How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
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Guess what is my favorite tea?
I would say you Hot tea.
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What’s an owl’s favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
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A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, “Why have you got a fried egg on your head?”
The man replies, “Because boiled eggs fall off.”
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It’s been raining for 3 days without stopping.
My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.
If the rain doesn’t stop tomorrow, I’ll have to let her in.
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Why did Helen Keller’s husband often become upset with her?
Because she just didn’t listen.
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Yo momma's arm-pits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.
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What do you say when it’s the end of the month?
Oct-over.
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Yo head is so big if it were a bowling ball, score a strike every time.
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Why do all Fortnite players have healthy gums?
Because they floss regularly.
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Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?
My ex!
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What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?
Jail-y Donuts.
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When I first heard the proposal to rename Oklahoma City after Ohio, I was confused as to why anyone would want that.
But after hearing someone explain the logic behind it, I thought to myself:
“OH, OK.”
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
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Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
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I lost my whole Lord of The Rings Lego set.
Now I’m Legoless.
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Did you hear about the $4,000,000 Alabama State Lottery?
The winner gets $4 a year for a million years.
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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
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Why do fat people cause earthquakes?
Because they’re always moving plates.
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Chuck Norris plays the violin with a piano.
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