Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?
He was caught taking asteroids.
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When does a hot dog have a close shave?
At the barber-cue!
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Why did the red panda become an actor?
It had a panda-mic personality.
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What is the Easter Bunny’s favourite color?
Egg white.
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A woman told her friend, “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.”
She said, “So, I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was already over.”
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What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
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How does Spider-Man communicate with all his superhero buds?
On the World Wide Web.
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“Dee was asking after you the other day.”
“Who is Dee?”
“DEEZ NUTS!”
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I’m bald and I’m going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits.
So from a distance it looks like hares.
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What do authors eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns.
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Today is April Fools’ Day, so question everything and trust no one.
Basically, it’s Reddit Day.
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Why did the llama cross the road?
Because it was the chicken’s day off.
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What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke?
The snack that’s also crack.
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Who is Greta Thunberg’s favorite comedian?
Amy Schumer, because she recycles all her jokes.
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When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hot dogs and my favorite candy.
You can’t do that these days...
Too many damned security cameras.
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A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.
Upon reaching it, one of the first things he did was go into a department store.
He found his way to the menswear department, where a young lady offered to help him.
“Quiero calcetines (I want socks),” said the man.
“I don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero trajes, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want suits, I want socks),” said the man.
“Well, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero camisas, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want shirts, I want socks),” repeated the man.
“I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero pantalones, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want pants, I want socks),” insisted the man.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair.
Holding them up, he proclaimed, “Eso sí que es (Now that’s it)!”
“Then why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!” yelled the salesgirl.
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It’s Black Friday, and people are lining up around the block at the local Best Buy.
The people in the line beat up a well-dressed man who comes to the front of the line. He attempts it again and is knocked down.
He then mutters, “If people will be like that, I’m not opening the store.”
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Why do fungi have to pay extra on the bus?
Because they take up too mush-room.
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”
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Need a couch? Have you tried Sofa Kings?
Their prices are sofa king cheap!
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