An old man was on his deathbed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor, and his real estate agent to his bedside.
“Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”
“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor. “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.”
The real estate agent was aghast, “I’m ashamed of both of you, I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”
😄 😄 😄
Non-autistic person: “Autistic people take everything literally.”
Autistic person: “No, that’s kleptomaniacs.”
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man came all the way down here to tell me I dropped his phone number.
😄 😄 😄
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office.
I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said, “No, this is light.”
😄 😄 😄
One day at football practice, the nose was sad.
It was probably because he didn’t get picked.
😄 😄 😄
Today I’m making fish cakes covered in bread crumbs.
It will be a challenge because I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before.
😄 😄 😄
Where do vegetarian vampires live?
Plantsylvania.
😄 😄 😄
Don’t you love sitting on the sofa late at night with a glass of wine in your hand?
Until the police come along and kick you out of IKEA.
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Like a garbage phoenix, you shall rise from the gutter you call bed.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat the horse on her polo shirt is real.
😄 😄 😄
Which bakery should you go to on the Fourth of July?
The one that sells pastries with stars and stripes. The rest are just un-pastry-otic.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the sun not go to college?
Because it already has a million degrees!
😄 😄 😄
The EU was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner.
But they refused to have turkey.
😄 😄 😄
My friends came over for band practice.
My dad came downstairs with a jar of peanut butter and said, “I brought this to go with your jam.”
😄 😄 😄
Your ears are so big you use shower heads as earbuds.
😄 😄 😄
How did the hot dog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a unicorn with two horns?
A goat.
😄 😄 😄
My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.
She won’t find out until she unpacks her luggage.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid I said “Kool-Aid” and she jumped through the wall.
😄 😄 😄
Santa saw your Facebook pictures...
You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
😄 😄 😄
