What’s the full name of somebody who loves Japanese animation?
Annie Maniac.
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A man walks up to the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks, “How did you get here?”
The man answers, “Flu.”
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What do you call a single kernel of corn?
A uni-corn.
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The only reason you don’t stress out about anything is because you’re always asleep.
Get up and feel the world. A little bit won’t hurt you.
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My 2 year old sister’s stinky feet were smelling like cheese.
My dad was wondering what happened, so I told him that she had chee-toes.
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The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.
The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.
The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.
Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping her temples.
The Scarecrow says, “What’s the matter with you guys?”
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I’ll just say “morning” because a good morning would be much later on a Saturday.
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You’re so fat you can’t even see your own feet.
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Boebert asked her coworker, “Do you have any kids?”
“Yes,” she replied, “I have one child that’s just under two.”
Then Boebert said, “I might be stupid, but I know how many one is.”
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My sister and I decided that we want to start our own businesses.
She’s going to open a furniture store called “Sofa King” and I’m going to open a soup restaurant next door called “Stew Pit”.
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A group of friends put together a basketball team to play in the local town league and called the team “Bye”.
So far they have accumulated 4 wins from opponents’ no-shows.
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Yo mamma’s so fat she can’t go to a spaceport because x-wings keep trying to land on her back.
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WFH diary, day 1:
Power went out during recording, construction workers are extra loud today, daughter walked in on a meeting singing “I like banaaaaanas” at the top of her lungs.
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When Mark Zuckerberg made Facebook, he already had a friend request from Chuck Norris.
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Why are they called the armed forces?
Because it’s hard to fight a war with just your legs.
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Yo mamma’s so stupid she thought Darth Maul was a place to shop.
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For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it in a bottle of ethanol. He then asks his students if it will dissolve.
A student raise his hand to answer.
Student: “No, it won’t dissolve, sir.”
Teacher: “Really good! Now, can you explain to the rest of the class why?”
Student: “You’re so cheap, there’s no way you would’ve sacrificed that $20.”
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I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.
It was my manager’s fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.
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They say today is Pi Day.
But for me, it will always be cake day!
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How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
The players don’t yell “Fore!” they yell “$3.99!”.
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