What’s the lazy baker’s favorite recipe?
Loaf bread.
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An Indian walks into a café with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Me in training for upper management: come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.”
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At the IRS audit.
IRS: “According to your tax return, you claim got money for nothing and checks for free.”
Taxpayer: “Am I in trouble for that?”
IRS: “We’d say you’re in dire straits.”
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A preschool teacher asked her students in class, “Who can count from one to ten?”
Little 3-year-old Timmy swiftly raised his hand, “I can!” and started counting, “One, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!”
The teacher is impressed, “Well done Timmy! Who taught you that?”
“My uncle Bobby!” Timmy said.
“Can you count past ten?” The teacher asked Timmy.
“That’s easy!” Timmy continued, “Jack, Queen, King…”
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When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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What are Schrodinger’s cat’s pronouns?
Is/isn’t.
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Guess what coffee and motivational coaches have in common?
They encourage people to espresso themselves!
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My addiction to helium is out of control, but...
No one is taking my cries for help seriously.
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What do you call a bug that hesitates before biting something?
A nervous tick.
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What do you say at a robot funeral?
Rust in peace.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly disappointing.
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One eye told the other, “Between you and me, something smells.”
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It’s hotter than a dog looking at a fire hydrant.
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A soapbox orator addresses a crowd on the glories of communism, “Come the revolution, everyone will eat strawberries and cream!”
A man at the front whimpers, “But I don’t like strawberries and cream...”
The speaker thunders, “Come the revolution, you will like strawberries and cream!”
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How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
10. 1 to change the lightbulb and the other 9 to say “I could do that”.
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I love my motorcycle, it’s great for getting to the front of queues quicker.
It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.
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What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
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What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
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Can you guess where that famous painter’s ear went?
Not sure, but I saw it get in a Van and Gogh!
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Yo momma so fat she prevents ships from going to hyperspace.
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