An onion just told me a joke.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
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The universe expands because everything is trying to get as far away from Chuck Norris as possible.
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A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
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Where do you park a camel?
At the Camelot.
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Why didn’t SpongeBob hear the doorbell when he was reading his magazine?
Because he was too absorbed in his reading.
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Once, there was a man who came from Spain to America.
He couldn’t speak English, so he went to a choir and learned how to say, “Me me me me me me.”
Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say, “He stole my dolly.”
On his way home, he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say, “Big butcher knife, big butcher knife.”
Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say, “Plug it in, plug it in.”
Later, he went to the store, and there was a murder.
The police said, “Who killed this man?”
The foreigner said, “Me me me me me me.”
The police said, “Why did you kill him?”
The man said, “He stole my dolly.”
The policeman said, “What did you kill him with?”
The man said, “Big butcher knife, big butcher knife.”
Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death.
The policeman said, “Any last words?”
The foreigner said, “Plug it in, plug it in.”
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My crush told me, “Come over, no ones home.”
I went over... no one was home.
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Do you know that moment in the morning right after you wake up when you feel fully rejuvenated and high in energy?
Yeah, me neither.
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How does a Gen Z’er tell a joke?
Idk bc fml lmao.
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How do Tusken Raiders cheat on their taxes?
They always single file, to hide their numbers.
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People always pick their noses, but I never did.
I have always liked the one nose that I was born with.
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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo at night.
Knowing that he could hop really high, the zoo officials decided to put up a ten-foot fence.
However, they were amazed to find the kangaroo was out again the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
So they put up a twenty-foot fence instead.
Again the next morning, they were amazed to find the kangaroo had still go out.
So they started to put up a forty foot high fence.
As the animals in the zoo watch this, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo replied, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night.”
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Dear math,
Please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
Thanks!
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Why is the sun such a famous celeb?
Because he is literally a shining star, as everyone knows.
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A ranger was assigned the task of hunting buffalo. He hired an aboriginal scout to assist him. They set out on their expedition to find buffalo.
After a while, the scout dismounts, places his ear to the ground, and says, “Humm, buffalo come.”
The ranger looks around with his binoculars but sees nothing.
“I see nothing,” he says to the scout, “how do you know buffalo are coming?”
“Ear sticky,” says the scout.
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My wife said she wanted to name our child Eevee because she thought it would be cool to name it after a Pokémon.
I said, “Ditto.”
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I heard about a blue whale who was feeling down.
It was a huge ordeal.
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Why did the man who couldn’t grow a beard tape a rabbit to his face?
Then he would get the facial hare he always wanted.
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Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings.
One by one...
As each relative goes home.
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Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.
After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head.
“How you like it?” asked the barber.
“Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”
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