Enjoy our team's carefully selected Music Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Did you hear about the time Bob Marley went to the hairdressers?
He was dreading it.
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What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
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What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
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Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
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What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
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Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
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What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
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Why did the cactus join the orchestra?
Because it could play the prickle-o.
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Person 1: “I like Eminem.”
Person 2: “Well, I prefer Skittles.”
Person 1: “No, I meant the rapper.”
Person 2: “Why would you eat the wrapper?”
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Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn’t handle the bars.
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Which rapper is the most acceptable to Muslims?
Halal Cool J.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Howard.”
“Howard, who?”
“Howard you like to sing Christmas carols with me?”
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Chuck Norris plays the violin with a piano.
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The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
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Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
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Why are musical comedians never allowed to cook dinner during Thanksgiving?
Because they always burnham.
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Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer?
Because he had the drumsticks!
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Who’s going to the concert festival on Thanksgiving Day?
The bands will be Meatloaf, Korn, The Cranberries, and Smashing Pumpkins.
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Donald MacDonald, from the Scottish Highlands, went to study Law at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his old mother came to visit him.
“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.
“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people... The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”
“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful, noisy English neighbors?” she asked her son.
Donald replied enthusiastically, “Mother, I do nothing. I simply ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
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What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone.
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What is a pianist’s favorite cheese?
Mozzartrella.
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Why can’t violins finish a crossword puzzle?
Because violins never solved anything.
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What do you call a flu that became a musician?
Achoo-bacca.
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The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.
The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.
Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it.
His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.
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Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
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An orchestra conductor calls 911, “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”
The 911 operator says, “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”
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What is Bob Marley called on a motorbike?
Bob Harley.
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We’re feeling so blue.
We used to be the Blue Man Group.
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I went to a blues concert dressed in all black.
I guess I wasn’t feeling very blues-sympathetic.
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What’s a blueberry’s favorite song?
Anything from the Blue Album by Weezer.
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When the rapper needed surgery, he got a hip-hop replacement.
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What’s a hip replacement’s favorite type of music?
Hip-hop.
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Why did the planet Uranus join a band?
It wanted to planet self in rhythm.
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What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?
Space Opera.
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Why don’t violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
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How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
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Why do violists stand for long periods outside people’s houses?
They can’t find the key, and they don’t know when to come in.
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My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
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The best way to find a Puerto Rican?
Turn off the music and listen for the complaints.
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Why did the llama win the rap battle?
Because he was good at spitting.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a bass player’s arm?
A tattoo.
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What do you call a bass player who broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
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A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I’ve been having trouble playing it.
I guess I can’t complain though, it’s not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached.
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I found a pebble that looked like a guitar pick.
Must be for rock music.
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“Why are you using our daughter as a guitar?” my wife asked.
“You told me to rock her to sleep,” I replied.
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What is God’s favorite guitar chord?
G-Sus.
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What a strange morning.
First, I find a hat full of money in the street.
And then I get chased by an angry guy with a guitar!
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I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school, and my friend asked, “You play an instrument?”
I replied, “Yeah, I play a little guitar.”
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks her, “First offender?”
She says, “No, first a Gibson then a Fender.”
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My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.
It’s part of her minstrel cycle.
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I bought a guitar made out of diamond.
Now I can play some hard rock.
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Chuck Norris won a guitar battle with a violin.
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Why was Ginger the only real Spice Girl?
Because Cumin, Parsley, Basil and Garlic were rejected.
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How do you make a recipe pop with ginger?
Play Spice Girls songs while you cook.
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Lava is the hipster of the geology community.
It knew how to rock before it was cool.
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While in college, I got degrees in geology and astronomy.
I’m trying to become a rock star.
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A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of drummers.
They called ground control with a list of demands. Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren’t met they will release one drummer an hour.
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A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!”
The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.”
A week later, the guy is back, “Doc, still no movement!”
The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later, the poor guy is back, “Doc, STILL nothing!”
The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a musician, I play the drums.”
The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it! Here’s $10. Go get something to eat!”
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My neighbor rang my door bell at 3 AM this morning. Can you believe it! 3 AM!!
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
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What did the drummer call his twin sons?
Tom.
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What’s a drummer’s favorite vegetable?
Beets.
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I knew a drummer who became a policeman years ago.
He’s still pounding the beat.
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I used to be the drummer in a progressive 80s rock band called Prevention.
We were better than The Cure.
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The best gift I ever got was a broken drum.
You can’t beat it.
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What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
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Why was Michael Jackson bad at chess?
He couldn’t decide if he was black or white.
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The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called Sound of Wasps.
When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.
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What is a beaver’s favorite rap artist?
Timber-land.
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Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, “It is awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn’t it?”
Other recruit replies, “Everyone must be watching the band.”
“There is no band on this ship.”
“No, I definitely heard the captain say “A band on ship!”.
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Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
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Have you heard of the band 999 Megabytes?
They’ve never had any gigs.
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The band The Doors have decided to change their name after the next member dies.
It’s gonna be Three Doors Down.
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What do the Backstreet Boys and algebra teachers have in common?
They both want you to tell them Y.
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A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite online music app?
Spot-a-fly.
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What does Michael Jackson have in common with NASA?
It’s been decades since their first moonwalk.
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What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing”.
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I sold a thousand CDs but only made enough money to buy one ice cream.
Probably because each CD was Milli Vanilli.
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Why did the DJ get disqualified from the 400m sprint?
He kept changing tracks.
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I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with earpiece).
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Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter says, “We’re pretty full, so we’re making people pass additional tests.
I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and he’s only letting in people who have a connection to Jets.”
All three sets of eyes light up.
Sondheim steps up and says, “I wrote the definitive American musical, and it was all about a gang called the Jets.”
St. Peter waves him through.
John Madden says, “I coached in a classic NFL game, where my Raiders beat the Jets on a last-second touchdown.”
Also gets waived through.
St. Peter says, “OK, Betty, what about you?”
She smiles and says, “If he’s really omniscient, he knows what I do in hot tubs...”
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I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”
I said, “Not at all.”
He said, “‘Kiss?’”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel”
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My neighbors listen to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
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I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.
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“Somebody just gave me a shower radio.”
“Do you really want music in the shower?”
“I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”
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Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
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Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
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