Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being—an animal.”
Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past, “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, “RALPH, wake up! You crapped the bed!”
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They brought the hot dog in for questioning.
He gave the... wurst... answers.
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Your forehead is so big that the teachers use it as a whiteboard.
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A man calls 911.
The operator says, “911 what’s your emergency?”
The man says, “My wife is going into labour and I don’t know what to do!”
The operator calmly replies, “Okay. Calm down. Is this her first child?”
The man answers, “No, this is her husband!”
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I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it’s just not as big.
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What do you call it when Shrek falls off a boat?
Ogreboard.
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NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts.
“Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon.”
“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”
“Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red.”
“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”
“Houston, we have a problem. Half of the moon is painted red and they continue.”
“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”
“Houston, we have a problem. Whole moon is now red.”
“Now is our time! Open compartment 3B/C, it contains white paint. And start painting: Coca-Cola.”
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What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
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I’m not sure if I want to move to Sweden.
But the flag is a big plus.
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The party was a blue-ribbon event.
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I named my hard drive Dat Ass, so once a month my computer asks if I want to back Dat Ass up.
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The internet connection at my farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
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And you resemble a pole.
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The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
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What’s a toilet on a Portuguese jetty called?
A porto potty.
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An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into, “They’ve stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it... even the steering wheel!”
The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.
Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch, “Disregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake.”
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
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I stopped by grandmother’s house and I’m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.
She’s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess I’ll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.
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How much did Walter White charge Skyler for the pizza?
Nothing. It was on the house.
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