Chuck Norris doesnβt wear a watch.
He decides what time it is.
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Itβs always good to find out youβre going to be working from home.
Unless youβre a firefighter.
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What do youΒ callΒ a hip bone thatβs late for surgery?
Hip-late.
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I got really hungry when we visited the Alpaca Farm, next time Alpaca lunch.
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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
βIf I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?β, he asked her.
The secretary replied, βEverything but my earrings.β
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Itβs hotter than a redheadβs getting a parking ticket.
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Yo sister so fat the only way she burns calories is when her food catches on fire.
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Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
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Is your dad an alien because youβre out of this world?
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What a punβs dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist.
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Why do poets go to the zoo to use the restroom?
So they can poo in the loo at the zoo.
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One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home, he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice, he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs, he looked back and shouted, βI thought youβd be tougher than that, Batman!β
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Feel my shirt.
Itβs boyfriend material.
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I named my pet goldfish Uranus.
It really keeps my aquarium afloat.
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If I wanted to be taller, Iβd just wear higher shoes. This is the height I want to be at.
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How does a lobster answer the phone?
βShello?β
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The lobster is one shell of an animal.
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Whatβs a Jews favorite band?
Nickelback.
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Yo mama so ugly Instagram tagged her selfies βexplicit contentβ.
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A man went to the doctor and said, βI think I am upside down.β
When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, βBecause my feet smell and my nose runs.β
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