
😄 😄 😄
I just dropped my phone in the bath.
Now it’s syncing.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve seen a meteor shower...
But never seen a meteor take a bath.
😄 😄 😄
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain?
A peak experience.
😄 😄 😄
A woman is flirting with a man at a bar.
She says, “Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?”
The man replies, “I work for KGB.”
“Cool, tell me an interesting story!”
“About me or about you?”
😄 😄 😄
Why should you take a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains.
😄 😄 😄
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
😄 😄 😄
Why do pencils shave?
To look sharp.
😄 😄 😄
Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a Nest-cafe.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?
One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.
😄 😄 😄
A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.
After a while of, the doctor asks: “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an archeologist,” she answers.
The doctor responds: “Then I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”
😄 😄 😄
This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
😄 😄 😄
What drink breaks the ice?
Flirt-Tea.
😄 😄 😄
What is the definition of laziness?
The art of taking rest before getting tired. Because prevention is better than cure.
😄 😄 😄
I’d like to thank everyone who taught me the definition of ‘many’.
It really means a lot.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the 30-year-old throw a party with only one candle on the cake?
They didn’t want to set off the fire alarm with all those candles!
😄 😄 😄
How did the 30-year-old gardener celebrate their birthday?
By receiving a thirtree as a gift!
😄 😄 😄
How did the 30-year-old marathon runner celebrate their birthday?
By going the extra mile!
😄 😄 😄
What did the 30-year-old computer engineer say on his birthday?
“I’m just a byte older.”
😄 😄 😄
If people want to learn more about witchcraft...
Do they go to Wiccapedia?
😄 😄 😄
Why did the registered nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?
Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.
😄 😄 😄
Registered nurse: “Sorry for the wait!”
Man: “It’s alright, I’m patient.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
“Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do registered nurses bring a red crayon to work?
In case, they have to draw blood.
😄 😄 😄
How many registered nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they’ll delegate it to the nursing assistants, but they’ll check the vital signs just in case.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the registered nurse bring a ladder to work?
To take care of high blood pressure.
😄 😄 😄
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
😄 😄 😄
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water.
It’s an untapped market.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell.
😄 😄 😄
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
😄 😄 😄
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
😄 😄 😄
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy?
It was the wicked witch of rest.
😄 😄 😄
My red panda went on a shopping spree and ended up with a paw-ful of amazing deals.
😄 😄 😄
When the red panda got tired, it decided to take a koala-ty nap.
😄 😄 😄
What is the definition of overcast?
When Harry Potter messes up a spell.
😄 😄 😄
What is Harry Potter’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
😄 😄 😄
How does a red panda flirt with her crush?
She gives them a bamboozling smile.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the red panda good at math?
It always knew how to add-bear the numbers.
😄 😄 😄
Red pandas never skip leg day.
Their hopping skills are paws-itively impressive.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the red panda bring a ladder?
It wanted to reach new heights-bear.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the red panda become an actor?
It had a panda-mic personality.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the red panda’s art exhibition?
It was panda-monium!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
😄 😄 😄
What did the red panda say after winning a race?
“I’m un-bear-ably fast!”
😄 😄 😄
My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress.
So I didn’t open his bills.
😄 😄 😄
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away.
An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a skunk’s philosophy of life?
Eat, stink, and be merry.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he’s a whywolf.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a pickle’s life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
😄 😄 😄
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor?
Rabbit De Niro.
😄 😄 😄
An actor I know fell through the floor recently.
It’s just a stage he was going through.
😄 😄 😄
Who are the biggest fans at the theater?
The backstage crew—they’re always giving props to the actors.
😄 😄 😄
Which actor is now being quarantined for swine flu?
Kevin Bacon.
😄 😄 😄
How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Depends on what it says in the script.
😄 😄 😄
Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.
😄 😄 😄
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath.
She wasn’t content. I’m so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
😄 😄 😄
If you’re stressed, try ironing clothes.
It’s a great way to let off some steam.
😄 😄 😄
When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.
😄 😄 😄
Husband to friend: “The physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.”
Friend: “And is she doing this?”
Husband: “Well, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do driving instructors make good physical therapists?
Because they can teach fine motor skills.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the physical therapist who asked his date to meet him at the gym?
She didn’t show up, and that’s when he knew they weren’t gonna work out.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the pig visit the physical therapist’s clinic?
It pulled a hamstring.
😄 😄 😄
Where do people in Egypt go for physical therapy?
To the Cairo-practor.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?
A chirotractor.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a fat ghost’s biggest fear of physical therapists?
Being exercised.
😄 😄 😄
What did one roll of toilet paper say to the other?
“I’m feeling wiped out!”
😄 😄 😄
“Have you seen our toilet roll?” asked my wife.
“Don’t be silly,” I replied. “A toilet is a stationary object.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They’re always getting ripped off.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
😄 😄 😄
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
😄 😄 😄
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses?
Tulips.
😄 😄 😄
Where is happiness made?
At the satisfactory.
😄 😄 😄
I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted.
😄 😄 😄
My fridge stopped working...
It’s not cool.
😄 😄 😄
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a male buffalo?
A buffellow.
😄 😄 😄
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
😄 😄 😄
Two flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other, “You’d better pick up your game, Louie, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.”
😄 😄 😄
Why are so many computer scientists atheists?
Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.
😄 😄 😄
What did a dam say to the river?
“Water you thinking?”
😄 😄 😄
What did a brick say to a wall?
“I’ve got your back!”
😄 😄 😄
Concrete and steel had a debate.
It was a hard conversation.
😄 😄 😄
So, it’s about 1961, and I am ever so proudly part of a land survey crew working in a local neighborhood.
A young boy comes out from his house and states, “My mom wants to know what you are doing here!”
I state, “Well, we’re surveyors!”
And as the crew continues down the street, I hear his mom ask, “Well, what are they doing, Tommy?”
To which Tommy responds, “Don’t worry, mom, they are survivors!”
😄 😄 😄
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
“OK Boomer.”
😄 😄 😄
I got fired from the bomb squad today.
It’s too bad really…
I had a blast working there.
😄 😄 😄
A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding.
The cop said, “Do you know how fast you were going, Sir?”
The guy replied, “I was just trying to keep up with the traffic.”
The cop said, “There is no traffic, Sir.”
The guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am?!”
😄 😄 😄
I got pulled over by a traffic cop.
He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.
😄 😄 😄
A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?”
I replied, “Kindergarten.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
😄 😄 😄
What is the official animal of National Pi Day?
The pi-thon.
😄 😄 😄
In France, they don’t say “I love you”.
Because they don’t speak English there.
😄 😄 😄
What did the skydiver say in autumn?
I love the fall.
😄 😄 😄
If you ever name your kid Autumn...
Whenever they go out of the room, start singing “The Autumn Leaves...”.
😄 😄 😄
Why do trees drop their leaves in the fall?
It’s autumn-atic.
😄 😄 😄
National Pride Day should be September 21.
September 22 is the first day of Autumn, and as everyone knows, pride goes before a fall.
😄 😄 😄
A girl named Autumn tried to prank me.
I didn’t fall for it!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between an architect and an engineer?
If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own.
If engineers built all the buildings, they’d be so ugly, we’d tear them all down.
😄 😄 😄
Software architects should never design high-security fences.
They’re likely to make them highly scalable.
😄 😄 😄
Lawyer: “Everybody hates lawyers until they need one.”
Architect: “Everybody loves architects until they need one.”
😄 😄 😄
I’ve been watching this anime about dentists. But it’s been getting boring.
I’m a little tired of the filler episodes.
😄 😄 😄
Dog: “Where are you going?”
Ant: “My step brother—the elephant—has met with an accident. Since we have the same blood group, I am going to donate some blood for him.
😄 😄 😄
Once some hunters were after an elephant. The elephant didn’t know what to do.
He met an ant on the road and told him his problem.
Ant said, “Don’t worry. Just hide behind me!”
😄 😄 😄
An ant approaches an elephant and asks, “Would you like to play?”
“Sure,” replies the elephant.
“So, what’s your favorite game?” the ant inquires.
“Squash,” says the elephant.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?
You can’t take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!
😄 😄 😄
How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama?
One Mississippi.
😄 😄 😄
My brother just broke the record by downing 22 jets.
He’ll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Air Force.
😄 😄 😄
Which country has the worst air force?
Turkey. None of them can fly.
😄 😄 😄
“How long has your unit been broken?” says the specialist.
“Two weeks,” says the customer.
“Why did you wait so long?” says the specialist. This hot weather is no joke.”
“My in-laws were here,” said the customer. “They wanted to stay for a month.”
😄 😄 😄
A man went viral after making a TikTok video describing how to keep cool without any air conditioning.
He has a lot of fans.
😄 😄 😄
What is the propeller used for on an airplane?
Many people do not know this, but is actually for air conditioning.
If you ever get to see it when the propeller stops, the pilot suddenly starts sweating.
😄 😄 😄
Have you heard about the new game getting released?
It’s AI is 20 years ahead of it’s time, the graphics are truly real life, it has an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible.
It’s called “Go outside and ride your bike!”.
😄 😄 😄
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.
However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it’s an auto-biography.
😄 😄 😄
Who were the first people in Australia to have a six-pack?
The Ab-originals.
😄 😄 😄
An Australian aborigine owns a boomerang that will not return to him no matter how many times he throws it.
Frustrated, he seeks assistance from the witch doctor.
When the witch doctor asks where he obtained the boomerang, the aborigine says it was from a souvenir shop on Ayer’s Rock.
The witch doctor says, “You bloody fool, didn’t you see the sign by the cash register that says ‘NO RETURNS’.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you know that someone tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal?
But the line was always busy.
😄 😄 😄
The policeman told me he was chasing a man with one leg.
I told him to use both, he would get him faster.
😄 😄 😄
My friend went bankrupt after inventing a sandal for people with only one leg.
It was a flop.
😄 😄 😄
On Teachers’ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?
To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.
😄 😄 😄
A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachers’ Day evening and says, “Can I have a beer.”
The barman says, “I don’t know, can you?”
😄 😄 😄
Where did the vampire teacher throw the Teachers’ Day party?
In Pencilvania.
😄 😄 😄
On the occasion of Teachers’ Day, the teacher was having a casual chat with his students.
Teacher: “Neil, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Neil: “Sir, I want to be just like you.”
Teacher, impressed: “And why is that?”
Neil: “Because even I love doing nothing.”
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “Class! We will have only half a day of school this morning due to Teachers’ Day.”
Class: “Hooorraaaayyy!”
Teacher: “We will have the other half, this afternoon.”
😄 😄 😄
How was the cyclops so effective that she was awarded the best teacher award on Teachers’ Day?
She only had one pupil!
😄 😄 😄
An English teacher was getting late for school on Teachers’ Day.
Suddenly, a cop pulled him over and asked for papers.
He gladly gave him all of his students’ essays to grade and drove off.
😄 😄 😄
How is Teachers’ Day, a day of rest?
The rest of the laundry, the rest of the housework, and grading the rest of the papers.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the teacher late for school on Teachers’ Day?
She took the Rhombus.
😄 😄 😄
Where is the flu most common?
In cities with high levels of congestion.
😄 😄 😄
It’s the cold and flu time of year.
Or, as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?
Sick and twisted.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the bird flu?
I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.
😄 😄 😄
Bird flu.
Bird landed.
😄 😄 😄
My twin brothers dressed up as a bird this Halloween, guess what they said?
Trick or tweet.
😄 😄 😄
I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.
Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend has an OnlyFans account and it’s doing really well.
I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.
😄 😄 😄
Why do brides cry at the wedding?
Because they never marry the best man.
😄 😄 😄
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday!
😄 😄 😄
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
😄 😄 😄
The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.
That way you can keep your hands warm when you’re pushing it home in the winter!
😄 😄 😄
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, “My door is always open!”
😄 😄 😄
What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?
By the time she got home, it was toast!
😄 😄 😄
Why do women like men with beards?
Because they immediately see something that they can change!
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
😄 😄 😄
Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.
The loser had to go live in the North Pole.
😄 😄 😄
Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.
Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.
😄 😄 😄
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”
😄 😄 😄
An onion just told me a joke.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
😄 😄 😄
Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realized my entire life is a joke...
😄 😄 😄
I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.
😄 😄 😄
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.
Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
😄 😄 😄
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”
😄 😄 😄
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asked him, “Why the long face?”
😄 😄 😄
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, “Your money or your life!”
The student keeps walking and says, “Sorry mate, I’m a computer science student. I don’t have either.”
😄 😄 😄
It was the first day of school.
Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”
“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”
“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “Take a seat”.
Student: “Where do you want me to take it to?”
😄 😄 😄
What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
😄 😄 😄
Who should be your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
😄 😄 😄
Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to see how long he slept!
😄 😄 😄
Dear Students,
I know when you are texting in class. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.
😄 😄 😄
What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?
Keep trying until you get a reaction.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
😄 😄 😄
Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
😄 😄 😄
There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.
One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.
The colleague asked, “Why do you always drive so fast through intersections?”
To which the statistics teacher responded, “Well, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!”
😄 😄 😄
In high school, teachers had to raise their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.
😄 😄 😄
The judge rose from the bench and said, “Madam, I’ve waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”
Then he smiled as he said, “Now, sit down at that table and write 500 times ‘I will not pass through a red light.’”
😄 😄 😄
My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.
😄 😄 😄
I said to my teacher, “I don’t think I deserved a zero for this exam.”
She said, “I agree, but I couldn’t give you any less.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says “Spit your gum out!” and the train says “Chew, chew!”
😄 😄 😄
Boss: “Do you believe in life after death?”
Employee: “No, because there is no proof of it.”
Boss: “Well there is now!”
Employee: “How?”
Boss: “When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle’s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.”
😄 😄 😄
My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t fish like playing basketball?
They are terrified of nets.
😄 😄 😄
Math teacher: “James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?”
James: “A Headache ma’am.”
😄 😄 😄
I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.
He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.
😄 😄 😄
Never fight a math teacher. You’ll always be outnumbered.
😄 😄 😄
85% of people in America don’t know basic math.
Thanks God I’m from the other 25%.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t Romans find algebra interesting?
X is always 10.
😄 😄 😄
Dear math,
Please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
Thanks!
😄 😄 😄
I was going to buy a pocket calculator.
But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.
😄 😄 😄
Dear Math,
I am sick and tired of finding your “x”. Just accept the fact that she’s gone. Move on dude.
😄 😄 😄
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... she’s imaginary.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make a small fortune out of horses?
Start with a large fortune.
😄 😄 😄
A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.
“Will I be able to race this horse again?” he asks.
The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Horsp.”
“Horsp, who?”
Did you just say “horse poo?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the owner name his racehorse “Bad News”?
Because bad news travels fast.
😄 😄 😄
“Mum, I just won this phone in a race!”
“Who was in the race?”
“The owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”
😄 😄 😄
Why is the internet like a motor racing crash?
There are spoilers everywhere.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?
Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.
😄 😄 😄
I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...
They’re too fast. I’d never win.
😄 😄 😄
I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, “What do you do?”
I replied, “I race motorcycles.”
She asked further, “Do you usually win many races?”
I said, “No, the bikes are much faster than I am.”
😄 😄 😄
I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.
😄 😄 😄
I first realized I was going bald when it started taking longer and longer for me to wash my face.
😄 😄 😄
What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?
No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!
😄 😄 😄
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.
😄 😄 😄
Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.
😄 😄 😄
It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, “Order!”
So I replied, “Fried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.”
Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.
😄 😄 😄
A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.
“Sure,” the airline agent said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”
She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was perplexed.
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?
Because he was a German shepherd.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
😄 😄 😄
Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?
Between you and I, something smells.
😄 😄 😄
I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?
Getting a scare-cut!
😄 😄 😄
Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?
A “B”.
😄 😄 😄
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
😄 😄 😄
Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?
My ex!
😄 😄 😄
I won a wet T-shirt competition. Guess what I got?
Pneumonia!
😄 😄 😄
The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
😄 😄 😄
I was trying to solve a few equations about circles. Guess what?
It was pointless.
😄 😄 😄
Diet day 1:
I removed all the fattening food from my house.
It was delicious.
😄 😄 😄
“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.
“Why not, son?”
“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”
“But why don’t you want to go today?”
“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”
😄 😄 😄
To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
“Hello.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.
She must be exhausted.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call London without electricity?
Londoff.
😄 😄 😄
What is the longest word in the English language?
“Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
😄 😄 😄
Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
😄 😄 😄
On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, “What are your parents’ names?”
The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing and my mother’s name is Smiling.”
The teacher said, “Are you kidding?”
The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.”
😄 😄 😄
A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, “Do you have frog legs?”
The waiter looks offended, “No, I’ve always walked like that!”
😄 😄 😄
A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.
After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”
The neighbor looks at him slowly, “Wait, inside?!”
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!
😄 😄 😄
Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, “Because people are sleeping!”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?
His father was hard-boiled.
😄 😄 😄
Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!
😄 😄 😄
If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.
I guess that’s why they moo.
😄 😄 😄
Why do anteaters never get colds?
Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!
😄 😄 😄
What do you do when you break your leg in two places?
Quit going to those two places!
😄 😄 😄
Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.
😄 😄 😄
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s very time-consuming.
😄 😄 😄
How much is the moon worth?
One dollar, because it has four quarters.
😄 😄 😄
What dance do all astronauts know?
The moonwalk.
😄 😄 😄
Why does nobody trust the man on the moon?
He has a dark side.
😄 😄 😄
Which is older, the moon or the sun?
The moon, because it can stay out all night.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Spell.”
“Spell, who?”
“Okay, okay: W. H. O.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who's there?”
“Ho, ho.”
“Ho ho, who?”
“You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who's there?”
“FBI.”
“FB...”
“We're asking the questions here.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Somebody too short to ring the doorbell!”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
😄 😄 😄
A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.
“What are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!” The policeman says.
The next week he stops the same car to see that the man still has the lynx, “I thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.” He says.
“I did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”
😄 😄 😄
A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to an old lady’s door.
She answers and he says, “I’m so sorry, I ran over your cat. I’d like to replace it.”
The old woman says, “Okay, how good are you at catching mice?”
😄 😄 😄
What did one flea say to the other?
“Shall we walk or take the cat?”
😄 😄 😄
Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you pick a green alien for your baseball team?
They’re not ripe yet.
😄 😄 😄
I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.
😄 😄 😄
What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?
The space bar.
😄 😄 😄
Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?
Because it has got less calories.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris’s parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, “Who’s the strongest in here?!”
The toughest guy looks at him and says, “I am the strongest around here!”
The other guy politely asks, “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?
A Ford Siesta.
😄 😄 😄
I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.
Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.
😄 😄 😄
The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”
The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
😄 😄 😄
I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.
😄 😄 😄
“Somebody just gave me a shower radio.”
“Do you really want music in the shower?”
“I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
😄 😄 😄
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
😄 😄 😄
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
😄 😄 😄
During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.
The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.
His reply was priceless, “Mom, I have a pain in my side—I think I’m getting a wife.”
😄 😄 😄
I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.
I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.
When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, “Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.”
😄 😄 😄
After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.
When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.
😄 😄 😄
The boss said I should go home because I really don’t look good.
I don’t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.
😄 😄 😄
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!
😄 😄 😄
How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They’re all girls! If they were boys, they’d be uncles.
😄 😄 😄
Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ll have an H2O please.”
😄 😄 😄
Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”
Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”
Bartender: “Three dollars.”
Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”
😄 😄 😄
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy bear.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
A tire.
😄 😄 😄
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
😄 😄 😄
Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?
If he raises them both, he’d fall down.
😄 😄 😄
Customer: “Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny.”
Waiter: “Then why aren’t you laughing?”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
😄 😄 😄
A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.
“Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”
Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!”
The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”
😄 😄 😄
Johnny tried to buy a toy car with Monopoly money at the store.
The cashier said, “There’s no way I can take this. It’s fake.”
Johnny said, “Well, the car’s not real either.”
😄 😄 😄
Daisy: “Why do you have two different colored socks on? One’s blue, but the other is green.”
Little Johnny: “I’m not sure. It’s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.”
😄 😄 😄
Little Johnny’s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees Little Johnny pulling faces at another child.
She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, “Johnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”
Little Johnny looks up to her and says, “Well miss, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.”
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “How far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?”
Little Johnny: “About 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.”
😄 😄 😄
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
😄 😄 😄
People treat me like a god.
They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.
😄 😄 😄
If God really made everything…
He’s Chinese, right?
😄 😄 😄
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually, his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”
The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”
😄 😄 😄
A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:
“Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
“Never mind. Found one!”
😄 😄 😄
A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.
His wife said, “Well what about your friend Clyde?”
The man replied, “Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren’t looking?”
“No, I guess not,” replied his wife.
The man said, “Neither would Clyde.”
😄 😄 😄
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
😄 😄 😄
Two friends talking:
“Hey, can I borrow some money? I’m broke.”
“Get money from your job.”
“I got fired.”
“Why?”
“My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.”
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! You told me to drink my medicine after my bath but I couldn’t manage it.”
Doctor: “Why not?”
Patient: “Well after I drank my bath I didn’t have room for the medicine!”
😄 😄 😄
A man frantically calls the doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor responds.
The man replies, “No! This is her husband!”
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
😄 😄 😄
My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.
😄 😄 😄
What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?
Mario Sunburnt!
😄 😄 😄
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Amish.”
“Amish, who?”
“Really? You don’t look like a shoe!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cash.”
“Cash, who?”
“No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting cow.”
“Interrup...”
“Moooooooo!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Tank.”
“Tank, who?”
“You’re welcome!”
😄 😄 😄
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
😄 😄 😄
Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
😄 😄 😄
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?
Inflation.
😄 😄 😄
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the moon constantly moody?
She’s just going through a phase.
😄 😄 😄
What insect comes from the moon?
A luna tick!
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.
😄 😄 😄
When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When you’re a mouse.
😄 😄 😄
Why are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them!
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t mummies have friends?
Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
😄 😄 😄
Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”
Student: “My father’s checkbook.”
😄 😄 😄
A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.
When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.”
😄 😄 😄
I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn't you get my E-mail?”
😄 😄 😄
Why does the programmer think the Grinch’s attitude isn’t bad?
He says it’s in beta.
😄 😄 😄
Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress.
So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, “May I try on that dress in the window, please?”
“Certainly not, madam”, responded the salesgirl, “You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.”
😄 😄 😄
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?
Santa walking backwards!
😄 😄 😄
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
“Is there anything breakable in here?”, asked the postal clerk.
“Only the Ten Commandments”, answered the lady.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?
He only had two worms.
😄 😄 😄
A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.
He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”
“That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man.
“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”
“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”
😄 😄 😄
Which king liked to do things on his own?
Solo-mon.
😄 😄 😄
A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Who’s first?”
😄 😄 😄
Psychiatrist: “What seems to be the problem?”
Patient: “I think I'm a chicken.”
Psychiatrist: “How long has this been going on?”
Patient: “Ever since I came out of my shell.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the cat like eating lemons?
Because he was a sourpuss.
😄 😄 😄
What does a cat have that no other animal has?
Kittens.
😄 😄 😄
Why do cats always win video games?
Because they have nine lives!
😄 😄 😄
Why do cats hate laptops?
They don’t have a mouse.
😄 😄 😄
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
😄 😄 😄
Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?
Because there is a hole in one.
😄 😄 😄
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
😄 😄 😄
Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
😄 😄 😄
Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?
They always forget to take off the candles.
😄 😄 😄
How does the German baker greet his customers?
Gluten Morgen!
😄 😄 😄
Can a dog jump higher than a house?
Well, duh. Houses can’t jump.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!
😄 😄 😄
There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
😄 😄 😄
Why are colds bad criminals?
Because they’re easy to catch.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
😄 😄 😄
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
😄 😄 😄
