Yo mamma’s so stupid she thought Darth Maul was a place to shop.
😄 😄 😄
Three women escape from prison—a blonde and two brunettes—and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farmhouse.
Inside the house, there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.
One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, “There are just three burlap sacks in here!”
To which his partner replies, “Then kick them just to be sure it’s not them hiding”.
The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, “MEEEYYOWW!”
The officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid cat in there.”
So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, “RUUFFF RUFFF!”
The officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid dog!”
Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, “POTATOES!”
😄 😄 😄
What does Spider-Man do when he’s not fighting crime?
Web Development.
😄 😄 😄
If watermelon has water in it...
Then what does a kumquat have?
😄 😄 😄
Not to be Mushy but since it is your birthday I just want to say: I think you are the most Fungiing awesome mom, you are cute as a Button, you put in the fun in Fungus, you have always been there for Morel support, and you are like a Truffle—hard to find and incredibly valuable.
You are the Champion of Moms! I mean I turned out alright, not to toot my own Trumpet.
😄 😄 😄
I hated my haircut at first...
But now it’s starting to grow on me.
😄 😄 😄
What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
“Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.”
😄 😄 😄
When a peanut butter hears a sweet song it exclaims:
“That’s my jam!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Gladys.”
“Gladys, who?”
“Gladys Christmas. You too?”
😄 😄 😄
“The word of the day is ‘contagious’,” said the teacher. “Who can use it in a sentence?”
Little Jenny stood up and said, “My dad has a cold and said it’s contagious.”
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said, “Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think it’s contagious.”
Happy with Billy’s response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up, “Miss, my next door neighbor is painting his house with a 1-inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.”
😄 😄 😄
Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.
The landlady said to me, “We charge twenty pounds a night—bed and breakfast—or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.”
“Oh, all right,” I said, “I’ll make the bed.”
And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat that even stormtroopers can’t miss her.
😄 😄 😄
I saw a blue crab today.
It was quite a claw-some sight.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly when she was born, the nurse said, “I think it is a child...”
😄 😄 😄
The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
“Ma’am,” said the employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.”
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, “So that’s why no one was in church today...”
😄 😄 😄
What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Yammies.
😄 😄 😄
I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend’s mustache.
Now she’s not talking to me.
😄 😄 😄
A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.
He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”
“That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man.
“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”
“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
😄 😄 😄
