I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed.
He said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
😄 😄 😄
A spider just crawled onto my keyboard.
Don’t worry it’s under ctrl.
😄 😄 😄
I had some really terrible Arabic food today.
I tell ya, it was fal-awful!
😄 😄 😄
The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris once played with Lego.
The result was The Great Pyramids.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Viking who can’t catch fish?
A cod-less heathen.
😄 😄 😄
What did the mushroom say as he fell off a cliff?
“Help! I’m in truffle!”
😄 😄 😄
Someone threw some butter, milk and cheese at me recently.
I thought “how dairy”.
Then, they threw some more mild cheese.
I thought “that’s not very mature”.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the world crossword puzzle champion who died?
He was buried six feet down and three feet across.
😄 😄 😄
Who should be your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
😄 😄 😄
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?
He deserted his post.
😄 😄 😄
What is dog’s favorite breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man spin webs?
Because he doesn’t know how to knit.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Waffle.”
“Waffle, who?”
“Waffle lot of pancakes for breakfast?”
😄 😄 😄
I’ve got a meeting with the guy who invented the progress bar during the era of dial-up internet.
He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he’s stuck in traffic and he’s going to be here in 6 hours and 54 minutes.
Edit 2: He’s making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.
Edit 3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days.
😄 😄 😄
The Earth and the Moon were talking.
Earth: “Moon, how are you?”
Moon: ...
Earth: “Moon! Are you okay??”
Moon: “What? Sorry I was miles away.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a shekel!
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the bingo caller who had a tumor?
Luckily, the tumor was B-9.
😄 😄 😄
