I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.
I just really feel the words a lot more.
😄 😄 😄
Dating me is like IKEA furniture.
Not well put together, slightly unstable but just aesthetic enough to show your friends.
😄 😄 😄
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
😄 😄 😄
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
😄 😄 😄
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she.
😄 😄 😄
I what is a crackers weight measured in?
In grahams.
😄 😄 😄
How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. She calls the emergency number and demands that a police officer come and do something about the intimidating blackness.
😄 😄 😄
Where do you smart hot dogs go?
On the honor role.
😄 😄 😄
I hit 2 good balls today on the golf course.
I stepped on a rake in the bunker.
😄 😄 😄
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
😄 😄 😄
From my viewpoint, it looks like it sucks to be up there.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?
Mensch on a Bench
😄 😄 😄
Why are warriors such bad salesmen?
They charge too much.
😄 😄 😄
Me: “I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.”
Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
Me: “Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes.”
😄 😄 😄
Today, I found out there are places that sell fake scallops made out of white fish.
There are a lot of cod artists out there.
😄 😄 😄
Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But I’m not sure if I’ll keep them.
The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.
I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.
I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.
What luck! An ad for “Gorilla removal”.
I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.
5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.
At this point, I asked the guy, “Hey what’s the plan?”
He said, “Well, I’m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and you’ll never see that Gorilla again.”
To which I asked, “What’s the shotgun for?”
“Well, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Warren.”
“Warren, who?”
“Warren anything green for St. Patrick’s Day?”
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if you cross a pig and a witch with sand?
A ham sandwich.
😄 😄 😄
What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?
We’ve got a rocky road ahead of us...
😄 😄 😄
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
😄 😄 😄
