A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
Bartender: “Sure.”
Man: “Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile.”
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After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help.
She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch.
He decides what time it is.
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What did Mars say to Earth?
Get out of my space!
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I have decided to pursue my dreams... good night!
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Yo momma is so smelly even Banthas want to run away from her as fast as possible.
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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!”
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Yo mama so hairy people wonder why she wears a fur coat to a nude beach.
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An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.
“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.”
“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?”
“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.
“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”
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When a white guy is scared, he gets even whiter.
When he is cold, he turns blue.
When he is angry, he turns red.
When he is sick, he turns green.
When a black guy is scared, he stays black.
When he is cold, he stays black.
When he is angry, he stays black.
When he is sick, he stays black.
Black man to white man, “And you call us colored.”
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A guy’s wife and kids all came down with the flu.
Upon returning home from the doctor’s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.
She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, “Three days?! The doctor can’t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!” Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, “If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?”
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
Stock boy: “No, ma’am. They’re dead.”
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What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
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You are the only person that can smoke a cigarette in the rain with your hands tied on your back.
Your nose is like a natural canopy.
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How is the submarine doing at school?
It’s below c-level.
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Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor?
Everybody.
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Good morning!
May your cup be filled with coffee and your tolerance for stupid people be high.
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My friend thought he was better Super Mario player than me.
But he was wrong on so many levels.
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Me: “Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?”
Siri: “This is Alexa.”
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The last twenty-five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.
For instance, I've lived through more Spider-Man re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.
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