I watched hockey before it was cool.
They basically were swimming.
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I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.
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Why canโt penguins fly?
Theyโre not tall enough to be pilots.
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I was depressed in my job as a guillotine operator.
I just couldnโt see myself getting ahead in life with that job.
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What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
โYou are to little to smoke!โ
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Why does Mario prefer to hang out with Toad more than Luigi?
Because heโs a fun-gi.
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I asked Uranus about its love life.
And it replied, โItโs complicated, Iโm in a gas-tly relationship.โ
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Your mama so hot when she visits Antarctica locals call it summertime.
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A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: โThe best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasnโt my wife!โ
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: โAnd that woman was my mother!โ
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party.
He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.
He said loudly, โThe greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!โ
The wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out, โAnd I canโt remember who she was!โ
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There was a candy party, guess who was late as usual?
Choco-late.
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Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
Itโs hard to lose a bowling ball.
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Being an electrician really wasnโt the career I wanted, but I still go to work every day with a conduit attitude.
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Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โBacon.โ
โBacon, who?โ
โBacon me crazy waiting for breakfast!โ
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A cop stops a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He directs the man to blow into a breathalyzer.
Man:ย โIโm afraid I canโt do that, officer.โ
Cop: โWhatโs the harm?โ
Man:ย โBecause I have asthma. If I blow into that tube, I might have an asthma attack.โ
Cop: โAll right, weโll just get a urine sample at the station.โ
Man:ย โI canโt do that, officer.โ
Cop: โWhatโs the harm?โ
Man:ย โBecause I have diabetes. If I pee in a cup, I might get low blood sugar.โ
Cop: โAll right, weโll take a blood sample.โ
Man:ย โI canโt do that, officer.โ
Cop: โWhatโs the harm?โ
Man:ย โBecause I have hemophilia. I could die if I give blood.โ
Cop: โAll right, just walk this white line.โ
Man:ย โI canโt do that, officer.โ
Cop: โWhatโs the harm?โ
Man:ย โBecause Iโm drunk.โ
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Whatโs a neckbeardโs favorite thing to put on toast?
Marmโlady.
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Why do cats like August month?
Because it marks the end of the dog days of summer.
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What is small, square and green?
A small green square.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, youโre not allowed to end a sentence with a preposition.
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What kind of key is edible?
A turkey on Thanksgiving.
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How does a man from Alabama hold up his pants?
With a bible belt.
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