My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers.
He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of bar is kid-friendly?
A chocolate bar.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Art.”
“Art, who?”
“Art you going to a birthday party?”
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Yo mama so hot when she got into the Arctic Ocean it turned into a hot tub.
😄 😄 😄
I recently heard that Turkeys aren’t allowed to play baseball.
No matter how many times they hit, they’ll always hit fowl balls.
😄 😄 😄
I finally achieved all my goals in life!
Then, the alarm clock went off.
Good morning, I guess.
😄 😄 😄
Before Marriage.
Boy: “Ah at last. I can hardly wait.”
Girl: “Do you want me to leave?”
Boy: “No, don't even think about it.”
Girl: “Do you love me?”
Boy: “Of Course. Always have and always will.”
Girl: “Have you ever cheated on me?”
Boy: “Never. Why are you even asking?”
Girl: “Will you kiss me?”
Boy: “Hell no. Are you crazy?”
Girl: “Can I trust you?”
Boy: “Yes.”
Girl: “Darling!”
After Marriage… (Read from bottom to top)
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can speak Japanese in French.
😄 😄 😄
Everyone always says that hot dogs suck.
I think German sausages are the wurst!
😄 😄 😄
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the barber say to the man after shaving his beard?
“All good things must comb to an end.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the hip surgery patient bring a suit to the hospital?
Because he wanted to be hip and dapper during recovery.
😄 😄 😄
A king had ten wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.
A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.
The minister said, “I served you loyally ten years, and you do this?”
The king was unrelenting.
Minister pleaded, “Please give me ten days before you throw me to the dogs.”
The king agreed.
In those ten days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next ten days. The guard was baffled, but he agreed.
So when the ten days were up, the king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.
When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister and licking his feet.
The king was baffled at what he saw.
“What happened to the dogs?!” He growled.
The minister then said, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service. Yet I served you for ten years, and you forgot all at the first mistake.”
The king realised his mistake and...
Replaced the dogs with crocodiles.
😄 😄 😄
What did Mario say to Princess Peach?
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s God’s favorite beer?
Busch Light.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris made the llama extinct.
Never spit in his face.
😄 😄 😄
A Sunni and a Shia Muslim have a child together.
They name her Sushi.
😄 😄 😄
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a boring nerd...
I’d have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
😄 😄 😄
There are no losers when eating hot dogs.
Only wieners.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hoo.”
“Hoo, who?”
“Are you an owl?”
😄 😄 😄
