Enjoy our team's carefully selected Pun Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office.
I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said, “No, this is light.”
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Person 1: “I like Eminem.”
Person 2: “Well, I prefer Skittles.”
Person 1: “No, I meant the rapper.”
Person 2: “Why would you eat the wrapper?”
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Johnny was a preschool student who did not know grammar or math very well.
While in class, his teacher asked, “What’s 2+2?”
Johnny answered, “I four-get.”
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A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port in France and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places.
“Oui, monsieur. What is the destination port for this load?”
“I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil.”
“Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal?”
“Why is that, sir?”
“If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese, of course!”
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A monocle walks into a bar.
After a few drinks, he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him.
“Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don’t allow smoking in here. You’ll have to step outside to smoke.”
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile, a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled.
They try to get free, but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head.
“Hey, you two!” he shouts. “Stop making spectacles of yourselves!”
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What did the apple teacher say to her student?
“Help me orange the chairs please!”
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The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”
And the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
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My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says “Oh, do it yourself!”.
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I just walked past a man in shorts carrying a really long stick and I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said, “No, I’m German, how did you know my name was Walter?”
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A man walks up to the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks, “How did you get here?”
The man answers, “Flu.”
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Friend: “Where were you?”
Me: “I got sick and had to rush to the doctor.”
Friend: “Flu?”
Me: “Nah, just drove really fast.”
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A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there, he’s instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, “What’s this supposed to do, cure me!”
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“The word of the day is ‘contagious’,” said the teacher. “Who can use it in a sentence?”
Little Jenny stood up and said, “My dad has a cold and said it’s contagious.”
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said, “Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think it’s contagious.”
Happy with Billy’s response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up, “Miss, my next door neighbor is painting his house with a 1-inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.”
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John thought he could never catch an illness.
When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly”.
A few months later, it finally happened.
The swine flu.
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“Doctor, Doctor, I think I’ve got the swine flu.”
“Here’s an oinkment to make it better.”
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Guy outside: “911! 911!”
Guy inside: “What’s going on out there? Why are you yelling 911?”
Guy outside: “Emerge and see!”
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Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.”
Dispatcher: “Do you have an address?”
Caller: “No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?”
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So I was driving on the free way today when I got cut off by an ambulance. All of a sudden, one of the back doors swung open, and a cooler popped out and rolled out to the shoulder.
I stopped and picked it up. I opened it and found what looked to be a severed toe. I immediately called 911.
The operator said, “911, what’s your emergency?”
I said, “Yes, I was driving behind an ambulance and a cooler with a severed toe fell out! If you can please inform me what hospital it’s going to, I can deliver it right now!”
The operator replied, “I’m sorry sir, but you can’t transport that. You need a specially certified vehicle to do so.”
I asked, “What kind of vehicle would that be?”
The operator said, “A toe-truck!”
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A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.
After a while of, the doctor asks: “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an archeologist,” she answers.
The doctor responds: “Then I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”
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Adam meets a witch.
The witch tells him: “Tell me I am pretty, or you will be cursed!”
Adam: “Sorry, but I don’t find you attractive.”
Witch: “Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed!
Adam: “Nope. You’re hideous.”
The witch then transformed him into an ant.
Witch: “Look where your rudeness brought you!”
Adam: “Yeah, this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato.”
Witch: “Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!”
He is still adamant.
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Registered nurse: “Sorry for the wait!”
Man: “It’s alright, I’m patient.”
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Two flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other, “You’d better pick up your game, Louie, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.”
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An ant approaches an elephant and asks, “Would you like to play?”
“Sure,” replies the elephant.
“So, what’s your favorite game?” the ant inquires.
“Squash,” says the elephant.
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I bought a chessboard cake from the baker’s today.
I took one bite and said, “It’s stale, mate.”
He seemed surprised and said, “No, mate.”
I handed it to him and said, “Check mate.”
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A boxer was throwing nothing but right hooks at a punching bag.
His trainer walked up and asked, “What gives?”
The boxer replied, “I’m exercising my rights.”
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Broccoli looks into the trunk of his car.
He sees an extra tire and exclaims, “Oh! I have a-spar-a-gus!”
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Customer: “Waiter! Waiter! What is the moldy stuff?”
Waiter: “That’s a bean taco.”
Customer: “I’m sure it’s been a taco, but what is it now?!?”
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A newborn pony walks into a pharmacy.
He asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any Cepacol lozenges? I’m a little hoarse.”
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A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.
The hot dog says, “I’ve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.”
The hamburger replies, “Please, beef frank.”
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A guy claims to have made a 20 lb hot dog.
A butcher says, “Ah, that’s bologna.”
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The hot dog asked his friend, “Have you been to the German nightclub yet?”
His friend hadn’t, it was too krauted.
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A yam and a hot dog are having a heart-to-heart.
Yam: “Can I be candied with you?”
Hot dog: “In that case, let me be frank.”
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One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night.
It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon.
Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted by the noises of the deceased chickens.
We had a poultrygeist.
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An Alien visited the Solar system and ate Jupiter.
When asked how it was the Alien replied simply:
“Gastronomical.”
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A Korean martial artist was giving away chocolate bars.
I asked if I could have 2.
He said, “No, you can taek-won-do.”
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Son: “Hey dad, can you guess what is worse than no moon?”
Dad: “No sun?”
Son: “You don’t even want to take a guess?”
Dad: “No sun!”
Son: “You’re so stubborn, the answer is no sun.”
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As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
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An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment.
They are wanted for dessertion.
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“Man, my sinuses are on fire!”
“An allergy?”
“No, a metaphor.”
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My brother wanted a dinosaur as a gift for his birthday.
Then I told him, “They’re all extinct.”
Hearing that, he said, “No, I don’t want a stinky dinosaur.”
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My 2 year old sister’s stinky feet were smelling like cheese.
My dad was wondering what happened, so I told him that she had chee-toes.
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There was a company that sent people to everyone’s homes and claimed that they could track you from your smell.
But they couldn’t do that without your con-scent.
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There was a bad smell coming from a dumpster.
So, my mother made my sister burn some spices to cover it.
She used pap-reek-her.
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I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party.
Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.
“No one does that to a woman, not on my watch!”
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An anteater walks into a bar.
“Having a nice day?” asks the barman.
“Noooooooo, noooooo, noooooo!” says the anteater.
“Why the long nos?” asks the barman.
“It’s always been like this,” says the anteater.
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Two leprechauns are in the forest and one starts eating mushrooms, so the other one says to him, “Are you having fun, Gus?”
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A mushroom walks up to a tomato and asks him out on a date.
As the evening wears on, the tomato is just sitting there, not saying much and looking miserable.
“What’s wrong?” the mushroom says. “Aren’t you enjoying yourself?”
“I guess I’m just not a fun-gi,” says the tomato.
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Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said, “You’re brilliant, what’s the band called?”
They replied, “We are the Champignons, my friend.”
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Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table. One more asked to join.
One of them said, “Sorry there is not mush-room.”
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So a mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here. You’re always ruining jokes.”
The mushroom says, “Come on. I’m a fun-gi.”
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Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms...
Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong morel fiber.
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Two mushrooms were talking about politics.
One mushroom said, “I think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”
The other said, “That’s a shiitake.”
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A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.
After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.
The morel of the story... killed him.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve swallowed my money!”
Doctor: “Take this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.”
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My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year.
He said he’ll be wearing the same kilt as the groom.
I love the idea, but I’m really not sure how they’re both going to fit into it.
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I said to my wife, “Did you hear my last pun?”
She replied, “I hope so!”
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asked him, “Why the long face?”
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I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.
He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.
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