Enjoy our team's carefully selected Job Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
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Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
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What’s the difference between a physician and a preschool teacher?
One has a job with patients, the other has the patience of job.
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My father quietly retired from his job as an eyeglass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
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It was a regular day in first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living.
Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didn’t really understand their parents’ jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all.
When they got to Little Johnny, he stood up and said, “My dad cuts people in half.”
“Oh, really?” asked the teacher with a smile, “You mean he’s a magician?”
“I don’t know,” said Johnny.
“A surgeon, maybe?” asked the teacher.
“I don’t know,” repeated Johnny.
“Then why do you think he cuts people in half?” asked the confused teacher.
“Because I have two half brothers and three half sisters.”
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Recently, I’ve started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.
It’s a tough job, but I enjoy it.
It really has its prose and cons.
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I asked a window cleaner if he liked his job.
He said he could see himself doing windows every day.
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What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?
“911 is an inside job.”
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I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine.
I’m under a lot of pressure.
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I asked my friend what he was doing to stay happy in his job.
And he said he was always searching for blue skies.
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He has a blue-collar job.
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AI will never take away my job.
Only an idiot would do my job.
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My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.
She’s in charge of the hops.
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A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence... The rest of the year went quite smoothly.
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What’s worse than getting a job at McDonald’s?
Not getting the job at McDonald’s.
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I used to have a job collecting leaves.
I was raking it in.
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Why wasn’t one of the gingerbread men decorated?
He wasn’t cut out for the job.
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Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.
The question they’re all asked is, “What’s 2+2?”
The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”
The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll make it 5 just to be safe.”
The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, “How much do you want it to be?”
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I saw my sister weeping uncontrollably, worried that her Economics degree wouldn’t land her a job.
I said, “Are you having a financial cry, sis?”
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I have degrees in Politics, Economics and Psychology.
I don’t have a job, but at least I know why.
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Why did the Java developer quit his job?
Because he didn’t get arrays.
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I was depressed in my job as a guillotine operator.
I just couldn’t see myself getting ahead in life with that job.
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I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.
It’s a whisk I was willing to take.
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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, “Don’t do that again.”
“Sorry,” I said, “It must be the nerves.”
“Fair enough,” he replied, “But there was no need to hold the microphone to your ass.”
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I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.
It was my manager’s fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.
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How can an artist fill in a CV?
Drawing from experience.
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People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs.
That’s nonsense—what about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?
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Agency: “Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?”
MD: “Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone, and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation:
1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.
2. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.
3. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
4. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
5. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
6. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
7. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
8. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
9. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
10. If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.
11. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And...
12. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
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A jobless man applied for the position of Office Boy at a very big company.
The employer interviewed him, then a test “Clean the Floor”.
“You are hired,” the employer said. “Give me your email address, and I’ll send you the application to fill out, as well as when you will start.”
The man replied, “I don’t have a computer or an email.”
“I’m sorry,” said the employer, “if you don’t have an email that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.”
The man left with no hope. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 USD in his pocket.
He then decided to go to the supermarket, bought a 10 kg tomato crate, then sold the tomatoes door to door. In less than two hours, he succeeded and doubled his capital.
He repeated the operation 3 times and returned home with $60 USD. The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go every day earlier, and returned late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his fleet of delivery vehicles.
Five years later, the man’s company was one of the biggest food retailers. He started to plan his family’s future and decided to have life insurance.
He called an insurance broker and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email.
The man replied, “I don’t have an email.”
The broker replied curiously, “You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?”
The man paused for a while and replied, “An office boy!”
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When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.
Well, I got a job doing stand-up in a comedy club and no one’s laughing now.
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What a pun’s dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist.
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Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?
He wanted an off-ice job.
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New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.
The manager told him, “Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:
If they say how much are the mangoes, you say “$5 a kilo”.
If they ask if they’re ripe, you say “Some are, some aren’t”.
If they say they don’t want to buy, you shrug and say “If you don’t, someone else will”.”
After many attempts using hand gestures, he is satisfied that Con gets it. So he leaves Con alone to see how he goes on his first day.
The first customer comes in and asks how much the mangoes are.
He says, “Five-a dolla per-a kilo.”
The guy asks if they are ripe.
He says, “Summa dey are, Summa dey aren’t.”
He says maybe next time.
So Con shrugs and tells him, as instructed, “If you-a don’t, summabody else will.”
The guy shakes his head and leaves.
Later, another customer comes in.
He asks Con for the time.
Con replies, “Five-a dolla per-a kilo.”
The guy looks very confused, stares at Con for a few seconds, and then asks him, “Is your whole family crazy like you are?”
Con shakes his head and replies, “Summa dey are, Summa dey aren’t.”
The guy is getting pretty angry by now, thinking Con is playing with him.
The guy says, “So, do you want me to punch you in the face right now?!”
Con shrugs again and says, “If you-a don’t, summabody else will.”
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Yo mama so fat, she sweats butter and syrup, and has a full time job at Denny’s wiping pancakes across her forehead.
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Why does pirate like to eat pie?
Because PIE RATING is in their job description.
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I just got a job at a pharmacy. The pay isn’t great...
But the percs are amazing!
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Why did the disgruntled hot dog vendor quit his job?
He just didn’t relish it.
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Why did Spider-Man quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
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Spider-Man gets a job in the CIA.
What does the officer tell him?
Spy-there-man!
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Last year, I had a job at the bowling alley.
It wasn’t for long though; I was only tenpin.
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What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?
Reapply.
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A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you’ve ever seen.
“Give me two shots of Jack Daniels,” he says to the bartender. “One for me, and one for you.”
“You know, I don’t drink on the job,” the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, “And that’s why I like you better than my barber!”
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A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview.
The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.
The first one asks, “Who do you think the best soccer player in the world is?”
The smart guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.
The second interviewer asks, “When did the phone come out?”
The smart guy replies, “The first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Do you believe in UFOs?”
The smart guy replies, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers, and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.
Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasn’t that bright so the first one asked, “Who is your father?”
The dumb guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.”
The second interview asks, “When were you born?”
He replied, “I came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Are you dumb?”
The dumb guy says, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
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Friend 1: “You’re working from home because of the coronavirus?”
Friend 2: “I’m working from home because I don’t have a real job. We are not the same.”
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Just kissed my husband intimately on the back of the neck, as I walked past him while working from home.
He started this job on Monday. I thought he was watching a video. He was on a meeting with the CEO.
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My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.
I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
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I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop, but I turned it down.
I don’t like working on sundaes.
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There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after... and working from home.
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My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”
Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.
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Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy.
There were no survivors.
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Retail job interview (2012).
“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”
“You mean after the global pandemic or before the war?”
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It’s true women do make less money than men. But it’s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.
Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.
Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
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If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:
right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.
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I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
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I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.
Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.
I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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Two friends talking:
“Hey, can I borrow some money? I’m broke.”
“Get money from your job.”
“I got fired.”
“Why?”
“My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.”
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