I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.
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I watched a baseball game once, where the umpire kept wandering about and was eventually knocked out by a ball.
It was the fall of the roaminβ umpire.
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What do you call a hot dog race?
Wiener takes all.
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Lawyer: βEverybody hates lawyers until they need one.β
Architect: βEverybody loves architects until they need one.β
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How was your ear operation?
Thursday.
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I recently heard about a study that said that all the so-called βbrain foodsβ donβt actually help your brain at all. Itβs all just pseudoscience.
Food for thought.
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Iβm so cool I wasnβt actually born, I was defrosted.
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How do flat Earthers travel the Earth?
On a plane.
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What do you call a baby with a drum?
A baby boomer.
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Yo Mama so stupid she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.
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NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...
They found it to be a poophole.
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Yo mama so old her breast milk is powder.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βNoah.β
βNoah, who?β
βKnow a place I can hide from ghosts?!β
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Iβve finally saved up enough for solar panels.
Whatβs holding me back is that I canβt afford a house.
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Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, youβll be a mile away and youβll have their shoes.
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You enter the laboratory and see an experiment.
How will you know which class is it?
If itβs green and wiggles, itβs biology.
If it stinks, itβs chemistry.
If it doesnβt work, itβs physics.
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Why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg cracked a yolk!
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I confused Thanksgiving with Tanksgiving.
Now Iβm in trouble with the U.S. Army.
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Why did the foot smile?
He was toe happy.
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A boy calls 911.
β911, what is your emergency?β
The boy replied, βMy parents are fighting, and Iβm scared..β
βWell, whoβs your father?β
βWell, thatβs what theyβre fighting about.β
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