Enjoy our team's carefully selected Famous Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What is Brian Mayβs son called?
Brian June.
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Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
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Did you hear about the time Bob Marley went to the hairdressers?
He was dreading it.
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What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdresser?
A middle parting.
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Who is a snakeβs favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
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What do you call a fish who raps?
Swim Shady.
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If you stare at the American flag long enough youβll see a 3D image of Chuck Norris.
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Which rapper is the most acceptable to Muslims?
Halal Cool J.
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Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
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In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls.
But the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris can punch you in the back of the face.
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When Chuck Norris looks into the mirror it breaks because nobody gets between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris won the Tour de France on a stationary bike.
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It only takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
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Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
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Chuck Norrisβs ATM PIN number is the last four digits of Pi.
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One time Chuck Norris was pulled over, he let the cop off with a warning.
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Chuck Norris doesnβt admire the stars.
They admire him.
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Aliens exist and they want to invade Earth, they are merely waiting for Chuck Norris to die so that they stand a chance.
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The universe expands because everything is trying to get as far away from Chuck Norris as possible.
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Chuck Norris can operate a coal grill underwater.
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Once a street was named after Chuck Norris, but was renamed hours later because Chuck Norris kept beating up people trying to cross the street.
When asked about it, he just replied:
βNo one crosses Chuck Norris.β
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Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
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When Chuck Norris tells a joke about Will Smithβs wife, Will Smith slaps himself.
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When Chuck Norris left for college, he told his father:
βYouβre the man of the house now.β
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Chuck Norris filmed the invention of a camera.
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Chuck Norris doesnβt wear a watch.
He decides what time it is.
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When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesnβt turn on the light.
He turns off the dark.
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Chuck Norris made the Happy Meal cry.
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Chuck Norris assigns his teachers homework.
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Chuck Norris can fly, because gravity is too scared to make him obey her law.
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Chuck Norris can speak Japanese in French.
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Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for crying scenes.
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Chuck Norris can cut a knife with hot butter.
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Chuck Norris never won an Oscar because he is NOT acting.
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When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat, he doesnβt get wet.
The water gets Chuck Norrised.
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Jesus walked on water.
Chuck Norris swims through the land.
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Chuck Norris was in a knife fight.
The knife lost.
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Chuck Norris completed Pokemon Go.
On a landline.
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Chuck Norris has a polar bear rug on his floor.
Itβs actually a live bear but itβs too scared to move.
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Guns sleep with Chuck Norris under their pillow.
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Chuck Norris visited the sun and stayed for 2 nights.
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When Superman gets ready for bed, he puts on his Chuck Norris pajamas.
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Before he goes to sleep, the boogey man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris can make fire by rubbing together two pieces of ice.
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There are no jokes about Chuck Norris.
Itβs all true.
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Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
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Chuck Norris can clap with one hand!
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Chuck Norris died yesterday.
No worries, heβs much better already.
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity.
Twice.
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Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born.
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When Chuck Norris was born, he spanked the doctor.
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Chuck Norris can fold a fitted sheet.
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Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
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When Mark Zuckerberg made Facebook, he already had a friend request from Chuck Norris.
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Cars look both ways in case Chuck Norris is crossing the street.
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Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
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When Chuck Norris opens an account they have to accept his terms and conductions.
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Chuck Noris once picked an apple from an orange tree and made lemonade with it.
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Chuck Norris doesnβt call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone.
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When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he pushes the earth down.
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Chuck Norris plays the violin with a piano.
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Chuck Norris doesnβt sleep.
He waits.
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Chuck Norris gets 4-wheel drive out of his bicycle.
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Chuck Norris counted every irrational number. Once!
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Chuck Norris got into a staring contest with the sun today.
The sun blinked.
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When 911 has an emergency, it calls Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris can speak braille.
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Chuck Norris doesnβt use a vibrating toothbrush.
His plastic one trembles in fear.
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When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had two missed calls from Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris doesnβt mow his lawn.
He dares it to grow.
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Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss⦠and it looked away.
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Chuck Norris uses one chopstick.
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Chuck Norris doesnβt turn on the shower.
He just stares at it until it cries.
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Chuck Norris can pick up a missed call.
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Chuck Norris doesnβt wear shoes to protect his feet from the ground.
He wears them to protect the ground from his feet.
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Once, Chuck Norris reached a point of no return⦠and returned.
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When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home from the hospital.
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Chuck Norris does not have near-death experiences.
Death has near Chuck Norris experiences.
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Chuck Norris killed 2 stones with 1 bird.
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When the teacher got frustrated because the students werenβt paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, βDonβt you understand the gravity of this situation!β
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A lot of William Shakespeareβs plays were based on old Greek and Roman performances.
Thatβs playgarism if you ask me.
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How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
He was very thinkful.
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How would Ariana Grande break up with her boyfriend on Thanksgiving?
βThank you, next.β
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What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?
24 Karat cakes.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βNorma Lee.β
βNorma Lee, who?β
βNorma Lee I donβt eat this much!β
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Chuck Norris once taught a French Bulldog to be English.
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Chuck Norris speaks English, French, Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese.
At the same time in every sentence.
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Chuck Norrisβ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd.
No one fools Chuck Norris.
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April doesnβt fool Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris fools April.
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People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris.
Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
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What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?
Bond. Gold Bond.
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Why didΒ Taylor SwiftΒ bring a broken leg to her concert?
Because it wanted to experience firsthand the βbreak-upβ songs sheβs famous for.
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The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
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Chuck Norris called 911 and asked if they needed help.
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What is Bob Marley called on a motorbike?
Bob Harley.
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Why does Messi never get locked out of his house?
Because he always has a key-pass.
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Why did Messi bring string to the game?
Because he wanted to tie the score.
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Why canβt Lionel Messi be a gardener?
Because he canβt handle the corners.
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I know an untidy guy whoβs excellent at playing soccer.
What a messi guy.
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What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
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Why doesnβt Elon Musk like Taco Bell?
It gives him gas.
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Did you hear Elon Musk opened a storefront down at the mall?
βSpace for Rentβ.
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Elon Musk has come up with a foolproof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.
He plans to buy it.
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Whatβs the difference between Elon Musk and a lemur?
Elon Musk made an electric car.
Lemur Mad-a-gas-car.
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The good news is Elon Musk is turning Twitter headquarters into a homeless shelter.
The bad news is it can only house 280 characters or less.
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Did you know Teslas donβt have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
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What is the definition of overcast?
WhenΒ Harry PotterΒ messes up a spell.
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Who is the Easter Bunnyβs favorite movie actor?
Rabbit De Niro.
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Which actor is now being quarantined for swine flu?
Kevin Bacon.
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My son played soccer in the mud all day.
He was a little Messi.
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Chuck Norris is the reason terrorists hide in caves.
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If Chuck Norris is defusing a bomb and has a choice of red wire, yellow wire and green wire, he chooses blue.
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When Chuck Norris was a kid, he entered a pool bombing competition.
This place now widely known as the Niagara Falls.
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Chuck Norris can blow up things, without a bomb.
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Why is Yoda such a good gardener?
Because he has green fingers.
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Chuck Norris was bitten by a werewolf.
When full moon came, the werewolf turned into Chuck Norris.
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What did Elon Musk get when changing Twitterβs name?
A bunch of X-employees.
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Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange.
Youβd think he was from mad-at-gas-car.
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Did you hear about the fan who just bought Taylor Swiftβs hair comb in an online auction?
Itβs his closest brush with fame.
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Iβm going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour.
It will be called, Tailor Swift.
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In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasnβt chasing the jeep.
Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus and the Jeep.
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Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man.
Heβs always looking over his shoulder.
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A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:
1. Heart disease
2. Chuck Norris
3. Cancer
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Chuck Norris can make a robot bleed.
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Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger never have problems with mice, rats, or cockroaches?
Heβs an ex Terminator.
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When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
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Why did Chuck Norris destroy the periodic table?
Because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
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Hiroshima Nagasaki was nothing more than the result of Chuck Norrisβ skydiving in Japan.
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Friend A: βWhat did Helen Kellerβs kitchen look like?β
Friend B: βI donβt know.β
Friend A: βShe did not know either.β
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Why did Helen Kellerβs husband often become upset with her?
Because she just didnβt listen.
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Why is it okay to tell Helen Keller jokes?
Because she canβt hear them anyway!
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What did Helen Keller say to the retail sales person who wanted to help her?
βIβm just looking.β
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How did Helen Kellerβs parents punish her?
By moving her bedroomβs furniture around.
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Why did Helen Keller ride a broken bike?
She didnβt see anything wrong with it.
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Helen Keller published 12 books. Her autobiography is particularly inspiring and gives you a new perspective about this world.
The audiobook is absolutely unintelligible though.
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I will not allow anyone to minimize Helenβs accomplishments.
If you say she only became famous due to blind luck, your claim shall fall on deaf ears.
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What did Helen Kellerβs parents do when they caught her swearing when she was a child?
They washed her hands with soap.
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Helen Keller was an inspiration.
She was able to learn how to read and write... despite being from Alabama.
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Why did Harry Styles become a detective?
Heβs just trying to solve the mystery of his own Styles.
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Whatβs Harry Stylesβ favorite art tool?
A Styles brush.
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Iβve been listening to Harry Stylesβ new music recently and I must say...
He has gotten a lot better ever since he went in the other direction.
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Why does Harry Styles keep splitting up with his girlfriends?
Heβs got the X Factor.
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What do you call Harry Styles without any hair?
Niall-fied.
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Harry Styles needs to get into the insurance business.
Heβs an expert at Style-gating.
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Whatβs Harry Stylesβ favorite type of flower?
Styles-oni.
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Harry Stylesβ birthday is coming up.
And Iβm so Styles-ed for it.
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I put all my Harry Styles CDs in chronological order.
Iβve got a one-track mind.
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What do you call Harry when heβs in a rush?
Hurry Styles.
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Whoβs a hairdresserβs favorite musical artist?
Harry Styles.
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Did you know thereβs a street in England named Harry Styles Boulevard?
It only goes in one direction, though.
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The Earth was flat until Chuck Norris looked in its direction.
Then it rolled up into a ball.
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What did Chuck Norris get when he visited the feminist rally for womenβs rights?
He got his shirt ironed.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger no longer kills people and now only kills bugs.
Heβs an exterminator.
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There was no volcanic eruption in IcelandβChuck Norris opened the BBQ season.
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Did you hear about the joke that Joe Montana told his receivers?
It went over their heads.
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Whatβs the difference between Terrell Owens and a puppy?
The puppy eventually grows up and stops whining.
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Chuck Norris can play volleyball with a bowlingball.
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Chuck Norris can win a football game by spiking a tennis ball over a volleyball net.
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Chuck Norris once saw Spider-Man on a wall and then folded his newspaper.
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Chuck Norris can switch his motorcycle to four-wheel drive.
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Chuck Norrisβs motorcycle has 4WD.
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Chuck Norris doesnβt use OFF!
Mosquitos instinctively know not to bite him.
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Chuck Norris didnβt survive the first night in Minecraft, the first night survived Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris can one hit kill a creeper in Minecraft... with a stick.
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What do Darth Vader and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both escaped the dark side.
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What do you find out after reading a biography of Michael Jackson?
That he had a colored past.
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Who was the most successful Transgender and Transrace person in history?
Michael Jackson. He grew up a poor, black boy, and died a rich, white woman.
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How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalog.
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What do Michael Jackson and the USA have in common?
They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.
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Remember Dexter, who was going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson?
Not sure which race yet.
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What did Kasparov ask Michael Jackson?
βDo you want to be black or white?β
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Chuck Norris can finish Mario Bros. without using the jump button.
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Chuck Norris made the llama extinct.
Never spit in his face.
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Chuck Norris is the only one that can turn lemonade into lemons.
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Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.
βA lemon tree, my dear Wat-son.β
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Chuck Norris once played with Lego.
The result was The Great Pyramids.
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Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
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Where does The Joker get his hair done?
Arkham Hairstylum.
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Chuck Norris told his iPhone 2G it was a iPhone 4.
He can now multi task and use face time.
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Chuck Norris doesnβt buy life insurance, life buys Chuck insurance.
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What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?
Why so Sirius?
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Why was Harry Potter sent to the office?
Because he was cursing in class.
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What dinosaur would Harry Potter be?
The Dinosorcerer.
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Harry Potter needs 8 movies to seek and destroy Voldemort.
Chuck Norris needs 4 seconds.
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Chuck Norris won a guitar battle with a violin.
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Chuck Norris graduated college in one hour.
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In 1945 Chuck Norris drank a Red Bull and jumped out of a plane.
For image results, Google the word Hiroshima.
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If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, even Google wonβt be able to find you.
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When you have a question, you check with Google.
When Google has a question, they check with Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris has a question, everybody better run!
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Why was Ginger the only real Spice Girl?
Because Cumin, Parsley, Basil and Garlic were rejected.
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How do you make a recipe pop with ginger?
Play Spice Girls songs while you cook.
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I just saw that Harry Potter film. I think itβs a bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? How?
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What do you call a lizard that hates Fortnite YouTubers?
An Ali-hater.
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Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, heβs planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them.
To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one.
Heβs going to call it YouTwitFace.
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I used to be the drummer in a progressive 80s rock band called Prevention.
We were better than The Cure.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
If you saw Chuck Norris coming, youβd have crossed that road too!
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Why was Michael Jackson bad at chess?
He couldnβt decide if he was black or white.
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Why did Thor sit comfortably on a cactus?
He has an Asgard.
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Every year on April 15...
The IRS pays its taxes to Chuck Norris.
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What do the Backstreet Boys and algebra teachers have in common?
They both want you to tell them Y.
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Who is Greta Thunbergβs favorite comedian?
Amy Schumer, because she recycles all her jokes.
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I saw an interview with Sean Connery about how he used to scuba dive for seafood.
He said, βEvery time I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically searching for a place to hide, so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself...
thatβs shellfish.β
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Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake.
After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died.
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Chuck NorrisΒ once lent his silly string to aΒ teenager.
We now know him as Spider-Man.
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Why shouldnβt you ask Yoda for money?
Heβs a little short.
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Where did Luke get his cybernetic hand?
The second hand store.
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How does Lady Gaga like her sushi?
Ra-ra-raw-raw Ra-ra-raw-raw.
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Dear Justin Bieber haters, please respect him.
I owe my life to Justin.
Last August 16, 2014, I was in a coma for 4 months due to a terrible car accident. One day, my nurse turned the radio to Justinβs song.
So I got up... and turned off the radio.
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My doctor warned me that constantly singing Frank Sinatra songs was bad for my health, but I just wouldnβt listen.
And now, the end is near.
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Avril Lavigne could have just called her song Skater boy instead of Sk8er Boi.
Whyβd you have to go and make things so complicated?
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Who is Santaβs favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
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Chuck Norris canβt be racist, because to him there are no people, just light and dark targets.
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What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?
She said, βGod was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.β
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What do you call a sea of hot dogs?
Frank Ocean.
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How Chuck Norris plays golf?
He stares at the ball and the ball goes into the hole to hide.
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What does Michael Jackson have in common with NASA?
Itβs been decades since their first moonwalk.
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How does Tom Brady have a bad haircut before every game?
He always asks for the Super βBowl Cutβ.
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I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks heβs James Bond.
Well, I suppose he is a Shorn Canary.
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What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?
Existential dreads!
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A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview.
The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.
The first one asks, βWho do you think the best soccer player in the world is?β
The smart guy replies, βBefore it was Ronaldo but now itβs Messi.
The second interviewer asks, βWhen did the phone come out?β
The smart guy replies, βThe first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.β
The last interviewer asked, βDo you believe in UFOs?β
The smart guy replies, βI donβt know, but I think so.β
He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers, and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.
Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasnβt that bright so the first one asked, βWho is your father?β
The dumb guy replies, βBefore it was Ronaldo but now itβs Messi.β
The second interview asks, βWhen were you born?β
He replied, βI came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.β
The last interviewer asked, βAre you dumb?β
The dumb guy says, βI donβt know, but I think so.β
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Yo mamaβs so hairy that she gets mistaken for Chewbaccaβs cousin.
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Yo mamaβs back is so hairy it looks like sheβs giving Chewbacca a piggyback ride.
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Yo mommaβs so hairy she looks like she has two Ewoks in a headlock.
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Yo mamaβs so hairy that people run up to her and say βChewbacca, can I get your autograph?β.
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Yo mama is so tall the Kaminoans had to look up to see her face.
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Yo mommaβs so hairy when she went to the movie theater to see Star Wars, everybody screamed and said βITβS CHEWBACCA!β.
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Yo mamaβs so fat when Vader cut off her hand gravy would have come out had it not been cauterized by the lightsaber.
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Yo mamaβs so hairy that when she was born she looked like Chewbacca!
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Yo mamma so hairy that Han Solo mistaken her for Chewbackaο»Ώ.
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Youβre so short that Michelangelo could make a life-size sculpture of you with 1 can of Play-Doh.
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Your mamaβs so short that she makes Gary Coleman look like Shaquille OβNeal.
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Your mamaβs so short that her homies are the Keebler Elves.
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Your mamaβs so short during the election Donald Trump accidentally stepped on her and he thought he stepped on a brownieο»Ώ.
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Your mama so short she went under Trumpβs wallο»Ώ.
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Chuck Norris once soaked his beard in carbonated water.
The result is now sold as Red Bull.
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What did the man with a beard call his pottery shop?
Hairy Potter.
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Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
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Yo mama so fat Rick and Morty thought her belly button was a portal to another dimension.
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Yo mama so fat when she ate an Avocado it was Nickado.
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Yo mama so fat Donald Trump used her as the border wall.
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Yo mama so fat Darth Vader couldnβt even force choke her.
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Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
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Yo mamaβs nose hairs are so long that they make Bobobo jealous!
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Chuck Norris invented the Giraffe when he roundhouse kicked a spotted Horse in the chin.
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A man taunted Chuck Norris by holding a bag of potato chips in front of him and saying, βBetcha canβt just one!β
Chuck Norris subsequently ate the chips, the bag, and the man whole.
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The moon is just a football Chuck Norris kicked up when he was a kid.
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Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
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Chuck Norrisβ first job was as a paperboy.
There were no survivors.
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Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.
The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuckβs gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.
All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
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Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.
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Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.
The loser had to go live in the North Pole.
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Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.
Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.
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President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.
Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
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In high school, teachers had to raise their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.
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What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
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Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
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Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
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Chuck Norris once ate a Rubikβs Cube and pooped it out solved.
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When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
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There is no chin behind Chuck Norrisβ beard. There is only another fist.
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When Chuck Norris was a baby, he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.
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When Chuck Norrisβs parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.
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When the Tooth fairy comes to your house, she takes your tooth and gives you money.
When Chuck Norris comes to your house, he breaks your tooth and takes your money.
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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.
Itβs now called Red Bull.
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Chuck Norris doesnβt read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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