Now that I’m teaching remotely, I can’t reward my students for their good work.
So I tell them to visit my website for cookies instead.
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What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?
She said, “God was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.”
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What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?
This is a fine mesh we’ve gotten ourselves into.
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When the blueberry made a mistake, it had to blue-pologize.
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Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends’ food looked like.
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A man has been drinking alone in a pub all day and checks his watch.
“1:30 a.m.! I need to get home now or my wife will rip my balls off,” he tells himself. But as he tries to stand, he stumbles to the floor.
“I’m just way too drunk right now, and I need to sober up.”
So he asks the bartender for a coffee, drinks it, and 30 minutes later tries to stand up, but falls to the floor again, this time harder.
At this time, he understands he has no choice but to return home, so he begins crawling toward his house.
He arrives after 40 minutes, lays down next to his (asleep) wife, and passes out.
The next morning, his wife wakes him up and asks, “So... how was last night, huh?” Was it fun to drink all day?”
The man is certain his wife was asleep when he arrived home, so he plays it cool, “Not really, just hanging out with some coworkers.We didn’t drink much, just a couple of beers.”
The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, “The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, you idiot.”
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What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer?
A milk sheikh.
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I took a photo of my sunflower.
Now it can photosynthesize.
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Why is having a BBQ not popular in Italy?
Spaghetti keep falling through the grill.
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There is rumor of a new “Amish Flu” out of Pennsylvania.
The symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little horse and buggy.
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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a shekel!
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You know what they say about Anti Jokes?
She’s married to Uncle Jokes.
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Why did ChatGPT join the debate team?
Because it never runs out of things to say.
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Why shouldn’t you worry about gaining a few extra pounds?
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
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Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel.
Many years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!
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It’s hotter than two cats scrappin’ in a thick wool sack.
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A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said to her husband, “Look at this, dear. There’s an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn’t do a thing like that, would you?”
“Of course I wouldn’t!” replied her husband. “The season’s almost over!”
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CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!
I love the stuff. My only complaint is that it had a real e-lawn musk smell to it.
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Did you hear about the alien who flew a spaceship from Neptune to Uranus in just 3 minutes and 21 seconds?
He’s listed in the Guinness Book Of Out-Of-This-World Records.
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Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
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