Best Jokes (95)



What do you call a boring person from Finland?

A dolphin.

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When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.

So I rang her and said, โ€œGuess what, I won the jackpot.โ€

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Yo mamaโ€™s so fat that even the Death Star couldnโ€™t blow her up!

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My pet bird was frantically tweeting, so I gave him some food.

How he signed up for that Twitter account Iโ€™ll never know.

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I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.

Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

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The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, โ€œIโ€™ve got to take you in, sir. Youโ€™re obviously drunk.โ€

The wasted wino asked, โ€œOfficer, are ya absolutely sure Iโ€™m drunk?โ€

Yeah, buddy, Iโ€™m sure,โ€ said the copper. โ€œLetโ€™s go.โ€

Obviously relieved, the wino said, โ€œThatโ€™s a reliefโ€”I thought I was a cripple.โ€

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Why couldnโ€™t the joker enter the shop?

Because there was a board outside stating โ€œNo funny businessโ€.

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Didnโ€™t Snoop Dogg change his name?

Or was Snoop Lyinโ€™?!

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Did you know the seagull was gods third attempt at creating the bird.

The A-gull and B-gull werenโ€™t quite right.

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Yo mamaโ€™s so weak-minded that I got her to lead me to Jabba without using a Jedi mind trick!

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A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

โ€œHello mate,โ€ says St. Peter, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven.โ€

โ€œWhat?โ€ Exclaims the man, astonished.

St. Peter: โ€œYou heard, no Man Utd fans.โ€

โ€œBut, but, but, Iโ€™ve been a good man,โ€ replies the Man Utd supporter.

โ€œOh really,โ€ says St. Peter. โ€œWhat have you done, then?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ said the guy, โ€œThree weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.โ€

โ€œOh,โ€ says St. Peter. โ€œAnything else?โ€

โ€œWell, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.โ€

โ€œHmmm. Anything else?โ€

โ€œYeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.โ€

โ€œOkay,โ€ said St. Peter, โ€œYou wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.โ€

Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, โ€œIโ€™ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Hereโ€™s your thirty quid back, now screw off.โ€

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Your hairline so far back, I learned about it in history class.

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How did the Vikings send secret messages?

By norse code.

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What do you call a fisherman who owns a slave?

A Master Baiter.

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Why does the fungus always win the argument?

Because they donโ€™t leave mush-rooms for debate.

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Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion.

Yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel.

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A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he needs a haircut and doesnโ€™t have much extra time.

He remembers thereโ€™s a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later heโ€™s back on his way.

A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.

โ€œHello again, Sir,โ€ the barber says. โ€œWhat can I do for you?โ€

โ€œOh, Iโ€™d like another haircut, but Iโ€™m awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?โ€

โ€œOf course,โ€ says the barber. โ€œAnything you want. Take a seat.โ€

The businessman sits down.

โ€œSo what would you like?โ€ asks the barber.

โ€œWell, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.

For my mustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitlerโ€™s.

Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.

I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.

Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.

When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.

Blend the sides in, but donโ€™t blend in the back.

And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.โ€

The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.

โ€œI canโ€™t do all that!โ€ he says.

โ€œWhy not?โ€ the businessman asks. โ€œThatโ€™s what you did last time.โ€

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I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms.

But it was a shii-take!

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Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?

He kept listing the cause of death as birth.

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What do you call a crab that throws things?

A lobster.

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