Your father must have been the greatest thief in history.
He stole all the stars in the sky and put them in your eyes.
And heh, I guess it runs in the family. ’Cause you stole my heart.
😄 😄 😄
So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him, “What do you want your last meal to be?”
“Strawberries,” he responds.
“But it’s winter. We can’t get strawberries until spring.”
“Eh... I’ll wait.”
😄 😄 😄
Remember that one time when you had to get out of bed and actually commute to your office?
Yeah, me neither.
😄 😄 😄
Accidentally got some guacamole in my eyes.
And now I think I have guacoma.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they’re usually a little short.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man 1: “Homecoming”
Spider-Man 2: “Far from Home”
Spider-Man 3: “Homeless”
😄 😄 😄
One day, a mother sends her son to the market to get some groceries.
She tells him, “You need you to go to the store and get a gallon of milk. If they have avocados, get 6.”
The autistic one comes back with 6 gallons of milk and tells her, “They had avocados.”
😄 😄 😄
Why am I so hot right now?
Because there’s a sunflower near me.
😄 😄 😄
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence.
He pulls him out and says, “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”
The Mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, “I’m going to make it hard for him.”
He says, “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence. The three words are ‘green’, ‘pink’, and ‘yellow’.”
The Mexican man thinks, then says, “Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez “yellow?”.”
😄 😄 😄
It’s so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.
😄 😄 😄
Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?
New Jersey.
😄 😄 😄
I met my wife while we were working at the same museum.
Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the half of a mermaid that washed up on shore?
It’s only a tale.
😄 😄 😄
I made a blue smoothie today.
It was berry good.
😄 😄 😄
My teacher told me I couldn’t make a joke about Uranus in class.
But hey, it’s my orbit!
😄 😄 😄
How many marketers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they’ve automated it.
😄 😄 😄
A small Irish man escaped from prison today.
He’s a leprechaun-vict.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a car’s favorite meal?
Brake-fast.
😄 😄 😄
I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden.
I realized that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.
😄 😄 😄
