You are so ugly when you looked in the mirror your reflection walked away.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Gopher.”
“Gopher, who?”
“Gopher me, obviously.”
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Why do gamers hate nature?
Because it’s full of bugs.
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Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor?
Rabbit De Niro.
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Your hairline goes so far back, even Dora the Explorer couldn’t find it.
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What do a fine wine and Chelsea F.C. have in common?
They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.
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When Uranus threw a party, everyone was over the moon!
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A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.
“What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.
“Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised.
“Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “you’ll win!”
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Why is ChatGPT always ready for a pop quiz?
Because it’s always in a “state of learning”.
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The economy’s so bad the other day I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
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What does a British real estate agent care most about?
His proper tea.
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Patient: “Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.”
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks, “Is it serious, doctor?”
And the doctor replies, “I’m sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.”
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An old man was on his deathbed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor, and his real estate agent to his bedside.
“Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”
“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor. “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.”
The real estate agent was aghast, “I’m ashamed of both of you, I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”
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Non-autistic person: “Autistic people take everything literally.”
Autistic person: “No, that’s kleptomaniacs.”
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Spider-Man came all the way down here to tell me I dropped his phone number.
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An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office.
I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said, “No, this is light.”
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One day at football practice, the nose was sad.
It was probably because he didn’t get picked.
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Today I’m making fish cakes covered in bread crumbs.
It will be a challenge because I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before.
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Where do vegetarian vampires live?
Plantsylvania.
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Don’t you love sitting on the sofa late at night with a glass of wine in your hand?
Until the police come along and kick you out of IKEA.
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