What do you call a person from Portugal?
Portuguese.
What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?
Portugeezer.
😄 😄 😄
A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.
I took in a breath and asked aloud, “What’s that smell?”
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, “Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.
She turns to me and asks, “What’s that smell?”
I say, “Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.”
😄 😄 😄
Yesterday I had an Adele chocolate Easter Bunny.
The first half was delicious, but it was hollow from the other side.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a blues concert dressed in all black.
I guess I wasn’t feeling very blues-sympathetic.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
😄 😄 😄
What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?
Air conditioner.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Thanksgiving?
Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.
😄 😄 😄
What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?
Spook-hetti!
😄 😄 😄
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a boring person from Finland?
A dolphin.
😄 😄 😄
When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.
So I rang her and said, “Guess what, I won the jackpot.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat that even the Death Star couldn’t blow her up!
😄 😄 😄
My pet bird was frantically tweeting, so I gave him some food.
How he signed up for that Twitter account I’ll never know.
😄 😄 😄
I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.
Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
😄 😄 😄
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk.”
The wasted wino asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Obviously relieved, the wino said, “That’s a relief—I thought I was a cripple.”
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the joker enter the shop?
Because there was a board outside stating “No funny business”.
😄 😄 😄
Didn’t Snoop Dogg change his name?
Or was Snoop Lyin’?!
😄 😄 😄
Did you know the seagull was gods third attempt at creating the bird.
The A-gull and B-gull weren’t quite right.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so weak-minded that I got her to lead me to Jabba without using a Jedi mind trick!
😄 😄 😄
