Good morning to someone who starts each day by asking the important questions of life: Can I eat leftover pizza for breakfast?
Have a great day!
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A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
Bartender: “Sure.”
Man: “Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile.”
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What do you call a row of trucks hauling nachos?
A cheesy pickup line.
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What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.
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It’s so hot and humid outside, the air ironed the wrinkles out of my shirt.
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How do planets pay each other?
With star bucks.
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My partner and I have been working from home since March 2020, and he has finally politely informed me that my typing sounds like 50 hungry woodpeckers trying to eat a keyboard.
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What did pi say when someone asked if it could explain what Pi Day was again?
“I don’t want to repeat myself.”
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Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
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What does Spider-Man do when he gets angry?
He goes up the wall.
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Yo daddy is so dumb he sold his car for gas money.
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Congratulations! You’ve reached the perfect age where you can still party like you’re 21, but recover like you’re 80.
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You know you’re getting old when a lady wants you to pay for her implants.
She means dental implants.
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Did you hear about the clown car that crashed in the middle of nowhere?
There were 30 casualties.
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Why did the elephant decide not to move?
Because he couldn’t lift his trunk.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Your friend.”
“My friend, who?”
“Your friend who needs a key so I can drag you out of bed in the morning, sleepy head!”
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Where should you visit after Sesame Street?
Thyme Square!
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Yo mama so fat she pooped out the Death Star!
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What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
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What room can no one enter?
A mushroom.
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