Which planet is the richest of them all?
Saturn, because it has many rings.
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What’s a Pinterest addict’s favorite exercise?
Re-pinning.
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My old school was sponsored by IKEA.
Assembly took ages.
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When you have a question, you check with Google.
When Google has a question, they check with Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris has a question, everybody better run!
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A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.
As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that!”
The engineer replied, “You wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”
So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, “Do you wanna see magic?”
The shop boy replied, “Yes!!!”
The engineer said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.
Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.
Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.
The shop boy asked, “But where’s the magic?”
The engineer replied, “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them!”
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Dating me is like dating your therapist who is also your mom and is also very disappointed in you.
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What do you get when you cross a blue jay with a parrot?
A bird with no identity.
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What is the opposite of mango?
Womanstay.
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Here in Portugal we call bad jokes ‘dry jokes’. Do you want to see an example?
The desert.
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What do you call someone who doesn’t believe it is June yet?
A May-sayer.
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What’s a planet’s favorite keyboard key?
The space bar!
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What did Jupiter say to Neptune?
“Hey! I can see Uranus from here!”
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Rise and shine!
Today is a great day to be amazing.
Or at least pretend to be until you’ve had your coffee.
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It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
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Why is Twisted Fate an illegal immigrant?
Because he doesn’t have a green card.
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got tired of the HOLE business.
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What do you call a parrot when he can’t fly?
A walkie talkie.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Warren.”
“Warren, who?”
“Warren anything green for St. Patrick’s Day?”
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What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water?
Dolphout.
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I might have gotten the flu in China.
Well, WHO cares?
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