A world-renowned chemist has passed away.
His will specifies that all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be put in his body.
“Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?” they ask his wife.
To which she replies, “No, just Barium.”
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Why do people call organic chemistry the meanest science?
Because it’s always pushing electrons around.
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How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
He was very thinkful.
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In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it.
A student handed in his work with “The Magna Carta was signed in 1215” written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, “Why did you write this?”
The boy replied, “Because you always say that history repeats itself!”
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Why are synagogues round?
So the Jews can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.
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Apparently, Jude Law has a vegetarian son.
Coles Law.
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I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.
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What happened to the guy who stole a pun?
He needed to be pun-ished.
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Why are writers really good at coding?
Because they are really into Pro grammar.
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Bread is like the Sun:
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
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What is a soldier’s most active day of the year?
March forth!
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Did you know that China has a policy where a certain amount of pandas must live in the country?
To be fair, it’s the bear minimum.
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Yo mama so tall when she did a backflip she digs God in the face.
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What do you call two ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese?
A paradux.
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What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away!
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I once tried to kill a giant mouse with a baseball bat.
Now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyworld.
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If you were ice cream, you would be my favorite flavor.
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I’m making a comic book about a superhero toilet.
“Billionaire Bidet, Crime Fighter by Night”
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Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning.
Because I can’t get out of bed.
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The shady workers behind the Mexican restaurant...
That’s nacho business.
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