Enjoy our team's carefully selected Plant Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What’s a Christian’s favorite flower?
Jesus Rose.
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I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I don’t think she likes them.
She said that’s gross.
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It was a dull day, but I saw a pink colored rose.
I look at the bright seed of things.
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The rose had to inform his mom about a mishap.
He said, “I hate to be the bearer of bud news.”
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Why was the florist afraid of roses?
Quite honestly, she didn’t know where the fear stemmed from.
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What did the florist say to the customer who was trying to bargain over the price of the rose bouquet?
“Take it or leaf it bud!”
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Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors.
It’s always the first to rose and shine.
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What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
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What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
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Why did the cactus join the orchestra?
Because it could play the prickle-o.
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What did the little cacti say to the big cactus when they were running away?
“Cactus if you can!”
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What do you call it when a whole bunch of cacti fall over?
A cac-tas-trophy.
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Never go on a date with a cactus.
They’ll spike your drink.
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What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
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Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
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What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses?
Tulips.
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What is the official tree of National Pi Day?
A Pi-ne tree.
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I got my Mom a scratchcard for Mother’s Day, but I couldn’t resist scratching it off myself. And would you believe it, it was a $10,000 winner!
I’m sure she’ll like the flowers.
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Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of it’s bark.
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What did the farmer say to his workers on Labor Day?
“I don’t carrot all, take the day off and lettuce celebrate!”
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My friend thinks he’s intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
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What’s Harry Styles’ favorite type of flower?
Styles-oni.
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Why do computer scientists make bad arborists?
Because they always plant their trees upside down.
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Why do trees drop their leaves in the fall?
It’s autumn-atic.
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What do you call an aboriginal hanging in a tree?
Abocado.
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Akpos told his servant, “Go and water the plants.”
Servant: “It’s already raining.”
Akpos: “So what, take an umbrella and go!”
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What do you call a small, yellow onion?
A Min-ion.
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What is a cactus’s favorite Minions movie?
Des-prick-able Me.
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What’s the square root of Minecraft?
There are three, actually: the potatoes, the carrots, and the beetroots.
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Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.
“A lemon tree, my dear Wat-son.”
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What happens if a tree falls into mud?
It leafs an impression.
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When I heard a concerning noise coming from a nearby tree, I asked it, “Are you oak-ay?”
It replied back, “Oh, I’m completely pine.”
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A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
“What are you?” asks the cat.
“I’m a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature are you?”
The cat thinks for a moment and says, “I guess I’m a gnome.”
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Why was Ginger the only real Spice Girl?
Because Cumin, Parsley, Basil and Garlic were rejected.
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How do gingers like their gossip?
Spicy.
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What do root vegetables usually order at a bar?
Ginger beer.
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How do gingers support each other?
By rooting for them.
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Teacher: “Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word ‘geometry’.”
Little Johnny: “A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, ‘Gee, I’m a tree!’.”
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These three blondes were going to purchase a Christmas tree, but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.
The first blonde said, “I don’t care how long it takes us, I want a perfect tree.”
The other two blondes agreed saying, “We won’t leave until we find the right one.”
Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and hungry friends and said, “I promise the next tree we come across we’ll chop it down and take it home and I won’t care if it’s decorated for Christmas or not.”
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A blind man walks into a bar...
And a wall, and a tree, and a cactus.
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What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-a.
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What do you call a pig stuck in a cactus?
A porcupine.
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What do you call a lot of cactus?
A cac-ton.
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I ate a cactus today...
It had a sharp taste.
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Me: “How much for the goth cucumber?”
Clerk: “That’s a cactus.”
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Why did Thor sit comfortably on a cactus?
He has an Asgard.
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What do you call a gender-confused cactus that relocates to another country?
A trans plant.
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The cactus is talking to his wife.
Wife: “You’re so selfish. You have to remember that it’s cact-US.”
Cactus: “Actually, the plural of cactus is catc-I.”
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The bad news is I dropped my cactus today.
The worse news is that I caught it.
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Why was the bacon tree so angry when the axemen came?
Because he thought it was a ham-bush.
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The young man, as he was golfing alone, not being able to say no, allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball—and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk, and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall.”
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If trees produced Wi-Fi, we would be planting them everywhere.
Too bad they only produce oxygen.
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I couldn’t decide how much lettuce to buy until someone helped me think it through.
Turns out, two heads are better than one.
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A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time, the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up, but it won’t fit unless he cuts it into smaller pieces. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn’t realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal worker says, “You can’t send a salad like that, it needs adressing.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lettuce.”
“Lettuce, who?”
“Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”
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A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
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Quarantine has been hard. I’ve run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves.
It’s only going to get worse, though... this is just the tip of the iceberg.
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Patient: “Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.”
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks, “Is it serious, doctor?”
And the doctor replies, “I’m sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.”
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No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce.
They keep telling me it’s a lost cos.
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What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?
Iceberg lettuce.
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I went to see my doctor today with a lettuce stuck in my butt.
He just applied a dressing and sent me home.
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What did the lettuce say to the ship?
ICEBERG!
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What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don’t know, lettuce sea.
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Captain Edward Smith’s last meal included lettuce on his plate.
Specifically, It was an iceberg right in front of him.
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Monkey sees an Elephant climbing a banana tree.
Confused, monkey calls out to elephant, “Hey, elephant, why are you climbing that tree?”
Elephant says, “I’m going to eat me a mango!”
Monkey responds, “But that isn’t a mango tree!”
Elephant says, “Don’t worry about it, I brought my own.”
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Two drunkards are from their usual drinking spree on their way home when they spot a mango fruit up the tree.
They start tossing stones at the fruit to fell it, after what seems like a lifetime missing the target.
One says to the other, “Maybe it is not even ripe, let me scale up the tree and take a closer look.”
The other agrees.
He tediously scales up the tree and gently squeezes the fruit to feel if it is ripe.
He comes down joyfully to his friend and say, “Yeap, the fruit is damn ripe, let’s get it.”
And they continue tossing the stones to the fruit.
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A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.
A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, “Your cat got run over by a car and died.”
The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.
His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.
A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.
“What?” he asks.
His friend replies, “Your grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.”
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What do you call an animal found under the avocado tree?
A guaca-mole.
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Where do vegetarian vampires live?
Plantsylvania.
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When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.
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Did you hear about the carpenter on a carrot farm who ran out of wood, so he had to start using carrots to make tables?
It turns out he wasn’t just good with wood, he was also good with vege tables.
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Which vegetable betrayed Jesus?
Judas Is-carrot.
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What’s a vegetable’s favorite martial art?
Carrotee!
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Broccoli looks into the trunk of his car.
He sees an extra tire and exclaims, “Oh! I have a-spar-a-gus!”
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Two corns in a field were telling each other corny jokes.
They were the laughing stalk of the field.
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What do you get if you eat onions on your beans?
Tear gas.
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What is a math teacher’s favorite tree?
Geometry.
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When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
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A farmer goes to the bank for a loan. He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully, he can get a good crop.
The banker apologizes and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the bank is simply unwilling to loan to anyone planning to plant peanuts. However, the banker says, the bank is willing to loan on other crops. The banker recommends sunflowers.
The farmer is devastated, but eventually agrees to give sunflowers a try. Anything to get the loan and get some seed in the ground, he says.
At harvest time, another farmer asks how the sunflowers worked out.
The farmer admits that they’ve done very well—so well that he expects to be able to pay back the bank, put money away for the winter and even, possibly, have money left over for next year’s peanuts!
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God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
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My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
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“I’m sorry,” said the clerk in flower shop, “we don’t have potted geraniums... Could you use African violets instead?”
Replied the customer sadly, “No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”
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The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, “That’s probably why!”
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A man gives flowers to everyone in his family.
To his wife he gives roses.
To his parents he gives orchids.
To his daughters he gives daisies.
And to his sons he gives sunflowers.
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What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
“I be-leaf in you.”
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What does the youngest flower child say?
“Last bud not least!”
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Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
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My wallet is like an onion.
Whenever I open it my eyes tear up.
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I’m an annoying on the outside, but I’m like an onion.
You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying.
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A mother, father and daughter onion are out for a walk.
They get to the streetlight at an intersection and as the walk sign lights up, they begin to cross but a careless driver catches the daughter onion and she rolls to the side of the road, horribly injured.
She is rushed to the hospital and after a few hours the doctor comes to the waiting room to speak to the parents, “Sir, ma’am, I have good news and bad news.”
“Okay, give it to us, Doc, we want to know how she’s doing.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “the good news is your daughter is going to live.”
The parent onions feel a huge relief, then ask for the bad news.
“The bad news is, she’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of her life.”
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One snowman said to another, “I’d heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...”
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Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
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It is so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
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It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
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It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
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What did the alien say to the flower bed?
Take me to your weeder!
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I own a solar powered food maker.
It’s an apple tree.
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Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.
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Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
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An onion just told me a joke.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
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Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?
Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.
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Yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry.
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