Best Jokes (95)



What do you call a person from Portugal?

Portuguese.

What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?

Portugeezer.

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A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.

I took in a breath and asked aloud, β€œWhat’s that smell?”

She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, β€œChanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away.

About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.

She turns to me and asks, β€œWhat’s that smell?”

I say, β€œBroccoli, $1.49 a pound.”

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Yesterday I had an Adele chocolate Easter Bunny.

The first half was delicious, but it was hollow from the other side.

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I went to a blues concert dressed in all black.

I guess I wasn’t feeling very blues-sympathetic.

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Why don’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

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What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?

Air conditioner.

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What’s Thanksgiving?

Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.

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What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?

Spook-hetti!

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What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

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Guess what happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

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What do you call a boring person from Finland?

A dolphin.

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When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.

So I rang her and said, β€œGuess what, I won the jackpot.”

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Yo mama’s so fat that even the Death Star couldn’t blow her up!

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My pet bird was frantically tweeting, so I gave him some food.

How he signed up for that Twitter account I’ll never know.

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I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.

Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

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The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, β€œI’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk.”

The wasted wino asked, β€œOfficer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. β€œLet’s go.”

Obviously relieved, the wino said, β€œThat’s a reliefβ€”I thought I was a cripple.”

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Why couldn’t the joker enter the shop?

Because there was a board outside stating β€œNo funny business”.

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Didn’t Snoop Dogg change his name?

Or was Snoop Lyin’?!

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Did you know the seagull was gods third attempt at creating the bird.

The A-gull and B-gull weren’t quite right.

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Yo mama’s so weak-minded that I got her to lead me to Jabba without using a Jedi mind trick!

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