What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?
Plump kin.
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Two guys in an insane asylum are up for parole.
The first guy goes to see the committee, and they ask him some questions.
Committee: “Who discovered America?”
Guy 1: “Christopher Columbus.”
Committee: “How long ago was that?”
Guy 1: “Around three hundred years.”
Committee: “Do aliens exist?”
Guy 1: “It’s possible, but there’s no proof.”
He goes back outside and says to the other insane guy, “It’s easy, you just answer “Christopher Columbus”, “Around three hundred years”, and “It’s possible, but there’s no proof”.
So the other guy goes in, and the questions begin.
Committee: “What’s your name?”
Guy 2: “Christopher Columbus.”
Committee (incredulously): “How old are you?”
Guy 2 (with conviction): “Around three hundred years.”
Committee: “Are you insane?”
Guy 2: “It’s possible, but there’s no proof.”
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I’m going to host a boat race. The winner will get pasta.
It will be called the Penne Regatta.
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A mother noticed her little daughter praying.
“Please, God,” the little girl kept saying, “Bless my father and my mother and make Melaka the capital city of Malaysia.”
“Why did you make such as strange request?” the mother asked.
“Because that’s what I wrote in my Geography test this morning!”
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What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?
Mario Sunburnt!
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What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.
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Why did the cowboy take hay to bed?
To feed his nightmares.
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What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
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What happens when developers ask a silly question?
They get a silly ANSI.
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What time is it when you see a crocodile?
Time to run.
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A nervous man with a wooden eye is alone at a dance. He’s to poor to afford a proper eye, so he’s really insecure about it and has trouble talking to women.
At the dance he sees this pretty looking lady also standing alone across the room. He notices she has these kind of big ears, so he thinks maybe he has a shot with her.
He walks over and asks her if she’d like to dance.
She says excitedly, “Would I? Would I?”
He says, “Aw, get lost then, you big-eared cow!”
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Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
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Who’s going to the concert festival on Thanksgiving Day?
The bands will be Meatloaf, Korn, The Cranberries, and Smashing Pumpkins.
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My wife told me she doesn’t want much this Valentine’s Day.
She said “just some chocolates and a few little surprises will be fine”.
Kinder Eggs it is then.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Who.”
“Who, who?”
“Hooves are what deer have on their feet…”
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Did you know that dolphins sometimes eat cephalopods like an octopus?
Seriously, I’m not squidding.
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I brought you some fuel to kick-start your body engine.
Simply put, I brought you some coffee.
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She left the bar because after 45 minutes, the date finally arrived, and he was a gnome.
Too little, too late.
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A priest had 3 people at confession.
He went to Guy 1 and asked, “What sin did you commit?”
Guy 1 responded, “I murdered someone.”
The priest responded, “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”
He did so and stood back.
The priest asked Guy 2 and asked, “What sin did you commit?”
Guy 2 responded, “I cheated on my wife.”
The priest responded, “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”
He did so and stood back as well.
Then it was the 3rd person’s turn.
The priest asked him, “So, what sin did you commit?”
Nervously, Guy 3 responded, “Um…well, you see, Father…I peed in the holy water.”
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What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
“Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.”
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