I own a furniture store.
My job is sofa king cool.
😄 😄 😄
I go to the gym religiously.
About twice a year, around holidays.
😄 😄 😄
My wife has been mad at me lately because she says I need to get my priorities straight.
I told her we can talk about it after this episode of SpongeBob.
😄 😄 😄
Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor.
The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor.
This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, “There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit.”
After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor’s son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.
Perplexed, he asked, “Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?”
“It’s very simple,” replied the tailor, “The other tailor has two sons.”
😄 😄 😄
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
😄 😄 😄
Warning!
Birthday donuts will make your clothes shrink!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the feminist fail algebra?
She couldn’t solve inequalities.
😄 😄 😄
A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That’s a lot of heritage to inherit.
They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.
A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish.
After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi O’Lee.
😄 😄 😄
I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take.
Don’t get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I known it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.
😄 😄 😄
What did the lettuce say to the ship?
ICEBERG!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so dumb and hungry the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.
😄 😄 😄
Father’s Day was near when I brought my son to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.
When I looked back, my son was picking up one card after another, opening them up, and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way.
“Son, what are you doing?” I asked. “Haven’t you found a nice card for daddy yet?”
“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”
😄 😄 😄
Sure, working from home can have its disadvantages.
I miss the office politics, the lack of freedom and having to wear shoes.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the bird flu?
I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.
😄 😄 😄
Boomers: When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.
Generation X: When life hands you lemons, create a business to market lemon juice as a healthy, low carb, low sugar variation to lemonade. Make millions.
Millennials: Lol, as if anyone would just “hand me” some lemons.
😄 😄 😄
It’s ironic how my aunt died given that her zodiac sign is cancer.
She was killed by a giant crab.
😄 😄 😄
A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.
“Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,” the pharmacist says. “Don’t worry,” replies the patient. “It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the barbecue say on Labor Day weekend?
Time to get fired up!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a bad electrician?
A shock absorber.
😄 😄 😄
