Best Jokes (96)



What do you find out after reading a biography of Michael Jackson?

That he had a colored past.

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To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

β€œHello.”

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Chuck Norris made the llama extinct.

Never spit in his face.

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Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel.

Many years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œAbby.”

β€œAbby, who?”

β€œAbby birthday to you!”

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Why was the glasses so expensive?

Because they were designer spectacles.

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WFH day 3:

Was in a 15-person online meeting, thought I was muted, farted really loudly... Shit!

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Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:

β€œHere lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan.”

So, one of them asked the other: β€œWhen the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?”

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What do you put in a female balloon?

Shelium.

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Yo mama so ugly Instagram tagged her selfies β€œexplicit content’.

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Yo mamma’s so ugly Rancors look at her and go β€œDamn, dude, she’s UGLY!”.

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I’m feeling blue today, so I decided to paint my room blue.

I guess you could say it’s a shade of blue situation.

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I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.

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Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants.

I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for me, because it’s comfortable.

Who cares if you can see my balls?

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My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he’s had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood.

Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.

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I shouldn’t have had that leftover sushi.

I’m feeling a bit eel.

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The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads β€œPlease use toilet brush after using the toilet”.

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

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Babe, guess what would look good on you?

Me.

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It’s so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.

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Yo mama so stupid that she thought Star Wars was a war for stars.

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