What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?
Done!
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What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
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Harry Potter needs 8 movies to seek and destroy Voldemort.
Chuck Norris needs 4 seconds.
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What is the favorite fruit of feminists?
Mangoes.
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I saw an interview with Sean Connery about how he used to scuba dive for seafood.
He said, “Every time I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically searching for a place to hide, so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself...
that’s shellfish.”
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What do you call it when you can’t stop looking at Pinterest on your phone?
Pin-diction.
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What happens to Minecraft characters when they turn 16?
They grow cubic hair.
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Guess what the name of my new computer processor is?
Chip.
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Why was the little strawberry crying?
Because his parents were in a jam.
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“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hey, I know it’s been a week since Halloween is over, but I’m seriously starting to doubt the body hanging from my neighbor’s tree is not a decoration.”
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I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school, and my friend asked, “You play an instrument?”
I replied, “Yeah, I play a little guitar.”
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I asked my boss if things were looking up with our company.
And he said the future was blue-skied and full of possibility.
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They’re vaccinating against bird flu again.
Call it a rooster shot.
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Did you hear about the fan who just bought Taylor Swift’s hair comb in an online auction?
It’s his closest brush with fame.
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What did the space alien tell Franz Schubert?
“Take me to your Lieder!”
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What is the difference between a Chelsea fan and a Battery?
A battery has a positive side.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Doughnut.”
“Doughnut, who?”
“Doughnut forget to close the door!”
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Knick-knack paddywhack, guess what that old man gave his dog?
A bone.
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I went to the DIY store the other week and asked in which section I could find tools, bricks and tiles.
The guy said they were under Construction.
I asked when they would be finished.
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Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.
“A lemon tree, my dear Wat-son.”
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