Why did the llama cross the road?
Because it was the chicken’s day off.
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What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke?
The snack that’s also crack.
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Who is Greta Thunberg’s favorite comedian?
Amy Schumer, because she recycles all her jokes.
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When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hot dogs and my favorite candy.
You can’t do that these days...
Too many damned security cameras.
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A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.
Upon reaching it, one of the first things he did was go into a department store.
He found his way to the menswear department, where a young lady offered to help him.
“Quiero calcetines (I want socks),” said the man.
“I don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero trajes, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want suits, I want socks),” said the man.
“Well, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero camisas, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want shirts, I want socks),” repeated the man.
“I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero pantalones, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want pants, I want socks),” insisted the man.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair.
Holding them up, he proclaimed, “Eso sí que es (Now that’s it)!”
“Then why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!” yelled the salesgirl.
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It’s Black Friday, and people are lining up around the block at the local Best Buy.
The people in the line beat up a well-dressed man who comes to the front of the line. He attempts it again and is knocked down.
He then mutters, “If people will be like that, I’m not opening the store.”
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Why do fungi have to pay extra on the bus?
Because they take up too mush-room.
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”
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Need a couch? Have you tried Sofa Kings?
Their prices are sofa king cheap!
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Why did ChatGPT get kicked out of school?
Because it knew too much.
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What is round, huge, and very gassy?
Uranus.
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What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
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A bear walks into an ice cream shop.
Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?
Bear: Hi, I’d like a scoop of chocolate...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...chip.
Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what’s with the pause?
Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!
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Which Marvel supervillain loves being under the sun?
Tan-os.
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Two Karens are out for lunch.
The waiter approaches them and asks, “Is anything OK?”
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What do you call it when a whole bunch of cacti fall over?
A cac-tas-trophy.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
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My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.
Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.
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Why don’t marketers make good chefs?
Because they’re too obsessed with serving ads rather than actual cooking.
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What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot.
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