Best Jokes (95)



What do leprechauns barbecue on St. Patrick’s Day?

Short ribs.

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Which vegetables go best with jacket potatoes?

Button mushrooms.

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Britain’s most common owl?

The teatowel.

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Why did the red panda bring a ladder?

It wanted to reach new heights-bear.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œDoughnut.”

β€œDoughnut, who?”

β€œDoughnut forget to close the door!”

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What do you call a blue cat that likes to race?

A fast purrr-ple.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œSmell mop.”

β€œSmell mop, who?”

β€œNo, I won’t smell your poo!”

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What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?

Start off with a big fortune!

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What did dad say when he got a universal remote for Father’s Day?

This changes everything!

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There was a certain knight who’d always endure all pains in battle. Guess what?

He was a Sir Vivor.

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I felt so guilty after I stepped on a moth this morning.

You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.

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I put my pants on the same way as everybody else.

Not at all because Zoom calls only see the top of the body.

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I rang work and said, β€œI can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.”

The boss said, β€œYou have a wee cough?”

I said, β€œWow, thanks, boss! See you next Wednesday!”

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If you stare at the American flag long enough you’ll see a 3D image of Chuck Norris.

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Two retired British Army officers are speaking.

1st officer: β€œSay, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”

2nd officer: β€œI dare say I’ve not heard that one.”

1st officer: β€œI decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village, and armed with my rifle we set out.

Several hours into the hunt and deep in a mangrove swamp, we stumbled upon fresh tracks.

It was not more than a few minutes of tracking the great beast when we heard itβ€”a low, guttural sound from behind.

I quickly turned and as I readied my rifle, the tiger leaped from the shadows, teeth, and claws bared. Rrrraaaaaarrrrrr! I shat my pants.”

2nd officer: β€œOf course, you shat your pants, old chap. You were attacked by a Bengal Tiger!”

1st officer: β€œNo, right now when I went β€˜Rrrraaaaaarrrrr!’.”

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What do you call a group of blue whales?

A pod of blues.

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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.

It’s now called Red Bull.

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What do you call an Indian doctor who likes telling dad jokes and give flu shots?

Pun-Jabby.

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β€‹β€œDo you know who is coming to our party later on?”

β€œYeah, Dee is.”

β€œDee, who?”

β€œDEEZ NUTS!β€œ

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Yo momma is so fat you have to make two lightspeed jumps just to get on her good side.

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