Can you guess who you should never lie to?
An x-ray operator—they can see right through you!
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Your head is so big that when it rains, your body never gets wet.
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What are a prisoner’s favorite building materials?
Steal and cement.
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What do you call a lawyer who’s also a pirate?
A barracuda-talking sea attorney.
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What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose.
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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.
The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”
The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.
The officer says, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”
The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.
The officer says, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”
Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”
The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.
He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.
With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.
Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.
Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically, and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”
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What would you call an unidentified object which landed in Australia?
Australien.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Coal.”
“Coal, who?”
“Coal me when Santa’s on his way.”
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Why did the volleyball player bring an extra pair of shoelaces?
Because she wanted to tie the score.
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Did you hear about the guy that washed his shorts with change in it?
He was arrested for money laundrying.
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Why did the dyslexic couple learn karate?
They tried to get some marital counselling but ended up with martial training.
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What did the avocado do at the wedding?
Make a toast.
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I asked Alexa if she was considering running for President, but she said she was better suited for Speaker of the House.
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What do you call it when you prank a person on Sunday?
Sabbathtoge.
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Good morning, sweetie!
When I get up, my initial idea is of just how you feel, after that, I obtain you a cup of coffee, placed it down, as well as back away, gradually...
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Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?
“Mensch on a bench”.
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Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
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They brought the hot dog in for questioning.
He gave the... wurst... answers.
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Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?
They always forget to take off the candles.
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Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for crying scenes.
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