What was the full name of Eddie Murphy’s character in Shrek?
Donkey Ho-tay!
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I am sweating like a dog at a Chinese restaurant.
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Why was the glasses so expensive?
Because they were designer spectacles.
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What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?
Hamsterdam.
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Look up “rib” in the dictionary and it says “To vex, irritate or annoy”.
Look up “rib” in the Bible and it says “Woman”.
Coincidence?
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No thanks, pants! I am working from home today.
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A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.
Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow, “What the heck are you doing down there?”
And the fellow shouts back, “Yoga!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I eat mop.”
“I eat mop, who?”
“That’s revolting!”
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How many Gen Z’ers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They’ll just take a selfie in the dark.
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What did the peanut butter say to the jelly when it won the lottery?
“We’re rich and jellyous!”
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Why was the surfer such a bad cook?
All he could handle was the microwave.
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What’s the difference between a bassist and god?
God doesn’t think he’s a bassist.
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Your mama so hot her hugs give third-degree burns.
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A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
“Behave, my bubaleh,” she says.
“Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh!”
“And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.”
“Your mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!”
At the end of the school day, the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
“So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?”
The boy answers, “I learned my name is David.”
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a bass player’s arm?
A tattoo.
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Too many spiders in your house can turn it into a no fly zone.
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On Teachers’ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?
To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.
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An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder.
The barman asks, “Where did you get that?”
The seagull replies, “Down the tip, there are heaps of them there.”
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What’s closer, France or the Moon?
The Moon, obviously! You can’t see France from here!
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“Mum, I just won this phone in a race!”
“Who was in the race?”
“The owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”
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