Enjoy our team's carefully selected Age Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
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A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman.
“What’s the secret to your longevity?”, he asked.
Old woman: “Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone.”
The reporter laughed, “That’s ridiculous. That can’t be the real reason.”
The old lady smiled and nodded, “You’re probably right.”
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Marri-Age and Old-Age
Relative: “You are getting old. You should get married now.”
Me: “Will that stop aging?”
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In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.
One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.
The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, “I hear you are 102!”
“That’s correct,” said the old man with a smile.
“Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!”
“Thank you,” said the old man humbly.
“Do you mind if I ask...”
“How am I this healthy at my age?” finished the old man. “Help me carry this wood back home, and I’ll tell you.”
The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.
“You see,” said the old man, “I’ve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I’ve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! That’s why I’m in the great shape I am.”
“But if that’s the case,” said the puzzled visitor, “how come your wife is in such great shape too?”
“Well,” smiled the old man, “she usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.”
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Why did the 30-year-old throw a party with only one candle on the cake?
They didn’t want to set off the fire alarm with all those candles!
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Remember when staying up all night was fun in your 20s?
At 30, staying up all night means you have insomnia.
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Here’s to being 30! Where a night of drinking requires more recovery time than minor surgery.
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Nothing changes when you cross thirty, except that you have to replace your moisturizer with anti-aging cream.
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How did the 30-year-old gardener celebrate their birthday?
By receiving a thirtree as a gift!
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How did the 30-year-old marathon runner celebrate their birthday?
By going the extra mile!
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What did the 30-year-old computer engineer say on his birthday?
“I’m just a byte older.”
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As long, you don’t have kids, your 30s are like your 20s, but with money.
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In your 20s: dress like you’re on the catwalk!
In your 40s: dress like you walk cats.
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No woman should have kids after 40.
Really, 40 kids is more than enough!
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If you add the two numbers in your chronological age, you get your true age.
So you’re 5 now, and you can’t really argue the similarities. Five-year-olds have a tough time tying their shoes, can barely spell their own name, and need help reading!
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“It’s your birthday? How old are you?” asks the man’s friend.
“I’m seven and one-seventh,” replies the man.
“How’s that, you look about 50 to me?” asks the friend.
“Every time I chat up a nice lady she calls me an old dog, so I figure I get to count age in dog years now!”
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Why can you trust your friends more after turning 50?
Because you can’t even remember each other’s names, let alone your deepest secrets!
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What do you call a 50-year-old soldier guarding a building?
Half a sentry.
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You know you’re 50 when that come hither look you used to have in your eyes just doesn’t look as enticing through your bifocals.
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You know you’re 50 when you’re thankful when someone tells you that you have lipstick on your teeth because it means you still have teeth.
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You know you’re 50 when your face has more wrinkles than an elephant’s backside.
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You know you’re 50 when you and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.
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You know you’re 50 when you have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you can’t see over your belly.
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You know you’re 50 when you now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.
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One benefit of old age is that your secrets are safe with your friends, they can’t remember them either!
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Getting old certainly has its benefits.
Every birthday party is a surprise birthday party when you reach 80 years of age.
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The young man, as he was golfing alone, not being able to say no, allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball—and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk, and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall.”
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If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age.
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An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was surprised to see his happy demeanor.
Doctor: “What is the secret of your good health?”
Old man: “I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling. And then come back and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health.”
Doctor: “Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died?”
Old man: “My father died! Who told you that he died?!”
Doctor (surprised): “You mean that you are 80 years old, and your father is still alive? So how old is he now?”
Old man: “He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine.”
Doctor: “This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family’s genes. So, how old was your grandfather when he died?”
Old man: “My grandfather died! Who told you that he died?!”
Doctor (puzzled): “You mean that you are 80 years old, and your grandfather is still alive very much! What is his age?”
Old man: “Yes, he is 123 years old.”
Doctor: “I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too?”
Old man: “No, Grandpa could not go this morning, because he is getting married today.”
Doctor (on the verge of going mad): “Why would he want to get married at the age of 123?”
Old man: “Who said he wanted to get married? He had to be forced.”
Doctor (shouted): “But why?!”
Old man: “The Girl is pregnant, that’s why.”
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since. The clinic is closed.
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My granny started cycling at 97 years old. She has been doing ten miles per day.
And now we don’t know where the heck she is!
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How do you know it’s time to retire?
It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!
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