What do leprechauns barbecue on St. Patrick’s Day?
Short ribs.
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Which vegetables go best with jacket potatoes?
Button mushrooms.
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Britain’s most common owl?
The teatowel.
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Why did the red panda bring a ladder?
It wanted to reach new heights-bear.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Doughnut.”
“Doughnut, who?”
“Doughnut forget to close the door!”
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What do you call a blue cat that likes to race?
A fast purrr-ple.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Smell mop.”
“Smell mop, who?”
“No, I won’t smell your poo!”
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What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Start off with a big fortune!
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What did dad say when he got a universal remote for Father’s Day?
This changes everything!
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There was a certain knight who’d always endure all pains in battle. Guess what?
He was a Sir Vivor.
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I felt so guilty after I stepped on a moth this morning.
You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
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I put my pants on the same way as everybody else.
Not at all because Zoom calls only see the top of the body.
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I rang work and said, “I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.”
The boss said, “You have a wee cough?”
I said, “Wow, thanks, boss! See you next Wednesday!”
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If you stare at the American flag long enough you’ll see a 3D image of Chuck Norris.
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Two retired British Army officers are speaking.
1st officer: “Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”
2nd officer: “I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”
1st officer: “I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village, and armed with my rifle we set out.
Several hours into the hunt and deep in a mangrove swamp, we stumbled upon fresh tracks.
It was not more than a few minutes of tracking the great beast when we heard it—a low, guttural sound from behind.
I quickly turned and as I readied my rifle, the tiger leaped from the shadows, teeth, and claws bared. Rrrraaaaaarrrrrr! I shat my pants.”
2nd officer: “Of course, you shat your pants, old chap. You were attacked by a Bengal Tiger!”
1st officer: “No, right now when I went ‘Rrrraaaaaarrrrr!’.”
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What do you call a group of blue whales?
A pod of blues.
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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.
It’s now called Red Bull.
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What do you call an Indian doctor who likes telling dad jokes and give flu shots?
Pun-Jabby.
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“Do you know who is coming to our party later on?”
“Yeah, Dee is.”
“Dee, who?”
“DEEZ NUTS!“
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Yo momma is so fat you have to make two lightspeed jumps just to get on her good side.
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