Enjoy our team's carefully selected Corny Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What is a tree’s least favorite month?
Sep-timber.
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What do you call a slow learner born at the beginning of August?
A leotard.
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Never go on a date with a cactus.
They’ll spike your drink.
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I had some really terrible Arabic food today.
I tell ya, it was fal-awful!
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Why are Saudi Arabians clueless?
Because they live under Iraq.
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Where do bad beavers go?
They’re dammed to hell.
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A blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him.
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Why did the Spanish Inquisition yank out people’s molars?
Because they wanted the tooth, the whole truth, so help them God.
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What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
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Did you hear about the Spanish woman who is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
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Why was Portugal the best colonial power?
Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.
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If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it?
Raisin hell!
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What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
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What do you call a person from Portugal?
Portuguese.
What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?
Portugeezer.
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What do you call an extraterrestrial that speaks Portuguese?
A Brazalien.
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What’s a toilet on a Portuguese jetty called?
A porto potty.
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The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad.
It was tearable.
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When the history teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said:
“Need Tudoring?”
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What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
“Quack! Quack!”
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A guy ate only metal bars for Thanksgiving.
He was gratefull.
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What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
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Why are the cranberries red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
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What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?
Grave-y!
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Why are musical comedians never allowed to cook dinner during Thanksgiving?
Because they always burnham.
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Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey that tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
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How are wives like Thanksgiving turkeys?
They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.
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What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?
We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.
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Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
“To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”
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What does vikings call English villages?
Chopping centers.
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Did you hear about the guy that washed his shorts with change in it?
He was arrested for money laundrying.
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If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?
Depends.
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Why do so many people like to do word puzzles in the bathroom?
Because it’s the best place for a vowel movement.
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Recently, I’ve started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.
It’s a tough job, but I enjoy it.
It really has its prose and cons.
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What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
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Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?
Because he was a neck-romancer.
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You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers.
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What is a carnivore’s favorite bumper sticker for their car?
“I love animals. They taste great.”
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Vegan: “People who sell meat are gross!”
Non-vegetarian: “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
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When my mother died, all my father said was “cough, fatigue, fever”.
He’s a man of flu words.
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As an MD, I gave my mother’s sister a flu shot.
Does that make me an auntie-vaxxer?
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What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
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What do you get when you cross a blue jay with a parrot?
A bird with no identity.
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While I was drunk last night, I was apparently accused of witchcraft.
The next day, I was hung over.
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What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?
Phil Ming.
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What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
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I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining.
He just couldn’t find a role he could sink his teeth into.
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Why can’t you trust acupuncture specialists?
They’ll always stab you in the back.
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Why do violists stand for long periods outside people’s houses?
They can’t find the key, and they don’t know when to come in.
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Why was the toilet paper in detention?
It was unraveling all the time!
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
He wanted to get to the bottom.
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I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I’m paying for it.
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What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
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A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.
The police still can’t see the full picture.
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What if a buffalo and baboon mated?
Their child would be a real buffoon.
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Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
But they needed to sea mine.
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Terrorists in Baghdad recently blew up a drainage system.
Police there are calling it a sewer-side bombing.
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What’s a terrorist’s favorite day in November?
Bomb fire night.
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Two otters are going on a journey in a van. Who is driving?
Animal control.
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What’s the difference between a doctor and an architect?
An architect’s mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.
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Why do Troy State students have such beautiful noses?
They’re hand picked.
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Why do ducks fly over Alabama upside down?
There’s nothing worth craping on.
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What do you say to an aborigine bloke from Australia who worked in I.T.?
“Do you come from a LAN down under?”
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What do you call an aboriginal in a lamp?
An abori-genie.
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What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?
Lucky.
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What does a one-legged man call karate?
Partial Arts.
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What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Tai Wan Shu.
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My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.
She’s in charge of the hops.
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What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve?
Social Security.
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What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve?
The ice falls out of your drinks!
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An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year’s Eve.
One was charged and the other was let off.
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I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisl?”
I laughed right in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
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How are peanut butter and jelly related?
They’re inbred.
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After the 4th of July fireworks caused finger injuries, what did the friends say?
Nothing, they couldn’t count on me.
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What’s the most common disease in HR departments?
Staff infections.
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I got the book “Internet Forums for Dummies” from a friend.
But I need to take it back, because I already Reddit.
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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?
Because it was making him Moody.
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What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?
A Volt-demort.
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What do you call a pig stuck in a cactus?
A porcupine.
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What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom!
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I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...
Other than jumping to conclusions.
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How does a demon workout?
He exorcises.
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What is the proper way to use a stress ball at work?
To throw it at the last person that upset you. Instant de-stress.
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Why is teamwork important?
It helps to put the blame on someone else!
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Why doesn’t Superman need a boss?
He already has supervision.
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What is the best way to criticize your boss?
Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.
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What do you call a retired old cowboy?
De-ranged.
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How did the cowboy save so much money?
His horse gave him a couple of bucks every day.
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Why did everybody think the cowboy was so funny?
Because he was always horsing around.
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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
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What’s the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
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Why do retirees smile all the time?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
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Why was the jack-o’-lantern afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts.
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Why do cemeteries contain the best stories?
Because they have so many plots.
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What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
He got repossessed.
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What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?
A pumpkin patch.
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What is the witch’s favorite crime show?
America’s Most Haunted.
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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
Because they just had their brains scooped out!
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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?
Gutted.
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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
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My pharmacist recently lost his arm.
Now I call him my “phacist”.
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What did the constipated hot dog say?
Muuussttuurrrdd!!
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Marriage is an institution of three rings:
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
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What to give a man who’s got everything?
A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.
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Why did Spider-Man flush the toilet?
Because it was his duty!
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I recently heard that Turkeys aren’t allowed to play baseball.
No matter how many times they hit, they’ll always hit fowl balls.
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Why is everyone on Mars considered a communist?
Because they live on the red planet.
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Why is it most dangerous to go near Mercury?
Because one might die of mercury poisoning.
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Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?
He was caught taking asteroids.
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What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?
Existential dreads!
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What’s the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?
It is possible that UFOs exist.
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What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.
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What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?
E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.
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Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.
I hate Bounty Hunters.
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What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
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You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?
Diabetes.
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What do neckbeards put on their pancakes?
M’lasses.
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Why did the man intentionally get kicked in the face by a horse?
He wanted a horseshoe mustache.
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Where are bearded prisoners sent?
The Gilette-ine.
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I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...
The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.
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Mooning is very ASStrological.
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Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
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I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...
I’ve been banned for life from that shop.
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
Donuts.
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What do you call a kilogram of donuts?
Property of obesity.
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What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?
Jail-y Donuts.
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My kids are the sunshine of my life.
Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.
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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?
Rename Uranus to Ouranus.
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Elon’s opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...
Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!
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NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...
They found it to be a poophole.
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Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system.
Uranus is between them.
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Why do lemons use sun tan lotion?
Because if they don’t they’ll peel!
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Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
“Let’s have another round, shall we?”
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The moon asked the sun, “Buddy, when you are so hot, why are you single yet?”
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What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?
Done!
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What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?
Basqueing.
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What is another fancy name for a sun fart?
A solar flare.
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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?
An Apocaclipse.
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Bread is like the Sun:
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
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Are you from Paris?
Because Eiffel for you.
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What do love and fatty foods have in common?
They both go straight for your heart!
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What did the serial killer give his lover for Valentine’s day?
His heart! (Well, not his.)
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What did the butcher say to his girlfriend on their first date?
“Nice to meat you.”
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My girlfriend just broke up with me over video games...
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
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Feel my shirt.
It’s boyfriend material.
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You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friends’ noses.
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I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?
Ugly.
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One eye told the other, “Between you and me, something smells.”
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What’s the best thing about being an anteater?
You’re born with a built-in straw!
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Why are elephant’s noses so big?
So they can scratch their bums!
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My stomach doesn’t tolerate mushrooms.
They really give me a shii-take.
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What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
The ambulance.
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Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?
He was sick of all its shii-take.
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Why is Donald Trump so good at the racetrack?
He’s a stable genius.
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You know why barrel racers need to be cremated?
Because if you bury them they’ll bitch about the dirt.
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Which side of a racehorse has more hair?
The outside.
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Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?
“Mensch on a bench”.
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What is green, white, and red all over?
An elf with a sunburn.
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What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?
Stop touching my buns!
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How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?
He ate him on Sunday night!
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An honest lawyer, a happy Santa and a merry elf find 100 $. How do they split it?
50 dollars to Santa, 50 dollars to the elf, because there is no such thing as an honest lawyer!
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What’s black and white and green in the middle?
Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.
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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
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My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
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My friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead.”
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The worst part about being a giraffe...
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
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What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
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What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A six-foot toothbrush.
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You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe beside you, and you’re being chased by a lion. What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel!
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What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?
Become an umpire.
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If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?
Diabetes.
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Why did the pirate cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
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Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him!
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What do a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.
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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?
Smurf poop.
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Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
They can’t find the zipper.
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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, “GIVE US YER LOOT”?
They were both blonds.
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I burned 2000 calories today.
I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
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What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
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Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?
Because school is only 6 hours a day!
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Why did the student eat his homework?
Because he didn’t have a dog.
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What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Start off with a big fortune!
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I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
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How do we know the IRS likes poor people?
Because they appear to create so many of them.
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Ever wonder why it’s called a Form 1040?
For every $50 you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.
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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.
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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
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Why do brides cry at the wedding?
Because they never marry the best man.
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Why do women like men with beards?
Because they immediately see something that they can change!
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Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
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I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.
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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.
She used to say “You shall not pass!”
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How do you make a small fortune out of horses?
Start with a large fortune.
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What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?
No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!
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What do you call a man who falls overboard and can’t swim?
Bob.
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What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?
Frank.
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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?
Phil.
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What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?
Eve.
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What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?
Lou.
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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
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What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?
Rob.
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Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?
Between you and I, something smells.
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I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?
Getting a scare-cut!
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Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?
None – they gave up.
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!
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Why was the man with the big nose sad?
He could really smell his feet!
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What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?
Birds are always perching on it!
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What’s worse than having a big nose?
Having a big nose and tiny hands!
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Why do aliens not eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a shekel!
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Why are synagogues round?
So the Jews can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.
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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!
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How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
The players don’t yell “Fore!” they yell “$3.99!”.
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What’s a Jews favorite band?
Nickelback.
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In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
When it graduates from medical school.
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Why do Jews have big noses?
Because the air is free.
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How does every racist joke start?
By looking over your shoulder!
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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
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A skunk fell into the river and stank to the bottom.
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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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What do you have against some people?
Well… for example, knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenades…
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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
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“I wanna be the sun of your life!”
“Then stay at 1 000 000 km of me!”
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Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
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Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
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Yo mama’s so fat when she fell I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When you’re a mouse.
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Why don’t mummies have friends?
Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
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Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
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I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.
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Why does the programmer think the Grinch’s attitude isn’t bad?
He says it’s in beta.
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Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?
Because they can’t find the number eleven on their phone.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
You tell her a joke on Wednesday.
😄 😄 😄
Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
😄 😄 😄
Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?
They always forget to take off the candles.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!
😄 😄 😄
There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
😄 😄 😄
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
😄 😄 😄
