A guy’s wife and kids all came down with the flu.
Upon returning home from the doctor’s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.
She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, “Three days?! The doctor can’t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!” Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, “If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?”
😄 😄 😄
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
Stock boy: “No, ma’am. They’re dead.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
😄 😄 😄
You are the only person that can smoke a cigarette in the rain with your hands tied on your back.
Your nose is like a natural canopy.
😄 😄 😄
How is the submarine doing at school?
It’s below c-level.
😄 😄 😄
Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor?
Everybody.
😄 😄 😄
Good morning!
May your cup be filled with coffee and your tolerance for stupid people be high.
😄 😄 😄
My friend thought he was better Super Mario player than me.
But he was wrong on so many levels.
😄 😄 😄
Me: “Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?”
Siri: “This is Alexa.”
😄 😄 😄
The last twenty-five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.
For instance, I've lived through more Spider-Man re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.
😄 😄 😄
The cactus is talking to his wife.
Wife: “You’re so selfish. You have to remember that it’s cact-US.”
Cactus: “Actually, the plural of cactus is catc-I.”
😄 😄 😄
Next time someone complains about Millennials, remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hard-wood floors.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Irish.”
“Irish, who?”
“Irish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner!”
😄 😄 😄
A German man was visiting the UK.
He asked a local if they knew what the number for the police was.
The local said 999.
The German man walked away and asked another local for the number.
Again, he got the same response.
Confused, he complained about how no one knew the police number.
😄 😄 😄
I’m sticking with my citrus diet until June.
Cumquat May.
😄 😄 😄
Why’d the giant octopus eat two ships filled with potatoes?
Because you can’t eat just one potato ship.
😄 😄 😄
Chhattisgarh Minister: “The voters will get electric shock if they don’t vote/press the button for Congress.
Villagers: “At least, electricity will come under this pretext.”
😄 😄 😄
A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.
Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him, “Why the long face?”
The salesman replied, “I failed in Saudi Arabia. The campaign was a total failure.”
“Why is that?” asked the friend. “I thought you had a good campaign running.”
“Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the Saudis. But I had a problem—I didn’t speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhaustion; he has fainted.
Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.
I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldn’t go anywhere without seeing them.”
“Terrific! That should have worked!” said the friend.
“It should have,” sighed the salesman. “Only no one told me they read from right to left…”
😄 😄 😄
What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?
I come in pieces.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so dumb when she got locked in a grocery store she starved to death.
😄 😄 😄
