Best Jokes (95)



Did you hear about the bingo caller who had a tumor?

Luckily, the tumor was B-9.

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Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short.

Looks like they ran out of characters.

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Why don’t lobsters like to share?

Because they’re shellfish.

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I burst into tears right before my physics exam.

The professor asked, β€œWhat’s the matter?”

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Why did the alien bring a gift to Uranus?

It wanted to show its appreciation for the atmosphere.

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To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot.

β€œI don’t know how you sleep at night.”

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β€œDad, do you like baked apples?”

β€œYes son, why?”

β€œThe orchard’s on fire.”

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My wife said, β€œDid you know butterflies only live for one day?”

I said, β€œThat’s a myth.”

She said, β€œNo, it’s definitely a butterfly.”

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What did one ear of corn say to the other traveling down the highway?

Looks like we had a tire pop out.

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No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce.

They keep telling me it’s a lost cos.

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Talking to my crush is like talking to God.

They never respond.

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NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...

They found it to be a poophole.

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I bought a guitar made out of diamond.

Now I can play some hard rock.

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It’s cleaning day today.

I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.

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Yo mama so fat when she went to In-N-Out she couldn’t get in nor out.

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What’s green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot.

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My wife just called me lazy and said I’d better have something planned for Valentine’s Day.

I said, β€œYes, I was thinking of taking the Christmas decorations down.”

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β€œIt’s clear,” said the teacher, β€œthat you haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?”

β€œWell, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down.”

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Most of my group wanted to go mushroom hunting.

I call them the morel majority.

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What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?

Tai Wan Shu.

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