What do you find out after reading a biography of Michael Jackson?
That he had a colored past.
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To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeareβs Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
βHello.β
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Chuck Norris made the llama extinct.
Never spit in his face.
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Ever since 2017, my New Yearβs resolution has been to work on my novel.
Many years going and Iβve almost finished reading it!
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βAbby.β
βAbby, who?β
βAbby birthday to you!β
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Why was the glasses so expensive?
Because they were designer spectacles.
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WFH day 3:
Was in a 15-person online meeting, thought I was muted, farted really loudly... Shit!
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Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
βHere lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan.β
So, one of them asked the other: βWhen the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?β
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What do you put in a female balloon?
Shelium.
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Yo mama so ugly Instagram tagged her selfies βexplicit contentβ.
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Yo mammaβs so ugly Rancors look at her and go βDamn, dude, sheβs UGLY!β.
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Iβm feeling blue today, so I decided to paint my room blue.
I guess you could say itβs a shade of blue situation.
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Iβm not short, Iβm concentrated awesome.
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Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants.
Iβm not doing it for you. Iβm doing it for me, because itβs comfortable.
Who cares if you can see my balls?
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My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately heβs had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood.
Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?
Axeing for a friend.
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I shouldnβt have had that leftover sushi.
Iβm feeling a bit eel.
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The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads βPlease use toilet brush after using the toiletβ.
Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?
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Babe, guess what would look good on you?
Me.
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Itβs so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
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Yo mama so stupid that she thought Star Wars was a war for stars.
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