Enjoy our team's carefully selected Grandma Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Did you hear that Johnny’s grandma is 80% Irish?
Her name is Iris.
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So one day, grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to grandma’s kitchen.
“Well now, where’s my bucket, and where’s my water?” grandma asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that waterhole, grandma,” exclaimed Johnny. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt anyone. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, grandma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”
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Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”
“Oh, yeah?” her grandson replied, “So, why is their dad carrying that rifle?”
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My grandma got a hip replacement.
My new grandma is a 24-year-old barista and an aspiring artist.
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What do minions call their grandmothers?
Ba-nanas.
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My grandma was famous for her delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so everyone could visit and enjoy them.
I fulfilled her wish.
She’s dead and berried.
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My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She just drinks straight out of the bottle.
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A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wa-Mart in a buggy.
Each time she put something in the basket, she would say “And here’s something for you, Diploma” or “This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma” and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who’d heard all this finally asked, “Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?”
The grandmother replied, “I sent my daughter to the University of Virginia, and this is what she came home with!”
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“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother. “Now daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that?” she asked.
“He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy.
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My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair.
Nice way to go.
The dentist got a shock, though.
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A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.
A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, “Your cat got run over by a car and died.”
The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.
His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.
A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.
“What?” he asks.
His friend replies, “Your grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.”
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I stopped by grandmother’s house and I’m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.
She’s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess I’ll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.
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An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
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Yo mama so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!
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