Yo mom’s so fat Luke couldn’t believe she wasn’t a moon!
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What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?
Why so Sirius?
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You know you’re 40 when you have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize.
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A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,” and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.
She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, “Look, lady, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already.”
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Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor?
Everybody.
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What did you tell the shopkeeper at the grocery store?
Donut mind me, I am here for the hole food.
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What did the alien think of the anti-gravity book?
He couldn’t put it down!
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What do you call a 60-year-old who hasn’t reached puberty?
A late boomer.
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What do you call an exploration mission to Uranus?
Colonoscopy.
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Why did the peanut butter and jelly get into a fight?
Because they couldn’t agree on which bread to use.
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Can you guess what the calendar worker got fired for?
He took a day off without telling anyone!
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The tree hated losing its foliage in September.
When it grew back in March, he was so re-lieved.
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What are the official sea creatures of National Pi Day?
Octopi.
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When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.
Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.
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Losing a wife can be very tough.
Some may even say impossible.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Anita.”
“Anita, who?”
“Anita piece of that birthday cake!”
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I went to watch Spider-Man playing baseball.
He was great at catching flies.
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What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don’t know, lettuce sea.
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What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Plenty of room.
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A boxer was throwing nothing but right hooks at a punching bag.
His trainer walked up and asked, “What gives?”
The boxer replied, “I’m exercising my rights.”
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