Best Jokes (95)



What would you call a cute and sassy donut?

Glazing adoughrable.

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You might be a civil engineer if you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they did not get enough sleep.

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Yo mama so hairy when she auditioned for Planet of the Apes they made her pack leader.

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Love is like farting.

If you have to force it, it’s going to end in a mess.

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Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

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How did the barber win the bike race?

He took a short cut.

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What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

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Why don’t we inhabit Uranus?

That place is a Gas Hole.

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This is ridiculous. It’s July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.

One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

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Guess why football stadiums are so cool?

Most seats have a fan on them!

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You look awfully familiar.

Don’t I know you from yesterday?

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You’re so fat the only thing to compare you to is an elephant.

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Why was the HVAC guy fired?

Management was uncool about his performance.

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What do you call a guy leaning against a wall?

Art.

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What do you call a person from Portugal?

Portuguese.

What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?

Portugeezer.

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A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.

I took in a breath and asked aloud, β€œWhat’s that smell?”

She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, β€œChanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away.

About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.

She turns to me and asks, β€œWhat’s that smell?”

I say, β€œBroccoli, $1.49 a pound.”

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Yesterday I had an Adele chocolate Easter Bunny.

The first half was delicious, but it was hollow from the other side.

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I went to a blues concert dressed in all black.

I guess I wasn’t feeling very blues-sympathetic.

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Why don’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

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What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?

Air conditioner.

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