Enjoy our team's carefully selected Drink Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
How many shots can an Irish man handle?
About 10 rounds.
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What kinds of beer makes you urinate vowels?
IPAs.
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Do you know that beer makes you lean?
On walls, toilets, and refrigerators.
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Do you want to know the real reason nobody is buying Corona beer after this pandemic?
They don’t want any cases.
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How does a carpenter order 5 beers?
With 2 hands.
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What’s God’s favorite beer?
Busch Light.
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What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink?
Sets on the Beach.
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Why shouldn’t you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he’ll try to spike all the drinks.
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A guy walks into a café and orders a coffee to go.
The coffee gets up and leaves.
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When I went to my favorite Irish café after years...
I felt deja brew all over again.
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Never go on a date with a cactus.
They’ll spike your drink.
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Where do you store peach juice?
Inside of a peach-er.
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What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer?
A milk sheikh.
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A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.
Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him, “Why the long face?”
The salesman replied, “I failed in Saudi Arabia. The campaign was a total failure.”
“Why is that?” asked the friend. “I thought you had a good campaign running.”
“Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the Saudis. But I had a problem—I didn’t speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhaustion; he has fainted.
Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.
I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldn’t go anywhere without seeing them.”
“Terrific! That should have worked!” said the friend.
“It should have,” sighed the salesman. “Only no one told me they read from right to left…”
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Why did the grape go to school?
To become a little wine-y!
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Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service.
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There’s a hair in my wine.
The grapes must have been fur-mented.
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Preschools and bars have the same rule.
You pee your pants, you go home.
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What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
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What do you call a person from Portugal?
Portuguese.
What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?
Portugeezer.
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The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in room 222.
Close to 17:00, he calls room service from the landline and says the following.“Tu ti, tu tututu.”
The attendant has a hard time understanding the request and, considering that it is the president, not just some regular customer, concludes that he must have overheard an encoded message meant for a Brazilian operative currently undercover. He calls the CIA and describes the situation. Shortly after, two agents are dispatched to the location.
After some hours of work and observation, they are unable to decipher any meaning from the encoded message.
The president eventually calls again and says, “Hello. Tu ti, tu tututu.”
The two agents recorded the enigmatic message and, after some more frustration, decided to call in a specialist in the Portuguese language.
The specialist, after learning of the situation, decides that the best course of action is to go undercover as room service to the president’s room.
When the specialist returned, he explained. “All the president wanted was some tea delivered to his room, Two tea, to two two two.”
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Chuck Noris once picked an apple from an orange tree and made lemonade with it.
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Little Johnny’s chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe what happens to the two worms,” said the professor, putting the first worm in the glass of water.
The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It writhed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.
“Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
“Mother”, the nuns pleaded, “Please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”
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I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.
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I made a blue smoothie today.
It was berry good.
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Friend 1: “I just invented something to help get people out of bed in the morning. It’s called “Rise and Shine Juice”.
Friend 2: “Cool! What’s in it?”
Friend 1: “Yeast and shoe polish.”
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What drink breaks the ice?
Flirt-Tea.
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An Indian walks into a café with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Me in training for upper management: come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.”
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Some wise guys show a civil engineer an 8 ounce glass with 4 ounces of water in it.
They ask him the age old question, “Is the glass half empty or half full?”
The civil engineer responds, “The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”
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Bengali: “My grandfather lived for 96 years and he never used glasses.”
Me: “Yes, I know, some people in my family also drink directly from the bottle.”
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What kind of tea do Niners Cornerbacks drink?
Penaltea.
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Why do one-legged people like beer?
Because it’s made with hops.
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A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachers’ Day evening and says, “Can I have a beer.”
The barman says, “I don’t know, can you?”
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Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve?
Waiting for the punchline.
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What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve?
The ice falls out of your drinks!
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Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”
“Don’t get up,” said the Army Ranger, “I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.”
As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Ranger’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, “That looks good, I’d really like one, too.”
Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Ranger’s other shoe and spat in it.
When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“Why does it have to be this way?” he asked. “How long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?”
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What drink goes with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Nut-tea.
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Where did the mummy drink his espresso?
In his Sar-coffee-gus.
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A guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks, “Hey, do you know Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, Kung Fu or anything like that?”
Offended, the Asian man replies, “What you think that just because I’m Asian, I know martial arts?”
The man replies, “Nah, it’s because you’re drinking my damn bourbon!”
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A man approaches a priest.
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”
“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.”
“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”
“No, but it’ll wipe that smile off your face.”
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What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?
This is a fine mesh we’ve gotten ourselves into.
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What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
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What do you call tea made with weed and koala bears?
A High Koala Tea Beverage.
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What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
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What drink does the Joker hate?
Societea.
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Don’t you love sitting on the sofa late at night with a glass of wine in your hand?
Until the police come along and kick you out of IKEA.
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My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She just drinks straight out of the bottle.
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In 1945 Chuck Norris drank a Red Bull and jumped out of a plane.
For image results, Google the word Hiroshima.
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I accidentally dropped a full two liter bottle of ginger ale onto my bare foot.
Fortunately it was a soft drink.
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What do root vegetables usually order at a bar?
Ginger beer.
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If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
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My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “Do you smoke or drink coffee?”
I told him I drink it.
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A friend of mine accidentally deleted my game data and told me to calm down.
So, after a nice cup of tea, I hid his body.
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What’s the difference between me and a camel?
A camel can work all week without drinking, I can drink all week without working.
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How do you serve a camel a cup of tea?
Ask them if they want one hump or two.
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I saw a butterfly with no wings today.
I poured some Red Bull on it and BAM... it drowned.
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My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
“Are we expecting guests?” I asked.
“No,” she replied.
“Then why did you buy so much bread?”
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A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”
The barman looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the brain.
“You’re already out of your head.”
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Bison Theory
A herd of bison can only move as fast as the slowest bison, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
The slowest bison are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the bison, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
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I just signed up for the new college course about the effects of drinking soda on the body.
Anatomy and Fizzyology.
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A mother sends her son to the well to fetch water.
When the boy comes back without water, he explains that there was an alligator in the well.
“Don’t worry,” says the mother. “The alligator is just as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Mom,” says the boy, “if the alligator is as scared of me as I am of him, we shouldn’t be drinking that water.”
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What do you get when you drink root beer in a square glass?
Beer!
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I stopped drinking water while studying chemistry.
My notes say adding water decreases concentration.
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A Mormon walks into a bar and says, “I’m with the Utah Liquor Control Department, prepare for a fifteen-hour compliance audit.”
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An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was surprised to see his happy demeanor.
Doctor: “What is the secret of your good health?”
Old man: “I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling. And then come back and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health.”
Doctor: “Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died?”
Old man: “My father died! Who told you that he died?!”
Doctor (surprised): “You mean that you are 80 years old, and your father is still alive? So how old is he now?”
Old man: “He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine.”
Doctor: “This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family’s genes. So, how old was your grandfather when he died?”
Old man: “My grandfather died! Who told you that he died?!”
Doctor (puzzled): “You mean that you are 80 years old, and your grandfather is still alive very much! What is his age?”
Old man: “Yes, he is 123 years old.”
Doctor: “I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too?”
Old man: “No, Grandpa could not go this morning, because he is getting married today.”
Doctor (on the verge of going mad): “Why would he want to get married at the age of 123?”
Old man: “Who said he wanted to get married? He had to be forced.”
Doctor (shouted): “But why?!”
Old man: “The Girl is pregnant, that’s why.”
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since. The clinic is closed.
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I just saw real, a real idiot at the gym.
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
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A Native American hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.
As they were driving along, the Native American noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents.
The city man replied, “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife.”
The Native American looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said, “Good trade.”
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If I ever go missing, I would like my photo, but on wine bottles instead of milk cartons.
This way my friends will know where to look for me.
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What do you call it when you walk into a tea shop and feel like you’ve been there before?
Déja-brew.
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Was drinking a milkshake.
Me: “Dammit, I think there’s a hole in the side of my straw.”
Dad: “You think that’s bad?! Mine’s got one at the top and one at the bottom.”
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What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke?
The snack that’s also crack.
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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in, and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Jim says, “Me too. You know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?”
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning, Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It’s Jim.
Jim: “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Dave: “I feel great, how about you?”
Jim: “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
Dave: “No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”
Jim: “Yeah, well there’s just one thing.”
Dave: “What’s that?”
Jim: “Have you farted yet?”
Dave: “No.”
Jim: “Well, DON’T—because I’m in New Zealand.”
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Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend’s glass.
Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.
“Only one calorie per can,” she read aloud.
“Hmm,” murmured the other blonde. “I wonder which glass has the calorie?”
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If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.
If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
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What’s the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
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A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.
The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.
The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.
Finally, the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.
The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”
To which the man replies surprised, “Oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”
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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
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A guy was in a bar drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”
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Patient: “Doctor, I think that I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”
Doctor: “Drink this glass of water.”
Patient: “Will it make me better?”
Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”
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One day an Irishman called Seamus went into a pharmacy in Clonmel. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle of Irish whiskey and a teaspoon.
Seamus proceeded to pour some of the amber liquid into the teaspoon and offered it to the chemist.
“Could you taste this for me, please?” asked Seamus.
The chemist took the teaspoon, put it into his mouth, swilled the liquid around, and swallowed it.
“Does that taste sweet to you?” says Seamus.
“No, not at all,” says the pharmacist.
“Oh that’s a relief,” says Seamus. “Doctor Flannigan told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”
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The guy goes into a pub.
He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.
The barman says, “Why are you not drinking the other three pints?”
He says, “Doctors orders.”
“What do you mean by that?” asks the barman.”
“I am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.”
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What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
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What did the planets drink when they wanted to bulk up?
Milky Whey.
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I never drink beer with an orange slice in it.
Except once in a Blue Moon.
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Why do aliens always spill their tea?
Because they have flying saucers!
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Chuck Norris once soaked his beard in carbonated water.
The result is now sold as Red Bull.
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A bearded man walks into a bar, “Everybody’s drinks are on me tonight!”
He then drank his beer, went to the restroom, and shaved his beard.
later he went to the bartender and asked, “How much should I pay?”
“No, sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight.”
“Ok,” and he left.
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What did the fancy bearded goat order at the café?
A goa-tea.
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I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...
The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.
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What’s the best drink they make in space?
Le-moon-ade!
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I wonder if the moon prefers coffee or gravi-tea?
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Today’s working from home tip:
Blowing on the wine in the mug will help convince your Zoom meeting that your tea is hot.
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Boyfriend: “I love you.”
Girlfriend: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Boyfriend: “It’s me talking to the wine.”
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What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?
Fun-gi to be around!
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What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?
He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.
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Priest: “Don’t drink too much liquor. You will go to hell.”
Alcoholic: “Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor?”
Priest: “He will also go to hell.”
Alcoholic: “OK, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts them out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?”
Priest: “She too will go to hell.”
Alcoholic: “In that case, I have no problem going to hell.”
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”
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Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.
Then he’d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.
He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.
“Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.
We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”
His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.
This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.
Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.
Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.
“It’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”
“Oh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”
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What does the sun drink out of?
Sun-glasses.
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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.
It’s now called Red Bull.
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Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.
He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
The Reverend Morgan then sat down.
Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.”
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A priest had 3 people at confession.
He went to Guy 1 and asked, “What sin did you commit?”
Guy 1 responded, “I murdered someone.”
The priest responded, “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”
He did so and stood back.
The priest asked Guy 2 and asked, “What sin did you commit?”
Guy 2 responded, “I cheated on my wife.”
The priest responded, “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”
He did so and stood back as well.
Then it was the 3rd person’s turn.
The priest asked him, “So, what sin did you commit?”
Nervously, Guy 3 responded, “Um…well, you see, Father…I peed in the holy water.”
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A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.
Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
“And for your other two wishes?”
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”
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Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”
Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”
Bartender: “Three dollars.”
Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”
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Yo momma is so stupid when I said “Drinks are on the house” she got a ladder.
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