What did the teacher say about the studentβs attempt at making pizza?
Thereβs so mush-room for improvement.
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The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend.
Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend.
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A 911 operator gets a call.
β911, whatβs your emergency?β the operator asks.
βIβm smoking,β replied a middle-aged woman.
βSorry, maβam, but you shouldnβt be calling 911. Please contact an expert, if you need help,β the operator hangs up the phone.
The phone rings again.
β911, whatβs your emergency?β the operator asks again.
βIβm smoking,β replied the same woman.
βSorry, maβam, but you should not be calling 911. You are aware you called us just now, correct?β
Woman: βYeah.β
βWell, then please do not call us unless you have a proper emergency. Thank you,β the operator hangs up the phone.
The phone rings again.
βI swear to god, if itβs that woman, Iβm going to have a seizure,β the operator mumbles under his breath.
β911, whatβs your emergency?β the operator asks again.
βIβm smoking,β replied the same woman.
βExcuse me, but you know itβs a crime for prank calls like this, right? Please contact an expert if you have problems with any smoking issues,β he hangs up the phone.
It rings again, with the same number.
The operator, clearly infuriated, picks up the phone, βYOUβRE NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL THIS NUMBER IF YOU DONβT HAVE AN EMERGENCY!β
Woman: βSorry, but...β
Operator: βNO BUTS! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SMOKING, PLEASE CONTACT AN EXPERT! DO YOU HAVE AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY?!β
βYes, I do.β
βWhat is it, then?!β
βIβm on fire.β
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Itβs so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with pot holders.
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Yo mama so old her first cruise was on Noahβs Ark.
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Why is April so popular for using a trampoline?
Itβs Spring-time.
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When I went to the doctor, I said, βDoctor, every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy.β
He replied, βHow long have you been getting these Disney spells?β
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What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?
βSure, Bert.β
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What is Godβs favorite guitar chord?
G-Sus.
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You are so dumb you tripped over a wireless connection.
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What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?
Peak Aboo.
And which one gives them a flu?
Peak Achoo.
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I smiled right after getting up.
I think I dislocated my face.
Good morning!
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What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, theyβre already stuffed.
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Iβd tell you a rumor about some butter on a piece of toast, but you might spread it.
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Why was the blueberry muffin so sad?
It was feeling a little crumby.
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Why doesnβt the Rams football team have a website?
They canβt string three Wβs together.
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Why did they arrest the volleyball player?
They suspected foul play.
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The biggest kept secret is that Uranus is not a planet, you are actually sitting on it!
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You know the economy is bad when you pull into the McDonaldβs drive thru and the person at the speaker asks:
βCan you afford fries with that?β
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Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.
Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didnβt have a Flash player installed.
π π π