Why are dyslexic people religious?
Because they think god is man’s best friend.
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She nailed the surgery.
But she’s still having a few screws loose.
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Never fight a math teacher. You’ll always be outnumbered.
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What do you call a fish with 4 eyes?
A fiiiish.
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If a baker assaults somebody with a baguette...
Can he be charged with assault with a breadly weapon?
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What do dragons like with their soup?
Firecrackers.
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It is hotter than a bake sale on the Fourth of July.
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What do you call a lawyer who sings?
An opera attorney.
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A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
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On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
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My wife and I have an open relationship.
Found out last night.
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Why do moths like the light?
Because if they liked the dark they’d be goths.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t use a vibrating toothbrush.
His plastic one trembles in fear.
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”
The Pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “In that case, we’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list.”
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What’s the difference in definition of complete vs. finished?
When you marry the right woman, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.
When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.
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What is the definition of overcast?
When Harry Potter messes up a spell.
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What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?
A blood moon!
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My wife asked me, “Why are there holes in your pants?”
I said, “It’s Sunday, right?”
My wife: “Yeah?”
Me: “Well, these are my holy pants.”
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What are Schrodinger’s cat’s pronouns?
Is/isn’t.
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Why did the boy stop eating donuts?
Because he got bored with the hole thing.
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