Yo mama’s so hairy that when she was born she looked like Chewbacca!
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Chuck Norris can one hit kill a creeper in Minecraft... with a stick.
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
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Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons.
Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.
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What’s Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?
“Stairway to Heaven.”
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Have you heard of the golfer who opened a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ivana.”
“Ivana, who?”
“Ivana kiss your lips.”
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What makes nuts healthy?
They have many nut-rients.
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Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
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It’s the cold and flu time of year.
Or, as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.
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What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeño business.
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Having your own child is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.
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What’s under the Pillsbury Doughboy’s apron?
Donuts.
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A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil!” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister.”
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What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?
A spores car!
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Chuck Norris didn’t survive the first night in Minecraft, the first night survived Chuck Norris.
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What type of construction are dogs good at?
Roofing.
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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, geez, I had to call the doctor.”
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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
Because they just had their brains scooped out!
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There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you.
Second place is just a constellation prize.
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