Enjoy our team's carefully selected Husband-Wife Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
😄 😄 😄
A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.
The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.
When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing “Happy birthday!”.
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A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.
Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife’s back and says:
“Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You’re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they’re sticking to the pan! Careful!
Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don’t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!”
The wife stares at her husband:
“What’s wrong with you?! You think I can’t fry a few eggs?!”
The husband answers calmly:
“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
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A man left for work one Friday morning.
Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
“That would be fine with me”, he replied.
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
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Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
😄 😄 😄
Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”
She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
😄 😄 😄
It’s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.
He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.
He responds, “No, the seat’s empty.”
The first man exclaims, “What?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?”
The neighbor responds, “Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven’t been together.”
The first man responds,” I’m sorry to hear that. Wasn’t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could’ve taken that seat?”
The neighbor responds, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
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Husband: “I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.”
Friend: “Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!”
Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”
😄 😄 😄
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil!” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister.”
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Husband: “I am working remotely.”
Wife: “You are not even remotely working.”
😄 😄 😄
I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her.
She replied, “This jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.”
I said, “Okay, how about in the fridge?”
She said, “No, silly, there’s a little light inside.”
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Wife: “I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?”
Husband: “Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.”
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On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
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At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”
“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”
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A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
“What did you do that for?” the man asks.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”
The man says, “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”
😄 😄 😄
This guy was sitting in his attorney’s office.
His lawyer says, “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?”
“Give me the bad news first,” he says.
“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,” his lawyer informs him.
“That’s the bad news?” asks the man incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”
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A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.
“Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”
Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!”
The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”
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A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.
His wife said, “Well what about your friend Clyde?”
The man replied, “Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren’t looking?”
“No, I guess not,” replied his wife.
The man said, “Neither would Clyde.”
😄 😄 😄
A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.
When they ran into a family of skunks.
They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.
They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.
The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.
They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, “There’s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?”
The husband thinks for a second and says, “Hey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.”
The wife replies, “Well what about the smell?”
The husband says, “It’ll be alright, just hold its nose.”
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My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.
And they’re off!
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“Dad, did you ever fall in love?”
“Yes, son. I did once.”
“And, what happened?”
“In the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.”
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A man frantically calls the doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor responds.
The man replies, “No! This is her husband!”
😄 😄 😄
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of
feminine product for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The salesgirl says confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some
feminine product for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.”
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Husband says to his wife.
Husband: “I’m going down to the pub, get your coat on.
Wife: “Ooh, am I coming?”
Husband: “No, I’m turning the heating off.”
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There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. It’s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.
With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.
His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, “No, they are for the funeral.”
😄 😄 😄
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
😄 😄 😄
A couple goes to the cinema.
“Two tickets, please,” says the man.
“Hobbit?” asks the cashier lady.
“No, that’s my wife.”
😄 😄 😄
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife, “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
The husband climbed out of bed and counted, “One, two, three, four. You’re right, you know.”
😄 😄 😄
A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn’t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: “What are you waiting for?”
The husband replies, “Autumn.”
😄 😄 😄
Husband whispers to wife as they’re going to sleep, “Good night, mother of six.”
“Good night, father of one,” she replies.
😄 😄 😄
“Where did you get this mushroom recipe?” The husband asks his wife.
“In a detective novel,” she answers.
😄 😄 😄
A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
😄 😄 😄
A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.
Without any preliminaries, she said she wanted a divorce.
“On what grounds?” asked the lawyer.
“I don’t think he is faithful to me,” she replied.
“And what makes you think he isn’t faithful?” asked the lawyer.
“Well,” replied the young lady, “I don’t think he is the father of my child.”
😄 😄 😄
A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they’ll play a game with the kids. They’ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.
At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.
“Well,” he says, “it’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.
The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s an asshole!”
😄 😄 😄
Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.
Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.”
Pharmacist: “Why do you need arsenic?”
Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to give it to my husband.”
Pharmacist: “WHAT?”
Woman: “You heard me! I want to give it to my husband!”
Pharmacist: “Why on earth would you want to do that?”
Woman: “Because he’s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!”
Pharmacist: “Well why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”
😄 😄 😄
Before Marriage.
Boy: “Ah at last. I can hardly wait.”
Girl: “Do you want me to leave?”
Boy: “No, don't even think about it.”
Girl: “Do you love me?”
Boy: “Of Course. Always have and always will.”
Girl: “Have you ever cheated on me?”
Boy: “Never. Why are you even asking?”
Girl: “Will you kiss me?”
Boy: “Hell no. Are you crazy?”
Girl: “Can I trust you?”
Boy: “Yes.”
Girl: “Darling!”
After Marriage… (Read from bottom to top)
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On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.
“Give me a couple of steaks,” he says.
“We’re out of steaks, but we have hot dogs and chicken,” says the butcher.
“Hot dogs and chicken?!” yells the hunter. “How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hot dogs and chickens?!”
😄 😄 😄
I was on a Zoom meeting just now and my husband needed to go behind me, so he thoughtfully crawled to stay out of the camera, which means instead of seeing him walk by in his pajamas, my coworkers saw him crawl by in his pajamas.
😄 😄 😄
My wife has a Zoom call for work, which means the dog and I have to stay in the bedroom since we don’t know how to behave on Zoom calls.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday!
😄 😄 😄
My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.
😄 😄 😄
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
😄 😄 😄
My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors.
But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn’t smell good.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
😄 😄 😄
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
😄 😄 😄
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
😄 😄 😄
It’s been raining for 3 days without stopping.
My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.
If the rain doesn’t stop tomorrow, I’ll have to let her in.
😄 😄 😄
What to give a man who’s got everything?
A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.
😄 😄 😄
I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.
It’s my wife’s birthday and I thought, “What the hell! I’ll treat her.”
😄 😄 😄
Boyfriend: “I love you.”
Girlfriend: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Boyfriend: “It’s me talking to the wine.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
😄 😄 😄
It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.
The wife and the mother-in-law.
😄 😄 😄
Marriage is an institution of three rings:
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
😄 😄 😄
Bill and Melinda were happy for 27 years
And then Bill started working from home.
😄 😄 😄
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
😄 😄 😄
Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?
My ex!
😄 😄 😄
My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.
So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?
She couldn’t do either.
😄 😄 😄
Alcohol is a perfect solvent.
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
😄 😄 😄
What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?
She said, “God was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.”
😄 😄 😄
The relationship between a man and a woman is a psychological one.
The woman is psycho, the man is logical.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
😄 😄 😄
A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.
After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.
The morel of the story... killed him.
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.
I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.
😄 😄 😄
Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.
It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.
😄 😄 😄
I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
😄 😄 😄
A golden rule of the wife:
There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.
😄 😄 😄
I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
😄 😄 😄
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Doughnut.”
“Doughnut, who?”
“Doughnut forget to close the door!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Donut.”
“Donut, who?”
“Donut ask, it’s a secret!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Mikey.”
“Mikey, who?”
“Mikey doesn’t work, can you let me in?”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ya.”
“Ya, who?”
“Aww, I love it when you’re this excited to see me!
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Spell.”
“Spell, who?”
“Okay, okay: W. H. O.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who's there?”
“Ho, ho.”
“Ho ho, who?”
“You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cash.”
“Cash, who?”
“No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Tank.”
“Tank, who?”
“You’re welcome!”
😄 😄 😄
My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.
“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”
😄 😄 😄
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”
The Pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “In that case, we’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list.”
😄 😄 😄
An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, “I’m going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?”
His wife answers, “Yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.”
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, “Honey, are you sure you don’t want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.”
“No, no, I’m sure I’ll remember what you asked for.”
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, “Well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!”
😄 😄 😄
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”
After a twenty-second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
She replied, “Yeah... but I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”
😄 😄 😄
A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”
She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.
At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
😄 😄 😄
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. The appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
😄 😄 😄
During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.
The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.
His reply was priceless, “Mom, I have a pain in my side—I think I’m getting a wife.”
😄 😄 😄
A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.
While in the church, the girl asked her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied to the girl, “Because white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”
After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, “But, then why is the groom wearing black?”
😄 😄 😄
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”
“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.”
“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
“When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”
“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”
😄 😄 😄
After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
She’s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”. EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.
October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”.
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here”. One of the clerks passed out.
😄 😄 😄
A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked him to death.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line!”
😄 😄 😄
One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”
Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”
“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”
The very next day, her grandpa died.
That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.
Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.
The very next day, Sally’s grandma died.
That night, when Sally said “Good night Mom, goodbye Dad”, Sally’s dad began to panic. He knew this couldn’t just be a coincidence.
So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.
Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.
He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.
“Oh, it was just awful!” she replied. “The Milkman died!”
😄 😄 😄
A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
They celebrate it in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.
The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, “Isn’t it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?”
The wife replies saying, “Yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here without clothes,” with a naughty voice.
Both don’t doubt for a moment and they take off their clothes. They sit back down at the table giggling.
The wife says, “You know honey, even my mamillae are just as hot as 50 years ago.”
“No wonder,” the man replies, “one of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!”
😄 😄 😄
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying “I know the whole truth”.
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
😄 😄 😄
I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I don’t think she likes them.
She said that’s gross.
😄 😄 😄
A Muslim man told his wife that she needed to start embracing her mistakes.
So she gave him a hug.
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “I got a package with bullets and Arabic note today.
Wife: “Idiot! These are suppositories and the note from the doctor!”
😄 😄 😄
A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That’s a lot of heritage to inherit.
They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.
A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish.
After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi O’Lee.
😄 😄 😄
At St. Peter’s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go picka her up.”
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris tells a joke about Will Smith’s wife, Will Smith slaps himself.
😄 😄 😄
If your wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it’s a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How did Thanksgiving go at your place?” the bartender asks.
“Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking,” the guy says. “So I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors.”
😄 😄 😄
Why one should be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner?
A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.
😄 😄 😄
The wife tried to scare her husband by leaving him a breakup letter after he returned home late.
She left a note, saying:
I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, her husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone... Yeah, I know... I’m coming to see you... Put on that nightgown I like... Love you... Can’t wait to see you...”
He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
“I can see your feet. We’re out of bread. Be back in five minutes.”
😄 😄 😄
Wife: “Do men wipe after they pee?”
Aging husband: “Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…”
😄 😄 😄
My husband is as handsome as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein.
His name is Frankenstein.
😄 😄 😄
After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet.
It was then I shared my dark secret, “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”
😄 😄 😄
A man visits a friend recovering from the flu that had him bedridden for weeks.
Surprisingly, the friend says it’s been a happy and wonderful experience.
“How so?” asks the man.
Friend: “Well, I’ve found out how much my wife loves me and how pleased she is to have me home.”
Man: “How do you know?”
Friend: “Well, every time the postman, the milkman or the dustman comes by, she runs out shouting ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’.”
😄 😄 😄
How did a wife challenge her husband during his heart attack?
By asking for his phone’s passcode before calling 911.
😄 😄 😄
911 operator: “911.”
“Hello, my wife was cooking dinner, and she fell,” says the husband.
“What’s the emergency?”
The husband replies, “How do I know when the rice is ready?”
😄 😄 😄
A Polish man calls 911.
Operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Pole: “Help! My wife is trying to kill me!”
Operator: “How do you know?”
Pole: “I checked her medicine cabinet and found ‘Polish Remover’!”
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “Hello, 911? Yes, there’s this Hindu fellow who’s been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it’s starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees, and he’s... praying, or something.”
911 operator: “Sir, calm down, there’s no issue here—Hindus are well known to worship cows.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
“She obviously has COVID,” my wife said.
“Why?” I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, “Because she has no taste.”
😄 😄 😄
King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him.
But the witch demanded a young, handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her.
On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa.
Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that.
The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body.
She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him.
The moral of the story is, no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.
😄 😄 😄
Wife asks, “Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?”
Husband: “I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.”
😄 😄 😄
A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.
Confused, the marriage counselor says, “This is quite odd, as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session, I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. I’ll be your wife.”
The man instantly stiffens up and looks very nervous.
Counselor: “Honey, are you not happy in our marriage?”
Man: “I can’t complain about that.”
Counselor: “Is it the relations?”
Man: “I can’t complain about that either.”
Counselor: “Well, is it the way I treat you?”
Man: “Nope. Definitely can’t complain about that.”
Getting frustrated about the lack of any insight, the counselor breaks character and says, “I don’t think this is really going anywhere without your wife present. Why don’t you bring her with you?”
Man: “No, that won’t work at all. It has to be just you and me. No role playing, either.”
Counselor: “Well, why is that?”
Man: “To you, I can complain!”
😄 😄 😄
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”
Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking, just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept.
A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.
After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. “What happened?” asked the wife.
“You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry, honey, after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
😄 😄 😄
It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed.
She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.
“What’s the matter, honey?” she asks. “Why the heck are you down here at this hour?”
Her husband looks up at her, “Do you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?”
“Sure,” she answers, puzzled.
Her husband groaned in sadness, “And do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?”
Wife: “Yes, of course.”
“And do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said ‘You either marry her or I’ll put you in jail for 20 years!’?”
“Yea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!” she demanded to know.
The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said,“It’s just... I would have been out today.”
😄 😄 😄
Young actor: “Dad, guess what? I’ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who’s been married for 30 years.”
Father: “Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you’ll get a speaking part.”
😄 😄 😄
Husband to friend: “The physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.”
Friend: “And is she doing this?”
Husband: “Well, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
😄 😄 😄
A male driver is pulled over by a cop.
Man: “What’s the problem, officer?”
Cop: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you were going 80.”
Cop: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”
Cop: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”
Man: “Shut your mouth, woman!”
Cop: “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?”
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said to her husband, “Look at this, dear. There’s an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn’t do a thing like that, would you?”
“Of course I wouldn’t!” replied her husband. “The season’s almost over!”
😄 😄 😄
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Son, go get your mother.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife said she would divorce me if I kept quoting Star Trek.
So I said, “Number Two, make it so!”
😄 😄 😄
Akpos’s wife was busy singing in the bedroom.
Akpos: “You know, my dear, when you sing like that, I just wish you were on a radio.
Wife: “Wow, honey. Am I that good?”
Akpos: “No, at least on a radio I can change the station.”
😄 😄 😄
