A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.
“What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.
“Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised.
“Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “you’ll win!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the largest species of ants?
Gi-ants.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?
Lucky.
😄 😄 😄
Ohayo means “good morning” in Japanese.
And that is the most interesting thing about Ohio.
😄 😄 😄
When asked the temperature I enjoy giving it in Kelvin.
I’m losing my friends by degrees.
😄 😄 😄
A colonoscopy doctor walks into the bank.
He says to the banker, “I’d like to deposit a check.”
The banker says, “Sure but I’m going to need you to sign here.”
The doctor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer.
He then says, “Dammit, some asshole took my pen!”
😄 😄 😄
911 operator: “911.”
“Hello, my wife was cooking dinner, and she fell,” says the husband.
“What’s the emergency?”
The husband replies, “How do I know when the rice is ready?”
😄 😄 😄
Do not be racist, be like Mario.
He’s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
😄 😄 😄
What is the difference between Pokémon Go and Tinder?
On Pokémon Go you swipe up to try and capture fake characters in a virtual world.
On Tinder, you swipe right.
😄 😄 😄
There’s a reason our nose is in the middle of our face.
It’s because that’s the scenter.
😄 😄 😄
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
😄 😄 😄
What is a moth’s favorite type of glasses?
Lampshades.
😄 😄 😄
“Knock! Knock!”
“Who’s there?”
“Dee.”
“Dee, who?”
“DEEZ NUTS!”
😄 😄 😄
My favorite geology professor died today.
My sediments are with his family.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the name of the Democratic skeleton from Brooklyn, New York who’s running for president?
Bony Sanders.
😄 😄 😄
What do aliens like to eat?
Unidentified frying objects!
😄 😄 😄
How does a man from Alabama hold up his pants?
With a bible belt.
😄 😄 😄
Scientists have discovered that, on occasion, an octopus will “punch” a fish for no reason other than spite.
That’s called Toxic Molluskulinity.
😄 😄 😄
It is hotter than jalapenos and spice on rye.
😄 😄 😄
My uncle always refused to obey his controlling wife.
He was defy-aunt.
😄 😄 😄
