Enjoy our team's carefully selected Cold Weather Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cumin.”
“Cumin, who?”
“Can I cumin? It’s cold out here!”
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How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lettuce.”
“Lettuce, who?”
“Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”
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There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.
Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka.
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It’s as cold as a brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska.
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As cold as a witch’s tit in a brass bra.
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What do you do when you get locked outside your house in the cold weather?
You talk to the lock because communication is key.
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It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
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It was so cold that the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
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It was so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
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Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, “Didn’t you like the muffs?”
The Foreman said, “They’re a thing of beauty.”
“Why don’t you wear them?” The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, “I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! Never again, never again!”
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It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.
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It’s so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.
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It’s so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
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It’s so cold, you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
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It’s so cold, the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
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A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.
Then one day his father dies.
When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.
But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.
The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesn’t know any of the people’s traditional teachings.
So to be on the safe side, he says, “Yes. Better start gathering firewood.”
So they do.
Later that week, he decides to call up the National Weather Service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.
They say, “Apparently, it’s going to be pretty cold this year.”
So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.
The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.
They say “Yes! Apparently, it’s going to be even colder than we previously thought.”
So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.
He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him it’s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.
The chief asks how they know that.
And the man tells him, “I have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!”
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Girlfriend: “Excuse me, could you please close that window? It’s terribly cold outside.”
Boyfriend: “And you seriously think it’s going to get any warmer outside when I close it?!”
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Which is faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.
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