A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.
I don’t know if they will be well received...
Remains to be seen.
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How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They’re all girls! If they were boys, they’d be uncles.
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Your mama so fat she sat on a dollar and when she got up there were 4 quarters.
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Why will the Flat Earth Society never be popular?
Because they cant get the word a round.
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What do you call a guy who’s mad about his feet getting run over?
Lack-toes intolerant.
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An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road
The driver discovers he has no service and can’t call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him.
“Hey man, having car trouble?” the driver asks.
“I’m afraid so,” the driver of the Fiat answers.
“Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I’ll tow you to the nearest garage,” says the BMW driver.
The Fiat driver is overjoyed at this and together they couple the little hatchback to the BMW using a rope.
As the BMW driver gets in, the Fiat driver asks him something, “This is an old car, so please drive carefully.”
The BMW driver nods his head, “Just honk if I’m going too fast.” With that, he gets in and they drive away.
They drive for a while, when suddenly a Porsche races by them. The BMW driver doesn’t like this blow to his ego at all and starts chasing down the Porsche.
As they race down the road, they pass a farm.
The farmer looks at the spectacle and walks inside.
“What’s the matter with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” his wife says.
The farmer replies, “I just saw a BMW and Porsche racing, and an old Fiat honking to get past.”
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Boy, it looks like you’ve been caught in my web... of love.
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Where do you get pineapple milk from?
From its pinenipples.
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My history textbook says that the Pharaoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could’ve just used bricks or something.
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What happened to the bearded clown after he was kicked out of the circus?
He lost his stubble mode of income.
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A viola player goes into a music shop.
The shop assistant asks what he would like.
The viola player says, “Well, I’ve been playing the viola for years and I’m getting really tired of everyone pointing and laughing and acting like I don’t know the first thing about music, so I’m thinking about taking up another instrument.”
“Do you know what you’d like to play?” asks the assistant.
The viola player says, “I’m not sure yet. Is it all right if I have a look around for a while?”
Of course the assistant says that would be just fine.
So after ten minutes or so the viola player comes up to the desk and says, “I think I’ve made my decision. I’d like to buy the bagpipes you have by the door, and the big white accordion.”
The assistant says, “Let me just go and see the manager.” He goes and sees the manager.
He comes back and says, “The manager says you can have the fire extinguisher for £49.99, but the radiator’s not for sale.”
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Why is Uranus always invited to parties?
It knows how to break the ice.
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Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
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What do you get when you drink root beer in a square glass?
Beer!
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Did you hear that Jeff Bezos changed his name to Richard and started a living room furniture empire?
I guess you can do anything if you’re sofa king rich.
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The bird flu is pretty nasty.
Luckily, it’s tweetable.
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An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum.
“Spare some loose change?” asks the bum.
“And why should I do that?” asks the accountant.
“Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.
“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”
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What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
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I’m never afraid to make a Uranus pun.
They’re always out of this world.
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Which element of the periodic table is the poorest?
Antimony.
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