I was invited to go play Dungeons and Dragons. I was told I needed to pick a race and a class for my character. So I picked white and middle.
Apparently that’s not how it’s played, but I just think they know I’d win.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mamma’s so ugly they cut her Cantina scenes in Star Wars.
😄 😄 😄
A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.
The bartender immediately tells them, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food here.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the pharmacist who got hit with a bottle of omega-3?
They are okay, the injuries were superfishoil.
😄 😄 😄
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
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What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist?
It is a great peach of work.
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What’s a drummer’s favorite vegetable?
Beets.
😄 😄 😄
Two guys are walking through a national park and they come across a bear that has not eaten for days.
The bear sees the two men and starts chasing them. They run as fast as they can.
One guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this bear into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the bear is still chasing, and he sees the bear on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the bear.
As he comes closer to the bear, he hears it saying a prayer, “Thank you, Lord, for the food I am about to receive.”
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A mechanical engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire.
The purchasing agent says, “We need to buy a new tire.”
The mechanical engineer says, “No, I think I can fix this one.”
And the software engineer says, “Let’s drive on it for a while, maybe it’ll fix itself.”
😄 😄 😄
I sued the airport the other day because they didn’t want to give me my luggage.
Guess what, I lost the case.
😄 😄 😄
One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God. “Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun. “They’re so hard to peel.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the cat like eating lemons?
Because he was a sourpuss.
😄 😄 😄
How does Uranus like its coffee?
Black, with a little bit of gas.
😄 😄 😄
A biker is riding a new motorbike on the highway.
While passing a car, he knocks on the window.
The driver of the car opens the window, “Yes?”
“Ever driven a Honda motorbike?”
“No, I haven’t.”
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window.
The driver of the car opens the window, “Yes?”
“Ever driven a Honda motorbike?”
“No, I haven’t.”
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch.
A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.
Covered in blood, the biker asks, “Ever driven a Honda motorbike?”
“Yes, I have. I had a Honda for 20 years.”
The biker says, “Tell me, where are the brakes?”
😄 😄 😄
Do you know where the Torah mentions baseball?
In the big inning.
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I thought breakfast in bed would be a nice Mother’s Day treat for my Mom.
So I’ve put a camp bed next to the stove for her.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyathinkysaurus.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can pick up a missed call.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a Novocain injection during root canal treatment?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat she uses the highway as a slip and slide.
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