Best Jokes (95)



Having your own child is like living in a frat houseβ€”nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

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From the death notice of a local newspaper:

After a very hard and painful life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace.

The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.

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Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.

The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

β€œSee here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, β€œthis is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to playβ€”you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”

β€œWell,” said the old man, β€œyou see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”

Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.

β€œFATHER!” he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, β€œPINOCCHIO!”

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What kind of exercise do sloths do?

Waitlifting.

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What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.

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What’s worse than getting a job at McDonald’s?

Not getting the job at McDonald’s.

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Why did the planet Uranus join a band?

It wanted to planet self in rhythm.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œGinger.”

β€œGinger, who?”

β€œThe Ginger Bread Man!”

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What legend haunts the land of Sushi?

The ghost of Sushima.

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What do you put in a female balloon?

Shelium.

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A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.

After a while of, the doctor asks: β€œWhat do you do for a living?”

β€œI’m an archeologist,” she answers.

The doctor responds: β€œThen I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”

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What is a bear’s favorite dessert?

Blue beary pie.

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I am sweating like a cactus in a greenhouse.

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Guess why elephants always get the first word?

Because their opinion carries a lot of weight!

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Chuck Norris died yesterday.

No worries, he’s much better already.

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Why should you be quiet inside a pharmacy?

You might wake the sleeping pills.

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I once saw a couple of coders get into a fight.

It was so vicious, they almost made physical contact.

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Baby Yoda’s first word...

Probably came after his second word.

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Why should you marry an Egyptian woman?

They make great mummies.

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What would donuts’ favorite drink be?

The hole-y water.

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