How do dolphins compute?
They use a Central Porpoising Unit.
😄 😄 😄
Two blondes are walking in the woods and come across a set of tracks.
One looks at them and says, “Wow, wolf tracks!”
The other looks down and scoffs, “Those are coyote tracks, not wolf tracks. Look at the size!”
“No, they are not!” says the first. “I’ve spent most of my life walking in these woods, and I know wolf tracks when I see them!”
They stand there arguing over the tracks for some time, and are eventually hit by a train.
😄 😄 😄
A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”
😄 😄 😄
There is rumor of a new “Amish Flu” out of Pennsylvania.
The symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little horse and buggy.
😄 😄 😄
What did 49er Linebacker always have stuck in his teeth?
Quarterbacks.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
😄 😄 😄
Mortal: “What is a million years like to you?”
God: “Like one second.”
Mortal: “What is a million pounds like to you?”
God: “Like one penny.”
Mortal: “Can I have a penny?”
God: “Just a second...”
😄 😄 😄
When my mother died, all my father said was “cough, fatigue, fever”.
He’s a man of flu words.
😄 😄 😄
My friend had mushrooms during the party.
Now he’s a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
Why do Stormtroopers only have iPhones?
Because they couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.
😄 😄 😄
Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net.
Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.
As he embraced me, he sighed, “OK, let’s go over the rules of volleyball one last time.”
😄 😄 😄
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers.
😄 😄 😄
What does the youngest flower child say?
“Last bud not least!”
😄 😄 😄
Yo daddy is so dumb the computer said “press any key to continue”, and he was looking for the any key BUTTON.
😄 😄 😄
A telephone rang.
“Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”
“Yes, it is,” came the reply.
“Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “Happy Anniversary honey! I was just remembering how happy we were 30 years ago.
Wife: “You idiot, we did not know each other 30 years ago.”
Husband: “That’s why we were so happy!”
😄 😄 😄
Broccoli looks into the trunk of his car.
He sees an extra tire and exclaims, “Oh! I have a-spar-a-gus!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“August.”
“August, who?”
“A gust of wind knocked me over!”
😄 😄 😄
A world-renowned chemist has passed away.
His will specifies that all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be put in his body.
“Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?” they ask his wife.
To which she replies, “No, just Barium.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Pat.”
“Pat, who?”
“Pat on your coat—we’re going to the St. Patty’s Day parade.”
😄 😄 😄
