What condiment should you always use in May?
Mayo.
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Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
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You’re so fly, all I want to do right now is wrap you up and take you to my web.
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Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
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What’s Shrek’s favorite item of clothing?
An ogrecoat.
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Ole sadly died, so Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, “You just put ‘Ole died’.”
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just ‘Ole died?’ Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Ole. If it’s money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.”
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “Okay. You put ‘Ole died. Boat for sale’.”
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What do you call someone dressed as a clown who falls down the stairs?
An ambulance.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Erin.”
“Erin, who?”
“Erin as fast as I could but couldn’t catch the leprechaun.”
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Singular: one mango
Plural: Two menwent
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What’s the best road sign in Auburn?
Tuscaloosa 120 miles.
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What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?
“You are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!”
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Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
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Madonna is 54 and her boyfriend’s 25.
Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend’s 26.
So if you’re single it’s ok, maybe he’s just not born yet.
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Do you want to get a sundae?
No, thanks, it’s only Thursday.
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What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
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How come “you’re a peach” is a compliment, but “you’re bananas” is an insult?
Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
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My two pets fell into my swimming pool.
One of them couldn’t swim at all, but the otter could.
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Chuck Norris got into a staring contest with the sun today.
The sun blinked.
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If Spider-Man suddenly runs out of web when he’s chasing bad guys, what is he called?
Peter Parkour.
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What do you call a grizzly with no shoes?
Bear foot.
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