What’s the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?
The Man U bus has more pricks.
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How do you pick a motivated astronaut dog?
It’s the one that’s always sniffing Uranus.
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Flight allows flamingos to avoid predators.
Natural selection is why flamingstays are extinct.
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I have an archaeology exam tomorrow.
And it doesn’t matter if I pass or fail because either way my future’s in ruins.
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My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.
I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.
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Why do people say donuts are made by God?
Because they are hole-y.
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I was reading a story about dragons the other day It just seemed to drag-on and on.
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All the physicists meet up in heaven and decide to play a game of hide and seek.
They decide that Fermi will be the seeker, so he closes his eyes and begins counting to 100.
All the physicists scatter, except for Newton, who calmly reaches into his pocket, takes out some chalk, and draws a square one meter on a side.
Fermi finishes counting and turns around, seeing Newton standing in his chalk square he yells, “I found Newton. Newton is out!”
Newton protests, “No, I’m Newton in a meter square—I’m Pascal. Pascal is out!”
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Why are cooks funny?
They can crack yolks.
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How is a dyslexic cow like a Buddhist monk?
Both say “ommmmmmmmm.”
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How do dogs make sandwiches?
With purebred.
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What did the nervous spider say to the audience?
“Forgive me, guys, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.”
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A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia.
The librarian says, “They’re right behind you!”
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“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
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What do you call someone who’s really into stationary biking?
A cyclepath.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Avery.”
“Avery, who?”
“Avery Merry Christmas to you!”
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What’s a hipster’s favorite type of surgery?
A hip replacement.
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A woman asks a waiter, “What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!”
The waiter says, “Shivering, madam.”
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
You look like a donkey, and smell like one too.
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I don’t put ketchup and mustard on my hot dog, I relish it.
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