Enjoy our team's carefully selected God Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What’s God’s favorite beer?
Busch Light.
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What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?
Ancient Greece.
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A Sunday school teacher decided to quiz her students about what they learned that year.
Sunday school teacher: “Okay class... who can tell me what are some different names used when talking about God?”
Little Johnny: “Hallowed!”
Sunday school teacher: “Hallowed? How did you get that as an answer?”
Little Johnny: “It’s in the Lord’s Prayer: Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name...”
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What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
God save the kin.
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My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
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One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God. “Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun. “They’re so hard to peel.”
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Why are dyslexic people religious?
Because they think god is man’s best friend.
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Yo daddy so fat when God said “let there be light”, he asked him to move out of the way.
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An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip.
Now and then, the rabbi’s grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable.
After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, “I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What’s your secret?”
The rabbi replied, “Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of God. So they look up to me.
But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?”
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An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.
He panicked and shouted, “God, help me!” and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.
A voice from the heavens boomed “You say you don’t believe in me, but now you’re asking for my help?”
The atheist looked up and said, “Well, ten seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.”
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How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
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Two guys are walking through a national park and they come across a bear that has not eaten for days.
The bear sees the two men and starts chasing them. They run as fast as they can.
One guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this bear into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the bear is still chasing, and he sees the bear on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the bear.
As he comes closer to the bear, he hears it saying a prayer, “Thank you, Lord, for the food I am about to receive.”
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What is God’s favorite guitar chord?
G-Sus.
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A mother noticed her little daughter praying.
“Please, God,” the little girl kept saying, “Bless my father and my mother and make Melaka the capital city of Malaysia.”
“Why did you make such as strange request?” the mother asked.
“Because that’s what I wrote in my Geography test this morning!”
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A gamer dies and goes to hell.
After a week, the devil goes to God, “God! What crazy person have you sent me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, is running like crazy everywhere and yelling ‘Where is the exit to LEVEL 2?!’.”
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Talking to my crush is like talking to God.
They never respond.
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A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.
When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.
She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, “Yes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, “Sure.”
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.”
The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.”
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!”
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.
The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray “Take only one, God is watching”.
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.”
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Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”
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When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.
He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.
In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.
Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.
As he lay dying, he cried out, “God, how could you do this to me?”
And a voice from the heavens responded, “To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn’t recognize you.”
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Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.
As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.
He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.
Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, “I’m God, looks like you were wrong about me.”
Nietzsche replies, “Not at all. If you’re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!”
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A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.
Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.
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Why do people say donuts are made by God?
Because they are hole-y.
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Yo mama so tall when she did a backflip she digs God in the face.
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A priest and a nun are having a tennis match.
The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better.
After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun.
She let it slip by and the match continues.
But alas, after a fierce backhand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”
“Stop it!” yells the nun. “You can’t use the Lord’s name in vain like that!”
The priest apologizes, “I’m sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.”
“Fair enough,” grumbles the nun.
The match continues. It’s going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another “Goddamn it! I missed!”
Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the nun into ashes...
A thundering voice emits from the skies, “Damn it! I missed!”
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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
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When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?
When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
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A guy is standing in the street shouting out, “I am God! I am God!”
The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.
Walking up to the guy he asks, “What is your name?”
“I am God,” the guy replies getting agitated.
The social worker says, “Calm down. Why don’t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.”
As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, “Oh God, not you again!?”
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Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.
The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”
Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.
“FATHER!” he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”
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Man: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God: “So you would love her?”
Man: “But God, why did you make her so dumb?”
God: “So she would love you?”
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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People treat me like a god.
They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.
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If God really made everything…
He’s Chinese, right?
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Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually, his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”
The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”
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A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:
“Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
“Never mind. Found one!”
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A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.
When they died, God granted all of them one wish.
The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.”
God snapped his fingers and it happened.
The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group.
God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.
By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.
When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.”
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