What do you call a little guy in a pointy hat on a train saying “tick, tick, tick”?
A metro-gnome.
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My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says “Oh, do it yourself!”.
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Your mama so dumb she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.
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I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I’m paying for it.
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My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
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Two goats are eating garbage.
The first one finds a roll of film and eats it.
When he’s done, the second one asks, “How did you like the movie?”
The first one responds, “It was OK, but I liked the book better.”
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Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their boats?
So when they come back to port they can...
Scandinavian.
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My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year.
He said he’ll be wearing the same kilt as the groom.
I love the idea, but I’m really not sure how they’re both going to fit into it.
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As cold as a witch’s tit in a brass bra.
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Dating me is like being in a mental asylum.
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How do Death Eaters freshen their breath?
With Dementos.
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You can’t fit inside a tuna can.
But a tuna can.
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What did the dragon say to the bad employee?
You’re fired.
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I’m an annoying on the outside, but I’m like an onion.
You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying.
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It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
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What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?
Existential dreads!
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The real space question that not even NASA can answer is why do we classify Uranus as a planet and not as a black hole?
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What is Loki’s least favorite day of the week?
Thor’s Day.
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What does Bob Marley say to his friends when they come around for donuts and coffee?
“I hope you like jam in too.”
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You are so dumb you tried to alphabetize M&Ms.
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