Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.
Both of them have a great time.
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Yo mama’s appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.
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A man was getting a haircut before a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of tourists. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking American Airlines,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“American Airlines?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump? That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced.
So whatcha’ doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.
The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful!” explained the man, “Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines’ brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel—it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job, and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the barber. “What’d he say?”
“He said ‘Where’d you get the crappy haircut?’”
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A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.
“Father, father look,” the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. “The Americans have gone to the moon.”
The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, “All of them?”
“No, just 3,” replies the kid.
“Damn it!” The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
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Why should you be quiet inside a pharmacy?
You might wake the sleeping pills.
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I recently went to a restaurant, they poisoned my tiramisu. Guess what?
I tiramisued them.
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There’s a reason that giraffes aren’t the king of the jungle.
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Yo mama’s nose hairs are so long that they make Bobobo jealous!
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What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?
She said, “God was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.”
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What did the mom say when her kid dropped their hot dog?
It could always be wurst!
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Two kids are camping in their backyard, it’s gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.
“What time do you think it is?” One of them asks the other.
“Just make a ton of noise,” says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways.
After a few seconds of screaming a light turns on in another yard and a neighbour yells, “YOU CRAZY KIDS, IT’S 2 IN THE MORNING!!”
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Hiroshima Nagasaki was nothing more than the result of Chuck Norris’ skydiving in Japan.
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Why does a dog stay in a shadow?
Because it doesn’t want to be a hot dog.
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My friend said he was going to start a feeling-blue club, but I declined.
I’m more of an upbeat kind of person.
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Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”
Student: “My father’s checkbook.”
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Did you see the moon this evening?
It’s absolutely blue-tiful!
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I put an electric fence around my garden.
My neighbor is dead against it.
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He was seeing the world through blue-tinted glasses.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ooze.”
“Ooze, who?”
“Ooze that monster over there?”
😄 😄 😄
Zoom meetings is a stupid name, and it’s branded.
We should call it a bit more casual like “coworker video chat” or something shorter, like “co-vid”.
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