What do a lion and a computer have in common?
They both have mega bites.
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What sign was hanging outside the room where all the donut lovers were having a meeting?
It was a sign that said “Donut disturb!”.
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Why do the employees get sick on Labor Day weekend?
Weakened immune system.
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April Fools’ Day.
The day, every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?
Rename Uranus to Ouranus.
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Hey, guess what I am drinking tonight?
Nothing because I am already drunk on you.
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How does a viola greet a relative?
Cello!
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The nose was very tired because it kept running.
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A golden rule of the wife:
There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.
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I used to be one of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot.
But then I discovered oven mitts.
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which is the most feminine candy?
it’s Hershey!
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How was your ear operation?
Thursday.
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What do you call it when a leprechaun sharts?
Lucky streak.
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What’s a marketer’s favorite drink?
Brand-y.
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My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.
“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”
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Why do people think vampire always have the flu?
Because they be coffin all day.
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A physics student asks his teacher, “Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?”
The teacher answers, “Let me see if I can pull some strings for you.”
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Two guys are walking through a national park and they come across a bear that has not eaten for days.
The bear sees the two men and starts chasing them. They run as fast as they can.
One guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this bear into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the bear is still chasing, and he sees the bear on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the bear.
As he comes closer to the bear, he hears it saying a prayer, “Thank you, Lord, for the food I am about to receive.”
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Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, “It is awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn’t it?”
Other recruit replies, “Everyone must be watching the band.”
“There is no band on this ship.”
“No, I definitely heard the captain say “A band on ship!”.
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What do you call a sneaky blue bean?
A navy bean.
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