Best Jokes (95)



What did the salad say to the chef?ย 

Lett-uce go!

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My grandma got a hip replacement.

My new grandma is a 24-year-old barista and an aspiring artist.

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A mother tells her little boy, โ€œJohnny, you mustnโ€™t eat too many lollies or Iโ€™ll hide the lolly jar.โ€

Johnny asks, โ€œWhy?โ€

His mother says, โ€œBecause something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!โ€

The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman.

He points to her belly smiling and says, โ€œI know what youโ€™ve been doing.โ€

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Why do otters sleep on their backs?

Because itโ€™s otterly blissful.

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I am sweating like a cactus in a greenhouse.

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Thought I heard someone say โ€œHelloโ€ in Arabic.

But it was a false salaam.

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Weโ€™re not socks.

But I think weโ€™d make a great pair.

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What is the core of Uranus called?

Urectum.

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An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he canโ€™t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When heโ€™s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave heโ€™d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, โ€œJust bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.โ€

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I bought a gold-scented candle and burned it.

It had a very rich aroma.

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If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?

Fleas.

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I used to be a boy trapped in a womanโ€™s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

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What is a camelโ€™s favorite day of the week?

Hump day!

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When Chuck Norris left for college, he told his father:

โ€œYouโ€™re the man of the house now.โ€

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I asked my wife whether I should get another tattoo, and she said that if I do, I should get it in a place that doesnโ€™t matter.

So Iโ€™m planning to get one in Oklahoma.

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I was cycling to work when a snow plow suddenly overtook me at high speed, spreading salt which hit my face.

โ€œBASTARD!โ€ I shouted, through gritted teeth.

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Before Marriage.

Boy: โ€œAh at last. I can hardly wait.โ€

Girl: โ€œDo you want me to leave?โ€

Boy: โ€œNo, don't even think about it.โ€

Girl: โ€œDo you love me?โ€

Boy: โ€œOf Course. Always have and always will.โ€

Girl: โ€œHave you ever cheated on me?โ€

Boy: โ€œNever. Why are you even asking?โ€

Girl: โ€œWill you kiss me?โ€

Boy: โ€œHell no. Are you crazy?โ€

Girl: โ€œCan I trust you?โ€

Boy: โ€œYes.โ€

Girl: โ€œDarling!โ€

After Marriageโ€ฆ (Read from bottom to top)

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A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.

One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind.

A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain his curiosity, we stopped by the next day on his way home and knocked on the farmerโ€™s door.

An old man answered, and he asked him about the pig with the wooden legs. The old man thought for a few minutes before answering.

โ€œWell, son, let me tell you about this here pig.

One day I was out plowing in the back forty, and my tractor hit a rut. It tipped over and trapped me under it. I was pinned down and slowly pushed into the mud, where I knew I was going to be smothered and die.

This pig saw what happened, ran back to the farm, and made a huge ruckus. Then, when people came out to see what was going on, he led them to me.

Yep, that pig saved my life that day.โ€

The man agreed that was an amazing story, but he still didnโ€™t understand about the wooden legs.

The old farmer thought some more, then told him another story.

โ€œWell, a couple of nights ago, my wife and I were sleeping in the house when the barn caught fire. The wind was kicking up, and it was spreading to the main house.

If it werenโ€™t for that there pig banging on the windows and squealing and raising Cain, we would have died in that fire.

Pig saved our lives, no doubt about it.โ€

The man was flabbergasted, โ€œSir, I will grant you that is a marvelous animal, but I still donโ€™t understand why it has two wooden legs?โ€

The old farmer looked out into the yard and nodded to the pig, โ€œSon, you must be a city boy, because everybody knows a pig that good, you donโ€™t eat all at once.โ€

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Paddy goes to the police station.

He was looking to talk to the burglar, who broke into his house the night before.

โ€œYouโ€™ll get your chance in court tomorrow,โ€ said the desk sergeant.

โ€œBut itโ€™ll only take a minute, sarge. I just want to ask how he got into our house without waking my missus, as Iโ€™ve been trying to do it for years,โ€ says Paddy.

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Johnny was a preschool student who did not know grammar or math very well.

While in class, his teacher asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s 2+2?โ€

Johnny answered, โ€œI four-get.โ€

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