John thought he could never catch an illness.
When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly”.
A few months later, it finally happened.
The swine flu.
😄 😄 😄
After the 4th of July fireworks caused finger injuries, what did the friends say?
Nothing, they couldn’t count on me.
😄 😄 😄
I’m proud to announce that our slaves are finally free.
And that’s a great price!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
😄 😄 😄
What holds the moon up?
Moon beams!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bearded thief shave before robbing a bank?
They wanted to be a smooth criminal.
😄 😄 😄
How many autistic people does it take to change a lightbulb?
“One, but what do you want me to change it into?”
😄 😄 😄
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Nicholas.”
“Nicholas, who?”
“Nicholas half as much as a dime.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Pat.”
“Pat, who?”
“Pat on your coat—we’re going to the St. Patty’s Day parade.”
😄 😄 😄
“The neighbors hate us.”
“Why?”
“Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?”
“Yeah, that was really fun.”
“And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband’s arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?”
“Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we’d done...”
“We were still holding our marshmallow sticks...”
😄 😄 😄
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
😄 😄 😄
My son played soccer in the mud all day.
He was a little Messi.
😄 😄 😄
What’s black and white and green in the middle?
Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.
😄 😄 😄
You know you’re 50 when that come hither look you used to have in your eyes just doesn’t look as enticing through your bifocals.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call the mother who gave birth to Super Mario?
Mario Maker.
😄 😄 😄
I got in trouble for calling Uranus a gasbag.
But let’s be honest, it’s full of hot air!
😄 😄 😄
July 1st is International Reggae Day.
This is the day I dread.
😄 😄 😄
What did the donuts do on their date?
They glazed into each other’s eyes.
😄 😄 😄
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
😄 😄 😄
