What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a musician?
A tattoo.
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Why is teamwork important?
It helps to put the blame on someone else!
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Did you hear about the big Lego sale?
People were lined up for blocks.
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After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.
Murphy objected, “If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!”
“What do you think we are, stupid?” Declan replied, “We’ll send our
man at night!”
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Why does Batman hate April Fools’ Day?
Because the Joker might be out!
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A lot of people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
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What drink goes with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Nut-tea.
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When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had two missed calls from Chuck Norris.
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What do Arsenal and a shampoo bottle have in common?
Both struggle with “no more tears”.
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Why is the Elf on the Shelf’s favorite school subject?
Spilling.
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Your mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest they said "Sorry, no professionals".
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What do you get when you cross ginger with a Jamaican?
Gingerbreadmon.
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I watched hockey before it was cool.
They basically were swimming.
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I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.
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Why can’t penguins fly?
They’re not tall enough to be pilots.
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I was depressed in my job as a guillotine operator.
I just couldn’t see myself getting ahead in life with that job.
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What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
“You are to little to smoke!”
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Why does Mario prefer to hang out with Toad more than Luigi?
Because he’s a fun-gi.
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I asked Uranus about its love life.
And it replied, “It’s complicated, I’m in a gas-tly relationship.”
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Your mama so hot when she visits Antarctica locals call it summertime.
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