A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding.
The cop said, “Do you know how fast you were going, Sir?”
The guy replied, “I was just trying to keep up with the traffic.”
The cop said, “There is no traffic, Sir.”
The guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am?!”
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Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic.
But it was a false salaam.
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The bird developed an illness.
I think it started when the bird flu.
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What do aliens spread on their toast?
Space jam.
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Why did the watermelon go crazy?
He lost his rind.
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I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
They smell just like burned toast.
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I bet you a dollar I can kiss you on the mouth without touching your lips.
...I guess I owe you a dollar.
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What kind of car does an electrician drive?
A Volts-wagon.
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Why is Yoda such a good gardener?
Because he has green fingers.
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Marvel Studios is now against hair coloring.
In fact, their next film is about a group of people that never dye.
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Many were curious about how methane ended up on Mars.
I’m pretty sure it was because of Uranus.
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I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.
I just really feel the words a lot more.
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Dating me is like IKEA furniture.
Not well put together, slightly unstable but just aesthetic enough to show your friends.
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A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
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What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
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In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she.
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I what is a crackers weight measured in?
In grahams.
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How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. She calls the emergency number and demands that a police officer come and do something about the intimidating blackness.
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Where do you smart hot dogs go?
On the honor role.
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I hit 2 good balls today on the golf course.
I stepped on a rake in the bunker.
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