Why did the cool roofer stop hanging out with his friends?
He realized they were squares.
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What do you call a rapper wearing a wig?
2pée.
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You are so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering.
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The peach couple is in love.
They seem to be born for peach other.
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An aircraft was traveling from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, “We have lost one engine, but don’t worry, there are still three left. However, we will need seven hours to get to New York instead of five.”
A little later, the pilot announced, “Another engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York.”
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, “A third engine was broken. Never fear because the plane’s still able to fly on one engine. However, it’ll take another 18 hours to get from here to New York.”
At this point, one passenger said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”
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Perfume is a very logical business.
It always makes scents.
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What is a recently divorced woman’s favorite fruit?
Mango.
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Yo mama so fat not even Superman can lift her.
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Why did the husband say after grabbing his wife’s love handles while looking at all her skin?
“You are so skinny.”
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Why could Spider-man not drive a car decently even once?
Because he always confused drifting with spinning and end of in accidents.
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I love you un-cone-ditionally.
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Trying to wake you up is such a thrill.
It’s like waking up a mad beast from its ponderous slumber.
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The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Chicken.”
“Chicken, who?”
“Just chicken this is the right house!”
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Three astronauts are sitting at a table: one from the US, one from Russia and one from Poland.
The US astronaut says, “We’re going to Mars.”
The Russian says, “We made it to the moon.”
The Pole says, “We’re going to the sun.”
The other two astronauts say, “You can’t land on the sun, you’ll burn. There’s nothing to land on.”
The polish guy says, “Don’t tell anyone, but we’re going at night!”
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What is the difference between a cookie and a cracker.
Cookies don’t care if you pull down a civil war statue.
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
😄 😄 😄
Do you come from a family of math nerds?
If you do, then you have square roots!
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Why was the toilet paper in detention?
It was unraveling all the time!
😄 😄 😄
How do people know Taylor Swift had a breakup?
Because she releases a whole album about it.
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