A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.
“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”
“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.
“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”
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What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.
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The Laws of Engineering
1. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
3. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. If you can’t fix it—document it.
4. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the servicemen.
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Uranus can really bring the gas.
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I went out to a seafood restaurant the other day.
My friend ate all the prawns. Rather shellfish of him.
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Remember Dexter, who was going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson?
Not sure which race yet.
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What do you call a lizard that hates Fortnite YouTubers?
An Ali-hater.
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I went on a date with a dentist last night.
At the end of the date, she said she’d had a great time and she’d like to see me again in 6 month’s time.
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Why do violists stand for long periods outside people’s houses?
They can’t find the key, and they don’t know when to come in.
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What kind of monkey doesn’t eat bananas?
An orangutan.
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I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year.
They chose a hot dog... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
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It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
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Some cyclists are like clowns:
They dress funny.
They don’t follow any rules.
If anything bad happens to them, everyone laughs at them.
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What do you call an Italian mosquito?
Malario.
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Hiroshima Nagasaki was nothing more than the result of Chuck Norris’ skydiving in Japan.
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What do you call the science dedicated to studying Uranus?
Asstronomy.
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What did the squirrel say on Labor Day weekend?
“Time to get nutty!”
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Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”
“Yes, my master, I have.”
“And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”
“Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”
And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”
“Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”
“That is the problem. You keep watching all this poop instead of training!”
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Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.
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What code does a depressed programmer write?
“Goodbye, world!”
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