Best Jokes (95)



I own a furniture store.

My job is sofa king cool.

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I go to the gym religiously.

About twice a year, around holidays.

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My wife has been mad at me lately because she says I need to get my priorities straight.

I told her we can talk about it after this episode of SpongeBob.

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Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor.

The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.

Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor.

This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, β€œThere is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit.”

After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor’s son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.

Perplexed, he asked, β€œJust how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?”

β€œIt’s very simple,” replied the tailor, β€œThe other tailor has two sons.”

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I have inner beauty.

And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

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Warning!

Birthday donuts will make your clothes shrink!

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Why did the feminist fail algebra?

She couldn’t solve inequalities.

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A couple just had their first son.

The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That’s a lot of heritage to inherit.

They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.

A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish.

After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi O’Lee.

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I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take.

Don’t get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I known it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.

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What did the lettuce say to the ship?

ICEBERG!

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Yo mama is so dumb and hungry the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.

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Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window?

He wanted to see a butterfly.

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Father’s Day was near when I brought my son to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.

When I looked back, my son was picking up one card after another, opening them up, and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way.

β€œSon, what are you doing?” I asked. β€œHaven’t you found a nice card for daddy yet?”

β€œNo,” he replied. β€œI’m looking for one with money in it.”

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Sure, working from home can have its disadvantages.

I miss the office politics, the lack of freedom and having to wear shoes.

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Did you hear about the bird flu?

I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.

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Boomers: When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.

Generation X: When life hands you lemons, create a business to market lemon juice as a healthy, low carb, low sugar variation to lemonade. Make millions.

Millennials: Lol, as if anyone would just β€œhand me” some lemons.

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It’s ironic how my aunt died given that her zodiac sign is cancer.

She was killed by a giant crab.

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A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.

β€œBe sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,” the pharmacist says. β€œDon’t worry,” replies the patient. β€œIt takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.”

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What did the barbecue say on Labor Day weekend?

Time to get fired up!

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What do you call a bad electrician?

A shock absorber.

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