Best Jokes (95)



I met this dude once who was really into mushrooms.

He was a real fun-gi.

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Why don’t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they can’t find the number eleven on their phone.

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A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.

The owner asks, β€œWhich type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?”

The man replies, β€œThe one in the freezer, I’m pretty sure it’s warmer in there.”

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You must be a gelato, because you make ice creams look bad.

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I told my friend about the Muslim slave trade the other day.

β€œDubai?” he asked.

β€œYes, and sell,” I replied.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œThe Headless Horseman.”

β€œThe Headless Horseman, who?”

β€œThe Headless Horseman who’s coming for your head!”

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Edward Snowden was discovered trapped inside of one of his ski lodges this Saturday, November 19th.

β€œEdward Snowden Snowed in Snowden Snow Den”

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An emergency call center worker has been fired in Toronto, much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, β€œI am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes, I can finally meet Allah.”

To which the call center employee replied, β€œRemain calm and stay on the line.”

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How do you make holy water?

By boiling the hell out of it.

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I’m out of bed and I made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?

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Why are ghosts terrible liars?

You can see right through them!

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What do you call an aboriginal hanging in a tree?

Abocado.

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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of vehicle?

Gas-guzzler.

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How long does it take for a physician to change a light bulb?

As long as it takes to find a nurse.

How long does it take for the nurse to change the light bulb?

30 seconds, but 45 minutes to document it.

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Sergeant: β€œI didn’t see you at camouflage training.”

Private: β€œThank you, sir!”

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I just saw a squirrel bury a nut in my back yard.

I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a chocolate bar.

That’ll blow his mind.

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Crush: β€œWhy should I trust you? All the guys I’ve been dating have been dogs.”

Me: β€œ...”

Crush: β€œWell? Aren’t you going to say anything?”

Me: β€œ... meow?”

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Two monsters went to a party.

Suddenly one said to the other, β€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”

β€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

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It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.

The wife and the mother-in-law.

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What happens when you propose to someone blind on Friday the 13th?

They tell you that they are seeing someone else.

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