A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.
I donβt know if they will be well received...
Remains to be seen.
π π π
How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
Theyβre all girls! If they were boys, theyβd be uncles.
π π π
Your mama so fat she sat on a dollar and when she got up there were 4 quarters.
π π π
Why will the Flat Earth Society never be popular?
Because they cant get the word a round.
π π π
What do you call a guy whoβs mad about his feet getting run over?
Lack-toes intolerant.
π π π
An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road
The driver discovers he has no service and canβt call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him.
βHey man, having car trouble?β the driver asks.
βIβm afraid so,β the driver of the Fiat answers.
βTell you what, my car is strong enough, Iβll tow you to the nearest garage,βΒ says the BMW driver.
The Fiat driver is overjoyed at this and together they couple the little hatchback to the BMW using a rope.
As the BMW driver gets in, the Fiat driver asks him something, βThis is an old car, so please drive carefully.β
The BMW driver nods his head, βJust honk if Iβm going too fast.β With that, he gets in and they drive away.
They drive for a while, when suddenly a Porsche races by them. The BMW driver doesnβt like this blow to his ego at all and starts chasing down the Porsche.
As they race down the road, they pass a farm.
The farmer looks at the spectacle and walks inside.
βWhatβs the matter with you? You look like youβve seen a ghost,β his wife says.
The farmer replies, βI just saw a BMW and Porsche racing, and an old Fiat honking to get past.β
π π π
Boy, it looks like youβve been caught in my web... of love.
π π π
Where do you get pineapple milk from?
From its pinenipples.
π π π
My history textbook says that the Pharaoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he couldβve just used bricks or something.
π π π
What happened to the bearded clown after he was kicked out of the circus?
He lost his stubble mode of income.
π π π
A viola player goes into a music shop.
The shop assistant asks what he would like.
The viola player says, βWell, Iβve been playing the viola for years and Iβm getting really tired of everyone pointing and laughing and acting like I donβt know the first thing about music, so Iβm thinking about taking up another instrument.β
βDo you know what youβd like to play?β asks the assistant.
The viola player says, βIβm not sure yet. Is it all right if I have a look around for a while?β
Of course the assistant says that would be just fine.
So after ten minutes or so the viola player comes up to the desk and says, βI think Iβve made my decision. Iβd like to buy the bagpipes you have by the door, and the big white accordion.β
The assistant says, βLet me just go and see the manager.β He goes and sees the manager.
He comes back and says, βThe manager says you can have the fire extinguisher for Β£49.99, but the radiatorβs not for sale.β
π π π
Why is Uranus always invited to parties?
It knows how to break the ice.
π π π
Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
π π π
What do you get when you drink root beer in a square glass?
Beer!
π π π
Did you hear that Jeff Bezos changed his name to Richard and started a living room furniture empire?
I guess you can do anything if youβre sofa king rich.
π π π
The bird flu is pretty nasty.
Luckily, itβs tweetable.
π π π
An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum.
βSpare some loose change?β asks the bum.
βAnd why should I do that?β asks the accountant.
βBecause Iβm broke. Havenβt got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,β says the bum.
βI see,β says the accountant. βAnd how does this compare to the same quarter last year?β
π π π
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
π π π
Iβm never afraid to make a Uranus pun.
Theyβre always out of this world.
π π π
Which element of the periodic table is the poorest?
Antimony.
π π π