Best Jokes (95)



What do you call a sad blueberry?

A blueberry muffin.

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Politicians are like diapers.

They need to be changed often, and for the same reasons.

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My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space.

I mean, what a thing to say to a friend. It totally ruined our bath!

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When do vampires like horse racing?

When it’s neck and neck.

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What do you get when you mix a motorbike with a joke?

A Yamahaha.

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What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?

A timber wolf.

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, β€œI brought some water so we don’t get dehydrated.”

The redhead says, β€œI brought some suntan lotion so we don’t get sunburned.”

Then the blonde says, β€œI brought a car door.”

The other girls ask, β€œWhy did you bring that?”

The blonde says, β€œSo I can roll down the window if it gets hot.”

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Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?

Because there were so many knights.

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Why does the mushroom always get invited to birthday parties?

He’s a fun-gi.

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What do you call a red-haired baker?

The ginger bread man.

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At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.

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What’s a koala’s favorite end-of-the-world food?

Apocalyptus.

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How does a hip replacement like to relax?

By taking a jointΒ vacation.

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Why did the employee get a camel in the office building?

Because the boss said, β€œBring in the hump day.”

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What’s faster: lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

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Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?

He came in with buns glazing.

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For April Fools, my girlfriend replaced my Alpha-Bits with Cheerios.

I have no words to say how angry I am.

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Why shouldn’t you worry about gaining a few extra pounds?

Fat people are harder to kidnap.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œJuliet.”

β€œJuliet, who?”

β€œJuliet pancakes for breakfast.”

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What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic.

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