What do you call Spider-Man with 20 eyes?
Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider-Man.
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Rise and shine!
If mornings were a sport, I’d be the MVP of hitting the ‘sleep’ button.
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Husband: “I got a package with bullets and Arabic note today.”
Wife: “Idiot! These are suppositories and the note from the doctor!”
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Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.
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A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.
“Hello mate,” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven.”
“What?” Exclaims the man, astonished.
St. Peter: “You heard, no Man Utd fans.”
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man,” replies the Man Utd supporter.
“Oh really,” says St. Peter. “What have you done, then?”
“Well,” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.”
“Oh,” says St. Peter. “Anything else?”
“Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.”
“Hmmm. Anything else?”
“Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty quid back, now screw off.”
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Chuck Norris gets 4-wheel drive out of his bicycle.
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What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
They gave him the cold shoulder.
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Me: “Good night, kids!”
Kids: “Good night, dad!”
Me: “Good night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!”
Wife (through radio under the bed): “Good night!”
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Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.
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Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
Because the chicken had his eggs.
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Bowlers do not make good employees.
This is because 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
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Did you hear about the Spanish woman who is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“What do you mean if I can read this?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the dude.”
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Thanks to the coronavirus, we can now explain calling Gen Z “Zoomers”.
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What do you call a retired old cowboy?
De-ranged.
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I lost my pet dolphin.
Now my life has no porpoise.
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How does a lobster answer the phone?
“Shello?”
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Dating me is basically just being asked the most outrageous hypothetical questions like 10 times a day.
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An alien drops by the White House and exclaims, “Take me to your leader.”
The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.
“Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!” calls a Senator.
“You are right,” responds the alien.
“See you on Thursday!”
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