What’s under the Pillsbury Doughboy’s apron?
Donuts.
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A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil!” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister.”
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What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?
A spores car!
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Chuck Norris didn’t survive the first night in Minecraft, the first night survived Chuck Norris.
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What type of construction are dogs good at?
Roofing.
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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, geez, I had to call the doctor.”
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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
Because they just had their brains scooped out!
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There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you.
Second place is just a constellation prize.
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What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
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Why was Joyce Byers obsessed over magnets?
On a normal day, she just finds them attractive.
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What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever!
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I met this dude once who was really into mushrooms.
He was a real fun-gi.
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Why don’t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?
Because they can’t find the number eleven on their phone.
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A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.
The owner asks, “Which type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?”
The man replies, “The one in the freezer, I’m pretty sure it’s warmer in there.”
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You must be a gelato, because you make ice creams look bad.
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I told my friend about the Muslim slave trade the other day.
“Dubai?” he asked.
“Yes, and sell,” I replied.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“The Headless Horseman.”
“The Headless Horseman, who?”
“The Headless Horseman who’s coming for your head!”
😄 😄 😄
Edward Snowden was discovered trapped inside of one of his ski lodges this Saturday, November 19th.
“Edward Snowden Snowed in Snowden Snow Den”
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An emergency call center worker has been fired in Toronto, much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes, I can finally meet Allah.”
To which the call center employee replied, “Remain calm and stay on the line.”
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How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
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