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A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port in France and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places.
“Oui, monsieur. What is the destination port for this load?”
“I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil.”
“Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal?”
“Why is that, sir?”
“If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese, of course!”
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Retail job interview (2012).
“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”
“You mean after the global pandemic or before the war?”
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It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.
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Flight attendant: “Do we have a doctor on board?”
Me: “I have a PhD in mathematics.”
Flight attendant: “One passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack.”
Me (nodding): “That makes two.”
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I see double!”
Doctor: “Sit on the chair please.”
Patient: “Which one?”
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My neighbors listen to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
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What did the butter say to the bread?
“I’m on a roll!”
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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?
Phil.
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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Son, go get your mother.”
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Three mistakes of my life: WTF (WhatsApp, Twitter, Facebook).
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How does the moon do his nails?
Eclipse them.
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Two yokels were driving to the next village’s May Day Fair.
They came to a sign that said: May Day Fair Left.
So they turned around and went home.
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What’s a skunk’s philosophy of life?
Eat, stink, and be merry.
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What happens to NFC football players who go blind?
They become referees.
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“Dad, did you ever fall in love?”
“Yes, son. I did once.”
“And, what happened?”
“In the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.”
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I saw a lady in tears at the store.
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.
I gave her 100$ because I felt sorry for her.
Plus I had just found about $1,600 in the parking lot.
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An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.
The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, “Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene, we must cut it off.”
The English prisoner said, “Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.”
The German replied, “Yeah, that will not be a problem.”
A few weeks later, the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.
The Englishman says, “Well, could drop it over England like you did last time.”
“Yeah, that will be done,” says the German.
The next day, the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.
Once again, the Brit says, “Well, could you do the same as before?”
The German replies, “Yeah.”
The next day, the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.
“Well,” begins the Brit, “could you just...”
The German snapped, “No! We think you are trying to escape!”
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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in, and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Jim says, “Me too. You know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?”
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning, Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It’s Jim.
Jim: “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Dave: “I feel great, how about you?”
Jim: “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
Dave: “No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”
Jim: “Yeah, well there’s just one thing.”
Dave: “What’s that?”
Jim: “Have you farted yet?”
Dave: “No.”
Jim: “Well, DON’T—because I’m in New Zealand.”
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A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.
Then one day his father dies.
When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.
But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.
The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesn’t know any of the people’s traditional teachings.
So to be on the safe side, he says, “Yes. Better start gathering firewood.”
So they do.
Later that week, he decides to call up the National Weather Service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.
They say, “Apparently, it’s going to be pretty cold this year.”
So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.
The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.
They say “Yes! Apparently, it’s going to be even colder than we previously thought.”
So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.
He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him it’s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.
The chief asks how they know that.
And the man tells him, “I have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!”
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