Best Jokes (95)



Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man.

He’s always looking over his shoulder.

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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, β€œThis is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, β€œThe curlers are on me.”

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What do you call a blue owl?

A hoo-dini.

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I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.

I prefer them poached.

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Millennial superstitions:

If your phone drops in the toilet bowl, you will have seven years of frustrating eyebrows.

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What did the florist say to the customer who was trying to bargain over the price of the rose bouquet?

β€œTake it or leaf it bud!”

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Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted, β€œYOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY!”

I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley.

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Passenger: β€œOne ticket to New York, please.”

Bus driver: β€œBy way of Buffalo?”

Passenger: β€œNo, by bus!”

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A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop said, β€œDo you know how fast you were going, Sir?”

The guy replied, β€œI was just trying to keep up with the traffic.”

The cop said, β€œThere is no traffic, Sir.”

The guy answered, β€œThat’s how far behind I am?!”

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Your head is so big that you got booted from the stadium for blocking the skybox views.

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What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?

Ouch!

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Yo momma’s so ugly they push her face in the dough to make Ugnaught cookies.

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I’m on a seafood diet.

I see food and I eat it.

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Guy 1: β€œYesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.”

Guy 2: β€œAnd since when is Mike your best friend?”

Guy 1: β€œYesterday.”

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Black people and Mexican people are so similar...

Once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Jamal.

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What do you call a lawyer who sings?

An opera attorney.

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Yo mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.

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How do you communicate with a fish?

You drop it a line.

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What did the angry witch do while riding her broom?

She flew off the handle.

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Which nut has the most calories for the human body?

The Donut.

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