My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She’s at the ER now. Her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Auburn always in the dark?
Because they’re afraid of Alabama Power.
😄 😄 😄
What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?
“Are you feeling ill?”
😄 😄 😄
I like working from home.
It’s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
😄 😄 😄
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, “My door is always open!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dumb carnivore?
A meathead.
😄 😄 😄
You must secretly be a nuclear technician because you’re both radiant and glowing!
😄 😄 😄
What happened to the fungi who moved into a New York apartment?
He didn’t have mush-room.
😄 😄 😄
Why is chess just like real life?
The king can only take a step at a time and the queen can do as she pleases.
😄 😄 😄
Why are two blonde girls fighting on a motorcycle?
They are fighting because they both want to sit next to the window.
😄 😄 😄
Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?
They fast during Ramadan.
😄 😄 😄
What does the gym instructor say after having loads of desserts?
“I donut care anymore.”
😄 😄 😄
What is the perfect profession for narcissists?
Architect. Because they’ll forever be making entrances and drawing stairs.
😄 😄 😄
If you were a food what would you be?
Friend 1: “Pizza because I’m so cheesy.”
Friend 2: “Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends.”
Me: “Donut because I’m so empty inside.”
😄 😄 😄
What is the difference between a piano, a tuna and a glue?
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
And you probably wondering what about the glue...
I knew you would get stuck on that.
😄 😄 😄
If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.
If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
😄 😄 😄
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk?
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
😄 😄 😄
My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “Do you smoke or drink coffee?”
I told him I drink it.
😄 😄 😄
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art dealer: “I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them.”
Painter: “Wow! What’s the bad news?”
Art dealer: “He was your doctor.”
😄 😄 😄
