Enjoy our team's carefully selected Flight Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?
Swine flu.
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Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell.
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An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber
Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge.
He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot, “Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!”
The bomber pilot replies, “Oh, yeah? Let’s see you do this!” and keeps flying straight and level.
The fighter jock asks, “Um... What did you do?”
The B-52 pilot says, “I just shut down two engines.”
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My brother has a pilot’s license but only uses it for private flights. So he placed advertisements all over the plane.
Now he flies commercial.
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An aircraft was traveling from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, “We have lost one engine, but don’t worry, there are still three left. However, we will need seven hours to get to New York instead of five.”
A little later, the pilot announced, “Another engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York.”
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, “A third engine was broken. Never fear because the plane’s still able to fly on one engine. However, it’ll take another 18 hours to get from here to New York.”
At this point, one passenger said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”
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What is the propeller used for on an airplane?
Many people do not know this, but is actually for air conditioning.
If you ever get to see it when the propeller stops, the pilot suddenly starts sweating.
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On Teachers’ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?
To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.
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I’m like the American Airlines of dating.
We understand you had other options of relationships and we’re sorry you chose me.
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A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.
He presumes, because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, “We love to fly and it shows.”
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, “Winning the hearts of the world.”
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, “Going beyond expectations.”
The woman looks at him wearily and says, “What the heck do you WANT, moron?”
“Ah!” he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, “American Airlines!”
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The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.
It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.
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I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisl?”
I laughed right in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
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A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasn’t at baggage claim when he landed in New York.
He lost his case.
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Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”
“Don’t get up,” said the Army Ranger, “I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.”
As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Ranger’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, “That looks good, I’d really like one, too.”
Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Ranger’s other shoe and spat in it.
When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“Why does it have to be this way?” he asked. “How long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?”
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It was a baby mosquito’s first day to fly out from home.
When the mosquito came back home later that day, his father asked, “How was your journey?”
The baby mosquito replied, “It went great, everyone was clapping for me!”
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Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two hunters objected strongly, stating, “Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.
Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, “Any idea where we are?”
He replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
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A Karen boards the plane for her trip to Paris. She decides to take a seat in first class even though her ticket is in economy.
The first flight attendant politely asks her to transfer to her seat in coach.
The Karen smugly replies, “I am travelling to Paris, and I will sit wherever I please.”
The second flight attendant approaches her sternly and demands that she move to coach to take her proper seat.
The Karen responds by shouting loudly, “I am going to Paris, and I will sit wherever I damn well please!”
The most senior flight attendant then approaches the Karen, bends down and whispers something in her ear.
The Karen immediately jumps up and shouts, “Well, why didn’t you say so sooner?!” and storms off to her seat in coach.
Surprised, the first flight attendant asked what he whispered, to which the senior flight attendant replies, “We’ve just checked, and someone is sitting in your economy seat.”
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Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position.
But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
There’s more geese on that side.
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What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
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Flight allows flamingos to avoid predators.
Natural selection is why flamingstays are extinct.
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A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched.”
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story, “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”
“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
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A group of ducks flew overhead in a V formation.
Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other?
It has more ducks.
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I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport.
I have since found out it is a terminal illness.
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?
A blood moon!
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Did you hear about the alien who flew a spaceship from Neptune to Uranus in just 3 minutes and 21 seconds?
He’s listed in the Guinness Book Of Out-Of-This-World Records.
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Why were there only 18 letters in the alphabet?
Because E.T. flew off in a UFO, and the CIA chased after him!
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Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon.
But they wouldn’t let us land because the moon was full.
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I’m not really enjoying this space flight, I’d like to speak to the moon-agement!
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Ganymede left Jupiter and flew out of the solar system last week.
I saw it today in the orbituaries.
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Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.
One falcon turns to the other and says, “Man, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.”
The second falcon turns back and says, “You’d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.”
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One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, “I’m supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time.”
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Kringle,” said the elf in charge of the workshop. “One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I’m afraid we only have four elites tonight.”
“So be it,” said Santa.
It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done, Santa was one hour overdue.
Finally, the sack was full. Santa dragged the heavy sack out of the workshop and to his sleigh. But the sleigh, of course, was very old, and some of the wood was rotting. So when Santa put the sack into the sleigh, it went right through the wood.
He hoisted the sack out of the hole, rushed to the barn, and came back with a hammer, nails, a ruler, a saw, and several planks of fresh wood.
It took two hours for Santa to fix the sleigh. By the time he was done, he was three hours overdue.
Finally, the hole in the sleigh had been patched. Santa went back to the barn to put away the hammer, the ruler, and the saw, and also to fetch his eight tiny reindeer. But when he got there, he found that he had left the door open.
“Oh no!” he said. “Some of the reindeer may have escaped!”
Indeed, when Santa entered the barn, he found that Dasher, Dancer, and Donner had run away. To make matters worse, Comet and Cupid were giving birth to fawns. Only three of the regular reindeer could pull the sleigh that year.
Santa immediately ordered some of his elves to look for the missing reindeer, and others to help Comet and Cupid give birth. Then he hitched Prancer, Vixen, and Blitzen to the sleigh without any problems. Now he needed to find five replacement reindeer. He eventually settled on Basher, Flasher, Smasher, Rudolph (this was before his nose started glowing), and Fred.
But those reindeer had never pulled a sleigh before, and it took two hours for Santa to hitch them. By the time he was done, he was five hours overdue.
Finally, a very stressed Santa Claus sat in his sleigh, ready to begin his flight. Just then, an angel walked by with a Christmas tree she had cut down.
“Good evening, Santa,” said the angel. “Where do you want me to put this?”
And so began the tradition of putting the angel at the top of the tree.
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My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.”
Me: “Hey babe, what do you wanna eat?”
Her: “Nothing.”
Me: Flies to Africa.
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
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