Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly disappointing.
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What do you call bread baked by a poet?
Poet-rye.
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The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad.
It was tearable.
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Dear Math,
I am sick and tired of finding your “x”. Just accept the fact that she’s gone. Move on dude.
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I thought breakfast in bed would be a nice Mother’s Day treat for my Mom.
So I’ve put a camp bed next to the stove for her.
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A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
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I am able to see Uranus from my house and it looks extremely gassy.
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In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place?
Extra terrestrials.
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Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”
Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”
Bartender: “Three dollars.”
Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”
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A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.
While in the church, the girl asked her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied to the girl, “Because white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”
After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, “But, then why is the groom wearing black?”
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Why is nostalgia like grammar?
We find the present tense and the past perfect.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“Ah, October! Almost time for Halloween. This season reminds me of how I met my wife. I went to a costume party and saw her across the room. Standing there all thin and tall and gorgeous next to her fat friend. They’d come to the party together dressed as the number ten,” he tells the bartender. “That’s when I knew, she was the one.”
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Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.
“A lemon tree, my dear Wat-son.”
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What is a prankster’s favorite toy?
Silly String.
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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
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What happens to corny jokesters who get jailed on April Fools’ Day?
They go to the pun-itentiary.
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An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.
He panicked and shouted, “God, help me!” and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.
A voice from the heavens boomed “You say you don’t believe in me, but now you’re asking for my help?”
The atheist looked up and said, “Well, ten seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.”
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Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
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Harry Styles needs to get into the insurance business.
He’s an expert at Style-gating.
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Why did the unlucky bearded man shave?
Because fortune favors the shave!
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