Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a snowman!”
Doctor: “Keep cool.”
😄 😄 😄
There was this company names “Sofa King”, but we didn’t buy anything from them.
Because the prices were sofa king high.
😄 😄 😄
Which part of a computer is Spider-Man’s favorite?
The web cam.
😄 😄 😄
Son: “Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: “No sun.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Jewish fish?
Isra-eel.
😄 😄 😄
She: “I cheated on you.”
He: “Me too.”
She: “April, 1.”
He: “March, 20.”
😄 😄 😄
How do zombies eat healthier?
They switch to vegetarians.
😄 😄 😄
Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday.
Rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday’s code.
😄 😄 😄
Me: “I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.”
Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
Me: “Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Harry.”
“Harry, who?”
“Harry up and open your gifts, it’s your birthday!”
😄 😄 😄
Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.
Then he’d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.
He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.
“Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.
We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”
His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.
This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.
Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.
Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.
“It’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”
“Oh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”
😄 😄 😄
What bird has the worst manners?
A mocking-bird.
😄 😄 😄
Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?
A “B”.
😄 😄 😄
Dating me is like investing in a bear market, there’s unlimited scope for improvement.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so sweet you must be made out of chocolate.
😄 😄 😄
I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar.
I’ve now got milk all over the kitchen top.
😄 😄 😄
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh!” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man, hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well, no, but... it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
😄 😄 😄
If Taylor Swift fans are called Swifties, what do we call Carrie Underwood’s fans?
Undies.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call Spider-Man when he quits The Daily Bugle and starts working as a valet?
Peter PARKER.
😄 😄 😄
What did the teacher say about the student’s attempt at making pizza?
There’s so mush-room for improvement.
😄 😄 😄
