At least you’ll never go broke...
You can always rent out parking spots on your forehead.
😄 😄 😄
Which baseball manager was arrested for arson as a teenager and retains his jailhouse nickname to this day?
Sparky Anderson.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat that the passengers of the Millenium Falcon mistook her for a small moon.
😄 😄 😄
Why do News Channels love April Fools’ Day?
Because it’s socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
😄 😄 😄
How does a lobster answer the phone?
“Shello?”
😄 😄 😄
Your sister is so fat her Apple Watch is an iPad Pro on a rope.
😄 😄 😄
The therapist said to me, “Your wife has complained that you never buy her flowers, what do you say to that?”
I said, “To be honest, I had no idea my wife even sold flowers.”
😄 😄 😄
Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly disappointing.
😄 😄 😄
What did the ice cream say to the grumpy birthday cake?
What’s eating you?
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dumb carnivore?
A meathead.
😄 😄 😄
I didn’t know that Covid-19 was a thing until I saw your eyebrows and your hairline social distancing.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so ugly she made One Direction go in another direction.
😄 😄 😄
I get plenty of exercise:
jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
😄 😄 😄
A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.
So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a flying pig?
Swine flu.
😄 😄 😄
Broccoli looks into the trunk of his car.
He sees an extra tire and exclaims, “Oh! I have a-spar-a-gus!”
😄 😄 😄
So I’m in IKEA and I ask the salesperson, “Is this a finished desk?”
And she says, “No, it’s Swedish.”
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend’s such a bad cook.
She uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between Netflix and a Bass guitar?
Netflix has Stranger Things 4 and a Bass guitar has 4 Strange Strings.
😄 😄 😄
A man and wife are at a volleyball game when they notice a very affectionate couple, who are running their hands over each other passionately.
“I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,” says the man.
“Watch them!” says his wife. “You already know how to play volleyball.”
😄 😄 😄
