Best Jokes (95)



Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.

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Youโ€™re so ugly...

You are the reason Star Wars takes place in a galaxy far far away!

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How many Twitter users does it take to change a lightbulb?

30. One to change the bulb, and 29 to cancel it for being brighter than they are.

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Whatโ€™s the definition of an optimist?

A bassist player with a mortgage.

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What goes โ€œOh, Oh, Ohโ€?

Santa walking backwards!

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Why did Uranus become a rock star?

Because itโ€™s always surrounded by gas.

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What is a carnivoreโ€™s favorite bumper sticker for their car?

โ€œI love animals. They taste great.โ€

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A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.

One day, a spaceship with โ€œUFOโ€ written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.

The blondeโ€™s boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

โ€œDo you know what โ€œUFOโ€ stands for?โ€ He asks.

โ€œOf course.โ€ She replies, โ€œUnleaded Fuel Only.โ€

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I am sweating like an ice cream cone under a heat lamp.

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Husband: โ€œWhatโ€™s your most hated part of the English language?โ€

Wife: โ€œThe singular second person personal pronoun.โ€

Husband: โ€œWhat?โ€

Wife: โ€œYOU.โ€

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Why did the Java developer quit his job?

Because he didnโ€™t get arrays.

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Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œClover.โ€

โ€œClover, who?โ€

โ€œClover here and Iโ€™ll tell you.โ€

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Which store you shouldnโ€™t enter on Friday the 13th?

The ghost-ery store.

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Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œHosanna.โ€

โ€œHosanna, who?โ€

โ€œHosanna gonna fit down the chimney on Christmas Eve?โ€

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A woman walks into the Social Workerโ€™s office, trailed by 15 kids.

โ€œWOW!โ€ the social worker exclaims, โ€œAre they ALL yours?โ€

โ€œYeah, theyโ€™re all mine,โ€ the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, โ€œSit down Terry.โ€ All the children rush to find seats.

โ€œWell,โ€ says the social worker, โ€œthen you must be here to sign up. Iโ€™ll need all your childrenโ€™s names.โ€

โ€œThis oneโ€™s my oldest โ€“ he is Terry.โ€

โ€œOK, and whoโ€™s next?โ€

โ€œWell, this one he is Terry, also.โ€

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

โ€œAll right,โ€ says the caseworker, โ€œIโ€™m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?โ€

Their Mother replied, โ€œWell, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell โ€œTerry!โ€, and when itโ€™s time for dinner, I just yell โ€œTerry!โ€, and they all come running.

And if I need to stop the kid whoโ€™s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. Itโ€™s the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.โ€

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, โ€œBut what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?โ€

โ€œI call them by their surnames.โ€

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Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œAida.โ€

โ€œAida, who?โ€

โ€œAida big breakfast and now I'm stuffed.โ€

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Yo mama so poor when I stepped on a cigarette to put it out she said โ€œHey, who turned off the heat?โ€

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What was the full name of Eddie Murphyโ€™s character in Shrek?

Donkey Ho-tay!

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What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend?

A PayDay.

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A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions.

So itโ€™s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd.

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