It’s so hot that my clothes dried right after I took them out of the washing machine.
😄 😄 😄
If Uranus is disgusting, why on earth do NASA take so many photos of it?
😄 😄 😄
In an interview, the Prime Minister is asked if he acknowledges Australia’s aboriginal past.
Squeezing his brain, he tries to remember what he learned at school. But there is only darkness prior to Cook.
“Yes,” he says finally, “I can confirm that Australia has a black history.”
😄 😄 😄
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross Spider-Man with a flatbread?
Pita Parker.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a Pinterest user’s favorite type of weather?
Rainy, so they have an excuse to stay in and pin all day.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when one chickpea murders another?
Hummus-cide.
😄 😄 😄
My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who's there?”
“Ho, ho.”
“Ho ho, who?”
“You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.”
😄 😄 😄
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it’s literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Elf.”
“Elf, who?”
“Elf me wrap this present!”
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man borrowed his mom’s car to take it out for a spin.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born.
😄 😄 😄
The sunflower was feeling lonely.
He said he just wanted to get some-bud-y to love.
😄 😄 😄
Yeah, god only lets things grow until they’re perfect.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was trying to escape the gravitational pull of your mother.
😄 😄 😄
A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
Bartender: “Sure.”
Man: “Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile.”
😄 😄 😄
After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help.
She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch.
He decides what time it is.
😄 😄 😄
What did Mars say to Earth?
Get out of my space!
😄 😄 😄
