Best Jokes (95)



I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with earpiece).

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What type of mushrooms are the worst to have as friends?

Shii-talkin!

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Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?

Attila the Hen.

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Why do llamas have such long necks?

To make sure their heads stay on.

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An Alien visited the Solar system and ate Jupiter.

When asked how it was the Alien replied simply:

β€œGastronomical.”

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Your so ugly when you were born your mom said, β€œOh, what a treasure!”

And your dad said, β€œYeah, le’ts bury it.”

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A driver goes into a car accessories store.

β€œI’d like a satnav, please.”

β€œOK,” said the assistant, β€œwe have every model possible, European routes, world routes, UK routes.”

β€œI’ll just take the UK one, please,” said the driver.

β€œAre you sure, sir, easy to get lost round Europe,” replied the assistant.

β€œNo, the UK is fine,” said the driver, β€œit’s for the Liverpool team bus next season.”

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An little old woman arrives home from bingo and her husband comes running up to her saying, β€œThank goodness you’re home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!”

She replied, β€œA lunatic? There were hundreds of them!”

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Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

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What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?

A polar bear.

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Girlfriend: β€œDo you have a date for Valentine’s Day?”

Boyfriend: β€œYes, February 14th.”

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A wife said her husband that they should spice up their love life.

β€œWhat do you mean?” he asked.

She said, β€œLet’s do a bit of role-playing. I’ll be the doctor and you be the patient.”

β€œAlright...” the husband went with it, β€œHow are you, doctor?”

β€œWe have no appointments till November. Goodbye.”

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Why does nobody trust the man on the moon?

He has a dark side.

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What music does the Easter Bunny listen to while hiding eggs?

Hip hop.

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What did the doctor ask the composer right before his colonoscopy?

β€œHow many movements?”

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How does a social media marketer stay cool during a crisis?

They just keep refreshing their feed until it blows over.

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My wife suggested I start growing a beard, to which I was against initially against...

But now, I must say, it’s growing on me.

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Wishing you a warm and bright 40th birthday!

It couldn’t be any other way with that many candles on your cake.

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What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow?

Reality.

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I told my mom I wanted to play Roblox for a living.

She said she didn’t want me to have such a block-and-white career.

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