Best Jokes (95)



Two mushrooms were talking about politics.

One mushroom said, β€œI think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”

The other said, β€œThat’s a shiitake.”

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Yo mama is so fat she did the Kessel run instantly because she is on both sides of it.

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How do you identify a Santa in a classroom?

It is simple, check who’s erasing his notes when the teacher is cleaning the board.

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What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?

Birds are always perching on it!

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Why was everyone keeping their food on my friend’s head?

He had got a bowl cut!

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Some people wake up finding messages like β€œGood morning baby”.

I wake up with β€œBattery full, Remove charger”.

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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of humor?

Dark matter jokes.

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What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

Every morning you will rise and shine!

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A Redskins fan, an Eagles fan, a Cowboys fan, and a Giants fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.

The Redskins fan insists he is the most loyal.

β€œThis is for the Redskins!” he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, β€œThis is for the Eagles!” and throws himself off the mountain.

The Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team.

He yells, β€œThis is for everyone!” and pushes the Cowboys fan off the mountain.

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Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?

His father was hard-boiled.

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I’ve just seen a dentist having a big row with a manicurist.

They fought tooth and nail.

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I got really badΒ sunburnΒ after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.

I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.

I guess they put it on the back burner.

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What’s a vegetable’s favorite martial art?

Carrotee!

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Why did the peanut butter and jelly break up?

Because they were always spread too thin.

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Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking.

One blonde says to the other, β€œWhich do you think is farther away Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde turns and says, β€œHellooooooo, can you see Florida?”

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Why is bowling a better sport than golf?

It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.

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Why is the sun not very heavy to carry?

Because it is really very light.

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My libertarian neighbor posted a newspaper ad selling his collection of Star Trek ships.

And here I thought he believed in free Enterprise.

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What’s the difference between popcorn and pea soup?

Anyone can pop corn, but you can’t pee soup.

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Where does a lobster keep its clothes?

In the clawset.

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