Enjoy our team's carefully selected Fish Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving.
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
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Where do fish sleep in the summer?
On the seabed.
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What do you call a fish who raps?
Swim Shady.
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So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said, “Si.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Narwhal.”
“Narwhal, who?”
“I narwhal the best knock knock jokes! Do you wanna hear some more?”
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What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
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A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
“I did, they’re in your tackle box.”
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What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale.
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What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
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I heard about a blue whale who was feeling down.
It was a huge ordeal.
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Why do blue whales need computers?
To go on their whale-net.
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What do you call a group of blue whales?
A pod of blues.
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Why don’t sharks like to eat blue whales?
Because they’re all blubber and no beef.
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What kind of sandwiches do whales eat?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
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What fish tastes best with peanut butter?
Jellyfish.
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What did the mermaid wear to her math class?
An algae bra.
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What was the mermaid doing at the bottom of the sea?
She dropped out of school.
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Where did the fisherman and mermaid meet?
On line.
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Why did the new Little Mermaid actress have to be someone without any cosmetic enhancements?
Because there is enough plastic in the ocean already.
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What do you call violent mermaids?
Mercenaries.
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Why was the mermaid couple so indecisive?
Because they both refused to wear the pants in the relationship.
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What do you call a mermaid on a roof?
Aerial.
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Did you hear about the mermaid who decided to join human society?
Despite her efforts, others still viewed her as a fish out of water.
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If mermaid is woman, then what do you call a man version of mermaid?
Merbutler.
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Did you hear about the half of a mermaid that washed up on shore?
It’s only a tale.
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Why don’t mermaids play badminton?
They might get caught in the net.
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Why don’t lobsters like to share?
Because they’re shellfish.
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Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?
To be fair, it’s really hard for geese to kill sharks.
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A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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What does a fish say when it hits a brick wall?
Dam.
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Today I’m making fish cakes covered in bread crumbs.
It will be a challenge because I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before.
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Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have pockets.
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Today, I found out there are places that sell fake scallops made out of white fish.
There are a lot of cod artists out there.
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I don’t trust people on the west coast who don’t like seafood.
There’s something fishy about them.
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My wife and I went down to the seafood market, but I didn’t trust the employees there.
They seemed a little fishy.
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What do you call a Jewish fish?
Isra-eel.
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Did you know all sushi comes from female fish?
Otherwise, it would be called suhe.
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I know everything there is to know about sushi.
You could say I’m an a-fish-onado.
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What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
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I saw a 50% off sign on a sushi restaurant today.
Sounds fishy to me.
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What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke?
The snack that’s also crack.
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Did you hear about the pharmacist who got hit with a bottle of omega-3?
They are okay, the injuries were superfishoil.
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite sport?
Fly fishing.
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What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?
By live stream.
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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.
“Human creature,” the alien bellows, “we last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”
The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, “Well, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”
“That is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”
“Oh, nowadays we use two sticks.”
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Guess what type of fish frequents the best reefs in the ocean?
The so-fish-ticated type.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
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Last night I made fish tacos.
They looked at them and just swam away.
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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, “You think maybe we should have just said “Bridge Out” instead?”
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Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.
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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.
After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate, and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.
Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice answered, “NO, IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE HOCKEY RINK!”
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One day Little Johnny was digging a hole in his backyard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
“Hello Johnny, what are you up to?” he asked.
“My goldfish died and I’m gonna bury him,” Johnny replied.
“That’s a really big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbor.
“That’s because he’s inside your cat!”
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Why don’t fish like playing basketball?
They are terrified of nets.
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A shark just ate my girlfriend during our fishing trip.
Will you be my new one?
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Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.
While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.
Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.
The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, “Mira el mosca.”
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, “No, senor, “la mosca”, es feminina.”
Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.”
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Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.
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Yo mama so stupid she tried to save a fish from drowning.
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Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?
He only had two worms.
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