Best Jokes (95)



This is ridiculous. It’s July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.

One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

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Guess why football stadiums are so cool?

Most seats have a fan on them!

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You look awfully familiar.

Don’t I know you from yesterday?

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You’re so fat the only thing to compare you to is an elephant.

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Why was the HVAC guy fired?

Management was uncool about his performance.

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What do you call a guy leaning against a wall?

Art.

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What do you call a person from Portugal?

Portuguese.

What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?

Portugeezer.

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A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.

I took in a breath and asked aloud, β€œWhat’s that smell?”

She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, β€œChanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away.

About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.

She turns to me and asks, β€œWhat’s that smell?”

I say, β€œBroccoli, $1.49 a pound.”

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Yesterday I had an Adele chocolate Easter Bunny.

The first half was delicious, but it was hollow from the other side.

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I went to a blues concert dressed in all black.

I guess I wasn’t feeling very blues-sympathetic.

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Why don’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

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What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?

Air conditioner.

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What’s Thanksgiving?

Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.

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What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?

Spook-hetti!

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What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

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Guess what happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

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What do you call a boring person from Finland?

A dolphin.

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When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.

So I rang her and said, β€œGuess what, I won the jackpot.”

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Yo mama’s so fat that even the Death Star couldn’t blow her up!

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My pet bird was frantically tweeting, so I gave him some food.

How he signed up for that Twitter account I’ll never know.

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