What if the Indians would have given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey?
We’d all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.
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If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
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Your mama’s so short that when she sat on the curb her feet didn’t touch the ground.
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What’s an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.
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I got the book “Internet Forums for Dummies” from a friend.
But I need to take it back, because I already Reddit.
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Where do bowlers go when they need a new team shirt?
New Jersey.
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Yo daddy so hairy the Addams Family thought he was Cousin Itt.
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Do mummies enjoy being mummies?
Of corpse!
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What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
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An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.
The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, “Where were you on the night of October to April?”
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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
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Our bassist never shows up for practice.
Mostly because he can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.
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A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time, the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up, but it won’t fit unless he cuts it into smaller pieces. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn’t realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal worker says, “You can’t send a salad like that, it needs adressing.”
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I just saw that Harry Potter film. I think it’s a bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? How?
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Feeling blue? A blueberry muffin can be your rescue!
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A woman goes into labor and at the hospital the doctor says, “Through the miracles of science, we’ve invented a new machine that will transfer the pain of childbirth to your husband. Would you be the first couple to try it out?”
So the husband and wife talk about it and agree that it’s only fair that they share the pain together.
They get hooked up to the machine and as she gets further along the husband gets a little skittish and says, “OK, listen, I know this is going to be super painful, so let’s start it at about 3.”
The doctor turns on the machine and before long the husband says, “Wow, this is nothing! Go ahead and turn it to 5.”
A couple more minutes go by, and again he says, “Man, this is easy, let’s go up to 7.”
The husband still sits there calmly and as the baby gets closer he says, “Gee honey, I don’t get what all the fuss is about, this is nothing. You women have been complaining about how horrible this is, but it’s a breeze. Gimme everything.”
So the doctor turns it up all the way.
The woman has the best, most painless delivery ever, and the husband just sits there like a champ with barely a grimace on his face.
Afterward, the doctor interviews them and the man is still in disbelief over how effortless it was and says he’d gladly do it all again, “I barely felt anything, men are so much tougher than women.”
Then, after the woman recovers, they gather their things and take their newborn home with them.
... and find the delivery driver lying dead on the front porch.
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Your momma’s hair is so short she curls the hair with a grain of rice.
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Don’t forget you are what you eat.
I need to eat a skinny person.
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Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.
The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?”
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The good news is Elon Musk is turning Twitter headquarters into a homeless shelter.
The bad news is it can only house 280 characters or less.
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