An employee asked his boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it’s so close to Christmas?”
The boss said, “It’s May.”
“Sorry,” the employee replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it’s so close to Christmas?”
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Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
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What do you call it when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week?
Ogretime.
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As I was driving to work this morning, this truck driver swerved right through the traffic, cutting up the other road users before smashing into the back of a car.
On the back of his truck was a sign saying, “How am I driving?”.
I thought to myself, “I’ve got no idea either.”
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How does a robot eat its guacamole?
With micro-chips.
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Why did the dyslexic refuse to wear a polo shirt?
Because he was Lacoste intolerant.
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What did the hipster tell his chef friend with a beard?
“You ought to shavour every bite!”
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Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
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Yo sister so fat she has two watches, one for each time zone she’s in.
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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
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Me: “Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and Facebook?
My Dad: “We used to keep useless information to ourselves.”
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Where does a Viking clown go when they die?
To ValHaHa.
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What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a folk guitarist?
A rock guitarist can play all night without tuning, and folk guitarist can tune all night without playing.
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I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...
Other than jumping to conclusions.
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What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer.
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What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
Fangs-giving.
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I met a comedian who specializes in Uranus jokes.
Suffice to say, their humor was out of this world.
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When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you are eating a watermelon.
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It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, “Order!”
So I replied, “Fried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.”
Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.
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Wife says to her husband: “Choose, either me or the soccer game!”
He responds: “Give me 90 minutes to think.”
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