Yo mama so stupid I said “Kool-Aid” and she jumped through the wall.
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Santa saw your Facebook pictures...
You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
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My husband is as handsome as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein.
His name is Frankenstein.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cargo.”
“Cargo, who?”
“Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.”
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A blind man walks into a bar...
And a wall, and a tree, and a cactus.
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Your mama so ugly when she walks into a bank they turn off the cameras.
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Yo mama so stupid she thought The Exorcist was a workout video.
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What did the alien say when he was out of the room?
I’m all spaced out!
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This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
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What’s the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?
The Man U bus has more pricks.
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How do you pick a motivated astronaut dog?
It’s the one that’s always sniffing Uranus.
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Flight allows flamingos to avoid predators.
Natural selection is why flamingstays are extinct.
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I have an archaeology exam tomorrow.
And it doesn’t matter if I pass or fail because either way my future’s in ruins.
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My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.
I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.
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Why do people say donuts are made by God?
Because they are hole-y.
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I was reading a story about dragons the other day It just seemed to drag-on and on.
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All the physicists meet up in heaven and decide to play a game of hide and seek.
They decide that Fermi will be the seeker, so he closes his eyes and begins counting to 100.
All the physicists scatter, except for Newton, who calmly reaches into his pocket, takes out some chalk, and draws a square one meter on a side.
Fermi finishes counting and turns around, seeing Newton standing in his chalk square he yells, “I found Newton. Newton is out!”
Newton protests, “No, I’m Newton in a meter square—I’m Pascal. Pascal is out!”
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Why are cooks funny?
They can crack yolks.
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How is a dyslexic cow like a Buddhist monk?
Both say “ommmmmmmmm.”
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