Enjoy our team's carefully selected Question Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
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What did the bully do to the orange?
Beat him to a pulp.
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Why are orange jokes so dumb?
Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
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What’s a hairdresser’s favorite Christmas song?
“Oh, comb all ye faithful...”
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Did you hear about the time Bob Marley went to the hairdressers?
He was dreading it.
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Why did the banana go to the hairdresser?
Because it had split ends.
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What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdresser?
A middle parting.
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How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
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Did you hear about the hairdresser?
She dyed.
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What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
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Where do lobsters go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
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Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset.
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How does a lobster answer the phone?
“Shello?”
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What does a snail wear to go dancing?
Escargogo boots.
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What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
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What do you call a dancing ghost?
Polka-haunt-us.
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Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
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What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
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Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
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Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
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What is a wolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
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Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
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What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
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What do you call a werewolf for sale?
A warewolf.
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What do they call a group of werewolves?
We’rewolves.
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What did the mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
“Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!”
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Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
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How do you make a wolf laugh?
Give him a funny bone.
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What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
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What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
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What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
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What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
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What are a prisoner’s favorite building materials?
Steal and cement.
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What do bees use to build roads?
Nec-tar.
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How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs?
He logged in.
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How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
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What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
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What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?
Flanagan.
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What do you call an Irish reptile?
Croc O’Dile.
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What do you call three Irish lumberjacks?
Tree fellers.
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How many shots can an Irish man handle?
About 10 rounds.
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What kinds of beer makes you urinate vowels?
IPAs.
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Do you want to know the real reason nobody is buying Corona beer after this pandemic?
They don’t want any cases.
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How does a carpenter order 5 beers?
With 2 hands.
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What’s God’s favorite beer?
Busch Light.
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What do clams do on a summer vacation?
They shell-ebrate.
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What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Paddy O’furniture.
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What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the North Pole and his winters at the South?
A bi-polar bear.
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Who changes the season when Summer is over?
No one, it happens Autumnatically.
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What was the almond tree up to all summer?
Nuttin’.
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What is the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Their seasoning.
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What’s the secret to Jesus’ summer beach body?
Cross fit.
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Where do fish sleep in the summer?
On the seabed.
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When does a farmer dance?
When he drops the beet.
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What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
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What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
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Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
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What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
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What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
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What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
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Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
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Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
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What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink?
Sets on the Beach.
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How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar?
They both use drills.
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Why did they arrest the volleyball player?
They suspected foul play.
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Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game?
No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
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Why shouldn’t you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he’ll try to spike all the drinks.
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What’s a Christian’s favorite flower?
Jesus Rose.
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Why was the florist afraid of roses?
Quite honestly, she didn’t know where the fear stemmed from.
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What did the florist say to the customer who was trying to bargain over the price of the rose bouquet?
“Take it or leaf it bud!”
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What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
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What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
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Why would Sherlock Holmes make a good social media marketer?
Because he’s good at stalking other people.
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Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
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Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
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What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
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What kind of ears do trains have?
Engin-eers.
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What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
Toot-and-come-in.
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What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
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What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews.
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What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
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Why are dragons such good storytellers?
Because they have long tails.
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What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
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What’s a dragon’s favorite snack?
Fire-crackers.
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Why did the lawyer keep bringing popcorn to the courtroom?
They wanted to be a salty attorney.
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What do you call a lawyer who’s also a pirate?
A barracuda-talking sea attorney.
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What do you call a group of lawyers?
A lawsuit of attorneys.
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What do you call a lawyer who sings?
An opera attorney.
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What do you call a lawyer who practices in the morning?
A dawning attorney.
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How does an attorney sleep?
First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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What do you get when you cross the godfather with an attorney?
An offer you can’t understand.
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Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
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How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
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What do you call a bad electrician?
A shock absorber.
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What kind of car does an electrician drive?
A Volts-wagon.
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Why did the electrician marry his colleague?
He couldn’t resistor.
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Where do electricians get their supplies?
The Ohm Depot.
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What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
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Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
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What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?
Air conditioner.
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Why was the T-Rex Cafe always hiring?
No matter what, they always seemed a bit short handed.
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Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Café?
Chocolate Moose.
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Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
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Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
Because it had appeal.
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What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
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What did the client say when they saw the final ad concept?
“Can we make the logo bigger?”
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Why did the cactus join the orchestra?
Because it could play the prickle-o.
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What did the little cacti say to the big cactus when they were running away?
“Cactus if you can!”
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What do you call it when a whole bunch of cacti fall over?
A cac-tas-trophy.
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What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
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How does a tiger move a boat?
He uses roars.
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Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
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What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
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What is more exciting than baseball?
Acidball.
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Do you know where the Torah mentions baseball?
In the big inning.
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Who is the most non-acidic baseball player ever?
Al-Kaline.
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What are Pee Wee Herman’s favorite baseball teams?
The Expos and The Yankees.
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Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn’t handle the bars.
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Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
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What do you call a fasting camel?
Hump-less.
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What does Muslim Sonic say when Ramadan begins?
“Gotta go fast!”
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How do you call a cow in Ramadan?
A Mooslim.
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What do you call the end of Ramadan?
Ramadusk.
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Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?
They fast during Ramadan.
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What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
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What do you call a Muslim crocodile?
An Allahgator.
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Which rapper is the most acceptable to Muslims?
Halal Cool J.
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Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
To the peach.
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What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist?
It is a great peach of work.
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Where do you store peach juice?
Inside of a peach-er.
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Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave?
He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
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How is bacon like southern Europe?
It’s got a lot of Greece in it.
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What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?
Ancient Greece.
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What’s a sheep’s favorite holy text?
The Baa-ble.
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What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer?
A milk sheikh.
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Why is Patrick Star Arabic?
Because he lives under Iraq.
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Why don’t women in Arabic countries need car insurance?
Because they are already covered.
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Why are Saudi Arabians clueless?
Because they live under Iraq.
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How did the ghost get from New York to London?
British Scare-ways.
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Where do bad beavers go?
They’re dammed to hell.
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How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
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What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
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What do you call a grape that’s always getting into trouble?
A mis-grape.
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Why did the grape go to school?
To become a little wine-y!
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What do you call a grape that can perform juggle?
A grape-fruit.
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What is fruity and burns?
The Grape Fire of London.
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What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
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What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?
OLAY.
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Why did the Spanish Inquisition yank out people’s molars?
Because they wanted the tooth, the whole truth, so help them God.
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How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?
It uses Heinz sight.
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What do you call a half-baked joke?
A pun in the oven.
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What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
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What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
Me ghosta.
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Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
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How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
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Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
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What’s the difference between a physician and a preschool teacher?
One has a job with patients, the other has the patience of job.
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If lawyers learn at pre-law but doctors learn at pre-med, where do teachers learn?
Pre-school.
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Why was Portugal the best colonial power?
Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.
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What do you call an Italian mosquito?
Malario.
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What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
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Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
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What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda.
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What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
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Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth?
It’s meteor.
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If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it?
Raisin hell!
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Where do bowlers go when they need a new team shirt?
New Jersey.
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What excuse did the bowler give when he was accused of stealing?
“I was framed!”
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What did the plumber call his restroom?
A home office.
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What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
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What do you call a person from Portugal?
Portuguese.
What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?
Portugeezer.
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What do you call an extraterrestrial that speaks Portuguese?
A Brazalien.
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What’s a toilet on a Portuguese jetty called?
A porto potty.
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What do you call a Portuguese person all by themself?
A Portugoose.
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What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
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Why don’t they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
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Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike.
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Why did the eyeglasses walk into the classroom quietly?
They didn’t want to make a spectacle.
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Why was the glasses so expensive?
Because they were designer spectacles.
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Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
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Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn’t getting any hits.
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Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
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Why did the blood-sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic.
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Why is corn so popular on Thanksgiving?
Because it’s a-maize-ing.
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What’s one thing that you’ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
You’ll both be filled with stuffing.
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What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
“Wing, wing.”
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What’s something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?
A family member giving you the bird.
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Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
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What do you call rain on Turkey Day?
Fowl weather.
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Where did the Pilgrims stand after landing on Plymouth Rock?
On their feet.
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What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
“Quack! Quack!”
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What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Yammies.
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How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
He was very thinkful.
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What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
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Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
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What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
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What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
Fangs-giving.
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What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
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“Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner?”
“I yam what I yam.”
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Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
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What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
God save the kin.
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What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot.
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In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated?
Turkey.
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What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
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What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing.
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What’s Thanksgiving?
Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.
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What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G.
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What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?
Plump kin.
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Why are the cranberries red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
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Why wasn’t the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing.
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What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?
Grave-y!
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How would Ariana Grande break up with her boyfriend on Thanksgiving?
“Thank you, next.”
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Why are musical comedians never allowed to cook dinner during Thanksgiving?
Because they always burnham.
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What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?
24 Karat cakes.
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What kind of key is edible?
A turkey on Thanksgiving.
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Why was the Thanksgiving feast expensive?
It had 24 carrots!
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Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer?
Because he had the drumsticks!
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How are wives like Thanksgiving turkeys?
They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.
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Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme.
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Did you hear that I won the Thanksgiving turkey cookoff?
You butterball-ieve it.
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What is a bad bowler’s favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving because they finally get a turkey.
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When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In a dictionary.
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What’s a mathematician’s favorite part of Thanksgiving?
Pumpkin pi.
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What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?
“…This is the way.”
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What if the Indians would have given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey?
We’d all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.
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What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?
“Easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.”
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Did you hear about the guy who checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving?
He couldn’t quit cold turkey.
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What’s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
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Did you know that some say their favorite Thanksgiving food is pie?
It’s irrational.
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Why one should be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner?
A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.
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Why don’t the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?
Because they don’t like Turkey.
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What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?
We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.
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Why do some people not like a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys?
Because of fowl language.
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Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
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What can never be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
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Why do poets go to the zoo to use the restroom?
So they can poo in the loo at the zoo.
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What do you call bread baked by a poet?
Poet-rye.
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Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn’t use proper pun-ctuation.
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How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
An itsy bitsy book.
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What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
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Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn’t speak English.
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What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
“To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”
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What language do things that fly in the sky speak?
Plane English.
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Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he’ll bellowulf at you, then he’ll shakespeare.
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What does vikings call English villages?
Chopping centers.
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What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
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What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone.
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What’s the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night?
Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
Horror night is...
When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.
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Why do eggs like April Fools’ Day?
They love practical yolks.
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Which day is the worst to propose on?
April Fools’ Day.
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What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
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April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?
The silly goose!
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What is a prankster’s favorite toy?
Silly String.
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How is April Fools’ Day like a huge open mic night?
Millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
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What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
“April Fool! I’m not really dead!”
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What do you call it when you prank a person on Sunday?
Sabbathtoge.
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Why does Batman hate April Fools’ Day?
Because the Joker might be out!
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What do you call a streetcar that plays pranks on people?
A troll-ey.
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What do you call a leprechaun’s prank?
A St. Pat-trick!
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What did the mayo say after being pranked on April Fools’ Day?
“What the hellmann!”
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What happens to corny jokesters who get jailed on April Fools’ Day?
They go to the pun-itentiary.
😄 😄 😄
Why do scientists suck at pulling pranks on April 1st?
They lack the element of surprise.
😄 😄 😄
What is it called when shapes play pranks on each other?
Geometrick.
😄 😄 😄
What is a monkey’s favorite day of the year?
The first of Ape-ril.
😄 😄 😄
Where do you go on vacation on April 1st?
Niagara Fools.
😄 😄 😄
How do deer celebrate April Fool’s Day?
They pronk each other.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a hammer bought on April 1st?
April tool.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call the people born in April who aren’t particularly intelligent?
April fools.
😄 😄 😄
What did the victims of a month-delayed April Fools’ prank feel?
Dismay.
😄 😄 😄
What monster plays the most April Fools’ jokes?
Prankenstein!
😄 😄 😄
What did the first person to get April fooled say?
“Jesus! I thought you were dead!”
😄 😄 😄
What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?
Automobile.
😄 😄 😄
What would you call an unidentified object which landed in Australia?
Australien.
😄 😄 😄
What would you call a walking mosquito?
An itch-hiker.
😄 😄 😄
What would you call Israel if it disappeared away?
Wasreal.
😄 😄 😄
What would you call Santa if you found him at the South Pole?
A lost clause.
😄 😄 😄
If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?
Depends.
😄 😄 😄
Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?
Because otherwise, they’d be boxers.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the similarity between a fresh pair of shorts and a Bugatti bought by a shady businessman?
Both were laundered.
😄 😄 😄
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the accountant do so well in AA?
He was already a friend of bills.
😄 😄 😄
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese?
Mozzartrella.
😄 😄 😄
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t violins finish a crossword puzzle?
Because violins never solved anything.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the man who solved a puzzle in 10 minutes?
Even though the box said 2-4 years.
😄 😄 😄
Why do so many people like to do word puzzles in the bathroom?
Because it’s the best place for a vowel movement.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the world crossword puzzle champion who died?
He was buried six feet down and three feet across.
😄 😄 😄
How is the solution to the toilet paper shortage the same as the solution to a crossword puzzle?
One square at a time.
😄 😄 😄
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry?
Shrekspeare.
😄 😄 😄
You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe, who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say?
“Poetry!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
😄 😄 😄
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
😄 😄 😄
What happens if an owl doesn’t wash?
It smells fowl.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the owl ’owl?
Because the woodpecker would peck ’er.
😄 😄 😄
What’s an owl’s favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
😄 😄 😄
Britain’s most common owl?
The teatowel.
😄 😄 😄
Wife: “Do men wipe after they pee?”
Aging husband: “Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…”
😄 😄 😄
What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?
Bond. Gold Bond.
😄 😄 😄
What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?
Because he was a neck-romancer.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
😄 😄 😄
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers.
😄 😄 😄
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Ouch!
😄 😄 😄
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
😄 😄 😄
What farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the worst part about going to the doctor and being diagnosed with diabetes?
You don’t get a lollipop afterward.
😄 😄 😄
Why do diabetics always have nightmares?
They can’t have sweet dreams.
😄 😄 😄
What did Santa get the day after Christmas?
Diabetes.
😄 😄 😄
How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?
Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.
😄 😄 😄
What was the trickiest question on a diabetes website?
It asked if I would accept cookies.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t diabetics have vengeance?
Because vengeance is sweet.
😄 😄 😄
How does a broken ankle apologize?
“I’m sorry for being such a stumbling block.”
😄 😄 😄
What did one broken ankle say to the other?
“Let’s stay positive and get back on our feet!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the broken leg go to school?
It wanted to learn how to breakdance.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Taylor Swift bring a broken leg to her concert?
Because it wanted to experience firsthand the “break-up” songs she’s famous for.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dumb carnivore?
A meathead.
😄 😄 😄
How many non-vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer to stay in the dark.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?
A gastrophysicist.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the flu virus go to the theater?
It heard the play was infectious.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the flu go to the art exhibit?
It heard there was a lot of culture there.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the flu feeling down?
It didn’t feel like it was being taken snot-seriously.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a flu that became a musician?
Achoo-bacca.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t flu viruses use social media?
They prefer going viral in person.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the influenza virus break up with its girlfriend?
She was too cold to him.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a flying pig?
Swine flu.
😄 😄 😄
What does a sick ninja practice?
Kung flu.
😄 😄 😄
What does a nut with the flu sound like?
CAAAASHEW!
😄 😄 😄
What is the most common illness in China?
Kung Flu.
😄 😄 😄
How did the flu become so popular?
They promoted it using an influenza.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?
An immunicorn.
😄 😄 😄
As an MD, I gave my mother’s sister a flu shot.
Does that make me an auntie-vaxxer?
😄 😄 😄
Why do people think vampire always have the flu?
Because they be coffin all day.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?
Influen(zer).
😄 😄 😄
What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?
Peak Aboo.
And which one gives them a flu?
Peak Achoo.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the first sign that you have caught bird flu?
Fowl symptoms.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.
😄 😄 😄
What is an Indian’s favorite place to be?
Indiana.
😄 😄 😄
What do Indians, Pilgrims, and Puritans have in common?
The letter ‘I’.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wig warm.
😄 😄 😄
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape.
😄 😄 😄
How did a wife challenge her husband during his heart attack?
By asking for his phone’s passcode before calling 911.
😄 😄 😄
What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?
“911 is an inside job.”
😄 😄 😄
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
😄 😄 😄
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep.
😄 😄 😄
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It’s the depth charges.
😄 😄 😄
How is the submarine doing at school?
It’s below c-level.
😄 😄 😄
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
😄 😄 😄
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the roadrunner.
😄 😄 😄
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
😄 😄 😄
What is it that keeps roofing teams together?
Trussed.
😄 😄 😄
What type of construction are dogs good at?
Roofing.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the hardest part of the roofing business?
The overhead.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him?
It was an emergent sea.
😄 😄 😄
What is Bob Marley called on a motorbike?
Bob Harley.
😄 😄 😄
Why won’t my motorbike run?
Because it’s two tired.
😄 😄 😄
What motorbikes do ghosts prefer?
A boocati.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you mix a motorbike with a joke?
A Yamahaha.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the nun become an archaeologist?
She had a knack for digging up old habits.
😄 😄 😄
How many pretty girls are there at a monastery?
Nun.
😄 😄 😄
Why do nuns always wear black and white?
No particular reason, it’s just a habit they have.
😄 😄 😄
How did the Catholic priest finish the marathon?
He was second to nun.
😄 😄 😄
Why does it take so long for a nun to get her clothes?
It takes 21 days to make a habit.
😄 😄 😄
How many nuns are there in a temple?
Nun.
😄 😄 😄
What do nuns do?
Nunthing.
😄 😄 😄
How many Catholics can you fit in a habit?
Nun.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a nun with a drinking problem?
A bad habit.
😄 😄 😄
What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
A nun rolling down a hill.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call oyster nuns?
Cloisters.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sleep walking Nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a red, white and blue pie?
Pastry-otic.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the burger sad?
Because he had the blue cheese.
😄 😄 😄
Why was red in awe of orange?
Because orange blue green.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah, it blue up.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call cheese that is sad?
Blue cheese.
😄 😄 😄
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
😄 😄 😄
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
😄 😄 😄
What is red, white, and blue?
A sad candy cane.
😄 😄 😄
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad berry?
A blue-fruit.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the blue plane that crashed?
They said it was a skyblunder.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a blue jay with a parrot?
A bird with no identity.
😄 😄 😄
Why do people love blue jokes?
They’re so pun-derful.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blue people make bad singers?
They’re always feeling blue.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue paint cross the road?
To get to the other hue.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a blueberry’s favorite song?
Anything from the Blue Album by Weezer.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blueberries make bad employees?
They always end up getting the blues.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue-faced man get lost?
He was feeling blue and couldn’t find his way.
😄 😄 😄
What did the sky say to the ocean?
Nothing, they just had a blue period together.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blueberries get along with everyone?
They’re naturally blue-tiful.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?
“Hey, pal, want to blue me away?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Smurfs kick Papa Smurf out of their village?
He was giving them all the blues.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a depressed unicorn?
A blue-corn.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the sad blueberry?
It was feeling blue.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the blue alien that landed on Earth?
He had an out of this world.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue paint say to the red paint when they met?
“You’re looking rosy!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s a blue shoe?
A shoe with the blues.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
“Hallou-mi!”
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue crayon say to the yellow crayon?
“This isn’t cray-on you.”
😄 😄 😄
What did one blue eye say to the other?
Between us, something smells.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue square say to the red triangle?
“Hi-angle!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue marker shy away from the red marker?
It was a little shy-nero.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a blue owl?
A hoo-dini.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sneaky blue bean?
A navy bean.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue crayon say to the green crayon?
“You’re green-crayon me!”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blueberry always tired?
Because it was feeling a little blue-combed.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue paint brush say to the red paint brush?
“I blue you away.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue-colored fruit hide?
It was feeling blue.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a sad shade of blue?
Bereaved.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a depressed blue crayon?
Blue-tiful.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blue whales need computers?
To go on their whale-net.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue paint laugh at the brown paint?
Because he was blue-tiful.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blue marker sad?
Because its life was point-less.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a blue cat that likes to race?
A fast purrr-ple.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad little blue planet?
A gloom.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bluebird get kicked out of the forest?
Because it was a bird of pray.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the blue man who walked into a bar?
He was feeling quite cyan.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blue mold fired from the cheese factory?
Because it was too blue.
😄 😄 😄
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the police officers arrest the blue crayon?
Because it was in the blue.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue tie say to the little red dress?
“You go ahead, I’ll just hang around.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a group of blue whales?
A pod of blues.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blue-berry.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t sharks like to eat blue whales?
Because they’re all blubber and no beef.
😄 😄 😄
What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Where’s my watch?”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the hip bone so calm during surgery?
Because it knew everything would be alright.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a hip bone that’s late for surgery?
Hip-late.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a hipster’s favorite type of surgery?
A hip replacement.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a hip replacement’s favorite type of music?
Hip-hop.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a skeleton who just had hip surgery?
Hip-ster!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the hip bone go to the coffee shop?
Because it needed a little perk-me-up after surgery.
😄 😄 😄
How does a hip replacement like to relax?
By taking a joint vacation.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the orthopedic surgeon bring a radio into surgery?
Because he wanted to tune into the hip-est station.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the hip surgery patient bring a suit to the hospital?
Because he wanted to be hip and dapper during recovery.
😄 😄 😄
What did one hip replacement say to the other?
“You crack me up!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the planet Uranus join a band?
It wanted to planet self in rhythm.
😄 😄 😄
What did Uranus say to its moon?
“You have the right to remain in orbit, anything you say will be taken out of context!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?
Space Opera.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Uranus get kicked out of the library?
It was talking too much gas-babble.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite hobby?
Planet-ting.
😄 😄 😄
What did the other planets say to Uranus when it was feeling sad?
“Cheer up, life’s just a gas!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did Uranus become a rock star?
Because it’s always surrounded by gas.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Uranus so good at baseball?
Because it has a great orbit!
😄 😄 😄
What did Uranus say to Earth?
“You’re always following me around. Give me some space!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did Uranus go on a diet?
Because it wanted to be a little lighter and have that celestial glow!
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?
Gas-tronomic swirl.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut bring a joke book to Uranus?
To break the space ice.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of bread?
Gas-tly sourdough.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the spaceship bring a snack to Uranus?
It wanted to have a gas-tro picnic.
😄 😄 😄
What did the comet say when it visited Uranus?
“This place is a gas!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of weather?
Gas-tly winds.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the meteor break up with Uranus?
It felt like it was crashing and burning.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut challenge Uranus to a staring contest?
It wanted to see who had the most gravity.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the alien bring a gift to Uranus?
It wanted to show its appreciation for the atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the asteroid start a podcast with Uranus?
They wanted to rock the airwaves.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of vehicle?
Gas-guzzler.
😄 😄 😄
How does Uranus apologize for being late?
It blames it on its orbit.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the moon break up with Uranus?
It wanted someone with a brighter personality.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite subject?
Gas-tronomy.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut bring a ladder to Uranus?
To reach for the stars.
😄 😄 😄
What did the comet say to Uranus?
“You’re out of this world!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut go to therapy with Uranus?
It had too many emotional craters.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Uranus always invited to parties?
It knows how to break the ice.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite accessory?
A gas mask.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of humor?
Dark matter jokes.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the alien invite Uranus to the party?
It knew Uranus would bring the atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite comedy movie?
Guardians of the Gas-laxy.
😄 😄 😄
How does Uranus apologize?
It says “I’m sorry, I need some space”.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite party trick?
Its gas giant dance moves.
😄 😄 😄
What happens when a waffle gets mad?
It flips.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a car’s favorite meal?
Brake-fast.
😄 😄 😄
What is the definition of breakfast?
What a driver does when a light suddenly changes.
😄 😄 😄
What is dog’s favorite breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
😄 😄 😄
What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blueberry muffin.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blueberry muffin crumble?
It fell to pieces under pressure!
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blueberry muffin so sad?
It was feeling a little crumby.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blueberry muffin get a ticket?
It was berry speeding!
😄 😄 😄
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?
Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
😄 😄 😄
What makes nuts healthy?
They have many nut-rients.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects?
A con artist.
😄 😄 😄
What is the result of an art competition?
A draw.
😄 😄 😄
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bat walk in her pajamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
😄 😄 😄
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
😄 😄 😄
What does an owl need after taking a bath?
A t-owl.
😄 😄 😄
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain?
A peak experience.
😄 😄 😄
Why should you take a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains.
😄 😄 😄
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
😄 😄 😄
Why do pencils shave?
To look sharp.
😄 😄 😄
Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a Nest-cafe.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?
One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.
😄 😄 😄
What drink breaks the ice?
Flirt-Tea.
😄 😄 😄
What is the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the definition of Specimen?
An Italian astronaut.
😄 😄 😄
What is the definition of laziness?
The art of taking rest before getting tired. Because prevention is better than cure.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference in definition of complete vs. finished?
When you marry the right woman, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.
When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the 30-year-old throw a party with only one candle on the cake?
They didn’t want to set off the fire alarm with all those candles!
😄 😄 😄
How did the 30-year-old gardener celebrate their birthday?
By receiving a thirtree as a gift!
😄 😄 😄
How did the 30-year-old marathon runner celebrate their birthday?
By going the extra mile!
😄 😄 😄
What did the 30-year-old computer engineer say on his birthday?
“I’m just a byte older.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?
Phil Ming.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the registered nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?
Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.
😄 😄 😄
Why should you always be kind to registered nurses?
Remember that they choose your catheter size.
😄 😄 😄
What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
“Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do registered nurses bring a red crayon to work?
In case, they have to draw blood.
😄 😄 😄
How many registered nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they’ll delegate it to the nursing assistants, but they’ll check the vital signs just in case.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the registered nurse bring a ladder to work?
To take care of high blood pressure.
😄 😄 😄
Did you know Teslas don’t have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell.
😄 😄 😄
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
😄 😄 😄
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
😄 😄 😄
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy?
It was the wicked witch of rest.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between North Korea and the USA?
In North Korea, power passes from grandfather to grandson.
In the USA, power passes from grandfather to grandfather.
😄 😄 😄
What is Harry Potter’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
😄 😄 😄
How does a red panda flirt with her crush?
She gives them a bamboozling smile.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the red panda good at math?
It always knew how to add-bear the numbers.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the red panda bring a ladder?
It wanted to reach new heights-bear.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the red panda become an actor?
It had a panda-mic personality.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the red panda’s art exhibition?
It was panda-monium!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
😄 😄 😄
What did the red panda say after winning a race?
“I’m un-bear-ably fast!”
😄 😄 😄
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you will rise and shine!
😄 😄 😄
What’s a skunk’s philosophy of life?
Eat, stink, and be merry.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he’s a whywolf.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a pickle’s life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
😄 😄 😄
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor?
Rabbit De Niro.
😄 😄 😄
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
😄 😄 😄
Who are the biggest fans at the theater?
The backstage crew—they’re always giving props to the actors.
😄 😄 😄
Which actor is now being quarantined for swine flu?
Kevin Bacon.
😄 😄 😄
How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Depends on what it says in the script.
😄 😄 😄
Why do driving instructors make good physical therapists?
Because they can teach fine motor skills.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the physical therapist who asked his date to meet him at the gym?
She didn’t show up, and that’s when he knew they weren’t gonna work out.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the pig visit the physical therapist’s clinic?
It pulled a hamstring.
😄 😄 😄
Where do people in Egypt go for physical therapy?
To the Cairo-practor.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?
A chirotractor.
😄 😄 😄
What happened when the man went to the acupuncturist?
When he got home, his voodoo doll was dead.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a fat ghost’s biggest fear of physical therapists?
Being exercised.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t you trust acupuncture specialists?
They’ll always stab you in the back.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
😄 😄 😄
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
😄 😄 😄
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people’s houses?
They can’t find the key, and they don’t know when to come in.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the toilet paper in detention?
It was unraveling all the time!
😄 😄 😄
What did one roll of toilet paper say to the other?
“I’m feeling wiped out!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
He wanted to get to the bottom.
😄 😄 😄
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They’re always getting ripped off.
😄 😄 😄
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don’t know, it’s never happened.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
😄 😄 😄
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses?
Tulips.
😄 😄 😄
Where is happiness made?
At the satisfactory.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
😄 😄 😄
What killed the painter?
He had too many strokes.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a male buffalo?
A buffellow.
😄 😄 😄
What if a buffalo and baboon mated?
Their child would be a real buffoon.
😄 😄 😄
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
😄 😄 😄
Why are so many computer scientists atheists?
Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?
An ambulance!
😄 😄 😄
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom!
😄 😄 😄
What’s a terrorist’s favorite day in November?
Bomb fire night.
😄 😄 😄
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
“OK Boomer.”
😄 😄 😄
A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?”
I replied, “Kindergarten.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
😄 😄 😄
What did the grape say when the peanut butter tried to stick to it?
“Stop jammin me!”
😄 😄 😄
What is the official animal of National Pi Day?
The pi-thon.
😄 😄 😄
What did the skydiver say in autumn?
I love the fall.
😄 😄 😄
Why do trees drop their leaves in the fall?
It’s autumn-atic.
😄 😄 😄
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Egyptian architect go to jail?
He was caught planning a pyramid scheme.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between an architect and an engineer?
If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own.
If engineers built all the buildings, they’d be so ugly, we’d tear them all down.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a doctor and an architect?
An architect’s mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?
You can’t take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!
😄 😄 😄
How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama?
One Mississippi.
😄 😄 😄
Why do Troy State students have such beautiful noses?
They’re hand picked.
😄 😄 😄
Which country has the worst air force?
Turkey. None of them can fly.
😄 😄 😄
What do nuns call prison air conditioning?
A convent.
😄 😄 😄
What is the propeller used for on an airplane?
Many people do not know this, but is actually for air conditioning.
If you ever get to see it when the propeller stops, the pilot suddenly starts sweating.
😄 😄 😄
Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female?
Because they’re never wrong.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an aboriginal hanging in a tree?
Abocado.
😄 😄 😄
What do you say to an aborigine bloke from Australia who worked in I.T.?
“Do you come from a LAN down under?”
😄 😄 😄
Who were the first people in Australia to have a six-pack?
The Ab-originals.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an aboriginal in a lamp?
An abori-genie.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an aboriginal rolling down a hill?
Abolanche.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man with one leg?
Anything you want. He can’t run fast enough to catch you.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?
Lucky.
😄 😄 😄
What does a one-legged man call karate?
Partial Arts.
😄 😄 😄
Why do one-legged people like beer?
Because it’s made with hops.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Tai Wan Shu.
😄 😄 😄
On Teachers’ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?
To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.
😄 😄 😄
Where did the vampire teacher throw the Teachers’ Day party?
In Pencilvania.
😄 😄 😄
How was the cyclops so effective that she was awarded the best teacher award on Teachers’ Day?
She only had one pupil!
😄 😄 😄
How is Teachers’ Day, a day of rest?
The rest of the laundry, the rest of the housework, and grading the rest of the papers.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the teacher late for school on Teachers’ Day?
She took the Rhombus.
😄 😄 😄
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
😄 😄 😄
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk?
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
😄 😄 😄
Where is the flu most common?
In cities with high levels of congestion.
😄 😄 😄
Why do birds fly south for the fall?
Because it’s quicker than walking.
😄 😄 😄
What was the first animal in space?
The cow that jumped over the moon!
😄 😄 😄
My twin brothers dressed up as a bird this Halloween, guess what they said?
Trick or tweet.
😄 😄 😄
How does the solar system keep its pants from falling down?
It uses an asteroid belt.
😄 😄 😄
Why do brides cry at the wedding?
Because they never marry the best man.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday!
😄 😄 😄
What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?
By the time she got home, it was toast!
😄 😄 😄
Why do women like men with beards?
Because they immediately see something that they can change!
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away!
😄 😄 😄
What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
😄 😄 😄
Who should be your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
😄 😄 😄
Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to see how long he slept!
😄 😄 😄
What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?
Keep trying until you get a reaction.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in class?
Because the class was so bright!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says “Spit your gum out!” and the train says “Chew, chew!”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t fish like playing basketball?
They are terrified of nets.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t Romans find algebra interesting?
X is always 10.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make a small fortune out of horses?
Start with a large fortune.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the owner name his racehorse “Bad News”?
Because bad news travels fast.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the internet like a motor racing crash?
There are spoilers everywhere.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?
Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes!
😄 😄 😄
Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?
Because he was a German shepherd.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who falls overboard and can’t swim?
Bob.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lilly.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?
Frank.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?
Claude.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?
Phil.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?
Eve.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?
Lou.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?
Rob.
😄 😄 😄
Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?
Between you and I, something smells.
😄 😄 😄
I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?
Getting a scare-cut!
😄 😄 😄
Guess why football stadiums are so cool?
Most seats have a fan on them!
😄 😄 😄
Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?
A “B”.
😄 😄 😄
Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?
My ex!
😄 😄 😄
I won a wet T-shirt competition. Guess what I got?
Pneumonia!
😄 😄 😄
The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
😄 😄 😄
I was trying to solve a few equations about circles. Guess what?
It was pointless.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?
None – they gave up.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call London without electricity?
Londoff.
😄 😄 😄
What is the longest word in the English language?
“Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!
😄 😄 😄
Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?
His father was hard-boiled.
😄 😄 😄
Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!
😄 😄 😄
Why was the man with the big nose sad?
He could really smell his feet!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?
Birds are always perching on it!
😄 😄 😄
Why do anteaters never get colds?
Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!
😄 😄 😄
What’s worse than having a big nose?
Having a big nose and tiny hands!
😄 😄 😄
What do you do when you break your leg in two places?
Quit going to those two places!
😄 😄 😄
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning in the ocean?
He was just too far out, man.
😄 😄 😄
What does the sun drink out of?
Sun-glasses.
😄 😄 😄
How much is the moon worth?
One dollar, because it has four quarters.
😄 😄 😄
What dance do all astronauts know?
The moonwalk.
😄 😄 😄
Why does nobody trust the man on the moon?
He has a dark side.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Ms. Moon split up with Mr. Sun?
He never wanted to go out with her at night.
😄 😄 😄
Which is older, the moon or the sun?
The moon, because it can stay out all night.
😄 😄 😄
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you pick a green alien for your baseball team?
They’re not ripe yet.
😄 😄 😄
What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?
The space bar.
😄 😄 😄
If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?
Fleas.
😄 😄 😄
Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?
Because it has got less calories.
😄 😄 😄
Why do aliens not eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?
A Ford Siesta.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a shekel!
😄 😄 😄
Why are synagogues round?
So the Jews can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.
😄 😄 😄
Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!
😄 😄 😄
How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
The players don’t yell “Fore!” they yell “$3.99!”.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a Jews favorite band?
Nickelback.
😄 😄 😄
In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
When it graduates from medical school.
😄 😄 😄
Why do Jews have big noses?
Because the air is free.
😄 😄 😄
How does every racist joke start?
By looking over your shoulder!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
😄 😄 😄
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
😄 😄 😄
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!
😄 😄 😄
How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They’re all girls! If they were boys, they’d be uncles.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy bear.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
A tire.
😄 😄 😄
Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
😄 😄 😄
Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?
If he raises them both, he’d fall down.
😄 😄 😄
What do you have against some people?
Well… for example, knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenades…
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
😄 😄 😄
What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?
Mario Sunburnt!
😄 😄 😄
What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?
Turn into bacon.
😄 😄 😄
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
😄 😄 😄
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
😄 😄 😄
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
😄 😄 😄
Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
😄 😄 😄
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?
Inflation.
😄 😄 😄
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the moon constantly moody?
She’s just going through a phase.
😄 😄 😄
What insect comes from the moon?
A luna tick!
😄 😄 😄
What is the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moon-day!
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.
😄 😄 😄
When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When you’re a mouse.
😄 😄 😄
Why are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them!
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t mummies have friends?
Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
😄 😄 😄
Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey—he’s always stuffed.
😄 😄 😄
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?
Santa walking backwards!
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?
He only had two worms.
😄 😄 😄
Which king liked to do things on his own?
Solo-mon.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the cat like eating lemons?
Because he was a sourpuss.
😄 😄 😄
Why are cats better than babies?
Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
😄 😄 😄
What does a cat have that no other animal has?
Kittens.
😄 😄 😄
Why do cats always win video games?
Because they have nine lives!
😄 😄 😄
Why do cats hate laptops?
They don’t have a mouse.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?
Because they can’t find the number eleven on their phone.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
You tell her a joke on Wednesday.
😄 😄 😄
Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?
Because there is a hole in one.
😄 😄 😄
Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?
They always forget to take off the candles.
😄 😄 😄
How does the German baker greet his customers?
Gluten Morgen!
😄 😄 😄
Can a dog jump higher than a house?
Well, duh. Houses can’t jump.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!
😄 😄 😄
Why are colds bad criminals?
Because they’re easy to catch.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
😄 😄 😄
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
😄 😄 😄
