What would you call a small scoop of ice cream?
A uni-cone.
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A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: “Yoooo, I ordered a pizza, and it came with no toppings on it or anything, it’s just bread!”
Domino’s: “We’re sorry to hear about this.”
Customer (minutes later): “Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down...”
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I can’t decide if I want to watch the original Star Trek of The Next Generation.
I guess you could say I’m stuck between a Spock and a Picard place.
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I asked Alexa what women want.
This thing has been talking for six hours.
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I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway.
Just in case there’s a traffic jam.
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I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.
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I don’t know why people expect to find aliens in Area 51.
Trump would have deported them by now!
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What is a cactus’s favorite Minions movie?
Des-prick-able Me.
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In the UK most people complain about the bad weather.
But Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.
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What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?
Phil Ming.
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The sun and moon walked into a coffee shop.
Sun: “Oh man, I forgot my wallet!”
Moon: “Don’t worry, I’ll cover you.”
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There’s a hair in my wine.
The grapes must have been fur-mented.
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Why did the disgruntled hot dog vendor quit his job?
He just didn’t relish it.
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Why was the flu feeling down?
It didn’t feel like it was being taken snot-seriously.
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Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
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Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere!
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What did the blue tie say to the little red dress?
“You go ahead, I’ll just hang around.”
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Why do people think vampire always have the flu?
Because they be coffin all day.
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The electrician’s favorite ice cream flavor is shock-a-lot.
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?!” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.
“We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like Heck, they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.
“They’re coming for Easter and paying their own way.”
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