Enjoy our team's carefully selected Double Meaning Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
How many shots can an Irish man handle?
About 10 rounds.
😄 😄 😄
It’s been raining for 3 days without stopping.
My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.
If the rain doesn’t stop tomorrow, I’ll have to let her in.
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Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:
Step 1. Get a pumpkin.
Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.
Step 3. Give it a little push.
Step 4. Enjoy.
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Coworker: “Do you ever think about work at home?”
Me: “I don’t even think about work at work!”
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I like to show my girlfriend who’s the boss in our house.
I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.
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My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors.
But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn’t smell good.
😄 😄 😄
Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”
Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”
😄 😄 😄
I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.
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When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, “Oh, nothing. It’s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.”
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, “Gee, I never knew you played football.”
I said, “Well, I don’t. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...”
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“Mum, I just won this phone in a race!”
“Who was in the race?”
“The owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”
😄 😄 😄
Diet day 1:
I removed all the fattening food from my house.
It was delicious.
😄 😄 😄
Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer.
Alex—a little boy of nine—was playing ball in his yard.
He saw the farmer and asked, “What’ve you got in your trailer?”
“Manure,” farmer Smith replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked Alex.
“Put it on my pumpkins,” answered the farmer.
Alex replied, “You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.”
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Me, at the hot dog stand: “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”
Hot dog guy: “Sure. Won’t be long.”
Me: “In that case, can I have two?”
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Two leprechauns are in the forest and one starts eating mushrooms, so the other one says to him, “Are you having fun, Gus?”
😄 😄 😄
A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.
“What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.
“Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised.
“Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “you’ll win!”
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I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”
After a twenty-second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
She replied, “Yeah... but I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”
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My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn’t buy it and he certainly didn’t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and went to the jewelers.
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”
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Teacher: “Take a seat”.
Student: “Where do you want me to take it to?”
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I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.
He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.
😄 😄 😄
A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.
“Will I be able to race this horse again?” he asks.
The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”
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I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, “What do you do?”
I replied, “I race motorcycles.”
She asked further, “Do you usually win many races?”
I said, “No, the bikes are much faster than I am.”
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On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, “What are your parents’ names?”
The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing and my mother’s name is Smiling.”
The teacher said, “Are you kidding?”
The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.”
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A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, “Do you have frog legs?”
The waiter looks offended, “No, I’ve always walked like that!”
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A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.
After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”
The neighbor looks at him slowly, “Wait, inside?!”
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Did you know, you can make any dish an autumn dish by adding one simple step?
Try dropping it on the floor.
It really gives it that fall flavor.
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Whenever autumn comes around, I like to walk around and collect the colorful leaves.
It sounds better than saying I’m a street sweeper.
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When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hot dogs and my favorite candy.
You can’t do that these days...
Too many damned security cameras.
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It’s cleaning day today.
I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
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Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
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My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married... I didn’t want him to.
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Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.
He just replied, “That’s because I use both my nostrils.”
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My poor dog doesn’t have a big nose.
That makes him smell terrible.
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I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did!
Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.
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Last night I made fish tacos.
They looked at them and just swam away.
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Today I made a big pot of pasta,
but when I went to dump the pot into the sink, I think I strained something.
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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
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I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
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I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...
They’re too fast. I’d never win.
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To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
“Hello.”
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A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.
She must be exhausted.
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If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They’re normally around 90 degrees.
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
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What to give a man who’s got everything?
A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.
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What does the light bulb say when it’s being unscrewed?
“I’m feeling delighted...”
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“Do you know the difference between a fly and an elephant?”
“No.”
“Wow! You’d better see somebody then.”
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If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?
Diabetes.
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What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
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I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
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It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.
The wife and the mother-in-law.
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Marriage is an institution of three rings:
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
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A golden rule of the wife:
There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.
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The relationship between a man and a woman is a psychological one.
The woman is psycho, the man is logical.
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I love vegan food!
It makes an excellent side dish to any meat.
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Yesterday I went to the doctor with a sinus infection.
But he told me it was all in my head.
😄 😄 😄
I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile.
Turns out they prefer money.
😄 😄 😄
I burned 2000 calories today.
I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
😄 😄 😄
Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
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It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.
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My neighbors listen to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
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Girlfriend: “Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
Boyfriend: “Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”
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Boyfriend: “I’d really like to have enough money to buy a white tiger!”
Girlfriend: “What on Earth would you do with a white tiger?!”
Boyfriend: “Who said I’d get a white tiger? I just want that much money!”
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Girlfriend: “Excuse me, could you please close that window? It’s terribly cold outside.”
Boyfriend: “And you seriously think it’s going to get any warmer outside when I close it?!”
😄 😄 😄
Girlfriend: “Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?”
Boyfriend: “Yes, February 14th.”
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Boyfriend: “I love you.”
Girlfriend: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Boyfriend: “It’s me talking to the wine.”
😄 😄 😄
Alcoholics don’t run in my family.
But sometimes they fall down the stairs.
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, “Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?”
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
“No,” says the man, “I wanted a normal KitKat, fatty.”
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I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...
I’ve been banned for life from that shop.
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Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.
Cashier: “You must be single, right?”
Me: “Yes! How did you know?”
Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”
😄 😄 😄
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party.
Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.
“No one does that to a woman, not on my watch!”
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A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.
A woman with a small dog walked up to sit on another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked, “Would you mind if I throw him a bit?”
“Not at all,” the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.
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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
😄 😄 😄
My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
😄 😄 😄
My friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead.”
😄 😄 😄
A couple goes to the cinema.
“Two tickets, please,” says the man.
“Hobbit?” asks the cashier lady.
“No, that’s my wife.”
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A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.
“You got to ride him to win,” the trainer says, “because I’ve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.”
“Will there be any room for me?” the jockey asks.
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I keep trying to get into horse racing, but they’re too fast for me.
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I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.
They said, “No, just until the end of June.”
😄 😄 😄
Everyone during the summer tries to make sure they have an air conditioner.
But no one has any air shampoo.
😄 😄 😄
I was going to buy a pocket calculator.
But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.
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I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.
😄 😄 😄
A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.
When they ran into a family of skunks.
They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.
They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.
The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.
They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, “There’s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?”
The husband thinks for a second and says, “Hey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.”
The wife replies, “Well what about the smell?”
The husband says, “It’ll be alright, just hold its nose.”
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A man left for work one Friday morning.
Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
“That would be fine with me”, he replied.
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.
He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach “a worthless idiot” is it?” Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your parents.”
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Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.
It was the guy in the booth behind her.
“Not so loud!” he said.
“What?” she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.
“I said not so loud!” was his muffled reply.
Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.
“How was your day?” questioned the man from behind once again.
“Pretty good,” responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.
“Did you pass the exam?” came the next question from behind.
“I don’t know, I didn’t get my grade yet,” replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty.
“I’ll have to call you back when I’m out of here”, came the voice from behind once again, “some nut job is answering every question I ask you!”
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Did you hear that Johnny’s grandma is 80% Irish?
Her name is Iris.
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Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad.
So I walked over to him and said, “I think you’re supposed to open that first.”
😄 😄 😄
A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study, so his old man buys him a sports car to drive around.
A few days pass, and the father calls the son, “How's it going, son? Are you having fun with your car?”
“No, father. I am ashamed; everyone here gets around by train.”
“Don’t embarrass me, son. Buy yourself a train too.”
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Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
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A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family. She was five hours late and her family was getting worried.
When she finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD...”
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Noticed the ladies’ restroom door was missing the ‘W’.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen.
😄 😄 😄
Walked into a restroom and saw an “Out of order” sign on a urinal.
It’s going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order...
😄 😄 😄
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying “Employees must wash hands”.
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
😄 😄 😄
At St. Peter’s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go picka her up.”
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Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There’s always yelling, crying, and plate-throwing.
Also, it’s hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.
😄 😄 😄
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
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What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?
“Easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.”
😄 😄 😄
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great poet.
When asked to define “great”, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, no, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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The barman in the pub looked over at me and said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?”
“Why would I want two empty glasses?” I asked.
😄 😄 😄
Keeping The Romance Alive
I still love to spoil the love of my life.
If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me she’s on her way. I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.
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What is a carnivore’s favorite bumper sticker for their car?
“I love animals. They taste great.”
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An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder.
The barman asks, “Where did you get that?”
The seagull replies, “Down the tip, there are heaps of them there.”
😄 😄 😄
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.
On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.
The Americans were incredulous.
Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate aborigine.
“Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”
The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It’s a red one. The left front tire is bald. The front ends out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.”
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
“God man, how do you know all that?,” asked one.
The aborigine replied, “I fell out off the pucken thing about half an hour ago!”
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Doctor: “How’s the flu medicine going for you? I know it’s a little bitter.”
Patient: “No, the medicine’s fine, can’t even taste anything when I take it.”
😄 😄 😄
A 911 operator gets a call.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks.
“I’m smoking,” replied a middle-aged woman.
“Sorry, ma’am, but you shouldn’t be calling 911. Please contact an expert, if you need help,” the operator hangs up the phone.
The phone rings again.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks again.
“I’m smoking,” replied the same woman.
“Sorry, ma’am, but you should not be calling 911. You are aware you called us just now, correct?”
Woman: “Yeah.”
“Well, then please do not call us unless you have a proper emergency. Thank you,” the operator hangs up the phone.
The phone rings again.
“I swear to god, if it’s that woman, I’m going to have a seizure,” the operator mumbles under his breath.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks again.
“I’m smoking,” replied the same woman.
“Excuse me, but you know it’s a crime for prank calls like this, right? Please contact an expert if you have problems with any smoking issues,” he hangs up the phone.
It rings again, with the same number.
The operator, clearly infuriated, picks up the phone, “YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL THIS NUMBER IF YOU DON’T HAVE AN EMERGENCY!”
Woman: “Sorry, but...”
Operator: “NO BUTS! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SMOKING, PLEASE CONTACT AN EXPERT! DO YOU HAVE AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY?!”
“Yes, I do.”
“What is it, then?!”
“I’m on fire.”
😄 😄 😄
An orchestra conductor calls 911, “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”
The 911 operator says, “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”
😄 😄 😄
One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home, he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice, he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs, he looked back and shouted, “I thought you’d be tougher than that, Batman!”
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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, “You’re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before it’s too late!”
The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later, a loud crash is heard.
One of the nuns thoughtfully says, “Sister, shall we just write ‘Attention, the bridge is demolished’?”
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So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.
He’s laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.
Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.
“Who are you?” the guy asks.
“I’m your hip replacement.”
😄 😄 😄
Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.
The landlady said to me, “We charge twenty pounds a night—bed and breakfast—or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.”
“Oh, all right,” I said, “I’ll make the bed.”
And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve seen a meteor shower...
But never seen a meteor take a bath.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
She still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.
😄 😄 😄
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
😄 😄 😄
Today I donated a watch, a phone and $500 to a poor guy.
You can’t know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.
😄 😄 😄
The 5 secrets to happiness for men:
1. Find a woman who can make you laugh.
2. Find a woman who can cook.
3. Find a woman who really listens to you.
4. Find a woman who is great in bed.
5. Make sure these 4 women don’t find out about each other.
😄 😄 😄
I was stuck in traffic outside Washington, DC this morning. No one was moving at all.
Then this guy knocked on my window.
I rolled it down and said, “What’s happening?”
He said, “Terrorists have taken the entire US Congress hostage, and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if they’re not paid a 100 million dollar ransom. We’re going from car to car collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving?” I asked.
He said, “About a gallon.”
😄 😄 😄
I got pulled over by a traffic cop.
He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“I’m sick and tired of my wife blowing everything out of proportion,” he complains to the bartender. “She’s single-handedly ruining my balloon animal business.”
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?
You can’t take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!
😄 😄 😄
My brother just broke the record by downing 22 jets.
He’ll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Air Force.
😄 😄 😄
My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
We still don’t know to whom that leg belonged.
😄 😄 😄
The policeman told me he was chasing a man with one leg.
I told him to use both, he would get him faster.
😄 😄 😄
I saw a one-legged man with no arms at the ATM today. He asked me to help him check his balance.
So I pushed the guy over.
😄 😄 😄
An English teacher was getting late for school on Teachers’ Day.
Suddenly, a cop pulled him over and asked for papers.
He gladly gave him all of his students’ essays to grade and drove off.
😄 😄 😄
