I’m out of bed and I made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?
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Why are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them!
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What do you call an aboriginal hanging in a tree?
Abocado.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of vehicle?
Gas-guzzler.
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How long does it take for a physician to change a light bulb?
As long as it takes to find a nurse.
How long does it take for the nurse to change the light bulb?
30 seconds, but 45 minutes to document it.
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Sergeant: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training.”
Private: “Thank you, sir!”
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I just saw a squirrel bury a nut in my back yard.
I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a chocolate bar.
That’ll blow his mind.
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Crush: “Why should I trust you? All the guys I’ve been dating have been dogs.”
Me: “...”
Crush: “Well? Aren’t you going to say anything?”
Me: “... meow?”
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Two monsters went to a party.
Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
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It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.
The wife and the mother-in-law.
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What happens when you propose to someone blind on Friday the 13th?
They tell you that they are seeing someone else.
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So one day, grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to grandma’s kitchen.
“Well now, where’s my bucket, and where’s my water?” grandma asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that waterhole, grandma,” exclaimed Johnny. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt anyone. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, grandma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”
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Did you hear about the comedian who calls himself The Sofa King?
He’s sofa king funny.
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Two snakes are slithering down the road and chatting.
Snake 1: “Oh, boy. I hope I’m not venomous...”
Snake 2: “Wait, what? Why?”
Snake 1: “Because I just bit my tongue.”
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The other day my yoga instructor turned up to the class drunk.
I was put in quite an awkward position.
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How many Chelsea managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. The light bulb lasts longer than any manager.
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What disease did the YouTuber contract?
Influenza.
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Yo mama so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
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What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?
Basqueing.
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Can you guess who you should never lie to?
An x-ray operator—they can see right through you!
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