I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.
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I watched a baseball game once, where the umpire kept wandering about and was eventually knocked out by a ball.
It was the fall of the roamin’ umpire.
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What do you call a hot dog race?
Wiener takes all.
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Lawyer: “Everybody hates lawyers until they need one.”
Architect: “Everybody loves architects until they need one.”
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How was your ear operation?
Thursday.
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I recently heard about a study that said that all the so-called “brain foods” don’t actually help your brain at all. It’s all just pseudoscience.
Food for thought.
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I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted.
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How do flat Earthers travel the Earth?
On a plane.
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What do you call a baby with a drum?
A baby boomer.
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Yo Mama so stupid she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.
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NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...
They found it to be a poophole.
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Yo mama so old her breast milk is powder.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Noah.”
“Noah, who?”
“Know a place I can hide from ghosts?!”
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I’ve finally saved up enough for solar panels.
What’s holding me back is that I can’t afford a house.
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Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.
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You enter the laboratory and see an experiment.
How will you know which class is it?
If it’s green and wiggles, it’s biology.
If it stinks, it’s chemistry.
If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.
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Why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg cracked a yolk!
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I confused Thanksgiving with Tanksgiving.
Now I’m in trouble with the U.S. Army.
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Why did the foot smile?
He was toe happy.
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A boy calls 911.
“911, what is your emergency?”
The boy replied, “My parents are fighting, and I’m scared..”
“Well, who’s your father?”
“Well, that’s what they’re fighting about.”
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