Wanted to give being a comedian a try, but I fell and couldn’t stand up...
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Guess what you call someone who never falls down the stairs?
A stair-voyant.
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During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
He’s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
– Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.
– Doesn’t need heating.
But he still needs one more.
And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
– Has great packaging.
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An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber
Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge.
He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot, “Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!”
The bomber pilot replies, “Oh, yeah? Let’s see you do this!” and keeps flying straight and level.
The fighter jock asks, “Um... What did you do?”
The B-52 pilot says, “I just shut down two engines.”
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Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Caterpillar.”
“Caterpillar, who?”
“Caterpillar a few mice for you!”
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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
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After hours of waiting for the bowling alley to open...
We finally got the ball rolling.
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What is an alpaca that is mixed with a dog called?
A Wool-f.
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What is a software developer?
A person who does precision guesswork based on unreliable data provided by those with questionable knowledge.
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Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
Because he was out-standing in his field.
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Yo mama so ugly she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.
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What do you call the child of a civil engineer?
A truss fund baby.
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Good morning!
Remember, life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
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The Koreans were printing with movable type in 1403.
I was in 1402 and the noise kept me awake all night.
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Where do most ants live?
In Antlantic City.
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It was the first day of school.
Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”
“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”
“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”
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Guess what happened to the man who played board games all his life?
He got bored with playing games!
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What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
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I never knew what happiness was until I got married.
And then it was too late.
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