Best Jokes (95)



Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?

He was caught taking asteroids.

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When does a hot dog have a close shave?

At the barber-cue!

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Why did the red panda become an actor?

It had a panda-mic personality.

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What is the Easter Bunny’s favourite color?

Egg white.

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A woman told her friend, β€œI feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.”

She said, β€œSo, I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was already over.”

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What do you call a vegetarian Viking?

Norvegan.

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How does Spider-Man communicate with all his superhero buds?

On the World Wide Web.

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β€œDee was asking after you the other day.”

β€œWho is Dee?”

β€œDEEZ NUTS!”

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I’m bald and I’m going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits.

So from a distance it looks like hares.

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What do authors eat for breakfast?

Synonym buns.

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Today is April Fools’ Day, so question everything and trust no one.

Basically, it’s Reddit Day.

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Why did the llama cross the road?

Because it was the chicken’s day off.

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What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke?

The snack that’s also crack.

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Who is Greta Thunberg’s favorite comedian?

Amy Schumer, because she recycles all her jokes.

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When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hot dogs and my favorite candy.

You can’t do that these days...

Too many damned security cameras.

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A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.

Upon reaching it, one of the first things he did was go into a department store.

He found his way to the menswear department, where a young lady offered to help him.

β€œQuiero calcetines (I want socks),” said the man.

β€œI don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.

β€œNo, no quiero trajes, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want suits, I want socks),” said the man.

β€œWell, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.

β€œNo, no quiero camisas, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want shirts, I want socks),” repeated the man.

β€œI still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.

β€œNo, no quiero pantalones, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want pants, I want socks),” insisted the man.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair.

Holding them up, he proclaimed, β€œEso sΓ­ que es (Now that’s it)!”

β€œThen why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!” yelled the salesgirl.

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It’s Black Friday, and people are lining up around the block at the local Best Buy.

The people in the line beat up a well-dressed man who comes to the front of the line. He attempts it again and is knocked down.

He then mutters, β€œIf people will be like that, I’m not opening the store.”

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Why do fungi have to pay extra on the bus?

Because they take up too mush-room.

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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.

He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says, β€œWhat the hell was that all about?”

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Need a couch? Have you tried Sofa Kings?

Their prices are sofa king cheap!

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