How do you call a suicide bomber with Tourette’s?
A ticking time bomb.
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How many marketers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they’ve automated it.
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It is hotter than a handbag of hot hen poop.
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Guess what coat hangers do on the weekend?
They hang out, of course!
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Why does Mario prefer to hang out with Toad more than Luigi?
Because he’s a fun-gi.
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I brought you a small spoon, in case you wanted to sample my flavor.
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Did you hear about that dyslexic Japanese samurai?
He was so dishonored, that he committed Sudoku.
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Officer: “Do you know why I stopped you?”
Blonde: “Because I didn’t pull out of the donut shop too fast?”
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What did the plumber call his restroom?
A home office.
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What did the man with a beard call his pottery shop?
Hairy Potter.
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Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.
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What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
“Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.”
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large tray of apples. The nun posted a sign on the apples tray: Take only one. God is watching.
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
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What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.
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I asked a programmer what his New Year’s resolution will be.
He answered, “640 x 480.”
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What did the man do when he saw a hot dog?
He put it in the shade.
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Good morning, world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.
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What happened to the Elf on the Shelf who met a skunk?
He became elfully stinky!
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Why did the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him?
It was an emergent sea.
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Yo mamma’s so fat I thought she’d have Princess Leia on a leash beside her.
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