Enjoy our team's carefully selected Corny Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Never go on a date with a cactus.
Theyβll spike your drink.
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I had some really terrible Arabic food today.
I tell ya, it was fal-awful!
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Why are Saudi Arabians clueless?
Because they live under Iraq.
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Where do bad beavers go?
Theyβre dammed to hell.
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A blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him.
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Why did the Spanish Inquisition yank out peopleβs molars?
Because they wanted the tooth, the whole truth, so help them God.
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What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
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Did you hear about the Spanish woman who is now a man?
Heβs called Senor Rita.
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Why was Portugal the best colonial power?
Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.
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If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it?
Raisin hell!
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What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
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What do you call a person from Portugal?
Portuguese.
What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?
Portugeezer.
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What do you call an extraterrestrial that speaks Portuguese?
A Brazalien.
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Whatβs a toilet on a Portuguese jetty called?
A porto potty.
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The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad.
It was tearable.
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When the history teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said:
βNeed Tudoring?β
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What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
βQuack! Quack!β
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A guy ate only metal bars for Thanksgiving.
He was gratefull.
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What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
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Why are the cranberries red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
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What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?
Grave-y!
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Why are musical comedians never allowed to cook dinner during Thanksgiving?
Because they always burnham.
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Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey that tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
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How are wives like Thanksgiving turkeys?
They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.
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Whatβs the difference between retail workers and turkeys?
We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.
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Why are hemorrhoids called βhemorrhoidsβ instead of βassteroidsβ?
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
βTo be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.β
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What does vikings call English villages?
Chopping centers.
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Did you hear about the guy that washed his shorts with change in it?
He was arrested for money laundrying.
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If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?
Depends.
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Why do so many people like to do word puzzles in the bathroom?
Because itβs the best place for a vowel movement.
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Recently, Iβve started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.
Itβs a tough job, but I enjoy it.
It really has its prose and cons.
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What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
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Why did the wizardβs wife have hickeys on her neck?
Because he was a neck-romancer.
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You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers.
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What is a carnivoreβs favorite bumper sticker for their car?
βI love animals. They taste great.β
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Vegan: βPeople who sell meat are gross!β
Non-vegetarian: βPeople who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.β
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When my mother died, all my father said was βcough, fatigue,Β feverβ.
Heβs a man of flu words.
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As an MD, I gave my motherβs sister a flu shot.
Does that make me an auntie-vaxxer?
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What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
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What do you get when you cross a blue jay with a parrot?
A bird with no identity.
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While I was drunk last night, I was apparently accused of witchcraft.
The next day, I was hung over.
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What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?
Phil Ming.
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What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
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I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor.Β He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining.
He just couldnβt find a role he could sink his teeth into.
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Why canβt you trust acupuncture specialists?
Theyβll always stab you in the back.
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Why do violists stand for long periods outside peopleβs houses?
They canβt find the key, and they donβt know when to come in.
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Why was the toilet paper in detention?
It was unraveling all the time!
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
He wanted to get to the bottom.
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I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now Iβm paying for it.
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What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
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A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.
The police still canβt see the full picture.
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What if a buffalo and baboon mated?
Their child would be a real buffoon.
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Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
But they needed to sea mine.
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Terrorists in Baghdad recently blew up a drainage system.
Police there are calling it a sewer-side bombing.
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Whatβs a terroristβs favorite day in November?
Bomb fire night.
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Two otters are going on a journey in a van. Who is driving?
Animal control.
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Whatβs the difference between a doctor and an architect?
An architectβs mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.
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Why do Troy State students have such beautiful noses?
Theyβre hand picked.
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Why do ducks fly over Alabama upside down?
Thereβs nothing worth craping on.
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What do you say to an aborigine bloke from Australia who worked in I.T.?
βDo you come from a LAN down under?β
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What do you call an aboriginal in a lamp?
An abori-genie.
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What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?
Lucky.
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What does a one-legged man call karate?
Partial Arts.
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What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Tai Wan Shu.
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My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.
Sheβs in charge of the hops.
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What do you call always wanting a date for New Yearβs Eve?
Social Security.
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Whatβs the problem with jogging on New Yearβs Eve?
The ice falls out of your drinks!
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An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Yearβs Eve.
One was charged and the other was let off.
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I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, βWindow or aisl?β
I laughed right in her face and replied, βWindow or youβll what?β
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How are peanut butter and jelly related?
Theyβre inbred.
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After the 4th of July fireworks caused finger injuries, what did the friends say?
Nothing, they couldnβt count on me.
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Whatβs the most common disease in HR departments?
Staff infections.
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I got the book βInternet Forums for Dummiesβ from a friend.
But I need to take it back, because I already Reddit.
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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?
Because it was making him Moody.
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What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?
A Volt-demort.
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What do you call a pig stuck in a cactus?
A porcupine.
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What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom!
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I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...
Other than jumping to conclusions.
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How does a demon workout?
He exorcises.
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What is the proper way to use a stress ball at work?
To throw it at the last person that upset you. Instant de-stress.
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Why is teamwork important?
It helps to put the blame on someone else!
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Why doesnβt Superman need a boss?
He already has supervision.
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What is the best way to criticize your boss?
Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.
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What do you call a retired old cowboy?
De-ranged.
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How did the cowboy save so much money?
His horse gave him a couple of bucks every day.
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Why did everybody think the cowboy was so funny?
Because he was always horsing around.
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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
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Whatβs the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs donβt turn into men when they drink.
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Why do retirees smile all the time?
Because they canβt hear a word youβre saying!
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Why was the jack-oβ-lantern afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts.
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Why do cemeteries contain the best stories?
Because they have so many plots.
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What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
He got repossessed.
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What should you give a pumpkin who canβt quit smoking?
A pumpkin patch.
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What is the witchβs favorite crime show?
Americaβs Most Haunted.
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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
Because they just had their brains scooped out!
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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?
Gutted.
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Why donβt pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
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My pharmacist recently lost his arm.
Now I call him my βphacistβ.
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What did the constipated hot dog say?
Muuussttuurrrdd!!
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Marriage is an institution of three rings:
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
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What to give a man whoβs got everything?
A woman. Sheβll tell him how everything works.
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Why did Spider-Man flush the toilet?
Because it was his duty!
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I recently heard that Turkeys arenβt allowed to play baseball.
No matter how many times they hit, theyβll always hit fowl balls.
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Why is everyone on Mars considered a communist?
Because they live on the red planet.
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Why is it most dangerous to go near Mercury?
Because one might die of mercury poisoning.
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Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?
He was caught taking asteroids.
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What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?
Existential dreads!
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Whatβs the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?
It is possible that UFOs exist.
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What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.
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Whatβs the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?
E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.
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Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.
I hate Bounty Hunters.
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What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
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You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?
Diabetes.
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What do neckbeards put on their pancakes?
Mβlasses.
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Why did the man intentionally get kicked in the face by a horse?
He wanted a horseshoe mustache.
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Where are bearded prisoners sent?
The Gilette-ine.
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I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...
The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.
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Mooning is very ASStrological.
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Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
Itβs constantly mooning people.
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I went to Dunkinβ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...
Iβve been banned for life from that shop.
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
Donuts.
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What do you call a kilogram of donuts?
Property of obesity.
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What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?
Jail-y Donuts.
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My kids are the sunshine of my life.
Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.
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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?
Rename Uranus to Ouranus.
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Elonβs opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...
Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!
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NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...
They found it to be a poophole.
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Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system.
Uranus is between them.
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Why do lemons use sun tan lotion?
Because if they donβt theyβll peel!
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Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
βLetβs have another round, shall we?β
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The moon asked the sun, βBuddy, when you are so hot, why are you single yet?β
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What do you call a sausage whoβs been sunbathing all day?
Done!
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What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?
Basqueing.
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What is another fancy name for a sun fart?
A solar flare.
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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?
An Apocaclipse.
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Bread is like the Sun:
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
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Are you from Paris?
Because Eiffel for you.
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What do love and fatty foods have in common?
They both go straight for your heart!
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What did the serial killer give his lover for Valentineβs day?
His heart! (Well, not his.)
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What did the butcher say to his girlfriend on their first date?
βNice to meat you.β
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My girlfriend just broke up with me over video games...
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
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Feel my shirt.
Itβs boyfriend material.
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Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
Itβs cool.
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How do you wish an ice cream a happy birthday?
βHope your birthday is gelato fun!β
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Why couldnβt the color blind man sell ice cream?
His cones donβt work.
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You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you canβt pick your friendsβ noses.
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I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?
Ugly.
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One eye told the other, βBetween you and me, something smells.β
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Whatβs the best thing about being an anteater?
Youβre born with a built-in straw!
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Why are elephantβs noses so big?
So they can scratch their bums!
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How do you tell poisonous mushrooms apart from edible ones?
You give them to someone else to eat first.
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My stomach doesnβt tolerate mushrooms.
They really give me a shii-take.
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What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
The ambulance.
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Where do mushrooms hang out on Saturday night?
The salad bar.
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Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?
He was sick of all its shii-take.
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Why is Donald Trump so good at the racetrack?
Heβs a stable genius.
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You know why barrel racers need to be cremated?
Because if you bury them theyβll bitch about the dirt.
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Which side of a racehorse has more hair?
The outside.
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Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?
βMensch on a benchβ.
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What is green, white, and red all over?
An elf with a sunburn.
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What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?
Stop touching my buns!
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How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?
He ate him on Sunday night!
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An honest lawyer, a happy Santa and a merry elf find 100 $. How do they split it?
50 dollars to Santa, 50 dollars to the elf, because there is no such thing as an honest lawyer!
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Whatβs black and white and green in the middle?
Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.
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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
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My kids wonβt eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
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My friend keeps saying, βEvery time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.β
I said, βTry ordering Tacos instead.β
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The worst part about being a giraffe...
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when youβre sinking into quicksand.
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Whatβs green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
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What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A six-foot toothbrush.
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Youβre riding a horse full speed, thereβs a giraffe beside you, and youβre being chased by a lion. What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel!
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What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?
Become an umpire.
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If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?
Diabetes.
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Why did the pirate cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
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Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him!
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What do a man whoβs had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.
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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?
Smurf poop.
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Why donβt blondes eat bananas?
They canβt find the zipper.
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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, βGIVE US YER LOOTβ?
They were both blonds.
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I burned 2000 calories today.
I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
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What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
Theyβre both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
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Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?
Because school is only 6 hours a day!
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Why did the student eat his homework?
Because he didnβt have a dog.
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Whatβs the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Start off with a big fortune!
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I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
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How do we know the IRS likes poor people?
Because they appear to create so many of them.
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Ever wonder why itβs called a Form 1040?
For every $50 you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.
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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people donβt?
Depreciation.
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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
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Why do brides cry at the wedding?
Because they never marry the best man.
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Why do women like men with beards?
Because they immediately see something that they can change!
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Why donβt men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
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I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.
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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldnβt need it.
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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.
She used to say βYou shall not pass!β
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How do you make a small fortune out of horses?
Start with a large fortune.
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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes!
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What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?
No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!
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What do you call a man who falls overboard and canβt swim?
Bob.
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What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?
Frank.
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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?
Phil.
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What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?
Eve.
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What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?
Lou.
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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
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What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?
Rob.
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Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?
Between you and I, something smells.
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I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?
Getting a scare-cut!
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Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?
None β they gave up.
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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Why shouldnβt you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!
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Why was the man with the big nose sad?
He could really smell his feet!
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Whatβs the worst thing about having a big nose?
Birds are always perching on it!
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Whatβs worse than having a big nose?
Having a big nose and tiny hands!
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Why do aliens not eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a shekel!
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Why are synagogues round?
So the Jews canβt hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.
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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!
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How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
The players donβt yell βFore!β they yell β$3.99!β.
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Whatβs a Jews favorite band?
Nickelback.
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In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
When it graduates from medical school.
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Why do Jews have big noses?
Because the air is free.
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How does every racist joke start?
By looking over your shoulder!
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Whatβs the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
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A skunk fell into the river and stank to the bottom.
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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
Thereβs no menuβyou get what you deserve.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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What do you have against some people?
Wellβ¦ for example, knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenadesβ¦
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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
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βI wanna be the sun of your life!β
βThen stay at 1 000 000 km of me!β
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Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
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Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
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Yo mamaβs so fat when she fell I didnβt laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When youβre a mouse.
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Why donβt mummies have friends?
Because theyβre too wrapped up in themselves.
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Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
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I canβt take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess thatβs what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.
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Why does the programmer think the Grinchβs attitude isnβt bad?
He says itβs in beta.
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Why didnβt the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
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Why donβt blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?
Because they canβt find the number eleven on their phone.
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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
You tell her a joke on Wednesday.
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Forget about the past, you canβt change it.
Forget about the future, you canβt predict it.
Forget about the present, I didnβt get you one.
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Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?
They always forget to take off the candles.
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Whatβs the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!
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There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who canβt.
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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
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