If you stare at the American flag long enough you’ll see a 3D image of Chuck Norris.
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Two retired British Army officers are speaking.
1st officer: “Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”
2nd officer: “I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”
1st officer: “I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village, and armed with my rifle we set out.
Several hours into the hunt and deep in a mangrove swamp, we stumbled upon fresh tracks.
It was not more than a few minutes of tracking the great beast when we heard it—a low, guttural sound from behind.
I quickly turned and as I readied my rifle, the tiger leaped from the shadows, teeth, and claws bared. Rrrraaaaaarrrrrr! I shat my pants.”
2nd officer: “Of course, you shat your pants, old chap. You were attacked by a Bengal Tiger!”
1st officer: “No, right now when I went ‘Rrrraaaaaarrrrr!’.”
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What do you call a group of blue whales?
A pod of blues.
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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.
It’s now called Red Bull.
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What do you call an Indian doctor who likes telling dad jokes and give flu shots?
Pun-Jabby.
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“Do you know who is coming to our party later on?”
“Yeah, Dee is.”
“Dee, who?”
“DEEZ NUTS!“
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Yo momma is so fat you have to make two lightspeed jumps just to get on her good side.
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“Our face is kinda similar to a planet…”
“Oh yeah. Which one?”
“Uranus.”
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I missed a question on my biology exam today.
The question was: What are commonly found in cells?
I guess “prisoners” wasn’t the right answer.
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911 operator: “911.”
“Hello, my wife was cooking dinner, and she fell,” says the husband.
“What’s the emergency?”
The husband replies, “How do I know when the rice is ready?”
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Why can’t your nose be 14 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
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My brother has a pilot’s license but only uses it for private flights. So he placed advertisements all over the plane.
Now he flies commercial.
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What do you call a detective electrician?
Sherlock Ohms.
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What do you get if you cross a porcupine with a balloon?
Pop!
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What’s the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?
Deer balls. They’re under a buck.
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Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”
Student: “My father’s checkbook.”
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Why do Polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can’t spell toboggan.
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What do the San Francisco 49ers playoff run and the Civil War have in common?
Both of them were ended by a man named Sherman.
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I’ve been listening to Harry Styles’ new music recently and I must say...
He has gotten a lot better ever since he went in the other direction.
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Why is an alien like a collection of famous actors’ autographs?
They’ve both come from the stars.
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