It’s hotter than asphalt on a California driveway.
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Gas prices are getting ridiculous.
I went online to check the value of my car, and it asked if the tank was empty or full.
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What do you call it when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week?
Ogretime.
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After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?”
Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 pickles.”
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I wanted to make nachos, but my dad took the cheese.
He claimed it wasn’t mine.
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What is a deer’s favorite boba flavor?
C-antelope!
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What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?
By live stream.
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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery?
He’s so happy that he’s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
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There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.
Morel of the storey.
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My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”
Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.
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Why did the real estate agent fail to sell the house next to a horse stable?
Because his clients were worried about the neigh-bors.
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Yo momma is so stupid when I said “Drinks are on the house” she got a ladder.
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I get so nervous during earthquakes.
That I start shaking uncontrollably.
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I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .
That’s when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.
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What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
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Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to see how long he slept!
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It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.
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Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.
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My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.
It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
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