Best Jokes (95)



Madonna is 54 and her boyfriend’s 25.

Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend’s 26.

So if you’re single it’s ok, maybe he’s just not born yet.

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How did the Catholic priest finish the marathon?

He was second to nun.

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Why do anteaters never get colds?

Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!

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What does Spider-Man do when he gets angry?

He goes up the wall.

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If you’re looking for Spider-Man, you can always find him on the web.

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Chuck Norris can fold a fitted sheet.

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I saw my sister weeping uncontrollably, worried that her Economics degree wouldn’t land her a job.

I said, β€œAre you having a financial cry, sis?”

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What did Uranus say to Earth?

β€œYou’re always following me around. Give me some space!”

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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?

Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

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Why do camels make the best comedians on Wednesdays?

Because they know how to get everyone laughing over the hump.

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My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh harder.

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One day you can be a morning person, but today is not that day.

It’s the afternoon.

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How do you remove the inherent bureaucracy that’s plaguing the donut industry?

Cut out the middle, man.

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Good morning!

Hope your morning is less Monday and more Friday!

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What did Earth say to the other planets?

Get a life!

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Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.

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What do you call a realistic prankster?

A practical joker.

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I ordered a book called β€œHow to scam people online” two months ago.

It still hasn’t arrived yet.

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You can’t fit inside a tuna can.

But a tuna can.

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Johnny is struggling with recovery and, as luck would have it, he is pulled over by a policeman the one time he slips up.

β€œSir, I smell alcohol on your breath. Have you been drinking today?”

β€œWell, officer, you’d be drinking too if you’d just killed your wife.”

β€œWHAT!? Are you confessing to murder?”

β€œThe handgun is hidden under the seat. Her body, bless her soul, is wrapped in a sheet in the trunk of the car.”

The officer, stunned, handcuffs Johnny and calls for his sergeant.

The sergeant arrives, takes the car keys and opens the trunk.

β€œThere’s no body in here,” he says to the patrolman. β€œI thought you said there was a homicide?”

He then searches under the seat, β€œAnd no gun either.”

The sergeant turns to Johnny for an explanation.

β€œGee, I bet he said I was drinking too.”

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