Enjoy our team's carefully selected Dad Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
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Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
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Do you know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
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I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
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Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn’t handle the bars.
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Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
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What does Muslim Sonic say when Ramadan begins?
“Gotta go fast!”
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Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?
They fast during Ramadan.
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Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave?
He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
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Why don’t women in Arabic countries need car insurance?
Because they are already covered.
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How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
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Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service.
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Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand. Stop, drop, and roll.
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What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
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Where do bowlers go when they need a new team shirt?
New Jersey.
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What excuse did the bowler give when he was accused of stealing?
“I was framed!”
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Bowlers do not make good employees.
This is because 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
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What did the plumber call his restroom?
A home office.
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The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy.
So it’s italicized!
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Why don’t they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
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On our hike yesterday, my partner wouldn’t let me take home any volcanic rocks.
And to be honest, I’m still a little basalty over it.
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Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike.
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Why did the eyeglasses walk into the classroom quietly?
They didn’t want to make a spectacle.
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I had to give up my glasses after they started causing more drama than a pair of celebrity spectacles.
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I broke my glasses and couldn’t see anything.
But then I realized it was just a broken spectacle illusion.
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The glasses on the table were feeling neglected, so I gave them a spectacle of attention.
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I didn’t wear my glasses to the party because I wanted to make a spectacle of myself.
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Why was the glasses so expensive?
Because they were designer spectacles.
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My father quietly retired from his job as an eyeglass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
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The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
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Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
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A physics student asks his teacher, “Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?”
The teacher answers, “Let me see if I can pull some strings for you.”
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The crosseyed history teacher could not control her pupils.
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Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn’t getting any hits.
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After Jesus’s trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
“I don’t know. I’ll keep you posted.”
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What’s one thing that you’ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
You’ll both be filled with stuffing.
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What’s something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?
A family member giving you the bird.
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Where did the Pilgrims stand after landing on Plymouth Rock?
On their feet.
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Don’t ever attend Thanksgiving with a group of comedians.
They’ll never stop roasting the turkey.
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The EU was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner.
But they refused to have turkey.
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My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.
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Every year, after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits.
I can do it because I have lots of cold turkey.
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Did you know that they don’t serve Thanksgiving leftovers at rehab?
People there are trying to quit cold turkey.
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What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
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Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
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What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
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What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot.
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In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated?
Turkey.
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At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
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What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
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Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed.
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What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G.
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What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?
Plump kin.
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Why wasn’t the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing.
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How would Ariana Grande break up with her boyfriend on Thanksgiving?
“Thank you, next.”
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Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, “If your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”
Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.
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Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight?
They beat the stuffing outta each other.
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A girlfriend said to his boyfriend, “We need a gravy boat because we’re hosting Thanksgiving this year.”
The boyfriend replied, “In that case, we should get some gravy life jackets too.”
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Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer?
Because he had the drumsticks!
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Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey that tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
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What is a bad bowler’s favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving because they finally get a turkey.
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When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In a dictionary.
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What if the Indians would have given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey?
We’d all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.
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Did you hear about the guy who checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving?
He couldn’t quit cold turkey.
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Did you know that some say their favorite Thanksgiving food is pie?
It’s irrational.
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Why don’t the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?
Because they don’t like Turkey.
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Remember the guy who used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers?
He had to quit cold turkey.
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What can never be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
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A poet writes in verse.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
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I’m a poet and I know it.
“I dug,
You dug,
He dug,
She dug,
We all dug!”
It’s not a great poem, but it’s deep.
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Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question:
“Guess who I ran into?”
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I used to own a raven. It could speak English.
But the only word it could speak was “car”.
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If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
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Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
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Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
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How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
An itsy bitsy book.
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Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn’t speak English.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you’re not allowed to end a sentence with a preposition.
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What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
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April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?
The silly goose!
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What is a prankster’s favorite toy?
Silly String.
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Why does Batman hate April Fools’ Day?
Because the Joker might be out!
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Why do scientists suck at pulling pranks on April 1st?
They lack the element of surprise.
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What do you call the people born in April who aren’t particularly intelligent?
April fools.
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What did the first person to get April fooled say?
“Jesus! I thought you were dead!”
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I ordered that new auto part for you.
It’s Honda way.
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What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?
Automobile.
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What would you call Israel if it disappeared away?
Wasreal.
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Picked up a set of 20 Disney shorts on vinyl for only $30.
To be honest, though, I think they’d chafe less in cotton.
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Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?
Because otherwise, they’d be boxers.
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What’s the similarity between a fresh pair of shorts and a Bugatti bought by a shady businessman?
Both were laundered.
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The barman in the pub looked over at me and said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?”
“Why would I want two empty glasses?” I asked.
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Did you hear about the world crossword puzzle champion who died?
He was buried six feet down and three feet across.
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How is the solution to the toilet paper shortage the same as the solution to a crossword puzzle?
One square at a time.
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Why was the poet teaching at a prison so happy?
She had a captive audience.
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I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.
I just really feel the words a lot more.
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Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
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I’m reading a romance book in Braille. I don’t think I’ll finish.
It’s too touchy-feely for me.
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Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
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What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Ouch!
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What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
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What’s the worst part about going to the doctor and being diagnosed with diabetes?
You don’t get a lollipop afterward.
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Why do diabetics always have nightmares?
They can’t have sweet dreams.
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What did Santa get the day after Christmas?
Diabetes.
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How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?
Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.
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What was the trickiest question on a diabetes website?
It asked if I would accept cookies.
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Why can’t diabetics have vengeance?
Because vengeance is sweet.
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How does a broken ankle apologize?
“I’m sorry for being such a stumbling block.”
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What did one broken ankle say to the other?
“Let’s stay positive and get back on our feet!”
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Why did the broken leg go to school?
It wanted to learn how to breakdance.
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Why did Taylor Swift bring a broken leg to her concert?
Because it wanted to experience firsthand the “break-up” songs she’s famous for.
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I asked a window cleaner if he liked his job.
He said he could see himself doing windows every day.
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If you were to clean a vacuum, would you be a vacuum cleaner?
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When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?
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What do you call a dumb carnivore?
A meathead.
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I have a joke about the flu...
But I hope you don’t get it.
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Why did the flu virus go to the theater?
It heard the play was infectious.
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Why don’t flu viruses use social media?
They prefer going viral in person.
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Why did the influenza virus break up with its girlfriend?
She was too cold to him.
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As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.
But let me give it a shot.
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Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?
Apparently he got it from a cardinal.
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I can’t imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
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What is an Indian’s favorite place to be?
Indiana.
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What do Indians, Pilgrims, and Puritans have in common?
The letter ‘I’.
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What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape.
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911 operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: “Hi, I need to report a kidnapping. My son is taking a nap in my room right now.”
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What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?
“911 is an inside job.”
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I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
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A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
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Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
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I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine.
I’m under a lot of pressure.
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I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn’t go down so well.
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Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
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How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep.
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Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It’s the depth charges.
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What color are military submarines?
Deep navy.
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Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
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How did the roofing company become so successful?
They nailed it.
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I took a roofing class in college.
But all the content went right over my head.
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My roofing business is having a great promotion right now.
If you buy one roof, the next one is on the house.
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I almost called 911 when an armed man came into my restaurant.
But he assured me he didn’t want any beef.
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When he was ten years old Warren Buffett called 911 to report a car had been in an accident near his local grocery store.
It was his first experience with a market crash.
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Why won’t my motorbike run?
Because it’s two tired.
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Why did the nun become an archaeologist?
She had a knack for digging up old habits.
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Why do nuns always wear black and white?
No particular reason, it’s just a habit they have.
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Why does it take so long for a nun to get her clothes?
It takes 21 days to make a habit.
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What do you call a nun with a drinking problem?
A bad habit.
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I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.
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I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.
She had a nasty habit.
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Why was the burger sad?
Because he had the blue cheese.
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When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
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Why was red in awe of orange?
Because orange blue green.
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Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah, it blue up.
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My sister was diagnosed as color-blind.
The revelation really came out of the blue.
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I read a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
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Blue jeans are immortal.
They never die, they just fade away.
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I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy.
Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
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I was under the blues.
So I had to blue my nose occasionally.
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What do you call cheese that is sad?
Blue cheese.
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Once I tried to paint the sky, but I blue it.
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It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo.
They get really blue.
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What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale.
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Red ship hits blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
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What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
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What is red, white, and blue?
A sad candy cane.
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What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay.
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I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.
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We’re feeling so blue.
We used to be the Blue Man Group.
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I went to a party in blue shoes.
But everyone said it was a blue-sy idea.
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The blue cheese thought he was the king.
But he was just a cheesy guy.
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She’s feeling so blue.
She might as well be called the ocean.
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Did you hear about the sky that fell?
It turned the whole world blue.
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Why do blue people make bad singers?
They’re always feeling blue.
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I saw a blue horse the other day.
I guess you could say it was a rare-colored mare.
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Why did the blue paint cross the road?
To get to the other hue.
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Did you hear about the blue pencil who broke up with his girlfriend?
He decided to draw the line.
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I’m feeling blue today, so I decided to paint my room blue.
I guess you could say it’s a shade of blue situation.
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The baby blue eyes were coldly warm.
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The sky was a cheerful shade of melancholy blue.
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His true blue loyalty was betrayed by his green envy.
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His blue humor was laughably depressing.
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I heard about a blue whale who was feeling down.
It was a huge ordeal.
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I asked my friend what he was doing to stay happy in his job.
And he said he was always searching for blue skies.
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I was feeling blue once, so I went outside to walk it off.
Instead, I got struck by blue lightning.
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My boss told me that work might be a little blue today.
But I didn’t know that meant the copiers were taking the day off.
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I heard about a blue tick hound who was feeling down.
His bark was way worse than his bite.
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People always ask why I’m feeling blue.
I just tell them I’m still waiting for my prince charming to come riding in on a blue motorbike.
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My coworker said that being blue is in his blood.
I asked him if he had been bitten by a smurf.
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My friend said he was going to start a feeling-blue club, but I declined.
I’m more of an upbeat kind of person.
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I told my boss I was feeling blue, so he painted my office the color of the ocean. Now I’m working in a sea of tranquility.
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The party was a blue-ribbon event.
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Why do blueberries make bad employees?
They always end up getting the blues.
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Why did the blue-faced man get lost?
He was feeling blue and couldn’t find his way.
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What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?
“Hey, pal, want to blue me away?”
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Why did the Smurfs kick Papa Smurf out of their village?
He was giving them all the blues.
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I hate it when my blue jeans fade.
They’re not feeling so blue anymore.
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Did you hear about the sad blueberry?
It was feeling blue.
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Did you hear about the blue alien that landed on Earth?
He had an out of this world.
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What did the blue paint say to the red paint when they met?
“You’re looking rosy!”
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What’s a blue shoe?
A shoe with the blues.
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What did one blue eye say to the other?
Between us, something smells.
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What did the blue paint brush say to the red paint brush?
“I blue you away.”
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Why did the blue-colored fruit hide?
It was feeling blue.
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What’s a sad shade of blue?
Bereaved.
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What do you call a sad little blue planet?
A gloom.
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Did you hear about the blue man who walked into a bar?
He was feeling quite cyan.
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Why was the blue mold fired from the cheese factory?
Because it was too blue.
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What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
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Why did the police officers arrest the blue crayon?
Because it was in the blue.
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What did the blue tie say to the little red dress?
“You go ahead, I’ll just hang around.”
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Why don’t sharks like to eat blue whales?
Because they’re all blubber and no beef.
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She nailed the surgery.
But she’s still having a few screws loose.
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Why was the hip bone so calm during surgery?
Because it knew everything would be alright.
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When the rapper needed surgery, he got a hip-hop replacement.
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What’s a hipster’s favorite type of surgery?
A hip replacement.
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What’s a hip replacement’s favorite type of music?
Hip-hop.
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How does a hip replacement like to relax?
By taking a joint vacation.
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Why did the hip surgery patient bring a suit to the hospital?
Because he wanted to be hip and dapper during recovery.
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What did one hip replacement say to the other?
“You crack me up!”
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A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me.
Critics are saying it’s the new hip place to be.
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My grandma got a hip replacement.
My new grandma is a 24-year-old barista and an aspiring artist.
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How does Uranus stay clean?
It takes meteor showers.
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Why was Uranus sad at the solar system party?
It felt left out of the loop.
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Ever heard of the planet party?
Uranus was the star, always the center of attraction.
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I met a comedian who specializes in Uranus jokes.
Suffice to say, their humor was out of this world.
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I asked Uranus if it knows any good planet jokes.
It replied, “Sorry, they’re just not my atmosphere.”
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Why did the planet Uranus join a band?
It wanted to planet self in rhythm.
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Uranus’ puns are my favorite kind of humor.
They’re truly universal.
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I’m never afraid to make a Uranus pun.
They’re always out of this world.
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I’m not afraid to crack a joke about Uranus.
It’s a gas!
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What did Uranus say to its moon?
“You have the right to remain in orbit, anything you say will be taken out of context!”
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What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?
Space Opera.
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What did the other planets say to Uranus when it was feeling sad?
“Cheer up, life’s just a gas!”
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Why did Uranus become a rock star?
Because it’s always surrounded by gas.
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Why is Uranus so good at baseball?
Because it has a great orbit!
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What did Uranus say to Earth?
“You’re always following me around. Give me some space!”
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Why did Uranus go on a diet?
Because it wanted to be a little lighter and have that celestial glow!
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Uranus has a real flair for fashion.
It always rocks the planet look!
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You’ll never hear Uranus complain.
Because it’s got a good atmosphere about it.
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My teacher told me I couldn’t make a joke about Uranus in class.
But hey, it’s my orbit!
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When Uranus threw a party, everyone was over the moon!
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I tried to tell a joke about Uranus.
But I couldn’t planet right.
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Did you hear about the comedy show on Uranus?
It was a real gas, but not everyone understood the humor.
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If Uranus was a comedian, it would always crack jokes with a little bit of gas.
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Did you hear about the astronomy professor who was always talking about Uranus?
He was kind of a space case.
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Why did the astronaut bring a joke book to Uranus?
To break the space ice.
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What did the comet say when it visited Uranus?
“This place is a gas!”
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Why did the meteor break up with Uranus?
It felt like it was crashing and burning.
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Why did the astronaut challenge Uranus to a staring contest?
It wanted to see who had the most gravity.
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Why did the alien bring a gift to Uranus?
It wanted to show its appreciation for the atmosphere.
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Why did the asteroid start a podcast with Uranus?
They wanted to rock the airwaves.
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Why did the moon break up with Uranus?
It wanted someone with a brighter personality.
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Why did the astronaut bring a ladder to Uranus?
To reach for the stars.
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What did the comet say to Uranus?
“You’re out of this world!”
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Why did the astronaut go to therapy with Uranus?
It had too many emotional craters.
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Why is Uranus always invited to parties?
It knows how to break the ice.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite accessory?
A gas mask.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of humor?
Dark matter jokes.
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How does Uranus apologize?
It says “I’m sorry, I need some space”.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite party trick?
Its gas giant dance moves.
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What happens when a waffle gets mad?
It flips.
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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
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Why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg cracked a yolk!
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What do authors eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns.
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What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
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What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner!
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Artists know how to draw the line, so you can’t really peer pressure them.
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The artist was great.
He could always draw a crowd.
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A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
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My family is all worried about my addiction to dot puzzles.
It’s OK though... I know where to draw the line.
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How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
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I’ve seen a meteor shower...
But never seen a meteor take a bath.
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Why should you take a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains.
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What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
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Why do pencils shave?
To look sharp.
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This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
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What is the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.
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What’s the definition of Specimen?
An Italian astronaut.
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What is the definition of laziness?
The art of taking rest before getting tired. Because prevention is better than cure.
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What’s the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
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I’d like to thank everyone who taught me the definition of ‘many’.
It really means a lot.
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Had an encounter with a dyslexic witch.
I am safe because she couldn’t spell.
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Why did the registered nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?
Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.
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Which actor is now being quarantined for swine flu?
Kevin Bacon.
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Why did the pig visit the physical therapist’s clinic?
It pulled a hamstring.
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“Have you seen our toilet roll?” asked my wife.
“Don’t be silly,” I replied. “A toilet is a stationary object.”
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Did you hear about the flat Earther who got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove all wrong?
He’ll come around eventually.
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What did a brick say to a wall?
“I’ve got your back!”
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Concrete and steel had a debate.
It was a hard conversation.
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A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?”
I replied, “Kindergarten.”
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My ex told me her spiritual animal was the tiger.
But it turned out it was the cheetah.
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In France, they don’t say “I love you”.
Because they don’t speak English there.
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One day, both the elephant and the ant are going to movie on a bike. They met with an accident.
The ant died in the accident, but the elephant was safe. How?
Because the elephant was wearing helmet.
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Why can you trust your friends more after turning 50?
Because you can’t even remember each other’s names, let alone your deepest secrets!
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How do you know the Fourth of July is an American holiday?
Because everybody says “Stay Safe”.
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What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?
The wrong firework.
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What does Dr. Frankenstein call the cemetery?
Human Resources.
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Why do Polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can’t spell toboggan.
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I had to call an electrician out today after getting my finger stuck in the socket while trying to plug in my iPhone.
I can’t believe how much I was charged.
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An electric company is always looking for high-energy employees.
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People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
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I ate a cactus today...
It had a sharp taste.
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I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
It’s my jingle bell rock.
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Did you know that porcupines are one of the smartest animals on Earth?
Yeah, that’s right, science has proven them to be pretty sharp.
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Where is the flu most common?
In cities with high levels of congestion.
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Wife said, “Looks like it’s going to be chilly again tonight.”
I said, “No, that’s nachos.”
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I hate those people who knock on your door and say “You need to get ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn’”.
Stupid firemen.
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What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
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I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today.
The box said “WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken”.
I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box...
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How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
If it’s a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
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Why hasn’t anyone ever seen ghost poop?
Because it’s invisible.
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What is a vampire’s worst fear?
Tooth decay.
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Why is the woman afraid of the vampire?
Because he is all bite and no bark.
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What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
They gave him the cold shoulder.
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Why do ghosts make the best cheerleaders?
Because they have spirit.
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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
Because they just had their brains scooped out!
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Why didn’t the zombie go to school?
He felt rotten!
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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The skeleton didn’t mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
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What did one ghost say to the other?
Get a life!
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What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day?
Lazy bones.
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Why don’t people like Dracula?
He’s a pain in the neck.
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Why did the skeleton run away?
Because a dog was after his bones.
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What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. It’s good for business.
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What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
Do you believe in people?
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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?
Gutted.
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What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?
“Are you feeling ill?”
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In baseball, Spider-Man likes the outfield because in that position he catches the most flies.
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Which is faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.
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Why do bananas use sunscreen?
So they don’t peel.
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Why don’t mummies ever take a summer vacation?
They’re afraid to unwind.
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What do you call a snowman in summer?
A puddle.
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Why did the robot go on vacation?
He needed to recharge his batteries.
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Why doesn’t summer have any friends?
Because it’s not cool enough.
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What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?
A watermelon.
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What do snowmen do in summer?
Chillout.
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What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?
Reapply.
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Guess what horses, donkeys, cows, goats, and sheep all have in common?
They’re all very stable animals.
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Is it proper to eat donuts with your fingers?
No, fingers should be eaten separately!
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What does nitrogen become when the sun comes up?
Daytrogen.
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Son: “Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: “No sun.”
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Friend 1: “My dog rolled around in the mud all day. How does he smell?”
Friend 2: “Like dirt?”
Friend 1: “Nope, with his nose.”
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If my nose runs, should I catch it?
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What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose.
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The thing people overlook most of the time is their noses.
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I was sick and told my mom I had a runny nose.
She told me, “You should tell it to walk instead.”
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The nose was very tired because it kept running.
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My mom got the flu.
She said that it was like her nose went on strike.
I suggested, “You should picket.”
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Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.
He just replied, “That’s because I use both my nostrils.”
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My poor dog doesn’t have a big nose.
That makes him smell terrible.
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What sort of racehorses come out after dark?
Night-mares.
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What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”
Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”
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Little Johnny yells upstairs: “Dad, there’s a salesman here with a mustache.”
“Tell him I’ve got one.”
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What’s brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
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Why don’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
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What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?
Become an umpire.
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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
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“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
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Teacher: “Take a seat”.
Student: “Where do you want me to take it to?”
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What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
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Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in class?
Because the class was so bright!
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A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.
She must be exhausted.
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Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!
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My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldn’t fix.
I suggested, “Break its legs.”
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The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.
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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.
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What do you do when you break your leg in two places?
Quit going to those two places!
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Why shouldn’t you pick a green alien for your baseball team?
They’re not ripe yet.
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Customer: “Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny.”
Waiter: “Then why aren’t you laughing?”
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What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?
Mario Sunburnt!
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What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?
Turn into bacon.
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Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
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Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it!
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What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.
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Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey—he’s always stuffed.
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What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?
Santa walking backwards!
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Can a dog jump higher than a house?
Well, duh. Houses can’t jump.
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