These days, shoes are called snickers.
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How do you know Netflix has been making some questionable decisions on its content?
Haven’t you watched Stranger Things?
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Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
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I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again.
I think it might be comatoast.
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What did the farmer say to his workers on Labor Day?
“I don’t carrot all, take the day off and lettuce celebrate!”
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Somewhere, in the universe, there is a world with no war, no hate, no hunger and no poverty.
And also no oxygen.
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Yo mama’s so hairy that she gets mistaken for Chewbacca’s cousin.
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When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you are eating a watermelon.
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WFH diary, day 1:
Power went out during recording, construction workers are extra loud today, daughter walked in on a meeting singing “I like banaaaaanas” at the top of her lungs.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone.
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I am sweating like an ice cream cone under a heat lamp.
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I always wondered why my Millennial friend always writes in lower case letters.
Apparently he is anti-capitalism.
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Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
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Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god?
Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.
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Albert’s retirement party presentation.
“Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company.
Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.
So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.”
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Guess what monkeys eat in space?
Space bananas!
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How many Apple engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”
“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.”
“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
“When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”
“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”
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When a peanut butter hears a sweet song it exclaims:
“That’s my jam!”
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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being—an animal.”
Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past, “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, “RALPH, wake up! You crapped the bed!”
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