What do you call a female crab who is also single?
Ms. Shell.
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What do you call an otter who’s obsessed with trains?
A trainsp-otter.
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Working from home. Day 1:
This’ll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.
Day 8:
Engages in conversation with a lamp...
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Guess the difference between a hot dog and a corn dog?
One’s stuck up, while the other is laid back!
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I hope they never ban algebra.
Think of the aftermath!
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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, “You think maybe we should have just said “Bridge Out” instead?”
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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approaches him and beats him up.
Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station.
Herman walks into the Sergeant’s office.
“What happened to you? the officer asks.
“A gang of snails beat me up,” Herman replied.
“Can you describe what they looked like?”
“I don’t know,” the sloth says. “It all happened so fast.”
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How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?
Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.
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How do you organize a party for the moon?
You just planet!
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What dinosaur would Harry Potter be?
The Dinosorcerer.
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Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
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Chuck Norris can speak braille.
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Spider-Man became a vigilante.
Meanwhile, Aunt May became a vigil auntie.
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What did the basketball player who loved donuts say after the match?
Let’s go to Dunkin’ Donuts for the hole food protein!
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You so dumb you tried to put a key in your computer’s keyboard.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Gopher.”
“Gopher, who?”
“Gopher the balloons, it’s party time!”
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A lion, a zebra, and a sloth walk into a gym.
The personal trainer approaches them and asks, “What are your fitness goals?”
The lion replies, “I want to improve my speed and agility for hunting.”
The zebra says, “I’d like to work on my endurance to outrun predators.”
The sloth sighs, “I just need to learn to hang in there.”
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I saw a lady in tears at the store.
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.
I gave her 100$ because I felt sorry for her.
Plus I had just found about $1,600 in the parking lot.
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The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads “Please use toilet brush after using the toilet”.
Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?
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What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
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