I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone’s bathroom.
But after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.
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Which part of a computer is Spider-Man’s favorite?
The web cam.
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What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?
A Ford Siesta.
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I said to my wife, “Did you hear my last pun?”
She replied, “I hope so!”
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I’m on a seafood diet.
I see food and I eat it.
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I saw a blue horse the other day.
I guess you could say it was a rare-colored mare.
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Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake.
After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died.
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What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?
I come in pieces.
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The teacher asks her students, “What is the closest planet to Earth?”
The class all respond by yelling out, “The sun!”
Little Johnny then puts his hand up as says, “Uranus.”
The teacher looks confused and asks, “Why do you think that, Johnny?”
Little Johnny replies to her, “Because it is right behind you, Miss.”
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What kind of flu do Chinese people have?
Kung flu.
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I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers.
It was cracka-lackin
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Picked up a set of 20 Disney shorts on vinyl for only $30.
To be honest, though, I think they’d chafe less in cotton.
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It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
Stock boy: “No, ma’am. They’re dead.”
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Where does a person with a beard put their beard clippings?
Their shavings account.
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I used to own a raven. It could speak English.
But the only word it could speak was “car”.
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Chuck Norris is the only one that can turn lemonade into lemons.
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Why do wolves howl at the moon?
Cause they don’t know how to use cell phones.
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Yo mamma’s so ugly they cut her Cantina scenes in Star Wars.
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I once accidentally poured glue in my son’s corn flakes.
He’s never talked to me again.
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