Enjoy our team's carefully selected Profession Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What are a school teacher’s three favorite words?
June, July, and August.
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What do you call a striker playing a June match?
A spring forward.
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I asked the hairdresser if she ever gave a henna rinse.
She said, “No, but I once gave a duck a bath.”
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What’s a hairdresser’s favorite Christmas song?
“Oh, comb all ye faithful...”
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How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
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Did you hear about the hairdresser?
She dyed.
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Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
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What do you call three Irish lumberjacks?
Tree fellers.
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How does a carpenter order 5 beers?
With 2 hands.
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When does a farmer dance?
When he drops the beet.
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How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar?
They both use drills.
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Why shouldn’t you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he’ll try to spike all the drinks.
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How many social media marketers does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s not about the change, it’s about engaging people in conversations about the light bulb change.
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Why would Sherlock Holmes make a good social media marketer?
Because he’s good at stalking other people.
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Why don’t marketers make good chefs?
Because they’re too obsessed with serving ads rather than actual cooking.
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Some local engineers took a train for a service.
But the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
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I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed.
He said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
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What kind of ears do trains have?
Engin-eers.
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Why did the lawyer keep bringing popcorn to the courtroom?
They wanted to be a salty attorney.
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The attorney kept trying to sue the car dealership over their faulty vehicles.
It was a case of lemon-law.
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What do you call a lawyer who’s also a pirate?
A barracuda-talking sea attorney.
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What do you call a group of lawyers?
A lawsuit of attorneys.
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What do you call a lawyer who sings?
An opera attorney.
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What do you call a lawyer who practices in the morning?
A dawning attorney.
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An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years.
A competent attorney can delay one even longer.
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How does an attorney sleep?
First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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What do you get when you cross the godfather with an attorney?
An offer you can’t understand.
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Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
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How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
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What do you call a bad electrician?
A shock absorber.
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What kind of car does an electrician drive?
A Volts-wagon.
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Why did the electrician marry his colleague?
He couldn’t resistor.
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Where do electricians get their supplies?
The Ohm Depot.
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What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
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Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
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What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?
Air conditioner.
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An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office.
I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said, “No, this is light.”
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How does a social media marketer stay cool during a crisis?
They just keep refreshing their feed until it blows over.
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Why does it take marketers so long to order a pizza?
Because they have to run A/B tests to choose the best toppings.
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Why do marketers hate trampoline parks?
Because the bounce rate is so high!
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Why would marketers make good football players?
Because they’re good at “converting” opportunities.
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What’s a marketer’s favorite drink?
Brand-y.
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What do you call a rapper that smells nice?
Post Cologne.
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What do you call a rapper wearing a wig?
2pée.
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Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn’t handle the bars.
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Husband: “I got a package with bullets and Arabic note today.”
Wife: “Idiot! These are suppositories and the note from the doctor!”
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What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer?
A milk sheikh.
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I seek to promote the welfare of a certain baked dish.
I’m a flanthropist.
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What’s the difference between a physician and a preschool teacher?
One has a job with patients, the other has the patience of job.
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Where do bowlers go when they need a new team shirt?
New Jersey.
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What excuse did the bowler give when he was accused of stealing?
“I was framed!”
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Bowlers do not make good employees.
This is because 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
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Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
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What did the plumber call his restroom?
A home office.
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A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.
The farmer says, “Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses.”
The policeman says, “Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse’s ass?”
The farmer says, “Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing.”
The policeman says, “Well, that’s a good thing, then.”
The farmer adds, “But it’s hard to fool those circle flies.”
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The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
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What did the apple teacher say to her student?
“Help me orange the chairs please!”
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Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
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The physics student asks to go to the bathroom. Professor asks, “Liquid, Solid or Gas?”
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A physics student asks his teacher, “Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?”
The teacher answers, “Let me see if I can pull some strings for you.”
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A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes, “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice, he answered, “A lawyer!”
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The crosseyed history teacher could not control her pupils.
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When the history teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said:
“Need Tudoring?”
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When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren’t paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, “Don’t you understand the gravity of this situation!”
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When the student asked the history teacher what questions would be there for the history exam, she answered “The past”.
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Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.
He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson’s Nails.
“Give me a week,” says the friend, “and I’ll be back with an ad.”
A week goes by, and the marketing executive comes to see Benson. He opens his laptop and presses play:
A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, “Use Benson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”
Benson goes mad, shouting, “What is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!”
Another week goes by, and the marketing man comes back to see Benson with another ad.
He turns his laptop around and hits play. This time, the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, “Benson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”
Benson is beside himself, “You don’t understand: I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.”
A week passes, and Benson waits impatiently.
The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them stops, turns to the camera, and says, “If only we had used Benson’s Nails!”
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Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
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Don’t ever attend Thanksgiving with a group of comedians.
They’ll never stop roasting the turkey.
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Why are musical comedians never allowed to cook dinner during Thanksgiving?
Because they always burnham.
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Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme.
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What is a bad bowler’s favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving because they finally get a turkey.
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What’s a mathematician’s favorite part of Thanksgiving?
Pumpkin pi.
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great poet.
When asked to define “great”, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, no, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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What do you call bread baked by a poet?
Poet-rye.
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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a gorgeous blond in a bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits, and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blond in an even more outrageous bikini, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father. Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said, “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”
“Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you’re not allowed to end a sentence with a preposition.
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How is April Fools’ Day like a huge open mic night?
Millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
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Why do scientists suck at pulling pranks on April 1st?
They lack the element of surprise.
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A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.
The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?”
The witness: “Yes, sir.”
The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”
The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.”
The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?”
The witness: “Because when the accident happened, I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”
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If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?
Depends.
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What’s the similarity between a fresh pair of shorts and a Bugatti bought by a shady businessman?
Both were laundered.
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Why did the accountant do so well in AA?
He was already a friend of bills.
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The barman in the pub looked over at me and said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?”
“Why would I want two empty glasses?” I asked.
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What is a pianist’s favorite cheese?
Mozzartrella.
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Why was the poet teaching at a prison so happy?
She had a captive audience.
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Recently, I’ve started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.
It’s a tough job, but I enjoy it.
It really has its prose and cons.
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What’s the worst part about going to the doctor and being diagnosed with diabetes?
You don’t get a lollipop afterward.
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I asked a window cleaner if he liked his job.
He said he could see himself doing windows every day.
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If you were to clean a vacuum, would you be a vacuum cleaner?
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When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?
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What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?
A gastrophysicist.
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A guy’s wife and kids all came down with the flu.
Upon returning home from the doctor’s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.
She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, “Three days?! The doctor can’t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!” Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, “If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?”
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As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.
But let me give it a shot.
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The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.
The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.
Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it.
His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.
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How did the flu become so popular?
They promoted it using an influenza.
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What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?
Influen(zer).
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“Doctor, Doctor, I think I’ve got the swine flu.”
“Here’s an oinkment to make it better.”
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Recently, a routine Yakama police patrol parked outside Pete’s tavern. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a young tribal man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy. Aye!!! Old tribal trick enit!!!”
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A blonde’s neighbor’s house was on fire, so she called 911.
The blonde told the operator, “My neighbor’s house is on fire!”
The operator asked, “Where are you?”
The blonde answered, “At my house”.
The operator replied, “No, I’m asking how do we get there?”
The blonde said, “In a firetruck, duh!”
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Dev was a coder and wanted to marry a girl, but his parents opposed.
DEVELOPED.
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Why do programmers and coders hate nature?
It has too many bugs.
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Why didn’t the polite coder get hired?
The job required SASS.
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What does a coder do when he’s tired of life?
He writes byebyeworld.c.
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What did the coder say to his coder girlfriend?
You had me at “hello world”.
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Why do coders get Halloween confused with Christmas?
Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.
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I once saw a couple of coders get into a fight.
It was so vicious, they almost made physical contact.
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What is messy coder’s blood group?
Type O.
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Why do java coders wear glasses?
Because they don’t C#.
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Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
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My roofing business is having a great promotion right now.
If you buy one roof, the next one is on the house.
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What is it that keeps roofing teams together?
Trussed.
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The phone rang at my work.
My boss asked, “Why don’t you answer it?”
I said, “I’ll let it ring for a while. That way they’ll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.”
My boss shouted, “ANSWER IT NOW!”
I picked up the phone and said, “911, what’s the emergency?”
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Why can’t Lionel Messi be a gardener?
Because he can’t handle the corners.
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Why did the nun become an archaeologist?
She had a knack for digging up old habits.
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How did the Catholic priest finish the marathon?
He was second to nun.
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A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, “The curlers are on me.”
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Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas.
As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them, noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help.
When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or a can.
Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan.
He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck, and waved goodbye.
While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by.
He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, “Sisters, somehow I don’t think that’s going to work, but I sure do admire your faith.”
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Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads.
One said, “My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song, and they pay him 50 bucks.”
“Oh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem, and they pay him 100 bucks.”
“That’s nothing,” said the third kid. “My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon, and it takes six people to collect all the money!”
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The orthopedic doctor was feeling a bit patella-tive after a long day of surgeries.
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My orthopedic surgeon has the bone-dacity to tell jokes during surgery.
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When the rapper needed surgery, he got a hip-hop replacement.
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Why did the orthopedic surgeon bring a radio into surgery?
Because he wanted to tune into the hip-est station.
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Why did the dyslexic mathematician go to rehab?
He was struggling with addition.
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I met a girl last night and after so flirting asked her if she wanted to come home with me to play “Doctor”.
So when we got to my place, I left her sitting on my couch with a bunch of outdated magazines on the end table for 2 1/2 hours before I came out of my bedroom.
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A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.
After a while of, the doctor asks: “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an archeologist,” she answers.
The doctor responds: “Then I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”
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What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?
Error in connecting to the server.
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Traffic policeman: “Didn’t you hear my whistle, madam?”
Woman driver: “Yes, but I don’t like flirting while I’m driving.”
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How did the 30-year-old gardener celebrate their birthday?
By receiving a thirtree as a gift!
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How did the 30-year-old marathon runner celebrate their birthday?
By going the extra mile!
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What did the 30-year-old computer engineer say on his birthday?
“I’m just a byte older.”
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A farmer named Rick had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Rick. “Didn’t you say, at the moment of the accident, ‘I’m fine’,” asked the lawyer?
Rick responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...”
“I did not ask you for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”
Rick said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road.”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Rick’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”
Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said ‘how are you feeling?’. Now, what the heck would YOU say?”
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Why did the registered nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?
Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.
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To her credit, the registered nurse that prepped my father for his vasectomy was very gentle and pretty sure she didn’t mean to be unkind.
But he didn’t think it was very nice of her to say, “Just a little prick, sir.”
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Why should you always be kind to registered nurses?
Remember that they choose your catheter size.
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What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
“Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.”
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What do elves and registered nurses have in common?
They both do all the work and one guy in an oversized coat gets all the credit.
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Why do registered nurses bring a red crayon to work?
In case, they have to draw blood.
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How many registered nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they’ll delegate it to the nursing assistants, but they’ll check the vital signs just in case.
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Why did the registered nurse bring a ladder to work?
To take care of high blood pressure.
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A man came storming out of the courthouse, ranting and raving, obviously really angry.
He stomped across the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, “Asshole attorneys”.
The man next to him recoiled in outrage, saying, “I want you to know I highly resent that remark”.
“Why, are you an attorney?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
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I love how all these young YouTubers are getting into Classic Rock.
They are always telling everyone “Don’t forget to like Cher, and subscribe.”
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Which demon is the average YouTuber most afraid of?
Demonetization.
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Why are all these YouTubers asking me to like Cher?
Is it her birthday or something?
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An actor suffering from dementia just hit my car. I got him arrested.
As he was getting arrested, he kept saying, “Do you know who I am?!”
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Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
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An actor I know fell through the floor recently.
It’s just a stage he was going through.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Depends on what it says in the script.
😄 😄 😄
A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.”
A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.”
A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.
The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.”
The other guy says, “Things are great, the bartender helped me.”
Psychiatrist, “The bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?”
The other guy says, “He told me to saw the legs off my bed.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do driving instructors make good physical therapists?
Because they can teach fine motor skills.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the physical therapist who asked his date to meet him at the gym?
She didn’t show up, and that’s when he knew they weren’t gonna work out.
😄 😄 😄
Where do people in Egypt go for physical therapy?
To the Cairo-practor.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?
A chirotractor.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a fat ghost’s biggest fear of physical therapists?
Being exercised.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t you trust acupuncture specialists?
They’ll always stab you in the back.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
😄 😄 😄
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
😄 😄 😄
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people’s houses?
They can’t find the key, and they don’t know when to come in.
😄 😄 😄
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art dealer: “I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them.”
Painter: “Wow! What’s the bad news?”
Art dealer: “He was your doctor.”
😄 😄 😄
A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.
The patients are going all crazy in the cargo, playing a soccer with an invisible ball.
The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes in the back to make them stop the noise.
They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.
The pilot asks the copilot to give it a shot at calming the patients down.
The copilot goes in the back, the noise stops, and he returns to the cabin.
Half an hour later, the plane is quiet.
The pilot is impressed and asks the copilot how he did it.
The copilot replies, “I told them: Soccer is not allowed indoors. You have to take it outside.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the cool roofer stop hanging out with his friends?
He realized they were squares.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear the one about the roofer with the perfect safety record?
He never had a shingle accident.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the roofing company fire the roofer who went to the bathroom too often?
His waste factor was too high.
😄 😄 😄
I’m thinking of taking up acting.
Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?
😄 😄 😄
A group of computer scientists walk into a restaurant and ask for a table for 4.
The waitress replies, “But sir, there are 5 of you.”
The computer scientist says, “No, look, there are 4 of us, see! 0...1...2...3...4...”
😄 😄 😄
Why are so many computer scientists atheists?
Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.
😄 😄 😄
A group of engineers and computer scientists from the same university are attending a conference in the next town. They decide to take the train.
The engineers buy one ticket each. The computer scientists scratch their heads, pool their cash, and buy a single ticket.
The engineers think this is strange but watching computer scientists get in trouble should be fun.
The conductor comes around to get the tickets, and all the computer scientists disappear into the bathroom.
The conductor knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket please.”
They slide the ticket under the door, pool their savings, have a few drinks and arrive at the conference in good form.
On the way home, the engineers buy a single ticket. The computer scientists pool their money and buy all the tickets except one. The engineers scratch their heads, but decide not to worry about it and head to the bar.
The conductor comes around, and the engineers pile into the bathroom.
The computer scientist without a ticket promptly walks over to the bathroom, knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do computer scientists get confused between Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
😄 😄 😄
I was stuck in traffic outside Washington, DC this morning. No one was moving at all.
Then this guy knocked on my window.
I rolled it down and said, “What’s happening?”
He said, “Terrorists have taken the entire US Congress hostage, and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if they’re not paid a 100 million dollar ransom. We’re going from car to car collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving?” I asked.
He said, “About a gallon.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
😄 😄 😄
A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes, “I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane,” he explained, “and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort.”
Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane.
“How come you changed your theory?” he asked.
“Oh, I didn’t change my theory, it’s just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s a terrorist’s favorite day in November?
Bomb fire night.
😄 😄 😄
What is a Guitarist’s Favorite Snack?
String cheese.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a folk guitarist?
A rock guitarist can play all night without tuning, and folk guitarist can tune all night without playing.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a guitarist’s favor type of cheese?
Shredded cheese.
😄 😄 😄
How many bass guitarists do you need to change a lightbulb?
One. But the guitarist has to show him how to do it first.
😄 😄 😄
Why are bass guitarists always safe?
Because they stay out of treble.
😄 😄 😄
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
10. 1 to change the lightbulb and the other 9 to say “I could do that”.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a YouTuber’s side job?
Uber.
😄 😄 😄
What disease did the YouTuber contract?
Influenza.
😄 😄 😄
How many viola players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They can’t reach that high.
😄 😄 😄
My wife stopped me on the way out the door with my viola case in hand.
Wife: “Where do you think you’re going?”
Me: “I got a gig.”
Wife: “A gig? I thought all your gigs got canceled?”
Me: “I got a new one.”
Wife: “Who hires a violist when we’re all quarantined?”
Me: “The health department. They want me to walk down the street playing my viola to get everyone to run inside and shut their windows.”
😄 😄 😄
A viola player goes into a music shop.
The shop assistant asks what he would like.
The viola player says, “Well, I’ve been playing the viola for years and I’m getting really tired of everyone pointing and laughing and acting like I don’t know the first thing about music, so I’m thinking about taking up another instrument.”
“Do you know what you’d like to play?” asks the assistant.
The viola player says, “I’m not sure yet. Is it all right if I have a look around for a while?”
Of course the assistant says that would be just fine.
So after ten minutes or so the viola player comes up to the desk and says, “I think I’ve made my decision. I’d like to buy the bagpipes you have by the door, and the big white accordion.”
The assistant says, “Let me just go and see the manager.” He goes and sees the manager.
He comes back and says, “The manager says you can have the fire extinguisher for £49.99, but the radiator’s not for sale.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
😄 😄 😄
A trucker gets lost one day and as luck would have it he comes to a low bridge and gets stuck under it. The cars are backed up for miles behind him.
Eventually, a cop car pulls up. The cop gets out and walks around to the truck driver.
He puts his hands on his hips and says to him, “Got stuck huh, sir?”
The trucker replies, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
😄 😄 😄
As I was driving to work this morning, this truck driver swerved right through the traffic, cutting up the other road users before smashing into the back of a car.
On the back of his truck was a sign saying, “How am I driving?”.
I thought to myself, “I’ve got no idea either.”
😄 😄 😄
How did the farmer find his lost cow?
He tractor down.
😄 😄 😄
What do farmers use to make crop circles?
A pro-tractor.
😄 😄 😄
Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor.
The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor.
This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, “There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit.”
After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor’s son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.
Perplexed, he asked, “Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?”
“It’s very simple,” replied the tailor, “The other tailor has two sons.”
😄 😄 😄
A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived, but was having difficulty finding a new home.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the real estate agent.
He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, “How many children do you have?”
He answered, “12 children.”
The agent asked, “Where are the others?
The lawyer answered, with a sad look, “They are in the cemetery with their mother.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the real estate agent fail to sell the house next to a horse stable?
Because his clients were worried about the neigh-bors.
😄 😄 😄
What does a British real estate agent care most about?
His proper tea.
😄 😄 😄
I started to get really worried about climate change when I was house shopping, and my real estate agent used the phrase:
“Potential Water Front Property”
😄 😄 😄
An old man was on his deathbed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor, and his real estate agent to his bedside.
“Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”
“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor. “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.”
The real estate agent was aghast, “I’m ashamed of both of you, I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”
😄 😄 😄
I used to be a plumber.
But then all of my confidence went down the drain.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
😄 😄 😄
What do plumbers, garbage men, and economists all have in common?
They all deal with gross domestic product.
😄 😄 😄
I had to give up my job as a plumber.
It was just too draining.
😄 😄 😄
A prominent lawyer calls a plumber to fix a leak in his shower.
After about 25 minutes, the plumber hands him a bill for $200.00.
The lawyer, enraged, says, “I’m a famous trial lawyer, and even I don’t make that kind of money for 25 minutes of work!”
“Neither did I when I was a lawyer”, says the plumber.
😄 😄 😄
An engineer, a scientist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland, when they see a lone black sheep in a field.
The engineer says, “What do you know, it looks like the sheep around here are black.”
The scientist looks at him skeptically and replies, “Well, at least SOME of them are.”
The mathematician considers this for a moment and replies, “Well, at least ONE of them is.”
Then the philosopher turns to them and says, “Well, at least ON ONE SIDE.”
😄 😄 😄
Dean to the physics department:
“Why do I always have to give you guys so much money for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff? Why couldn’t you be more like the math department—all they need is pencils, paper, and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper.”
😄 😄 😄
What do waitresses and chemists have in common?
They both need to check the table periodically.
😄 😄 😄
How does a physical chemist wash their glassware?
They get an organic chemist to do it.
😄 😄 😄
Things I learned in organic chemistry:
How to draw hexagons.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the chemistry teacher who specializes in organic chemistry lead a troublesome life?
Because he often finds himself in alkynes of trouble.
😄 😄 😄
I asked my organic chemistry teacher what kinds of jokes he likes.
He said, “Alkynes”.
😄 😄 😄
How many marketers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they’ve automated it.
😄 😄 😄
Why do cab drivers make good content marketers?
They can really drive in traffic.
😄 😄 😄
What is the definition of a farmer?
Someone is good in their field.
😄 😄 😄
What did the farmer say to his workers on Labor Day?
“I don’t carrot all, take the day off and lettuce celebrate!”
😄 😄 😄
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
😄 😄 😄
Who’s a hairdresser’s favorite musical artist?
Harry Styles.
😄 😄 😄
What’s black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A guitarist who’s told too many drummer jokes.
😄 😄 😄
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?
All of them, evidently.
😄 😄 😄
How do you know someone is a good guitar player?
He’ll tell you.
😄 😄 😄
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to do it, and four to say “I can do that”.
😄 😄 😄
What do truckers celebrate in December?
The haul-idays.
😄 😄 😄
A cricketer walks into a hospital with blood pouring out of his eyes.
The doctor says, “Ebola?”
And the cricketer replies, “Nah, I’m a batsman.”
😄 😄 😄
Four men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.
The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says, “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”
The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says, “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing of the club is a calculated symphony of body mechanics; the mental fortitude you need is unreal!”
The third man, adorned in a gray peacoat, says, “Gentleman, I have played in chess tournaments across 3 continents, and I can assure you that chess is the most difficult sport of all. You need to memorize and recall 30,000 moves before you can even face a college team!”
They all drink and then turn their attention to the fourth man who had baggy eyes and calloused fingers.
The football player says, “What do you do?”
The man replies, “Well I’m a cricket player.”
“I’m sure you think cricket is the hardest thing to play then?”
The man says, “You bet it is! Do you know how hard it is to get those things to chirp in key?”
😄 😄 😄
Who is the best cricket player?
Batman.
😄 😄 😄
Why do computer scientists make bad arborists?
Because they always plant their trees upside down.
😄 😄 😄
A computer scientist named Bob was about to leave to rent a movie.
As Bob was heading out, his wife said, “While you’re out, pick up some eggs.”
Bob never came back.
😄 😄 😄
What do marathoners and computer scientists have in common?
They want the fastest running time.
😄 😄 😄
Some wise guys show a civil engineer an 8 ounce glass with 4 ounces of water in it.
They ask him the age old question, “Is the glass half empty or half full?”
The civil engineer responds, “The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”
😄 😄 😄
A female civil engineer is doing a field survey and finds a talking frog.
“Kiss me and I’ll turn into a prince and marry you,” it says.
The engineer excitedly picks up the frog and continues with her job. And she doesn’t kiss it.
Finally the frog asks, “Aren’t you going to kiss me?”
She says, “What? No. I don’t have time to be with a prince. But a talking frog—that’s a keeper!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call the child of a civil engineer?
A truss fund baby.
😄 😄 😄
You might be a civil engineer if you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they did not get enough sleep.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a doctor and a civil engineer?
A doctor kills people one at a time.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
😄 😄 😄
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.
😄 😄 😄
What is the common thing between an entrepreneur and a suicide bomber?
Do the job well on the first try and they are set for life.
😄 😄 😄
How do you call a suicide bomber with Tourette’s?
A ticking time bomb.
😄 😄 😄
How do you know all suicide bombers self identify as being old?
They are all boomers in the end.
😄 😄 😄
Why are jokes about suicide bombers are not funny.
Well for starters, their delivery is just everywhere.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the influencer who became a suicide bomber?
At first he had barely any followers, but then he blew up.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a suicide bomber that can tell the future?
A tarot-ist.
😄 😄 😄
An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber
Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge.
He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot, “Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!”
The bomber pilot replies, “Oh, yeah? Let’s see you do this!” and keeps flying straight and level.
The fighter jock asks, “Um... What did you do?”
The B-52 pilot says, “I just shut down two engines.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s suicide bombers’ biggest fear?
Dying alone.
😄 😄 😄
A suicide bomber instructor says to his trainees, “Alright men, I’m only going to show you this once”.
😄 😄 😄
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere!
😄 😄 😄
Guitar tuner: “Hi, I’m here to tune your bass guitar.”
Guy: “I didn’t call a guitar tuner.”
Guitar tuner: “Yeah, I know, but the neighbors called.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the investment banker who became a horse breeder?
He was always looking for the most stable returns.
😄 😄 😄
What did the banker say to the electrician?
“We will pay for your current account.”
😄 😄 😄
How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery?
He’s so happy that he’s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
😄 😄 😄
The banker fell overboard from a friend’s sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”
“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”
😄 😄 😄
Three soccer players—one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenal—are lost in the desert.
They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.
So the guy from Manchester says, “Well, since I’m from ManCHESTer, I’ll get the chest.
The player from Liverpool goes, “Well, in that case I'll eat the liver.
Then guy from ARSEnal says, “I’m not hungry...”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Egyptian architect go to jail?
He was caught planning a pyramid scheme.
😄 😄 😄
Bad news: The lovely architect down my street has passed away.
Good news: His coffin looks super cool.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between an architect and an engineer?
If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own.
If engineers built all the buildings, they’d be so ugly, we’d tear them all down.
😄 😄 😄
An American and a German architect bet who can build a skyscraper in the least amount of time.
After a month, the American mails the German, “Only 10 days and I’ll be finished.”
The German writes back, “Hah, that’s nothing. Only 10 forms left and I am allowed to start.”
😄 😄 😄
Software architects should never design high-security fences.
They’re likely to make them highly scalable.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a doctor and an architect?
An architect’s mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.
😄 😄 😄
Lawyer: “Everybody hates lawyers until they need one.”
Architect: “Everybody loves architects until they need one.”
😄 😄 😄
On Teachers’ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?
To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.
😄 😄 😄
A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachers’ Day evening and says, “Can I have a beer.”
The barman says, “I don’t know, can you?”
😄 😄 😄
On the occasion of Teachers’ Day, the teacher was having a casual chat with his students.
Teacher: “Neil, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Neil: “Sir, I want to be just like you.”
Teacher, impressed: “And why is that?”
Neil: “Because even I love doing nothing.”
😄 😄 😄
An English teacher was getting late for school on Teachers’ Day.
Suddenly, a cop pulled him over and asked for papers.
He gladly gave him all of his students’ essays to grade and drove off.
😄 😄 😄
How is Teachers’ Day, a day of rest?
The rest of the laundry, the rest of the housework, and grading the rest of the papers.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the teacher late for school on Teachers’ Day?
She took the Rhombus.
😄 😄 😄
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
😄 😄 😄
Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve?
Waiting for the punchline.
😄 😄 😄
What’s an HR professional’s favorite hobby?
Filing. They just love putting everyone in their place.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Polish fisherman?
A fishing pole.
😄 😄 😄
Why are cooks funny?
They can crack yolks.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
😄 😄 😄
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
😄 😄 😄
A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”
😄 😄 😄
A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”
😄 😄 😄
Once a programmer drowned in the sea.
Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1 F1” and nobody understood it.
😄 😄 😄
An artist, a lawyer and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy.
The programmer says, “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the programmer always running into walls?
He couldn’t C#.
😄 😄 😄
Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
😄 😄 😄
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code.
He refused to comment.
😄 😄 😄
What does a programmer wear?
Whatever is in the dress code.
😄 😄 😄
What is the perfect profession for narcissists?
Architect. Because they’ll forever be making entrances and drawing stairs.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a teacher’s favorite way to celebrate National Teacher Day on May 2nd?
By giving students a pop quiz to see if they’ve been may-taining their knowledge.
😄 😄 😄
Why do Java developers wear glasses?
Because they can’t C#.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a beautiful woman on a bass player’s arm?
A tattoo.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a bass player who broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a red-haired baker?
The ginger bread man.
😄 😄 😄
What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem?
“Let’s try a different angle.”
😄 😄 😄
Why wasn’t the geometry teacher at school?
Because she sprained her angle!
😄 😄 😄
What did the firefighter say when the church caught on fire?
“Holy smoke!”
😄 😄 😄
One day a boy went swimming in a lake. He soon got into trouble, though and was starting to drown.
Luckily, there was a firefighter by the lake who swam out and pulled the boy up onto the beach and began CPR.
A crowed gathered round and watched as the firefighter frantically pumped on the boys chest. Water kept pouring from the boy’s mouthe ach time the firefighter pumped more water came out.
A short time later, seaweed started coming out, then minnows, then more water started coming out of the boy’s mouth. The firefighter feared this would never stop.
Just then, a paramedic arrived, quickly ran over to the firefighter and said, “Hey, Chief! You better get that kid’s butt out of the water before you pump that lake dry.”
😄 😄 😄
It’s always good to find out you’re going to be working from home.
Unless you’re a firefighter.
😄 😄 😄
My granddad always said you should fight fire with fire.
Maybe that’s why he got fired from the fire service.
😄 😄 😄
The English teacher in India.
Teacher: “Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: “I is the...”
Teacher: “Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an ‘I’. Always put ‘am’ after an ‘I’.”
Student: “OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
😄 😄 😄
A student holds a gun to his English teacher, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
English teacher: “You mean history.”
Student: “Don’t change the subject!”
😄 😄 😄
What do English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit grammar.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a Software Engineer with an English teacher?
A programmar.
😄 😄 😄
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
😄 😄 😄
How many Apple engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
😄 😄 😄
My friend, who has mild epilepsy, is an electrician.
He’s a light fitter.
😄 😄 😄
Being an electrician really wasn’t the career I wanted, but I still go to work every day with a conduit attitude.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a detective electrician?
Sherlock Ohms.
😄 😄 😄
People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
😄 😄 😄
An electrician is a bright spark who knows what’s watt.
😄 😄 😄
Old electricians never die, they just get discharged.
😄 😄 😄
Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
😄 😄 😄
Ancient Egyptian architect: “Do you know how to build a pyramid?”
Ancient Egyptian builder: “Well, err yeah, up to a point.”
😄 😄 😄
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of drummers.
They called ground control with a list of demands. Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren’t met they will release one drummer an hour.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!”
The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.”
A week later, the guy is back, “Doc, still no movement!”
The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later, the poor guy is back, “Doc, STILL nothing!”
The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a musician, I play the drums.”
The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it! Here’s $10. Go get something to eat!”
😄 😄 😄
My neighbor rang my door bell at 3 AM this morning. Can you believe it! 3 AM!!
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
😄 😄 😄
What did the drummer call his twin sons?
Tom.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a drummer’s favorite vegetable?
Beets.
😄 😄 😄
I knew a drummer who became a policeman years ago.
He’s still pounding the beat.
😄 😄 😄
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
😄 😄 😄
What is a software developer?
A person who does precision guesswork based on unreliable data provided by those with questionable knowledge.
😄 😄 😄
A computer software developer asks God, “Where will I go after I die?”
God: “Onto a DAT tape and into offline storage.”
😄 😄 😄
A web developer walks into a restaurant.
He immediately leaves in disgust as the restaurant was laid out in tables.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the developer use a credit card to buy all the gifts?
Becuase he had cleared all his cache.
😄 😄 😄
What happens when developers ask a silly question?
They get a silly ANSI.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Java developer quit his job?
Because he didn’t get arrays.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Java developer teach his young kids about single quotes?
Because they build character.
😄 😄 😄
How many developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It’s a hardware problem.
😄 😄 😄
A patient goes to the dentist for a tooth extraction.
The dentist gives him some anesthesia and then quickly pulls out the tooth.
He says to the patient, “That’ll be $500, please.”
The patient says, “What! $500 for 5 minutes of extraction work? That’s a complete rip-off!”
The dentist replies, “Well, I can make it longer if you’d like.”
😄 😄 😄
My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he’s much older than me, he has healthier teeth.
I said it must be because he has a better dentist.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve just seen a dentist having a big row with a manicurist.
They fought tooth and nail.
😄 😄 😄
I went on a date with a dentist last night.
At the end of the date, she said she’d had a great time and she’d like to see me again in 6 month’s time.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?
He came in with buns glazing.
😄 😄 😄
I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.
It was my manager’s fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.
😄 😄 😄
A scientist is doing experiments on an ant.
He puts the ant on the table and says, “Walk, ant, walk!”
The ant walks to the other side of the table.
The man writes in his notepad: The ant with 6 legs walks.
He then proceeds to take one leg off the insect and repeats the same process.
“Walk, ant, walk!”
The ant walks slower but reaches the other side of the table.
The scientist writes in his notepad: The ant with 5 legs walks.
After repeating the process 4 more times, he takes off the final leg, puts it on the table, and says, “Walk, ant, walk!”
The ant doesn’t move, so he tries again, “Walk, ant, walk!”
Again, the ant doesn’t move, so he writes in his notepad: The ant with 0 legs becomes deaf.
😄 😄 😄
What do the Backstreet Boys and algebra teachers have in common?
They both want you to tell them Y.
😄 😄 😄
Agency: “Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?”
MD: “Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone, and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation:
1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.
2. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.
3. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
4. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
5. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
6. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
7. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
8. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
9. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
10. If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.
11. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And...
12. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
😄 😄 😄
An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet. As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.
He rushes to the phone and calls 911.
“I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!”
“Okay sir, we have dispatched officers, they should be there in about an hour.”
“An hour?! But they’ll be long gone by then!”
“I’m sorry, sir, but there are no officers in your area.”
The farmer hangs up angrily, waits 10 minutes and then calls 911 again.
“Hi, it’s me again. Don’t worry about sending those cops, I’ve just shot the robbers,” and he hangs up.
Less then 10 minutes later, three cop cars and a helicopter arrive and the robbers are arrested.
The sergeant goes up to the house and bangs on the door. The farmer opens it in his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea.
“What’s going on here!? You said you shot the robbers!”
“You said there were no officers in my area.”
😄 😄 😄
A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient.
“When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?” asked the lawyer.
“I didn’t,” said the doctor.
“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” said the lawyer.
“No, I did not,” the doctor said.
“So, in other words,” the lawyer said, “when you signed the death certificate, you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead.”
“Well, let me put it this way,” said the doctor, “at that point, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, I guess he could’ve been out practicing law somewhere!”
😄 😄 😄
Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.
In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes of silence.
😄 😄 😄
Wanted to give being a comedian a try, but I fell and couldn’t stand up...
😄 😄 😄
I can’t believe my parents support my choice of profession.
I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian and they laughed at me!
😄 😄 😄
I’m halfway through becoming a stand-up comedian. I can stand up, now all I need is comedy.
😄 😄 😄
As a comedian, I see no point in going on stage.
They’re just going to laugh at me.
😄 😄 😄
When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.
Well, I got a job doing stand-up in a comedy club and no one’s laughing now.
😄 😄 😄
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
Hogs and kisses.
😄 😄 😄
I asked a programmer what his New Year’s resolution will be.
He answered, “640 x 480.”
😄 😄 😄
If a baker assaults somebody with a baguette...
Can he be charged with assault with a breadly weapon?
😄 😄 😄
What’s the lazy baker’s favorite recipe?
Loaf bread.
😄 😄 😄
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The bogeyman.
😄 😄 😄
How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?
FORE!
😄 😄 😄
I’m a scratch golfer.
Every time I hit the ball, I scratch my head and wonder where it went.
😄 😄 😄
An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.
The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said, “I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up, so I can look death straight in the eyes!”
The executioner accepted this request, placed the man in the guillotine and pulled the lever... but nothing happened! The blade did not drop! It was declared an act of God and proof of his innocence, and he was released.
The chef is brought to the guillotine and requests to be beheaded face up as well. And again, when the executioner pulled the lever, the blade remained motionless! The chef was released and joined his master.
Finally, the engineer is brought to the executioner. He, too, requests to lie supine.
As the executioner is about to pull the lever, the engineer exclaims, “OH! I see your problem!”
😄 😄 😄
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist sees the glass completely full—half with liquid and half with air.
😄 😄 😄
A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist take a vacation to the ocean.
The physicist was fascinated by the waves, so he walked into the ocean to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves. Obviously, he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist wanted to research the amazing flora and fauna of the ocean, so he walked into the water as well. He, too, never returned.
The chemist thought for a while, then noted in his lab notebook:
The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.
😄 😄 😄
Why are chemists great for solving problems?
They have all the solutions.
😄 😄 😄
For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it in a bottle of ethanol. He then asks his students if it will dissolve.
A student raise his hand to answer.
Student: “No, it won’t dissolve, sir.”
Teacher: “Really good! Now, can you explain to the rest of the class why?”
Student: “You’re so cheap, there’s no way you would’ve sacrificed that $20.”
😄 😄 😄
An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar and sit next to each other.
The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.
Before any punches could be thrown, the football player fell to the ground and called for medical help.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?
He wanted an off-ice job.
😄 😄 😄
My Papa was a World War 2 Navy veteran, and he used to boast about how he saved 300+ sailors from dying from an excruciating death.
He shot the cook.
😄 😄 😄
Where do sailors go when they feel sick?
The dock-tor.
😄 😄 😄
How do retired sailors greet each other?
Long time no sea.
😄 😄 😄
Where do late sailors come from?
Missed-his-shippi.
😄 😄 😄
What is a sailor’s least favorite vegetable?
Leeks.
😄 😄 😄
What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?
Helsinki.
😄 😄 😄
A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections.
He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.
“Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems,” says one of the leaders.
The politician pounds his table, “Ok, tell me what they are,” he impatiently replies, all the while looking around to confirm if the excessive display got a favorable response.
“OK, our first problem is a flu outbreak, but we lack doctors and hospitals, and the second one is...”
The politician cuts him off, “Stop right there, I’ll make some calls,” as the politician animatedly grabs his phone, punches the numbers, and makes his calls.
“Yes! Yes! That would be great, tomorrow then,” he loudly replies before punching another number for another call. “Yes, a hospital, I will pay for it personally.”
He hangs up and turns to everyone, “Good news, everyone! I have arranged for a group of doctors to come here tomorrow and check on those afflicted,” he loudly proclaims. “I have also called for the immediate construction of a hospital, which would begin as soon as we are able to find a suitable area today. Now, what was your other problem?”
“Yes, our second problem is that we don’t have cellphone coverage here.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the internal auditor do to liven up the office party?
He didn’t show up.
😄 😄 😄
Which clients do short auditors like best?
Small businessmen.
😄 😄 😄
What’s an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
😄 😄 😄
A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.
😄 😄 😄
What is a math teacher’s favorite sum?
Summer!
😄 😄 😄
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
😄 😄 😄
What does a hungry math teacher like to eat?
A square meal.
😄 😄 😄
What state has the most math teachers?
Math-achusetts.
😄 😄 😄
What is a math teacher’s favorite tree?
Geometry.
😄 😄 😄
A mechanical engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire.
The purchasing agent says, “We need to buy a new tire.”
The mechanical engineer says, “No, I think I can fix this one.”
And the software engineer says, “Let’s drive on it for a while, maybe it’ll fix itself.”
😄 😄 😄
A farmer goes to the bank for a loan. He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully, he can get a good crop.
The banker apologizes and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the bank is simply unwilling to loan to anyone planning to plant peanuts. However, the banker says, the bank is willing to loan on other crops. The banker recommends sunflowers.
The farmer is devastated, but eventually agrees to give sunflowers a try. Anything to get the loan and get some seed in the ground, he says.
At harvest time, another farmer asks how the sunflowers worked out.
The farmer admits that they’ve done very well—so well that he expects to be able to pay back the bank, put money away for the winter and even, possibly, have money left over for next year’s peanuts!
😄 😄 😄
How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?
He has a red sticker on his bumper that says “If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast”.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the physicist who was reading a great book on anti-gravity?
He couldn’t put it down.
😄 😄 😄
A physicist is watching a man who believes he can fly. Every time he goes up the steep hill, he jumps off and hurts himself.
The physicist watches this for 7 days.
On the 8th day, he goes to the man and says, “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation.”
😄 😄 😄
All the physicists meet up in heaven and decide to play a game of hide and seek.
They decide that Fermi will be the seeker, so he closes his eyes and begins counting to 100.
All the physicists scatter, except for Newton, who calmly reaches into his pocket, takes out some chalk, and draws a square one meter on a side.
Fermi finishes counting and turns around, seeing Newton standing in his chalk square he yells, “I found Newton. Newton is out!”
Newton protests, “No, I’m Newton in a meter square—I’m Pascal. Pascal is out!”
😄 😄 😄
What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
😄 😄 😄
What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. It’s good for business.
😄 😄 😄
Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, “Didn’t you like the muffs?”
The Foreman said, “They’re a thing of beauty.”
“Why don’t you wear them?” The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, “I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! Never again, never again!”
😄 😄 😄
My Sister works at a pharmacy.
As a pharmasister.
😄 😄 😄
Pharmacists find their work to be very encapsulating.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the pharmacist who got hit with a bottle of omega-3?
They are okay, the injuries were superfishoil.
😄 😄 😄
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
😄 😄 😄
My pharmacist recently lost his arm.
Now I call him my “phacist”.
😄 😄 😄
Chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”
“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.
“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”
😄 😄 😄
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do football players struggle at bowling?
Because they had a hard time kicking the ball!
😄 😄 😄
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
😄 😄 😄
A mathematician, and physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.
The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so he measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.
The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.
The engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber balls and finds its specifications.
😄 😄 😄
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.
One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.
Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.
“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”
The manager looks sheepish, “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”
The priest looks ashamed of himself, “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”
The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”
The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
😄 😄 😄
A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driver—a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tie—poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, “Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, “Sure.”
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“Impressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, “You’re on.”
“You are an auditor,” said the shepherd without hesitation.
“That’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. “However did you guess?”
“It wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. “You show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!”
😄 😄 😄
A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he needs a haircut and doesn’t have much extra time.
He remembers there’s a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he’s back on his way.
A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.
“Hello again, Sir,” the barber says. “What can I do for you?”
“Oh, I’d like another haircut, but I’m awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?”
“Of course,” says the barber. “Anything you want. Take a seat.”
The businessman sits down.
“So what would you like?” asks the barber.
“Well, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.
For my mustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitler’s.
Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.
I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.
Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.
When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.
Blend the sides in, but don’t blend in the back.
And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.”
The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.
“I can’t do all that!” he says.
“Why not?” the businessman asks. “That’s what you did last time.”
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you’ve ever seen.
“Give me two shots of Jack Daniels,” he says to the bartender. “One for me, and one for you.”
“You know, I don’t drink on the job,” the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, “And that’s why I like you better than my barber!”
😄 😄 😄
A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.
As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that!”
The engineer replied, “You wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”
So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, “Do you wanna see magic?”
The shop boy replied, “Yes!!!”
The engineer said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.
Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.
Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.
The shop boy asked, “But where’s the magic?”
The engineer replied, “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them!”
😄 😄 😄
The electrician’s favorite ice cream flavor is shock-a-lot.
😄 😄 😄
The cook gifted his girlfriend something she would like. Guess what?
An onion ring.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
😄 😄 😄
The mathematician served something special for dessert. Guess what?
It was a pi.
😄 😄 😄
What did the sign on the baker’s door read when she wanted to be alone?
Donut disturb.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
😄 😄 😄
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got tired of the HOLE business.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the cops arrest the donut baker?
He was caught pinching the salt.
😄 😄 😄
Officer: “Do you know why I stopped you?”
Blonde: “Because I didn’t pull out of the donut shop too fast?”
😄 😄 😄
What is every policeman’s favorite charity fundraiser?
Dollars to Donuts.
😄 😄 😄
Which holiday is every policeman’s favorite?
National Donut Day.
😄 😄 😄
Now that I’m teaching remotely, I can’t reward my students for their good work.
So I tell them to visit my website for cookies instead.
😄 😄 😄
Remote working has worked out well for IT professionals.
It was a hard drive to the office anyway!
😄 😄 😄
Memo from Director-General to Manager:
Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes.
As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park.
Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information.
Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes.
For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director-General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director-General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse.
This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.
This will be safe if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director-General will eclipse the sun for two minutes.
This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director-General disappear.
It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.
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I wish I had as much hope as the guy driving the ice cream truck around in February.
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A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.
“What’s your favorite flavor?” asks the friend.
“Charm,” replies the physicist.
His friend looks at him.
“Why is it that whenever I ask you a question,” begins the friend, “your answer is always strange?”
“Well, it’s strange ‘now’,” the physicist protests, “shouldn’t have waited a picosecond.”
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What do you call a pharmacist working at a veterinary drug company?
A FARM-ASSIST.
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How many pharmacists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, every six hours for the next ten days.
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An honest lawyer, a happy Santa and a merry elf find 100 $. How do they split it?
50 dollars to Santa, 50 dollars to the elf, because there is no such thing as an honest lawyer!
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The computer programmer to his son: “Here, I brought you a new basketball.”
Son: “Thank you, daddy, but where is the user’s guide?”
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The house cleaner told me that she was going to start working from home, so she sent me a list of chores.
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A pharmacist returns to his shop from lunch to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” He asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” explains the assistant. “But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.”
“What!” The pharmacist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”
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A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.
Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just can’t read his notes.
So, he says to the audience, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
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I am pretty sure that my algebra teacher is secretly a pirate.
He constantly is trying to find X.
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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.
The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”
The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.
The officer says, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”
The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.
The officer says, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”
Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”
The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.
He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.
With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.
Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.
Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically, and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”
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It’s true women do make less money than men. But it’s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.
Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.
Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
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An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy.
The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following, “Mr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of £1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to £1,100.”
The student said, “I see. The ethics question is ‘Do I tell the client?’”
“Wrong answer! The question is ‘Do I tell my partner?’”
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A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.
Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.
Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.
His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
“Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window.”
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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.
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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
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What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand.
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
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An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum.
“Spare some loose change?” asks the bum.
“And why should I do that?” asks the accountant.
“Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.
“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”
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A doctor was chatting at a party with a chartered accountant.
He asked, “How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble? Just because I am a doctor. Not fair!”
The CA friend replied coolly, “Just tell them the right things politely, but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning. Only once. Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately.”
“Wow! Thanks for the tip,” said the doctor.
The next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend: “Consulting charges for Business Development”.
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I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.
Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
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Dear Students,
I know when you are texting in class. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.
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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.
She used to say “You shall not pass!”
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There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.
One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.
The colleague asked, “Why do you always drive so fast through intersections?”
To which the statistics teacher responded, “Well, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!”
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The judge rose from the bench and said, “Madam, I’ve waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”
Then he smiled as he said, “Now, sit down at that table and write 500 times ‘I will not pass through a red light.’”
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Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in class?
Because the class was so bright!
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What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says “Spit your gum out!” and the train says “Chew, chew!”
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
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I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.
He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.
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Never fight a math teacher. You’ll always be outnumbered.
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Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
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An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.
He puts a sign outside the clinic “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail”.
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”
The nurse walks in carrying box 22.
Doctor: “Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”
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Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ll have an H2O please.”
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Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”
Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”
Bartender: “Three dollars.”
Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.
Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.
Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.
“Well”, said the teacher, “the first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”
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Why does the programmer think the Grinch’s attitude isn’t bad?
He says it’s in beta.
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How does the German baker greet his customers?
Gluten Morgen!
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