Enjoy our team's carefully selected One-Liner Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
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As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme.
They stopped building monuments immediately.
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Did you hear that Johnny’s grandma is 80% Irish?
Her name is Iris.
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Do you know that beer makes you lean?
On walls, toilets, and refrigerators.
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TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.
I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
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A Muslim man told his wife that she needed to start embracing her mistakes.
So she gave him a hug.
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Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
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Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?
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I found a “Fresh Baked Bread” scented candle. I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread.
But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.
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Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad.
So I walked over to him and said, “I think you’re supposed to open that first.”
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I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
They smell just like burned toast.
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Preschools and bars have the same rule.
You pee your pants, you go home.
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Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
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After hours of waiting for the bowling alley to open...
We finally got the ball rolling.
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Bowlers do not make good employees.
This is because 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
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Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
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A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family. She was five hours late and her family was getting worried.
When she finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD...”
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Noticed the ladies’ restroom door was missing the ‘W’.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen.
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Walked into a restroom and saw an “Out of order” sign on a urinal.
It’s going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order...
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Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying “Employees must wash hands”.
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
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When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren’t paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, “Don’t you understand the gravity of this situation!”
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When the student asked the history teacher what questions would be there for the history exam, she answered “The past”.
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My least favorite Thanksgiving leftovers are the relatives who don’t leave until Monday.
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The EU was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner.
But they refused to have turkey.
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I confused Thanksgiving with Tanksgiving.
Now I’m in trouble with the U.S. Army.
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Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There’s always yelling, crying, and plate-throwing.
Also, it’s hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.
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Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings.
One by one...
As each relative goes home.
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As a Canadian, I never realized how slow my internet was until today.
I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!
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Chicken to turkey:
“Only Thanksgiving and Christmas? You’re lucky, with us it’s any Sunday.”
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Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.
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Yo mama so old she ate Dodo on his first Thanksgiving.
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Hey, I know you’re in love, but it’s time to break up with your bed and get out of there.
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I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning”.
If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
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If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
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Five word horror story:
Unexpected item in bagging area.
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If you ever feel lonely, just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies.
After a while, you won’t feel like you are alone anymore.
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I’ve just started to read a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
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Easter this year is April Fools’ Day.
Just remember that so you don’t fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
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Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
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For April Fools, my girlfriend replaced my Alpha-Bits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
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In the spirit of Easter, I’ve hidden eggs around the apartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I’m not telling my roommates.
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Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better.
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The barman in the pub looked over at me and said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?”
“Why would I want two empty glasses?” I asked.
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I remember the day my ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.
I told her, “Tips to cook delicious food.”
And then she asked me why I was crying.
I answered, “I have reached where they are cutting onions.”
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I asked my aging father why he doesn’t have life insurance.
“Because, son, I want you to be truly sad when I die.”
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Deep sleep prevents aging.
Especially when you are driving.
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I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar.
I’ve now got milk all over the kitchen top.
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Nobody wants to be alone.
A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance. Beer belly, completely bald...
I don’t like her chances.
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Keeping The Romance Alive
I still love to spoil the love of my life.
If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me she’s on her way. I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.
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My husband is as handsome as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein.
His name is Frankenstein.
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After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet.
It was then I shared my dark secret, “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”
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My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
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I asked a window cleaner if he liked his job.
He said he could see himself doing windows every day.
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If you were to clean a vacuum, would you be a vacuum cleaner?
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When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?
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Doctors hate this one easy trick to lose 15 lbs fast!
The flu.
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The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend.
Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend.
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When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my dad said, “Well, have you tried euthanasia?”
In the background, I could hear my mom yell, “For the last time, Henry, it’s pronounced ‘Echinacea!’, ‘Echinacea!!!’.”
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I did that ancestry DNA thing, and it came back that I was 20% American Indian.
It makes sense because after I went to prom it rained for 2 weeks.
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On an application form I was filling out was the question “Who should we notify in the event of an emergency?”.
I wrote “The 911 operator”.
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Did you know that according to 911 choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a “bear attack”.
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I once accidentally poured glue in my son’s corn flakes.
He’s never talked to me again.
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If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need.
Not all this “How did you get in my house??!!!” business.
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Artists know how to draw the line, so you can’t really peer pressure them.
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The artist was great.
He could always draw a crowd.
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A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
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My family is all worried about my addiction to dot puzzles.
It’s OK though... I know where to draw the line.
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I just dropped my phone in the bath.
Now it’s syncing.
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I’ve seen a meteor shower...
But never seen a meteor take a bath.
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My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space.
I mean, what a thing to say to a friend. It totally ruined our bath!
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Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
She still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.
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I met a girl last night and after so flirting asked her if she wanted to come home with me to play “Doctor”.
So when we got to my place, I left her sitting on my couch with a bunch of outdated magazines on the end table for 2 1/2 hours before I came out of my bedroom.
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A doctor just flirted with me. She also said that I was really sweet.
Well, her exact words were “severely diabetic”, but I know what she meant. I got the hint.
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This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
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I’d like to thank everyone who taught me the definition of ‘many’.
It really means a lot.
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Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.
Unfortunately, they didn’t catch on at that time, since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.
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Yo mama so stupid she thought The Exorcist was a workout video.
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I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
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I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
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Whatever you do, always give 100 %.
Unless you are donating blood.
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My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress.
So I didn’t open his bills.
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A cookie a day keeps the sadness away.
An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
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What’s a skunk’s philosophy of life?
Eat, stink, and be merry.
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Philosophy:
A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
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An actor suffering from dementia just hit my car. I got him arrested.
As he was getting arrested, he kept saying, “Do you know who I am?!”
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An actor I know fell through the floor recently.
It’s just a stage he was going through.
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Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.
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After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath.
She wasn’t content. I’m so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
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If you’re stressed, try ironing clothes.
It’s a great way to let off some steam.
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When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.
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I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I’m paying for it.
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My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
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Today I donated a watch, a phone and $500 to a poor guy.
You can’t know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.
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I never knew what happiness was until I got married.
And then it was too late.
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Yes, money can’t buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.
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I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted.
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My fridge stopped working...
It’s not cool.
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A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.
The police still can’t see the full picture.
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My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
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I’m thinking of taking up acting.
Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?
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People call my obsession with the afterlife suicidal.
Truth be told, I’m dying to find out if there is life after death.
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Apparently, describing the beautiful city of Hiroshima as “The bomb” is not okay.
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What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?
An ambulance!
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If Chuck Norris is defusing a bomb and has a choice of red wire, yellow wire and green wire, he chooses blue.
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When Chuck Norris was a kid, he entered a pool bombing competition.
This place now widely known as the Niagara Falls.
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Chuck Norris can blow up things, without a bomb.
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A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding.
The cop said, “Do you know how fast you were going, Sir?”
The guy replied, “I was just trying to keep up with the traffic.”
The cop said, “There is no traffic, Sir.”
The guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am?!”
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I got pulled over by a traffic cop.
He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.
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A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?”
I replied, “Kindergarten.”
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My friend thinks he’s intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
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I hate being a depressed atheist.
Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.
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Did you hear about the evangelical atheist?
She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.
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My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear an Arsenal support shirt for two weeks.
So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked, and verbally abused.
It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.
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Bad news: The lovely architect down my street has passed away.
Good news: His coffin looks super cool.
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Lawyer: “Everybody hates lawyers until they need one.”
Architect: “Everybody loves architects until they need one.”
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I was driving down the road today when I say a sign for fresh Amish cheese that read, “Made with real Amish milk.”
I didn’t even know you could milk the Amish.
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It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa.
The university responsed, “Why do we need another phone company?”
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Did you hear about the $4,000,000 Alabama State Lottery?
The winner gets $4 a year for a million years.
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My brother just broke the record by downing 22 jets.
He’ll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Air Force.
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What is the propeller used for on an airplane?
Many people do not know this, but is actually for air conditioning.
If you ever get to see it when the propeller stops, the pilot suddenly starts sweating.
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AI will never take away my job.
Only an idiot would do my job.
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Have you heard about the new game getting released?
It’s AI is 20 years ahead of it’s time, the graphics are truly real life, it has an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible.
It’s called “Go outside and ride your bike!”.
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My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
We still don’t know to whom that leg belonged.
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The policeman told me he was chasing a man with one leg.
I told him to use both, he would get him faster.
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I saw a one-legged man with no arms at the ATM today. He asked me to help him check his balance.
So I pushed the guy over.
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A stormtrooper and a redshirt are in a room.
The stormtrooper shoots the redshirt, but misses every shot.
The redshirt dies anyway.
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My wife said she would divorce me if I kept quoting Star Trek.
So I said, “Number Two, make it so!”
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On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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New Year’s Eve forecast:
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
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I have an archaeology exam tomorrow.
And it doesn’t matter if I pass or fail because either way my future’s in ruins.
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Bit nervous about my maths exam.
Think my chances of passing it are 40-40.
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I’m like the American Airlines of dating.
We understand you had other options of relationships and we’re sorry you chose me.
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The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.
It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.
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In your 20s: dress like you’re on the catwalk!
In your 40s: dress like you walk cats.
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No woman should have kids after 40.
Really, 40 kids is more than enough!
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If you add the two numbers in your chronological age, you get your true age.
So you’re 5 now, and you can’t really argue the similarities. Five-year-olds have a tough time tying their shoes, can barely spell their own name, and need help reading!
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You know you’re 50 when that come hither look you used to have in your eyes just doesn’t look as enticing through your bifocals.
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You know you’re 50 when you’re thankful when someone tells you that you have lipstick on your teeth because it means you still have teeth.
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You know you’re 50 when your face has more wrinkles than an elephant’s backside.
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You know you’re 50 when you and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.
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You know you’re 50 when you now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.
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I wanted to make nachos, but my dad took the cheese.
He claimed it wasn’t mine.
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TIL the inventor of Nachos was a notorious cheese thief.
His friends often remarked, “Hey, that’s not yo cheese.”
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When my fiancee told me that the dip on the table was nacho cheese, I asked her where my cheese was.
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This is ridiculous. It’s July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.
One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.
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Did you hear about the karate master who joined the military?
He saluted and nearly chopped off his own head.
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My friends keep calling me a joker.
But no matter how many decks of cards I search through, I still can’t find my face on a single one.
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Old electricians never die, they just get discharged.
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I’d hate to be a dragon.
I’d get so angry trying to blow out my birthday candles.
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Mothers of teens understand why some animals eat their young.
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Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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There’s a great new machine at my gym.
I felt sick after I’d used it for an hour, but it’s got everything: Doritos, Snickers, Mountain Dew...
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I just saw real, a real idiot at the gym.
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
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I’ve been going to the gym for five years now, and I still don’t have abs.
It sucks being the cleaner.
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I go to the gym religiously.
About twice a year, around holidays.
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I’m like a ninja at the gym.
Because you’ll never see me there.
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It’s been six months since I joined the gym, and still no progress!
I’m going there in-person tomorrow to see what’s going on.
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While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
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Brought nachos to salsa class.
Huge misunderstanding.
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My doctor warned me that constantly singing Frank Sinatra songs was bad for my health, but I just wouldn’t listen.
And now, the end is near.
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Avril Lavigne could have just called her song Skater boy instead of Sk8er Boi.
Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated?
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I hate those people who knock on your door and say “You need to get ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn’”.
Stupid firemen.
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A tip to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right and then to the left.
Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered something to eat.
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I went to the gym to work out, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.
Technically, they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.
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Hotel receptionists always seem to be such massive perverts.
They spend all day checking people out.
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I stayed in a hotel recently where the towels were so thick...
I could hardly close my suitcase.
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When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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I put an electric fence around my garden.
My neighbor is dead against it.
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
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Success is like a fart.
It only bothers people when it’s not their own.
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A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.
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My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek.
It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.
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My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
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I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
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I’ve opened three birthday cards, and I’m already $150 up.
I love being a postman!
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I watched the Indian version of How I Met Your Mother.
There’s just one episode, and it was about the wedding.
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When I went out for a curry last week, I saw that the menu had about 20 different types of curry on it.
So I asked for a clean one.
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Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?
It means “Lousy Hunter”.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent.
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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Alcoholics don’t run in my family.
But sometimes they fall down the stairs.
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If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.
If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
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Do you want to invest in my startup company to destroy all vampires?
I’m the main stakeholder.
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I visited a real graveyard yesterday...
I logged back into Myspace.
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It was so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
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It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.
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It’s so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.
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It’s so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
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It’s so cold, you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
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It’s so cold, the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
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Did you know, you can make any dish an autumn dish by adding one simple step?
Try dropping it on the floor.
It really gives it that fall flavor.
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Whenever autumn comes around, I like to walk around and collect the colorful leaves.
It sounds better than saying I’m a street sweeper.
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For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked because it’s the most accurate way of measuring my weight.
If that’s true, I still don’t get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.
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I was always told you lose a lot of friends after deciding to better yourself.
I never believed it until all of my friends disappeared after I started taking my schizophrenia medication.
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“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
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My doctor must be a very visual person.
Whenever I have a cold he holds out my medication and says “vitamins, see”.
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My wife mentioned that she couldn’t remember if she took her anti-anxiety medication.
I asked if she was worried about it.
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My pharmacist recently lost his arm.
Now I call him my “phacist”.
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A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.
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I heard an uber from your eyebrows to your hairline is like 40$.
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When I saw your hairline I thought you worked at McDonald’s.
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Yo hairline is so bad when you look in the mirror yo hairline looks like an endangered specie.
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You know you’re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.
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The lice in your head are starting to concern over deforestation.
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Your forehead is a 20-mile taxi ride from your eyebrows to your hairline.
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I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
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It’s cleaning day today.
I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
😄 😄 😄
It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.
The wife and the mother-in-law.
😄 😄 😄
I love vegan food!
It makes an excellent side dish to any meat.
😄 😄 😄
Marriage is an institution of three rings:
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
😄 😄 😄
A golden rule of the wife:
There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.
😄 😄 😄
The relationship between a man and a woman is a psychological one.
The woman is psycho, the man is logical.
😄 😄 😄
Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
😄 😄 😄
An Iranian on taking revenge on America:
“America has no hero that we can target. It’s a huge country, but no real heroes. Who are we going to assassinate there? Spider-Man? SpongeBob?”
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man was found dead this morning.
Police believe he committed insecticide.
😄 😄 😄
The last twenty-five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.
For instance, I've lived through more Spider-Man re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man 1: “Homecoming”
Spider-Man 2: “Far from Home”
Spider-Man 3: “Homeless”
😄 😄 😄
I really needed Spider-Man to come and save the day, but he said he couldn’t get out of the bath.
😄 😄 😄
Have you ever seen how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning the game?
I found out that this is frowned upon in bowling.
😄 😄 😄
How Chuck Norris plays golf?
He stares at the ball and the ball goes into the hole to hide.
😄 😄 😄
All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children’s activity center.
It’s like they’d never seen a naked man before.
😄 😄 😄
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
😄 😄 😄
When asked the temperature I enjoy giving it in Kelvin.
I’m losing my friends by degrees.
😄 😄 😄
It was so hot by the time I got home from buying eggs, I had twelve chicks in the bag.
😄 😄 😄
It is so hot that potatoes cook underground.
😄 😄 😄
It is so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that you can tell who has plastic surgery.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that firecrackers light themselves.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that my clothes dried right after I took them out of the washing machine.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that Satan went back to hell to cool down.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that my popcorn seeds start popping.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with pot holders.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot Siri asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot in the Apple store because they have no Windows.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot my dream house in any house in Alaska.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot out that I baked lasagna in my mailbox.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot out that I walked through a car wash to remember what rain felt like.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot, that you could actually cook a full English breakfast on my forehead.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot, I went outside for a smoke and the cigarette lit itself.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that all the bread in the store is toast.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot and humid outside, the air ironed the wrinkles out of my shirt.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
😄 😄 😄
I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.
Everyone looks surprised.
😄 😄 😄
I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.
I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.
😄 😄 😄
My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.
Cleanup was a breeze.
😄 😄 😄
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work, but get all the credit.
😄 😄 😄
Since quarantine I’ve not had a haircut. Hell, I’ve not even stepped on the scales.
So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.
Who knew hair weighed so much?!
😄 😄 😄
Thought I saw my first super hero today. He was sprinting down the street wearing a cape.
Turns out, he hadn’t paid for his haircut.
😄 😄 😄
I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.
It’s my wife’s birthday and I thought, “What the hell! I’ll treat her.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so fat when she farts scientists on Tatooine think the star around Coruscant just went supernova.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat she pooped out the Death Star!
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma’s so fat she uses Kamonians as toothpicks.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mamma’s so fat I saw her using a Star Destroyer as an ironing board.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat she played basketball with the Death Star.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma’s so fat the Millenium Falcon can hide in her belly button.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short that you had to use a toothpick to compete in the javelin.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short that I can’t see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short that when you get angry at people for making fun of you, all you can do is bite their ankles.
😄 😄 😄
You are so short that you can do push-ups underneath a closed door.
😄 😄 😄
You are so short you fell from curb and nearly dies.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short that you can save on rent by living in a doll’s house.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short she sat on a coin and her feet didn’t touch the ground.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so short she doesn’t roll dice she pushes them.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short she gotta use an elevator to go up each step.
😄 😄 😄
Your momma’s hair is so short she curls the hair with a grain of rice.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short that she does pull-ups on a staple.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short that she can play handball on the curb.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short that when she sneezes she hits her head on the floor.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short she committed suicide by jumping off the curb.
😄 😄 😄
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
😄 😄 😄
Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly disappointing.
😄 😄 😄
I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog.
After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn’t good for dogs.
😄 😄 😄
Chocolate is like guns.
If you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend.
😄 😄 😄
Public Service Announcement:
“If you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs”
😄 😄 😄
life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
It’s more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris once soaked his beard in carbonated water.
The result is now sold as Red Bull.
😄 😄 😄
A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.
Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.
😄 😄 😄
Then I said, “Your beard makes you look thinner.”
...But that didn’t seem to cheer her up.
😄 😄 😄
When I was a young boy, my father taught me how to be a bearded man.
He took me into the bathroom, picked up a razor, and ate it.
😄 😄 😄
I was thinking of getting rid of the beard.
But I’ve had it for so long that at this point, it makes the decisions for me.
😄 😄 😄
I am half Spider-Man, half Batman, and half Moon Knight...
Poor.
With no powers.
With mental disorders.
😄 😄 😄
The center of a donut is 100% fat-free.
😄 😄 😄
Warning!
Birthday donuts will make your clothes shrink!
😄 😄 😄
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
😄 😄 😄
You need to understand the difference between want and need.
Like I want abs, but I need donuts.
😄 😄 😄
The optimist sees the donut whole.
The pessimist sees the donut hole.
😄 😄 😄
A person at the store asked me if doughnuts are healthy.
I don’t know, but I never met a sick one in my entire life.
😄 😄 😄
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
😄 😄 😄
I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...
I’ve been banned for life from that shop.
😄 😄 😄
The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God.
They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It.
😄 😄 😄
I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts.
It’s called “Hole Foods”.
😄 😄 😄
I was on a Zoom meeting just now and my husband needed to go behind me, so he thoughtfully crawled to stay out of the camera, which means instead of seeing him walk by in his pajamas, my coworkers saw him crawl by in his pajamas.
😄 😄 😄
My commute to work today was just awful!
Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.
😄 😄 😄
During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background.
So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.
Turns out he was asking what’s behind me on our Zoom call.
😄 😄 😄
I like working from home.
It’s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
😄 😄 😄
A brief rise in suicide is related to the Covid pandemic.
Murderers are working from home.
😄 😄 😄
At 11 am, my Boss asking me the status of work from home.
But at that time, I am trying to remember who is he.
😄 😄 😄
I put my pants on the same way as everybody else.
Not at all because Zoom calls only see the top of the body.
😄 😄 😄
I can’t work with idiots.
That’s why I work from home and got rid of all the mirrors.
😄 😄 😄
I just saw a burglar kick in his own door.
It looks like he was working from home.
😄 😄 😄
Note to self:
before baby-talking to the cat, make sure conference call has disconnected.
😄 😄 😄
Before “working from home” became a thing, I had no idea how great it would feel to walk around naked and fart all day whilst working!
😄 😄 😄
I don’t work well under pressure...
...or any other circumstance.
😄 😄 😄
I like work. It fascinates me.
I sit and look at it for hours.
😄 😄 😄
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
😄 😄 😄
My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.
I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
😄 😄 😄
How is my husband still late when working from home?
😄 😄 😄
When working from home, for focus and mental health, it’s really important to NOT just wear your pajamas!
Wear yesterday’s clothes you grabbed off the floor.
😄 😄 😄
Work is really interfering with my enjoyment of working from home.
😄 😄 😄
Working from home is not so bad. I’m starting to get the hang of it.
I can work in my pajamas, have a glass of wine with my lunch, and have my lunch at 9 a.m.
😄 😄 😄
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
😄 😄 😄
I’ll never forget this solar eclipse, it’ll forever be seared into my mind...
...and retinas. I really should’ve worn some glasses.
😄 😄 😄
You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve invented a solar-powered still!
It turns sunshine into moonshine.
😄 😄 😄
August 20, 2020:
Scientists have discovered a “mystery object” in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.
March 1, 2021 (Update):
Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve finally saved up enough for solar panels.
What’s holding me back is that I can’t afford a house.
😄 😄 😄
CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!
I love the stuff. My only complaint is that it had a real e-lawn musk smell to it.
😄 😄 😄
When we go to the beach with the kids, we use a really strong sunblock.
It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
😄 😄 😄
Being vegan is so easy that I literally just stare at the sun and I’m satisfied.
Thanks, photosynthesis.
😄 😄 😄
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
😄 😄 😄
Warning!
Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You’ll strain your eyes.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
😄 😄 😄
Madonna is 54 and her boyfriend’s 25.
Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend’s 26.
So if you’re single it’s ok, maybe he’s just not born yet.
😄 😄 😄
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married... I didn’t want him to.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend just broke up with me over video games...
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
😄 😄 😄
I like to show my girlfriend who’s the boss in our house.
I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.
😄 😄 😄
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
😄 😄 😄
My boyfriend said he wanted more space.
So I locked him outside.
😄 😄 😄
I want to be the reason who makes you look down at your phone and smile...
And then walk into a pole...
😄 😄 😄
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh harder.
😄 😄 😄
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it’s just not as big.
😄 😄 😄
I wish I had as much hope as the guy driving the ice cream truck around in February.
😄 😄 😄
My small friend always argues that vanilla, chocolate and strawberry are the three best ice cream flavors.
I think he has a Neapolitan complex.
😄 😄 😄
I love Valentine’s Day: the bottle of wine, the heart-shaped ice cream cake...
Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching YouTube videos.
Good times.
😄 😄 😄
When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.
Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.
😄 😄 😄
Got an ice cream for my girlfriend.
Best trade I ever made.
😄 😄 😄
My sister said I’m being immature.
I guess she isn’t getting her nose back.
😄 😄 😄
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friends’ noses.
😄 😄 😄
My sinus infection is really getting into the Christmas Spirit.
It’s all coming out green and red.
😄 😄 😄
My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors.
But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn’t smell good.
😄 😄 😄
The nose was very tired because it kept running.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma’s nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!
😄 😄 😄
Yo moma so lazy she sticks her nose out the door and let the air blow it.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so stupid she combs the hair in her nose and not on her head.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s nose is so big she can smell a fart coming.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s nose hairs are so long that they make Bobobo jealous!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s breath is so bad that when she talks her nose hairs fall out.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat when she sat on a dollar bill she squeezed a booger out of George Washington’s nose.
😄 😄 😄
Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high... he just couldn’t stop as fast.
😄 😄 😄
Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.
😄 😄 😄
You are the only person that can smoke a cigarette in the rain with your hands tied on your back.
Your nose is like a natural canopy.
😄 😄 😄
You must love staying outdoors.
I hear plants make oxygen just for you.
😄 😄 😄
You got the whole world in your nose. How lucky are you.
😄 😄 😄
Your nose was on time, but you must have been a few minutes late.
😄 😄 😄
One eye told the other, “Between you and me, something smells.”
😄 😄 😄
Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.
😄 😄 😄
My poor dog doesn’t have a big nose.
That makes him smell terrible.
😄 😄 😄
Your nose is so big that when you sneeze... Everyone runs for cover!
😄 😄 😄
My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.
And they’re off!
😄 😄 😄
Our local woods are full of mushrooms right now.
I’m always tripping on them.
😄 😄 😄
All mushrooms are edible.
But some mushrooms are only edible once.
😄 😄 😄
“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday?
One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.
😄 😄 😄
I bet on a great horse yesterday!
It took seven horses to beat him.
😄 😄 😄
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
😄 😄 😄
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
😄 😄 😄
My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.
😄 😄 😄
It would have been a photo finish, but by the time my horse finished, it was too dark to take a picture.
😄 😄 😄
I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding.
After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.
😄 😄 😄
I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did!
Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.
😄 😄 😄
I keep trying to get into horse racing, but they’re too fast for me.
😄 😄 😄
The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog.
He’s the only one who feeds the hand that bites him.
😄 😄 😄
I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
😄 😄 😄
I love being a grandparent in retirement.
I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.
😄 😄 😄
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is:
“Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
😄 😄 😄
In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.
On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...
😄 😄 😄
Good morning!
Monday through Friday, nine to 5, I reach function along with someone who reaches the workplace, with determination, increasing the spirits of every one of his office mates... after that there’s you! You are additionally at the workplace!
😄 😄 😄
Every night, I go to bed determined to be productive the following day.
Here’s to a good morning... tomorrow.
😄 😄 😄
Good morning, sweetie!
When I get up, my initial idea is of just how you feel, after that, I obtain you a cup of coffee, placed it down, as well as back away, gradually...
😄 😄 😄
Good morning!
The boss is out sick so I’m taking it upon myself to declare today a sick day for us all. Go back to bed!
😄 😄 😄
Good morning, workmate!
Being around you has inspired me... to quit as well as locate a new work!
😄 😄 😄
On Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy...
Getting up off the floor is another story.
😄 😄 😄
Some people wake up finding messages like “Good morning baby”.
I wake up with “Battery full, Remove charger”.
😄 😄 😄
I always wanted a life like a Disney princess.
I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day.
😄 😄 😄
Disney is updating a children’s classic with a pandemic theme.
It’s called “The Never Ending Story”.
😄 😄 😄
Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.
She clearly isn’t a fan of protection.
😄 😄 😄
I have decided to pursue my dreams... good night!
😄 😄 😄
I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile.
Turns out they prefer money.
😄 😄 😄
The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
😄 😄 😄
Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.
They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.
😄 😄 😄
They brought the hot dog in for questioning.
He gave the... wurst... answers.
😄 😄 😄
I wish love is like a baby shampoo it has “No more tears formula”.
😄 😄 😄
True love is like a pillow: you can hug it when you’re in trouble, you can cry on it when you’re in pain, you can embrace it when you’re happy.
So when you need true love, Buy a pillow!
😄 😄 😄
Love is a very complex matter of chemistry. And that is why my partner treats me like toxic waste!
😄 😄 😄
Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, it’s going to end in a mess.
😄 😄 😄
Love is a lot like peeing your pants.
Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.
😄 😄 😄
Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...
WRONG... What every woman really wishes for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.
😄 😄 😄
One time I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message.
30 seconds later I heard my uncle crying in the next room...
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
😄 😄 😄
Never laugh at your girlfriend’s choices.
You’re one of them.
😄 😄 😄
Yeah, I like NFTs...
Nachos,
Fajitas &
Tacos.
😄 😄 😄
Last night I made fish tacos.
They looked at them and just swam away.
😄 😄 😄
My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
😄 😄 😄
Today I made a big pot of pasta,
but when I went to dump the pot into the sink, I think I strained something.
😄 😄 😄
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
I’m feeling canneloni right now.
😄 😄 😄
I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend’s mustache.
Now she’s not talking to me.
😄 😄 😄
The worst part about being a giraffe...
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris invented the Giraffe when he roundhouse kicked a spotted Horse in the chin.
😄 😄 😄
I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.
😄 😄 😄
When my boss asked me why I showed up late for our Zoom meeting, I told him that he wouldn’t believe the network traffic.
😄 😄 😄
Working from home. Day 1:
This’ll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.
Day 8:
Engages in conversation with a lamp...
😄 😄 😄
There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after... and working from home.
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The house cleaner told me that she was going to start working from home, so she sent me a list of chores.
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I like to wrap myself in a blanket when I work from home.
You could say I now work undercover.
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I tried to call Spider-Man, but he was busy browsing in the web.
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Did you know that the internet was invented by Spider-Man?
That’s why it’s called The World Wide Web.
If it had been invented by Superman, it would be called the World Wide Cape.
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My girlfriend said I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.
What a Joker.
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Yo Mama so stupid she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.
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Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
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You are like dandruff because I just can not get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.
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Don’t walk through a field of mushrooms.
It’s quite a tripping hazard.
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How come “you’re a peach” is a compliment, but “you’re bananas” is an insult?
Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
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The moon is just a football Chuck Norris kicked up when he was a kid.
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Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
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Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
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The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
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Yo Mama is so old she’s got a Bible autographed by Jesus.
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Santa saw your Facebook pictures...
You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
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We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
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I always shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating those two pizzas by myself.
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Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy.
There were no survivors.
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I burned 2000 calories today.
I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
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The only love triangle I want is a slice of pizza.
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Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.
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To whoever stole my Microsoft Office:
I’m coming after you. You have my Word!
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Everyone during the summer tries to make sure they have an air conditioner.
But no one has any air shampoo.
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I love summer in Canada!
It’s my favorite day of the year!
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If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:
right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.
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I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
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It has been said about tax:
“For doing wrong, you are taxed a fine.
For doing well, you are fined a tax.”
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Welcome to the accounting department, where everybody counts!
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They say that two things in life are unavoidable: death and taxes.
At least death only happens once!
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Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves.
The IRS office is of the same opinion.
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Intaxifcation: The wonderful feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.
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Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a slim body.
Please do not mix it up like last year.
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Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.
Well luckily for me my future self won’t be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.
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Can anyone recommend a good bank account?
Mine’s run out of money...
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Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”
Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!
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My girlfriend has an OnlyFans account and it’s doing really well.
I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.
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My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year.
He said he’ll be wearing the same kilt as the groom.
I love the idea, but I’m really not sure how they’re both going to fit into it.
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The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.
That way you can keep your hands warm when you’re pushing it home in the winter!
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My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, “My door is always open!”
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What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?
By the time she got home, it was toast!
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Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache and glasses, I think
“There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.”
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Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.
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Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.
The loser had to go live in the North Pole.
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Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.
Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.
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An onion just told me a joke.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
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Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.
It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.
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Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realized my entire life is a joke...
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I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.
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President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.
Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
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Dear Students,
I know when you are texting in class. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.
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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.
She used to say “You shall not pass!”
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In high school, teachers had to raise their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.
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My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.
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My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.
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I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.
He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.
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Never fight a math teacher. You’ll always be outnumbered.
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85% of people in America don’t know basic math.
Thanks God I’m from the other 25%.
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Dear math,
Please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
Thanks!
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I was going to buy a pocket calculator.
But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.
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Dear Math,
I am sick and tired of finding your “x”. Just accept the fact that she’s gone. Move on dude.
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My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... she’s imaginary.
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I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...
They’re too fast. I’d never win.
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I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.
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I first realized I was going bald when it started taking longer and longer for me to wash my face.
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Yo mama is so ugly her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.
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I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.
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Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.
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My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
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Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?
My ex!
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I won a wet T-shirt competition. Guess what I got?
Pneumonia!
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The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
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I was trying to solve a few equations about circles. Guess what?
It was pointless.
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My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.
So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?
She couldn’t do either.
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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Diet day 1:
I removed all the fattening food from my house.
It was delicious.
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To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
“Hello.”
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A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.
She must be exhausted.
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Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
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If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They’re normally around 90 degrees.
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It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.
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My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldn’t fix.
I suggested, “Break its legs.”
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My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.
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The only clan thing you find in a well cleaned big nose is fingerprints.
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If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.
I guess that’s why they moo.
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The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.
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Your nose is so big that when you lie on your back in the pool, people think it’s a shark!
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Yo mama so stupid when she threw a grenade at me, I pulled the pin and threw it back.
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Your mama so stupid she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.
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Your mama so stupid she cut holes in her umbrella to see if it was raining.
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Your mama so stupid she yelled into an envelope because she wanted to send a voicemail.
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Your mama so stupid I told her Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
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Yo mama so small she has to wear a torn napkin as a dress.
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Your mama so short she has to hold a sign up that says “Don’t spit, I can’t swim”.
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Yo mama so old she rode dinosaurs to school.
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Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s very time-consuming.
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My neighbors listen to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
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I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
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Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
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Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
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Chuck Norris once ate a Rubik’s Cube and pooped it out solved.
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When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
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There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
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The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!
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Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.
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Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
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Your mama so short people thought she was a Funko Pop.
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Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun sweat.
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Yo mama so hot when she got into the Arctic Ocean it turned into a hot tub.
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Your mama so hot when she visits Antarctica locals call it summertime.
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Your mama so hot rangers banned her from National Parks for starting forest fires.
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Your mama so hot her hugs give third-degree burns.
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Your mama so hot scientists deemed her the leading cause of global warming.
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Your mama so dumb she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.
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Your mama so dumb she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
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Your mama so dumb she sits on the TV and watches the couch!
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Your mama so dumb she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
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Your mama so dumb she bought a solar-powered flashlight.
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Your mama so old she farts dust!
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Your mama so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick!
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Your mama so old when she was young, rainbows were black and white!
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Your mama so old her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!
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Yo mama so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!
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Your mama so ugly when she walks into a bank they turn off the cameras.
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Your mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest they said "Sorry, no professionals".
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Your mama so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
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Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
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Your mama so fat she sat on a dollar and when she got up there were 4 quarters.
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Your mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says “to be continued”.
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Your mama so fat she gets group insurance!
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Your mama so fat a picture of her would fall off the wall!
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Yo Mama's appetite is so huge she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.
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Yo Mama's so disgusting she keeps maggots as pets.
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Yo momma's arm-pits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.
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Your mama's got a leather wig with suede sideburns.
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You so dumb you have to stop during track workouts to ask for directions.
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You so dumb you once tried to exchange a bib number because you thought the whole thing was printed upside down.
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When Chuck Norris was a baby, he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.
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When Chuck Norris’s parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.
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When the Tooth fairy comes to your house, she takes your tooth and gives you money.
When Chuck Norris comes to your house, he breaks your tooth and takes your money.
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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.
It’s now called Red Bull.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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Yo daddy is so stupid that he got locked in a grocery store and starved!
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When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.
I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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My father was stupid.
He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
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I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great-uncle fought for the west!
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I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.
Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.
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I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
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I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...
I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.
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The boss said I should go home because I really don’t look good.
I don’t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.
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Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ll have an H2O please.”
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Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
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You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
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Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
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People treat me like a god.
They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.
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If God really made everything…
He’s Chinese, right?
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Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
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My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.
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Earth is the third planet from the sun.
By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.
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“I wanna be the sun of your life!”
“Then stay at 1 000 000 km of me!”
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.
Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
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We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons.
If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.
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Your momma so short she takes a shower in a raindrop.
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Yo momma so short she can’t say a thing without a microphone!
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Yo mama is so short when she plays Fortnite she can hide under the freaking store.
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Your mama so short she has to slam dunk her bus fare.
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Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!
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Yo momma so hot doctors say her blood type is lava.
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Your mama so hot when Electra and Haspiel saw her, they burned to death.
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Your mama is so hot I gotta wear oven mitts to touch her.
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Yo mama so hot she makes jalapeños cry.
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Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun look like Antarctica.
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Yo mama so dumb she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
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Yo mama is so dumb and hungry the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.
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Your mama is so dumb when dad said it’s chilly outside she brought a spoon and a bowl.
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Yo momma so dumb when y’all were driving to Disneyland she saw a sign that said “Disneyland left” so she went home.
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Yo momma is so dumb she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
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Yo mama so old she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.
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Yo momma is so old I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.
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Yo momma so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
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Yo Mama is so old Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.
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Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.
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Yo mama is so ugly that most Snapchat filters make her better looking.
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Yo mama so ugly she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.
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Your mama is so ugly she made One Direction go in another direction.
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Your momma so ugly when she looks in the mirror the reflection ducks!
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Yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry.
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Yo momma is so stupid when I said “Drinks are on the house” she got a ladder.
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Yo mama’s so stupid she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said “concentrate”.
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Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn’t find the “CALL” button.
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Yo Mama’s so stupid she thinks Los Angeles is where God lives with all his angels.
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Yo mama so stupid I said “Kool-Aid” and she jumped through the wall.
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Yo mama is so fat that the National Weather Service names each of her farts.
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Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight, not your phone number.”
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Yo momma so fat she can’t reach her back pocket.
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Yo mama so fat when she died she broke the stairway to heaven.
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Yo mama so scary you thought the monsters in your closet were friends.
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Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
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Yo mama’s so fat I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.
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Yo mama’s appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.
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Yo mama so stupid she tried to save a fish from drowning.
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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Who’s first?”
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When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
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I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
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It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed.
Nobody wants a loyal snake.
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