Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
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What is a mothβs favorite type of glasses?
Lampshades.
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βKnock! Knock!β
βWhoβs there?β
βDee.β
βDee, who?β
βDEEZ NUTS!β
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My favorite geology professor died today.
My sediments are with his family.
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Whatβs the name of the Democratic skeleton from Brooklyn, New York whoβs running for president?
Bony Sanders.
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What do aliens like to eat?
Unidentified frying objects!
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How does a man from Alabama hold up his pants?
With a bible belt.
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Scientists have discovered that, on occasion, an octopus will βpunchβ a fish for no reason other than spite.
Thatβs called Toxic Molluskulinity.
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It is hotter than jalapenos and spice on rye.
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My uncle always refused to obey his controlling wife.
He was defy-aunt.
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Why did the manaless Syndra run from the team fight?
She didnβt have the balls.
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Your 5 minutes are up!
And nope, no more extensions.
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A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port in France and asks whether they can ship a 20β container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places.
βOui, monsieur. What is the destination port for this load?β
βIβm sending them to the zoo in Brazil.β
βWouldnβt you be better off calling the export office in Portugal?β
βWhy is that, sir?β
βIf youβre sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese, of course!β
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Retail job interview (2012).
βWhere do you see yourself in 10 years?β
βYou mean after the global pandemic or before the war?β
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Itβs so cold, I farted snowflakes.
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Flight attendant: βDo we have a doctor on board?β
Me: βI have a PhD in mathematics.β
Flight attendant: βOne passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack.β
Me (nodding): βThat makes two.β
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Patient: βDoctor, doctor! I see double!β
Doctor: βSit on the chair please.β
Patient: βWhich one?β
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My neighbors listen to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
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What did the butter say to the bread?
βIβm on a roll!β
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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?
Phil.
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