What did the nervous spider say to the audience?
“Forgive me, guys, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.”
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A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia.
The librarian says, “They’re right behind you!”
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“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
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What do you call someone who’s really into stationary biking?
A cyclepath.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Avery.”
“Avery, who?”
“Avery Merry Christmas to you!”
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What’s a hipster’s favorite type of surgery?
A hip replacement.
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A woman asks a waiter, “What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!”
The waiter says, “Shivering, madam.”
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
You look like a donkey, and smell like one too.
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I don’t put ketchup and mustard on my hot dog, I relish it.
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I don’t hate leg day.
It’s the two days after I can’t stand.
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Why is it that Uranus smells distinctly like farts?
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Why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it’s a gray area.
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After hundreds of years of speculation, aliens have finally contacted Earth.
They prepare a simultaneous broadcast to all humans to give us their message:
“Hello, people of Earth! We have been trying to reach you about your planet’s extended warranty.”
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What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
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A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
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When Superman gets ready for bed, he puts on his Chuck Norris pajamas.
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Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun look like Antarctica.
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Why is Uranus so good at baseball?
Because it has a great orbit!
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I was walking down the road along with my dog, looking cool in my black sunglasses when a YouTuber pulled me aside.
He said, “If you can walk round the park and back to me, I’ll give you 10 bucks. The catch is that you will have to do it blindfolded.”
I accepted his challenge and completed it in under 5 minutes. He was surprised and asked me how I did it so quickly.
I replied, “It was just a walk in the park for me. As a blind person, I can’t even see the problem with your challenge.”
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