Next time someone complains about Millennials, remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hard-wood floors.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Irish.”
“Irish, who?”
“Irish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner!”
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A German man was visiting the UK.
He asked a local if they knew what the number for the police was.
The local said 999.
The German man walked away and asked another local for the number.
Again, he got the same response.
Confused, he complained about how no one knew the police number.
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I’m sticking with my citrus diet until June.
Cumquat May.
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Why’d the giant octopus eat two ships filled with potatoes?
Because you can’t eat just one potato ship.
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Chhattisgarh Minister: “The voters will get electric shock if they don’t vote/press the button for Congress.
Villagers: “At least, electricity will come under this pretext.”
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A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.
Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him, “Why the long face?”
The salesman replied, “I failed in Saudi Arabia. The campaign was a total failure.”
“Why is that?” asked the friend. “I thought you had a good campaign running.”
“Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the Saudis. But I had a problem—I didn’t speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhaustion; he has fainted.
Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.
I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldn’t go anywhere without seeing them.”
“Terrific! That should have worked!” said the friend.
“It should have,” sighed the salesman. “Only no one told me they read from right to left…”
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What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?
I come in pieces.
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Yo mama so dumb when she got locked in a grocery store she starved to death.
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What’s the most common operation in a Lego hospital?
Plastic surgery.
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Are you from Paris?
Because Eiffel for you.
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What did Santa get the day after Christmas?
Diabetes.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lenny.”
“Lenny, who?”
“Lenny know when you’re done with these April Fools’ Day jokes.”
😄 😄 😄
“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
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How can you tell a boy dragon from a girl dragon?
Fireballs.
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Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.
I hate Bounty Hunters.
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In honor of St. Patrick’s day, I’m here to tell you everything I know about leprechauns.
Very little.
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Marriage is love.
Love is blind.
Marriage is an institution.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
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What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the carpenter take time off on Labor Day?
He needed to hammer out his vacation plans.
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