Did you hear about that dyslexic Japanese samurai?
He was so dishonored, that he committed Sudoku.
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A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.
His father replied, “Ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I’d be happy to give you a dollar, here’s a quarter.”
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Chuck Norris once soaked his beard in carbonated water.
The result is now sold as Red Bull.
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Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.
In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes of silence.
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What language do Brazilian geese speak?
Portu-geese.
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Girlfriend: “What’s the day today?”
Boyfriend: “Monday.”
Girlfriend: “The...?”
Boyfriend: “Day before Tuesday.”
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Europ vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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What do you get when you cross Rosie the Riveter and Super Mario?
A princess who can save herself.
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Good morning!
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’m aiming for the cheese today!
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What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
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What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?
Influen(zer).
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After I broke up with my short girlfriend, she started a YouTube channel dedicated to trashing me.
I said, “Well, that’s a little ex stream.”
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The party was a blue-ribbon event.
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My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
I said, “Please don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.”
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Traffic policeman: “Didn’t you hear my whistle, madam?”
Woman driver: “Yes, but I don’t like flirting while I’m driving.”
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Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy, I break out in hives.
I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.
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Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
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Guess what the ship had to go to therapy for?
He was a nervous wreck!
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What was the almond tree up to all summer?
Nuttin’.
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Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
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