This is ridiculous. It’s July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.
One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.
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Guess why football stadiums are so cool?
Most seats have a fan on them!
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You look awfully familiar.
Don’t I know you from yesterday?
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You’re so fat the only thing to compare you to is an elephant.
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Why was the HVAC guy fired?
Management was uncool about his performance.
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What do you call a guy leaning against a wall?
Art.
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What do you call a person from Portugal?
Portuguese.
What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?
Portugeezer.
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A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.
I took in a breath and asked aloud, “What’s that smell?”
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, “Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.
She turns to me and asks, “What’s that smell?”
I say, “Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.”
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Yesterday I had an Adele chocolate Easter Bunny.
The first half was delicious, but it was hollow from the other side.
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I went to a blues concert dressed in all black.
I guess I wasn’t feeling very blues-sympathetic.
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Why don’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
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What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?
Air conditioner.
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What’s Thanksgiving?
Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.
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What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?
Spook-hetti!
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What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
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Guess what happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
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What do you call a boring person from Finland?
A dolphin.
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When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.
So I rang her and said, “Guess what, I won the jackpot.”
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Yo mama’s so fat that even the Death Star couldn’t blow her up!
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My pet bird was frantically tweeting, so I gave him some food.
How he signed up for that Twitter account I’ll never know.
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