Enjoy our team's carefully selected Jesus Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What’s the secret to Jesus’ summer beach body?
Cross fit.
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What’s a Christian’s favorite flower?
Jesus Rose.
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Jesus walked on water.
Chuck Norris swims through the land.
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A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week, she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, “He was born in a manger.” Bobby said, “He threw the money changers out of the temple.”
Little Johnny said, “He has a red pickup truck but he doesn’t know how to drive it.”
Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you learn that, Johnny?”
“From my daddy,” said Johnny. “Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and daddy yelled at him, ‘Jesus Christ! Why don’t you learn how to drive?!’”
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After Jesus’s trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
“I don’t know. I’ll keep you posted.”
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Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.
He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson’s Nails.
“Give me a week,” says the friend, “and I’ll be back with an ad.”
A week goes by, and the marketing executive comes to see Benson. He opens his laptop and presses play:
A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, “Use Benson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”
Benson goes mad, shouting, “What is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!”
Another week goes by, and the marketing man comes back to see Benson with another ad.
He turns his laptop around and hits play. This time, the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, “Benson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”
Benson is beside himself, “You don’t understand: I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.”
A week passes, and Benson waits impatiently.
The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them stops, turns to the camera, and says, “If only we had used Benson’s Nails!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Jesus Christ, I’ve come here to save you.”
“Save me from what?”
“From whatever I’m gonna to do you if you don’t let me in.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Jesus.”
“Jesus, who?”
“Jesus Christ, open the door.”
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Easter this year is April Fools’ Day.
Just remember that so you don’t fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
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What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
“April Fool! I’m not really dead!”
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Did you know the first Easter and the first April Fools’ Day coincided?
The founder of both was a real trickster… He faked his own death!
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What did the first person to get April fooled say?
“Jesus! I thought you were dead!”
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A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”
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Why did Jesus deactivate his Instagram account?
Because he only had 12 followers.
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What did the first person to get April fooled say?
“Jesus! I thought you were dead!”
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A Mormon mother was preparing pancakes for her sons—Owen, 5, and Bill, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.”
Owen turned to his younger brother and said, “Bill, you be Jesus.”
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Which vegetable betrayed Jesus?
Judas Is-carrot.
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Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”
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A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.
Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father—who was a minister—if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, “Son, I’m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”
The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”
His father replied, “Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!”
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Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.
The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.
All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
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Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.
The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”
Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.
“FATHER!” he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”
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