Corny Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Corny Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Corny Jokes


Never go on a date with a cactus.

They’ll spike your drink.

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I had some really terrible Arabic food today.

I tell ya, it was fal-awful!

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Why are Saudi Arabians clueless?

Because they live under Iraq.

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Where do bad beavers go?

They’re dammed to hell.

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A blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.

That was berry rude of him.

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Why did the Spanish Inquisition yank out people’s molars?

Because they wanted the tooth, the whole truth, so help them God.

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What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?

Quatro sinko.

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Did you hear about the Spanish woman who is now a man?

He’s called Senor Rita.

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Why was Portugal the best colonial power?

Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.

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If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it?

Raisin hell!

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What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?

Must-turd.

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What do you call a person from Portugal?

Portuguese.

What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?

Portugeezer.

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What do you call an extraterrestrial that speaks Portuguese?

A Brazalien.

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What’s a toilet on a Portuguese jetty called?

A porto potty.

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The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad.

It was tearable.

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When the history teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said:

β€œNeed Tudoring?”

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What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?

β€œQuack! Quack!”

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A guy ate only metal bars for Thanksgiving.

He was gratefull.

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What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?

Lucky.

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Why are the cranberries red?

They saw the turkey dressing!

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What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?

Grave-y!

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Why are musical comedians never allowed to cook dinner during Thanksgiving?

Because they always burnham.

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Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey that tried to escape the roasting pan?

He was foiled.

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How are wives like Thanksgiving turkeys?

They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

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What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?

We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.

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Why are hemorrhoids called β€œhemorrhoids” instead of β€œassteroids”?

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

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What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?

β€œTo be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”

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What does vikings call English villages?

Chopping centers.

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Did you hear about the guy that washed his shorts with change in it?

He was arrested for money laundrying.

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If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?

Depends.

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Why do so many people like to do word puzzles in the bathroom?

Because it’s the best place for a vowel movement.

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Recently, I’ve started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.

It’s a tough job, but I enjoy it.

It really has its prose and cons.

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What is a prize old people can win for aging?

Atrophy.

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Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer.

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You know why vampires can raise ghouls?

Because they are neck romancers.

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What is a carnivore’s favorite bumper sticker for their car?

β€œI love animals. They taste great.”

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Vegan: β€œPeople who sell meat are gross!”

Non-vegetarian: β€œPeople who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”

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When my mother died, all my father said was β€œcough, fatigue,Β fever”.

He’s a man of flu words.

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As an MD, I gave my mother’s sister a flu shot.

Does that make me an auntie-vaxxer?

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What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?

A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

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What do you get when you cross a blue jay with a parrot?

A bird with no identity.

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While I was drunk last night, I was apparently accused of witchcraft.

The next day, I was hung over.

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What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?

Phil Ming.

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What do zombie actors do before they perform?

They re-hearse.

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I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor.Β He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining.

He just couldn’t find a role he could sink his teeth into.

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Why can’t you trust acupuncture specialists?

They’ll always stab you in the back.

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Why do violists stand for long periods outside people’s houses?

They can’t find the key, and they don’t know when to come in.

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Why was the toilet paper in detention?

It was unraveling all the time!

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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

He wanted to get to the bottom.

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I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.

And now I’m paying for it.

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What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?

Cool jazz.

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A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.

The police still can’t see the full picture.

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What if a buffalo and baboon mated?

Their child would be a real buffoon.

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Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...

But they needed to sea mine.

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Terrorists in Baghdad recently blew up a drainage system.

Police there are calling it a sewer-side bombing.

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What’s a terrorist’s favorite day in November?

Bomb fire night.

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Two otters are going on a journey in a van. Who is driving?

Animal control.

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What’s the difference between a doctor and an architect?

An architect’s mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.

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Why do Troy State students have such beautiful noses?

They’re hand picked.

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Why do ducks fly over Alabama upside down?

There’s nothing worth craping on.

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What do you say to an aborigine bloke from Australia who worked in I.T.?

β€œDo you come from a LAN down under?”

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What do you call an aboriginal in a lamp?

An abori-genie.

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What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?

Lucky.

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What does a one-legged man call karate?

Partial Arts.

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What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?

Tai Wan Shu.

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My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.

She’s in charge of the hops.

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What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve?

Social Security.

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What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve?

The ice falls out of your drinks!

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An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year’s Eve.

One was charged and the other was let off.

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I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, β€œWindow or aisl?”

I laughed right in her face and replied, β€œWindow or you’ll what?”

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How are peanut butter and jelly related?

They’re inbred.

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After the 4th of July fireworks caused finger injuries, what did the friends say?

Nothing, they couldn’t count on me.

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What’s the most common disease in HR departments?

Staff infections.

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I got the book β€œInternet Forums for Dummies” from a friend.

But I need to take it back, because I already Reddit.

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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?

Because it was making him Moody.

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What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?

A Volt-demort.

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What do you call a pig stuck in a cactus?

A porcupine.

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What do you call a cow with three legs?

Tri-tip.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom!

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I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...

Other than jumping to conclusions.

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How does a demon workout?

He exorcises.

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What is the proper way to use a stress ball at work?

To throw it at the last person that upset you. Instant de-stress.

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Why is teamwork important?

It helps to put the blame on someone else!

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Why doesn’t Superman need a boss?

He already has supervision.

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What is the best way to criticize your boss?

Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.

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What do you call a retired old cowboy?

De-ranged.

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How did the cowboy save so much money?

His horse gave him a couple of bucks every day.

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Why did everybody think the cowboy was so funny?

Because he was always horsing around.

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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

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What’s the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

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Why do retirees smile all the time?

Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!

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Why was the jack-o’-lantern afraid to cross the road?

He had no guts.

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Why do cemeteries contain the best stories?

Because they have so many plots.

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What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?

He got repossessed.

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What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?

A pumpkin patch.

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What is the witch’s favorite crime show?

America’s Most Haunted.

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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?

Because they just had their brains scooped out!

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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?

Gutted.

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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?

Because they have no stomach for fighting.

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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?

Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.

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My pharmacist recently lost his arm.

Now I call him my β€œphacist”.

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What did the constipated hot dog say?

Muuussttuurrrdd!!

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Marriage is an institution of three rings:

engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

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What to give a man who’s got everything?

A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.

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Why did Spider-Man flush the toilet?

Because it was his duty!

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I recently heard that Turkeys aren’t allowed to play baseball.

No matter how many times they hit, they’ll always hit fowl balls.

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Why is everyone on Mars considered a communist?

Because they live on the red planet.

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Why is it most dangerous to go near Mercury?

Because one might die of mercury poisoning.

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Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?

He was caught taking asteroids.

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What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?

Existential dreads!

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What’s the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?

It is possible that UFOs exist.

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What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

There have been sightings of UFOs.

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What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.

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Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.

I hate Bounty Hunters.

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What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?

A Kitty Kat bar.

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You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?

Diabetes.

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What do neckbeards put on their pancakes?

M’lasses.

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Why did the man intentionally get kicked in the face by a horse?

He wanted a horseshoe mustache.

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Where are bearded prisoners sent?

The Gilette-ine.

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I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

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Mooning is very ASStrological.

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Why is the moon a wanted criminal?

It’s constantly mooning people.

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I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...

I’ve been banned for life from that shop.

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What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

Donuts.

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What do you call a kilogram of donuts?

Property of obesity.

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What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?

Jail-y Donuts.

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My kids are the sunshine of my life.

Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.

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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus.

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Elon’s opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...

Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!

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NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...

They found it to be a poophole.

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Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system.

Uranus is between them.

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Why do lemons use sun tan lotion?

Because if they don’t they’ll peel!

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Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:

β€œLet’s have another round, shall we?”

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The moon asked the sun, β€œBuddy, when you are so hot, why are you single yet?”

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What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?

Done!

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What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?

Basqueing.

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What is another fancy name for a sun fart?

A solar flare.

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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

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Bread is like the Sun:

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

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Are you from Paris?

Because Eiffel for you.

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What do love and fatty foods have in common?

They both go straight for your heart!

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What did the serial killer give his lover for Valentine’s day?

His heart! (Well, not his.)

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What did the butcher say to his girlfriend on their first date?

β€œNice to meat you.”

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My girlfriend just broke up with me over video games...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

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Feel my shirt.

It’s boyfriend material.

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Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?

It’s cool.

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How do you wish an ice cream a happy birthday?

β€œHope your birthday is gelato fun!”

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Why couldn’t the color blind man sell ice cream?

His cones don’t work.

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You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friends’ noses.

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I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?

Ugly.

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One eye told the other, β€œBetween you and me, something smells.”

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What’s the best thing about being an anteater?

You’re born with a built-in straw!

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Why are elephant’s noses so big?

So they can scratch their bums!

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How do you tell poisonous mushrooms apart from edible ones?

You give them to someone else to eat first.

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My stomach doesn’t tolerate mushrooms.

They really give me a shii-take.

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance.

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Where do mushrooms hang out on Saturday night?

The salad bar.

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Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?

He was sick of all its shii-take.

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Why is Donald Trump so good at the racetrack?

He’s a stable genius.

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You know why barrel racers need to be cremated?

Because if you bury them they’ll bitch about the dirt.

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Which side of a racehorse has more hair?

The outside.

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Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?

β€œMensch on a bench”.

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What is green, white, and red all over?

An elf with a sunburn.

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What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?

Stop touching my buns!

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How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?

He ate him on Sunday night!

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An honest lawyer, a happy Santa and a merry elf find 100 $. How do they split it?

50 dollars to Santa, 50 dollars to the elf, because there is no such thing as an honest lawyer!

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What’s black and white and green in the middle?

Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.

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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

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My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

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My friend keeps saying, β€œEvery time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, β€œTry ordering Tacos instead.”

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The worst part about being a giraffe...

Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

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What’s green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot.

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What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?

A six-foot toothbrush.

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You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe beside you, and you’re being chased by a lion. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel!

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What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?

Become an umpire.

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If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?

Diabetes.

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Why did the pirate cross the road?

To get to the second-hand shop.

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Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?

Right where ye left him!

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What do a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?

Smurf poop.

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Why don’t blondes eat bananas?

They can’t find the zipper.

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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, β€œGIVE US YER LOOT”?

They were both blonds.

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I burned 2000 calories today.

I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.

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What do your boss and a slinky have in common?

They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

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Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?

Because school is only 6 hours a day!

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Why did the student eat his homework?

Because he didn’t have a dog.

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What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?

Start off with a big fortune!

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I got a job at a paperless office.

Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.

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How do we know the IRS likes poor people?

Because they appear to create so many of them.

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Ever wonder why it’s called a Form 1040?

For every $50 you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.

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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?

Depreciation.

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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?

Lazy.

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Why do brides cry at the wedding?

Because they never marry the best man.

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Why do women like men with beards?

Because they immediately see something that they can change!

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Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?

Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.

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I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.

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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.

Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.

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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.

She used to say β€œYou shall not pass!”

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How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

Start with a large fortune.

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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

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What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?

No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!

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What do you call a man who falls overboard and can’t swim?

Bob.

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What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?

Frank.

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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?

Phil.

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What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?

Eve.

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What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?

Lou.

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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?

Neal.

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What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?

Chuck.

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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?

Rob.

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Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?

Between you and I, something smells.

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I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?

Getting a scare-cut!

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Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?

None – they gave up.

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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

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Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?

Because it might crack up!

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Why was the man with the big nose sad?

He could really smell his feet!

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What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?

Birds are always perching on it!

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What’s worse than having a big nose?

Having a big nose and tiny hands!

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Why do aliens not eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

Somebody dropped a shekel!

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Why are synagogues round?

So the Jews can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.

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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?

Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

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How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?

The players don’t yell β€œFore!” they yell β€œ$3.99!”.

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What’s a Jews favorite band?

Nickelback.

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In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?

When it graduates from medical school.

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Why do Jews have big noses?

Because the air is free.

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How does every racist joke start?

By looking over your shoulder!

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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

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A skunk fell into the river and stank to the bottom.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menuβ€”you get what you deserve.

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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

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What do you have against some people?

Well… for example, knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenades…

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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?

To get another rib.

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β€œI wanna be the sun of your life!”

β€œThen stay at 1 000 000 km of me!”

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Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

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Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?

He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

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Yo mama’s so fat when she fell I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you’re a mouse.

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Why don’t mummies have friends?

Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.

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Where should a 500-pound alien go?

On a diet.

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I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.

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Why does the programmer think the Grinch’s attitude isn’t bad?

He says it’s in beta.

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Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?

Because there was a KFC on the other side.

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Why don’t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they can’t find the number eleven on their phone.

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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

You tell her a joke on Wednesday.

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Forget about the past, you can’t change it.

Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.

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Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?

They always forget to take off the candles.

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What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

Oops!

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There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

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