Chuck Norris once played with Lego.
The result was The Great Pyramids.
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What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
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Today I asked my daughter for a phone book.
She said, “You’re such a boomer,” and handed me her phone.
So, now, the spiders are dead, my daughter’s phone is broken and she’s really mad at me.
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Do you know that America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald’s combined?
Starbucks and McDonald’s have a combined total of 0 museums.
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I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.
It’s a whisk I was willing to take.
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Your mama’s so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
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A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.
She must be exhausted.
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A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment—shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc.—he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. ”He just walked up, took me by the hand, and said ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”
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Did you hear about the guy who’s surrounded by positive people at his workplace?
Yeah, he really hates his work at the infection clinic.
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A little girl ran up to her father, shouting, “Daddy, Daddy! Can you guess how old I’ll be in October?”
The father laughed, “Oh, I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?”
She gave him a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.
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A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk fall out of a plane.
The Buddhist monk says, “It will be okay, for we shall all be reincarnated.”
The priest says, “It will be okay, for we shall all meet in Heaven.”
The rabbi says, “Am I the only one who remembered we were going skydiving today?”
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My friend and I decided to race our Ford Pintos.
Mine broke three miles down the road. I had to walk the rest of the way. I won.
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I asked my German friend how many planets are in our Solar System.
Surprisingly he said, “Nine.”
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Rise and conquer, adventurer!
Today’s mission: navigate through the day without putting your shirt on inside-out.
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I tried to tell a joke about Uranus.
But I couldn’t planet right.
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What do you call a unicorn’s dad?
Popcorn.
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How many tall people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to get a chair and the other one to call a short person for help.
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A guy is sitting outside on a bench eating a burger when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.
She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him, “You know, a cow died somewhere, so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?”
As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies, “It’s a shame for sure, but maybe if you weren’t eating its food, that cow might have lived.”
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What do you call a blood-sucking arachnid on the moon?
A lunar tick.
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My cousin works in a chocolate shop.
He works behind the bar.
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