A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.”
A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.”
A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.
The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.”
The other guy says, “Things are great, the bartender helped me.”
Psychiatrist, “The bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?”
The other guy says, “He told me to saw the legs off my bed.”
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Which holiday is every policeman’s favorite?
National Donut Day.
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Why are donuts good at playing golf?
They always have a hole in one!
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What city is the feminist capital of the world?
Manhatin’.
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Have you heard about the pregnant bed bug?
She gave birth in the spring.
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On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
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What does AH stand for in the periodic table?
The Element of Surprise.
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Why did the flu go to the art exhibit?
It heard there was a lot of culture there.
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Good morning!
Monday through Friday, nine to 5, I reach function along with someone who reaches the workplace, with determination, increasing the spirits of every one of his office mates... after that there’s you! You are additionally at the workplace!
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A man visits a friend recovering from the flu that had him bedridden for weeks.
Surprisingly, the friend says it’s been a happy and wonderful experience.
“How so?” asks the man.
Friend: “Well, I’ve found out how much my wife loves me and how pleased she is to have me home.”
Man: “How do you know?”
Friend: “Well, every time the postman, the milkman or the dustman comes by, she runs out shouting ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’.”
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Did you know R2D2 loves to curse?
They have to bleep out all his words.
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Let me tell you how I became a millionaire.
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.
Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.
With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1 dollar each and again sold them for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on.
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
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Why do elves laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
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I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
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Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
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Yo daddy so bald people use his head as a mirror.
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In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.
One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.
The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, “I hear you are 102!”
“That’s correct,” said the old man with a smile.
“Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!”
“Thank you,” said the old man humbly.
“Do you mind if I ask...”
“How am I this healthy at my age?” finished the old man. “Help me carry this wood back home, and I’ll tell you.”
The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.
“You see,” said the old man, “I’ve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I’ve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! That’s why I’m in the great shape I am.”
“But if that’s the case,” said the puzzled visitor, “how come your wife is in such great shape too?”
“Well,” smiled the old man, “she usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.”
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Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer?
Because he had the drumsticks!
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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One Sunny afternoon, two blondes walk down the street.
One of them suddenly points at the sun and says: “Look! That’s the moon over there!”
The other one says: “No, that’s the sun!”
The first one: “No, it’s the moon!”
The other one, again: “No, it’s the sun!”
After arguing for a while, the “smart” one says: “Let’s go to that house over there and ask, what’s right!”
They go to the house and ring the doorbell. Another blonde opens the door.
The “smart” one asks: “Excuse us, can you tell us, whether it’s the sun or the moon in the sky?”
The blonde looks and says: “I wouldn’t know! I’ve only been living here for two weeks!”
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