I go to the gym religiously.
About twice a year, around holidays.
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I said to my kid, “Someone just told me that you’re acting like an owl.”
My son: “Who?”
Me: “Exactly.”
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When everything’s coming your way...
You’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
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What did the newspaper say to the ice cream?
What’s the scoop?
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What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyathinkysaurus.
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I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning”.
If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?
Rename Uranus to Ouranus.
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The good news is that you could make a lot of money by selling billboard space on your forehead.
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My brother just broke the record by downing 22 jets.
He’ll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Air Force.
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What did you tell the shopkeeper at the grocery store?
Donut mind me, I am here for the hole food.
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Your forehead is so big, it gets home before you do.
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Broccoli: “Hey, I look like a tree.”
Mushroom: “Wow, I look just like an umbrella.”
Walnut: “I look exactly like a brain.”
Banana: “Man, can we change the topic please?”
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My bank has a new feature where they’ll text you your bank balance. I think it’s pretty cool.
I just don’t think they should end the text with “LOL”, though.
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What does Spider-Man put in his beverages?
Just ice.
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Did you hear about the baseball player who can spot a fast-food restaurant from miles away?
He leads the league in Arby eyes.
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Customer: “Waiter! Waiter! What is the moldy stuff?”
Waiter: “That’s a bean taco.”
Customer: “I’m sure it’s been a taco, but what is it now?!?”
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What do you call a fat pineapple?
A pineapple chunk.
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What’s one thing that you’ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
You’ll both be filled with stuffing.
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Are aliens from invasion movies actually British?
Because all they do is colonize.
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What do you call a league with only two superheroes in it?
The Just Us League.
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