Mickey Mouse was arrested for identity theft.
He was charged with being Goofy.
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A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
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I am sweating like a snowman in the desert.
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Yo mama’s ears are so big she can hear what I’m thinking.
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Guess what kind of hike I went on today?
I hiked my pants.
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My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side.
One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together, she asked me if she should change anything in her life.
I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better.
At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.
After the first day, I didn’t see anything. To be expected, of course, these things take time.
Three days later, nothing.
A week later, nothing.
Two weeks later, and I finally started to see something.
Thank god for that, I thought she knocked the light out of my eyes for good.
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Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
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I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
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How many non-vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer to stay in the dark.
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Where does Spider-Man poop?
Web-ever he wants.
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What treat is never on time?
Choco-Late.
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What did the doctor say about the tall person who was in a rush to see him?
“I just wish he was a little patient.”
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I took a class on Narcissism.
I’m pretty sure I blew everyone away.
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I saw a butterfly with no wings today.
I poured some Red Bull on it and BAM... it drowned.
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What sign was hanging outside the room where all the donut lovers were having a meeting?
It was a sign that said “Donut disturb!”.
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When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn on the light.
He turns off the dark.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl be sure to use the bell next time!”
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My girlfriend told me I care more about my programming job than about her.
I told her she is the #1 thing I care about.
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The president wants to know which of the enforcement agencies is the best at convicting criminals, so he sets a test for the CIA, FBI, and LAPD. He releases a rabbit into the forest and asks them to apprehend it.
The CIA goes in first, using drones to scan the trees, paying the other animals for information, and conducting experiments. After a few months, they find nothing, so they report back that there is no such thing as a rabbit.
The FBI goes in next, but after a few weeks the search is unsuccessful, so they raid the forest, burning it to the ground, including all the other animals and the rabbit. They report back, making no apologies, saying the rabbit deserved it.
The LAPD enters last, and after only a few hours a bruised and battered deer stumbles out of the forest shouting, “Alright, alright, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”
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I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great-uncle fought for the west!
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