How do crabs get around on land?
They use the sidewalk.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hammond.”
“Hammond, who?”
“Hammond eggs for breakfast please!”
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I’m not a morning person or a night owl.
I’m a permanently exhausted pigeon just trying to get through the day.
Good morning!
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What’s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
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What do you call a fisherman who owns a slave?
A Master Baiter.
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An Australian aboriginal is doing a bit of fishing when he notices a massive mud crab out of season.
As quick as can be, he grabs the mud crab and throws it in the trunk of his car.
At that moment, a Department of Fisheries ranger observes Paddy—the aboriginal—putting the mud crab into the trunk of his car.
“Oi, you can’t do that! I saw what you have there. You’ve got a mud crab in the trunk. It isn’t mud crab season. I’ll find you!” Paddy says, “No way, mate. It isn’t what it looks like. This mud crab is my pet. His name is Marty. Every day, I take him down here for a swim. I’ll show you.” So he took the mud crab and put it in the water. The mud crab scuttled away and disappeared. “Well, where is he?” asked the ranger. Paddy: “Where’s what?”
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My local store sells clothes made of bricks.
It’s a hardware store.
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Did you hear about the mermaid who decided to join human society?
Despite her efforts, others still viewed her as a fish out of water.
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I’m balding and that makes me sad. But thanks to the miracle of science...
I take antidepressants and now I’m never sad!
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I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said, “Wow, that’s cool!”
And he replied, “Sorry, ma’am, it can only warm.”
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A golden rule of the wife:
There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.
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My wife mentioned that she couldn’t remember if she took her anti-anxiety medication.
I asked if she was worried about it.
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A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
“I did, they’re in your tackle box.”
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When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you are eating a watermelon.
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Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.
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The economy is so bad, if the bank returns your check marked “insufficient funds”, you call and ask if they meant you or them.
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A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit.
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.
The wolf turns to the moose and says, “Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It’s been a couple days without food. You understand, right?”
The moose says, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I’ve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?”
The wolf says, “Of course.”
So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.
The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says, “I don’t even know why the hell I looked. I can’t even read.”
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It is said regarding motivation that “the first step is always the hardest”.
As someone with plantar fasciitis, I could not agree more.
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A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad. Her mother asks her what’s wrong.
She says, “Bill proposed to me an hour ago.”
Her mother asks, “Why are you so sad then?”
The girl replies, “Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother says, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
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I get plenty of exercise:
jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
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