Enjoy our team's carefully selected Planet Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Why is everyone on Mars considered a communist?
Because they live on the red planet.
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Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?
He was caught taking asteroids.
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Aliens: “We’ve come to destroy the Earth.”
Greta: “It’s a bit late, right?”
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If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?
Fleas.
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One alien says to another, “The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”
The second alien replies, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”
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We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons.
If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.
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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.
I guess there is life on Mars after all.
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NASA has finally announced what would have happened to the earth if the moon wasn’t present.
50% less poems and love songs.
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Yo mama so hairy when she auditioned for Planet of the Apes they made her pack leader.
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Yo mama so fat NASA thought she was a planet.
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Yo mama so fat her belt is the equator.
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Yo mama so fat every time she took a step it caused an earthquake.
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I asked my German friend how many planets are in our Solar System.
Surprisingly he said, “Nine.”
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Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god?
Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.
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Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.
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Earth is the third planet from the sun.
By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.
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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?
Rename Uranus to Ouranus.
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NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...
They found it to be a poophole.
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Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system.
Uranus is between them.
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An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
The aliens are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub.
He sees a nearby alien and asks, “Where’s the pub?”
The alien gurgles back, but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, “Just around the corner.”
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it.
It’s labeled “The Keyboard” and he asks the bouncer, “Why is it called the Keyboard?”
The bouncer replies, “The boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he’s the bartender.”
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
“Excuse me, do you own this pub?” the astronaut says.
“I do,” the bartender gurgles back.
“Why is it called the Keyboard?” the man asks.
“Well,” the alien gurgles in reply, “since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name...”
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat.
“...The reason it’s called the Keyboard is because it’s a space bar.”
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:
“Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”
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Why did all the planets give the most attention to the sun?
Because the sun is the center of the universe.
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What did Neptune say to Pluto when they fought?
Comet me, bro.
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Why did Pluto have to go to the dentist?
Because he spotted some black holes.
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Why was it difficult for planets to play golf?
They spotted many black holes.
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How do planets pay each other?
With star bucks.
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Why is it most dangerous to go near Mercury?
Because one might die of mercury poisoning.
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Why do people on Earth like the way the planet rotates?
Because it makes their day.
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What is Planet Earth’s favorite dance move?
The moonwalk.
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Why are astronauts difficult to talk to?
Because they are not down to earth.
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Where do all planets go for their higher education?
To the universe-ity.
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What did Mars say to Earth?
Get out of my space!
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What is a planet’s favorite gum?
Orbit.
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What did Earth say to the other planets?
Get a life!
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Why shouldn’t you go to a party on Mars?
There’s no atmosphere!
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Why is Mercury the cleverest planet?
Because it has the most degrees!
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Did you hear about the happy asteroid?
It was over the moon!
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Did you hear they found a pushpin on the largest moon of Saturn?
That’s right.
A tac on Titan.
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What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?
I come in pieces.
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I promised my new girlfriend the sun, the moon and the stars...
So, I took her to the planetarium.
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How do you organize a party for the moon?
You just planet!
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Ganymede left Jupiter and flew out of the solar system last week.
I saw it today in the orbituaries.
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I think Saturn’s name is the best in our solar system.
It has a nice ring to it.
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What did the planets drink when they wanted to bulk up?
Milky Whey.
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Which planet is the richest of them all?
Saturn, because it has many rings.
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What’s the best way to organize a space party?
Planet early!
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What’s a planet’s favorite keyboard key?
The space bar!
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What do planets read?
Comet books!
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The Earth and the Moon were talking.
Earth: “Moon, how are you?”
Moon: ...
Earth: “Moon! Are you okay??”
Moon: “What? Sorry I was miles away.”
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An Alien visited the Solar system and ate Jupiter.
When asked how it was the Alien replied simply:
“Gastronomical.”
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What is an astronaut’s favorite chocolate?
A Mars bar.
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What did the Moon say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime!
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How does the solar system keep its pants from falling down?
It uses an asteroid belt.
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Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews... only 1 star.
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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon.
“Well,” he said, “it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn’t decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it.”
“And he won?” I said.
“Well, no,” he mumbled. “The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The twat.”
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What does Michael Jackson have in common with NASA?
It’s been decades since their first moonwalk.
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Why did the cow jump over the Harvest Moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands!
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A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.
One day, a spaceship with “UFO” written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.
The blonde’s boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
“Do you know what “UFO” stands for?” He asks.
“Of course.” She replies, “Unleaded Fuel Only.”
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A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview.
The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.
The first one asks, “Who do you think the best soccer player in the world is?”
The smart guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.
The second interviewer asks, “When did the phone come out?”
The smart guy replies, “The first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Do you believe in UFOs?”
The smart guy replies, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers, and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.
Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasn’t that bright so the first one asked, “Who is your father?”
The dumb guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.”
The second interview asks, “When were you born?”
He replied, “I came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Are you dumb?”
The dumb guy says, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
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Person 1: “Hey! I see a UFO up there in the sky take a picture now!”
Person 2: “Wait, I have to get the worst camera I have.”
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What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.
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If Trump was notified of an alien invasion.
“There’s an alien spacecraft but it’s not on course to earth.”
“Our specialists, they’re very special people, have concluded that this is just an alien spaceship making a simple flyby our solar system.”
“The alien ship is getting close to our American soil but there is nothing to worry about.”
“The aliens have landed off the coast of Florida but there is nothing to worry about, they’re just tourists.”
“Too many aliens are crossing our borders, we need to build a wall and make them pay for it and we WILL make them pay for it.”
“The aliens are eating our Americans, but don’t worry, they’ll eventually be stopped by our American armed forces in no time. You guys know a lot about aliens, right?”
“There are aliens outside of the white house but they’ll go away soon. We have riot police keeping everything under control.”
“The aliens have entered the white house, but don’t worry, we will negotiate something, and then everything will be back to normal.”
...
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What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?
E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.
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I told my wife I’d never leave her unless aliens came to take me.
It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.
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An alien drops by the White House and exclaims, “Take me to your leader.”
The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.
“Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!” calls a Senator.
“You are right,” responds the alien.
“See you on Thursday!”
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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.
“Human creature,” the alien bellows, “we last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”
The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, “Well, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”
“That is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”
“Oh, nowadays we use two sticks.”
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An alien lands today, Nov. 4, 2020.
Alien: “Take me to your leader.”
Me: “You’re going to have to wait 10-12 business days for us to sort that out.”
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A lot of people think Crop Circles are done by alien aircraft...
I think they’re done by Cereal Killers.
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Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
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My kids are the sunshine of my life.
Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.
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I’ll never forget this solar eclipse, it’ll forever be seared into my mind...
...and retinas. I really should’ve worn some glasses.
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I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take.
Don’t get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I known it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.
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You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
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August 20, 2020:
Scientists have discovered a “mystery object” in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.
March 1, 2021 (Update):
Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.
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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?
An Apocaclipse.
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What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?
Mario Sunburnt!
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“I wanna be the sun of your life!”
“Then stay at 1 000 000 km of me!”
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What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?
Turn into bacon.
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After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.
Murphy objected, “If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!”
“What do you think we are, stupid?” Declan replied, “We’ll send our
man at night!”
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One Sunny afternoon, two blondes walk down the street.
One of them suddenly points at the sun and says: “Look! That’s the moon over there!”
The other one says: “No, that’s the sun!”
The first one: “No, it’s the moon!”
The other one, again: “No, it’s the sun!”
After arguing for a while, the “smart” one says: “Let’s go to that house over there and ask, what’s right!”
They go to the house and ring the doorbell. Another blonde opens the door.
The “smart” one asks: “Excuse us, can you tell us, whether it’s the sun or the moon in the sky?”
The blonde looks and says: “I wouldn’t know! I’ve only been living here for two weeks!”
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.
She asks him: “Little Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?”
He: “Like the moon.”
The teacher: “That’s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful”.
Little Johnny: “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”
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Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
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Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth?
It’s meteor.
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How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?
Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.
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What do you call a sad little blue planet?
A gloom.
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How does Uranus stay clean?
It takes meteor showers.
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Why was Uranus sad at the solar system party?
It felt left out of the loop.
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What’s Uranus’s favorite game?
Twister, it’s always spinning!
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Ever heard of the planet party?
Uranus was the star, always the center of attraction.
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I met a comedian who specializes in Uranus jokes.
Suffice to say, their humor was out of this world.
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I asked Uranus if it knows any good planet jokes.
It replied, “Sorry, they’re just not my atmosphere.”
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Why did the planet Uranus join a band?
It wanted to planet self in rhythm.
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Uranus’ puns are my favorite kind of humor.
They’re truly universal.
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I’m never afraid to make a Uranus pun.
They’re always out of this world.
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I’m not afraid to crack a joke about Uranus.
It’s a gas!
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What did Uranus say to its moon?
“You have the right to remain in orbit, anything you say will be taken out of context!”
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What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?
Space Opera.
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Why did Uranus get kicked out of the library?
It was talking too much gas-babble.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite hobby?
Planet-ting.
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What did the other planets say to Uranus when it was feeling sad?
“Cheer up, life’s just a gas!”
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Why did Uranus become a rock star?
Because it’s always surrounded by gas.
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Why is Uranus so good at baseball?
Because it has a great orbit!
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What did Uranus say to Earth?
“You’re always following me around. Give me some space!”
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Why did Uranus go on a diet?
Because it wanted to be a little lighter and have that celestial glow!
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Uranus has a real flair for fashion.
It always rocks the planet look!
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You’ll never hear Uranus complain.
Because it’s got a good atmosphere about it.
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My teacher told me I couldn’t make a joke about Uranus in class.
But hey, it’s my orbit!
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When Uranus threw a party, everyone was over the moon!
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I tried to tell a joke about Uranus.
But I couldn’t planet right.
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My favorite planet is Uranus because it’s just so well-rounded.
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Did you hear about the comedy show on Uranus?
It was a real gas, but not everyone understood the humor.
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The planet Uranus is really good at keeping secrets.
After all, it has all those gas-tly atmospheres to hide things.
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I asked Uranus about its love life.
And it replied, “It’s complicated, I’m in a gas-tly relationship.”
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If Uranus was a comedian, it would always crack jokes with a little bit of gas.
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Did you hear about the astronomy professor who was always talking about Uranus?
He was kind of a space case.
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Did you hear about the planet Uranus?
It’s quite gas-sy.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?
Gas-tronomic swirl.
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Why did the astronaut bring a joke book to Uranus?
To break the space ice.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of bread?
Gas-tly sourdough.
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Why did the spaceship bring a snack to Uranus?
It wanted to have a gas-tro picnic.
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What did the comet say when it visited Uranus?
“This place is a gas!”
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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of weather?
Gas-tly winds.
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Why did the meteor break up with Uranus?
It felt like it was crashing and burning.
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Why did the astronaut challenge Uranus to a staring contest?
It wanted to see who had the most gravity.
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Why did the alien bring a gift to Uranus?
It wanted to show its appreciation for the atmosphere.
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Why did the asteroid start a podcast with Uranus?
They wanted to rock the airwaves.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of vehicle?
Gas-guzzler.
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How does Uranus apologize for being late?
It blames it on its orbit.
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Why did the moon break up with Uranus?
It wanted someone with a brighter personality.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite subject?
Gas-tronomy.
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Why did the astronaut bring a ladder to Uranus?
To reach for the stars.
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What did the comet say to Uranus?
“You’re out of this world!”
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Why did the astronaut go to therapy with Uranus?
It had too many emotional craters.
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Why is Uranus always invited to parties?
It knows how to break the ice.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite accessory?
A gas mask.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of humor?
Dark matter jokes.
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Why did the alien invite Uranus to the party?
It knew Uranus would bring the atmosphere.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite comedy movie?
Guardians of the Gas-laxy.
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How does Uranus apologize?
It says “I’m sorry, I need some space”.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite party trick?
Its gas giant dance moves.
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