Two otters are going on a journey in a van. Who is driving?
Animal control.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”
Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”
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What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
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My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace.
After a few hours I finally found the exit.
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What did Chuck Norris get when he visited the feminist rally for women’s rights?
He got his shirt ironed.
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While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, “How old are they?”
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s a rather exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
“Well,” answers the guard, “The dinosaur bones were seventy-three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
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Why do doctors hate popular Instagram accounts that only post in the spring?
Because they’re seasonal influencers.
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Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them, “It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four.”
“Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.”
“You cannot pull that one on me,” replies Paddy. “Quattro means four. You have five people in your car, and you are therefore breaking the law.”
The Scotsmen reply angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”
“Sorry,” responds Paddy, “Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”
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What is a sloth’s favorite form of exercise?
Running late.
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A student holds a gun to his English teacher, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
English teacher: “You mean history.”
Student: “Don’t change the subject!”
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There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. It’s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.
With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.
His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, “No, they are for the funeral.”
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I used to be one of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot.
But then I discovered oven mitts.
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What did the slave owners use to purchase their slaves?
A MasterCard.
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The human brain is amazing.
It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.
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The most annoying thing about working from home is awkward Skype calls with clients.
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Why do women talk less in February?
Cause there are only 28 days.
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Where do electricians get their supplies?
The Ohm Depot.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Dee.”
“Dee, who?”
“Deer are cool, but reindeer are cooler!”
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Why didn’t the octopus fight the shark?
Because he was spineless.
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What do you call a gangster who wears eyeliner?
An emoji.
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