They say today is Pi Day.
But for me, it will always be cake day!
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How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
The players don’t yell “Fore!” they yell “$3.99!”.
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Went to a hot dog convention hoping to meet some women.
But it turned out to be a sausage fest.
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Yo mama so fat she needs a CDL to drive her wheelchair.
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85% of people in America don’t know basic math.
Thanks God I’m from the other 25%.
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I wrote a novel about religious women.
The library put it in the nun fiction section.
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What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says “Spit your gum out!” and the train says “Chew, chew!”
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Yo mama is so fat she did the Kessel run instantly because she is on both sides of it.
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Where do late sailors come from?
Missed-his-shippi.
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What’s the difference between Netflix and a Bass guitar?
Netflix has Stranger Things 4 and a Bass guitar has 4 Strange Strings.
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Yo Mama so stupid she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.
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Hey, guess what I am drinking tonight?
Nothing because I am already drunk on you.
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Your sister is so ugly when she sits on the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
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One day the queen wanted a haircut.
No barber in England would do it. Why?
God shave the Queen.
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Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”
“Don’t get up,” said the Army Ranger, “I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.”
As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Ranger’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, “That looks good, I’d really like one, too.”
Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Ranger’s other shoe and spat in it.
When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“Why does it have to be this way?” he asked. “How long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?”
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There was a young pregnant woman. Her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.
She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.
So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly, “Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank you.”
She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!
The woman continued to wait for her newborn and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months, and years passed, the baby never came!
Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.
They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:
“You go first!”
“No, you go first!”
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The worst part about being a giraffe...
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
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One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home, he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice, he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs, he looked back and shouted, “I thought you’d be tougher than that, Batman!”
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Lava is the hipster of the geology community.
It knew how to rock before it was cool.
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I thought about dying my hair blue for a change.
But it turned out to be more of a blue-hair affair.
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