Did you hear about the bingo caller who had a tumor?
Luckily, the tumor was B-9.
😄 😄 😄
Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short.
Looks like they ran out of characters.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t lobsters like to share?
Because they’re shellfish.
😄 😄 😄
I burst into tears right before my physics exam.
The professor asked, “What’s the matter?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the alien bring a gift to Uranus?
It wanted to show its appreciation for the atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot.
“I don’t know how you sleep at night.”
😄 😄 😄
“Dad, do you like baked apples?”
“Yes son, why?”
“The orchard’s on fire.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife said, “Did you know butterflies only live for one day?”
I said, “That’s a myth.”
She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”
😄 😄 😄
What did one ear of corn say to the other traveling down the highway?
Looks like we had a tire pop out.
😄 😄 😄
No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce.
They keep telling me it’s a lost cos.
😄 😄 😄
Talking to my crush is like talking to God.
They never respond.
😄 😄 😄
NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...
They found it to be a poophole.
😄 😄 😄
I bought a guitar made out of diamond.
Now I can play some hard rock.
😄 😄 😄
It’s cleaning day today.
I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat when she went to In-N-Out she couldn’t get in nor out.
😄 😄 😄
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
😄 😄 😄
My wife just called me lazy and said I’d better have something planned for Valentine’s Day.
I said, “Yes, I was thinking of taking the Christmas decorations down.”
😄 😄 😄
“It’s clear,” said the teacher, “that you haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?”
“Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down.”
😄 😄 😄
Most of my group wanted to go mushroom hunting.
I call them the morel majority.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Tai Wan Shu.
😄 😄 😄
