I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .
That’s when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.
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What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
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Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to see how long he slept!
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It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.
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Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.
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My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.
It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
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How do you make a pool table laugh?
Tickle its balls.
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What does space smell like?
Uranus!
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Why do cab drivers make good paid search advertisers?
They can really drive in traffic.
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What happened when the man went to the acupuncturist?
When he got home, his voodoo doll was dead.
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Zoom meetings is a stupid name, and it’s branded.
We should call it a bit more casual like “coworker video chat” or something shorter, like “co-vid”.
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Apparently, describing the beautiful city of Hiroshima as “The bomb” is not okay.
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Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.
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There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, “What’s your secret?” The guy whispers, “All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants.”
In a flourish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants.
But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror.
Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and desperately asks, “Why are all the girls running away from me?”
The first guy looks up and replies, “The pickle’s on the wrong side.”
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Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
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What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Paddy O’furniture.
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What does the light bulb say when it’s being unscrewed?
“I’m feeling delighted...”
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Perfect Boyfriend:
· Does not drink.
· Does not smoke.
· Does not cheat.
· Does not exist.
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I was invited to go play Dungeons and Dragons. I was told I needed to pick a race and a class for my character. So I picked white and middle.
Apparently that’s not how it’s played, but I just think they know I’d win.
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Yo mamma’s so ugly they cut her Cantina scenes in Star Wars.
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