Being an electrician really wasn’t the career I wanted, but I still go to work every day with a conduit attitude.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Bacon.”
“Bacon, who?”
“Bacon me crazy waiting for breakfast!”
😄 😄 😄
A cop stops a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He directs the man to blow into a breathalyzer.
Man: “I’m afraid I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have asthma. If I blow into that tube, I might have an asthma attack.”
Cop: “All right, we’ll just get a urine sample at the station.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have diabetes. If I pee in a cup, I might get low blood sugar.”
Cop: “All right, we’ll take a blood sample.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have hemophilia. I could die if I give blood.”
Cop: “All right, just walk this white line.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I’m drunk.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s a neckbeard’s favorite thing to put on toast?
Marm’lady.
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Why do cats like August month?
Because it marks the end of the dog days of summer.
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What is small, square and green?
A small green square.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you’re not allowed to end a sentence with a preposition.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of key is edible?
A turkey on Thanksgiving.
😄 😄 😄
How does a man from Alabama hold up his pants?
With a bible belt.
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It’s hotter than asphalt on a California driveway.
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Gas prices are getting ridiculous.
I went online to check the value of my car, and it asked if the tank was empty or full.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week?
Ogretime.
😄 😄 😄
After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?”
Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 pickles.”
😄 😄 😄
I wanted to make nachos, but my dad took the cheese.
He claimed it wasn’t mine.
😄 😄 😄
What is a deer’s favorite boba flavor?
C-antelope!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?
By live stream.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery?
He’s so happy that he’s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
😄 😄 😄
There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.
Morel of the storey.
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My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”
Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.
😄 😄 😄
