Enjoy our team's carefully selected Penguin Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
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Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being—an animal.”
Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past, “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, “RALPH, wake up! You crapped the bed!”
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What’s a hen’s favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
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Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
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I asked the hairdresser if she ever gave a henna rinse.
She said, “No, but I once gave a duck a bath.”
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How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
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Just had lunch at the Pelican Café.
The food was good but the bill was enormous!
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Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
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What do you call a Portuguese person all by themself?
A Portugoose.
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A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port in France and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places.
“Oui, monsieur. What is the destination port for this load?”
“I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil.”
“Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal?”
“Why is that, sir?”
“If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese, of course!”
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Chuck Norris killed 2 stones with 1 bird.
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Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Chicken.”
“Chicken, who?”
“Just chicken this is the right house!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ostrich.”
“Ostrich, who?”
“Ostrich as far as I can, but I still can’t reach the doorbell.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cow says.”
“Cow says, who?”
“No, owls say “who”, cows say “moo”!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl I can say is “Knock, knock”!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl you know unless you open the door?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Who.”
“Who, who?”
“Sorry, I don’t speak to owls!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Oink oink.”
“Oink oink, who?”
“Make up your mind… Are you a pig or an owl?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl aboard.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Baby owl.”
“Baby owl, who?”
“Baby owl see you later.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl be sure to use the bell next time!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl always love you.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl be glad to meet you if you let me in.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl good things come to those who wait.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cargo.”
“Cargo, who?”
“Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hoo.”
“Hoo, who?”
“You talk like an owl!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl be seeing you!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owls.”
“Owls, who?”
“Yes, the last time I checked, they do.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Bird.”
“Bird, who?”
“Bird day greetings to you.”
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What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
“Wing, wing.”
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What’s something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?
A family member giving you the bird.
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What do you call rain on Turkey Day?
Fowl weather.
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Don’t ever attend Thanksgiving with a group of comedians.
They’ll never stop roasting the turkey.
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So a housewife is preparing Thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, “Are you hungry, dear?”
And the turkey answers, “No, I’m stuffed.”
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The EU was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner.
But they refused to have turkey.
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I tried to post a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys.
But it was removed because of fowl language.
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My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.
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Every year, after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits.
I can do it because I have lots of cold turkey.
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What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
“Quack! Quack!”
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Did you know that they don’t serve Thanksgiving leftovers at rehab?
People there are trying to quit cold turkey.
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So this chicken walks up to a turkey and says, “Hey, turkey! I’ve always wondered something…”
Turkey’s like, “Yeah. What’s up?”
And so the chicken says, “That thing. You know, that flap of skin or whatever that’s hanging down over your beak. What do you call that thing?”
And the turkey crosses his eyes and looks down and says, “Beak? What beak?”
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Chicken to turkey:
“Only Thanksgiving and Christmas? You’re lucky, with us it’s any Sunday.”
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Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
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What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
God save the kin.
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What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot.
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In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated?
Turkey.
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At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
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What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
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Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed.
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I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
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What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
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Why are the cranberries red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
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What kind of key is edible?
A turkey on Thanksgiving.
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Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, “If your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”
Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.
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Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight?
They beat the stuffing outta each other.
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Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer?
Because he had the drumsticks!
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Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey that tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
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How are wives like Thanksgiving turkeys?
They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.
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Did you hear that I won the Thanksgiving turkey cookoff?
You butterball-ieve it.
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What is a bad bowler’s favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving because they finally get a turkey.
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What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?
“…This is the way.”
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What if the Indians would have given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey?
We’d all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.
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What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?
“Easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.”
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Did you hear about the guy who checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving?
He couldn’t quit cold turkey.
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What’s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
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Why don’t the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?
Because they don’t like Turkey.
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What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?
We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.
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Yo mama so old she ate Dodo on his first Thanksgiving.
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Why do some people not like a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys?
Because of fowl language.
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Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
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Remember the guy who used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers?
He had to quit cold turkey.
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I used to own a raven. It could speak English.
But the only word it could speak was “car”.
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What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
“To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”
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I got a pet owl named Robin.
Robin Hoo-d.
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I said to my kid, “Someone just told me that you’re acting like an owl.”
My son: “Who?”
Me: “Exactly.”
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What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
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Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
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What happens if an owl doesn’t wash?
It smells fowl.
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Why did the owl ’owl?
Because the woodpecker would peck ’er.
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What’s an owl’s favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hoo.”
“Hoo, who?”
“Are you an owl?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owls say.”
“Owls say, who?”
“Yes, they do.”
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Britain’s most common owl?
The teatowel.
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An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder.
The barman asks, “Where did you get that?”
The seagull replies, “Down the tip, there are heaps of them there.”
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The bird developed an illness.
I think it started when the bird flu.
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They ran out crying ‘bird flu’!!!
I looked up and couldn’t see any, I’m sure they were lying.
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Outbreak: New strain of bird flu discovered!!!
It’s called Chirpies.
It’s a canarial disease.
It’s untweetable.
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The bird flu is pretty nasty.
Luckily, it’s tweetable.
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What’s the first sign that you have caught bird flu?
Fowl symptoms.
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Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?
Apparently he got it from a cardinal.
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What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.
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Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wig warm.
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Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the roadrunner.
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A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
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A man went to the pet shop to buy a budgie.
“I would like a blue budgie please” he said to the assistant.
“I haven’t got a blue one,” the assistant replied. “I’ll sell you a green one and a tin of paint. You can paint it yourself.”
“OK,” said the man, “that’ll do.”
The next day, the man comes back. The budgie is dead.
“Look at this,” said the man. “It died while I was painting it.”
“That’s odd,” said the assistant, “I’m sure that paint was safe.”
The man replies, “I never got round to painting it. It died when I was burning the old paint off…”
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It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo.
They get really blue.
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What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay.
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What do you get when you cross a blue jay with a parrot?
A bird with no identity.
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What do you call a blue owl?
A hoo-dini.
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Why did the bluebird get kicked out of the forest?
Because it was a bird of pray.
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What does an owl need after taking a bath?
A t-owl.
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Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a Nest-cafe.
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Yo daddy is so dumb he tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
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Why do ducks fly over Alabama upside down?
There’s nothing worth craping on.
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Which country has the worst air force?
Turkey. None of them can fly.
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Why did the llama cross the road?
Because it was the chicken’s day off.
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What language do Brazilian geese speak?
Portu-geese.
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What do you call two ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese?
A paradux.
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A hunter shoots a flying goose one day.
Proud of his hit he walks to fetch it only to see a farmer waiting for him, holding the goose.
“Sorry sir, this goose is mine. I shot it,” explains the hunter.
The farmer replies with a smirk, “But it landed on my property, so it’s mine.”
“Excuse me? You can’t just take what’s mine! Hand it over, right now!” The hunter is clearly angry.
The farmer’s grin gets bigger.
“Alright alright,” the farmer says calmingly. “Let’s settle this with a simple game we use around here to resolve an argument. The winner will keep the goose. The rules are simple. I’ll kick you in the nuts and see how much time it takes you to recover. Then you’ll do the same to me. Whoever recovers faster is the winner.”
The hunter, provoked and angry, agrees immediately.
The two get ready, the farmer kicks first. He takes a full swing and hits the hunter right between the legs.
The hunter nearly blacks out. A moment passes before he screams in agonizing pain, holding his crotch. His knees give in and he falls face-first onto the ground.
Time passes and the hunter does his best to endure the pain and get back up.
Eventually, still in pain, the hunter gets back onto his feet.
With teary eyes and a sore throat he says, “Now it’s my turn!”
The farmer looks at him smiling, shakes his head and goes, “Nah, man, It’s fine, you can have it. Here’s the goose, I didn’t want it anyway,” and walks off, laughing out loud.
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What happened to the geese when they fell down the stairs?
They all got goose bumps.
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Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?
To be fair, it’s really hard for geese to kill sharks.
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What do you call a possessed bird?
A polter-goose.
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Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position.
But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
There’s more geese on that side.
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I have a racing goose for sale.
Let me know if you wanna take a quick gander.
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When will Ryan Gosling be old enough to be called Ryan Goose?
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My geometry teacher is really upset that her pet parrot died yesterday.
Polly gone.
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What looks like half a flamingo?
The other half.
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What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
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It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird.
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
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What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
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Why are baby flamingos so badly behaved?
Because the parents never put their foot down.
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Why are flamingo’s legs so long?
Because if they weren’t then they couldn’t reach the ground.
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Flight allows flamingos to avoid predators.
Natural selection is why flamingstays are extinct.
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I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up...
If they pulled up both legs, they would fall over.
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What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flamin-ghost.
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Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
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Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
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Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because it got run over half-way.
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Why didn’t the roast chicken cross the road?
It didn’t have the guts anymore.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was trying to escape the gravitational pull of your mother.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
If you saw Chuck Norris coming, you’d have crossed that road too!
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free range.
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Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of all the jokes.
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Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
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Did you hear about the bird flu?
I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.
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Bird flu.
Bird landed.
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What did the dad turkey say to his stubborn child?
“If your mother could see you now, she’d be turning over in her gravy.”
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Do songbirds get mad at hummingbirds...
Because they don’t know the words.
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What does a predator call a hummingbird?
Fast food!
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Why was the turkey in the pop group?
Because he was the only one with drumsticks!
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What do you call a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.
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It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
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Why do birds fly south for the fall?
Because it’s quicker than walking.
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What do you get when you put a chicken, a cow, and a pig together?
A hot dog.
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Why did the vegetarian hot dog cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
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One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night.
It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon.
Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted by the noises of the deceased chickens.
We had a poultrygeist.
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It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
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It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
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I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he’s James Bond.
Well, I suppose he is a Shorn Canary.
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My twin brothers dressed up as a bird this Halloween, guess what they said?
Trick or tweet.
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“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.
“Why not, son?”
“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”
“But why don’t you want to go today?”
“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”
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A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.
After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later, the rooster walks in.
He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
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What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?
Birds are always perching on it!
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An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.
The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!”
She said, “I can teach it good manners.”
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?”
It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.
She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said “Brr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
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Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey—he’s always stuffed.
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Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
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Bula decides it’s time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.
Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.
After a year, at the New Year’s Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.
Johnny: “Well, how’s the business going?”
Bula: “Bad brother, sorry about everything!”
Johnny: “Why?”
Bula: “I don’t have any chickens anymore!”
Johnny: “Good god, why?”
Bula: “If I know, I think I’m doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or don’t water them enough, but one doesn’t raise the hen.”
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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Who’s first?”
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Psychiatrist: “What seems to be the problem?”
Patient: “I think I'm a chicken.”
Psychiatrist: “How long has this been going on?”
Patient: “Ever since I came out of my shell.”
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