I bet on a great horse yesterday!
It took seven horses to beat him.
😄 😄 😄
The toast was having a sleepover. Guess what he was wearing?
His favorite pa-jam-as.
😄 😄 😄
Why do all Fortnite players have healthy gums?
Because they floss regularly.
😄 😄 😄
How do we know the IRS likes poor people?
Because they appear to create so many of them.
😄 😄 😄
Why are beards so polite?
Because they’re well-groomed.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star”.
😄 😄 😄
I took a roofing class in college.
But all the content went right over my head.
😄 😄 😄
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers.
😄 😄 😄
I don’t like people who do not cover their mouths and noses when they sneeze.
These people make me sick.
😄 😄 😄
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
😄 😄 😄
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell panda?
You just need P and A.
😄 😄 😄
If you’re working on a desktop or laptop, make sure to put on a mask.
You wouldn’t want to catch one of those computer viruses.
😄 😄 😄
What can a whole pizza do that a half pizza cannot do?
A whole one can look round.
😄 😄 😄
If anyone else makes a bad joke about ‘tossing’ on Pancake Day...
...I will batter them!
😄 😄 😄
An employee asked his boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it’s so close to Christmas?”
The boss said, “It’s May.”
“Sorry,” the employee replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it’s so close to Christmas?”
😄 😄 😄
“I thought up an acronym to describe you.”
“What is it?”
“ABCDEFGHIJK.”
“WTF does that stand for?”
“Amazing, bae, cool, dreamy, encouraging, great, fantasy hunk, intelligent.”
“What about the JK?”
“Just kidding!”
😄 😄 😄
The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called Sound of Wasps.
When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.
😄 😄 😄
A man ordered for a voice-automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car, “Car, go and bring my children from school.”
The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.
As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said, “These are your children, sir.”
In the car were their landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress’s two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son, and their neighbor’s two sons.
The wife said angrily, “I demand to know if these are all your children?!”
The man asked her calmly, “Just as soon as you tell me why our children aren’t in the car.”
😄 😄 😄
Your momma so short she is the original Q-tip.
😄 😄 😄
The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.
The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.
Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it.
His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.
😄 😄 😄
