Chuck Norris never won an Oscar because he is NOT acting.
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Did you hear about the magician who had chocolate in his shirt?
He had some Twix up his sleeve.
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How do Death Eaters freshen their breath?
With Dementos.
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Guess what monkeys eat in space?
Space bananas!
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How do you know you’re old?
It’s your birthday, and there are more candles than cake.
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Which king liked to do things on his own?
Solo-mon.
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It’s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.
He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.
He responds, “No, the seat’s empty.”
The first man exclaims, “What?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?”
The neighbor responds, “Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven’t been together.”
The first man responds,” I’m sorry to hear that. Wasn’t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could’ve taken that seat?”
The neighbor responds, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
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The moon landing is obviously fake.
Like come on, the moon is still up there. It never landed.
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How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They’re all girls! If they were boys, they’d be uncles.
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I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
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What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?
Basqueing.
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An Australian aborigine owns a boomerang that will not return to him no matter how many times he throws it.
Frustrated, he seeks assistance from the witch doctor.
When the witch doctor asks where he obtained the boomerang, the aborigine says it was from a souvenir shop on Ayer’s Rock.
The witch doctor says, “You bloody fool, didn’t you see the sign by the cash register that says ‘NO RETURNS’.”
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As your torturer, I’m making it my mission to wake you up really early every day.
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What code does a depressed programmer write?
“Goodbye, world!”
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Millennial superstitions:
If your phone drops in the toilet bowl, you will have seven years of frustrating eyebrows.
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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!
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Why did the jelly go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling jammed up.
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I just dropped my phone in the bath.
Now it’s syncing.
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Why didn’t the octopus fight the shark?
Because he was spineless.
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Did you hear about the baseball player who can spot a fast-food restaurant from miles away?
He leads the league in Arby eyes.
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