I was walking down the road along with my dog, looking cool in my black sunglasses when a YouTuber pulled me aside.
He said, “If you can walk round the park and back to me, I’ll give you 10 bucks. The catch is that you will have to do it blindfolded.”
I accepted his challenge and completed it in under 5 minutes. He was surprised and asked me how I did it so quickly.
I replied, “It was just a walk in the park for me. As a blind person, I can’t even see the problem with your challenge.”
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Yo momma’s so stupid that she thinks Jar Jar is filled with Peanut Butter Peanut Butter!
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What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blue-berry.
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I got fired from the bomb squad today.
It’s too bad really…
I had a blast working there.
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Did you hear about the astronomy professor who was always talking about Uranus?
He was kind of a space case.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“CIA.”
“CIA, who?”
“CI ate your last doughnut!”
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Dad: “My first son has a PhD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and journalism and my youngest son is a burglar.”
Friend: “Wow, a burglar? You should kick him out!”
Dad: “Nah… he is the only one who makes money.”
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King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him.
But the witch demanded a young, handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her.
On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa.
Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that.
The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body.
She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him.
The moral of the story is, no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.
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What is a clinical trial done in October called?
A trick or treatment.
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What do farmers use to make crop circles?
A pro-tractor.
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How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.
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There are 2 truly difficult problems in computer science:
0. Naming things.
1. Cache invalidation.
2. Off by one errors.
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My English teacher asked if I could explain brevity better.
“Short answer – no. Long answer – yes.”
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One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter, “Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?”
The guy says, “No, we don’t have onion-flavored ice cream.”
So the kid says, “Ok,” and leaves.
The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question.
The guy again informs him that they don’t carry onion-flavored ice cream.
This goes on for a week, and the guy running the ice cream shop figures the kid is probably autistic.
So, one night, he goes home and starts to work on a recipe for onion-flavored ice cream. He stays up all night working and perfecting onion-flavored ice cream, just for this kid.
Then, the next morning, when the kid comes in at his usual time and asks if they have onion-flavored ice cream, the guy answers him.
“Yes! Yes, we have onion-flavored ice cream!”
The kid replies, “You must be stupid. Who is gonna buy onion-flavored ice cream?!”
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What did the banker say to the electrician?
“We will pay for your current account.”
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What is every policeman’s favorite charity fundraiser?
Dollars to Donuts.
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One alien says to another, “The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”
The second alien replies, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”
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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed.
Good morning!
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Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of it’s bark.
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You know what they say about Anti Jokes?
She’s married to Uncle Jokes.
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