I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.
Turns out they were cold sores.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Disguise.”
“Disguise, who?”
“Disguise your boyfriend!”
😄 😄 😄
What does Dr. Frankenstein call the cemetery?
Human Resources.
😄 😄 😄
What did the barber say to the man after shaving his beard?
“All good things must comb to an end.”
😄 😄 😄
What happens if an owl doesn’t wash?
It smells fowl.
😄 😄 😄
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,” and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.
She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, “Look, lady, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the egg say to the frying pan?
You crack me up.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a hydraulic ram used for?
It’s where you get steel wool.
😄 😄 😄
Are you made of ice cream?
Because I can’t wait to eat you up!
😄 😄 😄
What do you say when someone dies between February 19th and March 20th?
Rest in Pisces.
😄 😄 😄
Mickey was walking home one day and saw Goofy also walking home, except Goofy was carrying his bicycle.
Mickey asked, “Goofy, why are you carrying your bicycle?”
Goofy replied, “Because it is too tired to walk.”
😄 😄 😄
As your torturer, I’m making it my mission to wake you up really early every day.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.
“Do it,” I said. “But it might hurt you.”
“I know,” she replied. “But it’s only a needle.”
“No,” I said. “I mean being single.”
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.”
Friend: “Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!”
Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Boo.”
“Boo, who?”
“Don’t cry, it’s your birthday!”
😄 😄 😄
Did you know that during childbirth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment
she almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu.
😄 😄 😄
What do all Star Trek captains have in common?
They all have three ears.
A left ear.
A right ear.
And a final frontier.
😄 😄 😄
Dear math,
Please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
Thanks!
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Jesus Christ, I’ve come here to save you.”
“Save me from what?”
“From whatever I’m gonna to do you if you don’t let me in.”
😄 😄 😄
