Enjoy our team's carefully selected Beard Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What does every poet with a mustache dream of?
To have facial hair like Shakes-beard.
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Why are beards so polite?
Because they’re well-groomed.
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What did the hipster tell his chef friend with a beard?
“You ought to shavour every bite!”
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Why couldn’t the man with the thick beard figure out the cause of his itchy beard?
He couldn’t get to the root of it.
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Why did the teen get a grooming kit for his birthday?
It was his shaventeenth birthday.
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Where does a beard stylist buy their grooming products?
At a Shaven Eleven.
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Where does a beard styling enthusiast go for vacations?
Shave-illa.
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What did the fancy bearded goat order at the café?
A goa-tea.
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What happened to the bearded clown after he was kicked out of the circus?
He lost his stubble mode of income.
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What did the balding guy and teenager growing a beard have in common?
For them, every hair counts!
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Why didn’t the barber ask the question about beards?
He was shaving it for later.
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Why was the bearded man appointed as the sheriff in the town?
He had a gunslinger beard!
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Why did the man intentionally get kicked in the face by a horse?
He wanted a horseshoe mustache.
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Where are bearded prisoners sent?
The Gilette-ine.
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Why did the bearded prince marry Rapunzel?
He wanted a hairytale ending.
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Why did the bearded man sue the barber who sneakily shaved off his beard?
He barber-ed a grudge against him.
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Why was the man who grew his beard for an entire year afraid of the barber?
The barber was a hairbinger of doom for him!
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What did the beard say after growing back on the man’s face?
“I’ve been hair before!”
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Why did the bearded man decline the invitation to a charity event?
It was a fund razor.
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Why did the man who couldn’t grow a beard tape a rabbit to his face?
Then he would get the facial hare he always wanted.
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Why did the astronaut grow a beard in space?
He wanted spacial hair.
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Why did the man maintain his beard to perfection?
If he didn’t, things would get a bit hairy.
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What did the man with a beard call his pottery shop?
Hairy Potter.
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Where does a person with a beard put their beard clippings?
Their shavings account.
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Why did the man named Penny keep shaving his beard?
A Penny shaved is a Penny earned.
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What do you call a goat with a beard?
A goatee.
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Why do women like men with beards?
Because they immediately see something that they can change!
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Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
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From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”
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Chuck Norris once soaked his beard in carbonated water.
The result is now sold as Red Bull.
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I almost cut off my beard today.
That was a close shave.
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My wife suggested I start growing a beard, to which I was against initially against...
But now, I must say, it’s growing on me.
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A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.
Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.
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Then I said, “Your beard makes you look thinner.”
...But that didn’t seem to cheer her up.
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When I was a young boy, my father taught me how to be a bearded man.
He took me into the bathroom, picked up a razor, and ate it.
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I was thinking of getting rid of the beard.
But I’ve had it for so long that at this point, it makes the decisions for me.
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My friend and I are in a beard-growing contest...
It’s neck and neck right now.
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Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache and glasses, I think
“There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.”
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There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
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A bearded man walks into a bar, “Everybody’s drinks are on me tonight!”
He then drank his beer, went to the restroom, and shaved his beard.
later he went to the bartender and asked, “How much should I pay?”
“No, sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight.”
“Ok,” and he left.
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Why did the barber keep agreeing to shave the lion’s fur even though it was dangerous?
It was his mane source of income.
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Why did the man help his friends trim their facial hair?
Shearing is caring.
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Why did the unlucky bearded man shave?
Because fortune favors the shave!
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Why did the bearded thief shave before robbing a bank?
They wanted to be a smooth criminal.
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Why did the friend who shaved lie about his beard?
He’s a bald-faced liar.
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Why isn’t Santa allowed to shave his beard?
It’s in his Clause.
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What did the man say before shaving off his beard?
“Hair goes nothing!”
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What did the barber say to the man after shaving his beard?
“All good things must comb to an end.”
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Why did the bearded man’s shaving product business flop?
Because of the razor-thin margins.
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Why do people hate to shave off their beards?
They’re naturally attached to it.
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An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”
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What do neckbeards like on their hotdogs?
M’stard.
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What do neckbeards put on their pancakes?
M’lasses.
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What’s a neckbeard’s favorite thing to put on toast?
Marm’lady.
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What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint?
McLady.
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What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard’s neckbeard?
M’stache.
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Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.
As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.
He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.
Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, “I’m God, looks like you were wrong about me.”
Nietzsche replies, “Not at all. If you’re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!”
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George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, “Excuse me, are you Moses?”
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Hey! Aren’t you Moses?”
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes, I am!”
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!”
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There was a young pregnant woman. Her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.
She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.
So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly, “Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank you.”
She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!
The woman continued to wait for her newborn and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months, and years passed, the baby never came!
Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.
They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:
“You go first!”
“No, you go first!”
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Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.
The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”
Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.
“FATHER!” he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”
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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain. So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion.
Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him, “You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back... erm... a pair of crocodile shoes!”
Roderick salutes and leaves.
Two years later, a search and rescue team is sent to India, to recover his remains.
After weeks of hacking through the jungle, they finally find him.
With a huge, thick beard and wearing rags, Rod sits on the riverbank holding a huge cudgel in his hands. Behind him is a gigantic pile of dead crocodiles.
A crocodile swims by; Rod whacks it on the head with the cudgel, drags it out of the water, examines its feet, and throws him on the pile with a curse, “Damn, another one without shoes!!”
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Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.
The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.
All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
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A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.
While he’s waiting a friend sees him and asks what he’s doing.
“I’m waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in,” Says the idiot.
“No wonder people call you an idiot,” says the friend. “How do you know it’s not coming in from the other gate?”
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Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave?
He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
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Why do pencils shave?
To look sharp.
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