Enjoy our team's carefully selected Marine Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Red ship hits blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, take the simple phrase “Secure the building”.
The Army would post guards around the place.
The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.
The Air Force would take out a five year lease with an option to buy.
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Once a programmer drowned in the sea.
Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1 F1” and nobody understood it.
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Did you know that dolphins sometimes eat cephalopods like an octopus?
Seriously, I’m not squidding.
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Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because there afraid of the net.
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Why did the dolphin go to the dentist?
He had an appointment.
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What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water?
Dolphout.
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A new study shows that dolphins are second in intelligence to man.
I guess that puts women in third.
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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg.
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What do you call a boring person from Finland?
A dolphin.
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My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt.
It used to be a dolphin.
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I lost my pet dolphin.
Now my life has no porpoise.
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A teacher told her first grade class, “A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!”
A little girl gasped, “How about the married ones?”
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I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day.
We just... I don’t know. We just clicked.
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What do you call a female crab who is also single?
Ms. Shell.
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A crab walks into a bar.
The barman says, “I can’t serve you mate, you’re already walking sideways.”
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Scientists have discovered that crabs hear through their legs.
They said they yelled at a crab and it ran away.
Then they cut off its legs and yelled at it again. And this time the crab didn’t run away.
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My dad told me to never trust crabs.
They’re shellfish.
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What do you call a crab that throws things?
A lobster.
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How do crabs get around on land?
They use the sidewalk.
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If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
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It’s ironic how my aunt died given that her zodiac sign is cancer.
She was killed by a giant crab.
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I asked the waiter, “Do you serve crabs here?”
He said, “Take a seat. We serve everybody.”
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Why don’t you ever find beavers at sea?
They don’t have much gnaw-tical experience.
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Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, “It is awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn’t it?”
Other recruit replies, “Everyone must be watching the band.”
“There is no band on this ship.”
“No, I definitely heard the captain say “A band on ship!”.
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Last time I went fishing, I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don’t quite remember the rest of the day.
All I really know is that I pulled a mussel.
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What did the pirate name his pet clam?
Michelle.
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What’s the fastest speed at which a seahorse swims?
At a scallop.
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I went out to a seafood restaurant the other day.
My friend ate all the prawns. Rather shellfish of him.
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I don’t trust people on the west coast who don’t like seafood.
There’s something fishy about them.
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I saw an interview with Sean Connery about how he used to scuba dive for seafood.
He said, “Every time I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically searching for a place to hide, so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself...
that’s shellfish.”
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My girlfriend left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants.
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels.
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My wife and I went down to the seafood market, but I didn’t trust the employees there.
They seemed a little fishy.
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I knew I shouldn’t have eaten the seafood.
I’m feeling a little eel.
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What is a seafood an Italian would love to have?
A moray.
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I’m on a seafood diet.
I see food and I eat it.
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I saw a blind man eating seafood today.
It didn’t help.
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Several aristocrats are having a party on a cruise ship, when the captain comes down and interrupts.
“I have some good news and some bad news,” he says. “Which do you want to hear first?”
“Good!” everyone says in unison.
The captain says, “We won eleven Oscars!”
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What did the lettuce say to the ship?
ICEBERG!
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What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don’t know, lettuce sea.
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My wife was talking about funeral plans.
My Wife: “I said we’ll give you a military send off like the sailors on a ship.”
Me: “I was in the Air Force.”
My Wife: “OK, we’ll toss you out of an airplane.”
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My Papa was a World War 2 Navy veteran, and he used to boast about how he saved 300+ sailors from dying from an excruciating death.
He shot the cook.
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A sailor was drilling holes in an oligarch’s yacht.
A police officer approaches the sailor and asks him what he is doing.
The sailor puts down the drill and says, “Oh, me? Uhhhm... as a matter of fact, I am here to bless the ship.”
The police officer looks skeptical, “You’re here to bless the ship?”
Sailor: “Yes, that’s right! I am making it very holy.”
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One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.
Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.
The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.
Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, “Bring me my red shirt.”
The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.
The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterward when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.
He responded, “If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me.”
The crew had a newfound admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery.
About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said, “Boys, bring me my brown pants!”
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The crusty navy chief noticed a new face and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”
“John,” the new seaman replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of foolishness they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name!” the chief scowled.
“It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever.
And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?!”
“Aye, Aye, Chief!”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The seaman sighed, “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”
“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …”
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Where do sailors go when they feel sick?
The dock-tor.
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How do retired sailors greet each other?
Long time no sea.
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Where do late sailors come from?
Missed-his-shippi.
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A sailor walks into a thrift store after he lost a limb to a giant octopus.
He said, “I heard this is a second-hand shop, where they at?”
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What is a sailor’s least favorite vegetable?
Leeks.
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What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?
Helsinki.
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What is a pirate’s least favorite workout?
Planks. His favorite is chest day.
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Why does pirate like to eat pie?
Because PIE RATING is in their job description.
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I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasn’t home.
Forget the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!
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What do you call a sea of hot dogs?
Frank Ocean.
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Guess what made the sea monster such a successful comedian?
He was always kraken everyone up.
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I was dreaming of an orange ocean tonight. Guess what?
It was a Fanta sea.
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I am pretty sure that my algebra teacher is secretly a pirate.
He constantly is trying to find X.
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Why did the pirate cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
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What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?
8 pirates.
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the pegleg?”
The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman.
“What about your hook?”
“Well,” replied the pirate, “we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman.
“How did you get the eye patch?”
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook...”
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What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?
A rookie.
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Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him!
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From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”
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Your mama so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick!
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
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