Johnny is struggling with recovery and, as luck would have it, he is pulled over by a policeman the one time he slips up.
“Sir, I smell alcohol on your breath. Have you been drinking today?”
“Well, officer, you’d be drinking too if you’d just killed your wife.”
“WHAT!? Are you confessing to murder?”
“The handgun is hidden under the seat. Her body, bless her soul, is wrapped in a sheet in the trunk of the car.”
The officer, stunned, handcuffs Johnny and calls for his sergeant.
The sergeant arrives, takes the car keys and opens the trunk.
“There’s no body in here,” he says to the patrolman. “I thought you said there was a homicide?”
He then searches under the seat, “And no gun either.”
The sergeant turns to Johnny for an explanation.
“Gee, I bet he said I was drinking too.”
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home from the hospital.
😄 😄 😄
A T-Rex and a dude walk into a bar.
Dude says, “Hey, T-Rex, ya got the first round?”
T-Rex says, “Sorry dude, I’m short handed.”
😄 😄 😄
April 4th. National School Librarian Day.
I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books.
She said, “That sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”
😄 😄 😄
How many non-vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer to stay in the dark.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Uriah.”
“Uriah, who?”
“Keep Uriah on the birthday cake, it’s about to be lit!”
😄 😄 😄
Good morning to someone who is the best sleeper in the world!
Seriously. It’s been hours. Wake up!
😄 😄 😄
A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.
A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, “Your cat got run over by a car and died.”
The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.
His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.
A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.
“What?” he asks.
His friend replies, “Your grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.”
😄 😄 😄
What is more exciting than baseball?
Acidball.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear that I won the Thanksgiving turkey cookoff?
You butterball-ieve it.
😄 😄 😄
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
😄 😄 😄
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year, and he still can’t say the word “please”.
Which I think is poor for four.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had nobody to go with.
😄 😄 😄
I invited a blind bingo caller to my dinner party.
He’s not a close friend, he’s just there to make up the numbers.
😄 😄 😄
It is so hot that potatoes cook underground.
😄 😄 😄
Are you Wi-Fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?
It is possible that UFOs exist.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so fat a bus hit her and she said “a mosquito”.
😄 😄 😄
What’s an alien’s favorite chocolate bar?
A mars bar!
😄 😄 😄
What do feminists say at the end of their prayers?
Awomen.
😄 😄 😄
