What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A har-vest.
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So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favorite Star Wars character.
You shouldโve seen the Luke on her face.
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What is a wolfโs favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
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I got a pet owl named Robin.
Robin Hoo-d.
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The banker fell overboard from a friendโs sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, โCan you float alone?โ
โObviously,โ the banker replied, โbut this is a heck of a time to talk business.โ
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Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.
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Why did the cactus join the orchestra?
Because it could play the prickle-o.
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Your mama so stupid I told her Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
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A teacher told her first grade class, โA single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!โ
A little girl gasped, โHow about the married ones?โ
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You know what Lego set Trump played with as a kid?
The wall maker set.
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Johnny paid his way through college by waiting in a restaurant.
โWhatโs the usual tip?โ asked a customer.
โWell,โ said Johnny, โThis is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, Iโd be doing great.โ
โIs that so?โ growled the customer. โIn that case, hereโs twenty dollars.โ
โThanks. Iโll put it in my college fund,โ Johnny said.
โBy the way, what are you studying?โ asked the customer.
โApplied psychology.โ
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What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?
Grave-y!
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Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme.
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A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasnโt very good, they got along very well.
One day, he rushes into a lawyerโs office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions.
Lawyer: โHave you any grounds?โ
Polish man: โYes, an acre and half and a nice little home.โ
Lawyer: โNo, I mean, what is the foundation of this case?โ
Polish man: โItโs made of concrete.โ
Lawyer: โI donโt think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?โ
Polish man: โNo, we have a carport, and not need one.โ
Lawyer: โI mean, what are your relations like?โ
Polish man: โAll my relations are still in Poland.โ
Lawyer: โIs there any infidelity in your marriage?โ
Polish man: โWe have a hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.โ
Lawyer: โDoes your wife beat you up?โ
Polish man: โNo, I always get up before her.โ
Lawyer: โWhy do you want this divorce?โ
Polish man: โSheโs going to kill me.โ
Lawyer: โWhat makes you think that?โ Polish man: โIโve got proof.โ
Lawyer: โWhat kind of proof?โ
Polish man: โSheโs going to poison me. She bought a bottle at the drugstore and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read English pretty well, and it says: POLISH REMOVER.โ
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People who say โGood morningโ should be forced to prove it.
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My brother just broke the record by downing 22 jets.
Heโll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Air Force.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
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Good morning!
Hope your morning is less Monday and more Friday!
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What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?
Plump kin.
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Two guys in an insane asylum are up for parole.
The first guy goes to see the committee, and they ask him some questions.
Committee: โWho discovered America?โ
Guy 1: โChristopher Columbus.โ
Committee: โHow long ago was that?โ
Guy 1: โAround three hundred years.โ
Committee: โDo aliens exist?โ
Guy 1: โItโs possible, but thereโs no proof.โ
He goes back outside and says to the other insane guy, โItโs easy, you just answer โChristopher Columbusโ, โAround three hundred yearsโ, and โItโs possible, but thereโs no proofโ.
So the other guy goes in, and the questions begin.
Committee: โWhatโs your name?โ
Guy 2: โChristopher Columbus.โ
Committee (incredulously): โHow old are you?โ
Guy 2 (with conviction): โAround three hundred years.โ
Committee: โAre you insane?โ
Guy 2: โItโs possible, but thereโs no proof.โ
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