Best Jokes (95)



How do dolphins compute?

They use a Central Porpoising Unit.

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Two blondes are walking in the woods and come across a set of tracks.

One looks at them and says, β€œWow, wolf tracks!”

The other looks down and scoffs, β€œThose are coyote tracks, not wolf tracks. Look at the size!”

β€œNo, they are not!” says the first. β€œI’ve spent most of my life walking in these woods, and I know wolf tracks when I see them!”

They stand there arguing over the tracks for some time, and are eventually hit by a train.

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A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, β€œMy god, whoever did this needs help!”

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There is rumor of a new β€œAmish Flu” out of Pennsylvania.

The symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little horse and buggy.

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What did 49er Linebacker always have stuck in his teeth?

Quarterbacks.

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Why did the chicken family cross the road?

They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.

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Mortal: β€œWhat is a million years like to you?”

God: β€œLike one second.”

Mortal: β€œWhat is a million pounds like to you?”

God: β€œLike one penny.”

Mortal: β€œCan I have a penny?”

God: β€œJust a second...”

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When my mother died, all my father said was β€œcough, fatigue,Β fever”.

He’s a man of flu words.

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My friend had mushrooms during the party.

Now he’s a fun-gi.

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Why do Stormtroopers only have iPhones?

Because they couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.

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Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net.

Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, β€œOK, let’s go over the rules of volleyball one last time.”

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You know why vampires can raise ghouls?

Because they are neck romancers.

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What does the youngest flower child say?

β€œLast bud not least!”

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Yo daddy is soΒ dumb the computer said β€œpress any key to continue”, and he was looking for the any key BUTTON.

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A telephone rang.

β€œHello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”

β€œYes, it is,” came the reply.

β€œThank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”

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Husband: β€œHappy Anniversary honey! I was just remembering how happy we were 30 years ago.

Wife: β€œYou idiot, we did not know each other 30 years ago.”

Husband: β€œThat’s why we were so happy!”

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Broccoli looks into the trunk of his car.

He sees an extra tire and exclaims, β€œOh! I have a-spar-a-gus!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œAugust.”

β€œAugust, who?”

β€œA gust of wind knocked me over!”

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A world-renowned chemist has passed away.

His will specifies that all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be put in his body.

β€œAre we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?” they ask his wife.

To which she replies, β€œNo, just Barium.”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œPat.”

β€œPat, who?”

β€œPat on your coatβ€”we’re going to the St. Patty’s Day parade.”

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