Being vegan is so easy that I literally just stare at the sun and I’m satisfied.
Thanks, photosynthesis.
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I threw away my can opener.
It was more of a can’t opener.
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Mauricio Pochettino and Erik Ten Hag have each been given advent calendars and need to be shown the door.
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The artist was great.
He could always draw a crowd.
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What do you call a Chinese lobster?
A crust-asian.
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Can’t see an end. I have no control and I don’t think there’s an escape. I don’t even have a home anymore.
Think it’s time for a new keyboard.
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Chuck Norris can punch you in the back of the face.
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Our local politician just opened a neighborhood pharmacy store.
He is now a piller of the community.
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In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.
On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...
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A man was fishing in the jungle.
After a while another angler came to join him.
“Have you had any bites?” asked the second man.
“Yes, lots,” replied the first one, “but they were all mosquitoes.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Baby owl.”
“Baby owl, who?”
“Baby owl see you later.”
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You can’t lose weight by talking about it.
You need to keep your mouth shut.
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My neighbor rang my door bell at 3 AM this morning. Can you believe it! 3 AM!!
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
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The attorney kept trying to sue the car dealership over their faulty vehicles.
It was a case of lemon-law.
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Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
But they needed to sea mine.
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Me: “Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?”
Siri: “This is Alexa.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
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I’ve tried calling Stephen Hawking many times.
I keep getting his answering machine.
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What’s the fastest speed at which a seahorse swims?
At a scallop.
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I am sweating like an igloo in an oven.
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