Best Jokes (95)



What do you call Spider-Man when he quits The Daily Bugle and starts working as a valet?

Peter PARKER.

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What three things would you bring if you were stranded on a deserted island?

Irony, the Oxford comma and a missed opportunity.

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At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, β€œThat’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

β€œWhy should it?” answered her spouse. β€œI keep telling them it’s for you.”

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A guy is walking down the street with his friend.

He says to his friend, β€œI’m just a walking economy.”

His friend replies, β€œWhat do you mean?”

β€œIt’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.

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What do you call an aboriginal in a lamp?

An abori-genie.

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What does a panda ghost eat?

Bam-BOO!

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Why are mushroom children so good?

They don’t want to get in truffle.

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What do you call a single kernel of corn?

A uni-corn.

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I played an April Fools’ joke on my parkour team this morning.

They all fell for it.

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What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?

β€œFor Lease Navidad”

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How does Uranus apologize for being late?

It blames it on its orbit.

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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

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Your mama is so ugly she made One Direction go in another direction.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œNoah.”

β€œNoah, who?”

β€œNoah better way to wish you a happy birthday!”

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Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?

He was always afraid he was following someone.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œPossum.”

β€œPossum, who?”

β€œPossum gravy on my potatoes.”

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Apparently NASA are extremely tired of all of the jokes that are made about Uranus so they decided to rename it to Urectum.

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What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

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What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water?

Dolphout.

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Your mama so stupid she yelled into an envelope because she wanted to send a voicemail.

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