When he was ten years old Warren Buffett called 911 to report a car had been in an accident near his local grocery store.
It was his first experience with a market crash.
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It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird.
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
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What do you call a chili with a PhD?
Dr. Pepper.
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I’m studying Human Anatomy.
It’s a polite way of saying “I’m watching people”.
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What do you call a dog that herds watermelons?
A Melon Collie.
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I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, “What do you do?”
I replied, “I race motorcycles.”
She asked further, “Do you usually win many races?”
I said, “No, the bikes are much faster than I am.”
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I used to have a job collecting leaves.
I was raking it in.
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What does a minion mum call her offspring?
Mini-one.
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I met a girl last night and after so flirting asked her if she wanted to come home with me to play “Doctor”.
So when we got to my place, I left her sitting on my couch with a bunch of outdated magazines on the end table for 2 1/2 hours before I came out of my bedroom.
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There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. What do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
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What would you call a cute and sassy donut?
Glazing adoughrable.
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You might be a civil engineer if you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they did not get enough sleep.
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Yo mama so hairy when she auditioned for Planet of the Apes they made her pack leader.
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Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, it’s going to end in a mess.
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Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
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How did the barber win the bike race?
He took a short cut.
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What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?
The Deli Llama.
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Why don’t we inhabit Uranus?
That place is a Gas Hole.
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This is ridiculous. It’s July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.
One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.
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Guess why football stadiums are so cool?
Most seats have a fan on them!
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