Don’t be irreplaceable—if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
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What is a seafood an Italian would love to have?
A moray.
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What do you call a chili with a PhD?
Dr. Pepper.
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What’s the problem with twin witches?
You never know which witch is which.
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A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist take a vacation to the ocean.
The physicist was fascinated by the waves, so he walked into the ocean to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves. Obviously, he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist wanted to research the amazing flora and fauna of the ocean, so he walked into the water as well. He, too, never returned.
The chemist thought for a while, then noted in his lab notebook:
The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.
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What do you call a man who falls overboard and can’t swim?
Bob.
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When I saw your hairline I thought you worked at McDonald’s.
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I saw a blue crab today.
It was quite a claw-some sight.
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You never really appreciate what you’ve got until it’s gone.
Toilet paper is a good example.
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As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
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What did the dad turkey say to his stubborn child?
“If your mother could see you now, she’d be turning over in her gravy.”
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The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
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The hardest part about working from home is the distractions, my girlfriend never stops talking to me while I’m on my PlayStation.
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Yo momma’s so ugly they push her face in the dough to make Ugnaught cookies.
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Why didn’t the butter take the part in the new movie?
Because it didn’t like the roll it was being offered.
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Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?
It means “Lousy Hunter”.
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What do you call a Polish ape?
Chimpanski.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“CIA.”
“CIA, who?”
“CI ate your last doughnut!”
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What’s the perfect St. Paddy’s Day breakfast?
Green eggs and ham.
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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
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