I said to the gym teacher, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said, “How flexible are you?”
I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
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Please, donut break my heart.
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I like working from home.
It’s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants.
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Have you tried the gluten-free Wookiee treats?
I heard they’re a little Chewy.
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Yo mama’s so dumb she thought a lightsaber has fewer calories!
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I went to the doctor today for a checkup, and he showed me on a chart that I’m 20 pounds overweight.
But I pointed out that using his very same data, I’m not overweight, I just need to be 3 inches taller.
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.
I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.
The patients are going all crazy in the cargo, playing a soccer with an invisible ball.
The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes in the back to make them stop the noise.
They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.
The pilot asks the copilot to give it a shot at calming the patients down.
The copilot goes in the back, the noise stops, and he returns to the cabin.
Half an hour later, the plane is quiet.
The pilot is impressed and asks the copilot how he did it.
The copilot replies, “I told them: Soccer is not allowed indoors. You have to take it outside.”
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What a morning...
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snowwoman.
8:15 I made a snowwoman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snowwoman’s voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snowwoman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 I am told the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter, “Yeah, if it’s up your...”
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 ISIS just claimed responsibility...
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I told Uranus it was the butt of all jokes.
But it just laughed it off.
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Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator.
I was wrong on so many levels.
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How do you accurately guess what you’re having for dinner?
You cook it yourself!
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When I said, I wanted to work from home, I didn’t mean I work on Saturday.
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A blonde and a brunette are in a car. Brunette: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
Blonde: “I hope it’s not the 13th.”
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I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.
They said, “No, just until the end of June.”
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I used to be the drummer in a progressive 80s rock band called Prevention.
We were better than The Cure.
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Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?
Apparently he got it from a cardinal.
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What do you call Spider-Man when he quits The Daily Bugle and starts working as a valet?
Peter PARKER.
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What three things would you bring if you were stranded on a deserted island?
Irony, the Oxford comma and a missed opportunity.
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