How did the barber win the bike race?
He took a short cut.
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Why did Chuck Norris destroy the periodic table?
Because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
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How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop it a line.
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Can’t see an end. I have no control and I don’t think there’s an escape. I don’t even have a home anymore.
Think it’s time for a new keyboard.
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Hey shorty, it’s sherbet day!
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Trying to wake you up is such a thrill.
It’s like waking up a mad beast from its ponderous slumber.
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Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.
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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
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Yo mama so stupid the zombies walked past her because they didn’t smell any brains.
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A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.
I took in a breath and asked aloud, “What’s that smell?”
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, “Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.
She turns to me and asks, “What’s that smell?”
I say, “Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.”
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A doctor just flirted with me. She also said that I was really sweet.
Well, her exact words were “severely diabetic”, but I know what she meant. I got the hint.
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What’s SpongeBob’s worst personality trait?
He’s way too self-absorbent.
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If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it?
Raisin hell!
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It’s hotter than a dog looking at a fire hydrant.
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Why do trees drop their leaves in the fall?
It’s autumn-atic.
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Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.
The question they’re all asked is, “What’s 2+2?”
The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”
The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll make it 5 just to be safe.”
The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, “How much do you want it to be?”
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“Have you seen our toilet roll?” asked my wife.
“Don’t be silly,” I replied. “A toilet is a stationary object.”
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If lawyers learn at pre-law but doctors learn at pre-med, where do teachers learn?
Pre-school.
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What’s a hen’s favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
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Yo mama so scary you thought the monsters in your closet were friends.
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