Guess what Santa calls his elves?
Subordinate Clauses!
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The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.
The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.
Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it.
His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.
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What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
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As the first fleet rounded the headlands and sailed into botany bay, the local aborigines could see several men looking towards them through big fancy telescopes.
One of the aborigines comments, “Dumb man, can’t even play the didgeridoo.”
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Keeping The Romance Alive
I still love to spoil the love of my life.
If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me she’s on her way. I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.
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There’s actually no reason for me to be up this early, but I don’t want to go through it alone.
It’s pretty much torture, so wake up and suffer with me!
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Three men are working on a building site.
Everyday, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.
The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.
“By god,” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and everyday, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself.”
The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.
“Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Everyday, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself.”
The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.
“I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself.”
The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.
The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.
At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.
“If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches,” says the first man’s wife, “I always thought he was being ironic!”
“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches,” says the second man’s wife, “I always thought he was being sarcastic!”
“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches,” says the third man’s wife, “but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!”
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You never really appreciate what you’ve got until it’s gone.
Toilet paper is a good example.
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Why is Yoda such a good gardener?
Because he has green fingers.
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I don’t work well under pressure...
...or any other circumstance.
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If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
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I had a terrible Labor Day weekend. My wife was in a horrible car crash and lost her left leg and left arm.
She’s all right now.
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When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.
He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.
In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.
Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.
As he lay dying, he cried out, “God, how could you do this to me?”
And a voice from the heavens responded, “To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn’t recognize you.”
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What do you call a pig stuck in a cactus?
A porcupine.
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Do you like Mexican food? Because I want to wrap you in my arms and make you my BAE-rito.
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I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed.
He said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
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A spider just crawled onto my keyboard.
Don’t worry it’s under ctrl.
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I had some really terrible Arabic food today.
I tell ya, it was fal-awful!
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The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
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Chuck Norris once played with Lego.
The result was The Great Pyramids.
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