How do people know Taylor Swift had a breakup?
Because she releases a whole album about it.
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Your mama so short when she got in the car she couldn’t reach the steering wheel.
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My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told them to pipe down.
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Why was the programmer always running into walls?
He couldn’t C#.
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It was a regular day in first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living.
Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didn’t really understand their parents’ jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all.
When they got to Little Johnny, he stood up and said, “My dad cuts people in half.”
“Oh, really?” asked the teacher with a smile, “You mean he’s a magician?”
“I don’t know,” said Johnny.
“A surgeon, maybe?” asked the teacher.
“I don’t know,” repeated Johnny.
“Then why do you think he cuts people in half?” asked the confused teacher.
“Because I have two half brothers and three half sisters.”
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My girlfriend said I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.
What a Joker.
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I’m not Superman, I’m not Batman, I’m not Spider-Man...
But I’m your Man.
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Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn’t use proper pun-ctuation.
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WWhat music does SpongeBob listen to while jellyfishing?
Something catchy.
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What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saw-urus.
How do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?
Do-you-think-he-saw-urus Rex.
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What do you call a sad little blue planet?
A gloom.
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Why is North Korea so good at geometry?
Because they have a supreme ruler!
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Did you hear about the evangelical atheist?
She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.
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His true blue loyalty was betrayed by his green envy.
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Why does Spider-Man hate driving with his evil twin?
Because he’s a bad parallel Parker.
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What did Darth Vader say to the Emperor at the Star Wars auction?
“What is thy bidding, my master?”
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A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:
“Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
“Never mind. Found one!”
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How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?
Rename Uranus to Ouranus.
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What does CHEVROLET stand for?
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.
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