Iβm out of bed and I made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?
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Why are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them!
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What do you call an aboriginal hanging in a tree?
Abocado.
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Whatβs Uranusβ favorite type of vehicle?
Gas-guzzler.
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How long does it take for a physician to change a light bulb?
As long as it takes to find a nurse.
How long does it take for the nurse to change the light bulb?
30 seconds, but 45 minutes to document it.
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Sergeant: βI didnβt see you at camouflage training.β
Private: βThank you, sir!β
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I just saw a squirrel bury a nut in my back yard.
Iβm going to dig it up and replace it with a chocolate bar.
Thatβll blow his mind.
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Crush: βWhy should I trust you? All the guys Iβve been dating have been dogs.β
Me: β...β
Crush: βWell? Arenβt you going to say anything?β
Me: β... meow?β
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Two monsters went to a party.
Suddenly one said to the other, βA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?β
βBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.β
π π π
It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.
The wife and the mother-in-law.
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What happens when you propose to someone blind on Friday the 13th?
They tell you that they are seeing someone else.
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So one day, grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to grandmaβs kitchen.
βWell now, whereβs my bucket, and whereβs my water?β grandma asked him.
βI canβt get any water from that waterhole, grandma,β exclaimed Johnny. βThereβs a BIG olβ alligator down there!β
βNow donβt you mind that olβ alligator, Johnny. Heβs been there for a few years now, and heβs never hurt anyone. Why, heβs probably as scared of you as you are of him!β
βWell, grandma,β replied Johnny, βif heβs as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ainβt fit to drink!β
π π π
Did you hear about the comedian who calls himself The Sofa King?
Heβs sofa king funny.
π π π
Two snakes are slithering down the road and chatting.
Snake 1: βOh, boy. I hope Iβm not venomous...β
Snake 2: βWait, what? Why?β
Snake 1: βBecause I just bit my tongue.β
π π π
The other day my yoga instructor turned up to the class drunk.
I was put in quite an awkward position.
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How many Chelsea managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. The light bulb lasts longer than any manager.
π π π
What disease did the YouTuber contract?
Influenza.
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Yo mama so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and itβs still printing.
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What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?
Basqueing.
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Can you guess who you should never lie to?
An x-ray operatorβthey can see right through you!
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