What day do eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.
Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn’t have a Flash player installed.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t we inhabit Uranus?
That place is a Gas Hole.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Gen Z’er bring a ladder to the library?
To reach the highest shelf for the perfect Instagram shot.
😄 😄 😄
My neighbor rang my door bell at 3 AM this morning. Can you believe it! 3 AM!!
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend said I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.
What a Joker.
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
😄 😄 😄
What dinosaur would Harry Potter be?
The Dinosorcerer.
😄 😄 😄
Client on group chat: “This is jeans week so feel free to wear jeans tomorrow.”
Me: “Dang, does that mean I have to wear pants?”
😄 😄 😄
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady.
She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”
“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.
I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
“Because we’ve got no teeth,” she replied.
“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.
“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”
😄 😄 😄
My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.
He said, “Enjoy the HOLE donut!”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
😄 😄 😄
Why did all the planets give the most attention to the sun?
Because the sun is the center of the universe.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if you take off the red dot on the Japanese flag?
The French flag!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a female horse that refuses to work while the sun is up?
A Nightmare!
😄 😄 😄
What’s an Amish person’s favorite dried fruit?
A barn raisin’.
😄 😄 😄
A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: “Yoooo, I ordered a pizza, and it came with no toppings on it or anything, it’s just bread!”
Domino’s: “We’re sorry to hear about this.”
Customer (minutes later): “Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down...”
😄 😄 😄
At St. Peter’s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go picka her up.”
😄 😄 😄
What is the result of an art competition?
A draw.
😄 😄 😄
How does a man from Alabama hold up his pants?
With a bible belt.
😄 😄 😄
