Enjoy our team's carefully selected Old Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it.
I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore, which is understandable.
The bike was already retired.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Yoda.”
“Yoda, who?”
“Yoda one getting older today!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Not as old as.”
“Not as old as, who?”
“Still not as old as you!”
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What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?
24 Karat cakes.
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Why was the Thanksgiving feast expensive?
It had 24 carrots!
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Yo mama so old she ate Dodo on his first Thanksgiving.
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A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman.
“What’s the secret to your longevity?”, he asked.
Old woman: “Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone.”
The reporter laughed, “That’s ridiculous. That can’t be the real reason.”
The old lady smiled and nodded, “You’re probably right.”
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Marri-Age and Old-Age
Relative: “You are getting old. You should get married now.”
Me: “Will that stop aging?”
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Wife: “Do men wipe after they pee?”
Aging husband: “Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…”
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What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?
Bond. Gold Bond.
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What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
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An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into, “They’ve stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it... even the steering wheel!”
The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.
Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch, “Disregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake.”
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The bed-and-breakfast was owned by a little old lady who would cook the most amazing biscuits for breakfast every morning.
The guy loved these biscuits so much that he would eat five or six every morning, and he even extended his stay at the bed-and-breakfast just so he could eat more of these amazing biscuits.
Finally, after a few weeks he decided to ask her, “Ma’am, these are the most amazing biscuits I have ever eaten in my life. How do you make them taste so good?”
The little old lady smiled and said, “It’s nothing really. All I do is mix about 2 cups of flour with one teaspoon of sugar, one tablespoon of baking powder, and three mouthfuls of buttermilk.”
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In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.
One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.
The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, “I hear you are 102!”
“That’s correct,” said the old man with a smile.
“Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!”
“Thank you,” said the old man humbly.
“Do you mind if I ask...”
“How am I this healthy at my age?” finished the old man. “Help me carry this wood back home, and I’ll tell you.”
The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.
“You see,” said the old man, “I’ve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I’ve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! That’s why I’m in the great shape I am.”
“But if that’s the case,” said the puzzled visitor, “how come your wife is in such great shape too?”
“Well,” smiled the old man, “she usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.”
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What did the 30-year-old computer engineer say on his birthday?
“I’m just a byte older.”
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An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip.
Now and then, the rabbi’s grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable.
After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, “I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What’s your secret?”
The rabbi replied, “Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of God. So they look up to me.
But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?”
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After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”
Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the exam.”
Professor: “Okay, it is a deal. So what is the question?”
Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.
Afterward, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 32-year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 21-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”
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John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed, “There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?”
“It’s simple,” John says, “I lied to her about my age.”
“Did you tell her you were 50?” his friends ask.
John shakes his head no.
“There is no way she could believe you were 40.”
John shakes his head again.
Friends: “So how old did you tell her you were exactly?”
John smiles and says, “85.”
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How is a comic nerd the same as an old man?
They both have back issues.
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How do you know all suicide bombers self identify as being old?
They are all boomers in the end.
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Two retired British Army officers are speaking.
1st officer: “Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”
2nd officer: “I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”
1st officer: “I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village, and armed with my rifle we set out.
Several hours into the hunt and deep in a mangrove swamp, we stumbled upon fresh tracks.
It was not more than a few minutes of tracking the great beast when we heard it—a low, guttural sound from behind.
I quickly turned and as I readied my rifle, the tiger leaped from the shadows, teeth, and claws bared. Rrrraaaaaarrrrrr! I shat my pants.”
2nd officer: “Of course, you shat your pants, old chap. You were attacked by a Bengal Tiger!”
1st officer: “No, right now when I went ‘Rrrraaaaaarrrrr!’.”
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Why are hamburgers so happy at barbeques?
They get to meet all their old flames.
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My grandma was famous for her delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so everyone could visit and enjoy them.
I fulfilled her wish.
She’s dead and berried.
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My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She just drinks straight out of the bottle.
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My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair.
Nice way to go.
The dentist got a shock, though.
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I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.
It’s just really hard to find thirty-two of them willing to do it.
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What do you call a 60-year-old who hasn’t reached puberty?
A late boomer.
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I started a dating site for older people.
OK Boomer.
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While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, “How old are they?”
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s a rather exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
“Well,” answers the guard, “The dinosaur bones were seventy-three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
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What do you call a 200-year-old Buffalo?
A bison-tennial.
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An little old woman arrives home from bingo and her husband comes running up to her saying, “Thank goodness you’re home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!”
She replied, “A lunatic? There were hundreds of them!”
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A woman told her friend, “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.”
She said, “So, I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was already over.”
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One benefit of old age is that your secrets are safe with your friends, they can’t remember them either!
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You know you’re old when you walk into the antique store, and they try to sell you.
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Every year on my birthday, I remember...
That I’m one year closer to being back in diapers.
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Why shouldn’t you wear glasses as you get older?
You won’t see wrinkles when you look in the mirror. Everything looks nice and smooth.
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How do you know you’re old?
It’s your birthday, and there are more candles than cake.
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My dad always said there are two ways you know that you’re getting old.
The first is that you start to forget things. I can never remember the second one.
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My grandad is getting old and he’s starting to have a hard time with all the stares.
It’s his own fault, I told him not to get that face tattoo.
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Getting old certainly has its benefits.
Every birthday party is a surprise birthday party when you reach 80 years of age.
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You know you’re getting old when a lady wants you to pay for her implants.
She means dental implants.
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An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet. As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.
He rushes to the phone and calls 911.
“I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!”
“Okay sir, we have dispatched officers, they should be there in about an hour.”
“An hour?! But they’ll be long gone by then!”
“I’m sorry, sir, but there are no officers in your area.”
The farmer hangs up angrily, waits 10 minutes and then calls 911 again.
“Hi, it’s me again. Don’t worry about sending those cops, I’ve just shot the robbers,” and he hangs up.
Less then 10 minutes later, three cop cars and a helicopter arrive and the robbers are arrested.
The sergeant goes up to the house and bangs on the door. The farmer opens it in his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea.
“What’s going on here!? You said you shot the robbers!”
“You said there were no officers in my area.”
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My grandpa told me, “You Millennials are too dependent on technology.”
So I plugged out his life support.
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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness—a grandmotherly, elderly woman—to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair!”
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The young man, as he was golfing alone, not being able to say no, allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball—and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk, and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall.”
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A stairway builder was retiring.
On his last workday the manager held a speech for him in the lunchroom.
“This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of each other and reach heaven!”
The retiring builder, a bit red from embaresment, responded quietly, “Oh, thank you for your kind words, but I have mostly been building basement stairs...”
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Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.
In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes of silence.
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A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel’s elevator.
On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, “Giorgio, $100 an ounce.”
On the next floor, an equally beautiful woman steps on and says, “Chanel, $150 an ounce.”
The old lady’s floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, “Broccoli, 49 cents a pound.”
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If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age.
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
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An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was surprised to see his happy demeanor.
Doctor: “What is the secret of your good health?”
Old man: “I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling. And then come back and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health.”
Doctor: “Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died?”
Old man: “My father died! Who told you that he died?!”
Doctor (surprised): “You mean that you are 80 years old, and your father is still alive? So how old is he now?”
Old man: “He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine.”
Doctor: “This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family’s genes. So, how old was your grandfather when he died?”
Old man: “My grandfather died! Who told you that he died?!”
Doctor (puzzled): “You mean that you are 80 years old, and your grandfather is still alive very much! What is his age?”
Old man: “Yes, he is 123 years old.”
Doctor: “I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too?”
Old man: “No, Grandpa could not go this morning, because he is getting married today.”
Doctor (on the verge of going mad): “Why would he want to get married at the age of 123?”
Old man: “Who said he wanted to get married? He had to be forced.”
Doctor (shouted): “But why?!”
Old man: “The Girl is pregnant, that’s why.”
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since. The clinic is closed.
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My granny started cycling at 97 years old. She has been doing ten miles per day.
And now we don’t know where the heck she is!
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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult to work since the ground was hard.
His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Paul,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love
Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love
Paul.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
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Even though it’s been 20 years since my grandfather choked to death on a piece of sushi...
It’s still pretty raw.
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A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.
A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, “Your cat got run over by a car and died.”
The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.
His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.
A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.
“What?” he asks.
His friend replies, “Your grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.”
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A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 60th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice, luxurious hotel.
The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.
“It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the clerk.
The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.
The manager showed up and explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.
“But I didn’t use them,” the old woman said.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” he replied.
The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
“We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” he said.
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
The manager replied, “Well, we have them, and you could have.”
Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, “But I didn’t use it!”
The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.
The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him.
“But madam, this check is for only $50.00,” he said.
“That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” the old lady replied.
“But I didn’t!” the manager shouted.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
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What do you call a retired old cowboy?
De-ranged.
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A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.
One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind.
A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain his curiosity, we stopped by the next day on his way home and knocked on the farmer’s door.
An old man answered, and he asked him about the pig with the wooden legs. The old man thought for a few minutes before answering.
“Well, son, let me tell you about this here pig.
One day I was out plowing in the back forty, and my tractor hit a rut. It tipped over and trapped me under it. I was pinned down and slowly pushed into the mud, where I knew I was going to be smothered and die.
This pig saw what happened, ran back to the farm, and made a huge ruckus. Then, when people came out to see what was going on, he led them to me.
Yep, that pig saved my life that day.”
The man agreed that was an amazing story, but he still didn’t understand about the wooden legs.
The old farmer thought some more, then told him another story.
“Well, a couple of nights ago, my wife and I were sleeping in the house when the barn caught fire. The wind was kicking up, and it was spreading to the main house.
If it weren’t for that there pig banging on the windows and squealing and raising Cain, we would have died in that fire.
Pig saved our lives, no doubt about it.”
The man was flabbergasted, “Sir, I will grant you that is a marvelous animal, but I still don’t understand why it has two wooden legs?”
The old farmer looked out into the yard and nodded to the pig, “Son, you must be a city boy, because everybody knows a pig that good, you don’t eat all at once.”
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My lucky day! I didn’t have enough money for the Honda, but the dealership took pity on me and gave me an old Fiesta.
I couldn’t afford an Accord, but I was accorded a Ford.
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An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road
The driver discovers he has no service and can’t call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him.
“Hey man, having car trouble?” the driver asks.
“I’m afraid so,” the driver of the Fiat answers.
“Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I’ll tow you to the nearest garage,” says the BMW driver.
The Fiat driver is overjoyed at this and together they couple the little hatchback to the BMW using a rope.
As the BMW driver gets in, the Fiat driver asks him something, “This is an old car, so please drive carefully.”
The BMW driver nods his head, “Just honk if I’m going too fast.” With that, he gets in and they drive away.
They drive for a while, when suddenly a Porsche races by them. The BMW driver doesn’t like this blow to his ego at all and starts chasing down the Porsche.
As they race down the road, they pass a farm.
The farmer looks at the spectacle and walks inside.
“What’s the matter with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” his wife says.
The farmer replies, “I just saw a BMW and Porsche racing, and an old Fiat honking to get past.”
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Two elderly farmers were reminiscing about the good old days.
“When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day, and still be on my property,” says the Texas farmer.
The old farmer from Kentucky said, “Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... You should have got a Ford, hell. They’ll get ya all the way ta town and back!”
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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death—we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
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I stopped by grandmother’s house and I’m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.
She’s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess I’ll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.
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What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
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An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
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A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.
“Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,” the pharmacist says. “Don’t worry,” replies the patient. “It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.”
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When we were children, we used to refer to our granddad as Spider-Man.
He didn’t have any special powers, he just couldn’t get out of the bath without any assistance.
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Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”
😄 😄 😄
Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the gutter.
😄 😄 😄
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.
A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.
“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”
“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.
“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.
“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own damn business!”
😄 😄 😄
There was a young pregnant woman. Her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.
She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.
So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly, “Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank you.”
She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!
The woman continued to wait for her newborn and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months, and years passed, the baby never came!
Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.
They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:
“You go first!”
“No, you go first!”
😄 😄 😄
Knick-knack paddywhack, guess what that old man gave his dog?
A bone.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old her birth certificate says “Expired”.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old her breast milk is powder.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old her first Christmas was The First Christmas.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old her first cruise was on Noah’s Ark.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old her first pet was from Jurassic Park.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old not even the time stone could make her young.
😄 😄 😄
An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, “I’m going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?”
His wife answers, “Yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.”
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, “Honey, are you sure you don’t want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.”
“No, no, I’m sure I’ll remember what you asked for.”
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, “Well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!”
😄 😄 😄
An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.
She unloads on the doctor, “Doctor, my friends are all being awful people! They’re all telling me I fart all the time, and it’s just plain rude of them!
“Oh really?” The doctor says.
“YEAH! They’re ALL silent so I have no idea why they’d point them out. On top of all that, for them to tell me my gas is enough to gag a maggot. How could your friends say that!!”
“I see,” the doctor says.
“YEAH!! I’ve even felt a few fly out in the office and you’ve not had a SINGLE problem in this visit.”
“Here, take these pills, they should help you out.” The doctor says.
It’s been a day now, and the doctor’s pensively reviewing some charts, when all of a sudden the old lady busts into practice, shouting at the receptionist for the doctor to see her RIGHT AWAY.
She says, “Doctor, what the hell have you done with these pills?! I’m farting ALL THE TIME now and it smells like a landfill!”
After a deep breath, the doctor says, “Now that your nose is fixed, let’s work on your gas and ears.”
😄 😄 😄
After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
She’s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”. EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.
October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”.
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here”. One of the clerks passed out.
😄 😄 😄
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s barrel racing there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”
“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re up here in the slack on Friday.”
😄 😄 😄
I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
😄 😄 😄
I love being a grandparent in retirement.
I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.
I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.
😄 😄 😄
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady.
She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”
“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.
I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
“Because we’ve got no teeth,” she replied.
“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.
“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”
😄 😄 😄
Albert’s retirement party presentation.
“Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company.
Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.
So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?
The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
😄 😄 😄
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
😄 😄 😄
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “arthritis.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama is so old she’s got a Bible autographed by Jesus.
😄 😄 😄
One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.
The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”
The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.
The officer says, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”
The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.
The officer says, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”
Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”
The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.
He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.
With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.
Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.
Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically, and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”
😄 😄 😄
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. The appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
😄 😄 😄
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”
😄 😄 😄
Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.
The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”
Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.
“FATHER!” he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”
😄 😄 😄
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?!” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.
“We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like Heck, they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.
“They’re coming for Easter and paying their own way.”
😄 😄 😄
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old she rode dinosaurs to school.
😄 😄 😄
A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to an old lady’s door.
She answers and he says, “I’m so sorry, I ran over your cat. I’d like to replace it.”
The old woman says, “Okay, how good are you at catching mice?”
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old she farts dust!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old when she was young, rainbows were black and white!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!
😄 😄 😄
An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.
The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!”
She said, “I can teach it good manners.”
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?”
It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.
She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said “Brr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"
😄 😄 😄
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so old I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama is so old Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.
😄 😄 😄
