What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
The ambulance.
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Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
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Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?
Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.
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What is the best way to sleep the night before an exam?
I sleep next to my notes, sincerely hoping they transfer into my brain by osmosis.
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Marriage is love.
Love is blind.
Marriage is an institution.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
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How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don’t know, it’s never happened.
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After I spoke with the tax auditor, I slept like a baby.
I woke up every hour and cried.
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Six years ago, I DMed my facebook crush, telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times and blocked me.
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What are Michael Jackson’s pronouns?
He/Hee.
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I was stuck in traffic outside Washington, DC this morning. No one was moving at all.
Then this guy knocked on my window.
I rolled it down and said, “What’s happening?”
He said, “Terrorists have taken the entire US Congress hostage, and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if they’re not paid a 100 million dollar ransom. We’re going from car to car collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving?” I asked.
He said, “About a gallon.”
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What state is always surprised to see you?
Ohio.
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Yo mamma’s so ugly Rancors look at her and go “Damn, dude, she’s UGLY!”.
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Why couldn’t the computer science student read his textbook?
He couldn’t find page 404.
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I just saw a squirrel bury a nut in my back yard.
I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a chocolate bar.
That’ll blow his mind.
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Where do late sailors come from?
Missed-his-shippi.
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
He wanted to get to the bottom.
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What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?
Aria 51.
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What do you call six witches in a Jacuzzi?
A self-cleaning coven.
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What is a pressing thought of every pig?
“Why do all bacon get cooked and cookies get baked?”
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Your mama’s so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
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