What did the teacher say about the student’s attempt at making pizza?
There’s so mush-room for improvement.
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The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend.
Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend.
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A 911 operator gets a call.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks.
“I’m smoking,” replied a middle-aged woman.
“Sorry, ma’am, but you shouldn’t be calling 911. Please contact an expert, if you need help,” the operator hangs up the phone.
The phone rings again.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks again.
“I’m smoking,” replied the same woman.
“Sorry, ma’am, but you should not be calling 911. You are aware you called us just now, correct?”
Woman: “Yeah.”
“Well, then please do not call us unless you have a proper emergency. Thank you,” the operator hangs up the phone.
The phone rings again.
“I swear to god, if it’s that woman, I’m going to have a seizure,” the operator mumbles under his breath.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks again.
“I’m smoking,” replied the same woman.
“Excuse me, but you know it’s a crime for prank calls like this, right? Please contact an expert if you have problems with any smoking issues,” he hangs up the phone.
It rings again, with the same number.
The operator, clearly infuriated, picks up the phone, “YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL THIS NUMBER IF YOU DON’T HAVE AN EMERGENCY!”
Woman: “Sorry, but...”
Operator: “NO BUTS! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SMOKING, PLEASE CONTACT AN EXPERT! DO YOU HAVE AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY?!”
“Yes, I do.”
“What is it, then?!”
“I’m on fire.”
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It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with pot holders.
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Yo mama so old her first cruise was on Noah’s Ark.
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Why is April so popular for using a trampoline?
It’s Spring-time.
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When I went to the doctor, I said, “Doctor, every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy.”
He replied, “How long have you been getting these Disney spells?”
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What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?
“Sure, Bert.”
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What is God’s favorite guitar chord?
G-Sus.
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You are so dumb you tripped over a wireless connection.
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What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?
Peak Aboo.
And which one gives them a flu?
Peak Achoo.
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I smiled right after getting up.
I think I dislocated my face.
Good morning!
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What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they’re already stuffed.
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I’d tell you a rumor about some butter on a piece of toast, but you might spread it.
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Why was the blueberry muffin so sad?
It was feeling a little crumby.
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Why doesn’t the Rams football team have a website?
They can’t string three W’s together.
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Why did they arrest the volleyball player?
They suspected foul play.
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The biggest kept secret is that Uranus is not a planet, you are actually sitting on it!
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You know the economy is bad when you pull into the McDonald’s drive thru and the person at the speaker asks:
“Can you afford fries with that?”
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Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.
Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn’t have a Flash player installed.
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