A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
Stock boy: “No, ma’am. They’re dead.”
😄 😄 😄
Where does a person with a beard put their beard clippings?
Their shavings account.
😄 😄 😄
I used to own a raven. It could speak English.
But the only word it could speak was “car”.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris is the only one that can turn lemonade into lemons.
😄 😄 😄
Why do wolves howl at the moon?
Cause they don’t know how to use cell phones.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mamma’s so ugly they cut her Cantina scenes in Star Wars.
😄 😄 😄
I once accidentally poured glue in my son’s corn flakes.
He’s never talked to me again.
😄 😄 😄
TIL that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden.
Who the hell is going to let me know when it’s raining in Sweden?!
😄 😄 😄
The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
😄 😄 😄
Love is a lot like peeing your pants.
Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
😄 😄 😄
One fine day Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car.
As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
“Oh no,” Ole protested, “I was only doing tirty, officer.”
“No, you were doing fifty,” replied the cop.
“Really, officer, I was only doing tirty”, Ole replied stubbornly.
“Well,” bellowed the cop, “I clocked you doing FIFTY!”
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up, “Officer, you really shouldn’t argue with Ole ben he’s been drinking.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call 10 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call 100 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call 1000 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
Still a problem.
What do you call all of the Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
PROBLEM SOLVED!
😄 😄 😄
You’re so fly, all I want to do right now is wrap you up and take you to my web.
😄 😄 😄
I wanted to start a hide-and-seek league.
But good players are hard to find.
😄 😄 😄
When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my dad said, “Well, have you tried euthanasia?”
In the background, I could hear my mom yell, “For the last time, Henry, it’s pronounced ‘Echinacea!’, ‘Echinacea!!!’.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s breath is so bad that when she talks her nose hairs fall out.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?
Claude.
😄 😄 😄
What is the best way to avoid Asian flu?
Have a Phu shot.
😄 😄 😄
I almost cut off my beard today.
That was a close shave.
😄 😄 😄
