Remember the sign at McDonald’s that said, “We do not accept bills over $20.”
Trust me, if we had more than $20, we wouldn’t be eating at McDonald’s.
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Your head is so big that you need to be careful to stay away from needles and pins, so it doesn’t pop.
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Why do frogs love St. Patrick’s Day?
They’re always wearing green.
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What do Indians, Pilgrims, and Puritans have in common?
The letter ‘I’.
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I’m in a really boring geology class.
I dust can’t sand it.
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How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M’s are protesting?
They start painting the m letters upside-down.
How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M’s are protesting really hard?
They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.
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Why did Uranus start a comedy club?
Because it wanted to be the butt of all jokes.
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Little Johnny’s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees Little Johnny pulling faces at another child.
She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, “Johnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”
Little Johnny looks up to her and says, “Well miss, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.”
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What do you call a little guy in a pointy hat on a train saying “tick, tick, tick”?
A metro-gnome.
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My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says “Oh, do it yourself!”.
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Your mama so dumb she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.
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I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I’m paying for it.
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My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
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Two goats are eating garbage.
The first one finds a roll of film and eats it.
When he’s done, the second one asks, “How did you like the movie?”
The first one responds, “It was OK, but I liked the book better.”
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Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their boats?
So when they come back to port they can...
Scandinavian.
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My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year.
He said he’ll be wearing the same kilt as the groom.
I love the idea, but I’m really not sure how they’re both going to fit into it.
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As cold as a witch’s tit in a brass bra.
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Dating me is like being in a mental asylum.
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How do Death Eaters freshen their breath?
With Dementos.
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You can’t fit inside a tuna can.
But a tuna can.
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