Apparently, describing the beautiful city of Hiroshima as “The bomb” is not okay.
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Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.
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There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, “What’s your secret?” The guy whispers, “All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants.”
In a flourish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants.
But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror.
Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and desperately asks, “Why are all the girls running away from me?”
The first guy looks up and replies, “The pickle’s on the wrong side.”
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Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
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What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Paddy O’furniture.
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What does the light bulb say when it’s being unscrewed?
“I’m feeling delighted...”
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Perfect Boyfriend:
· Does not drink.
· Does not smoke.
· Does not cheat.
· Does not exist.
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I was invited to go play Dungeons and Dragons. I was told I needed to pick a race and a class for my character. So I picked white and middle.
Apparently that’s not how it’s played, but I just think they know I’d win.
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Yo mamma’s so ugly they cut her Cantina scenes in Star Wars.
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A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.
The bartender immediately tells them, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food here.”
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Did you hear about the pharmacist who got hit with a bottle of omega-3?
They are okay, the injuries were superfishoil.
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What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
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What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist?
It is a great peach of work.
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What’s a drummer’s favorite vegetable?
Beets.
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Two guys are walking through a national park and they come across a bear that has not eaten for days.
The bear sees the two men and starts chasing them. They run as fast as they can.
One guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this bear into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the bear is still chasing, and he sees the bear on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the bear.
As he comes closer to the bear, he hears it saying a prayer, “Thank you, Lord, for the food I am about to receive.”
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A mechanical engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire.
The purchasing agent says, “We need to buy a new tire.”
The mechanical engineer says, “No, I think I can fix this one.”
And the software engineer says, “Let’s drive on it for a while, maybe it’ll fix itself.”
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I sued the airport the other day because they didn’t want to give me my luggage.
Guess what, I lost the case.
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One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God. “Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun. “They’re so hard to peel.”
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Why did the cat like eating lemons?
Because he was a sourpuss.
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How does Uranus like its coffee?
Black, with a little bit of gas.
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