Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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She: “I cheated on you.”
He: “Me too.”
She: “April, 1.”
He: “March, 20.”
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What’s the name of the Democratic skeleton from Brooklyn, New York who’s running for president?
Bony Sanders.
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What do waitresses and chemists have in common?
They both need to check the table periodically.
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What does the moon like to have on its toast?
Space Jam!
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A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 60th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice, luxurious hotel.
The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.
“It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the clerk.
The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.
The manager showed up and explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.
“But I didn’t use them,” the old woman said.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” he replied.
The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
“We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” he said.
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
The manager replied, “Well, we have them, and you could have.”
Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, “But I didn’t use it!”
The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.
The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him.
“But madam, this check is for only $50.00,” he said.
“That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” the old lady replied.
“But I didn’t!” the manager shouted.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
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What do you call a Shrek fan girl?
An O-girl!
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was trying to escape the gravitational pull of your mother.
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Your mama’s so short she does backflips under the bed.
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So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said, “Si.”
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What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
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On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.
So when he got home from school, I said to him, “Steve, do you mind sitting down, I’ve got something to tell you.”
“Dad, guess what?!” he shouted excitedly.
“Steve, this is important.” I urged.
“No way, Dad. Listen!”
“Steve. Please. Don’t make this hard for me. It’s about your mum and me.”
“Dad! Shut up! I’ve just won £250,000 on a scratch card!”
“That’s amazing son! Your old Dad’s really made up for you!”
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What does a one-legged man call karate?
Partial Arts.
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I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren’t gonna work out.
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What word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly.
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Why did the electrician stay home on Labor Day?
He needed to recharge his batteries.
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Doctor: “Who’s my next patient?”
Nurse: “Mr. Ghost.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see right now.”
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Why did the Pilgrim kill the turkey?
Because he was in a fowl mood.
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No thanks, pants! I am working from home today.
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Why did the cowboy take hay to bed?
To feed his nightmares.
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