What do peanuts wear on their feet?
Cashews.
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You’re so fat the only thing to compare you to is an elephant.
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Why does Spider-Man only have 11 months on his calendar?
Because he lost May.
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Good morning!
Hope your morning is less Monday and more Friday!
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This Halloween, Gucci sold out all of their $500 scented candles.
Some people seem to have so many dollars but not enough scents.
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I was at the paint store the other day and after the guy put my paint on the counter he asks, “Do you wanna box for that?”
I replied, “No but I’ll wrestle you for it.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Donut.”
“Donut, who?”
“Donut worry, be happy!”
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A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.
The French exchange student raised his hand and said, “Excuse me, Madam, but I don’t know how to say fractions. How do you say those?”
“Easy,” said the teacher, “you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is two-thirds, 3/4 is three-fourths, and 2/5 is two-fifths.”
“Thanks, I understand,” said the exchange student.
“Good,” said the teacher, and then asked the French student, “so how do you say 4/8?”
“Should I reduce?” asked the boy.
“That would be best,” said the teacher.
“One-second,” said the boy.
“Take as long as you need,” said the teacher.
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Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, “If your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”
Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.
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There was a bad smell coming from a dumpster.
So, my mother made my sister burn some spices to cover it.
She used pap-reek-her.
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I told my friend that I want to live on Uranus.
They said, “I guess you’re really into extreme living conditions!”
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I asked Uranus if it knows any good planet jokes.
It replied, “Sorry, they’re just not my atmosphere.”
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I was saddened to learn that my cousin was run over by a boat in Venice today.
I sent his family my gondolances.
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I was going to buy a pocket calculator.
But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.
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From the depths of your slumber, I summon thee.
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Chuck Norris completed Pokemon Go.
On a landline.
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Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?
If he raises them both, he’d fall down.
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I really want to start a donut shop.
But I don’t have enough dough.
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To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
“Hello.”
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I knew I shouldn’t have eaten the seafood.
I’m feeling a little eel.
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