Enjoy our team's carefully selected Employment Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
An employee’s monthly salary was typically 2500$. However, one month, he received 2700$ and decided to remain silent about the discrepancy. The following month, his paycheck only amounted to 2300$, prompting him to march directly to the HR manager to voice his complaint.
The HR manager, somewhat puzzled, inquired why there hadn’t been a complaint the previous month when an extra 200 had been received.
With a slight smirk, the individual responded, “I’m usually one to forgive the first mistake, but I simply can’t tolerate it when a second one is made.”
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HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
😄 😄 😄
Employee: “Your careers page says the company offers a competitive salary. What does that mean exactly?”
HR: “That means your salary will be competing with your bills.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Puerto Rican construction worker?
A renaissance man.
😄 😄 😄
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea.
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I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work on a Minion Day.
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What’s worse than getting a job at McDonald’s?
Not getting the job at McDonald’s.
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An employee asked his boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it’s so close to Christmas?”
The boss said, “It’s May.”
“Sorry,” the employee replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it’s so close to Christmas?”
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I used to have a job collecting leaves.
I was raking it in.
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Why do Java developers wear glasses?
Because they can’t C#.
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My boss said to me, “You must be crazy! How can you issue a life insurance policy to a 108-year-old man?”
I said, “As you told me, I applied all the proper, stringent statistical tests. Not a single 108-year-old man has died in the last five years.”
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I met my wife while we were working at the same museum.
Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.
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Being an electrician really wasn’t the career I wanted, but I still go to work every day with a conduit attitude.
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An electric company is always looking for high-energy employees.
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Ancient Egyptian architect: “Do you know how to build a pyramid?”
Ancient Egyptian builder: “Well, err yeah, up to a point.”
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Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.
The question they’re all asked is, “What’s 2+2?”
The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”
The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll make it 5 just to be safe.”
The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, “How much do you want it to be?”
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I saw my sister weeping uncontrollably, worried that her Economics degree wouldn’t land her a job.
I said, “Are you having a financial cry, sis?”
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I have degrees in Politics, Economics and Psychology.
I don’t have a job, but at least I know why.
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What did the dragon say to the bad employee?
You’re fired.
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Why did the Java developer quit his job?
Because he didn’t get arrays.
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I was depressed in my job as a guillotine operator.
I just couldn’t see myself getting ahead in life with that job.
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If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
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I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.
It’s a whisk I was willing to take.
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What’s the difference between me and a camel?
A camel can work all week without drinking, I can drink all week without working.
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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, “Don’t do that again.”
“Sorry,” I said, “It must be the nerves.”
“Fair enough,” he replied, “But there was no need to hold the microphone to your ass.”
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I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.
It was my manager’s fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.
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How can an artist fill in a CV?
Drawing from experience.
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People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs.
That’s nonsense—what about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?
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At a meeting, the Boss told a joke.
Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.
The Boss asked him, “Didn’t you understand my joke?”
The guy replied, “Oh, I understood it, but I resigned this morning.”
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A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
The trainee shouts back, “And do you know who you are talking to, you fool?!”
“No,” replied the CEO indignantly.
“Good!” replied the trainee, and slams down the phone.
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Agency: “Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?”
MD: “Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone, and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation:
1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.
2. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.
3. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
4. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
5. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
6. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
7. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
8. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
9. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
10. If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.
11. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And...
12. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
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My boss calls me “Computer”, but it has nothing to do with my intelligence.
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
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A jobless man applied for the position of Office Boy at a very big company.
The employer interviewed him, then a test “Clean the Floor”.
“You are hired,” the employer said. “Give me your email address, and I’ll send you the application to fill out, as well as when you will start.”
The man replied, “I don’t have a computer or an email.”
“I’m sorry,” said the employer, “if you don’t have an email that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.”
The man left with no hope. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 USD in his pocket.
He then decided to go to the supermarket, bought a 10 kg tomato crate, then sold the tomatoes door to door. In less than two hours, he succeeded and doubled his capital.
He repeated the operation 3 times and returned home with $60 USD. The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go every day earlier, and returned late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his fleet of delivery vehicles.
Five years later, the man’s company was one of the biggest food retailers. He started to plan his family’s future and decided to have life insurance.
He called an insurance broker and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email.
The man replied, “I don’t have an email.”
The broker replied curiously, “You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?”
The man paused for a while and replied, “An office boy!”
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A stairway builder was retiring.
On his last workday the manager held a speech for him in the lunchroom.
“This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of each other and reach heaven!”
The retiring builder, a bit red from embaresment, responded quietly, “Oh, thank you for your kind words, but I have mostly been building basement stairs...”
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What is a NASA office worker’s favorite part of the workday?
Launchtime.
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Death must be really boring for subway drivers.
A light at the end of the tunnel is just a regular workday.
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Studies show the average worker is productive for 2 hours in an 8-hour workday.
I totally disagree because it’s hard work trying not to get caught doing nothing by your boss.
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The sun blacks out on a workday and everyone is amazed.
I do it and people say I’ve got a problem.
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An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her Dad on a “Take Your Kid to Workday”.
As they were walking around the office, the young girl was getting crankier and crankier, crying and sobbing.
Her father asked what was wrong with her.
As the concerned office staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!”
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My wife and I went down to the seafood market, but I didn’t trust the employees there.
They seemed a little fishy.
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What a pun’s dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist.
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Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?
He wanted an off-ice job.
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New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.
The manager told him, “Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:
If they say how much are the mangoes, you say “$5 a kilo”.
If they ask if they’re ripe, you say “Some are, some aren’t”.
If they say they don’t want to buy, you shrug and say “If you don’t, someone else will”.”
After many attempts using hand gestures, he is satisfied that Con gets it. So he leaves Con alone to see how he goes on his first day.
The first customer comes in and asks how much the mangoes are.
He says, “Five-a dolla per-a kilo.”
The guy asks if they are ripe.
He says, “Summa dey are, Summa dey aren’t.”
He says maybe next time.
So Con shrugs and tells him, as instructed, “If you-a don’t, summabody else will.”
The guy shakes his head and leaves.
Later, another customer comes in.
He asks Con for the time.
Con replies, “Five-a dolla per-a kilo.”
The guy looks very confused, stares at Con for a few seconds, and then asks him, “Is your whole family crazy like you are?”
Con shakes his head and replies, “Summa dey are, Summa dey aren’t.”
The guy is getting pretty angry by now, thinking Con is playing with him.
The guy says, “So, do you want me to punch you in the face right now?!”
Con shrugs again and says, “If you-a don’t, summabody else will.”
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After I spoke with the tax auditor, I slept like a baby.
I woke up every hour and cried.
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An IRS auditor is walking down the street when a mugger stops him.
“Give me your money!” the mugger says.
“You can’t do that!” says the IRS auditor.
“Oh,” the mugger comments. “Well, in that case, give me MY money.”
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What did the internal auditor do to liven up the office party?
He didn’t show up.
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During her company’s periodic password audit, a blond employee was found to be using this password:
GoofyHueyLouieDeweyDaisyDonaldMickeyMinniePhoenix
When she was asked why she had such a long password, she said, “The boss said that my password had to be at least eight characters long and have at least one capital.”
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
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I started working at a watermelon street market booth. My first customer was I guy really big. Seriously built, kind of like The Rock but taller.
He asks, “How much for the watermelon?”
Me: “8 dollars.”
Guy: “Okay, I want half. Here’s $4.”
Me: “Sir, we only sell entire watermelons. For 8 bucks.”
Guy: “I am telling you that I want half.”
The guy was getting angry.
Me: “Sir, let me repeat. We only sell entire watermelons for 8 each.”
Guy: “Well, then go ask your manager because I want to buy HALF OF A WATERMELON!”
Now the guy was pretty pissed.
So, I went to the back of the tent and was explaining to my boss, “This ridiculous, stupid man wants to buy only half a watermelon for 4 dollars!”
And then I looked, and the giant was standing right behind me with a very bad face. Eyes blood-red in anger.
So I said very graciously, “And, this fine gentleman here would like to purchase the other half.”
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Yo mama so fat, she sweats butter and syrup, and has a full time job at Denny’s wiping pancakes across her forehead.
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One company owner asks another, “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies, “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
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What is the best way to criticize your boss?
Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.
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Employee: “Can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: “Certainly not.”
Employee: “Thank you so much! I knew you would be understanding.”
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Why do retirees smile all the time?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
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What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays?
Retired!
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A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.
The boss felt sorry for him and didn’t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.
He said to the worker, “Why don’t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?”
The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.
“Sir,” he whispers, his throat feeling worse, “Please slow down, there’s a road crew up ahead.”
“Okay,” the driver whispers back, “I’ll try not to wake them.”
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A boss was waiting in his office one day when he noticed that all of his workers were missing.
He waits a few more minutes before the first worker comes in.
“Why were you late?” asked the boss.
Sounding exhausted, the worker says, “Sorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.”
The boss thinks nothing of it and sends the worker off.
The next 2 workers come in to check in and the boss asks them the same question, “Why were you late?”
The workers give the boss the exact same reason, “Sorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.”
The boss thinks that he must be losing his mind, but sends the workers off anyways.
Finally, the last worker comes in and the boss says, “Let me guess, your car broke down on the way to work so you tried the bus, but the bus broke down so you hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately, you were near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and you had to jog the rest of the way?”
The worker said, “No boss, you got it all wrong, you see, there were so many broken down cars, buses, cabs, dead horses and crazed joggers in the streets, it was impossible to get through.”
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Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, “Didn’t you like the muffs?”
The Foreman said, “They’re a thing of beauty.”
“Why don’t you wear them?” The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, “I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! Never again, never again!”
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My Sister works at a pharmacy.
As a pharmasister.
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Pharmacists find their work to be very encapsulating.
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I just got a job at a pharmacy. The pay isn’t great...
But the percs are amazing!
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Why did the disgruntled hot dog vendor quit his job?
He just didn’t relish it.
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Why did Spider-Man quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
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Spider-Man gets a job in the CIA.
What does the officer tell him?
Spy-there-man!
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Last year, I had a job at the bowling alley.
It wasn’t for long though; I was only tenpin.
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What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?
Reapply.
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I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.
Everyone looks surprised.
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Haircuts are great because I did none of the work, but get all the credit.
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A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you’ve ever seen.
“Give me two shots of Jack Daniels,” he says to the bartender. “One for me, and one for you.”
“You know, I don’t drink on the job,” the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, “And that’s why I like you better than my barber!”
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A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.
One day, a spaceship with “UFO” written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.
The blonde’s boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
“Do you know what “UFO” stands for?” He asks.
“Of course.” She replies, “Unleaded Fuel Only.”
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A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview.
The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.
The first one asks, “Who do you think the best soccer player in the world is?”
The smart guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.
The second interviewer asks, “When did the phone come out?”
The smart guy replies, “The first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Do you believe in UFOs?”
The smart guy replies, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers, and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.
Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasn’t that bright so the first one asked, “Who is your father?”
The dumb guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.”
The second interview asks, “When were you born?”
He replied, “I came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Are you dumb?”
The dumb guy says, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
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My cousin works in a chocolate shop.
He works behind the bar.
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What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend?
A PayDay.
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Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled “The Milky Bars are on me!”, people just cheered.
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How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M’s are protesting?
They start painting the m letters upside-down.
How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M’s are protesting really hard?
They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.
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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain. So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion.
Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him, “You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back... erm... a pair of crocodile shoes!”
Roderick salutes and leaves.
Two years later, a search and rescue team is sent to India, to recover his remains.
After weeks of hacking through the jungle, they finally find him.
With a huge, thick beard and wearing rags, Rod sits on the riverbank holding a huge cudgel in his hands. Behind him is a gigantic pile of dead crocodiles.
A crocodile swims by; Rod whacks it on the head with the cudgel, drags it out of the water, examines its feet, and throws him on the pile with a curse, “Damn, another one without shoes!!”
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Can you guess what the calendar worker got fired for?
He took a day off without telling anyone!
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I was on a Zoom meeting just now and my husband needed to go behind me, so he thoughtfully crawled to stay out of the camera, which means instead of seeing him walk by in his pajamas, my coworkers saw him crawl by in his pajamas.
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Client on group chat: “This is jeans week so feel free to wear jeans tomorrow.”
Me: “Dang, does that mean I have to wear pants?”
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My commute to work today was just awful!
Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.
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WFH day 3:
Was in a 15-person online meeting, thought I was muted, farted really loudly... Shit!
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An ergonomic workspace is really important while working from home.
That’s why my couch now has a Pilates ball as a footrest.
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The hardest part about working from home is the distractions, my girlfriend never stops talking to me while I’m on my PlayStation.
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I like working from home.
It’s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
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Eventually we got the video to work, but now I’m fired.
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Zoom meetings is a stupid name, and it’s branded.
We should call it a bit more casual like “coworker video chat” or something shorter, like “co-vid”.
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Professionals who think they can work uninterruptedly 9 hours a day end up watching Netflix and drinking a full bottle of coke.
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Sure, working from home can have its disadvantages.
I miss the office politics, the lack of freedom and having to wear shoes.
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Coworker: “Do you ever think about work at home?”
Me: “I don’t even think about work at work!”
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Friend 1: “You’re working from home because of the coronavirus?”
Friend 2: “I’m working from home because I don’t have a real job. We are not the same.”
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At 11 am, my Boss asking me the status of work from home.
But at that time, I am trying to remember who is he.
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Today’s working from home tip:
Blowing on the wine in the mug will help convince your Zoom meeting that your tea is hot.
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Working from home becomes more difficult when your bed and YouTube constantly beg for your attention.
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When you work from home, a Tuesday looks pretty much like a Saturday.
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Just kissed my husband intimately on the back of the neck, as I walked past him while working from home.
He started this job on Monday. I thought he was watching a video. He was on a meeting with the CEO.
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Pros of working from home:
· No pants
· Loud music.
Cons of working from home:
· You have to make your own coffee
· You talk to yourself too much.
😄 😄 😄
Manager: “Sir, our employees are so habitual of working from home and can’t work in a normal office.”
“For a better environment, we have made the office look and facility like Home and ask them to come in their pajamas.”
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Working from home is tough.
I have to coordinate a desktop, a laptop and a handheld.
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Husband: “I am working remotely.”
Wife: “You are not even remotely working.”
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When I said, I wanted to work from home, I didn’t mean I work on Saturday.
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My wife has a Zoom call for work, which means the dog and I have to stay in the bedroom since we don’t know how to behave on Zoom calls.
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I can’t work with idiots.
That’s why I work from home and got rid of all the mirrors.
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My boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and can’t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting.
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The most annoying thing about working from home is awkward Skype calls with clients.
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So apparently, everyone on my husband’s Zoom work call finds my singing distracting.
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Working from home is making me go to the kitchen more often than usual.
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I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I’m working.
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My partner and I have been working from home since March 2020, and he has finally politely informed me that my typing sounds like 50 hungry woodpeckers trying to eat a keyboard.
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Now that I’m teaching remotely, I can’t reward my students for their good work.
So I tell them to visit my website for cookies instead.
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Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together:
Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on.
In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
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No thanks, pants! I am working from home today.
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My work from home plan isn’t going very well because my pet cat keeps hitting its paws on my remote working.
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Remote working has worked out well for IT professionals.
It was a hard drive to the office anyway!
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I have been working from home since March of last year.
I am an Uber driver.
😄 😄 😄
Bill and Melinda were happy for 27 years
And then Bill started working from home.
😄 😄 😄
Before “working from home” became a thing, I had no idea how great it would feel to walk around naked and fart all day whilst working!
😄 😄 😄
Started working from home recently building boats in my attic...
Sails are through the roof.
😄 😄 😄
Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
😄 😄 😄
I don’t work well under pressure...
...or any other circumstance.
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I like work. It fascinates me.
I sit and look at it for hours.
😄 😄 😄
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
😄 😄 😄
I’m great at multitasking:
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
😄 😄 😄
My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.
I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
😄 😄 😄
How is my husband still late when working from home?
😄 😄 😄
They say to have a successful day working from home, you should wake up early, go for a walk, take a shower, and treat it as if it’s a normal workday...
...So is it considered unsuccessful if I wake up 5 minutes before my first call?
😄 😄 😄
When working from home, for focus and mental health, it’s really important to NOT just wear your pajamas!
Wear yesterday’s clothes you grabbed off the floor.
😄 😄 😄
Work is really interfering with my enjoyment of working from home.
😄 😄 😄
Working from home:
the place where your hours are made up and your pants don’t matter.
😄 😄 😄
Working from home is not so bad. I’m starting to get the hang of it.
I can work in my pajamas, have a glass of wine with my lunch, and have my lunch at 9 a.m.
😄 😄 😄
My husband started working from home this week and is set up at the kitchen table so he sees me and the cats repeatedly coming in for snacks, and finally says, “So you guys just eat all day, huh?”
He does NOT understand our office culture and I don’t think he’s fitting in at all.
😄 😄 😄
How do people in the navy work from home?
Play Battleship.
😄 😄 😄
Memo from Director-General to Manager:
Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes.
As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park.
Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information.
Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes.
For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director-General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director-General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse.
This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.
This will be safe if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director-General will eclipse the sun for two minutes.
This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director-General disappear.
It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.
😄 😄 😄
I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop, but I turned it down.
I don’t like working on sundaes.
😄 😄 😄
How do construction workers party?
They raise the roof.
😄 😄 😄
I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
😄 😄 😄
The boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.
Boss: “Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?”
Abdul: “Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.”
Today is Abdul’s farewell party.
😄 😄 😄
I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile.
Turns out they prefer money.
😄 😄 😄
The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
😄 😄 😄
After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?”
Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 pickles.”
😄 😄 😄
When my boss asked me why I showed up late for our Zoom meeting, I told him that he wouldn’t believe the network traffic.
😄 😄 😄
Working from home. Day 1:
This’ll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.
Day 8:
Engages in conversation with a lamp...
😄 😄 😄
Working from home. Day 6.
Client: “No! This is unacceptable. I want to speak to one of your superiors.”
Me: “Moooom!”
😄 😄 😄
There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after... and working from home.
😄 😄 😄
The house cleaner told me that she was going to start working from home, so she sent me a list of chores.
😄 😄 😄
I like to wrap myself in a blanket when I work from home.
You could say I now work undercover.
😄 😄 😄
My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”
Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.
😄 😄 😄
Co-worker asked me, “If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has superpowers, who would be the winners?”
Your Parents when you move out.
😄 😄 😄
Albert’s retirement party presentation.
“Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company.
Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.
So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.”
😄 😄 😄
When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, “Oh, nothing. It’s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.”
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, “Gee, I never knew you played football.”
I said, “Well, I don’t. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...”
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A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make a little over $400 a week, why?”
The CEO said, “Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, handed the guy $1,600 in cash, and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?”
From across the room, a voice said, “Sure, he was the Pizza delivery guy and was just waiting to collect the money.”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy.
There were no survivors.
😄 😄 😄
What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
😄 😄 😄
Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.
😄 😄 😄
My interviewer leaned back in his chair and said, “Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
“But I never went to college,” I replied.
“Well then, I’m sorry. You are underqualified to work here,” he said, as he showed me the door.
😄 😄 😄
Brunette Mary and blonde Liz were talking in the office one day.
Mary: “Wow, that is some cold you have, Liz.”
Liz: “Tell me about it. I just cannot get rid of it.”
Mary: “Try some Cold-Doc 3. I have a bottle on my desk. Just take 3 tablespoons before you go to bed and you’ll be fine. Here ya go.”
Liz: “Thanks, I’ll give it a try.”
The next day Liz was standing by her desk jumping up and down, waving her arms in the air, and kicking her legs out.
Mary: “Liz, It is nice to see you are feeling better. Is that a new dance?”
Liz: “Oh No, I still don’t feel that great. I took the medicine you gave me and just realized it said to shake well before using.”
😄 😄 😄
Retail job interview (2012).
“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”
“You mean after the global pandemic or before the war?”
😄 😄 😄
It’s true women do make less money than men. But it’s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.
Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.
Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
😄 😄 😄
If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:
right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.
😄 😄 😄
I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
😄 😄 😄
Welcome to the accounting department, where everybody counts!
😄 😄 😄
Intaxifcation: The wonderful feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.
😄 😄 😄
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.
Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.
Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.
His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
“Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window.”
😄 😄 😄
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
😄 😄 😄
Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”
Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!
😄 😄 😄
I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.
Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
😄 😄 😄
It was the first day of school.
Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”
“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”
“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”
😄 😄 😄
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
😄 😄 😄
Boss: “Do you believe in life after death?”
Employee: “No, because there is no proof of it.”
Boss: “Well there is now!”
Employee: “How?”
Boss: “When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle’s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.”
😄 😄 😄
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
😄 😄 😄
My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
😄 😄 😄
When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
😄 😄 😄
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.
I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
😄 😄 😄
My father was stupid.
He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
😄 😄 😄
A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.
Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.
He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.
As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, “Do you know, fancy that, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”
😄 😄 😄
The boss said I should go home because I really don’t look good.
I don’t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.
😄 😄 😄
Two friends talking:
“Hey, can I borrow some money? I’m broke.”
“Get money from your job.”
“I got fired.”
“Why?”
“My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.”
😄 😄 😄
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
😄 😄 😄
How does the German baker greet his customers?
Gluten Morgen!
😄 😄 😄
