Best Jokes (95)



What is dog’s favoriteΒ breakfast?

Pooched eggs.

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Why does Spider-Man spin webs?

Because he doesn’t know how to knit.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œWaffle.”

β€œWaffle, who?”

β€œWaffle lot of pancakes for breakfast?”

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I’ve got a meeting with the guy who invented the progress bar during the era of dial-up internet.

He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he’s stuck in traffic and he’s going to be here in 6 hours and 54 minutes.

Edit 2: He’s making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit 3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days.

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The Earth and the Moon were talking.

Earth: β€œMoon, how are you?”

Moon: ...

Earth: β€œMoon! Are you okay??”

Moon: β€œWhat? Sorry I was miles away.”

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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

Somebody dropped a shekel!

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Did you hear about the bingo caller who had a tumor?

Luckily, the tumor was B-9.

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Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short.

Looks like they ran out of characters.

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Why don’t lobsters like to share?

Because they’re shellfish.

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I burst into tears right before my physics exam.

The professor asked, β€œWhat’s the matter?”

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Why did the alien bring a gift to Uranus?

It wanted to show its appreciation for the atmosphere.

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To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot.

β€œI don’t know how you sleep at night.”

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β€œDad, do you like baked apples?”

β€œYes son, why?”

β€œThe orchard’s on fire.”

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My wife said, β€œDid you know butterflies only live for one day?”

I said, β€œThat’s a myth.”

She said, β€œNo, it’s definitely a butterfly.”

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What did one ear of corn say to the other traveling down the highway?

Looks like we had a tire pop out.

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No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce.

They keep telling me it’s a lost cos.

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Talking to my crush is like talking to God.

They never respond.

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NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...

They found it to be a poophole.

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I bought a guitar made out of diamond.

Now I can play some hard rock.

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