Best Jokes (95)



Which bakery should you go to on the Fourth of July?

The one that sells pastries with stars and stripes. The rest are just un-pastry-otic.

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Why did the sun not go to college?

Because it already has a million degrees!

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The EU was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner.

But they refused to have turkey.

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My friends came over for band practice.

My dad came downstairs with a jar of peanut butter and said, β€œI brought this to go with your jam.”

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Your ears are so big you use shower heads as earbuds.

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How did the hot dog ask the ketchup out?

He mustard up the courage.

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What do you call a unicorn with two horns?

A goat.

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My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.

She won’t find out until she unpacks her luggage.

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Yo mama so stupid I said β€œKool-Aid” and she jumped through the wall.

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Santa saw your Facebook pictures...

You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.

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My husband is as handsome as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein.

His name is Frankenstein.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œCargo.”

β€œCargo, who?”

β€œNope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.”

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A blind man walks into a bar...

And a wall, and a tree, and a cactus.

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Your mama so ugly when she walks into a bank they turn off the cameras.

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Yo mama so stupid she thought The Exorcist was a workout video.

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What did the alien say when he was out of the room?

I’m all spaced out!

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This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.

I wish I could have read the signs.

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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?

Lazy.

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What’s the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?

The Man U bus has more pricks.

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How do you pick a motivated astronaut dog?

It’s the one that’s always sniffing Uranus.

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