I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great-uncle fought for the west!
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Yo mama so fat that the Sarlaac Pit couldn’t eat her!
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In 1973, my dad left to get ice cream and never came back.
Mom says he’s probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions.
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Yo mama is so ugly her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.
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Diet day 1:
I removed all the fattening food from my house.
It was delicious.
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Why do people hate to shave off their beards?
They’re naturally attached to it.
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What do you call a 200-year-old Buffalo?
A bison-tennial.
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What dessert do they serve in Super Mario?
Princess Peach Pie.
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What did Dr Martin Brenner take to freshen his breath?
Experi-mints!
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl aboard.”
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What ever happened to the Fried Shrimp emoji?
It was tempurary.
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Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position.
But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
There’s more geese on that side.
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What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Ouch!
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What’s an alien’s favorite treat?
Martian-mallows!
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Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics!
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What did the sign on the baker’s door read when she wanted to be alone?
Donut disturb.
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Did you know that Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift’s relationship is over after just three months because he wanted it to be more public?
Guess she wanted it to be more Loki.
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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?
Smurf poop.
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How did the cowboy save so much money?
His horse gave him a couple of bucks every day.
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Got a B in my computer programming class.
Call that a C++.
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