Best Jokes (95)



What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance.

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Why do golfers love donuts?

Always a hole-in-one!

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Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?

Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.

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What is the best way to sleep the night before an exam?

I sleep next to my notes, sincerely hoping they transfer into my brain by osmosis.

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Marriage is love.

Love is blind.

Marriage is an institution.

Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

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How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I don’t know, it’s never happened.

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After I spoke with the tax auditor, I slept like a baby.

I woke up every hour and cried.

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Six years ago, I DMed my facebook crush, telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me.

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What are Michael Jackson’s pronouns?

He/Hee.

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I was stuck in traffic outside Washington, DC this morning. No one was moving at all.

Then this guy knocked on my window.

I rolled it down and said, β€œWhat’s happening?”

He said, β€œTerrorists have taken the entire US Congress hostage, and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if they’re not paid a 100 million dollar ransom. We’re going from car to car collecting donations.”

β€œHow much is everyone giving?” I asked.

He said, β€œAbout a gallon.”

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What state is always surprised to see you?

Ohio.

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Yo mamma’s so ugly Rancors look at her and go β€œDamn, dude, she’s UGLY!”.

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Why couldn’t the computer science student read his textbook?

He couldn’t find page 404.

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I just saw a squirrel bury a nut in my back yard.

I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a chocolate bar.

That’ll blow his mind.

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Where do late sailors come from?

Missed-his-shippi.

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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

He wanted to get to the bottom.

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What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?

Aria 51.

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What do you call six witches in a Jacuzzi?

A self-cleaning coven.

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What is a pressing thought of every pig?

β€œWhy do all bacon get cooked and cookies get baked?”

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Your mama’s so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

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