Best Jokes (6)



Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

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A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, β€œI am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

The woman replied, β€œWell, that first hearse is for my husband.”

β€œWhat happened to him?”

The woman replied, β€œMy dog attacked him to death.”

She inquired further, β€œWell, who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, β€œMy mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

β€œCan I borrow the dog?”

β€œGet in line!”

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People gave the sun a rating.

It was only one star.

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What do you get if you trip over a PokΓ©mon?

A bulbous sore.

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Your mama so fat a picture of her would fall off the wall!

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

β€œQuick, jump out the window,” she says to him.

β€œWhat???” the guy says. β€œWe’re on the 13th floor!”

She says, β€œJust jump, this is no time to be superstitious!”

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Teacher: β€œIn the exam, you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question.”

Pupil: β€œHow long for the answers, sir?”

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Yo momma’s so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done.

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Hairdresser: β€œWould you like a haircut?”

Boy: β€œNo, I’d like them all cut.”

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Good morning!

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I’m aiming for the cheese today!

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I did that ancestry DNA thing, and it came back that I was 20% American Indian.

It makes sense because after I went to prom it rained for 2 weeks.

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Why are writers really good at coding?

Because they are really into Pro grammar.

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What do you call a dog with a fever?

Hot dog.

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When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.

But when we grew up, the electricity bill is what made us afraid of the light.

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Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position.

But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?

There’s more geese on that side.

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I’m not a morning person or a night owl.

I’m a permanently exhausted pigeon just trying to get through the day.

Good morning!

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Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.

The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.

The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.

β€œIs this horse unsound?” they asked.

β€œNot a bit,” said the owner.

β€œIn that case,” asked the stewards, β€œwhy have you never raced him before?” β€œMister,” said the man from Idaho, β€œwe couldn’t even catch the critter until he was five years old.”

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You know you’re 50 when that come hither look you used to have in your eyes just doesn’t look as enticing through your bifocals.

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I love your sweater.

I think it’s made out of spouse material.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œYa.”

β€œYa, who?”

β€œAww, I love it when you’re this excited to see me!

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