What do you call a lady who enjoys mushrooms?
A fun-gal.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl be glad to meet you if you let me in.”
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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
I’m feeling canneloni right now.
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.
She asks him: “Little Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?”
He: “Like the moon.”
The teacher: “That’s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful”.
Little Johnny: “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”
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It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
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Dear Math,
I am sick and tired of finding your “x”. Just accept the fact that she’s gone. Move on dude.
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The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk.”
The wasted wino asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Obviously relieved, the wino said, “That’s a relief—I thought I was a cripple.”
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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a shekel!
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I am sweating like a wax figure in a sauna.
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The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country.
I think they are in de Nile.
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Three archaeologists met in a seminar.
The British said, “We dug very deep and found sculpted animal bones. This proves that my ancestors invented art.”
The German said, “We dug very deep and found a plate-size disk showing the solar system. This proves that my ancestors invented astronomy.”
The Italian said, “We dug very deep and didn’t find any wires. This proves that my ancestors invented Wi-Fi communication.”
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A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whiskey and drinks it all.
Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whiskey.
Drunk, he orders a glass of whiskey.
Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whiskey.
Then he says, “That’s weird. The less I drink, the drunker I get.”
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Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Café?
Chocolate Moose.
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An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn’t wearing his watch.
A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree.
The American approaches the Mexican and asks, “Excuse me, do you know what time is?”
The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, “4:30.”
The American asks, “How do you know that?”
The Mexican replies, “Well you get a handful of the donkey’s balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street.”
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National Pride Day should be September 21.
September 22 is the first day of Autumn, and as everyone knows, pride goes before a fall.
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You know, if the moon landing was faked, NASA owes us a huge Apollo-gy!
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Did you hear about the aristocratic horse?
He was the last of his race!
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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”, he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
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When should you wear flip-flop sandals?
On a Toesday.
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Your forehead is so big your entire face is on your chin.
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