I watched hockey before it was cool.
They basically were swimming.
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I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.
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Why can’t penguins fly?
They’re not tall enough to be pilots.
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I was depressed in my job as a guillotine operator.
I just couldn’t see myself getting ahead in life with that job.
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What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
“You are to little to smoke!”
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Why does Mario prefer to hang out with Toad more than Luigi?
Because he’s a fun-gi.
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I asked Uranus about its love life.
And it replied, “It’s complicated, I’m in a gas-tly relationship.”
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Your mama so hot when she visits Antarctica locals call it summertime.
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A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party.
He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.
He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”
The wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out, “And I can’t remember who she was!”
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There was a candy party, guess who was late as usual?
Choco-late.
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Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.
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Being an electrician really wasn’t the career I wanted, but I still go to work every day with a conduit attitude.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Bacon.”
“Bacon, who?”
“Bacon me crazy waiting for breakfast!”
😄 😄 😄
A cop stops a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He directs the man to blow into a breathalyzer.
Man: “I’m afraid I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have asthma. If I blow into that tube, I might have an asthma attack.”
Cop: “All right, we’ll just get a urine sample at the station.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have diabetes. If I pee in a cup, I might get low blood sugar.”
Cop: “All right, we’ll take a blood sample.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have hemophilia. I could die if I give blood.”
Cop: “All right, just walk this white line.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I’m drunk.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s a neckbeard’s favorite thing to put on toast?
Marm’lady.
😄 😄 😄
Why do cats like August month?
Because it marks the end of the dog days of summer.
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What is small, square and green?
A small green square.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you’re not allowed to end a sentence with a preposition.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of key is edible?
A turkey on Thanksgiving.
😄 😄 😄
How does a man from Alabama hold up his pants?
With a bible belt.
😄 😄 😄
