A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, โIโm not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.โ
A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, โI overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Hereโs my card, give me a call.โ
A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.
The psychiatrist says to the other guy, โHi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.โ
The other guy says, โThings are great, the bartender helped me.โ
Psychiatrist, โThe bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldnโt?โ
The other guy says, โHe told me to saw the legs off my bed.โ
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Which holiday is every policemanโs favorite?
National Donut Day.
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Why are donuts good at playing golf?
They always have a hole in one!
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What city is the feminist capital of the world?
Manhatinโ.
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Have you heard about the pregnant bed bug?
She gave birth in the spring.
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On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isnโt sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, sheโs been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, โI have a confession.โ
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, โDarling, so do I.โ
Recoiling, he says, โDonโt tell meโyouโve eaten my socks.โ
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What does AH stand for in the periodic table?
The Element of Surprise.
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Why did the flu go to the art exhibit?
It heard there was a lot of culture there.
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Good morning!
Monday through Friday, nine to 5, I reach function along with someone who reaches the workplace, with determination, increasing the spirits of every one of his office mates... after that thereโs you! You are additionally at the workplace!
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A man visits a friend recovering from the flu that had him bedridden for weeks.
Surprisingly, the friend says itโs been a happy and wonderful experience.
โHow so?โ asks the man.
Friend: โWell, Iโve found out how much my wife loves me and how pleased she is to have me home.โ
Man: โHow do you know?โ
Friend: โWell, every time the postman, the milkman or the dustman comes by, she runs out shouting โMy husband is home! My husband is home!โ.โ
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Did you know R2D2 loves to curse?
They have to bleep out all his words.
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Let me tell you how I became a millionaire.
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.
Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.
With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1 dollar each and again sold them for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on.
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
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Why do elves laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
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I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
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Why doesnโt an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
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Yo daddy so bald people use his head as a mirror.
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In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.
One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.
The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, โI hear you are 102!โ
โThatโs correct,โ said the old man with a smile.
โWow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!โ
โThank you,โ said the old man humbly.
โDo you mind if I ask...โ
โHow am I this healthy at my age?โ finished the old man. โHelp me carry this wood back home, and Iโll tell you.โ
The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.
โYou see,โ said the old man, โIโve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, Iโve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! Thatโs why Iโm in the great shape I am.โ
โBut if thatโs the case,โ said the puzzled visitor, โhow come your wife is in such great shape too?โ
โWell,โ smiled the old man, โshe usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.โ
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Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer?
Because he had the drumsticks!
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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One Sunny afternoon, two blondes walk down the street.
One of them suddenly points at the sun and says: โLook! Thatโs the moon over there!โ
The other one says: โNo, thatโs the sun!โ
The first one: โNo, itโs the moon!โ
The other one, again: โNo, itโs the sun!โ
After arguing for a while, the โsmartโ one says: โLetโs go to that house over there and ask, whatโs right!โ
They go to the house and ring the doorbell. Another blonde opens the door.
The โsmartโ one asks: โExcuse us, can you tell us, whether itโs the sun or the moon in the sky?โ
The blonde looks and says: โI wouldnโt know! Iโve only been living here for two weeks!โ
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