You’re so fat the only thing to compare you to is an elephant.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the HVAC guy fired?
Management was uncool about his performance.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a guy leaning against a wall?
Art.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a person from Portugal?
Portuguese.
What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?
Portugeezer.
😄 😄 😄
My son played soccer in the mud all day.
He was a little Messi.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blueberries get along with everyone?
They’re naturally blue-tiful.
😄 😄 😄
A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.
I took in a breath and asked aloud, “What’s that smell?”
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, “Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.
She turns to me and asks, “What’s that smell?”
I say, “Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.”
😄 😄 😄
Yesterday I had an Adele chocolate Easter Bunny.
The first half was delicious, but it was hollow from the other side.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a blues concert dressed in all black.
I guess I wasn’t feeling very blues-sympathetic.
😄 😄 😄
Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon.
But they wouldn’t let us land because the moon was full.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short you can make a life-size sculpture of her using one can of Play-Doh.
😄 😄 😄
What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?
Air conditioner.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Thanksgiving?
Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.
😄 😄 😄
What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?
Spook-hetti!
😄 😄 😄
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a boring person from Finland?
A dolphin.
😄 😄 😄
When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.
So I rang her and said, “Guess what, I won the jackpot.”
😄 😄 😄
Success is like a fart.
It only bothers people when it’s not their own.
😄 😄 😄
