Enjoy our team's carefully selected Clean Dad Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
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Do you know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
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Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn’t handle the bars.
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Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
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What does Muslim Sonic say when Ramadan begins?
“Gotta go fast!”
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Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?
They fast during Ramadan.
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Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave?
He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
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How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
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Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service.
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Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand. Stop, drop, and roll.
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What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
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Where do bowlers go when they need a new team shirt?
New Jersey.
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What excuse did the bowler give when he was accused of stealing?
“I was framed!”
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Bowlers do not make good employees.
This is because 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
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The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy.
So it’s italicized!
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Why don’t they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
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On our hike yesterday, my partner wouldn’t let me take home any volcanic rocks.
And to be honest, I’m still a little basalty over it.
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Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike.
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Why did the eyeglasses walk into the classroom quietly?
They didn’t want to make a spectacle.
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I had to give up my glasses after they started causing more drama than a pair of celebrity spectacles.
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I broke my glasses and couldn’t see anything.
But then I realized it was just a broken spectacle illusion.
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The glasses on the table were feeling neglected, so I gave them a spectacle of attention.
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I didn’t wear my glasses to the party because I wanted to make a spectacle of myself.
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Why was the glasses so expensive?
Because they were designer spectacles.
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My father quietly retired from his job as an eyeglass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
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The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
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A physics student asks his teacher, “Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?”
The teacher answers, “Let me see if I can pull some strings for you.”
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Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn’t getting any hits.
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Where did the Pilgrims stand after landing on Plymouth Rock?
On their feet.
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Don’t ever attend Thanksgiving with a group of comedians.
They’ll never stop roasting the turkey.
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My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.
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What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
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Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
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What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
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What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot.
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In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated?
Turkey.
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At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
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What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G.
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Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, “If your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”
Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.
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A girlfriend said to his boyfriend, “We need a gravy boat because we’re hosting Thanksgiving this year.”
The boyfriend replied, “In that case, we should get some gravy life jackets too.”
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When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In a dictionary.
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Did you know that some say their favorite Thanksgiving food is pie?
It’s irrational.
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Remember the guy who used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers?
He had to quit cold turkey.
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What can never be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
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A poet writes in verse.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
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I’m a poet and I know it.
“I dug,
You dug,
He dug,
She dug,
We all dug!”
It’s not a great poem, but it’s deep.
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I used to own a raven. It could speak English.
But the only word it could speak was “car”.
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If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
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Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn’t speak English.
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What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
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April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?
The silly goose!
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What is a prankster’s favorite toy?
Silly String.
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Why does Batman hate April Fools’ Day?
Because the Joker might be out!
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Why do scientists suck at pulling pranks on April 1st?
They lack the element of surprise.
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I ordered that new auto part for you.
It’s Honda way.
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What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?
Automobile.
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What would you call Israel if it disappeared away?
Wasreal.
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Picked up a set of 20 Disney shorts on vinyl for only $30.
To be honest, though, I think they’d chafe less in cotton.
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Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?
Because otherwise, they’d be boxers.
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I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.
I just really feel the words a lot more.
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Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
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I’m reading a romance book in Braille. I don’t think I’ll finish.
It’s too touchy-feely for me.
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Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
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What was the trickiest question on a diabetes website?
It asked if I would accept cookies.
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How does a broken ankle apologize?
“I’m sorry for being such a stumbling block.”
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What did one broken ankle say to the other?
“Let’s stay positive and get back on our feet!”
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I asked a window cleaner if he liked his job.
He said he could see himself doing windows every day.
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If you were to clean a vacuum, would you be a vacuum cleaner?
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When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?
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I have a joke about the flu...
But I hope you don’t get it.
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Why did the flu virus go to the theater?
It heard the play was infectious.
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Why did the flu go to the art exhibit?
It heard there was a lot of culture there.
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Why don’t flu viruses use social media?
They prefer going viral in person.
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Why did the influenza virus break up with its girlfriend?
She was too cold to him.
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Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?
Apparently he got it from a cardinal.
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I can’t imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
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What is an Indian’s favorite place to be?
Indiana.
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911 operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: “Hi, I need to report a kidnapping. My son is taking a nap in my room right now.”
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What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?
“911 is an inside job.”
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I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
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A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
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Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
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I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine.
I’m under a lot of pressure.
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I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn’t go down so well.
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Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
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How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep.
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Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It’s the depth charges.
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What color are military submarines?
Deep navy.
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Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
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How did the roofing company become so successful?
They nailed it.
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I took a roofing class in college.
But all the content went right over my head.
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My roofing business is having a great promotion right now.
If you buy one roof, the next one is on the house.
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When he was ten years old Warren Buffett called 911 to report a car had been in an accident near his local grocery store.
It was his first experience with a market crash.
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Why won’t my motorbike run?
Because it’s two tired.
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Why did the nun become an archaeologist?
She had a knack for digging up old habits.
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Why do nuns always wear black and white?
No particular reason, it’s just a habit they have.
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Why does it take so long for a nun to get her clothes?
It takes 21 days to make a habit.
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I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.
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I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.
She had a nasty habit.
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Why was the burger sad?
Because he had the blue cheese.
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When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
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Why was red in awe of orange?
Because orange blue green.
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Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah, it blue up.
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My sister was diagnosed as color-blind.
The revelation really came out of the blue.
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I read a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
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Blue jeans are immortal.
They never die, they just fade away.
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I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy.
Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
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I was under the blues.
So I had to blue my nose occasionally.
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What do you call cheese that is sad?
Blue cheese.
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Once I tried to paint the sky, but I blue it.
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It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo.
They get really blue.
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What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale.
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Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
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Red ship hits blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
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What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
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What is red, white, and blue?
A sad candy cane.
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What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay.
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I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.
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We’re feeling so blue.
We used to be the Blue Man Group.
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I went to a party in blue shoes.
But everyone said it was a blue-sy idea.
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The blue cheese thought he was the king.
But he was just a cheesy guy.
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The ocean was feeling blue.
So I told her to sea the brighter side.
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She’s feeling so blue.
She might as well be called the ocean.
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Did you hear about the sky that fell?
It turned the whole world blue.
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Why do blue people make bad singers?
They’re always feeling blue.
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Why did the blue paint cross the road?
To get to the other hue.
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Did you hear about the blue pencil who broke up with his girlfriend?
He decided to draw the line.
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I’m feeling blue today, so I decided to paint my room blue.
I guess you could say it’s a shade of blue situation.
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The baby blue eyes were coldly warm.
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The sky was a cheerful shade of melancholy blue.
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His true blue loyalty was betrayed by his green envy.
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I heard about a blue whale who was feeling down.
It was a huge ordeal.
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I asked my friend what he was doing to stay happy in his job.
And he said he was always searching for blue skies.
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I was feeling blue once, so I went outside to walk it off.
Instead, I got struck by blue lightning.
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My boss told me that work might be a little blue today.
But I didn’t know that meant the copiers were taking the day off.
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I heard about a blue tick hound who was feeling down.
His bark was way worse than his bite.
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People always ask why I’m feeling blue.
I just tell them I’m still waiting for my prince charming to come riding in on a blue motorbike.
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My coworker said that being blue is in his blood.
I asked him if he had been bitten by a smurf.
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My friend said he was going to start a feeling-blue club, but I declined.
I’m more of an upbeat kind of person.
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I told my boss I was feeling blue, so he painted my office the color of the ocean. Now I’m working in a sea of tranquility.
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The party was a blue-ribbon event.
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Why do blueberries make bad employees?
They always end up getting the blues.
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Why did the blue-faced man get lost?
He was feeling blue and couldn’t find his way.
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What did the sky say to the ocean?
Nothing, they just had a blue period together.
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What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?
“Hey, pal, want to blue me away?”
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Why did the Smurfs kick Papa Smurf out of their village?
He was giving them all the blues.
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I hate it when my blue jeans fade.
They’re not feeling so blue anymore.
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Did you hear about the sad blueberry?
It was feeling blue.
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Did you hear about the blue alien that landed on Earth?
He had an out of this world.
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What did the blue paint say to the red paint when they met?
“You’re looking rosy!”
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What’s a blue shoe?
A shoe with the blues.
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What did one blue eye say to the other?
Between us, something smells.
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What did the blue paint brush say to the red paint brush?
“I blue you away.”
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Why did the blue-colored fruit hide?
It was feeling blue.
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What’s a sad shade of blue?
Bereaved.
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What do you call a sad little blue planet?
A gloom.
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What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
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What did the blue tie say to the little red dress?
“You go ahead, I’ll just hang around.”
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Why don’t sharks like to eat blue whales?
Because they’re all blubber and no beef.
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Why was the hip bone so calm during surgery?
Because it knew everything would be alright.
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When the rapper needed surgery, he got a hip-hop replacement.
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What’s a hipster’s favorite type of surgery?
A hip replacement.
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What’s a hip replacement’s favorite type of music?
Hip-hop.
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How does a hip replacement like to relax?
By taking a joint vacation.
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Why did the hip surgery patient bring a suit to the hospital?
Because he wanted to be hip and dapper during recovery.
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What did one hip replacement say to the other?
“You crack me up!”
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A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me.
Critics are saying it’s the new hip place to be.
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My grandma got a hip replacement.
My new grandma is a 24-year-old barista and an aspiring artist.
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How does Uranus stay clean?
It takes meteor showers.
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Why was Uranus sad at the solar system party?
It felt left out of the loop.
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Ever heard of the planet party?
Uranus was the star, always the center of attraction.
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I met a comedian who specializes in Uranus jokes.
Suffice to say, their humor was out of this world.
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I asked Uranus if it knows any good planet jokes.
It replied, “Sorry, they’re just not my atmosphere.”
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Why did the planet Uranus join a band?
It wanted to planet self in rhythm.
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Uranus’ puns are my favorite kind of humor.
They’re truly universal.
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I’m never afraid to make a Uranus pun.
They’re always out of this world.
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I’m not afraid to crack a joke about Uranus.
It’s a gas!
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What did Uranus say to its moon?
“You have the right to remain in orbit, anything you say will be taken out of context!”
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What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?
Space Opera.
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What did the other planets say to Uranus when it was feeling sad?
“Cheer up, life’s just a gas!”
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Why did Uranus become a rock star?
Because it’s always surrounded by gas.
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Why is Uranus so good at baseball?
Because it has a great orbit!
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What did Uranus say to Earth?
“You’re always following me around. Give me some space!”
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Why did Uranus go on a diet?
Because it wanted to be a little lighter and have that celestial glow!
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Uranus has a real flair for fashion.
It always rocks the planet look!
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You’ll never hear Uranus complain.
Because it’s got a good atmosphere about it.
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My teacher told me I couldn’t make a joke about Uranus in class.
But hey, it’s my orbit!
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When Uranus threw a party, everyone was over the moon!
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I tried to tell a joke about Uranus.
But I couldn’t planet right.
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Did you hear about the comedy show on Uranus?
It was a real gas, but not everyone understood the humor.
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If Uranus was a comedian, it would always crack jokes with a little bit of gas.
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Did you hear about the astronomy professor who was always talking about Uranus?
He was kind of a space case.
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Why did the astronaut bring a joke book to Uranus?
To break the space ice.
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What did the comet say when it visited Uranus?
“This place is a gas!”
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Why did the meteor break up with Uranus?
It felt like it was crashing and burning.
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Why did the astronaut challenge Uranus to a staring contest?
It wanted to see who had the most gravity.
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Why did the alien bring a gift to Uranus?
It wanted to show its appreciation for the atmosphere.
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Why did the asteroid start a podcast with Uranus?
They wanted to rock the airwaves.
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Why did the moon break up with Uranus?
It wanted someone with a brighter personality.
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Why did the astronaut bring a ladder to Uranus?
To reach for the stars.
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What did the comet say to Uranus?
“You’re out of this world!”
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Why did the astronaut go to therapy with Uranus?
It had too many emotional craters.
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Why is Uranus always invited to parties?
It knows how to break the ice.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite accessory?
A gas mask.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of humor?
Dark matter jokes.
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How does Uranus apologize?
It says “I’m sorry, I need some space”.
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What happens when a waffle gets mad?
It flips.
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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
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Why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg cracked a yolk!
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What do authors eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns.
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What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
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What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner!
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Artists know how to draw the line, so you can’t really peer pressure them.
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What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects?
A con artist.
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The artist was great.
He could always draw a crowd.
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A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
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My family is all worried about my addiction to dot puzzles.
It’s OK though... I know where to draw the line.
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How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
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I’ve seen a meteor shower...
But never seen a meteor take a bath.
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Why should you take a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains.
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What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
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Why do pencils shave?
To look sharp.
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What is the definition of laziness?
The art of taking rest before getting tired. Because prevention is better than cure.
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I’d like to thank everyone who taught me the definition of ‘many’.
It really means a lot.
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Why did the 30-year-old throw a party with only one candle on the cake?
They didn’t want to set off the fire alarm with all those candles!
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Why did the registered nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?
Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.
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Which actor is now being quarantined for swine flu?
Kevin Bacon.
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Why did the pig visit the physical therapist’s clinic?
It pulled a hamstring.
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“Have you seen our toilet roll?” asked my wife.
“Don’t be silly,” I replied. “A toilet is a stationary object.”
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What did a brick say to a wall?
“I’ve got your back!”
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Concrete and steel had a debate.
It was a hard conversation.
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A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?”
I replied, “Kindergarten.”
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In France, they don’t say “I love you”.
Because they don’t speak English there.
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Why do Polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can’t spell toboggan.
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Where is the flu most common?
In cities with high levels of congestion.
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What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day?
Lazy bones.
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What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
Do you believe in people?
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In baseball, Spider-Man likes the outfield because in that position he catches the most flies.
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Which is faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.
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What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?
By live stream.
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Why did the robot go on vacation?
He needed to recharge his batteries.
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What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?
A watermelon.
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What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?
Reapply.
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Guess what horses, donkeys, cows, goats, and sheep all have in common?
They’re all very stable animals.
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What does nitrogen become when the sun comes up?
Daytrogen.
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Son: “Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: “No sun.”
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Friend 1: “My dog rolled around in the mud all day. How does he smell?”
Friend 2: “Like dirt?”
Friend 1: “Nope, with his nose.”
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If my nose runs, should I catch it?
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What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose.
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The thing people overlook most of the time is their noses.
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I was sick and told my mom I had a runny nose.
She told me, “You should tell it to walk instead.”
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The nose was very tired because it kept running.
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My mom got the flu.
She said that it was like her nose went on strike.
I suggested, “You should picket.”
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Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.
He just replied, “That’s because I use both my nostrils.”
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My poor dog doesn’t have a big nose.
That makes him smell terrible.
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What sort of racehorses come out after dark?
Night-mares.
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What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
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Little Johnny yells upstairs: “Dad, there’s a salesman here with a mustache.”
“Tell him I’ve got one.”
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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
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“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
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Teacher: “Take a seat”.
Student: “Where do you want me to take it to?”
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Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!
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The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.
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Why shouldn’t you pick a green alien for your baseball team?
They’re not ripe yet.
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Customer: “Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny.”
Waiter: “Then why aren’t you laughing?”
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Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
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What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.
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What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?
Santa walking backwards!
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Can a dog jump higher than a house?
Well, duh. Houses can’t jump.
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