Best Jokes (95)



Being an electrician really wasnโ€™t the career I wanted, but I still go to work every day with a conduit attitude.

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Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œBacon.โ€

โ€œBacon, who?โ€

โ€œBacon me crazy waiting for breakfast!โ€

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A cop stops a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He directs the man to blow into a breathalyzer.

Man:ย  โ€œIโ€™m afraid I canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have asthma. If I blow into that tube, I might have an asthma attack.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, weโ€™ll just get a urine sample at the station.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have diabetes. If I pee in a cup, I might get low blood sugar.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, weโ€™ll take a blood sample.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have hemophilia. I could die if I give blood.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, just walk this white line.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause Iโ€™m drunk.โ€

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Whatโ€™s a neckbeardโ€™s favorite thing to put on toast?

Marmโ€™lady.

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Why do cats like August month?

Because it marks the end of the dog days of summer.

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What is small, square and green?

A small green square.

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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently, youโ€™re not allowed to end a sentence with a preposition.

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What kind of key is edible?

A turkey on Thanksgiving.

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How does a man from Alabama hold up his pants?

With a bible belt.

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Itโ€™s hotter than asphalt on a California driveway.

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Gas prices are getting ridiculous.

I went online to check the value of my car, and it asked if the tank was empty or full.

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What do you call it when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week?

Ogretime.

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After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a workerโ€™s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.

Angrily she asked, โ€œIf you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?โ€

Quickly he replied, โ€œIf it was you who asked, Iโ€™d still have 4 pickles.โ€

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I wanted to make nachos, but my dad took the cheese.

He claimed it wasnโ€™t mine.

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What is a deerโ€™s favorite boba flavor?

C-antelope!

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Whatโ€™s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?

By live stream.

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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery?

Heโ€™s so happy that heโ€™s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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Patient: โ€œDoctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?โ€

Doctor: โ€œYes, of course.โ€

Patient: โ€œGreat! I never could before!โ€

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There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.

Morel of the storey.

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My boss told me, โ€œDress for the job you want, not the job you have.โ€

Now Iโ€™m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.

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