What do you call Spider-Man with 20 eyes?
Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider-Man.
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Rise and shine!
If mornings were a sport, Iβd be the MVP of hitting the βsleepβ button.
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Husband: βI got a package with bullets and Arabic note today.β
Wife: βIdiot! These are suppositories and the note from the doctor!β
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Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.
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A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.
βHello mate,β says St. Peter, βIβm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven.β
βWhat?β Exclaims the man, astonished.
St. Peter: βYou heard, no Man Utd fans.β
βBut, but, but, Iβve been a good man,β replies the Man Utd supporter.
βOh really,β says St. Peter. βWhat have you done, then?β
βWell,β said the guy, βThree weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.β
βOh,β says St. Peter. βAnything else?β
βWell, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.β
βHmmm. Anything else?β
βYeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.β
βOkay,β said St. Peter, βYou wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.β
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, βIβve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Hereβs your thirty quid back, now screw off.β
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Chuck Norris gets 4-wheel drive out of his bicycle.
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What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
They gave him the cold shoulder.
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Me: βGood night, kids!β
Kids: βGood night, dad!β
Me: βGood night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!β
Wife (through radio under the bed): βGood night!β
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Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.
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Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
Because the chicken had his eggs.
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Bowlers do not make good employees.
This is because 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
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Did you hear about the Spanish woman who is now a man?
Heβs called Senor Rita.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driverβs license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
βCan you read this?β the optician asked.
βWhat do you mean if I can read this?β the Polish guy replied, βI know the dude.β
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Thanks to the coronavirus, we can now explain calling Gen Z βZoomersβ.
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What do you call a retired old cowboy?
De-ranged.
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I lost my pet dolphin.
Now my life has no porpoise.
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How does a lobster answer the phone?
βShello?β
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Dating me is basically just being asked the most outrageous hypothetical questions like 10 times a day.
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An alien drops by the White House and exclaims, βTake me to your leader.β
The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.
βWhere are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!β calls a Senator.
βYou are right,β responds the alien.
βSee you on Thursday!β
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