A man was fishing in the jungle.
After a while another angler came to join him.
“Have you had any bites?” asked the second man.
“Yes, lots,” replied the first one, “but they were all mosquitoes.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Baby owl.”
“Baby owl, who?”
“Baby owl see you later.”
😄 😄 😄
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I thought Voldemort was ugly, then I saw you.
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You can’t lose weight by talking about it.
You need to keep your mouth shut.
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My neighbor rang my door bell at 3 AM this morning. Can you believe it! 3 AM!!
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
😄 😄 😄
The attorney kept trying to sue the car dealership over their faulty vehicles.
It was a case of lemon-law.
😄 😄 😄
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
But they needed to sea mine.
😄 😄 😄
Me: “Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?”
Siri: “This is Alexa.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve tried calling Stephen Hawking many times.
I keep getting his answering machine.
😄 😄 😄
My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party.
I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.
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What’s the fastest speed at which a seahorse swims?
At a scallop.
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Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
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I am sweating like an igloo in an oven.
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Patient: “Doctor, am I going to be alright?”
Doctor: “I’m not too sure, Mercury is in Uranus now.”
Patient: “But I don’t know much about astronomy and space.”
Doctor: “Neither do I, but I do know that my thermometer just snapped inside you.”
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I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
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You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?”, said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?
A Mute-ation.
😄 😄 😄
Only you can prevent narcissism.
And if anyone tells you otherwise, they’re just jealous!
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