Whatβs the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?
The Man U bus has more pricks.
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How do you pick a motivated astronaut dog?
Itβs the one thatβs always sniffing Uranus.
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Flight allows flamingos to avoid predators.
Natural selection is why flamingstays are extinct.
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I have an archaeology exam tomorrow.
And it doesnβt matter if I pass or fail because either way my futureβs in ruins.
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My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disneyβs Up for Halloween.
Iβll dress up as an old guy and sheβll dress up as a tombstone.
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Why do people say donuts are made by God?
Because they are hole-y.
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I was reading a story about dragons the other day It just seemed to drag-on and on.
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All the physicists meet up in heaven and decide to play a game of hide and seek.
They decide that Fermi will be the seeker, so he closes his eyes and begins counting to 100.
All the physicists scatter, except for Newton, who calmly reaches into his pocket, takes out some chalk, and draws a square one meter on a side.
Fermi finishes counting and turns around, seeing Newton standing in his chalk square he yells, βI found Newton. Newton is out!β
Newton protests, βNo, Iβm Newton in a meter squareβIβm Pascal. Pascal is out!β
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Why are cooks funny?
They can crack yolks.
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How is a dyslexic cow like a Buddhist monk?
Both say βommmmmmmmm.β
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How do dogs make sandwiches?
With purebred.
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What did the nervous spider say to the audience?
βForgive me, guys, but Iβve got butterflies in my stomach.β
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A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia.
The librarian says, βTheyβre right behind you!β
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βYou know, I think itβs your turn to pick wild mushrooms.β My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
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What do you call someone whoβs really into stationary biking?
A cyclepath.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βAvery.β
βAvery, who?β
βAvery Merry Christmas to you!β
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Whatβs a hipsterβs favorite type of surgery?
A hip replacement.
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A woman asks a waiter, βWhat is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!β
The waiter says, βShivering, madam.β
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
You look like a donkey, and smell like one too.
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I donβt put ketchup and mustard on my hot dog, I relish it.
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