How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
You tell her a joke on Wednesday.
😄 😄 😄
As an April Fools’ joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant.
Sadly, she didn’t fall for it.
😄 😄 😄
Remember when staying up all night was fun in your 20s?
At 30, staying up all night means you have insomnia.
😄 😄 😄
Do or donut, there is no try.
😄 😄 😄
A cop stops a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He directs the man to blow into a breathalyzer.
Man: “I’m afraid I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have asthma. If I blow into that tube, I might have an asthma attack.”
Cop: “All right, we’ll just get a urine sample at the station.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have diabetes. If I pee in a cup, I might get low blood sugar.”
Cop: “All right, we’ll take a blood sample.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have hemophilia. I could die if I give blood.”
Cop: “All right, just walk this white line.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I’m drunk.”
😄 😄 😄
A T-Rex told his girlfriend, “I love you this much,” as he stretched out his arms.
To which the girlfriend replied, “That’s not very much at all!”
😄 😄 😄
Why do football players struggle at bowling?
Because they had a hard time kicking the ball!
😄 😄 😄
My crush told me, “Come over, no ones home.”
I went over... no one was home.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short she has to slam dunk her bus fare.
😄 😄 😄
How does a carpenter order 5 beers?
With 2 hands.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?
An ambulance!
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris won a guitar battle with a violin.
😄 😄 😄
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
😄 😄 😄
I always shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating those two pizzas by myself.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
Ice cream.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an extraterrestrial that speaks Portuguese?
A Brazalien.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
😄 😄 😄
A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.
“Hello mate,” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven.”
“What?” Exclaims the man, astonished.
St. Peter: “You heard, no Man Utd fans.”
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man,” replies the Man Utd supporter.
“Oh really,” says St. Peter. “What have you done, then?”
“Well,” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.”
“Oh,” says St. Peter. “Anything else?”
“Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.”
“Hmmm. Anything else?”
“Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty quid back, now screw off.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me, “Why are there holes in your pants?”
I said, “It’s Sunday, right?”
My wife: “Yeah?”
Me: “Well, these are my holy pants.”
😄 😄 😄
I signed up for yoga, and our new instructor is awesome.
She really bends over backwards for us.
😄 😄 😄
