Let me tell you how I became a millionaire.
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.
Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.
With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1 dollar each and again sold them for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on.
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
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You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
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Rise and shine!
If mornings were a sport, I’d be the MVP of hitting the ‘sleep’ button.
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Why do Java developers wear glasses?
Because they can’t C#.
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What did Alex say to his college roommate to get him to stop working on his college essay and come out for hot dogs?
Relish today...
And Ketchup tomorrow.
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What do peanuts wear on their feet?
Cashews.
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In the spirit of Easter, I’ve hidden eggs around the apartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I’m not telling my roommates.
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A senator is visiting a primary school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” the senator says, “that would be an ACCIDENT.”
A girl raises her hand, “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside… that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains the senator. “That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room is silent—none of the other children dare volunteer.
“What?” asks the Senator, “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, Little Johnny in the back raises his hand.
In a timid voice, he says, “If an airplane carrying a senator was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy.”
“Marvelous!” the senator beams. “And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says Johnny, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be any great loss.”
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It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.
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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, “GIVE US YER LOOT”?
They were both blonds.
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My granddad always said you should fight fire with fire.
Maybe that’s why he got fired from the fire service.
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Elon Musk has come up with a foolproof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.
He plans to buy it.
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The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, “That’s probably why!”
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Yo momma is so fat you have to make two lightspeed jumps just to get on her good side.
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What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses?
Tulips.
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What does a British real estate agent care most about?
His proper tea.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ivana.”
“Ivana, who?”
“Ivana kiss your lips.”
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Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
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A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”
The barman looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the brain.
“You’re already out of your head.”
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The other night, I overheard three very hefty women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked, “Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?”
One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, Wales, you bloody idiot!”
So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?”
And that’s the last thing I remember.
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