What do you call Spider-Man when he quits The Daily Bugle and starts working as a valet?
Peter PARKER.
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What three things would you bring if you were stranded on a deserted island?
Irony, the Oxford comma and a missed opportunity.
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At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”
“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”
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A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “What do you mean?”
“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
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What do you call an aboriginal in a lamp?
An abori-genie.
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What does a panda ghost eat?
Bam-BOO!
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Why are mushroom children so good?
They don’t want to get in truffle.
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What do you call a single kernel of corn?
A uni-corn.
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I played an April Fools’ joke on my parkour team this morning.
They all fell for it.
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What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad”
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How does Uranus apologize for being late?
It blames it on its orbit.
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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
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Your mama is so ugly she made One Direction go in another direction.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Noah.”
“Noah, who?”
“Noah better way to wish you a happy birthday!”
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Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?
He was always afraid he was following someone.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Possum.”
“Possum, who?”
“Possum gravy on my potatoes.”
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Apparently NASA are extremely tired of all of the jokes that are made about Uranus so they decided to rename it to Urectum.
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What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
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What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water?
Dolphout.
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Your mama so stupid she yelled into an envelope because she wanted to send a voicemail.
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