Enjoy our team's carefully selected Food Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
My friend thinks he’s intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
😄 😄 😄
Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:
Step 1. Get a pumpkin.
Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.
Step 3. Give it a little push.
Step 4. Enjoy.
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Sunday school teacher: “Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”
Johnny: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman asks a waiter, “What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!”
The waiter says, “Shivering, madam.”
😄 😄 😄
A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: “Yoooo, I ordered a pizza, and it came with no toppings on it or anything, it’s just bread!”
Domino’s: “We’re sorry to hear about this.”
Customer (minutes later): “Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down...”
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Pizza Man: “Do you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?”
Customer: “You better make it six. I don’t think I can eat eight.”
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I burned 2000 calories today.
I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
😄 😄 😄
What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?
No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!
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It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, “Order!”
So I replied, “Fried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.”
Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.
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Customer: “Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny.”
Waiter: “Then why aren’t you laughing?”
😄 😄 😄
Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, “Didn’t you like the muffs?”
The Foreman said, “They’re a thing of beauty.”
“Why don’t you wear them?” The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, “I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! Never again, never again!”
😄 😄 😄
An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.
“Human creature,” the alien bellows, “we last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”
The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, “Well, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”
“That is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”
“Oh, nowadays we use two sticks.”
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Officer: “Do you know why I stopped you?”
Blonde: “Because I didn’t pull out of the donut shop too fast?”
😄 😄 😄
A beaver is eating an ice cream. He has a sour look on his face.
“I wish I’d reached the stick already,” he mumbles to himself.
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After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?”
Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 pickles.”
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I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her.
She replied, “This jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.”
I said, “Okay, how about in the fridge?”
She said, “No, silly, there’s a little light inside.”
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Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?”, said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
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Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?
He deserted his post.
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Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs”.
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.
Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
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My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.”
Me: “Hey babe, what do you wanna eat?”
Her: “Nothing.”
Me: Flies to Africa.
😄 😄 😄
My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
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“Where did you get this mushroom recipe?” The husband asks his wife.
“In a detective novel,” she answers.
😄 😄 😄
A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
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Two men—one a brunette and the other a blonde—were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.
The brunette guy says, “What works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.”
The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks – with no luck.
He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.
The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, “You dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!”
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How come “you’re a peach” is a compliment, but “you’re bananas” is an insult?
Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
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We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
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The only love triangle I want is a slice of pizza.
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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.
It’s now called Red Bull.
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Good moms let you lick the beaters.
Great moms turn them off first.
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It’s so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.
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It’s so hot out that I baked lasagna in my mailbox.
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It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly disappointing.
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My cousin works in a chocolate shop.
He works behind the bar.
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These days, shoes are called snickers.
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People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theaters.
Let’s just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...
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The center of a donut is 100% fat-free.
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Warning!
Birthday donuts will make your clothes shrink!
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I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.
He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.
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The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.
The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.
The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.
Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping her temples.
The Scarecrow says, “What’s the matter with you guys?”
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Our local woods are full of mushrooms right now.
I’m always tripping on them.
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All mushrooms are edible.
But some mushrooms are only edible once.
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A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.
“Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”
Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!”
The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”
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What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?
A pumpkin patch.
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Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.
One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.
After supper she went out and put up a sign: “Beware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”
A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.
Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!!”
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What was the taxidermist doing at the hot dog stand?
Stuffing his face!
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Yo mama’s so dumb she thought that Jar Jar comes with pickles pickles.
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Three kids one day found a magical slide.
There was a sign next to it saying “whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down”.
One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.
The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, “Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?”
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
“No,” says the man, “I wanted a normal KitKat, fatty.”
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I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog.
After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn’t good for dogs.
😄 😄 😄
What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?
A Tinder surprise.
😄 😄 😄
life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
It’s more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.
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What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios?
“Wow! Donut seeds!”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so dumb when she got locked in a grocery store she starved to death.
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Yo mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid when she saw the McDonald’s drive-through sign she drove through the building.
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Yo mama so fat when she ate an Avocado it was Nickado.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat her blood type is Nutella.
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Being vegan is so easy that I literally just stare at the sun and I’m satisfied.
Thanks, photosynthesis.
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In 1973, my dad left to get ice cream and never came back.
Mom says he’s probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions.
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A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.
A woman with a small dog walked up to sit on another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked, “Would you mind if I throw him a bit?”
“Not at all,” the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.
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My friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead.”
😄 😄 😄
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
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If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?
Diabetes.
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Yo Mama so stupid she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.
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I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging out with her friends.
She said, “Yes!”
I said, “Good, because I’m breaking up with you.”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
They can’t find the zipper.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so hot she makes jalapeños cry.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so dumb and hungry the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so dumb when dad said it’s chilly outside she brought a spoon and a bowl.
😄 😄 😄
“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
😄 😄 😄
What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what coffee and motivational coaches have in common?
They encourage people to espresso themselves!
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Boyfriend: “I love you.”
Girlfriend: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Boyfriend: “It’s me talking to the wine.”
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The boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.
Boss: “Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?”
Abdul: “Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.”
Today is Abdul’s farewell party.
😄 😄 😄
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”
After a twenty-second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
She replied, “Yeah... but I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”
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I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with earpiece).
😄 😄 😄
Good morning, sweetie!
When I get up, my initial idea is of just how you feel, after that, I obtain you a cup of coffee, placed it down, as well as back away, gradually...
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What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?
He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.
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Priest: “Don’t drink too much liquor. You will go to hell.”
Alcoholic: “Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor?”
Priest: “He will also go to hell.”
Alcoholic: “OK, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts them out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?”
Priest: “She too will go to hell.”
Alcoholic: “In that case, I have no problem going to hell.”
😄 😄 😄
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”
😄 😄 😄
Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
😄 😄 😄
Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ll have an H2O please.”
😄 😄 😄
A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.
Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
“And for your other two wishes?”
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so stupid when I said “Drinks are on the house” she got a ladder.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so stupid she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said “concentrate”.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
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It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
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Chocolate is like guns.
If you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend.
😄 😄 😄
Seven days without chocolate...
Makes one weak.
😄 😄 😄
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
😄 😄 😄
You need to understand the difference between want and need.
Like I want abs, but I need donuts.
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The optimist sees the donut whole.
The pessimist sees the donut hole.
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A person at the store asked me if doughnuts are healthy.
I don’t know, but I never met a sick one in my entire life.
😄 😄 😄
I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...
I’ve been banned for life from that shop.
😄 😄 😄
Turning off your Zoom camera is like getting food from a buffet at a party.
You want to do it, but you don’t want to be the first, and you definitely don’t want to be the only one.
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I own a solar powered food maker.
It’s an apple tree.
😄 😄 😄
I wish I had as much hope as the guy driving the ice cream truck around in February.
😄 😄 😄
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet but then my browser froze.
😄 😄 😄
Got an ice cream for my girlfriend.
Best trade I ever made.
😄 😄 😄
“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
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The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog.
He’s the only one who feeds the hand that bites him.
😄 😄 😄
Last night I made fish tacos.
They looked at them and just swam away.
😄 😄 😄
Today I made a big pot of pasta,
but when I went to dump the pot into the sink, I think I strained something.
😄 😄 😄
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
😄 😄 😄
Don’t walk through a field of mushrooms.
It’s quite a tripping hazard.
😄 😄 😄
I always shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating those two pizzas by myself.
😄 😄 😄
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
😄 😄 😄
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s very time-consuming.
😄 😄 😄
What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
They gave him the cold shoulder.
😄 😄 😄
What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?
“Are you feeling ill?”
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Why do bananas use sunscreen?
So they don’t peel.
😄 😄 😄
What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose.
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What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
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“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
😄 😄 😄
Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a claim that a guy could eat a foot long hot dog in two bites?
Hard to swallow.
😄 😄 😄
What did the constipated hot dog say?
Muuussttuurrrdd!!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a kilogram of donuts?
Property of obesity.
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What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
The ambulance.
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Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?
So that it’ll fit inside the box.
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What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
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Why did the student eat his homework?
Because he didn’t have a dog.
😄 😄 😄
Why do aliens not eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
😄 😄 😄
Hershey bars have dominated chocolate for over a century.
Is anyone else not offended we still don’t have a Himhe bar?
😄 😄 😄
What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?
We’ve got a rocky road ahead of us...
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you take a green cheese on the moon and divide its circumference by its diameter?
Moon pi.
😄 😄 😄
How do you remove the inherent bureaucracy that’s plaguing the donut industry?
Cut out the middle, man.
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Why do many donuts feel sad?
Because they feel really empty inside.
😄 😄 😄
Why do cops that play basketball like donuts the most?
Because they love to dunk them.
😄 😄 😄
What is every policeman’s favorite charity fundraiser?
Dollars to Donuts.
😄 😄 😄
Which holiday is every policeman’s favorite?
National Donut Day.
😄 😄 😄
What do love and fatty foods have in common?
They both go straight for your heart!
😄 😄 😄
Your boyfriend doesn’t get your fruit puns?
You got to let that mango.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between stormtroopers having a party and mushrooms being picked?
One’s bad guys having a fun time and the other one’s fungi having a bad time!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the mushroom have to leave her home?
It was growing toxic by the day.
😄 😄 😄
What is green and dangerous?
A thundering herd of pickles!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the mushroom break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was toxic!
😄 😄 😄
What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?
“I’m sorry, I’m too mature for you.”
😄 😄 😄
What can a whole pizza do that a half pizza cannot do?
A whole one can look round.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
😄 😄 😄
How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?
Gutted.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot dog bun?
Frank.
😄 😄 😄
You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?
Diabetes.
😄 😄 😄
What’s under the Pillsbury Doughboy’s apron?
Donuts.
😄 😄 😄
How do you tell poisonous mushrooms apart from edible ones?
You give them to someone else to eat first.
😄 😄 😄
A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.
After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.
The morel of the story... killed him.
😄 😄 😄
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?
Stop touching my buns!
😄 😄 😄
What is blue and lies under a mushroom?
Smurf poop.
😄 😄 😄
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!”
The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger!”
Once again the woman smiled and thought, “Yes!”
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she poops on you!”
😄 😄 😄
Broccoli: “Hey, I look like a tree.”
Mushroom: “Wow, I look just like an umbrella.”
Walnut: “I look exactly like a brain.”
Banana: “Man, can we change the topic please?”
😄 😄 😄
I heard Dunkin’ Donuts has a cold brew now.
Cool beans.
😄 😄 😄
A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.
The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.
When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing “Happy birthday!”.
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
😄 😄 😄
One snowman said to another, “I’d heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...”
😄 😄 😄
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
😄 😄 😄
Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.
😄 😄 😄
A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”
The pharmacist, surprised, responds, “No, this is a pharmacy.”
The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.
This time, the man responds, “As I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.”
Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.
Annoyed, the pharmacist says, “Look, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.”
On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”
Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard that its teeth get completely shattered.
The rabbit leaves... and comes back the next day,
“Do ya seh cahot juys?”
😄 😄 😄
The cook gifted his girlfriend something she would like. Guess what?
An onion ring.
😄 😄 😄
One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter, “Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?”
The guy says, “No, we don’t have onion-flavored ice cream.”
So the kid says, “Ok,” and leaves.
The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question.
The guy again informs him that they don’t carry onion-flavored ice cream.
This goes on for a week, and the guy running the ice cream shop figures the kid is probably autistic.
So, one night, he goes home and starts to work on a recipe for onion-flavored ice cream. He stays up all night working and perfecting onion-flavored ice cream, just for this kid.
Then, the next morning, when the kid comes in at his usual time and asks if they have onion-flavored ice cream, the guy answers him.
“Yes! Yes, we have onion-flavored ice cream!”
The kid replies, “You must be stupid. Who is gonna buy onion-flavored ice cream?!”
😄 😄 😄
An onion just told me a joke.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry.
😄 😄 😄
So hot dog, we meat again.
😄 😄 😄
A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread.
The judge is quite exasperated.
Judge to the homeless man: “Do you deny this?”
Homeless man: “No, your honor.”
Judge: “Do you have any coins?”
Homeless man: “Just a few quarters, your Honor.”
Judge: “Give them here.”
Homeless man: “Your Honor, they’re all I have!”
Judge: “That may be so, but please just give me those coins.”
Homeless man: “Very well.” Hands over the coins.
Judge to the stand owner: “Pay close attention.” Drops coins on the table. “Did you hear that?”
Stand owner: “Yes, your Honor.”
Judge: “Excellent. Now you take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat.”
😄 😄 😄
I love vegan food!
It makes an excellent side dish to any meat.
😄 😄 😄
“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.
“Why not, son?”
“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”
“But why don’t you want to go today?”
“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”
😄 😄 😄
A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they’ll play a game with the kids. They’ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.
At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.
“Well,” he says, “it’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.
The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s an asshole!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
😄 😄 😄
An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, “I’m going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?”
His wife answers, “Yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.”
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, “Honey, are you sure you don’t want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.”
“No, no, I’m sure I’ll remember what you asked for.”
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, “Well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!”
😄 😄 😄
There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole.
The first mole—daddy mole—wakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out, and says, “Mmmmm... I smell bacon!”
Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out, and says, “Mmmmm... I smell pancakes!”
Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up but gets stuck behind his mom and dad.
He takes a big whiff and says, “All I can smell is molasses!”
😄 😄 😄
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.
😄 😄 😄
What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?
Turn into bacon.
😄 😄 😄
Me, at the hot dog stand: “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”
Hot dog guy: “Sure. Won’t be long.”
Me: “In that case, can I have two?”
😄 😄 😄
Everyone always says that hot dogs suck.
I think German sausages are the wurst!
😄 😄 😄
Went to a hot dog convention hoping to meet some women.
But it turned out to be a sausage fest.
😄 😄 😄
Have you ever been to a hot dog factory?
No, I haven’t sausage a place.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?
Done!
😄 😄 😄
Why do Germans fear getting cheese in their hot dogs?
Because for them it’s considered to be a Wurst-Käse scenario.
😄 😄 😄
What did the American hot dog say to the German hot dog?
You’re the wurst.
😄 😄 😄
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year.
They chose a hot dog... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
😄 😄 😄
If you don’t like hot dogs, I think you’re the wurst.
😄 😄 😄
The family got completely lost on their journey to the hot dog stand.
They took a turn for the wurst.
😄 😄 😄
What did the people call the bad hot dog stand?
The WURST!
😄 😄 😄
What did the mom say when her kid dropped their hot dog?
It could always be wurst!
😄 😄 😄
I have an idea for a make-your-own hot dog place.
It’s called “What’s the Wurst That Could Happen?”.
😄 😄 😄
Why are German hot dogs the most controversial?
It’s because they make the best and the wurst ones.
😄 😄 😄
I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .
That’s when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.
😄 😄 😄
They brought the hot dog in for questioning.
He gave the... wurst... answers.
😄 😄 😄
I go to the store and buy ten hot dogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas.
If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?
No self-control.
😄 😄 😄
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
😄 😄 😄
When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.
Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.
😄 😄 😄
A man taunted Chuck Norris by holding a bag of potato chips in front of him and saying, “Betcha can’t just one!”
Chuck Norris subsequently ate the chips, the bag, and the man whole.
😄 😄 😄
A blonde enters a library.
She goes to the counter and says, “I’ll like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.”
The librarian says, “Ma’am this is a library.”
So the blonde leans in and whispers, “I’d like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.”
😄 😄 😄
How did the hot dog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
😄 😄 😄
I was eating a hot dog the other day and when I took a bite, ketchup squirted in my eye...
Now I have heinzsight.
😄 😄 😄
Why does ketchup on hot dogs spoil early?
Because the sauce-ages.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup?
Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
😄 😄 😄
What did Alex say to his college roommate to get him to stop working on his college essay and come out for hot dogs?
Relish today...
And Ketchup tomorrow.
😄 😄 😄
Why does a Chicago-style hot dog always lose races?
Because it refuses to ketchup.
😄 😄 😄
The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot, that you could actually cook a full English breakfast on my forehead.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a church men’s campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.
Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.
A few minutes go by, then someone asks, “Hey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good.”
“To which Joe replies, “Chocolate sausage.”
This gets everyone’s attention.
When the sausage finished cooking, Joe offers a piece to anyone who wanted to try it.
A few of the guys take a cut and eat it, then get confused looks on their faces.
The same guy asks Joe again, “This doesn’t taste any different than normal sausage. Chocolate?..”
Still waking up, Joe clears his throat and says, “The horse was named Chocolate.”
😄 😄 😄
What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?
Jail-y Donuts.
😄 😄 😄
Personally, I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms... breakfast of champignons.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that all the bread in the store is toast.
😄 😄 😄
What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?
“If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.”
😄 😄 😄
What do cops call it when they’re called out to the local donut bakery?
Bread Alert!
😄 😄 😄
Bread is like the Sun:
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
😄 😄 😄
What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?
By the time she got home, it was toast!
😄 😄 😄
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
“Excuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,” he said politely, “but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.”
“That’s right.”
“Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.”
“Well, today is his birthday.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.
😄 😄 😄
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the corn flakes back in the box.’
😄 😄 😄
Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.
Cashier: “You must be single, right?”
Me: “Yes! How did you know?”
Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
To get chocolate milk.
😄 😄 😄
What are the sun’s favorite chocolate bars?
A Milky Way.
😄 😄 😄
During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
He’s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
– Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.
– Doesn’t need heating.
But he still needs one more.
And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
– Has great packaging.
😄 😄 😄
Does anybody go to the donut party?
I heard it was jam packed.
😄 😄 😄
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when they come around for donuts and coffee?
“I hope you like jam in too.”
😄 😄 😄
How was the donuts’ hole business?
Not at all jam-packed.
😄 😄 😄
How did the strawberry donut feel after dinner?
Jam-packed!
😄 😄 😄
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a red racing car, nuts, and chocolate?
A Ferrari Rocher!
😄 😄 😄
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, nuts and marshmallows.
I have to admit it was a rocky road.
😄 😄 😄
Which nut has the most calories for the human body?
The Donut.
😄 😄 😄
Which nut has a hole in it?
A donut.
😄 😄 😄
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
Donuts.
😄 😄 😄
Cop Cuisine Point to Ponder:
Do cops like doughnuts better when they’re spelled Do-Nuts?
😄 😄 😄
The ice cream parlor asks for my order.
Parlor: “Hello Sir, can I take your order?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a male hot fudge sundae please.”
Parlor: “I’m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?”
Me: “Yes, with nuts.”
😄 😄 😄
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady.
She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”
“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.
I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
“Because we’ve got no teeth,” she replied.
“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.
“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”
😄 😄 😄
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “arthritis.”
😄 😄 😄
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “He eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The monkey found a cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”
“No, what?” asked the man.
“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cash.”
“Cash, who?”
“No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that my popcorn seeds start popping.
😄 😄 😄
Guess the difference between a hot dog and a corn dog?
One’s stuck up, while the other is laid back!
😄 😄 😄
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama's appetite is so huge she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.
😄 😄 😄
What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. It’s good for business.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend?
A PayDay.
😄 😄 😄
How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M’s are protesting?
They start painting the m letters upside-down.
How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M’s are protesting really hard?
They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.
😄 😄 😄
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.
A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.
“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”
“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.
“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.
“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own damn business!”
😄 😄 😄
I love being a grandparent in retirement.
I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.
😄 😄 😄
Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.
They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the candy bar cross the road?
Because he was choco-LATE for the bus!
😄 😄 😄
Which is the clumsiest candy bar?
A Butterfinger!
😄 😄 😄
Which candy bar is handsome, talented, rich, and lacks for nothing?
A Bounty-ful!
😄 😄 😄
There was a candy party, guess who was late as usual?
Choco-late.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it!
😄 😄 😄
It’s cleaning day today.
I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
😄 😄 😄
I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.
I guess there is life on Mars after all.
😄 😄 😄
A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.
As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that!”
The engineer replied, “You wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”
So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, “Do you wanna see magic?”
The shop boy replied, “Yes!!!”
The engineer said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.
Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.
Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.
The shop boy asked, “But where’s the magic?”
The engineer replied, “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them!”
😄 😄 😄
A Korean martial artist was giving away chocolate bars.
I asked if I could have 2.
He said, “No, you can taek-won-do.”
😄 😄 😄
What kind of bar is kid-friendly?
A chocolate bar.
😄 😄 😄
Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.
I hate Bounty Hunters.
😄 😄 😄
My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.
It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
😄 😄 😄
I heard a joke about chocolate bars and it wasn’t that funny.
So I just snickered...
😄 😄 😄
My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn’t buy it and he certainly didn’t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and went to the jewelers.
😄 😄 😄
What did the sign on the baker’s door read when she wanted to be alone?
Donut disturb.
😄 😄 😄
Donut underestimate the power of baked goods.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
😄 😄 😄
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got tired of the HOLE business.
😄 😄 😄
How do beat cops define the word “doughnut”?
A local bakery owner who is absolutely crazy about money.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the cops arrest the donut baker?
He was caught pinching the salt.
😄 😄 😄
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy.
After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him.
After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they throw him a party and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”
“My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”
To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”
“How come you’ve never spoken before?” asks his father.
“Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
😄 😄 😄
Where do kids get ice cream cakes on their birthdays?
At sundae school.
😄 😄 😄
What did the birthday cake say to the ice cream?
You’re cool!
😄 😄 😄
What did the ice cream say to the grumpy birthday cake?
What’s eating you?
😄 😄 😄
Which ice cream flavor is always celebrating?
Birthday cake!
😄 😄 😄
An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment.
They are wanted for dessertion.
😄 😄 😄
I love Valentine’s Day: the bottle of wine, the heart-shaped ice cream cake...
Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching YouTube videos.
Good times.
😄 😄 😄
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”
“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
😄 😄 😄
Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?
Because there is a hole in one.
😄 😄 😄
Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer.
Alex—a little boy of nine—was playing ball in his yard.
He saw the farmer and asked, “What’ve you got in your trailer?”
“Manure,” farmer Smith replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked Alex.
“Put it on my pumpkins,” answered the farmer.
Alex replied, “You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.”
😄 😄 😄
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn’y ache.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the pumpkin pie go to the doctor?
It was feeling crummy.
😄 😄 😄
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought, “The streets are strangely desserted tonight.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
😄 😄 😄
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.
The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray “Take only one, God is watching”.
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.”
😄 😄 😄
There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. It’s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.
With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.
His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, “No, they are for the funeral.”
😄 😄 😄
If you were a food what would you be?
Friend 1: “Pizza because I’m so cheesy.”
Friend 2: “Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends.”
Me: “Donut because I’m so empty inside.”
😄 😄 😄
I’m looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle.
Mem-Oreo Day.
😄 😄 😄
It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
😄 😄 😄
It is so hot that potatoes cook underground.
😄 😄 😄
How do you accurately guess what you’re having for dinner?
You cook it yourself!
😄 😄 😄
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so dumb she uses Old Spice body wash to cook.
😄 😄 😄
A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.
Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife’s back and says:
“Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You’re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they’re sticking to the pan! Careful!
Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don’t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!”
The wife stares at her husband:
“What’s wrong with you?! You think I can’t fry a few eggs?!”
The husband answers calmly:
“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
😄 😄 😄
Made gluten-free spaghetti for dinner.
When I asked my boyfriend why he wasn’t eating it, he said, “It’s not real spaghetti. It’s an impasta.”
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into the doctor’s office.
A penne stuck in one of his ears, a spaghetti in the other ear, and a tortellini stuck in one nostril.
Man: “Doctor, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
Doctor: “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
😄 😄 😄
A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.
When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.”
😄 😄 😄
It was so hot by the time I got home from buying eggs, I had twelve chicks in the bag.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
😄 😄 😄
Public Service Announcement:
“If you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs”
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!
😄 😄 😄
Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?
His father was hard-boiled.
😄 😄 😄
Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!
😄 😄 😄
A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.
After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later, the rooster walks in.
He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
😄 😄 😄
A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Who’s first?”
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a vegan’s favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?
En-salad-us.
😄 😄 😄
Our love is a fruit salad!
We are a great pear and I cherryish you.
😄 😄 😄
When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?
When it’s a snowman’s nose!
😄 😄 😄
Where do mushrooms hang out on Saturday night?
The salad bar.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?
Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.
😄 😄 😄
Every oven in the greasy hot dog restaurant was broken.
So the diners got a raw deal.
😄 😄 😄
A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.
He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”
😄 😄 😄
A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, “Do you have frog legs?”
The waiter looks offended, “No, I’ve always walked like that!”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
😄 😄 😄
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?
Eat donuts.
😄 😄 😄
Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...
WRONG... What every woman really wishes for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.
😄 😄 😄
Diet day 1:
I removed all the fattening food from my house.
It was delicious.
😄 😄 😄
Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?
Because it has got less calories.
😄 😄 😄
A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.
The hot dog says, “I’ve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.”
The hamburger replies, “Please, beef frank.”
😄 😄 😄
A guy claims to have made a 20 lb hot dog.
A butcher says, “Ah, that’s bologna.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the hot dog stand on the moon?
The hot dogs were out of this world, but there was absolutely no atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the disgruntled hot dog vendor quit his job?
He just didn’t relish it.
😄 😄 😄
A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty-dollar bill, and said, “Make me one with everything.”
The vendor pocketed the money and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog.
The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change.
The vendor looked at him and said, “Change comes from within.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you have to put on your hot dogs?
Must-ard!
😄 😄 😄
I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest as a hot dog.
I’m on a roll.
😄 😄 😄
Why does a dog stay in a shadow?
Because it doesn’t want to be a hot dog.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
😄 😄 😄
Hot dog, it’s your birthday!
Let’s be Frank, you’re probably planning to party your buns off, so go ahead – don’t be a weenie!
Relish every moment of your celebration!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the hot dog dress up?
It felt a little halloweenie.
😄 😄 😄
What did the man do when he saw a hot dog?
He put it in the shade.
😄 😄 😄
I finally was chosen to pick toppings for the hot dogs!
I relished the opportunity!
😄 😄 😄
There are no losers when eating hot dogs.
Only wieners.
😄 😄 😄
The hot dog asked his friend, “Have you been to the German nightclub yet?”
His friend hadn’t, it was too krauted.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sea of hot dogs?
Frank Ocean.
😄 😄 😄
What is the best way to enjoy a hot dog?
Relish it.
😄 😄 😄
I might have to reconsider my kosher hot dog business...
For some reason, Anne’s Franks hasn’t been very popular with the target audience.
😄 😄 😄
Why do all hot dogs look the same after coming off the grill?
Because they are in-bred.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take away its chair.
😄 😄 😄
How does the enthusiastic man eat his hot dog?
With relish.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a saw that cuts hot dogs?
Sawsage.
😄 😄 😄
A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.
The bartender immediately tells them, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food here.”
😄 😄 😄
I stepped into my shower today only to find hot dogs coming out of the shower head.
My plumber calls it a “meatier shower”.
😄 😄 😄
A blond goes up to the librarian.
Blond: “Can I have a hot dog?”
Librarian: “Sorry, Madam, but this is a library.”
Blond: “Oh, sorry!” says quietly. “Can I have a hot dog?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the vegetarian hot dog cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
😄 😄 😄
I just had a very serious discussion about hot dogs...
It was a frank discussion.
😄 😄 😄
A good friend of mine—Frank—owns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business.
He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though and is determined to make every post a weiner.
😄 😄 😄
A yam and a hot dog are having a heart-to-heart.
Yam: “Can I be candied with you?”
Hot dog: “In that case, let me be frank.”
😄 😄 😄
Customer: “Give me a hot dog.”
Waiter: “With pleasure.”
Customer: “No, with sauerkraut!”
😄 😄 😄
On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.
“Give me a couple of steaks,” he says.
“We’re out of steaks, but we have hot dogs and chicken,” says the butcher.
“Hot dogs and chicken?!” yells the hunter. “How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hot dogs and chickens?!”
😄 😄 😄
Hot dogs and I have a very frank relationship!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a hot dog race?
Wiener takes all.
😄 😄 😄
When does a hot dog have a close shave?
At the barber-cue!
😄 😄 😄
Where do you smart hot dogs go?
On the honor role.
😄 😄 😄
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
😄 😄 😄
Son: “Dad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?”
Dad: “Because your mother loves Roses.”
Son: “Oh... OK. Thanks, Dad!”
Dad: “No problem, Costco Hot Dog.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the hot dog say when it crossed the finish line?
“I’m a wiener!”
😄 😄 😄
Did you see the movie about the hot dog?
It was an Oscar Wiener.
😄 😄 😄
What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint?
McLady.
😄 😄 😄
What did the French Fry say to the Hamburger?
I guess that’s a wrap!
😄 😄 😄
What did the taco say to the depressed donut?
Taco: “Want to taco bout it?”
Donut: “I donut know what to say.”
😄 😄 😄
Yeah, I like NFTs...
Nachos,
Fajitas &
Tacos.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
😄 😄 😄
A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.
It’s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.
He hears a soft voice: “Nice tie.”
He looks around, but he doesn’t see anyone.
The voice speaks again: “Great haircut.” A few moments later: “Congratulations on your promotion.”
He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.
The bartender says, “That’s the pretzels, they’re complimentary.”
😄 😄 😄
A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains, “Excuse me, Father, I don’t mean to trouble you, but I’m very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers.”
The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he’s speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.
“That is truly a noble calling,” he says. “Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to the priesthood.”
“That sounds like a very involved process,” the donut confesses. “I’m not sure I have the time.”
“If you don’t mind me asking...” replies the priest. “What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you’re not willing to commit to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?”
“Well...” the donut answers. “See, it’s because I’m holey.”
😄 😄 😄
WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT!
IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER.
THE POLICE
😄 😄 😄
A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.
“What’s your favorite flavor?” asks the friend.
“Charm,” replies the physicist.
His friend looks at him.
“Why is it that whenever I ask you a question,” begins the friend, “your answer is always strange?”
“Well, it’s strange ‘now’,” the physicist protests, “shouldn’t have waited a picosecond.”
😄 😄 😄
A bear walks into an ice cream shop.
Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?
Bear: Hi, I’d like a scoop of chocolate...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...chip.
Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what’s with the pause?
Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!
😄 😄 😄
Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor and asks, “What flavors do you have?”
The attendant says, “Over there on the signs on the wall, you’ll see them all.”
Client goes, “Ehm, well I’ll have a cone with two scoops of ‘Mondays Closed’.”
😄 😄 😄
A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.
The owner asks, “Which type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?”
The man replies, “The one in the freezer, I’m pretty sure it’s warmer in there.”
😄 😄 😄
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”
😄 😄 😄
Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.
It was the guy in the booth behind her.
“Not so loud!” he said.
“What?” she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.
“I said not so loud!” was his muffled reply.
Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.
“How was your day?” questioned the man from behind once again.
“Pretty good,” responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.
“Did you pass the exam?” came the next question from behind.
“I don’t know, I didn’t get my grade yet,” replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty.
“I’ll have to call you back when I’m out of here”, came the voice from behind once again, “some nut job is answering every question I ask you!”
😄 😄 😄
A young boy walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.
In disbelief, the cashier asked him to repeat his order.
“I want 12 scoops of ice cream sir.”
Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.
But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question, “Why did you want so many scoops of ice cream?”
“Well, if you had what I had you would order the exact same thing.”
The cashier hands him the cone but he’s a little confused and asked another question.
“And what is it that you have that I don’t?”
The boy looked him in the eyes with a smirk on his face and said, “Only two dollars in change.” And he ran out of parlor.
😄 😄 😄
A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too high.”
He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”
She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”
So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Karen watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karen’s ear.
She said, “Mrs. Grim, Ol’ Spot just died.”
Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’Spot never even stopped.”
😄 😄 😄
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make a little over $400 a week, why?”
The CEO said, “Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, handed the guy $1,600 in cash, and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?”
From across the room, a voice said, “Sure, he was the Pizza delivery guy and was just waiting to collect the money.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dog with a fever?
Hot dog.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a candid hot dog?
A frankfurter.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a frozen frankfurter?
A chili dog.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it?
A hollow-weenie!
😄 😄 😄
What is Spider-Man’s favorite food?
French flies.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?
A watermelon.
😄 😄 😄
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she.
😄 😄 😄
Why did M&M go to University?
Because he wanted to be a Smartie.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the magician who had chocolate in his shirt?
He had some Twix up his sleeve.
😄 😄 😄
What is the moon’s favorite type of cheese?
Moon-zerella cheese!
😄 😄 😄
I wonder if the moon prefers coffee or gravi-tea?
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut.
😄 😄 😄
I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts.
It’s called “Hole Foods”.
😄 😄 😄
What did the cops see after they told the Pillsbury Doughboy to spread ’em?
Doughnuts!
😄 😄 😄
Which kind of donuts can fly?
The plane ones.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make the ice cream more expensive?
Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.
😄 😄 😄
What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?
“Sure, Bert.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the guy eat a poisonous mushroom?
He thought that any morel would do.
😄 😄 😄
What does the mushroom say to his lover?
“I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
😄 😄 😄
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
😄 😄 😄
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
😄 😄 😄
I have so mush-room in my heart for you.
😄 😄 😄
How do you wish a mushroom a happy birthday?
Happy birthday to a real fungi!
😄 😄 😄
Who would be the best food to hang out with, a strawberry, a banana or a mushroom?
A mushroom of course, because he’s a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
He may have been a fun-gi, but he sure did have questionable morels.
😄 😄 😄
Which vegetables go best with jacket potatoes?
Button Mushrooms.
😄 😄 😄
I went to the mycologists’ convention, but there was too much shii-take.
😄 😄 😄
What room has no doors, walls, or floor?
A mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the only room in your house you can’t go into?
A mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the world’s biggest mushroom competition?
The champignon’s league.
😄 😄 😄
What did the mushroom say as he fell off a cliff?
“Help! I’m in truffle!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if a frog eats a mushroom?
A toadstool.
😄 😄 😄
What sort of room can you eat?
A mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
Why does the fungus always win the argument?
Because they don’t leave mush-rooms for debate.
😄 😄 😄
What did the teacher say about the student’s attempt at making pizza?
There’s so mush-room for improvement.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a mushroom that has nothing nice to say?
A shii-talkin mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
What does a mushroom sit on?
A toadstool.
😄 😄 😄
Why are mushroom children so good?
They don’t want to get in truffle.
😄 😄 😄
What happens when one fungi marries another fungi?
They become fungus!
😄 😄 😄
What type of mushrooms are the worst to have as friends?
Shii-talkin!
😄 😄 😄
I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms.
But it was a shii-take!
😄 😄 😄
My stomach doesn’t tolerate mushrooms.
They really give me a shii-take.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the mushroom hunter who was terrible at finding edible mushrooms, so would resort to stealing them from the baskets of other hunters?
He had no morel compass.
😄 😄 😄
Mushrooms are the most virtuous of fungi...
they have the best morels.
😄 😄 😄
Why is it not worth it to hunt for mushrooms?
It’s too much truffle.
😄 😄 😄
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said, “You’re brilliant, what’s the band called?”
They replied, “We are the Champignons, my friend.”
😄 😄 😄
I met this dude once who was really into mushrooms.
He was a real fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
Why are mushrooms popular at parties?
Because everyone loves a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table. One more asked to join.
One of them said, “Sorry there is not mush-room.”
😄 😄 😄
So a mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here. You’re always ruining jokes.”
The mushroom says, “Come on. I’m a fun-gi.”
😄 😄 😄
My friend had mushrooms during the party.
Now he’s a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms...
Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong morel fiber.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a lady who enjoys mushrooms?
A fun-gal.
😄 😄 😄
What did the fungi say when he was offered seconds at dinner?
“No thanks. I don’t have mush-room left in my stomach.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?
Fun-gi to be around!
😄 😄 😄
Two mushrooms were talking about politics.
One mushroom said, “I think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”
The other said, “That’s a shiitake.”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t mushrooms always get along?
They like to shii-take others.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of food says mean things about you behind your back?
Shiitake mushrooms.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of mushroom gets beat up the most?
A shiitake mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?
He was sick of all its shii-take.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve been superglued mushrooms all over my body.
My wife says it’s not right, but I’m sticking to my morels.
😄 😄 😄
I can’t stop my mushroom from leaning.
I think I need some morel support.
😄 😄 😄
Most of my group wanted to go mushroom hunting.
I call them the morel majority.
😄 😄 😄
There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.
Morel of the storey.
😄 😄 😄
I don’t trust people who don’t like mushrooms.
Clearly, they are of low morel fiber.
😄 😄 😄
Why are books about mushrooms so confusing?
They have too many different morels.
😄 😄 😄
Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?
Masc-a-pony.
😄 😄 😄
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
I’m feeling canneloni right now.
😄 😄 😄
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie.. or not to brie...
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes!
😄 😄 😄
How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?
Apply the pumpkin patch.
😄 😄 😄
Life is gourd.
😄 😄 😄
You’re gourdgeous!
😄 😄 😄
We got our seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.
It’s for autumnmobiles.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
😄 😄 😄
Where do pumpkins hold meetings?
In the gourdroom.
😄 😄 😄
You’re a wiener!
😄 😄 😄
Let’s be frank... you’re OLD!
😄 😄 😄
Relish every moment!
😄 😄 😄
Let me be frank, I love the summer.
😄 😄 😄
Last, I declare you the weiner of the food contest.
😄 😄 😄
When do franks tell insults?
At a wienie roast.
😄 😄 😄
How do aliens pay for coffee?
They use star bucks!
😄 😄 😄
The electrician’s favorite ice cream flavor is shock-a-lot.
😄 😄 😄
How did the chocolate frog sneak into Hogwarts?
It used the invisibility croak.
😄 😄 😄
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert.
I thought they’d be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...
That in-prison mint isn’t as bad as I expected!
😄 😄 😄
Guess what type of fish frequents the best reefs in the ocean?
The so-fish-ticated type.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what the pickle did when he had a bad day?
He just had to dill.
😄 😄 😄
A thief got caught stealing pizza. Guess what the police told him?
His marinara rights.
😄 😄 😄
I really want to start a donut shop.
But I don’t have enough dough.
😄 😄 😄
The donut shop got robbed.
The burglars said they chose it because the shop was rolling in the dough.
😄 😄 😄
Vacationers spend too much time and money at donut shops.
They’re torus traps.
😄 😄 😄
What sign was hanging outside the room where all the donut lovers were having a meeting?
It was a sign that said “Donut disturb!”.
😄 😄 😄
Please, donut break my heart.
😄 😄 😄
Donut judge me for being a dessert lover!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the daughter start eating donuts?
Because her mother said, “You better eat hole foods.”
😄 😄 😄
What would you call a cute and sassy donut?
Glazing adoughrable.
😄 😄 😄
What would donuts’ favorite drink be?
The hole-y water.
😄 😄 😄
What did the sad man say to the man at the dessert counter?
Donut kill my vibe!
😄 😄 😄
How can you justify donuts being healthy?
Because they are included in the hole food category.
😄 😄 😄
Why do people say donuts are made by God?
Because they are hole-y.
😄 😄 😄
What did you tell the shopkeeper at the grocery store?
Donut mind me, I am here for the hole food.
😄 😄 😄
Why are donuts good at playing golf?
They always have a hole in one!
😄 😄 😄
What did the basketball player who loved donuts say after the match?
Let’s go to Dunkin’ Donuts for the hole food protein!
😄 😄 😄
What does the gym instructor say after having loads of desserts?
“I donut care anymore.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do you think a donut would ever become a priest?
Because it is very hole-y.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the boy stop eating donuts?
Because he got bored with the hole thing.
😄 😄 😄
What did the doughy wife say to the donut husband?
“Donut talk to me!”
😄 😄 😄
Hole me closer, tiny donut.
😄 😄 😄
It’s your birthday; let’s donuts!
😄 😄 😄
Do or donut, there is no try.
😄 😄 😄
Donut worry. Be happy!
😄 😄 😄
Let’s go to Dunkin!
We need more hole foods!
😄 😄 😄
You donut know how much I love you!
😄 😄 😄
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
😄 😄 😄
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
😄 😄 😄
What is the only thing that can cure a sick donut?
An antidought!
😄 😄 😄
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing”.
😄 😄 😄
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
😄 😄 😄
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert.
😄 😄 😄
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
😄 😄 😄
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the donut start going to therapy?
It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing—it never felt hole!
😄 😄 😄
Why did Tiger Woods return the donuts?
Because there was a hole-in-one.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the donut go to the dentist?
To get a filling.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an underwater Dunken’ Donuts?
Sunken Donuts.
😄 😄 😄
Why do crypto fans love donuts?
Because they’re decentralized.
😄 😄 😄
French Donuts...
...are the Beigne of my existence.
😄 😄 😄
What did the donuts do on their date?
They glazed into each other’s eyes.
😄 😄 😄
I just heard that the Dunkin’ Donuts in my area will initiate with a surcharge for coming in without wearing a mask.
They’re going to call it a cough fee.
😄 😄 😄
The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God.
They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It.
😄 😄 😄
How does the Krispy Creme sales rep refer to his agenda?
Doughnut Call List.
😄 😄 😄
Why are cop donut shop jokes always so funny?
They never get mold.
😄 😄 😄
Do you want to get a sundae?
No, thanks, it’s only Thursday.
😄 😄 😄
A day without ice cream is practically un-cone-stitutional.
😄 😄 😄
I love you un-cone-ditionally.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
Because of the rocky road.
😄 😄 😄
Took my girlfriend to the ice cream factory and she fell into the Gelato machine.
She’s a sore babe now.
😄 😄 😄
Why do British ice cream cones carry an umbrella?
There’s always a chance of sprinkles.
😄 😄 😄
What giant dog is made of strawberry, vanilla and chocolate ice cream?
A Neapolitan Mastiff.
😄 😄 😄
My small friend always argues that vanilla, chocolate and strawberry are the three best ice cream flavors.
I think he has a Neapolitan complex.
😄 😄 😄
Hey shorty, it’s sherbet day!
😄 😄 😄
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream?
What’s the scoop?
😄 😄 😄
How did Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
😄 😄 😄
I sold a thousand CDs but only made enough money to buy one ice cream.
Probably because each CD was Milli Vanilli.
😄 😄 😄
Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China.
I hope they’ve put it straight into iceolation.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the color blind man sell ice cream?
His cones don’t work.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?
Heaven ice day!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the mushroom never have a lot of money?
Because he was just too spore.
😄 😄 😄
The reason the girl hated mushrooms is because they were too mushy.
😄 😄 😄
Unfortunately, many mushroom puns are in spore taste.
😄 😄 😄
I didn’t always like mushrooms, but they’ve finally started to grow on me.
😄 😄 😄
Why doesn’t the word “mushroom” make a good computer password?
It’s not stroganoff.
😄 😄 😄
When do mushrooms retire?
When they get too mold.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the mushroom get into the club?
He wasn’t mold enough.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?
A spores car!
😄 😄 😄
I had this long fungi joke, but I don’t have enough shroom to type it.
😄 😄 😄
What does a polite mushroom say?
“Thank you very mush!”
😄 😄 😄
Not to be Mushy but since it is your birthday I just want to say: I think you are the most Fungiing awesome mom, you are cute as a Button, you put in the fun in Fungus, you have always been there for Morel support, and you are like a Truffle—hard to find and incredibly valuable.
You are the Champion of Moms! I mean I turned out alright, not to toot my own Trumpet.
😄 😄 😄
What does the sun drink out of?
Sun-glasses.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
I-Scream!
😄 😄 😄
How do you repair a broken jack o’ lantern?
Use a pumpkin patch.
😄 😄 😄
How do pumpkins get up to the roof?
They use a jack-o-ladder.
😄 😄 😄
What dog can’t bark?
A hot dog.
😄 😄 😄
What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hot dog?
He relished it.
😄 😄 😄
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter?
Ketch-up!
😄 😄 😄
What is an astronaut’s favorite chocolate?
A Mars bar.
😄 😄 😄
What chocolate bar never laughs at jokes?
Snickers—he only snickers!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate?
Coco pebbles.
😄 😄 😄
I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla.
Ice creamed!
😄 😄 😄
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what monkeys eat in space?
Space bananas!
😄 😄 😄
What kind of nut doesn’t have a shell?
A donut.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who is there?”
“Justin.”
“Justin, who?”
“Just in time to eat all the birthday donuts.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star”.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Doughnut.”
“Doughnut, who?”
“Doughnut forget to do your homework or you will have to go to summer school!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Doughnut.”
“Doughnut, who?”
“Doughnut forget to close the door!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Donut.”
“Donut, who?”
“Donut ask, it’s a secret!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a cute donut?
Adoughrable.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
😄 😄 😄
My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.
He said, “Enjoy the HOLE donut!”
😄 😄 😄
How do astronauts eat their ice creams?
In floats.
😄 😄 😄
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
😄 😄 😄
How do you describe Neapolitan ice cream to someone?
Your two favorite flavors plus strawberry.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“Tobias some nice cold ice cream, you need some money.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ox.”
“Ox, who?”
“Ox me nice and I will take you out for ice cream.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“Ice cream every time I see a ghost!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Felix.”
“Felix, who?”
“Felix my ice cream, I’ll lick his!”
😄 😄 😄
What is a monster’s favorite part of a birthday celebration?
I scream.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“Ice cream if you don’t let me in!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Water.”
“Water, who?”
“Water you waiting for... Let’s get out the ice cream!”
😄 😄 😄
What did the snowman say to the birthday girl?
Have an ice day!
😄 😄 😄
How do you wish an ice cream a happy birthday?
“Hope your birthday is gelato fun!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
Ice cream.
😄 😄 😄
Where does Goku keep his ice cream?
In the Freiza.
😄 😄 😄
My 2 year old sister’s stinky feet were smelling like cheese.
My dad was wondering what happened, so I told him that she had chee-toes.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the fungi leave the party?
There wasn’t mush-room for dancing.
😄 😄 😄
How much room does a fungi need to grow?
As mush-room as possible.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Mario prefer to hang out with Toad more than Luigi?
Because he’s a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
What room can no one enter?
A Mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when a giant steps on a house?
Mush-rooms.
😄 😄 😄
Why do fungi have to pay extra on the bus?
Because they take up too mush-room.
😄 😄 😄
Why does the mushroom always get invited to birthday parties?
He’s a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
What’s black and white and green in the middle?
Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you put a chicken, a cow, and a pig together?
A hot dog.
😄 😄 😄
Why was everyone keeping their food on my friend’s head?
He had got a bowl cut!
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short that I can’t see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
😄 😄 😄
Never insult a donut.
Some of them have fillings.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing about having a big nose?
You’re the first to know when dinner’s ready!
😄 😄 😄
What’s a hen’s favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
😄 😄 😄
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
😄 😄 😄
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
😄 😄 😄
What did the bully do to the orange?
Beat him to a pulp.
😄 😄 😄
Why are orange jokes so dumb?
Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the banana go to the hairdresser?
Because it had split ends.
😄 😄 😄
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?
Flanagan.
😄 😄 😄
What was the almond tree up to all summer?
Nuttin’.
😄 😄 😄
What is the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Their seasoning.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
😄 😄 😄
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
😄 😄 😄
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews.
😄 😄 😄
I saw a squirrel throw up today!
It was nuts!
😄 😄 😄
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a dragon’s favorite snack?
Fire-crackers.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the lawyer keep bringing popcorn to the courtroom?
They wanted to be a salty attorney.
😄 😄 😄
Just had lunch at the Pelican Café.
The food was good but the bill was enormous!
😄 😄 😄
Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Café?
Chocolate Moose.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
Because it had appeal.
😄 😄 😄
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
😄 😄 😄
Person 1: “I like Eminem.”
Person 2: “Well, I prefer Skittles.”
Person 1: “No, I meant the rapper.”
Person 2: “Why would you eat the wrapper?”
😄 😄 😄
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a fasting camel?
Hump-less.
😄 😄 😄
What does Muslim Sonic say when Ramadan begins?
“Gotta go fast!”
😄 😄 😄
How do you call a cow in Ramadan?
A Mooslim.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call the end of Ramadan?
Ramadusk.
😄 😄 😄
Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?
They fast during Ramadan.
😄 😄 😄
Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
To the peach.
😄 😄 😄
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist?
It is a great peach of work.
😄 😄 😄
Where do you store peach juice?
Inside of a peach-er.
😄 😄 😄
If you are wondering about a peach’s favorite game.
It’s peach ball.
😄 😄 😄
The peach couple is in love.
They seem to be born for peach other.
😄 😄 😄
This special peach school is for those peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave?
He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
😄 😄 😄
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It’s got a lot of Greece in it.
😄 😄 😄
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
😄 😄 😄
What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?
Ancient Greece.
😄 😄 😄
I had some really terrible Arabic food today.
I tell ya, it was fal-awful!
😄 😄 😄
Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning when they came across a mosque.
They hadn’t had food or water for days and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.
“Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You’ll be Hassan, and I’ll be Muhammed,” said Roger.
“No way, man. I’m not going to say that, even if they won’t give us anything to drink,” replied Joe.
They go up and knock on the door.
A Muslim man with a smile on his face answers the door, “Yes, how may I help you?”
“Hello, I’m Muhammed and this is Joe. We were wondering if we could have something to eat and drink,” asked Roger.
“Why, of course! Joe, we will bring you some food, and for you, Muhammed, it is Ramadan and we won’t be breaking our fast until sundown.”
😄 😄 😄
A blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a grape that’s always getting into trouble?
A mis-grape.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the grape go to school?
To become a little wine-y!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a grape that can perform juggle?
A grape-fruit.
😄 😄 😄
What is fruity and burns?
The Grape Fire of London.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service.
😄 😄 😄
There’s a hair in my wine.
The grapes must have been fur-mented.
😄 😄 😄
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
😄 😄 😄
At a get-together, one fruit asked another, “I was wondering how you have been.”
The other replied, “Just peachy, isn’t that grape?”
😄 😄 😄
I seek to promote the welfare of a certain baked dish.
I’m a flanthropist.
😄 😄 😄
I found a “Fresh Baked Bread” scented candle. I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread.
But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.
😄 😄 😄
Have you heard about the new trend?
People are putting baked goods on their ear studs.
It’s pie-on-earring fashion.
😄 😄 😄
Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad.
So I walked over to him and said, “I think you’re supposed to open that first.”
😄 😄 😄
How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?
It uses Heinz sight.
😄 😄 😄
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
They smell just like burned toast.
😄 😄 😄
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
😄 😄 😄
A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That’s a lot of heritage to inherit.
They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.
A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish.
After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi O’Lee.
😄 😄 😄
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
😄 😄 😄
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling.
It’s a gnocchia.
😄 😄 😄
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
😄 😄 😄
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
😄 😄 😄
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand. Stop, drop, and roll.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
😄 😄 😄
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda.
😄 😄 😄
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth?
It’s meteor.
😄 😄 😄
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it?
Raisin hell!
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Doughnut.”
“Doughnut, who?”
“Doughnut forget it’s your birthday!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Pudding.”
“Pudding, who?”
“Pudding candles on your birthday cake!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Orange.”
“Orange, who?”
“Orange you going to open your birthday presents?”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ivana.”
“Ivana, who?”
“Ivana piece of your birthday cake.”
😄 😄 😄
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
😄 😄 😄
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can operate a coal grill underwater.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris made the Happy Meal cry.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with hot butter.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Noris once picked an apple from an orange tree and made lemonade with it.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris uses one chopstick.
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “What are the seasons?”
Student: “Salt, pepper, ginger...”
😄 😄 😄
What did the apple teacher say to her student?
“Help me orange the chairs please!”
😄 😄 😄
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”
And the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Witch.”
“Witch, who?”
“Witch one of you will give me my Halloween sweet?”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Venice.”
“Venice, who?”
“Venice Halloween candy coming out?!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Figs.”
“Figs, who?”
“Figs the doorbell, it’s not working lazy bones!
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Luke.”
“Luke, who?”
“Luke through the peep hole, it’s gourd-geous!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cash.”
“Cash, who?”
“I didn’t realize you were some kind of nut!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Toast.”
“Toast, who?”
“Toasting to a delicious breakfast!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cereal.”
“Cereal, who?”
“Cereal-ously ready for breakfast!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Bacon.”
“Bacon, who?”
“Bacon me crazy waiting for breakfast!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Egg.”
“Egg, who?”
“Egg-cited for breakfast?”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Waffle.”
“Waffle, who?”
“Waffle lot of pancakes for breakfast?”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“CIA.”
“CIA, who?”
“CI ate your last doughnut!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Canoe.”
“Canoe, who?”
“Canoe you buy me a donut?”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Donut.”
“Donut, who?”
“Donut ask, it’s a secret!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Doughnut.”
“Doughnut, who?”
“Doughnut forget to close the door!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Doughnut.”
“Doughnut, who?”
“Doughnut forget to share your donuts with me!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Donut.”
“Donut, who?”
“Donut worry, be happy!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice Cream Soda.”
“Ice Cream Soda, who?”
“Ice Cream Soda whole party can hear me.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“Ice cream every time I see a spider.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Meringue.”
“Meringue, who?”
“Meringue the bell but nobody answered.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Orange.”
“Orange, who?”
“Orange you glad I’m here?”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Turnip.”
“Turnip, who?”
“Turnip the radio, please!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Peas.”
“Peas, who?”
“Peas tell me more knock knock jokes!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cumin.”
“Cumin, who?”
“Can I cumin? It’s cold out here!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Rice.”
“Rice, who?”
“Rice to meet you!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Onion.”
“Onion, who?”
“Onion mark, get set, go!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Bean.”
“Bean, who?”
“Bean awhile since I’ve seen you!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Anita.”
“Anita, who?”
“Anita piece of that birthday cake!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Uriah.”
“Uriah, who?”
“Keep Uriah on the birthday cake, it’s about to be lit!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Candice.”
“Candice, who?”
“Candice be the birthday cake? I’m starving!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“Ice cream if you don’t throw a great birthday party!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lettuce.”
“Lettuce, who?”
“Lettuce eat cake, it’s your birthday!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Bacon.”
“Bacon, who?”
“Bacon a cake for your birthday.”
😄 😄 😄
Why is corn so popular on Thanksgiving?
Because it’s a-maize-ing.
😄 😄 😄
What’s one thing that you’ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
You’ll both be filled with stuffing.
😄 😄 😄
What’s something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?
A family member giving you the bird.
😄 😄 😄
My least favorite Thanksgiving leftovers are the relatives who don’t leave until Monday.
😄 😄 😄
Don’t ever attend Thanksgiving with a group of comedians.
They’ll never stop roasting the turkey.
😄 😄 😄
So a housewife is preparing Thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, “Are you hungry, dear?”
And the turkey answers, “No, I’m stuffed.”
😄 😄 😄
My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.
😄 😄 😄
Every year, after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits.
I can do it because I have lots of cold turkey.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How did Thanksgiving go at your place?” the bartender asks.
“Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking,” the guy says. “So I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you know that they don’t serve Thanksgiving leftovers at rehab?
People there are trying to quit cold turkey.
😄 😄 😄
Millions of people celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday.
The indigenous people, however, have reservations.
😄 😄 😄
What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Yammies.
😄 😄 😄
Chicken to turkey:
“Only Thanksgiving and Christmas? You’re lucky, with us it’s any Sunday.”
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
😄 😄 😄
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
😄 😄 😄
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
😄 😄 😄
“Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner?”
“I yam what I yam.”
😄 😄 😄
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
😄 😄 😄
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
😄 😄 😄
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed.
😄 😄 😄
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
😄 😄 😄
A guy ate only metal bars for Thanksgiving.
He was gratefull.
😄 😄 😄
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing.
😄 😄 😄
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving night, planning to spend the holiday and meal together.
As the family gathers, the couple’s children are late to arrive, prompting the mother-in-law to complain aloud, “Ugh, your children, always late.”
Eventually, everyone arrives and sits down to eat. Despite the tension, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table, and no one has the strength to argue with her.
After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain again, “Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”
A few minutes later, the couple bring out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife. Everyone eats, and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says, “Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”
A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and narrowly missing her. Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself, “Ugh, this clock... always late.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s Thanksgiving?
Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.
😄 😄 😄
What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?
Plump kin.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
😄 😄 😄
Why are the cranberries red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
😄 😄 😄
Why wasn’t the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing.
😄 😄 😄
What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?
Grave-y!
😄 😄 😄
Why are musical comedians never allowed to cook dinner during Thanksgiving?
Because they always burnham.
😄 😄 😄
What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?
24 Karat cakes.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of key is edible?
A turkey on Thanksgiving.
😄 😄 😄
Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, “If your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”
Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight?
They beat the stuffing outta each other.
😄 😄 😄
A girlfriend said to his boyfriend, “We need a gravy boat because we’re hosting Thanksgiving this year.”
The boyfriend replied, “In that case, we should get some gravy life jackets too.”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the Thanksgiving feast expensive?
It had 24 carrots!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer?
Because he had the drumsticks!
😄 😄 😄
Who’s going to the concert festival on Thanksgiving Day?
The bands will be Meatloaf, Korn, The Cranberries, and Smashing Pumpkins.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey that tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
😄 😄 😄
How are wives like Thanksgiving turkeys?
They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear that I won the Thanksgiving turkey cookoff?
You butterball-ieve it.
😄 😄 😄
What is a bad bowler’s favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving because they finally get a turkey.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a mathematician’s favorite part of Thanksgiving?
Pumpkin pi.
😄 😄 😄
What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?
“…This is the way.”
😄 😄 😄
What if the Indians would have given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey?
We’d all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.
😄 😄 😄
What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?
“Easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the guy who checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving?
He couldn’t quit cold turkey.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
😄 😄 😄
Did you know that some say their favorite Thanksgiving food is pie?
It’s irrational.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Norma Lee.”
“Norma Lee, who?”
“Norma Lee I don’t eat this much!”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?
Because they don’t like Turkey.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?
We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old she ate Dodo on his first Thanksgiving.
😄 😄 😄
Why do some people not like a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys?
Because of fowl language.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Esther.”
“Esther, who?”
“Esther any more cranberry sauce?”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
😄 😄 😄
Remember the guy who used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers?
He had to quit cold turkey.
😄 😄 😄
What can never be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call bread baked by a poet?
Poet-rye.
😄 😄 😄
I went to see a beet poet the other day.
There were lots of hip peas there.
😄 😄 😄
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
😄 😄 😄
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
😄 😄 😄
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
😄 😄 😄
What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
“To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”
😄 😄 😄
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables.
We stayed in a tea-pea.
😄 😄 😄
I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.
So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.
Pushed through the crowds shouting “let me through, let me through!”.
I finally managed to get to the front of the crowd.
A woman turned to me and said, “Oh, thank goodness, are you a doctor?”.
I replied no, but that’s my pizza!
😄 😄 😄
Why do eggs like April Fools’ Day?
They love practical yolks.
😄 😄 😄
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
😄 😄 😄
For April Fools, my girlfriend replaced my Alpha-Bits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
😄 😄 😄
In the spirit of Easter, I’ve hidden eggs around the apartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I’m not telling my roommates.
😄 😄 😄
What did the mayo say after being pranked on April Fools’ Day?
“What the hellmann!”
😄 😄 😄
The wife tried to scare her husband by leaving him a breakup letter after he returned home late.
She left a note, saying:
I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, her husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone... Yeah, I know... I’m coming to see you... Put on that nightgown I like... Love you... Can’t wait to see you...”
He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
“I can see your feet. We’re out of bread. Be back in five minutes.”
😄 😄 😄
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese?
Mozzartrella.
😄 😄 😄
I remember the day my ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.
I told her, “Tips to cook delicious food.”
And then she asked me why I was crying.
I answered, “I have reached where they are cutting onions.”
😄 😄 😄
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”
😄 😄 😄
I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar.
I’ve now got milk all over the kitchen top.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the worst part about going to the doctor and being diagnosed with diabetes?
You don’t get a lollipop afterward.
😄 😄 😄
How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?
Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.
😄 😄 😄
What was the trickiest question on a diabetes website?
It asked if I would accept cookies.
😄 😄 😄
My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dumb carnivore?
A meathead.
😄 😄 😄
Vegan: “Hey, try eating this apple.”
Meat-eater: “Hey, this tastes pretty good.”
Vegan: “Well, that’s because it’s vegan.”
Meat-eater: “I thought it tasted it a bit funny.”
😄 😄 😄
Vegan: “People who sell meat are gross!”
Non-vegetarian: “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
😄 😄 😄
My non-vegetarian friend told me to eat chicken, it’s very healthy.
I said no, it WAS healthy, but you ate it.
😄 😄 😄
911 operator: “911.”
“Hello, my wife was cooking dinner, and she fell,” says the husband.
“What’s the emergency?”
The husband replies, “How do I know when the rice is ready?”
😄 😄 😄
Did you know that according to 911 choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a “bear attack”.
😄 😄 😄
A terrified mother called 911.
“Help me!” she said. “My son just swallowed a fork!”
The 911 operator told her not to worry and that he would send over an ambulance right away.
“What should I do until it arrives?” the mother asked him.
Operator: “Use a spoon.”
😄 😄 😄
One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God. “Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun. “They’re so hard to peel.”
😄 😄 😄
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
“Mother”, the nuns pleaded, “Please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a red, white and blue pie?
Pastry-otic.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the burger sad?
Because he had the blue cheese.
😄 😄 😄
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call cheese that is sad?
Blue cheese.
😄 😄 😄
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
😄 😄 😄
What is red, white, and blue?
A sad candy cane.
😄 😄 😄
I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.
😄 😄 😄
When the blueberry made a mistake, it had to blue-pologize.
😄 😄 😄
The blue cheese thought he was the king.
But he was just a cheesy guy.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad berry?
A blue-fruit.
😄 😄 😄
I made a blue smoothie today.
It was berry good.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a blueberry’s favorite song?
Anything from the Blue Album by Weezer.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blueberries make bad employees?
They always end up getting the blues.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blueberries get along with everyone?
They’re naturally blue-tiful.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the sad blueberry?
It was feeling blue.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
“Hallou-mi!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sneaky blue bean?
A navy bean.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blueberry always tired?
Because it was feeling a little blue-combed.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue-colored fruit hide?
It was feeling blue.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blue mold fired from the cheese factory?
Because it was too blue.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blue-berry.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t sharks like to eat blue whales?
Because they’re all blubber and no beef.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?
Gas-tronomic swirl.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of bread?
Gas-tly sourdough.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the spaceship bring a snack to Uranus?
It wanted to have a gas-tro picnic.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite subject?
Gas-tronomy.
😄 😄 😄
What happens when a waffle gets mad?
It flips.
😄 😄 😄
My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
😄 😄 😄
I saw someone at the grocery store who angrily stabbed a box of corn flakes, and the flakes went everywhere.
The person was arrested for being a cereal killer.
😄 😄 😄
I once accidentally poured glue in my son’s corn flakes.
He’s never talked to me again.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Howard.”
“Howard, who?”
“Howard you like breakfast in bed?”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Juliet.”
“Juliet, who?”
“Juliet pancakes for breakfast.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Aida.”
“Aida, who?”
“Aida big breakfast and now I'm stuffed.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Leah.”
“Leah, who?”
“Leah-n an egg for my breakfast!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hammond.”
“Hammond, who?”
“Hammond eggs for breakfast please!”
😄 😄 😄
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need.
Not all this “How did you get in my house??!!!” business.
😄 😄 😄
Friend 1: “I just invented something to help get people out of bed in the morning. It’s called “Rise and Shine Juice”.
Friend 2: “Cool! What’s in it?”
Friend 1: “Yeast and shoe polish.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s a car’s favorite meal?
Brake-fast.
😄 😄 😄
What is the definition of breakfast?
What a driver does when a light suddenly changes.
😄 😄 😄
What is dog’s favorite breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg cracked a yolk!
😄 😄 😄
What do authors eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns.
😄 😄 😄
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
😄 😄 😄
What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blueberry muffin.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blueberry muffin crumble?
It fell to pieces under pressure!
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blueberry muffin so sad?
It was feeling a little crumby.
😄 😄 😄
Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.
I like to play Muffin Roulette.
😄 😄 😄
Feeling blue? A blueberry muffin can be your rescue!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blueberry muffin get a ticket?
It was berry speeding!
😄 😄 😄
I went to a haunted bed-and-breakfast in France.
That place was giving me the crêpes.
😄 😄 😄
The bed-and-breakfast was owned by a little old lady who would cook the most amazing biscuits for breakfast every morning.
The guy loved these biscuits so much that he would eat five or six every morning, and he even extended his stay at the bed-and-breakfast just so he could eat more of these amazing biscuits.
Finally, after a few weeks he decided to ask her, “Ma’am, these are the most amazing biscuits I have ever eaten in my life. How do you make them taste so good?”
The little old lady smiled and said, “It’s nothing really. All I do is mix about 2 cups of flour with one teaspoon of sugar, one tablespoon of baking powder, and three mouthfuls of buttermilk.”
😄 😄 😄
What makes nuts healthy?
They have many nut-rients.
😄 😄 😄
Yo daddy so fat when he goes camping, the bears hide THEIR food.
😄 😄 😄
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a skunk’s philosophy of life?
Eat, stink, and be merry.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a pickle’s life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
😄 😄 😄
When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a male buffalo?
A buffellow.
😄 😄 😄
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
😄 😄 😄
Three soccer players—one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenal—are lost in the desert.
They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.
So the guy from Manchester says, “Well, since I’m from ManCHESTer, I’ll get the chest.
The player from Liverpool goes, “Well, in that case I'll eat the liver.
Then guy from ARSEnal says, “I’m not hungry...”
😄 😄 😄
I was driving down the road today when I say a sign for fresh Amish cheese that read, “Made with real Amish milk.”
I didn’t even know you could milk the Amish.
😄 😄 😄
It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa.
The university responsed, “Why do we need another phone company?”
😄 😄 😄
I wanted to make nachos, but my dad took the cheese.
He claimed it wasn’t mine.
😄 😄 😄
TIL the inventor of Nachos was a notorious cheese thief.
His friends often remarked, “Hey, that’s not yo cheese.”
😄 😄 😄
A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.
His mother says, “Merci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?”
The boy says, “No mommy, it’s nacho cheese.”
His mother says, “Are you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.”
“I know,” says the boy, “but when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, ‘Hey, that’s nacho cheese!’”
😄 😄 😄
When my fiancee told me that the dip on the table was nacho cheese, I asked her where my cheese was.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don’t know, lettuce sea.
😄 😄 😄
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh!” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man, hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well, no, but... it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the fungi leave the party?
There wasn’t mush-room for dancing.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cash.”
“Cash, who?”
“No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”
😄 😄 😄
