Having your own child is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.
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From the death notice of a local newspaper:
After a very hard and painful life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace.
The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.
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Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.
The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”
Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.
“FATHER!” he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”
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What kind of exercise do sloths do?
Waitlifting.
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What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
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What’s worse than getting a job at McDonald’s?
Not getting the job at McDonald’s.
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Why did the planet Uranus join a band?
It wanted to planet self in rhythm.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ginger.”
“Ginger, who?”
“The Ginger Bread Man!”
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What legend haunts the land of Sushi?
The ghost of Sushima.
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What do you put in a female balloon?
Shelium.
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A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.
After a while of, the doctor asks: “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an archeologist,” she answers.
The doctor responds: “Then I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”
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What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
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I am sweating like a cactus in a greenhouse.
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Guess why elephants always get the first word?
Because their opinion carries a lot of weight!
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Chuck Norris died yesterday.
No worries, he’s much better already.
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Why should you be quiet inside a pharmacy?
You might wake the sleeping pills.
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I once saw a couple of coders get into a fight.
It was so vicious, they almost made physical contact.
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Baby Yoda’s first word...
Probably came after his second word.
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Why should you marry an Egyptian woman?
They make great mummies.
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What would donuts’ favorite drink be?
The hole-y water.
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