How does Uranus apologize for being late?
It blames it on its orbit.
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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
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Your mama is so ugly she made One Direction go in another direction.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Noah.”
“Noah, who?”
“Noah better way to wish you a happy birthday!”
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Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?
He was always afraid he was following someone.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Possum.”
“Possum, who?”
“Possum gravy on my potatoes.”
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Apparently NASA are extremely tired of all of the jokes that are made about Uranus so they decided to rename it to Urectum.
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What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
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What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water?
Dolphout.
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Your mama so stupid she yelled into an envelope because she wanted to send a voicemail.
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Son: “Mom! Mom! The mean kids keep saying I have big ears!”
Mom: “Oh really? I’ll talk to them. Where are they?”
Son: “In the next town over!”
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Why do registered nurses bring a red crayon to work?
In case, they have to draw blood.
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How did the data scientist get his girlfriend to become an attractive model?
By training her.
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
Dude sold his soul to Santa.
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How do you repair a broken jack o’ lantern?
Use a pumpkin patch.
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What does a bass guitar and a baseball have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
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If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
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Why did Chuck Norris destroy the periodic table?
Because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
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What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?
24 Karat cakes.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Who who.”
“Who who, who?”
“Santa is that you?”
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