Enjoy our team's carefully selected Poop Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being—an animal.”
Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past, “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, “RALPH, wake up! You crapped the bed!”
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What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Aye Dunnup.”
“Aye Dunnup, who?”
“Eugh, you dunna poo!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ketchup.”
“Ketchup, who?”
“No, you catch a poo!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Eat more chicken.”
“Eat more chicken, who?”
“YOU!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Poop.”
“Poop, who?”
“Hahaha, you said poo twice!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I eep.”
“I eep, who?”
“Gross, you eat poo?!”
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The physics student asks to go to the bathroom. Professor asks, “Liquid, Solid or Gas?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I smell like.”
“I smell like, who?”
“No, you smell fine.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Stinky.”
“Stinky, who?”
“Yeah, your poo does stink.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I’m a pile of.”
“I’m a pile of, who?”
“No, you’re not!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Luke.”
“Luke, who?”
“Luke out, I’m about to fart!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Smell mop.”
“Smell mop, who?”
“No, I won’t smell your poo!”
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Why do poets go to the zoo to use the restroom?
So they can poo in the loo at the zoo.
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Important Announcement:
In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.
They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung:
1. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
2. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
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Why do so many people like to do word puzzles in the bathroom?
Because it’s the best place for a vowel movement.
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What is the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.
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What’s the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
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An Indian walks into a café with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Me in training for upper management: come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.”
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A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!”
The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.”
A week later, the guy is back, “Doc, still no movement!”
The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later, the poor guy is back, “Doc, STILL nothing!”
The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a musician, I play the drums.”
The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it! Here’s $10. Go get something to eat!”
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On the day my friends were hosting my birthday celebration, I had diarrhea.
I was a party pooper.
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I was having random bouts of diarrhea but I couldn’t figure out what was causing it.
Then I started keeping track.
I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.
Turns out I’m Lacoste intolerant.
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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A Salad Shooter.
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What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Plenty of room.
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From now on, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.
It’s a solid plan.
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What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?
It runs in your genes.
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My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.
She won’t find out until she unpacks her luggage.
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What’s faster: lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
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First friend: “I poop every morning at 8 a.m.”
Second friend: “Hey, it’s good to be regular. What’s the problem?”
First friend, “I wake up at 9 a.m.”
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You never really appreciate what you’ve got until it’s gone.
Toilet paper is a good example.
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Politicians are like diapers.
They need to be changed often, and for the same reasons.
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Children are like farts.
Your own are just about bearable, but everyone else’s are horrendous.
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They said pooping is a call of nature.
So is farting a missed call?
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I did up.”
“I did up, who?”
“Eww, you did a poo?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I eep.”
“I eep, who?”
“Gross, you eat poo?!”
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Why hasn’t anyone ever seen ghost poop?
Because it’s invisible.
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Where does Spider-Man poop?
Web-ever he wants.
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Yo mama so fat she pooped out the Death Star!
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Yo mama so dumb she thought Call of Duty was a game about pooping.
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NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...
They found it to be a poophole.
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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?
Smurf poop.
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Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.
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Chuck Norris once ate a Rubik’s Cube and pooped it out solved.
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