Good morning!
Today is a good day to have a good day, especially if you've had your coffee.
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What is the result of an art competition?
A draw.
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Yo mama’s so fat she crashed the Fortnite servers.
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My sister and I decided that we want to start our own businesses.
She’s going to open a furniture store called “Sofa King” and I’m going to open a soup restaurant next door called “Stew Pit”.
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Why do zombies speak Latin?
Because it’s a dead language.
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Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.
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Why are T-Rex’s unable to clap their hands?
Because they are extinct.
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It’s hard to have a serious conversation with an astronaut, you would think they would understand the gravity of the situation!
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I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.
1. My credit card number.
2. My social security number.
3. Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate.
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A skunk fell into the river and stank to the bottom.
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I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”
After a twenty-second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
She replied, “Yeah... but I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”
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My kid has a stuffed alpaca toy.
I call it her Dolly Llama.
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What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?
“…This is the way.”
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Your mama so stupid she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.
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Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
“Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan.”
So, one of them asked the other: “When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?”
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What is the difference between a Chelsea fan and a Battery?
A battery has a positive side.
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An ant approaches an elephant and asks, “Would you like to play?”
“Sure,” replies the elephant.
“So, what’s your favorite game?” the ant inquires.
“Squash,” says the elephant.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I see double!”
Doctor: “Sit on the chair please.”
Patient: “Which one?”
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Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
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Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:
Step 1. Get a pumpkin.
Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.
Step 3. Give it a little push.
Step 4. Enjoy.
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