One evening, as she was sitting by the window of her room in the convent, Sister Ruth opened the letter from home that her parents had sent to her.
Inside the letter, was a $100 bill, a generous gift from her parents.
Sister Ruth smiled at the gesture, pondering what to do with the money, since living in the convent she didn’t really need any.
As she read the letter, sitting by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote “Don’t despair. Sister Ruth”, on a piece of paper.
She then wrapped the $100 bill in it, managed to catch the man’s attention, and tossed the paper out of the window to him.
The stranger picked it up, then with a puzzled expression on his face and a tip of his hat, off he went down the street.
The next day, Sister Ruth was told that a man was at the door of the convent, and he insisted on seeing her.
She went downstairs, where she found the stranger waiting for her.
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
“What’s this?” she asked, puzzled and confused.
“That’s the $8,000 you have coming, Sister”, the man replied. “Don’t Despair won the race at 80:1 odds!”
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What’s the hardest thing about skydiving?
The ground.
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It’s hotter than two ticks on a rabid dog.
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A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence... The rest of the year went quite smoothly.
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What to do If you can’t afford healthcare in the US?
Go to the airport. They give free X-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they’ll throw in a free colonoscopy too!
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On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“Tobias some nice cold ice cream, you need some money.”
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911 operator: “What’s your emergency?”
Kangaroo: “I can’t find my children.”
Kangaroo 911: “Did you check your pockets?”
Kangaroo: “Oh, never mind.”
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Why did the Arsenal fan bring an umbrella to the stadium?
In case the tears started pouring.
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Your mama so short she has to hold a sign up that says “Don’t spit, I can’t swim”.
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When my fiancee told me that the dip on the table was nacho cheese, I asked her where my cheese was.
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Why do moths fly to lights?
It beats walking.
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What do you use to hold things on the moon?
Crate-rs.
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What do snowmen do in summer?
Chillout.
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You’re so short you could sweep under your bed while standing.
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What did the raccoon say to the other raccoon?
Does my breath smell like garbage?
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What is a famous circular museum in New York devoted to Internet search engines?
The Googlenheim.
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What do you call a picture of a mushroom with no arms, legs or head?
A stalk photo.
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How does every racist joke start?
By looking over your shoulder!
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A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army. Neither of the 3 are very happy about it, and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam.
As they are waiting in line at the doctor’s office, their desperation builds up untill right before it’s the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox, “Fox, I might have a plan. Bite off my ear, trust me on this one!”
The fox does so, and the rabbit enters the office.
A few moments later, he gets out yelling, “I was rejected, guys!”
“Because of your ear?” they ask.
“Yes, because without it, I can’t detect the enemy as well,” says rabbit.
“Good thinking,” they say.
And with that in mind the fox turns to the bear, “Rip my tail off!”
The bear doesn’t even hesitate and does so.
Then, the fox takes his turn in the office.
After a while he comes back yelling, “I am rejected too! Without my tail, I can’t be as sneaky and agile as I need to be.”
Now it was the bear’s turn to ask, “Quickly, guys, knock out all of my teeth, because a bear without teeth isn’t scary at all!”
The rabbit and the fox start beating the muzzle of the bear, completly breaking his face untill there is no tooth is left in his mouth.
He then proceeds to go inside the doctor’s office.
Not long after he gets out, he shouts, “Rejecwew!”
“Nice,” they say. “Because of your teeth, right?”
“Nwo,“ says the bear. “Too fat.”
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