Why is Yoda such a good gardener?
Because he has green fingers.
😄 😄 😄
I don’t work well under pressure...
...or any other circumstance.
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If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
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I had a terrible Labor Day weekend. My wife was in a horrible car crash and lost her left leg and left arm.
She’s all right now.
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When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.
He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.
In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.
Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.
As he lay dying, he cried out, “God, how could you do this to me?”
And a voice from the heavens responded, “To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn’t recognize you.”
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What do you call a pig stuck in a cactus?
A porcupine.
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Do you like Mexican food? Because I want to wrap you in my arms and make you my BAE-rito.
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I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed.
He said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
😄 😄 😄
A spider just crawled onto my keyboard.
Don’t worry it’s under ctrl.
😄 😄 😄
I had some really terrible Arabic food today.
I tell ya, it was fal-awful!
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The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris once played with Lego.
The result was The Great Pyramids.
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What do you call a Viking who can’t catch fish?
A cod-less heathen.
😄 😄 😄
What did the mushroom say as he fell off a cliff?
“Help! I’m in truffle!”
😄 😄 😄
Someone threw some butter, milk and cheese at me recently.
I thought “how dairy”.
Then, they threw some more mild cheese.
I thought “that’s not very mature”.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the world crossword puzzle champion who died?
He was buried six feet down and three feet across.
😄 😄 😄
Who should be your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
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The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?
He deserted his post.
😄 😄 😄
What is dog’s favorite breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
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