I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed.
He said, βIβm not sure; itβs hard to keep track.β
π π π
A spider just crawled onto my keyboard.
Donβt worry itβs under ctrl.
π π π
I had some really terrible Arabic food today.
I tell ya, it was fal-awful!
π π π
The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
βCome on, ketch-up!β
π π π
Chuck Norris once played with Lego.
The result was The Great Pyramids.
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What do you call a Viking who canβt catch fish?
A cod-less heathen.
π π π
What did the mushroom say as he fell off a cliff?
βHelp! Iβm in truffle!β
π π π
Someone threw some butter, milk and cheese at me recently.
I thought βhow dairyβ.
Then, they threw some more mild cheese.
I thought βthatβs not very matureβ.
π π π
Did you hear about the world crossword puzzle champion who died?
He was buried six feet down and three feet across.
π π π
Who should be your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
π π π
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, βNow Iβll show you this frog in my pocket.β
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, βThatβs funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.β
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Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?
He deserted his post.
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What is dogβs favoriteΒ breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
π π π
Why does Spider-Man spin webs?
Because he doesnβt know how to knit.
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βWaffle.β
βWaffle, who?β
βWaffle lot of pancakes for breakfast?β
π π π
Iβve got a meeting with the guy who invented the progress bar during the era of dial-up internet.
Heβs going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently heβs stuck in traffic and heβs going to be here in 6 hours and 54 minutes.
Edit 2: Heβs making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.
Edit 3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days.
π π π
The Earth and the Moon were talking.
Earth: βMoon, how are you?β
Moon: ...
Earth: βMoon! Are you okay??β
Moon: βWhat? Sorry I was miles away.β
π π π
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a shekel!
π π π
Did you hear about the bingo caller who had a tumor?
Luckily, the tumor was B-9.
π π π