Best Jokes (95)



Why did the llama cross the road?

Because it was the chicken’s day off.

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What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke?

The snack that’s also crack.

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Who is Greta Thunberg’s favorite comedian?

Amy Schumer, because she recycles all her jokes.

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When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hot dogs and my favorite candy.

You can’t do that these days...

Too many damned security cameras.

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A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.

Upon reaching it, one of the first things he did was go into a department store.

He found his way to the menswear department, where a young lady offered to help him.

β€œQuiero calcetines (I want socks),” said the man.

β€œI don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.

β€œNo, no quiero trajes, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want suits, I want socks),” said the man.

β€œWell, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.

β€œNo, no quiero camisas, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want shirts, I want socks),” repeated the man.

β€œI still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.

β€œNo, no quiero pantalones, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want pants, I want socks),” insisted the man.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair.

Holding them up, he proclaimed, β€œEso sΓ­ que es (Now that’s it)!”

β€œThen why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!” yelled the salesgirl.

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It’s Black Friday, and people are lining up around the block at the local Best Buy.

The people in the line beat up a well-dressed man who comes to the front of the line. He attempts it again and is knocked down.

He then mutters, β€œIf people will be like that, I’m not opening the store.”

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Why do fungi have to pay extra on the bus?

Because they take up too mush-room.

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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.

He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says, β€œWhat the hell was that all about?”

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Need a couch? Have you tried Sofa Kings?

Their prices are sofa king cheap!

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Why did ChatGPT get kicked out of school?

Because it knew too much.

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What is round, huge, and very gassy?

Uranus.

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What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A thesaurus.

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A bear walks into an ice cream shop.

Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?

Bear: Hi, I’d like a scoop of chocolate...

Ice cream man: ...

Bear: ...

Ice cream man: ...

Bear: ...chip.

Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what’s with the pause?

Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!

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Which Marvel supervillain loves being under the sun?

Tan-os.

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Two Karens are out for lunch.

The waiter approaches them and asks, β€œIs anything OK?”

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What do you call it when a whole bunch of cacti fall over?

A cac-tas-trophy.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œIce cream.”

β€œIce cream, who?”

β€œI scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

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My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

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Why don’t marketers make good chefs?

Because they’re too obsessed with serving ads rather than actual cooking.

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What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

The turkey trot.

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