What do you call it when one chickpea murders another?
Hummus-cide.
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My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who's there?”
“Ho, ho.”
“Ho ho, who?”
“You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.”
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My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it’s literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Elf.”
“Elf, who?”
“Elf me wrap this present!”
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Spider-Man borrowed his mom’s car to take it out for a spin.
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Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born.
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The sunflower was feeling lonely.
He said he just wanted to get some-bud-y to love.
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Yeah, god only lets things grow until they’re perfect.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was trying to escape the gravitational pull of your mother.
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A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
Bartender: “Sure.”
Man: “Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile.”
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After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help.
She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch.
He decides what time it is.
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What did Mars say to Earth?
Get out of my space!
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I have decided to pursue my dreams... good night!
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Yo momma is so smelly even Banthas want to run away from her as fast as possible.
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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!”
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Yo mama so hairy people wonder why she wears a fur coat to a nude beach.
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An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.
“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.”
“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?”
“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.
“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”
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When a white guy is scared, he gets even whiter.
When he is cold, he turns blue.
When he is angry, he turns red.
When he is sick, he turns green.
When a black guy is scared, he stays black.
When he is cold, he stays black.
When he is angry, he stays black.
When he is sick, he stays black.
Black man to white man, “And you call us colored.”
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