Yo moma is so fat Luke Skywalker that yo moma was the Death Star.
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How is Teachers’ Day, a day of rest?
The rest of the laundry, the rest of the housework, and grading the rest of the papers.
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One time Chuck Norris was pulled over, he let the cop off with a warning.
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During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background.
So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.
Turns out he was asking what’s behind me on our Zoom call.
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What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone.
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Why was the turkey in the pop group?
Because he was the only one with drumsticks!
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What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
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Working from home becomes more difficult when your bed and YouTube constantly beg for your attention.
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Why don’t lobsters like to share?
Because they’re shellfish.
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A Muslim man told his wife that she needed to start embracing her mistakes.
So she gave him a hug.
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My friend went bankrupt after inventing a sandal for people with only one leg.
It was a flop.
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A man sees a boy with a box of kittens. He goes over and says, “Oh, what cute kittens!”
The boy replies, “Yes, they are Christian kittens.”
About a week later, the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens.
Once again he walks over and says, “My, those are just adorable!”
The boy replies, “Yes, they are atheist kittens.”
The man asks, “Wait, weren’t they Christian before?”
The boy looks at the man and says, “Yeah, but they have their eyes open now.”
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Why was the toilet paper in detention?
It was unraveling all the time!
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An emergency call center worker has been fired in Toronto, much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes, I can finally meet Allah.”
To which the call center employee replied, “Remain calm and stay on the line.”
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What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
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Why did the moth go to the psychiatrist’s office?
The porch light was on.
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I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla.
Ice creamed!
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In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed.
Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, “Well me laddie, I got you this time with two live lobsters, three weeks after the season closed!”
The Newfie says, “No, my son. You are wrong! These are two trained lobsters I caught two weeks before the season ended.”
The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained? Like how?”
“Well, my son, each day I takes these two from my house, down to the wharf, and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim, I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles, and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!”
“Likely story,” the Fisheries Officer says. “Let’s take them on down to the wharf and see if its true.”
So, the Newfoundlander goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another.
After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, “How about whistling?”
The Newfoundlander says, “What for?”
The Fisheries Officer says, “To call in the lobsters.”
“What lobsters?” the Newfie asks.
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A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.
So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.
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Working from home is making me go to the kitchen more often than usual.
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