Two mushrooms were talking about politics.
One mushroom said, “I think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”
The other said, “That’s a shiitake.”
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Yo mama is so fat she did the Kessel run instantly because she is on both sides of it.
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How do you identify a Santa in a classroom?
It is simple, check who’s erasing his notes when the teacher is cleaning the board.
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What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?
Birds are always perching on it!
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Why was everyone keeping their food on my friend’s head?
He had got a bowl cut!
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Some people wake up finding messages like “Good morning baby”.
I wake up with “Battery full, Remove charger”.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of humor?
Dark matter jokes.
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What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you will rise and shine!
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A Redskins fan, an Eagles fan, a Cowboys fan, and a Giants fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Redskins fan insists he is the most loyal.
“This is for the Redskins!” he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, “This is for the Eagles!” and throws himself off the mountain.
The Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team.
He yells, “This is for everyone!” and pushes the Cowboys fan off the mountain.
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Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?
His father was hard-boiled.
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I’ve just seen a dentist having a big row with a manicurist.
They fought tooth and nail.
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I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
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What’s a vegetable’s favorite martial art?
Carrotee!
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Why did the peanut butter and jelly break up?
Because they were always spread too thin.
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Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking.
One blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde turns and says, “Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?”
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Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.
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Why is the sun not very heavy to carry?
Because it is really very light.
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My libertarian neighbor posted a newspaper ad selling his collection of Star Trek ships.
And here I thought he believed in free Enterprise.
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What’s the difference between popcorn and pea soup?
Anyone can pop corn, but you can’t pee soup.
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Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset.
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