If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, even Google won’t be able to find you.
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They said when pigs fly...
But the swine already flu.
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I got a PhD in rap and washing clothes.
They call me Dr. LaunDré.
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There was a bad smell coming from a dumpster.
So, my mother made my sister burn some spices to cover it.
She used pap-reek-her.
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I’m writing a book about reverse psychology.
Please don’t buy it.
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What’s a blueberry’s favorite song?
Anything from the Blue Album by Weezer.
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Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, “Because people are sleeping!”
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Patient: “Doctor, am I going to be alright?”
Doctor: “I’m not too sure, Mercury is in Uranus now.”
Patient: “But I don’t know much about astronomy and space.”
Doctor: “Neither do I, but I do know that my thermometer just snapped inside you.”
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What do you call a left-handed woman with a gunshot wound in her right arm?
An ambulance.
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I said to my doctor, “I wake up thinking I’m a penguin, and by the end of the day I believe I’m an arctic fox.”
He told me I was bipolar.
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I’m pretty sure that the hotel receptionist was checking me out.
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A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
“What did you do that for?” the man asks.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”
The man says, “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”
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What’s the difference between a doctor and an architect?
An architect’s mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.
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What do you call violent mermaids?
Mercenaries.
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A young cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.
At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said, “I’m anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That’s my wife’s mother over there.”
“Don’t be silly,” said the wicketkeeper. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
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Friend A: “What did Helen Keller’s kitchen look like?”
Friend B: “I don’t know.”
Friend A: “She did not know either.”
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I just saw this guy going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit’s feet.
I thought he’s pushing his luck!
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Three men are working on a building site.
Everyday, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.
The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.
“By god,” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and everyday, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself.”
The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.
“Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Everyday, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself.”
The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.
“I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself.”
The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.
The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.
At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.
“If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches,” says the first man’s wife, “I always thought he was being ironic!”
“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches,” says the second man’s wife, “I always thought he was being sarcastic!”
“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches,” says the third man’s wife, “but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!”
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Who is Peppa Pig’s favorite painter?
Pigcasso.
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So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him, “What do you want your last meal to be?”
“Strawberries,” he responds.
“But it’s winter. We can’t get strawberries until spring.”
“Eh... I’ll wait.”
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