In honor of St. Patrick’s day, I’m here to tell you everything I know about leprechauns.
Very little.
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Marriage is love.
Love is blind.
Marriage is an institution.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
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What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
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Why did the carpenter take time off on Labor Day?
He needed to hammer out his vacation plans.
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A man called 911 regarding a fly problem.
They sent a SWAT team.
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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
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What’s the difference in definition of complete vs. finished?
When you marry the right woman, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.
When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.
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Yo mama so poor when I stepped on a cigarette to put it out she said “Hey, who turned off the heat?”
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Why do T-Rexes have such bad anger issues?
Because their fathers never hugged them.
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How does a tiger move a boat?
He uses roars.
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Why did the Smurfs kick Papa Smurf out of their village?
He was giving them all the blues.
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What does a mushroom sit on?
A toadstool.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Canoe.”
“Canoe, who?”
“Canoe you buy me a donut?”
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A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”
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Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
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My son and I both have knee problems.
It is a joint issue.
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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?
An Apocaclipse.
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You know, you’re being a little moon-dy, I hope it’s just a phase!
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How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
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A car salesman asked me, “What are you looking for in a car?”
I said, “It has to be affordable.”
He said, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve never heard of a Ford Ibble.”
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