A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.
“Hello mate,” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven.”
“What?” Exclaims the man, astonished.
St. Peter: “You heard, no Man Utd fans.”
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man,” replies the Man Utd supporter.
“Oh really,” says St. Peter. “What have you done, then?”
“Well,” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.”
“Oh,” says St. Peter. “Anything else?”
“Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.”
“Hmmm. Anything else?”
“Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty quid back, now screw off.”
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Your hairline so far back, I learned about it in history class.
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How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code.
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What do you call a fisherman who owns a slave?
A Master Baiter.
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Why does the fungus always win the argument?
Because they don’t leave mush-rooms for debate.
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Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion.
Yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel.
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A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he needs a haircut and doesn’t have much extra time.
He remembers there’s a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he’s back on his way.
A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.
“Hello again, Sir,” the barber says. “What can I do for you?”
“Oh, I’d like another haircut, but I’m awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?”
“Of course,” says the barber. “Anything you want. Take a seat.”
The businessman sits down.
“So what would you like?” asks the barber.
“Well, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.
For my mustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitler’s.
Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.
I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.
Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.
When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.
Blend the sides in, but don’t blend in the back.
And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.”
The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.
“I can’t do all that!” he says.
“Why not?” the businessman asks. “That’s what you did last time.”
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I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms.
But it was a shii-take!
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Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?
He kept listing the cause of death as birth.
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What do you call a crab that throws things?
A lobster.
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A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.
“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”
“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.
“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”
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What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.
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The Laws of Engineering
1. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
3. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. If you can’t fix it—document it.
4. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the servicemen.
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Uranus can really bring the gas.
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I went out to a seafood restaurant the other day.
My friend ate all the prawns. Rather shellfish of him.
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Remember Dexter, who was going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson?
Not sure which race yet.
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What do you call a lizard that hates Fortnite YouTubers?
An Ali-hater.
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I went on a date with a dentist last night.
At the end of the date, she said she’d had a great time and she’d like to see me again in 6 month’s time.
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Why do violists stand for long periods outside people’s houses?
They can’t find the key, and they don’t know when to come in.
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What kind of monkey doesn’t eat bananas?
An orangutan.
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