What a strange morning.
First, I find a hat full of money in the street.
And then I get chased by an angry guy with a guitar!
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The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidentally been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot.
They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered...
Neil before Zod.
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In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it.
A student handed in his work with “The Magna Carta was signed in 1215” written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, “Why did you write this?”
The boy replied, “Because you always say that history repeats itself!”
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I asked Alexa what women want.
This thing has been talking for six hours.
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Why don’t they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
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How many shots can an Irish man handle?
About 10 rounds.
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A man loses his thesaurus, which he uses all the time.
He searches all over his house for it. He’s double-checked everywhere, but he just can’t find it.
Fed up with searching, he decides to ask his family members. His daughter loves reading books, so he decided to ask her first.
Man: “Did you take my thesaurus?”
Daughter: “I didn’t take your thesaurus, I was just reading my favorite book. Maybe ask my brother? He always tries to reach into high cabinets, so he might have taken it to stand on.”
So the man goes off and to look for his son. He finds his son sitting on the couch, playing video games.
Man: “Did you take my thesaurus?”
Son: “Of course not, I hate reading. Ask mom, she might have it.”
So the man looks for his wife, but she isn’t home. He starts getting really frustrated.
He goes to the stables to search for her. He goes in, but there’s just their horse standing there.
The man, frustrated, decides to amuse himself, “I don’t suppose YOU know where my thesaurus is, right?”
Horse: “Nope. Oops, I mean Neighhhh!”
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A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.
“Father, father look,” the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. “The Americans have gone to the moon.”
The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, “All of them?”
“No, just 3,” replies the kid.
“Damn it!” The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
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I donut want to glaze over the fact that I love you a hole bunch.
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How does the enthusiastic man eat his hot dog?
With relish.
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A man was pouring colored water every day on the streets of his town.
One day his neigbhour called the police, because he was pouring suspicious liquids on the streets.
When the police came they asked the man, “What are you pouring on the streets?”
The guy said, “I was pouring anti crocodile liquids.”
The officer said, “But there are no crocodiles in this town!”
The guy said, “You are welcome!”
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The Oxford comma is necessary, critical and essential.
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Really? Way to spot the obvious Einstein!
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How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code.
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Why did all the tissue roll in the wall mart not enough for Spider-man?
Because Spider-man was more into flypaper kind of tissue roll.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Orange.”
“Orange, who?”
“Orange you going to open your birthday presents?”
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From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”
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An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.
He panicked and shouted, “God, help me!” and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.
A voice from the heavens boomed “You say you don’t believe in me, but now you’re asking for my help?”
The atheist looked up and said, “Well, ten seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.”
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Bread is like the Sun:
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
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What was the mermaid doing at the bottom of the sea?
She dropped out of school.
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