I’m not a morning person or a night owl.
I’m a permanently exhausted pigeon just trying to get through the day.
Good morning!
😄 😄 😄
Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.
The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.
The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.
“Is this horse unsound?” they asked.
“Not a bit,” said the owner.
“In that case,” asked the stewards, “why have you never raced him before?” “Mister,” said the man from Idaho, “we couldn’t even catch the critter until he was five years old.”
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You know you’re 50 when that come hither look you used to have in your eyes just doesn’t look as enticing through your bifocals.
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I love your sweater.
I think it’s made out of spouse material.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ya.”
“Ya, who?”
“Aww, I love it when you’re this excited to see me!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a guy who’s 19 years old forever?
Constantine.
😄 😄 😄
What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
Mummies.
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Deep sleep prevents aging.
Especially when you are driving.
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Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin?
It had melonoma.
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Two married unicorns are lying in bed.
The husband unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says, “Big storm’s a brewin.”
The wife unicorn then replies, “Well, then I’m glad we didn’t go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah.”
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A grumpy man spent an evening with his friends at a comedy club and asked his doctor for a course on antibiotics. Guess what for?
He thought laughter was infectious.
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What’s the best way to organize a space party?
Planet early!
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What vegetable can tie your shoes?
String beans.
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It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
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My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A woolly jumper.
😄 😄 😄
Who’s beaver’s favorite pop singer?
Justin Beaver.
😄 😄 😄
What does Alexa like to eat for breakfast?
Siri-al.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Goat.”
“Goat, who?”
“Goat on a limb and open the door.”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the hip replacement patient always winning at poker?
Because they always had a couple of joints up their sleeve.
😄 😄 😄
