Best Jokes (95)



Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then heโ€™d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

โ€œWell, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now theyโ€™ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where weโ€™re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.โ€

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.

โ€œItโ€™s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.โ€

โ€œOh no, weโ€™re all just fine. Itโ€™s just that itโ€™s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.โ€

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What bird has the worst manners?

A mocking-bird.

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Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?

A โ€œBโ€.

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Dating me is like investing in a bear market, thereโ€™s unlimited scope for improvement.

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Youโ€™re so sweet you must be made out of chocolate.

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I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar.

Iโ€™ve now got milk all over the kitchen top.

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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

โ€œThis is your doctor. Weโ€™ve had the results back from your tests, and weโ€™ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!โ€

โ€œOh my gosh!โ€ cries the man. Heโ€™s in a panic now. โ€œWhat are you going to do, doctor?โ€

โ€œWell, weโ€™re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.โ€

โ€œWill that cure me?โ€ asked the man, hopefully.

The doctor replied, โ€œWell, no, but... itโ€™s the only food we can get under the door.โ€

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If Taylor Swift fans are called Swifties, what do we call Carrie Underwoodโ€™s fans?

Undies.

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What do you call Spider-Man when he quits The Daily Bugle and starts working as a valet?

Peter PARKER.

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What did the teacher say about the studentโ€™s attempt at making pizza?

Thereโ€™s so mush-room for improvement.

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The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend.

Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend.

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A 911 operator gets a call.

โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€ the operator asks.

โ€œIโ€™m smoking,โ€ replied a middle-aged woman.

โ€œSorry, maโ€™am, but you shouldnโ€™t be calling 911. Please contact an expert, if you need help,โ€ the operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€ the operator asks again.

โ€œIโ€™m smoking,โ€ replied the same woman.

โ€œSorry, maโ€™am, but you should not be calling 911. You are aware you called us just now, correct?โ€

Woman: โ€œYeah.โ€

โ€œWell, then please do not call us unless you have a proper emergency. Thank you,โ€ the operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

โ€œI swear to god, if itโ€™s that woman, Iโ€™m going to have a seizure,โ€ the operator mumbles under his breath.

โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€ the operator asks again.

โ€œIโ€™m smoking,โ€ replied the same woman.

โ€œExcuse me, but you know itโ€™s a crime for prank calls like this, right? Please contact an expert if you have problems with any smoking issues,โ€ he hangs up the phone.

It rings again, with the same number.

The operator, clearly infuriated, picks up the phone, โ€œYOUโ€™RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL THIS NUMBER IF YOU DONโ€™T HAVE AN EMERGENCY!โ€

Woman: โ€œSorry, but...โ€

Operator: โ€œNO BUTS! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SMOKING, PLEASE CONTACT AN EXPERT! DO YOU HAVE AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY?!โ€

โ€œYes, I do.โ€

โ€œWhat is it, then?!โ€

โ€œIโ€™m on fire.โ€

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Itโ€™s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with pot holders.

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Yo mama so old her first cruise was on Noahโ€™s Ark.

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Why is April so popular for using a trampoline?

Itโ€™s Spring-time.

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When I went to the doctor, I said, โ€œDoctor, every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy.โ€

He replied, โ€œHow long have you been getting these Disney spells?โ€

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What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?

โ€œSure, Bert.โ€

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What is Godโ€™s favorite guitar chord?

G-Sus.

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You are so dumb you tripped over a wireless connection.

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What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?

Peak Aboo.

And which one gives them a flu?

Peak Achoo.

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