Which bakery should you go to on the Fourth of July?
The one that sells pastries with stars and stripes. The rest are just un-pastry-otic.
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Why did the sun not go to college?
Because it already has a million degrees!
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The EU was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner.
But they refused to have turkey.
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My friends came over for band practice.
My dad came downstairs with a jar of peanut butter and said, “I brought this to go with your jam.”
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Your ears are so big you use shower heads as earbuds.
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How did the hot dog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
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What do you call a unicorn with two horns?
A goat.
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My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.
She won’t find out until she unpacks her luggage.
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Yo mama so stupid I said “Kool-Aid” and she jumped through the wall.
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Santa saw your Facebook pictures...
You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
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My husband is as handsome as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein.
His name is Frankenstein.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cargo.”
“Cargo, who?”
“Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.”
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A blind man walks into a bar...
And a wall, and a tree, and a cactus.
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Your mama so ugly when she walks into a bank they turn off the cameras.
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Yo mama so stupid she thought The Exorcist was a workout video.
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What did the alien say when he was out of the room?
I’m all spaced out!
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This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
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What’s the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?
The Man U bus has more pricks.
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How do you pick a motivated astronaut dog?
It’s the one that’s always sniffing Uranus.
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